Movie Review: Ballistic Ecks vs Sever

Ballistic Ecks vs. Sever 

Directed by Kaos 

Written by Alan B. McElroy 

Starring Antonio Banderas, Lucy Liu, Gregg Henry, Ray Park, Talisa Soto 

Release Date September 20th, 2002 

Published September 19th, 2002 

Well I must admit I was growing complacent. After a series of good movies mixed with some average and below-average movies, I had forgotten about Hollywood’s ability to make truly horrible films. In the past month or so Hollywood had lulled me into a trance of average movies that left no impression, good or bad. The new movie, Ballistic: Ecks Vs Sever, woke me from this trance with the loudest, dumbest, most idiotic movie this side of Rollerball. The byzantine plot of Ballistic is too ridiculous to explain. From what I was able to deduce, Lucy Liu played Sever and Antonio Banderas played Ecks. Other than that I am at a loss to explain the stupidity that passes for a plot. 

There is something about a weapon that was stolen from a lab in Germany. The microscopic weapon can cause heart attacks if it gets into the bloodstream, I think. There is something about a little kid that Sever takes as a hostage, something about Ecks' wife who he thought was dead but wasn't and Gregg Henry as the villain named Gant. The amazing thing about Gant is the audience has no clue why he does what he does. The movie teases that he is some public official but for the life of me I can't figure it out. 

We know Gant and his men can manipulate the local law enforcement of Vancouver, British Columbia, though we don't know why. Gant's men interact with the FBI but it's implied that they aren't with the FBI. There is some organization called the DIA. Whatever that is, the move never explains. We do know Gant wants this weapon, the heart attack weapon. The trailer is a better source than the film if you want to make sense of the weapons ability. Apparently you get it inside someone then it lays dormant until you press a button and it kills him or her. How do you get it inside someone? You shoot them. Of course that kind of defeats the purpose of the weapon doesn't it? 

Maybe you can rationalize that somehow, but how do you explain that the weapon is made of metal. So you have given the head of state a heart attack but your weapon is inside the body and easily detected in the autopsy, once again defeating the implied purpose of the weapon, which I believe is supposed to go undetected. It doesn't matter. Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever is a mess, which is appropriate because a guy who was credited as Kaos directed it. The irony is thick. The film is essentially a series of large explosions and that's it. The story is nonexistent, the script is a joke, the actors are completely lost and that is the only thing the audience can really relate too. 

Poor Lucy Liu and poor Antonio Banderas. While they deserve to be criticized for just being involved in this mess, I don't blame them for its failure. Both stars are attractive and charismatic. Unfortunately the director doesn't care. The only thing Kaos is interested in is getting to the next explosion ASAP. 

The director especially abuses Lucy Liu. Liu is an actress, yet in the films entire running length Lucy has 7 lines of dialogue. SEVEN. I counted them. That is less than Arnold Schwarzenegger in Hercules in New York and he could barely speak English then. Why hire an actress like Liu for a role that could have easily been filled by a stuntwomen? 

Stuntman Ray Park is also singled out for abuse, he has more dialogue than Lucy Liu and his character only exists for the purpose of being killed by Liu in a karate fight. Then there is Gregg Henry as the villainous Gant. Henry does his job in workmanlike fashion, oozing slime and dripping with evil. Gant actually gives us insight into which star got top billing. You see, whichever star kills Gant is the one with top billing. I will leave the mystery.

The most amazing thing about Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is the director’s ability to combine an incomprehensible plot with plot devices more predictable than a calendar. That is a true accomplishment. Is Ecks Vs Sever the worst film of 2002? I'm not sure. Rollerball, Fear Dot Com and Tart have strong arguments for that title. Ecks Vs Sever will be near the top of the list that is for sure.

Movie Review G.I Joe The Rise of Cobra

G.I Joe The Rise of Cobra 

Directed by Stephen Sommers 

Written by Stuart Beattie, David Elliott, Paul Lovett 

Starring Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Dennis Quaid, Ray Park, Joseph Gordon Levitt 

Release Date August 7th, 2009 

Published August 6th, 2009 

It is very, very, bad form to reference the great French auteur Jean Luc Godard in a review of something as ludicrous as G.I the movie but, the great director's quote that the best way to criticize a movie is to make another movie an apt and ironic way to discuss Paramount Pictures persnickety reaction to bad reviews of their other toy based movie Transformer Revenge of the Fallen (Again many apologies for dragging you into this Monsieur Godard). 

