Movie Review: Transformers

Transformers (2007)

Directed by Michael Bay

Written by Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman

Starring Shia Le Beouf, Megan Fox, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, Anthony Anderson 

Release Date July 3rd, 2007 

Published July 2nd, 2007

The leaps forward for CGI technology in movies have had a few obvious leaps in innovation. Terminator 2 signaled the arrival. The Matrix and Lord Of The Rings are certainly high water marks. And, of course, George Lucas' mindblowing effects work in the modern trilogy cannot be forgotten, even if the movies weren't as well remembered.

Now comes Transformers from director Michael Bay. Though Bay never met a story he could tell well, he is a master of special effects and his work with George Lucas' effects company ILM has provided a new benchmark in the evolution of CGI. The robot aliens of Transformers are an extraordinary sight, a sight so impressive you almost forget there is no real story, plot or characters bringing proper context to these amazing effects.

In some distant universe a pair of alien robot races have fought and destroyed their planet. The impetus for this destructive war is an all powerful cube that has now been lost somewhere in the universe. It has in fact landed on earth and now the evil Decepticons and the caring Autobots are arriving on earth with differing methods but similar goals. The Decepticons, lead by Megatron, will destroy the earth to retrieve the cube, the Autobots, lead by Optimus Prime, will protect humanity, even if it means destroying the cube.

On earth a teenager named Sam (Shia Le Beouf) may be the key to finding the cube. Seems his great grand father actually located the cube some years ago and after an encounter with Megatron, came to know where the cube was located. Now, under the protection of Bumblebee, a rusty yellow camaro that also happens to be an autobot warrior, Sam is about to have the experience of a lifetime, trapped in the middle of an alien robot war; and he gets the girl, Mikaela (Megan Fox).

The cast ofTransformers also makes room for Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson as military heroes who encounter the Decepticons in the Iraqi desert. Jon Voight as the heroic defense secretary. John Turturro tuns up as an X-Files-esque secret agent and Anthony Anderson in the unlikely role of a computer hacker whose technical expertise cracks important Decepticon codes.

The goofball plot of Transformers is pretty much brain or in other words, typical Michael Bay. Director Bay simply does not care a lick for plot, or characters or dialogue. His expertise lies in special effects and everything else be damned. Thus, we get scenes where allegedly smart military types pass up miles of empty desert for their last stand against the Decepticons in favor of a cityscape filled with innocent bystanders.

Never mind a proper motivation that could have been written into the story, fight scenes set in the fictional city of Mission Hills just look cooler than anything that could have been done in the desert. Just one example of Michael Bay's usual logic be damned approach to storytelling.

Transformers is a truly brainless exercise by typical standards of movie criticism. However, from a more coldly technical perspective, Transformers is one of the more impressive feats of Computer Generated Imagery ever committed to film. The CGI of Transformers is leaps and bounds ahead of CGI that we have seen previously.

As Terminator 2 was landmark moment in the development of CGI technology in the early 1990's, Transformers is a landmark of how far we have come with this technology and what may be possible in the future. Working with George Lucas's team at Industrial Light & Magic, Michael Bay has pushed this technology beyond what many thought was possible.

The CGI of Transformers fully integrates these giant alien robots with human characters in ways that simply were not possible less than a decade ago. Building on the foundation that George Lucas built in the modern Star Wars trilogy and what Peter Jackson crafted in Lord of the Rings and King Kong, Bay surpasses them both with the creation of Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and Jazz, giant robots who function as characters as well or better than their human counterparts.

From a technical standpoint, in terms of special effects and CGI, Transformers is a landmark moment in movie history. Never before have CGI characters been so well integrated with human characters. Bay's control of the action and effects of Transformers shows the potential he has as a director. If he paid the same attention and gave the same care to his story and characters as he gives his special effects, he could make a real masterpiece.

As it stands, Transformers is a truly brainless enterprise. An exercise of awesome technical mastery in service of one of the dumber stories told in this decade. See Transformers on the big screen because DVD will only minimize the technique and play up this idiotic story.

Movie Review Scary Movie 4

Scary Movie 4 (2006) 

Directed by David Zucker

Written by Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Craig Mazin, Pat Proft 

Starring Anna Faris, Regina Hall, Craig Bierko, Bill Pullman, Anthony Anderson, Kevin Hart, Charlie Sheen

Release Date April 14th, 2006 

Published April 16th, 2006 

Comedy is harder than it looks. Just look at how often Hollywood fails to make audiences laugh in films designated as "Comedies". It's subjective and often intractable and what is funny to one person is not funny to someone else. Comedy in and of itself is an act of bravery.

With that said, Scary Movie 4 is funny. It's not however as consistently funny as spoof predecessors like Airplane, Hot Shots or Naked Gun. The targets are safe, the laughs are extremely broad and the potshots miss as often as they hit. At the very least it is a vast improvement over the terribly unfunny Scary Movie 3.

