Movie Review: Untraceable

Untraceable (2008)

Directed by Gregory Hoblit

Written by Allison Burnett

Starring Diane Lane, Colin Hanks, Billy Burke, Jesse Tyler Ferguson

Release Date January 25th, 2008

Published January 25th, 2008

In Altman's brilliant The Player you hear his many Hollywood players describe possible projects thusly "It's Terminator crossed with Lassie" or "It's Roots crossed with Rambo" or other such horrors. This is based on real Hollywood parlance and patois. Producers and studio execs actually like using this sort of shorthand as a way of describing a project without having to read a whole script or listen to some creative type prattle on about motivations and subtext and the like. This practice is exactly how we end up with movies like Untraceable. No doubt, in some producers office some exec said something like "It's Hostel crossed with Network and Seven".

Untraceable indeed carries elements of each, not much on the Network portion; though the allusion is there. And, while I know some of you are reading this thinking that combo sounds really interesting you are missing the point. That is all Untraceable is. Some idea of a movie that producers can describe but fail to create. Ideas lifted from other movies and grafted onto the Frankenstein's monster that is Untraceable.

Diane Lane stars as FBI Agent Jennifer Marsh, the bureau's top expert in cyber crimes. With her partner Griffin (Colin Hanks), Jennifer tracks down perverts and identity thieves with a few quick key strokes and a call to the local cops to pick up the bad guy. Her latest case however is something entirely different. At first KillWithMe.com seems like some twisted prank. A kid captures a kitten and allows visitors to the site to dictate the cats fate. The site warns, the more visitors to the site the quicker the cat will die. After several thousand visitors the cat does indeed meet an ugly fate.

Soon the web murderer escalates to humans and Jennifer herself is on the killers list of potential victims.

It's nice to comfort ourselves with the idea that we would never go to a website where our page views are the instrument of murder. But, ask yourself this, have you been to one of those websites where you can bet on when Britney Spears is going to die? That website is out there and it takes a little bit of our collective humanity every time one of our fellow citizens casts another morbid ballot. I can't necessarily say that a website run by serial killer is the same as the macabre sickos who wait for a celebrities death with such fascination. Ask yourself though, if you could watch a celebrity die on a website, would you watch?

Our culture is becoming a pretty sick place and in that sense Untraceable seems to be pretty on point. Unfortunately, the movie cannot live up to the ideas behind it. The film unfolds in typically thriller-ish fashion. The killer, what luck, happens to live in the same town as our heroic FBI team. He kills, he taunts the authorities, he kills again and all that changes is the method of death and the quickness of the mass murder. To separate it only slightly from other mainstream thrillers, director Gregory Hoblit lingers on the torturous murder scenes as if he were paying tribute to Eli Roth and his Hostel movies. Hoblit doesn't seem to get off on the torture the way Roth does but the homage is there.

Hoblit wants to ape the popularity of torture porn without committing to it completely. In some ways that is even scummier than what Roth does. There is much that is scummy about Untraceable. What keeps the film from becoming truly disgusting is star Diane Lane who gives an air of class to the proceedings. Hoblit can't compromise his stars innate strengths and Lane elevates her every scene even as she is saddled with the nerdy void of Colin Hanks and lumpy love interest Billy Burke as the aptly named detective Eric Box, he's as charismatic as cardboard, Box is a perfect name.

Without Diane Lane we are looking at a movie quite similar to Freedomland, one of the all time bad mainstream thrillers. A more apt comparison may be to anything Ashley Judd made where she stars as either victim or cop. Credit Diane Lane, most stars are victims of movies such as Untraceable. She manages to elevate the movie with her star presence. That says something for her talent as Untraceable would have left most other actresses unemployable.

Movie Review: The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Pt 1

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn (2011) 

Directed by Bill Condon

Written by Melissa Rosenberg

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Ashley Greene, Kellen Lutz

Release Date November 18th, 2011 

Published November 17th, 2011 

You have to be a fan of the Twilight books to appreciate The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. If you aren't a 'Twi-Hard' I very much do not recommend Breaking Dawn which, when looked at objectively, is a shockingly bad movie. We begin with the wedding of Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Bella (Kristen Stewart). It's a lovely outdoor gathering that is beautifully shot and entirely forgettable. Weddings in movies tend to come at the end of the movie, it's incongruous to have a wedding at the start of the film and thus Breaking Dawn gets off on a strange footing.

From the wedding we are whisked briefly to Brazil and then off to the Cullen's heretofore unmentioned private island; just how rich are these vamps? Here is where we arrive at what was supposed to be a spectacular love scene; Twi-hards' have been buzzing about it since  Breaking Dawn hit bookshelves. As with most hype, reality cannot compete with the build-up. Edward and Bella destroy their marital bed with their passion but the naughtiest bits are off-limits because of the need for the PG-13 rating. What we get instead is the erotic power of a vampire love scene rendered as an adult contemporary music video.