G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra acts as a near perfect commentary on the Transformers sequel. The parallels are almost endless. You have properties based on toy lines. You have stunningly awful dialogue shouted by utterly moronic characters and stories so incomprehensible that they leave almost no logical basis whatsoever for their very existence. Oh, and don't forget the girls in the super tight clothes. The only difference between these movies is that G.I Joe knows it's ridiculous and runs with it while Michael Bay thinks he's making Lawrence of Arabia with giant talking robots. 

Stephen Summers, the good natured hack behind The Mummy, keeps things light and goofy and allows a good time to be had by all and not just those most forgiving. The plot of G.I Joe The Rise of Cobra is of absolutely no consequence. Ok, fine, here's a capsule: G.I Joe is a secret NATO organization with elite soldiers from around the world who keep bad guys at bay. The latest bad guy to step out of line is an arms dealer named McCullen (Christopher McCullen) who is grinding a 400 year old ax over the way his arms dealing fore-fathers were treated. 

McCullen has developed a weapon that is sentient and can eat all metal structures. The unwanted logical question is: Why, if he built the weapon does he then hire thugs to steal the weapon? We never knew the weapon was stolen or taken from him so it is weird to see him send people to steal it. Who knows why but McCullen indeed does hire The Baroness (Sienna Miller, every nerd's dream in librarian glasses and tight black leather) and Storm Shadow (Byung Hun Lee) a ninja.  I mention that Storm Shadow is a ninja because, like all fanboys, just the word 'Ninja' makes me giddy. 

The attempt to steal the weapon draws the ire of G.I Joe and all out war ensues in both the Joe's buried in the desert bunker and the arms dealer's underwater fortress beneath the ice caps of the north pole. I imagine director Summers and Screenwriter Stuart Beattie laughing like school children as they chose these locations, I certainly did when each was revealed. There is a definite kitsch at work here but not so much that G.I Joe becomes all out camp. It's a little too aware of its own out-there-ness to allow for camp. 

Ah, but kitsch without a doubt, this is kitsch. Just check the buck wild goofy cameo by Mummy star Brendan Fraser who appears for one scene and seems more like a reject from a Rushmore production of Apocalypse Now than the star of G.I Joe sequels to come. Fraser is the only actor truly aware of the goofiness. The rest of the cast mixes dedicated professionalism with a healthy amount of incredulity. 

That is except poor Channing Tatum whose deathly seriousness as the newest Joe, Duke, becomes the film's biggest unintentional joke. Tatum is a handsome kid but his mumbled lines and wooden face turn even his attempts at humor into the most forceful of kitsch. Tatum has a following among young girls who have only recently discovered how to properly apply the new school slang 'hottie'. New school, in that it has only been a part of our low culture for maybe a decade. 

The rest of the cast of G.I Joe seems about as in on the joke as director Sommers. The key is, their awareness never becomes irritating in that winking fashion, again save for Fraser. Dennis Quaid is among many who, I am sure, stifled giggles over his dialogue that is almost entirely exposition. Rachel Blanchard is quite the trooper selling an attraction to the mugging comic relief that is Marlon Wayans. She, naturally, has a 'catfight' with the Baroness that is pure cheesecake but also brief. Sienna Miller has the most backstory of any character and plays it to good effect, as good as can be expected of such a limited and witless script. 

And then there is Ray Park as Snake Eyes. This is the character most fanboys were waiting for and we are not disappointed. Park is already a fanboy legend as the gone too soon Darth Maul in Phantom Menace (There is a stunningly large amount of fan fiction solely dedicated to Darth Maul murdering Jar Jar Binks, not related to this review really but interesting). Snake Eyes is the brother of Storm Shadow and they battle with swords, guns, fists and feet in well choreographed battles that culminate in unexpected fashion. Ray Park has more range behind Snakeyes's leather mask than co-star Channing Tatum has shown in several movies. 

G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra shames Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen not just in its better attitude and knowingness but also in special effects, editing and sound design, the alleged specialties of Mr. Michael Bay. The effects in G.I Joe work because of the clarity and uncluttered direction of Steven Sommers who managed this same economical trick in realizing The Mummy. Where Transformers 2 is a mess of robot carcasses battering one another at an ear splitting volume, G.I Joe is fleet and nimble, keeping the ludicrous action in focus where we can actually make out who is doing what to whom. 

G.I Joe The Rise of Cobra alsi unfolds quicker and lingers on noise far less than Transformers 2. Indeed, as Godard said, if you want to criticize a movie, make another movie. G.I is the other to Transformers 2 and Stephen Summers shows Michael Bay almost every mistake he made and then proceeds to make most of them again, only with a little more style and a whole lot more fun.