Movie Review Five Nights at Freddy's

Five Nights at Freddy's (2023) 

Directed by Emma Tammi 

Written by Scott Cawthon, Seth Cuddeback, Tyler MacIntyre 

Starring Josh Hutcherson, Elizabeth Lail, Mary Stuart Masterson, Matthew Lillard 

Release Date October 27th, 2023 

Published October 27th, 2023 

Writing about a movie like Five Nights at Freddy's is a thankless task. This is not a movie that gives a critic much to talk about. Movies this witless and needless are more of a tax on your time and energy than anything else. Five Nights at Freddy's is what is called, in industry-speak, an I.P play. That means that it is a well known intellectual property that studio marketers are confident that they can cash in on, regardless of whether the movie is any good. I.P plays are the 'content' that director Martin Scorsese was railing against when everyone accused him of hating Marvel movies. Scorsese doesn't care about Marvel movies, he cares about the result of such movies, I.P plays that take up theater space and waste the critical thinking and mental energy of filmgoers. 

The makers of Five Nights at Freddy's aren't so much make a work of art as they are designing a commercial product intended to sell tickets and shift merchandise. Instead of having a script and a visual design aesthetic, a movie like Five Nights at Freddy's has a spreadsheet that details the market testing that helps set goals for how many tickets sold, how many plush toys, blankets and video games sold, and somewhere on a back page, the money paid to people who've been hired to manufacture the final product movie, itself a product that is intended to be packaged and sold as a digital download, some time in the very near future. 

Five Nights at Freddy's isn't a movie that was written or directed, rather it is crafted by carpenters who hammer the product into something that resembles a movie but is more of an advertisement for selling tickets to what looks like a movie. The real hope is that you will buy a ticket and a t-shirt, a collector cup and a plush. And, of course, the video game which I am sure will shift a few units due to being made relevant again by a marketing campaign. As someone who loves movies and loves writing about movies, a movie like Five Nights at Freddy's is especially dispiriting. There was never any intention to make a good movie here, there was only ever a marketing campaign and merch. 

Hunger Games star Josh Hutcherson, who has apparently squandered his Hunger Games paychecks, how else does he end up here, stars in Five Nights at Freddy's as Mike, a depressed and deeply unlikable character. Mike is depressed for a reason, he feels that it was his fault that his younger brother, Garrett, was kidnapped when they were kids. Since then, Mike has made it his mission to try and recall the man who took his brother. This obsession has cost Mike jobs because either he's sleeping through work or he's angrily attacking people. 

Having been fired from his most recent job as a Mall security guard, Mike is forced to accept the only job made available to him, security guard in a dilapidated restaurant, a former kid friendly pizza place called Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. All Mike has to do is stay awake and watch some monitors, make sure no one breaks in. Why does a restaurant that has not been open in over a decade need a security guard? Who cares, the movie sure doesn't care. So, why should we care, right? It's just another extraneous detail in a movie that doesn't care about details or anything other than just existing and vaguely resembling a horror movie. 

Find my full length review at Horror.Media 

Horror in the 90s Nothing But Trouble

Nothing But Trouble (1991) 

Directed by Dan Akroyd 

Written by Dan Akroyd 

Starring Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, Dan Akroyd, John Candy 

Release Date February 15th, 1991 

Box Office $8.4 million dollars 

Why does Dan Akroyd's elderly villain in Nothing But Trouble have the top of a penis for a nose? Why would this be funny? Is it intended to funny? Is it intended to be disturbing? It's certainly confusing. It achieves a high level of confusing. For the life of me, no matter how often I turn this idea over in my mind, I cannot understand the choice of having Akroyd's elderly villain creep have the tip of a penis for a nose. I imagine you reading this and kind of laughing to yourself as the absurdity of the idea of a penis tip for a nose. You're not wrong to laugh, it is absurd and funny but not in the way Dan Akroyd thinks its funny. 

And that is the deeply unfunny heart of 1991's Nothing But Trouble, it's often something you may laugh at but not for the reasons that director Dan Akroyd assumes you will laugh. For Akroyd, the presentation of something is enough to call it a joke. For instance, his penis tip nose or the sight of John Candy in a dress playing his own sister. These visuals are presented to us as if we are supposed to laugh at them, but they aren't actually doing anything funny, either visually or otherwise and thus we are left confused at the choice to show us these things. 