Anna Faris returns for a 4th time as ditzy, dimbulb heroine Cindy Campbell who has, thus far in the series, seen more humiliating moments than every Ben Stiller character combined. This time around Cindy is dealing with the loss of her husband George (Simon Rex) in a tragic stool accident, a spotty Million Dollar Baby parody involving Mike Tyson in drag.

Cindy has just accepted a job as an in-home nurse in the home of a comatose woman (poor Cloris Leachman) who's being haunted by the creepy little asian kid from The Grudge.

Next door to the coma patient's house is Tom Ryan (Craig Bierko) , a construction worker and weekend dad to two kids. Ryan is straight out of War of The Worlds and he soon discovers aliens on the attack inside of a giant Ipod. Just as Tom and Cindy's relationship is beginning they are split up, he into an ongoing WOTW parody and Cindy along with returning best pal Brenda (Regina Hall) into an ill fated parody of The Village.

This is far more plot than was contained in the last Scary Movie and while plot may be superfluous to this franchise it helps root the parodies in something and makes the jokes funnier.

Another new element to the Scary Movie franchise is a dash of social satire in the person of Leslie Neilsen as the attled President of the United States. In a somewhat darkly humorous take off of President Bush's my pet duck moment on 9/11, Neilsen's Mr. President refuses to react to the alien Ipod attack until he hears what happened to the duck in a story told by small children. And naturally where Leslie Neilsen goes so goes broad physical humor, turn your head so you miss a brief shot of Mr. Neilsen's naked ass.

The films parodied well in Scary Movie 3 include War Of The Worlds and The Grudge and a surprisingly inoffensive and humorous take on Brokeback Mountain. Not so strong however are taxes on Million Dollar Baby and The Village. The problem with The Village is that M. Night Shyamalan's first major screw up is not all that well remembered. The film never really had its cultural moment and most audiences have forgotten the fake village and its olde timey denizens. When the biggest laughs are garnered by Carmen Electra on the toilet it's a clear sign that there wasn't much to work with in a Village parody.

I nearly forgot to mention a surprisingly funny parody of Saw starring the oddball pair of Shaquille O'Neal and Dr. Phil. While jokes about Shaq's free throw shooting are about as timely as Jay Leno's monologue circa 2002, Dr. Phil's highly self-effacing performance draws some big laughs and more than a few uncomfortable truths about the doctor's methods. Both Shaq and Dr. Phil are such genial sports that the scenes get a nice jolt from their positive energy.

Avoid reading any interviews with Director David Zucker who spoils some of the fun of Scary Movie 4 with a bitter streak that becomes clearer in the film upon reflection. Zucker has nothing nice to say about any of the movies parodied in Scary Movie 4 including the multiple Oscar winning Brokeback Mountain.

His comments give a nasty edge to the parodies that do not come through in the sweetness and light performances of Anna Faris, Craig Bierko and Anthony Anderson who returns from Scary Movie 3 and enlivens the Brokeback scenes. Faris needs to branch out beyond comedy soon to break her current type casting but she continues to be the one real draw of this aging franchise. As for Bierko, simply turn a camera on this guy and he's funny. Effortlessly humorous and energetic, he actually made me, an ardent fan of Tom Cruise, laugh hard through an extended parody of Cruise's couch jumping antics on Oprah.

Hit and miss at times but a great improvement over the last outing, I am recommending Scary Movie 4 for fans of spoofs and of this franchise. Fans of Brokeback Mountain, maybe you want to save your seven bucks.

Movie Review Hustle and Flow

Hustle and Flow (2005)

Directed by Craig Brewer 

Written by Craig Brewer

Starring Terrence Howard, Paula Jai Parker, Anthony Anderson, Taraji P. Henson, D.J Qualls, Ludacris

Release Date July 22nd, 2005

Published June 21st, 2005 

Certain artists make their statement with such passion that you can't help but be moved. Jimi Hendrix's guitar could sound like a chainsaw but was played with such passion that you could not help but listen intently. Bruce Springsteen's lyrics, be they about heartbreak or happiness, delivered in that raspy scream or sorrowful whisper are similarly moving. Writer-Director Craig Brewer captures a glimpse of this kind of passion in his film Hustle and Flow. The story of a Memphis pimp who dreams of escaping the ghetto for the world of a rap star, Hustle and Flow delivers a powerful look at the kind of unyielding desire that creates great music.

Terrence Howard stars in Hustle and Flow as Djay. Pimping 20 dollars out of the back of his Caprice classic, Djay has reached the age where his father, a garbage man, died. His age has caused a revelation for Djay.  He begins to feel his life slipping away and an emptiness that his current business cannot fill. He confesses some of these feelings in an exceptional opening monologue delivered to one of his girls, Nola (Taryn Manning).