The trailer has told you that Bella gets knocked up, though it's not on the first try. Director Bill Condon makes us wait through an interminable 15 to 20 minutes of Edward resisting his wife's sexual advances because their first encounter left her bruised and he doesn't want to hurt her. Here we have the erotic power of the vampire rendered moot while we watch two attractive young people play chess and engage in one of the least interesting bits of foreplay in movie history. When Edward finally does give in, that's when Bella gets knocked up and the story of Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 really is supposed to kick in.

No one, not Edward's ancient vampire dad, Carlisle (Peter Fascinelli), not random intuitive Brazilian women, or even caring pug nosed werewolf boys, knows whether a human can safely carry a vampire baby or, if she does carry the baby, can she survive the birth? Meanwhile, the werewolves decide, somewhat randomly, that a vampire baby is a violation of their peace treaty with the Cullen's and transform into their enemy. After having helped the Cullen's in previous movies and after beginning Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 wishing to maintain the peace, you can color me confused as to why the wolves suddenly found themselves itching for a fight.

I have a tendency to apply logic where it's not welcome and with that in mind here's a question: If the Cullen's can afford to buy an island off the coast of Brazil then why not just fly in their medical equipment to said island instead of bringing Bella back to Forks and risking the wrath of the werewolves? (It's a rhetorical question Twi-hards and if the answer is in the book, I don't care, it's not in the movie.) Fans of the book, I'm sure, can fill in the blanks. I however, am a film critic and from my perspective the random changes in motivations that these characters portray is sloppy and ill-conceived; it was as if the werewolves were drawn at random to be the bad guys in Breaking Dawn Pt. 1.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 is, in all honesty, for someone who hasn't read the books, a Razzie-worthy effort in which scene after scene tumbles on to the screen with a self-serious thud. The characters are humorless which, when combined with high camp scenes of Edward and Bella's romantic chess playing and a werewolf town-hall meeting in which ungodly goofy looking CGI wolves telepathically yell at each other, makes for cringe-worthy unintentional comedy.

Stay after the credits for the biggest unintentional laugh however, as one of the best actors working today delivers one of the worst line readings of the year. It's a line read so horrible that this moment alone should have an award waiting at the Razzies. (Sorry Michael Sheen.) If you are a fan of Twilight then nothing I can say about the film is going to matter to you. I am not trashing your favorite books; I've never read them. I can only critique the movie and objectively The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 is a lovely looking bad movie.

Movie Review: The Twilight Saga New Moon

The Twilight Saga New Moon (2009) 

Directed by Chris Weitz 

Written by Melissa Rosenberg

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Billy Burke, Kellen Lutz, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning, Anna Kendrick, Peter Facinelli 

Release Date November 20th, 2009 

Published November 19th, 2009

I am not a member of the cult of Stephanie Meyers. I have only skimmed her series of teen Vampire novels and I found what I did read to be insipid. Her faux- teen angst combined with proto-Shakespearean catchphrases barely serve to cover her puddle deep metaphors for chastity and purity. Sure, she's got Vampires and Werewolves but each is about as dangerous in Ms. Meyers' universe as feral cats. Never mind her complete disregard for decade’s worth of established Vampire lore. 

The movie made from her first book, Twilight, was made tolerable only through the earnest efforts of the talented lead actors Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Though they seemed as uncomfortable with Ms. Meyers goofball pseudo-romance as I was, they sold it like champs. Too bad they had to come back for a sequel.

When last we left preternaturally bummed out Vampire Edward and his beloved Bella they were sharing a moment at the Forks High School Prom. Since then Bella has been suffering nightmares that she believes can only be cured by becoming a Vampire herself. Edward declines, he likes her better not dead.

Things come to a head on Bella's 18th birthday when she cuts herself and is nearly devoured by Edward's family. Feeling guilty that he cannot protect Bella, Edward calls the whole thing off and disappears. A devastated, Bella then falls into the arms of her pal Jakob (Taylor Lautner). Too bad for Bella that Jakob too has a deep, dark, supernatural secret, he's a werewolf who kills Vampires. Ooooh, feel that tension rise?

I am supposed to believe there is tension there, I think. To tell the truth, New Moon, as crafted by directed by Chris Weitz, is such a shambles of mixed motivations, missing scenes and bizarrely edited dream sequences, it's a wonder I managed to feel anything but blind confusion. New Moon is not for the uninitiated. If you have not read the books and even if you have seen the first film, you will likely be at a loss to follow New Moon's many preposterous plot turns. Thankfully, I watched New Moon with a fan or I would have given up after the opening dream sequence or the second ghost Edward. Don't ask.

