Movie Review The Back Up Plan

The Back Up Plan (2010) 

Directed by Alan Poul 

Written by Kate Angelo

Starring Jennifer Lopez, Alex O'Laughlin, Eric Christian Olsen, Anthony Anderson 

Release Date April 23rd, 2010

Published April 22nd, 2010 

It was the great Roger Ebert in his review of Rob Reiner's “North” who said "I hated, hated, hated. hated, hated, hated, hated this movie." I always thought I understood Roger's pain with the offal I have sifted through at the movie theater but until I saw the insipid, insulting and just plain awful “The Back Up Plan” starring Jennifer Lopez I did not truly understand how a bad movie can get under your skin.

The story of “The Back Up Plan,” such as it is from such a mindless screenplay, follows a woman named Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) who is one of those only in the movies cretins who despite beauty and inexplicable wealth cannot manage a personal life well enough to relate to another human being. Thus why, in her late 30's, she is undergoing artificial insemination.

To give you an idea of the intellect we are dealing with; as Zoe leaves the doctor's office after her insemination she keeps her knees together as she walks. Outside in the rain Zoe dances for a moment and then hails a cab. Once inside she is joined by Stan (Alex O'Loughlin) and each accuses the other of stealing their cab. This meet cute lasts as they both exit the cab, get on the subway and walk down the street sharing dialogue so inane as to render one unconscious.

They part as frenemies but soon are bumping into each other again and again before they realize they are meant to be. But, uh-oh, Zoe's pregnant. Will Stan want to be with a pregnant woman? Or will he run for the hills? Can Zoe overcome a tacked-on subplot about abandonment issues to let Stan really be with her? If you care I must ask that you exit this review right now.

My plot description does not do justice to the mess that “The Back Up Plan” truly is. Plot after plot, character after character, is shuffled into this ludicrous story only to be discarded without so much as a courtesy flush. Eric Christian Olson for one gets short-shrift as Zoe's employee; she owns a pet store that pays a living wage, yeah. Olson's Clive declines an offer to father Zoe's baby and then fades into the background occasionally playing a jealousy subplot that makes zero sense at all.

Tom Bosley and Linda Lavin are stuck with the idiot roles of old people who say and do things that you don't expect old people to do or say. Are you laughing? They're old but they talk like they're not old, get it? Ugh. Anthony Anderson an actor who stars on a hit TV series and has headlined movies of his own is here credited as Playground dad.

Anderson plays a character so spectacularly underwritten that they couldn't bother to name him. Playground Dad offers sage council to Stan when they happen upon each other at a Playground and Stan is accused of being a child predator. Funny right? Don't even bother mentioning the movie stereotype of the wise African American guru, expert on all things, who also fills in to allow a movie to fake multiculturalism.

Stereotypes are the hiding places of scoundrel screenwriters who lack the wit to write real characters, hence Zoe's single mom support group which over flows with stereotypes of Butch Lesbians who thankfully are not billed as Butch Lesbian Single Mom 1, 2 or 3.

Alex O'Loughlin is a nice looking but spectacularly forgettable actor who has starred on more failed CBS drama series than most actors see in a lifetime. Hollywood is determined to convince audiences they like Alex O'Loughlin and The Backup Plan is merely the latest, and unlikely, last attempt to make him a star. It's difficult to gauge O'Laughlin's actual talent. Judging him based on the moronic character he is given in The Back Up Plan seems terribly unfair.

Jennifer Lopez is a very beautiful woman. She has an unbelievable smile, great pipes and a body that just doesn't quit even after she gave birth to twins in real life two years ago. What a shame that she has zero taste in film scripts. Her career since her star-making performance in Steven Soderbergh’s “Out of Sight” has been a series of one blindingly awful movie after another. “The Back Up Plan” is arguably the worst of a lot that includes dregs like “Maid in Manhattan,” “The Wedding Planner” and “Monster In Law.”

Searching for something positive to say about “The Back Up Plan” I can think of only one thing: It can't likely get any worse than this. I am convinced that I have seen the worst Hollywood has to offer in 2010 and while I may be forced to eat those words- Hollywood's ability to scrape the bottom of the barrel and then lift the barrel is legendary- but that is how strongly I feel about how brutally, violently awful The “Back Up Plan” truly is.