At home Djay has, not only Nola but also Shug (Taraji P. Henson) pregnant and put upon, and  Lexus (Paula Jai Parker). Because she can't work Shug is raising Lexus's child, Lexus also works as a stripper and her independent income makes her often difficult to deal with. Needless to say, Djay's surroundings contribute heavily to his sense of desperation.

Then, in a chance encounter in a gas station, Djay hooks up with an old high school buddy named Key (Anthony Anderson). Working as a sound engineer recording church choirs, Key had always dreamed of opening a studio to produce rap records. When Key brings Djay to church to hear the choir, the music inspires Djay to finally express his thoughts musically.

With Key's help, and the help of a skinny white kid named Shelby (D.J. Qualls), Djay records a rap record with the hope that if it's any good he can get it in the hands of a local rapper, Skinny Black (Ludacris), who is returning to town for one night only. He knows if Skinny Black here's his music he will make it big, get out of the ghetto and live happily ever after.

Hustle and Flow has a familiar rags to riches in the music biz plot. Movies as varied as A Star Is Born or Glitter have mined this same plot to varying degrees of success. What sets Hustle and Flow apart is  Craig Brewer's artful direction that takes cues from 70's blaxploitation and modern music videos and Terrence Howard's visceral and feral performance. And finally the music, which is an impactful and impassioned brand of hip hop from the streets of Memphis called Crunk.

Craig Brewer directs Hustle and Flow, his second feature after the obscure The Poor and Hungry, with a style and flair that perfectly captures its place but remains timeless. Brewer happened upon the story from his own midlife crisis. Reaching the age his father had died at, 27 years old, Brewer felt compelled to do something lasting and combined with a unique run in with a Memphis pimp while scouting locations for another film, Hustle and Flow was born.

The film captures a version of Memphis, Tennessee, from the heat to the hustle, in a way similar to how Martin Scorsese captures his New York City, that way that feels definitive and true. Amy Vincent's cinematography brings the humid, sweat soaked streets of Memphis to vivid life while production designer Keith Brian Burns creates sets that have a lived in feel so familiar you could swear you've been in that place.

Terrence Howard is electric in a complicated, hard-bitten performance. The character is uncompromising and not always a good person but his music and his all consuming desire to escape his despair make Djay sympathetic whether he strives to be or not. Howard does all of his own rapping in the film and shows an exceptional and unexpected talent for it.

What a great year for Terrence Howard. His powerful supporting performance in Paul Haggis' Crash is a remarkable turn. Now with Hustle and Flow, Howard has the kind of one-two punch that Jamie Foxx had in 2004 with Collateral and Ray. Howard does not have the big studio support that Foxx had last year, which makes him much more of a longshot come Oscar time, but it's unquestionable that both performances deserve recognition.

The lasting effect of Hustle and Flow comes from the film's soundtrack. With contributions from Memphis rap stars 3 Six Mafia and Al Capone and Terrence Howard's incredibly adept raps the music rings with the character's desire and desperation. Capone and 3 Six Mafia wrote all of Djay's raps but indeed it is Howard himself rapping in the film.

The music, with titles like "Whoop That Trick" and "It's Hard For A Pimp", have the raw power and resonance of rap music before it was co-opted and forced into the mainstream. Before rappers became consumed by their fame and began writing more about Cristal Champagne than about what was really happening on the streets.

Terrence Howard is emerging as a huge talent. Crash was a wake-up call and Hustle and Flow is a full on announcement of Terrence Howard's formidable gifts. Combined with arguably the year's best soundtrack and the phenomenal direction of Craig Brewer, Terrence Howard makes Hustle and Flow one of 2005's all-too-rare must-see pictures. 

Movie Review Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (2004) 

Directed by Danny Leiner

Written by Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg

Starring John Cho, Kal Penn, Neil Patrick Harris, Ryan Reynolds, Anthony Anderson, Malin Akerman

Release Date July 30th, 2004 

Published July 29th, 2004 

I can’t be the only one for whom the words “From the Director of Dude Where’s My Car” are not reassuring. That said, you can’t judge a filmmaker by his only film. Director Danny Leiner deserves a chance to make a second impression. However, when I heard that his Dude follow-up was called Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, I was less than enthusiastic. From the depths of low expectations can spring something amazing and Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle is amazing for the fact that it doesn’t suck.

Harold and Kumar are your typically mismatched pair of lifelong friends. Harold (John Cho) is a neurotic investment banker who is constantly put upon by his co-workers. Kumar (Kal Penn) has a high IQ and the test scores to go to any med school in the country, but he’d rather live off of his dad’s money and smoke some weed.

Well Harold and Kumar have that in common, they both smoke weed and when a White Castle commercial pops up on television they know exactly where to cure the munchies that accompany smoking the chronic. Kumar thinks he knows where the closest White Castle is but you know this is a buddy comedy road movie so this will not be that easy.