Fans of the books, I am told, will be exceptionally satisfied with New Moon. The fan I watched it with was in tears at one point from the giddy thrill of seeing her favorite scenes rendered before her eyes. She was also forced to explain things to the rest of us so often that she likely missed a few scenes. It didn't matter to her, the book lives in her brain.

Whither Mr. Pattinson and Ms. Stewart. The yeoman effort that carried them through Twilight is missing almost entirely in New Moon. Mr. Pattinson spits every piece lame dialogue through his clenched, sculpted jaw while Ms. Stewart plays with her hair and cries as her way of fighting through the morass of Stephanie Meyers' puddle deep metaphors and Bard-light dialogue. We get it Stephanie Meyers, Vampire bite equals sex. Sex before marriage means damnation. Blah, blah, blah. I have seen sixth grade school plays with more complex use of metaphor. Insipid representations aside, New Moon is a chore even without the dull witted moralizing.

The Twilight Saga New Moon is a new kind of modern blockbuster, a self reflexive movie meant only to appeal to people guaranteed to love it unconditionally. Fan, as we often must remind ourselves, is short for fanatic, and only a fanatic could so willingly overlook the glaring flaws of writer Stephanie Meyers and the movie made of her book New Moon.

Movie Review: Twilight

Twilight (2008) 

Directed by Catherine Hardwicke 

Written by Melissa Rosenberg 

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Anna Kendrick, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli

Release Date November 21st, 2008 

Published November 20th, 2008

I must first admit my ignorance of the Twilight phenomena. Not spending much time chatting with members of the tween set, having no teenage daughters, I was blissfully unaware of writer Stephanie Meyers anguished teen vampire romance series. Now that the series and movie have become inescapable the culture vulture in me has absorbed as much as I can about the series without resorting to actually reading the weighty tomes themselves. Does the overall ignorance of the book prevent me from offering fair insight of the movie? Hardly.

Freed of the need to refer back to the efficacy of book to movie I am able to judge the movie for what it is without the weight of the literary literalism that will, no doubt, arise within those who find Stephanie Meyers words sacred. Twilight is a loosely Shakespearean romance that lifts, as does much modern romance, from the Bard's Romeo and Juliet, a tale of tragic, agonized love. Edward Cullen is a shy, pasty faced young man with no friends in school. He hovers close to four equally pallid brothers and sisters and rejects the world around him.

Bella Swan is similar in ghostly appearance to Edward. Her pale whiteness an oddity as her character comes from the sun drenched deserts of Arizona. Nevertheless, Bella and Edward could bond over the necessity for sunscreen but they don't. Bella is also similarly afflicted with the need to avoid social interaction. Though she is adopted by a social group of boys and girls in her new school in Forks Washington, where this story plays out, Bella is never comfortable. Her elusive manner and general social discomfort are yet another bonding opportunity for she and Edward.

And bond they do. After nearly 2 acts worth of scenes of doubt and confusion, Edward and Bella admit they are destined to be together. Therein comes the major complication. Aware to us from the start, Bella is thusly introduced to Edward's deepest secret; he is a vampire. Moreover, her blood has a particular scent that drives him near frenzy. He fears that he cannot control the instinct to devour her but he cannot stay away from her either. For her part Bella is infatuated with Edward's stunning edifice. The kid is great looking. Add that face to his tortured poet manner and he is irresistible.

Now, if you can't follow the glaring metaphors, shining nearly as bright as Edward's diamond dust skin in the bright sunlight (I'll explain later), you really should pay closer attention. Meyers and now screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg, have crafted an allegory about sex, teens, hormones, abstinence and marriage. Lust, temptation and resistance are Twilight's true subjects. Vampires are merely the construct, an enticement to read more about the strength it takes to love but not make love. If Bella and Edward are anything more than lusty teens longing for a backseat or basement couch I'll eat my hat.

The dangers of the vampire are merely a representation of all that could go wrong should the teens indulge their urges. Edward could infect or even kill Bella if he allowed things to go to far. Indeed, Edward carries the burden of much of the metaphor, his being the dangerous condition. Bella is merely tempting and tempted.

The metonymy is fairly simpleminded and once you have sussed it out and discarded it as obvious; you are left with director Catherine Hardwicke and her exceptionally mediocre effort to give it cinematic life. Twilight the movie, beyond the metaphor, is a flabby, shabby effort of a mind numbing length and amateur special effects. Then there is absolute disregard for all that we know of vampires. Edward and his family walk in daylight. No burning skin, no running for cover, not even a passing reference to the need for sunscreen. Now, the Cullen clan does have issues with the sun but it's not a fiery death they fear.

