Movie Review Grown Ups

Grown Ups (2010) 

Directed by Dennis Dugan

Written by Adam Sandler, Fred Wolf

Starring Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Kevin James, Taylor Lautner

Release Date June 25th, 2010 

Published June 24th, 2010

Critics, like me, can decry the Adam Sandler brand of comedy all day. We do, we will, I will. But, we cannot deny its continuing success. Sandler is, arguably, the safest business bet in all of Hollywood. Even at his worst in garbage like “Bedtime Stories,” the worst film of 2008, bar none, Sandler still turns out his fans and returns on studio investments. That will not change with the release of “Grown Ups.” This thin excuse for Sandler to get his oldest friends together for a lakeside working vacation is exceptionally typical of the Sandler brand: dog doo, passing gas and copious pratfalls. It's not filmic poetry but fans of the brand do not care.

In “Grown Ups” Adam Sandler is Lenny, a 40-something Hollywood Agent married to a sexy fashion designer (Salma Hayek) and raising three spoiled kids who text their nanny to bring them things ,and spend most of their time in front of a flat screen TV. Lenny laments his children's lack of imagination but does little to change them. That is until Lenny is shocked out of his rich boy Hollywood idyll by the death of his childhood mentor and basketball coach, Coach Buzzer (Comic and Sandler crony Blake Clark).

Gathering up his wife and brats, Lenny is headed home to a lakeside retreat to meet his old pals and former teammates. There's Eric (Kevin James), the chubby one, whose wife (Maria Bello) is still breastfeeding their 4-year-old son.

Kurt (Chris Rock), a henpecked house husband under the thumb of his pregnant wife (Maya Rudolf). There is Marcus (David Spade), the single and loving ladies man. And finally there is Rob, a dopey thrice divorced vegan spiritualist married to a much, much, much older woman (Joyce Van Patten).

Beyond these minor character quirks there really is nothing to any of these characters. In the course of “Grown Ups” none of these characters evolve, deepen or expand our understanding of them. Sure, each is given an issue to play, like Sandler and his tech-obsessed brats, but each of these issues is resolved with little, if any, dramatic effort.

Like most Adam Sandler comedies, “Grown Ups” is an idea in search of a story or unifying theme that settles for being a series of occasionally funny gags and one liners. Sandler and his company Happy Madison don't so much develop screenplays really; rather, they come up with ideas, grab a camera and hope that something will come together in editing.

Nothing much comes together in “Grown Ups.” David Spade gets in a few good jabs. Kevin James falls down funny once or twice. Rob Schneider has a bit with an arrow that earns a chuckle but the good gags are few and far between. More often you get a lot of dead space in which the gang riffs in search of a punchline, often never finding it and allowing a scene to simply end awkwardly and unfunny.

None of my criticism of “Grown Ups” will matter to the Sandler cult. There is poo, there are multiple farts and the chubby guy, James, falls down funny. That's all the Sandler fan asks for and that is all that “Grown Ups delivers.” Success, it seems, is a highly subjective concept.

Movie Review: Abduction

Abduction (2011) 

Directed by John Singleton

Written by Shawn Christensen 

Starring Taylor Lautner, Jason Isaacs, Alfred Molina 

Release Date September 23rd, 2011

Published September 23rd, 2011 

How bad is "Abduction?" I kept trying to imagine the characters from the brilliant "Mystery Science Theater 3000" sitting in the row in front of me making the experience of "Abduction" tolerable through snarky commentary. "Abduction" is mind-blowingly bad from the action to the supposed suspense and especially to star Taylor Lautner who is entirely over-matched by this awful material.

Nathan (Taylor Lautner) is a below average High School teenager who, when we meet him for the first time, is riding on the hood of a speeding truck for fun. Putting aside the complete and utter irresponsibility of such an action, is this the best way to introduce a main character?

Nathan only gets dumber at a party where he gets blitzed and wakes up on someone's lawn. Again, why are we being introduced to our main character this way? Nathan gets picked up from the party by his angry father (Jason Isaacs) and his punishment is a fight, not a screaming match, an actual fight. Dad makes Nathan put on some boxing gloves and box while hung over. What does this have to do with anything? Who knows?