On the way to White Castle, Harold and Kumar encounter a group of skinhead extreme sports guys, a backwoods hick with a taste for group sex, an escaped leopard, racist cops and Neil Patrick Harris. Yes, that Neil Patrick Harris in the best of numerous cameos that also include Jaime Kennedy, Anthony Anderson and an unrecognizable Christopher Meloni as the previously mentioned backwoodsman.

The unique thing about Harold and Kumar is the smart satirical way it treats race. Harold is Korean, Kumar is Indian, but neither is defined by their ethnicity. They face racism at every turn and eventually they fight back in funny anarchic fashion, stealing cars, breaking into and out of prison, riding a leopard (see it for yourself).

Cho and Penn are a pair of terrific comic actors. Great chemistry, timing and charm. These two are really likable and you can’t help but cheer for them every humiliating, degrading step of the way. The few scenes they share with Neil Patrick Harris in a cameo as himself are absolutely hysterical. We have seen this type of career send up before, The Simpsons are famous for tweaking an actor’s past persona for ironic laughs, this time it’s somehow fresh and smart. That is because Harris is so committed and Cho and Penn sell the jokes so well.

Director Danny Leiner still has a way to go before we start praising his technique but this is unquestionably an improvement over Dude Where’s My Car. Of course, ninety minutes of blank screen would be an improvement over that film, but I’m trying to pay the guy a compliment. Harold and Kumar is a stoner comedy with all the stoner comedy beats and expected jokes. It’s juvenile and wades into the muck of gross out humor that genre does best.

Harold and Kumar would be valuable for just providing the rare starring role for a Korean guy and an Indian guy. It transcends that because those guys are actually very funny.

Movie Review Scary Movie 3

Scary Movie 3 (2003) 

Directed by David Zucker 

Written by Craig Mazin, Pat Proft 

Starring Anna Faris, Anthony Anderson, Kevin Hart, Leslie Nielsen, Simon Rex, Eddie Griffin 

Release Date October 24th, 2003 

Published October 23rd, 2003 

Scream was a film that changed the rules of modern horror forever by turning its conventions in on itself. Scary Movie had a timely “of the moment” quality even if the idea of parodying a film that was a parody in some respects itself was a little out there. Scary Movie succeeded, piling satire on top of pop culture scatology and earned its place amongst the best of modern madcap comedies. The sequel however could not match the energy of the original and most importantly its humor.

Now with a third sequel, Scary Movie has come to mirror the trilogy that inspired it. Scream 3 had none of the originality and creative energy of the first Scream and Scary Movie 3 is merely a pale imitation of its progenitor. The Zucker Brothers, the team behind the Airplane and Naked Gun films, take the creative reins from the Wayans Brothers. Even so, Scary Movie 3 is a limp parody of recent blockbusters ranging from The Matrix to The Others to M. Night Shyamalan's Signs and Eminem's 8 Mile. The modest 2002 horror hit The Ring provides the basis for much of the film’s satire.

Anna Faris returns as the series heroine Cindy Campbell, now working as a reporter ala Naomi Watts' character in The Ring. Cindy stumbles on two big news stories that may be connected, a videotape that promises death and crop circles in a small-town cornfield owned by Tom (Charlie Sheen in a parody of Mel Gibson's fallen priest in Signs). Simon Rex is George, Tom's younger brother and wannabe rapper a la Eminem in8 Mile. George is also Cindy's love interest in the film

None of the plot matters, of course, it's merely a jumping off point for movie parodies that reminded me of Weird Al Yankovic's song parodies. The film takes the plot of Signs or The Ring, recreates the scenes and simply changes the dialogue from melodrama to comedy. It's the same formula that worked so well in the original Scary Movie. However, the original smartly kept its focus on parodying one film at a time, Scary Movie 3 attempts to parody several different films all at once, at times more than one film in the same scene. The lack of focus forces the script to do a lot of explaining and re-explaining of what is being parodied. All of the exposition necessary to give context to the next gag is tiresome to say the least.

The film’s trailer is somewhat misleading. The trailer promises a Matrix parody with Queen Latifah and Eddie Griffin. In reality there is a bit of Matrix parody but Latifah and Griffin have more screen time in the trailer than in the actual film. I won't spoil the surprise of what actor plays the role of the Architect in another Matrix riff but it's one of the film’s few bright spots.

The film’s weak spots are numerous but especially glaring are its weak attempts at racial humor. The scenes that parody 8 Mile are completely off the mark and Simon Rex is especially overmatched attempting to send up Eminem who's verbal virtuosity is ten times funnier than any of the weak satire of Scary Movie 3. 

How do you send-up a character who himself is a brilliant parodist? You have to be able to top him and the Zucker Brothers never come close to any satire that Eminem hasn't already done himself and funnier. The Zucker's clearly lack the Wayans's sharp eye for racial humor. While watching the 8 Mile send-ups, you’re left to wonder how the Wayans Boys would have handled the same material and you know it would be far funnier.