Another thing that writer-director Dan Akroyd thinks is funny but most assuredly is not, is Akroyd's pal, Chevy Chase at his most smug and exhausting. Akroyd has bought into Chase's delusion that just being smug engenders being charming and funny. Chase never says a single funny line in Nothing But Trouble but he's presented by Akroyd as the height of charming. Chase however, is merely arrogant and dismissive of others in a way that might be funny if Chase weren't so dead behind the eyes. Chase is all surface, no substance and his minor barbs lobbed at the villainous characters in Nothing But Trouble, never lands. 

Nothing But Trouble stars Chevy Chase as Chris, a stock expert who has made millions giving stock advice. He lives a fabulous life in a fabulous New York City apartment with fabulous friends that he can barely tolerate. One day, on the way home to a party in his own apartment, Chris meets his new neighbor, Diane (Demi Moore). It's not a meet cute in the traditional sense, it's more of two people sharing the same space that the script requires to be together. To say that Moore and Chase don't share a particular chemistry is an understatement. It appears to take a lot of effort from Moore to be in a scene with Chase, struggling to find a place amid the odor of his massive ego. 

Diane has just lost a big client in Atlantic City and she desperately needs a ride. She asks Chris, who she just met, if she can borrow his car and he insists on driving her himself. A pair of Chris' most obnoxious party guests, played in broad South American caricatures by comedian Taylor Negron and Berlita Demas, overhear Chris and Diane's plan to drive to Atlantic City and insist on going with them. So, on top of the anti-chemistry of Moore and Chase we have a pair of obnoxious stereotypes to overcome. It's as if Akroyd actively wanted us to hate Nothing But Trouble. His dedication to not having actual jokes continues to plague the movie. 

Find my full length review at Horror.Media 

Classic Movie Review Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2 (1987) 

Directed by Bruce Pittmann 

Written by Ron Oliver 

Starring Michael Ironside, Wendy Lyon, Justin Louis 

Release Date October 16th, 1987 

Published October 18th, 2023 

Hollywood is often accused these days of being obsessed with existing I.P or intellectual property. Sequels, remakes, re-imaginings, these are movies that are derived from existing I.P. It's true, Hollywood is obsessed with existing I.P, uncovering old products that can be made new again, it's familiarity wielded as a marketing campaign. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny is an I.P, Marvel movies, Star Wars, the Fast and Furious movies, and any number of horror franchises are existing I.P and Hollywood loves to recycle to save a little money. 

It's tempting to say that this isn't a new practice and it really isn't a new practice. But, things like Disney turning their legendary cartoons into live action movies or even creating a franchise out of something used to be at least a little bit frowned upon. Remakes, re-imaginings and loosely related sequels were once the realm of hucksters and shysters not prestigious movie studios with decades of credibility, awards, and blockbusters. Why, there was once a time when Superman got sold to a couple of con-artists who used Superman 4 as a money laundering scheme, ALLEGEDLY. Could you imagine a studio willingly giving away Superman today? 

The best example of the disreputable nature of I.P plays back in the day came from the horror genre. Hucksters and con artists of all stripes were in the business of capitalizing on I.P and, even if they didn't know it, they laid the groundwork for where we are today with the out of control obsession with I.P plays. Take for instance, Troll 2, often viewed as the best worst movie of all time. That film has nothing whatsoever to do with the modestly successful low budget 80s horror movie, Troll. The producers simply managed to become the owner of the Troll I.P and felt that slapping a number 2 on a movie was a clever marketing gimmick. 

Full length review at Horror.Media

Classic Movie Review Silence of the Lambs

Silence of the Lambs (1991) 

Directed by Jonathan Demme 

Written by Ted Tally 

Starring Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins, Scott Glenn 

Release Date February 14th, 1991 

Box Office $272 million dollars 

In many respects, Silence of the Lambs is the most successful horror movie of the 1990s. The film is the second highest grossing horror movie of the decade, behind only David Fincher's Seven, but it also swept the Academy Awards, winning Best Actress for Jodie Foster, Best Actor for Anthony Hopkins and Best Picture among other awards. Oddly enough, it's this remarkable level of success and respectability that causes many to dismiss the idea that Silence of the Lambs is a horror movie. Horror movies are supposed to be shown in drive ins or on late night cable television. Horror Movies do not sweep the Oscars and, in fact, aren't allowed in the hallowed halls of respectable Hollywood. 

And yet, there should be no question that we are watching and adoring a horror movie. Clarice Starling, for all of her respectable traits and awards pedigree, is a terrific example of the Final Girl archetype. Yes, she's dressed up with a terrific actor in Jodie Foster and built with a respect for women that the horror genre typically lacks, but nevertheless, the final moments of Clarice's search for the big bad of Silence of the Lambs casts Clarice as a tremendous example of the Final Girl, the survivor who lives to tell the tale of what happened with the killer. 