Eventually, the movie does get down to the promised business of Nathan finding his image on a missing children website. The site turns out to be a front for an international terrorist who has apparently been waiting 18 years for one kid to search one of several hundred websites for his own picture.

The terrorist wants to abduct the kid but first he has to find him, kill his parents and fend off some CIA folks who are also tailing the kid; Alfred Molina plays the CIA guy and does what he can to make his character interestingly ambiguous. Sigourney Weaver is less successful as Nathan's shrink with a secret.

Poor Lilly Collins, so interesting in "The Blind Side," so whiny and forgettable in "Abduction." The only way that "Abduction" might have worked is if director John Singleton had switched the genders of the lead characters and had Lilly Collins as the butt-kicking teen abductee and Taylor Lautner as the simpering sidekick/romantic interest.

Ok, there isn't really anything that could have made "Abduction" interesting. Director John Singleton is far too talented for a movie this bad and yet his name is on it. Singleton, who has in the past taken clichéd action stories and turned them into fun exercises in B-Movie cliches in movies like "Four Brothers" and "2 Fast 2 Furious" fails miserably with the same formula in "Abduction."

Taylor Lautner is, I am sure, a very nice kid. Unfortunately, his acting is blank eyed and stony. Lautner has the body of an action hero but the acting instinct of someone not being properly directed. Lautner's eyes are constantly searching for something off camera to reassure him of what he's supposed to be saying or doing.

"Abduction" suffers right along with its star, desperately seeking a direction and finding only one nonsensical situation after another. The plot of "Abduction" relies on more contrivances than your average direct to DVD thriller. Among the humorous low-lights: CIA Agents and bad guys who can always find the good guy no matter where he is or what he does yet act as if they couldn't find their keys with a map.

"Abduction" could be fun just as it is in the hands of Mike Nelson and the "Mystery Science Theater" crew. I am not half the snarky quipster those guys are and I managed to entertain myself thoroughly at the expense of "Abduction." I can only imagine the fun that a trained group of jokers could have watching this hysterically bad movie.

Movie Review: The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Pt 1

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn (2011) 

Directed by Bill Condon

Written by Melissa Rosenberg

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Ashley Greene, Kellen Lutz

Release Date November 18th, 2011 

Published November 17th, 2011 

You have to be a fan of the Twilight books to appreciate The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. If you aren't a 'Twi-Hard' I very much do not recommend Breaking Dawn which, when looked at objectively, is a shockingly bad movie. We begin with the wedding of Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Bella (Kristen Stewart). It's a lovely outdoor gathering that is beautifully shot and entirely forgettable. Weddings in movies tend to come at the end of the movie, it's incongruous to have a wedding at the start of the film and thus Breaking Dawn gets off on a strange footing.

From the wedding we are whisked briefly to Brazil and then off to the Cullen's heretofore unmentioned private island; just how rich are these vamps? Here is where we arrive at what was supposed to be a spectacular love scene; Twi-hards' have been buzzing about it since  Breaking Dawn hit bookshelves. As with most hype, reality cannot compete with the build-up. Edward and Bella destroy their marital bed with their passion but the naughtiest bits are off-limits because of the need for the PG-13 rating. What we get instead is the erotic power of a vampire love scene rendered as an adult contemporary music video.

The trailer has told you that Bella gets knocked up, though it's not on the first try. Director Bill Condon makes us wait through an interminable 15 to 20 minutes of Edward resisting his wife's sexual advances because their first encounter left her bruised and he doesn't want to hurt her. Here we have the erotic power of the vampire rendered moot while we watch two attractive young people play chess and engage in one of the least interesting bits of foreplay in movie history. When Edward finally does give in, that's when Bella gets knocked up and the story of Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 really is supposed to kick in.

No one, not Edward's ancient vampire dad, Carlisle (Peter Fascinelli), not random intuitive Brazilian women, or even caring pug nosed werewolf boys, knows whether a human can safely carry a vampire baby or, if she does carry the baby, can she survive the birth? Meanwhile, the werewolves decide, somewhat randomly, that a vampire baby is a violation of their peace treaty with the Cullen's and transform into their enemy. After having helped the Cullen's in previous movies and after beginning Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 wishing to maintain the peace, you can color me confused as to why the wolves suddenly found themselves itching for a fight.