The only thing Scary Movie 3 has going for it is Anna Faris who once again shows an astounding comedic ability to rise above even the most revolting indignities. Her Cindy Campbell has been beaten to heck in each of the three films and still Faris manages to shine. Faris takes on all of the lowest forms of humor with chipper aplomb and winks at the audience the whole way. She is the only element of Scary Movie 3 that works.

The Zucker Brothers with writing partner Jim Abrahams invented the parody genre. With Scary Movie 3 they may have effectively ended it from a creative standpoint. It's clear they have lost their deftness and comic touch in favor of half-assed, inane scatology. From a commercial standpoint unfortunately, the genre will likely have another life, it is clear this film will be a hit despite its innumerable flaws.

Movie Review Malibu's Most Wanted

Malibu's Most Wanted (2003) 

Directed by John Whitesell 

Written by Jamie Kennedy, Nick Swardson 

Starring Jamie Kennedy, Taye Diggs, Anthony Anderson, Blair Underwood, Regina Hall, Bo Derek, Snoop Dogg 

Release Date April 18th, 2003 

Published April 16th, 2003 

I don't want to be mean but for the life of me I can't figure out what Jamie Kennedy has done to earn an over the title credit on a feature film. His career is dotted by a number of direct to video comedies like the dreadful Sol Goode and strange thrillers like Pretty When You Cry opposite Sam Elliott. Huh? He can't still be riding his minuscule success as the film geek in Scream 1 & 2.

It likely stems from the inexplicable success of his TV show, “The Jamie Kennedy Experience.” I use the term success loosely as it's difficult calling any show on the WB network a success. The show which incorporates sketch comedy and warmed over Tom Green street pranks appeals to teenage boys well enough that it makes sense that a marketer might pick up on Kennedy and see a product he can sell. That still doesn't quite explain how Malibu's Most Wanted made it to the big screen but nevertheless here it is.

Kennedy is B-Rad or really just Brad Gluckman, the son of a millionaire candidate for California governor (Ryan O'Neal). Brad fancies himself a gangsta based on his love of the stereotypical culture portrayed in so-called gangsta rap. B-Rad has just returned home to help his dad's campaign by helping to attract black people to the campaign. Brad's ingenious ideas include interrupting a live press conference with a horrible rap and appealing to a conference with female voters with a sign that states "Bill Gluckman is down with the Bitches and the Ho's).

Sensing that Brad is a liability to the campaign, Dad and his campaign advisor (Blair Underwood) conspire to cure Brad of his poseur ways. The idea is to hire a pair of black actors to abduct Brad and teach him what the gangsta lifestyle is really like. As Underwood's character puts it, they will "scare the black out of him.”

The campaign hires Sean (Taye Diggs) and P.J (Anthony Anderson) to play the gangstas. Unfortunately, neither actor knows anything about the hood. In turn, they hire PJ's cousin Shondra (Regina Hall) to help them learn what the hood is like so they can scare Brad.

Everything goes to plan as Sean and P.J kidnap Brad with Shondra as bait and bring him to Shondra's house in what was formerly known as South Central Los Angeles. Sean and P.J play up gangster personas all the while complimenting each other on how authentic their characters are. Diggs and Anderson are the film's main assets and provide the only solid laughs.

The set up works only in short spurts and only in the scenes with Diggs and Anderson who are so good at times they make Kennedy seem like a co-star in his own movie. Indeed a film taken from Sean and PJ's perspective would have been far funnier than what we get in Malibu's Most Wanted. At about the one hour mark of the 80 minute movie, Sean and P.J are shoved into the background in favor of Brad's forced love story with Shondra and another kidnapping, this time by a real gangsta named Tec (Damien Dante Wayans). It is then that Malibu's Most Wanted loses what little humor it generates.

Taye Diggs is one of the smartest actors working today. Sadly, like Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, his good looks often prevent people from taking his talent seriously. Because of his boy toy role in How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Diggs will forever be typecast in the role of eye candy for drawing women into theaters. This obscures his work which in films as varied as the cheesy horror sendup House On Haunted Hill to the hip hop romance Brown Sugar has shown great wit and an ability to play off of anyone and hold his own. Most recently, Diggs had a terrific guest turn on the TV show “Ed” where he played himself, or rather what Ed thought Taye Diggs would be like if he met him in person.

You could call early 2003 the year of uncomfortable racial humor. There’s been Steve Martin and Queen Latifah in the tepid Bringing Down The House, Chris Rock's caustic political satire Head Of State and now Malibu's Most Wanted. Only Head Of State manages to do something with its racial content with Rock skewing racism from all sides. Bringing Down The House wants to satirize white stereotypes of black culture but lacks the courage to break from a sitcom formula to take on the subject. Malibu's Most Wanted is even less successful because it lacks the insight into Brad's identity to either portray it sympathetically or skewer satirically. Kennedy seems to want it both ways. He wants the audience to sympathize with Brad and also laugh at his over the top antics.