A lot of people who claim they don't like horror movies want to knock down the notion that Silence of the Lambs is a horror movie out of their stubborn belief that they don't find such films entertaining. On the other side, there are hardcore horror fans who don't want to accept Silence of the Lambs as a horror movie because it is too respectable, too beloved. It's a horror film for the normies who wouldn't last but a few minutes watching a 'real' horror movie. Silence of the Lambs also lacks in the kinds of transgressive bad taste that is also a hallmark of 'real' horror movies. 

Silence of the Lambs opens on FBI Trainee Clarice Starling (Jodie Foster) running through the woods, alone. It might seem like nothing but there is a heft to this image. A woman running alone through the woods a classic horror movie scenario. Whether you are talking about Friday the 13th or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, when you place a woman in the context of being alone running through the woods, the echoes of horror movies of the past are evoked. I am going to take the image a little further however, and speculate a little bit about something a little esoteric. 

Find my full length review at Horror.Media

Movie Review Butcher's Crossing

Butcher's Crossing (2023) 

Directed by Gabe Polsky 

Written by Gabe Polsky, Liam Satre Meloy 

Starring Nicolas Cage, Fred Hechinger, Xander Berkley 

Release Date October 20th, 2023 

Published ? 

I think, to be as fair as possible to Butcher's Crossing, this movie isn't for me. Butcher's Crossing is a slow, agonizingly dry piece of historical fiction. It's an interesting story, how a few people managed to savage an entire species to near extinction while nearly getting themselves killed but you have to be willing to go on this rather dreary journey. It does have its temptations, this journey. The main temptation being star Nicholas Cage with a fully shaved dome and a touch of the crazy eyes. Beyond that though, the appeal of Butcher's Crossing is limited to obsessive fans of the history of the American west. 

A naïve and ill-prepared Harvard drop out arrives at a fort in the west in early 1800s. Will Andrews (Fred Hechinger) is a rich kid with a little of dad's money and a desire to see what the American west looks like. He's traveled to this place to meet a man who worked for his father years ago. Will hopes that this man will allow him to join one of his buffalo hunting parties as a sort of hunting tourist. The man turns him down and sends him on his way. Not one for giving up, Will seeks out a man in a saloon with a big reputation. 

Miller (Nicolas Cage) is a well known buffalo hunter with a taste for blood and a gleam in his eye. Miller can see this wimp coming a mile away and he smells the kids money. Miller just happens to harbor a desire to no longer work for the hunting companies in this town, he wants to branch out on his own and all he needs is a bank roll. Miller also claims to know where he can find a seemingly endless supply of Buffalo that could be harvested, skinned and provide more money than any local hunter could possibly dream of. 

Naturally, the dimwitted Harvard drop out is won over by the charismatic hunter. Once they hire a skinner, (Jeremy Bobb), they are on their way to a valley no one but Miller believes exists. After seeming to get lost, they actually find the valley and indeed, they find a herd of buffalo unlike any that's been harvested before. It's large and for some reason, despite Miller picking them off repeatedly with a rifle, most of the herd doesn't try to leave the valley, making them easy to hunt to an almost ludicrous degree. The hunters will harvest more buffalo than they could possible skin and return to their outpost and Miller's mania for killing buffalo will eventually risk all of their lives in the harsh conditions of the Colorado territory. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review Judgment Night

Judgment Night (1993) 

Directed by Stephen Hopkins 

Written by Lewis Colick 

Starring Emilio Estevez, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jeremy Piven, Stephen Dorff, Denis Leary 

Release Date October 15th, 1993

Published October 16th, 2023 

The most interesting aspect of 1993's action flick, Judgment Night is how star Emilio Estevez held the producers over a barrel. Estevez is rumored to have been very low on the list of actors that the producers wanted for the lead role of Frank in Judgment Day. Naturally, they were chasing a big star, Tom Cruise. That didn't work so they went to Christian Slater who also passed on the role. The role was then passed on by John Travolta and Ray Liotta before landing at the feet of Emilio Estevez. The production had a small window to actually shoot and complete the film and with that, the studio offered Estevez the role because he was available and so many others said no. And then Estevez asked for $4 million dollars for the role and he got it. 

That's way more interesting than what happens in this dopey urban action drama which posits a mostly empty downtown Chicago a fully dystopian Chicago that is desperately violent but also a ghost town. Four buddies are traveling to the big city from the suburbs in order to attend a boxing event. Frank (Estevez) is joining his best friend Mike (Cuba Gooding Jr), Frank's brother, John (Stephen Dorff), and their obnoxious, pushy, irritating pal Ray (Jeremy Piven) for the trip to the city. 