I have a tendency to apply logic where it's not welcome and with that in mind here's a question: If the Cullen's can afford to buy an island off the coast of Brazil then why not just fly in their medical equipment to said island instead of bringing Bella back to Forks and risking the wrath of the werewolves? (It's a rhetorical question Twi-hards and if the answer is in the book, I don't care, it's not in the movie.) Fans of the book, I'm sure, can fill in the blanks. I however, am a film critic and from my perspective the random changes in motivations that these characters portray is sloppy and ill-conceived; it was as if the werewolves were drawn at random to be the bad guys in Breaking Dawn Pt. 1.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 is, in all honesty, for someone who hasn't read the books, a Razzie-worthy effort in which scene after scene tumbles on to the screen with a self-serious thud. The characters are humorless which, when combined with high camp scenes of Edward and Bella's romantic chess playing and a werewolf town-hall meeting in which ungodly goofy looking CGI wolves telepathically yell at each other, makes for cringe-worthy unintentional comedy.

Stay after the credits for the biggest unintentional laugh however, as one of the best actors working today delivers one of the worst line readings of the year. It's a line read so horrible that this moment alone should have an award waiting at the Razzies. (Sorry Michael Sheen.) If you are a fan of Twilight then nothing I can say about the film is going to matter to you. I am not trashing your favorite books; I've never read them. I can only critique the movie and objectively The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 is a lovely looking bad movie.

Movie Review: The Twilight Saga Eclipse

The Twilight Saga Eclipse (2010) 

Directed by David Slade 

Written by Melissa Rosenberg

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Bryce Dallas Howard, Elizabeth Reaser

Release Date June 30th, 2010 

Published June 29th, 2010

The Twilight movies are about sex. Sex is why the Cullen family, and indeed all Vampires are so damned Gap model attractive. Sex is why Taylor Lautner’s Jacob, and the rest of his Wolf pack are shirtless for most of the movie. The denial of sex from Edward to Bella, from Bella to Jacob, is the driving force of the plot of the latest Twilight chapter “Eclipse” and it makes for one exceptionally irritating tease. Not to mention one truly irresponsible and outdated morality play.

As we rejoin the “Twilight Saga,” a young man in Seattle is being menaced in the rain. He is soon bitten and will become a Vampire, the first in an army of newborn Vamps under the control of the evil redhead Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard). She is building an army to attack the Cullen Clan and especially Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), the love of Victoria's mortal enemy Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson).

Bella and Edward, reunited after Edward tried to runaway in “New Moon,” are now in the full blossom of love, as demonstrated by the two of them reading poetry in a flowery meadow together. How else would you know they were in love? Bella is still pestering Edward about becoming a Vampire while Edward talks of marriage.

Meanwhile, Bella has drama with her pal Jacob, yet another of Edward's sworn enemies, who happens to also be in love with Bella. Bella has feelings for Jacob and this love triangle is supposed to be a source of deathly, primal, tension that smolders off of the screen but as written and played it comes off much more like two boys fighting over a favored toy.

Bella and Jacob haven't spoken in the months since she chose Edward over him but, when Victoria returns to their tiny corner of Washington State, Jacob wants to know that Bella is protected and that he and his wolf pack are ready to do the protecting if Edward and his vampires can't do it. Victoria’s army leads to a truce between the Cullen clan and the Wolf pack and some newborn vampire heads get crushed in the film’s best sequence.

The battle scenes staged by director David Slade have a crisp, professional look that was desperately lacking in the first two Twilight movies. Slade's experience on the vampire flick “30 Days of Night” definitely pays off here even as he is restrained by a bloodless PG-13 rating. Did you know that Vampires are made of marble? I’m not kidding, freaking marble, like tabletops. Goofy as that sounds, the visual of marble crushed by Vampire fist and Werewolf teeth is pretty cool.