The elements of the sketch comedy character that B-Rad was conceived from don't translate to an 80-minute feature, and without a perspective, either sympathetic or satiric, you’re left with nothing but a confused character and audience. What this film says about Jamie Kennedy as a viable movie star is very little. The marketing campaign may lure people to theaters but the film itself will leave them wondering why they wasted the time to see it.

Movie Review: Cradle 2 the Grave

Cradle 2 the Grave (2003) 

Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak 

Written by John O'Brien 

Starring DMX, Jet Li, Anthony Anderson, Kelly Hu, Tom Arnold, Marc Dacascos, Gabrielle Union 

Release Date February 28th, 2003 

Published February 27th, 2003 

DMX has made it clear with the opening of his production company that the movie business isn't a hobby or a bandwagon-jumping fad. DMX the actor is dead serious about making a go of it in Hollywood. Unfortunately for DMX, Hollywood is not yet taking him seriously, sticking him with bad B-movie action scripts like the one he's saddled with in Cradle 2 the Grave, which, much like his last film Exit Wounds, casts him as the anti-hero with a heart of gold. It is a tiresome formula from which he will have a hard time.

In Cradle 2 the Grave, DMX is a diamond thief named Tony Fait who, along with his crew (including Anthony Anderson and Gabrielle Union) knock over a huge diamond vault in broad daylight. Unfortunately, they are being watched and followed by a shady Taiwanese law enforcement agent named Su (Jet Li). Just when it seems that the crew has pulled a successful heist, Su sends in the cops and Tony and company escape with only a fraction of their loot.

What they did get away with is a very valuable and mysterious bag of black diamonds. Having never seen anything like them before, Fait takes the diamond to a expert fence played by comedian Tom Arnold. Before the fence can find anything out about the diamonds, they are stolen by a rival gang headed up by Boston Public's Chi McBride. It gets worse. The original owners of the black diamonds, headed up by straight-to-video legend Mark Dacascos, want their diamonds back and take Fait's eight-year-old daughter in order to get Fait to give them what they want. (The child in danger plot is the hallmark of hack screenwriting.) Now, with nowhere to turn, Fait must team with Su to get his daughter and the diamonds, which are actually a powerful new terrorist weapon created by the Taiwanese government.

Director Adrzej Bartkowiak, who also helmed Exit Wounds, gives Cradle 2 the Gravea strong music video slickness that work well during the fight scenes, which are choreographed to the film's strong point, its soundtrack. If only the film were as entertaining as it is music. Unfortunately, it's not.

Still struggling with English, Li is given little to do when he isn't fighting bad guys. This puts the dramatic onus on DMX, who has a strong presence but is still a little too raw to be a leading man. The supporting cast is not bad; Union gives an especially strong accounting of herself showing off some kick-ass moves that she's never shown before. Anderson manages to keep his most annoying traits in check, though he is still somewhat grating, especially in the obviously improvised moments.

Poor Mark Dacascos is laughable as the villain. With his vapidity oozing over every sentence, Dacascos is one of least intimidating baddies in a long time. This guy is supposed to be a criminal mastermind; I doubt this guy could mastermind a convenience store robbery let alone negotiate an international arms deal. He, of course, is stuck with the film's most unintentionally chuckle-inducing moments when he addresses the world's foremost arms dealers by saying, "You are the world's most foremost arms dealers." Thanks for the plot update, genius.

Cradle 2 the Grave is yet another chase-scene, explosion, special-effect, action movie on auto-pilot. A film that had a cast and a poster before it had a script, Cradle 2 the Grave is a marketer's dream and an intelligent moviegoer's nightmare.

Movie Review The Back Up Plan

The Back Up Plan (2010) 

Directed by Alan Poul 

Written by Kate Angelo

Starring Jennifer Lopez, Alex O'Laughlin, Eric Christian Olsen, Anthony Anderson 

Release Date April 23rd, 2010

Published April 22nd, 2010 

It was the great Roger Ebert in his review of Rob Reiner's “North” who said "I hated, hated, hated. hated, hated, hated, hated this movie." I always thought I understood Roger's pain with the offal I have sifted through at the movie theater but until I saw the insipid, insulting and just plain awful “The Back Up Plan” starring Jennifer Lopez I did not truly understand how a bad movie can get under your skin.

The story of “The Back Up Plan,” such as it is from such a mindless screenplay, follows a woman named Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) who is one of those only in the movies cretins who despite beauty and inexplicable wealth cannot manage a personal life well enough to relate to another human being. Thus why, in her late 30's, she is undergoing artificial insemination.

To give you an idea of the intellect we are dealing with; as Zoe leaves the doctor's office after her insemination she keeps her knees together as she walks. Outside in the rain Zoe dances for a moment and then hails a cab. Once inside she is joined by Stan (Alex O'Loughlin) and each accuses the other of stealing their cab. This meet cute lasts as they both exit the cab, get on the subway and walk down the street sharing dialogue so inane as to render one unconscious.