Because his personality apparently isn't obnoxious enough, Ray decides to scam his way to borrowing a gigantic motor home to take the four friends to the city for the fight. Unfortunately, the group fails to account for Chicago traffic on a night when there is a giant sporting event and they wind up missing the start of the event while trapped on an expressway. With time slipping away, Ray makes an illegal turn and uses an off-ramp to try and sneak around traffic. The group ends up in the dystopian future set of Chicago, unrecognizable to suburban yokels like themselves. 

As the group bickers about being lost, Ray hits a pedestrian with the motor home. Forced to stop by his friends, Ray frets about going to jail as his buddies tend to the injured pedestrian. To say this pedestrian is having a rough night would be an understatement. Not only was hit just hit by a motor home, he'd been shot in the gut just before the accident. Clutching a bag full of ill-gotten cash, the man begs for help and the friends force Ray to try and find a hospital, despite his desire to abandon the injured man and try to avoid going to jail. 

Mike takes over driving and the group is on the run, choosing to try and chase a police car on its way to call. That's when the motor home is struck by a car and forced off the road. The motor home finally comes to rest trapped between two buildings. The men in the car that hit them turn out to be gangsters led by Fallon (Denis Leary). They break open the back of the motor home to snatch the injured man and they kill him. They then want to kill the witnesses to that killing and set off after our suburban commandos who rush off into those famously empty Chicago streets. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review The Exorcist

The Exorcist (1973)

Directed by William Friedkin 

Written by William Peter Blatty 

Starring Ellen Burstyn, Max Von Sydow, Lee J. Cobb, Jason Miller 

Release Date December 26th, 1973

Published October 10th, 2023 

The first image you see in William Friedkin's The Exorcist is the sun, bright, orange, dawning a new day. This is followed by an image of a sweltering desert in Northern Iraq. On the soundtrack is Arabic music. What does any of this tell us about the rest of the movie we are about to watch? I would argue, it tell us nothing. The sun doesn't have any meaning related to the rest of the movie. Nor does a sweltering desert. Perhaps if I reach beyond logic, I could argue that the sun and the desert reflect the heat of Hell? Maybe? But that is a very big stretch. 

An archaeological dig is occurring in this northern Iraqi desert. Numerous men swing pickaxes and other implements intended to break rock and remove dirt. Why? We can assume it has something to do with ancient religion, an attempt to uncover something lost to time. Here, William Friedkin lingers over the images of Iraqi men with their tools, the dirt, the heat, is this a representation of what hell is like? What does it mean that Friedkin's stand in for Hell is located in a Muslim country? What does this have to do in any way with a child who later stab herself in the crotch with a crucifix? 

An elderly white archaeologist is called to come to a place where some small items have been found. The old man goes and when he reaches into the cave where these small items have been found, he finds one more, a small idol with what appears to be the face of a dog or a dragon or something. We don't know who this old man is at this point, but we stay with him as he goes to a café and has some tea. He's shaky, he takes pills for what I assume is a heart condition. He appears shaky though whether that is due to having found this idol thing or because he's very old and has been working in the hot sun all day, is unclear. 

The shaky old dude leaves the café. He walks around the corner and sees three blacksmiths hard at work, rhythmically pounding away at a piece of hot metal. One of the men turns to the old man and reveals a cloudy eye. The old man, our seeming protagonist wheezes, and the scene ends. Cut to a ticking clock. The old man mumbles 'Evil against Evil.' Finally, we learn that the old man is a priest as the other man in the room refers to him as 'Father.' The clock on the wall stops and the man says he is sorry to see the old man leave. Father tells the man that he has something he must do. The old man goes back to the archaeological dig site, he locates a statue, one that resembles the small idol he found earlier. A man kicks some rocks, dogs fight, Father stares at the statue, we fade to the sun which ends the scene and takes us to Georgetown, Virginia, USA, the setting for our story. 

Why does William Friedkin's The Exorcist begin with this prologue? What have we learned? Father Merrin (Max Von Sydow) was in Iraq. He found an idol and stared at a statue. The idol and the statue are related. By the rules of storytelling then, this demonic figure that Father Merrin found must be related to the possession of young Regan O'Neill (Linda Blair). There is one, relatively inane visual scene that links Iraq and the idol to Regan and Georgetown. Following the offscreen death of a filmmaker who was directing a movie Regan's mom was working on, a Police Detective (Lee J. Cobb) finds what looks like an idol just like the one Father Merrin found in Iraq. 

Find my full length review at Horror.Media