As an action movie, this is certainly the best of the Twilight brand of action. But, “Twilight” is not about Vampires and Werewolves punching and biting one another in some CGI universe. No, “Twilight” is about sex, more to the point, it's about spreading a fear and loathing of sex. Stephanie Meyer has crafted a morality play in which Vampirism and the Werewolf version of eternal love, known as ‘Imprinting,’ are merely poorly veiled metaphors for sex. The pain of turning into a Vampire, the fear of Edward’s uncontrollable ‘blood’ lust and Jacob’s animal sexuality are Meyer’s way of making sex dangerous and foreboding.

In the “Twilight” series sex is threatening, mystical and frightening unless you are married. It’s the Purity Ring of movie franchises, clinging desperately to an outdated idea of chastity as the only way to live. Teens are sexually active and the more society attempts to frighten them away from sexuality the more dangerous teen experimentation becomes. Instead of teaching teens the joy of safe, responsible sex, “Twilight” preaches abstinence through fear and encourages ignorance in the form of outdated moralism.

If you must send this chastity/abstinence/purity message then at least do it better than this. In The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, the message is delivered with Ms. Meyer and screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg employing undercooked analogies, juvenile romantic fantasy, and groan inducing monologue that run page after page apparently communicating what the writers felt could not be communicated by the cast through that talent known as acting.

Like the first and second film in the saga, “Eclipse” is for fans only. Those who love the books are blind to the immature romance, the stolid monologues, and the attempt to push an abstinence message in the guise of a Vampire movie. I’m sure if Twi-hards would pull their eyes away from Edward’s gleaming skin or Jacob’s rippling abs they would see this series for what it is; but trust me that is never going to happen.

Movie Review: The Twilight Saga New Moon

The Twilight Saga New Moon (2009) 

Directed by Chris Weitz 

Written by Melissa Rosenberg

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Billy Burke, Kellen Lutz, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning, Anna Kendrick, Peter Facinelli 

Release Date November 20th, 2009 

Published November 19th, 2009

I am not a member of the cult of Stephanie Meyers. I have only skimmed her series of teen Vampire novels and I found what I did read to be insipid. Her faux- teen angst combined with proto-Shakespearean catchphrases barely serve to cover her puddle deep metaphors for chastity and purity. Sure, she's got Vampires and Werewolves but each is about as dangerous in Ms. Meyers' universe as feral cats. Never mind her complete disregard for decade’s worth of established Vampire lore. 

The movie made from her first book, Twilight, was made tolerable only through the earnest efforts of the talented lead actors Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Though they seemed as uncomfortable with Ms. Meyers goofball pseudo-romance as I was, they sold it like champs. Too bad they had to come back for a sequel.

When last we left preternaturally bummed out Vampire Edward and his beloved Bella they were sharing a moment at the Forks High School Prom. Since then Bella has been suffering nightmares that she believes can only be cured by becoming a Vampire herself. Edward declines, he likes her better not dead.

Things come to a head on Bella's 18th birthday when she cuts herself and is nearly devoured by Edward's family. Feeling guilty that he cannot protect Bella, Edward calls the whole thing off and disappears. A devastated, Bella then falls into the arms of her pal Jakob (Taylor Lautner). Too bad for Bella that Jakob too has a deep, dark, supernatural secret, he's a werewolf who kills Vampires. Ooooh, feel that tension rise?

I am supposed to believe there is tension there, I think. To tell the truth, New Moon, as crafted by directed by Chris Weitz, is such a shambles of mixed motivations, missing scenes and bizarrely edited dream sequences, it's a wonder I managed to feel anything but blind confusion. New Moon is not for the uninitiated. If you have not read the books and even if you have seen the first film, you will likely be at a loss to follow New Moon's many preposterous plot turns. Thankfully, I watched New Moon with a fan or I would have given up after the opening dream sequence or the second ghost Edward. Don't ask.

Fans of the books, I am told, will be exceptionally satisfied with New Moon. The fan I watched it with was in tears at one point from the giddy thrill of seeing her favorite scenes rendered before her eyes. She was also forced to explain things to the rest of us so often that she likely missed a few scenes. It didn't matter to her, the book lives in her brain.