They part as frenemies but soon are bumping into each other again and again before they realize they are meant to be. But, uh-oh, Zoe's pregnant. Will Stan want to be with a pregnant woman? Or will he run for the hills? Can Zoe overcome a tacked-on subplot about abandonment issues to let Stan really be with her? If you care I must ask that you exit this review right now.

My plot description does not do justice to the mess that “The Back Up Plan” truly is. Plot after plot, character after character, is shuffled into this ludicrous story only to be discarded without so much as a courtesy flush. Eric Christian Olson for one gets short-shrift as Zoe's employee; she owns a pet store that pays a living wage, yeah. Olson's Clive declines an offer to father Zoe's baby and then fades into the background occasionally playing a jealousy subplot that makes zero sense at all.

Tom Bosley and Linda Lavin are stuck with the idiot roles of old people who say and do things that you don't expect old people to do or say. Are you laughing? They're old but they talk like they're not old, get it? Ugh. Anthony Anderson an actor who stars on a hit TV series and has headlined movies of his own is here credited as Playground dad.

Anderson plays a character so spectacularly underwritten that they couldn't bother to name him. Playground Dad offers sage council to Stan when they happen upon each other at a Playground and Stan is accused of being a child predator. Funny right? Don't even bother mentioning the movie stereotype of the wise African American guru, expert on all things, who also fills in to allow a movie to fake multiculturalism.

Stereotypes are the hiding places of scoundrel screenwriters who lack the wit to write real characters, hence Zoe's single mom support group which over flows with stereotypes of Butch Lesbians who thankfully are not billed as Butch Lesbian Single Mom 1, 2 or 3.

Alex O'Loughlin is a nice looking but spectacularly forgettable actor who has starred on more failed CBS drama series than most actors see in a lifetime. Hollywood is determined to convince audiences they like Alex O'Loughlin and The Backup Plan is merely the latest, and unlikely, last attempt to make him a star. It's difficult to gauge O'Laughlin's actual talent. Judging him based on the moronic character he is given in The Back Up Plan seems terribly unfair.

Jennifer Lopez is a very beautiful woman. She has an unbelievable smile, great pipes and a body that just doesn't quit even after she gave birth to twins in real life two years ago. What a shame that she has zero taste in film scripts. Her career since her star-making performance in Steven Soderbergh’s “Out of Sight” has been a series of one blindingly awful movie after another. “The Back Up Plan” is arguably the worst of a lot that includes dregs like “Maid in Manhattan,” “The Wedding Planner” and “Monster In Law.”

Searching for something positive to say about “The Back Up Plan” I can think of only one thing: It can't likely get any worse than this. I am convinced that I have seen the worst Hollywood has to offer in 2010 and while I may be forced to eat those words- Hollywood's ability to scrape the bottom of the barrel and then lift the barrel is legendary- but that is how strongly I feel about how brutally, violently awful The “Back Up Plan” truly is.

Movie Review Kangaroo Jack

Kangaroo Jack (2002) 

Directed by David McNally

Written by Steve Bing, Scott Rosenberg

Starring Jerry O'Connell, Anthony Anderson, Estella Warren, Michael Shannon, Christopher Walken 

Release Date January 17th, 2002 

Published January 19th, 2002 

Jerry Bruckheimer's attack on the American moviegoing public continues with the release of the talking kangaroo movie Kangaroo Jack. The number one movie in America on its opening weekend, Jack is yet another black eye from a Hollywood community that just doesn't care anymore. They have figured it out, we will go see anything and then see it again. There will likely be a sequel to this movie proving once and for all, this country is on crack.

One of the great things about being a film critic is going to the movies for free. Great because I save money and because I can walk out on any movie at any time and not worry about arguing with the ticket guy over a refund. The movie hasn't started and I'm already eyeing the exits.

We begin with Charlie (Jerry O' Connell) in a voiceover explaining how he met his best friend Louis Booker (Anthony Anderson). Charlie was swimming and began drowning; Louis jumped in and saved him. Twenty years later Charlie is a hairdresser with his own shop that was purchased for him by his stepfather, a mobster named Sal Maggio (Christopher Walken). Louis is a street hustler (does that stereotype bother anyone? Does it matter?) who is constantly getting them in trouble. Louis's latest scam involves a truck full of Televisions that may or may not be stolen. These two characters are brain-dead morons so it's not long till the cops are onto them. They accidentally lead the cops to one of Sal's warehouses where the "family" keeps their stolen goods.

Sal is a little upset but instead of killing Charlie and Louis, he sends them on an errand in Australia. Charlie and Louis simply have to deliver a package containing 50,000 dollars to a man named Mr. Smith. Oh but if it were that simple, there wouldn't be a movie. On the way to meet Mr. Smith, Charlie runs into a kangaroo and thinks he killed it. A clowning Louis thinks it would be funny to dress up the supposedly dead animal and take pictures of it (HAHAHAHA, actually that is funny). Louis puts his jacket and sunglasses on the Kangaroo and the animal suddenly comes back to life and hops off. Not a big deal, except that Louis left the fifty grand in the jacket.

From there, Charlie and Louis mug like morons and engage in supposedly wacky hijinks with a drunk Australian airplane pilot and a sexy wildlife expert played by model Estella Warren. I would say Warren deserves better than this but she chose to be in this movie so it's her own fault.

Where do I begin with the "what's wrong with this movie" portion of my review? What's wrong is that this movie was made at all, but that is a little too general. Do you think that Jerry Bruckheimer is, in reality, some brilliant sociologist and that his films are merely an experiment to test just how far down he can push American culture before we finally fight back? Maybe he is just searching to find the bottom of the barrel, just so he knows where it is. Forgive me, I know I'm reaching but conspiracy theories are the only way I can explain Jerry Bruckheimer without just simply calling him Satan's spawn. I was just trying to be nice.

What do you think the pitch meeting for this movie was? It was probably something like:

Idiot studio exec #1 "I think the Kangaroo should talk"

Idiot studio exec #2 "That's Brilliant, call Jerry Bruckheimer".

Christopher Walken, why are you in this movie! Walken plays a stereotypical mob boss. Meanwhile, Italians are protesting the Soprano's yet not one word in protest of the goomba stereotypes of this film.

As for Anthony Anderson's character, a black street hustler simply playing the buffoon opposite the white lead character, how does Jerry Bruckheimer get away with such a blatantly stereotypical character and the makers of Barbershop get protested?

You may wonder why I ever sat through this film if I knew it was going to suck? It's simple, this is a movie review website and at the time of this review Kangaroo Jack was the number one movie in America. If this were a straight-to-video movie, we could ignore it, but with $17 million in box office receipts, someone on this site had to see and write about and no one else was as brave or crazy as I was. (Ed. Note - emphasis on crazy)

Movie Review: Barbershop

Barbershop (2002) 

Directed by Tim Story 

Written by Don D. Scott 

Starring Ice Cube, Cedric the Entertainer, Troy Garity, Eve, Keith David, Anthony Anderson

Release Date September 13th, 2002 

Published September 12th, 2002 

Recently the question was asked what rapper was the best actor. The answer? Ice Cube, and he deserves the accolade. Cube proved he had something with his debut in Boyz In The Hood. But it was Friday that showed Ice Cube was going to be around for a while. Now with Barbershop, Cube may finally shake the rapper actor label altogether and just be seen as an actor.

In Barbershop, Cube is Calvin, owner of a Chicago barbershop once owned by his grandfather and his father. Calvin, however, isn't satisfied running the family business, he would like to run his own record company from his basement. As the day unfolds Calvin decides to sell the shop to a local hustler played by Keith David. 

Meanwhile we get to know Calvin's employees. There is the grizzled vet Eddie (Cedric The Entertainer), the college kid Jimmy (Sean Patrick Thomas), African immigrant Dinka (Leonard Howze), former gangbanger Ricky (Michael Early), the lone white guy Isaac (Troy Garity) and the girl Terri (EVE). Each has their own problems, Ricky is a two time felon who if he gets in trouble again will spend the rest of his life in jail. 

His trouble is compounded by his no good cousin JD (Anthony Anderson) who uses Ricky's truck to steal a newly installed ATM machine from a market just down the street from the barbershop. Terri has a no-good boyfriend who she can't seem to shake, while Dinka is nursing a serious crush on her. Isaac, because he's white, can't get any customers, and is feuding with Jimmy who thinks he knows everything because he went to college. Then there is Eddie. Eddie is the ringleader, he begins the conversations and says everything on his mind no matter what anyone thinks. As Eddie, Cedric The Entertainer delivers the film's funniest performance.

For me though the movie was about Ice Cube. As we watch Barbershop we watch as Ice Cube the actor becomes more mature and relaxed. Cube is in command playing an older wiser character, a guy with dreams that have passed him by who is just now seeing what is real and important. The character of Calvin holds the movie together while observing it from the outside. Calvin is hardly ever involved in the barbershop conversations but he is always watching and his perspective is the audience's perspective. As he realizes how important his shop is to the neighborhood, we in the audience do as well. It is a marvelous performance.

Barbershop does have its flaws, particularly Anthony Anderson as JD. Anderson is becoming a cliché, playing the same character over and over. In Barbershop his constant mugging is tiresome and unnecessary. The film could have done without his entire subplot. Still, Barbershop is a very good movie. For me the most important thing in comedy is consistency. Most films take too long setting up jokes that aren't funny enough to justify the time taken to set them up. In Barbershop, laughs come early and often, making for one of the funniest movies of 2002.