Whither Mr. Pattinson and Ms. Stewart. The yeoman effort that carried them through Twilight is missing almost entirely in New Moon. Mr. Pattinson spits every piece lame dialogue through his clenched, sculpted jaw while Ms. Stewart plays with her hair and cries as her way of fighting through the morass of Stephanie Meyers' puddle deep metaphors and Bard-light dialogue. We get it Stephanie Meyers, Vampire bite equals sex. Sex before marriage means damnation. Blah, blah, blah. I have seen sixth grade school plays with more complex use of metaphor. Insipid representations aside, New Moon is a chore even without the dull witted moralizing.

The Twilight Saga New Moon is a new kind of modern blockbuster, a self reflexive movie meant only to appeal to people guaranteed to love it unconditionally. Fan, as we often must remind ourselves, is short for fanatic, and only a fanatic could so willingly overlook the glaring flaws of writer Stephanie Meyers and the movie made of her book New Moon.

Movie Review: Twilight

Twilight (2008) 

Directed by Catherine Hardwicke 

Written by Melissa Rosenberg 

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Anna Kendrick, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli

Release Date November 21st, 2008 

Published November 20th, 2008

I must first admit my ignorance of the Twilight phenomena. Not spending much time chatting with members of the tween set, having no teenage daughters, I was blissfully unaware of writer Stephanie Meyers anguished teen vampire romance series. Now that the series and movie have become inescapable the culture vulture in me has absorbed as much as I can about the series without resorting to actually reading the weighty tomes themselves. Does the overall ignorance of the book prevent me from offering fair insight of the movie? Hardly.

Freed of the need to refer back to the efficacy of book to movie I am able to judge the movie for what it is without the weight of the literary literalism that will, no doubt, arise within those who find Stephanie Meyers words sacred. Twilight is a loosely Shakespearean romance that lifts, as does much modern romance, from the Bard's Romeo and Juliet, a tale of tragic, agonized love. Edward Cullen is a shy, pasty faced young man with no friends in school. He hovers close to four equally pallid brothers and sisters and rejects the world around him.

Bella Swan is similar in ghostly appearance to Edward. Her pale whiteness an oddity as her character comes from the sun drenched deserts of Arizona. Nevertheless, Bella and Edward could bond over the necessity for sunscreen but they don't. Bella is also similarly afflicted with the need to avoid social interaction. Though she is adopted by a social group of boys and girls in her new school in Forks Washington, where this story plays out, Bella is never comfortable. Her elusive manner and general social discomfort are yet another bonding opportunity for she and Edward.

And bond they do. After nearly 2 acts worth of scenes of doubt and confusion, Edward and Bella admit they are destined to be together. Therein comes the major complication. Aware to us from the start, Bella is thusly introduced to Edward's deepest secret; he is a vampire. Moreover, her blood has a particular scent that drives him near frenzy. He fears that he cannot control the instinct to devour her but he cannot stay away from her either. For her part Bella is infatuated with Edward's stunning edifice. The kid is great looking. Add that face to his tortured poet manner and he is irresistible.

Now, if you can't follow the glaring metaphors, shining nearly as bright as Edward's diamond dust skin in the bright sunlight (I'll explain later), you really should pay closer attention. Meyers and now screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg, have crafted an allegory about sex, teens, hormones, abstinence and marriage. Lust, temptation and resistance are Twilight's true subjects. Vampires are merely the construct, an enticement to read more about the strength it takes to love but not make love. If Bella and Edward are anything more than lusty teens longing for a backseat or basement couch I'll eat my hat.

The dangers of the vampire are merely a representation of all that could go wrong should the teens indulge their urges. Edward could infect or even kill Bella if he allowed things to go to far. Indeed, Edward carries the burden of much of the metaphor, his being the dangerous condition. Bella is merely tempting and tempted.

The metonymy is fairly simpleminded and once you have sussed it out and discarded it as obvious; you are left with director Catherine Hardwicke and her exceptionally mediocre effort to give it cinematic life. Twilight the movie, beyond the metaphor, is a flabby, shabby effort of a mind numbing length and amateur special effects. Then there is absolute disregard for all that we know of vampires. Edward and his family walk in daylight. No burning skin, no running for cover, not even a passing reference to the need for sunscreen. Now, the Cullen clan does have issues with the sun but it's not a fiery death they fear.

Click here for my review