Click here for my review

Movie Review: Drive Angry 3D

Drive Angry 3D (2011) 

Directed by Patrick Lussier

Written by Todd Farmer, Patrick Lussier

Starring Nicolas Cage, Amber Heard, William Fichtner, Billy Burke, Tom Atkins, Charlotte Ross

Release Date February 25th, 2011 

Published February 25th, 2011 

Didn't Nicolas Cage already play a guy who escaped from hell? What movie was that? Didn't “Con Air” guy escape from hell? What about that “Bangkok Dangerous” hitman character? “Ghost Rider?” I don't remember or really care. Nicolas Cage is the only actor on the planet who could so nonchalantly play a guy who escaped from hell and leave you wondering if he's done it before.

”Drive Angry 3D” stars Nicolas Cage as John Milton and if you get the reference in the name you are not likely the target audience for this movie; an almost delicious bit of irony. Milton, as he prefers to be called, John is just too ordinary, is hunting for a cult leader (Billy Burke) who murdered his daughter and has taken Milton's baby granddaughter hostage with the intent on sacrificing her in order to literally raise hell to earth.

How intent is Milton to save his granddaughter? Well, he literally escaped from hell and to top that off, he stole Satan's very own God Killer shotgun. After torching his own muscle car in order to kill some bad guys, Milton needs a ride. Enter Piper (Amber Heard) who has a 69 Charger and enough bad attitude to match Milton bad guy for bad guy.

Together Milton and Piper set on the cult leader's trail all the while being tracked themselves by a cryptic man in a suit who calls himself 'The Accountant' (William Fichtner). We learn that 'The Accountant' works for the Dark Lord Satan but whether he is out to help or hinder Milton's quest is debatable until the end.

”Drive Angry 3D” is directed with great energy by Patrick Lussier who brought a similar edgy, low brow, ugliness and grit to his remake of “My Bloody Valentine.” Unfortunately, that film was a million times more inventive than anything in “Drive Angry 3D” which plays like a series of car chases broken up by Nicolas Cage grunting and standing slump shouldered, lost in thoughts none of us could even imagine. Don't get me wrong, there is a heavy amount of kitsch to be mined from Cage in “Drive Angry 3D” but not the so bad its good kind.

Cage brings zero humor to the role of Milton and co-star Amanda Heard is similarly far too earnest for this material. “Drive Angry 3D” cries out for the kind of over the top Nicolas Cage that drove his “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans” to heights of manic, lunatic, craziness. Instead, a subdued Cage in “Drive Angry 3D” cannot make even a scene of fully clothed love making while shooting bad guys work as a comic set piece.

There is a good deal of effort on display in “Drive Angry 3D,” especially from Director Patrick Lussier who deserved better from his star. “Drive Angry 3D” has the elements in place for some seriously B-Movie fun but Cage refuses to have any fun and the movie sinks under the weight of his seriousness.

Movie Review Red Riding Hood

Red Riding Hood (2011)

Directed by Catherine Hardwicke 

Written by David Leslie Johnson 

Starring Amanda Seyfried, Max Irons, Gary Oldman, Billy Burke, Julie Christie 

Release Date March 11th, 2011 

Published March 10th, 2011 

Amanda Seyfried has yet to find the right movie for her particular talents. Seyfried mixes girl next door good looks, those amazing flying saucer-esque eyes, and inviting sensuality into one precocious package. She would be a dream come true in a Bertolucci movie or as captured by Antonioni's loving lens. Sadly, being a young American actress means offering her services for schlock such as "Dear John," ``Letters to Juliet," and her latest "Red Riding Hood."

Amanda Seyfried stars in "Red Riding Hood" as Valerie, the virginal daughter of a wood cutter (Billy Burke, Bella's dad from Twilight) who is promised in marriage by her mother, Suzette (Virginia Madsen) to Henry (Max Irons) the son of a wealthy family friend.

Valerie however, is in love with Peter (Shiloh Fernandez) and intends to run away with him. Their plans are thwarted sadly when Valerie's sister is murdered by a werewolf. Now, Father Solomon (Gary Oldman) is coming to the village to hunt the wolf and a dark secret Valerie did not know she carried will place her in the wolf's path.

"Red Riding Hood" was directed by Catherine Hardwicke, a talented director who has faltered under the weight of big budgets and special effects. Hardwicke is exceptionally talented in crafting warm and intimate scenes, as she demonstrated in her wonderful coming of age film "Thirteen" and in the quiet moments of her hit "Twilight."

Unfortunately, special effects simply are not Catherine Hardwicke's forte. The CGI in "Red Riding Hood," used to render the wolf and portions of the mid-centuries village, is amateurish in comparison to other CGI heavy films including such stinkers as "The Wolfman" and "Underworld: Evolution."

The Gothic air that Hardwicke attempts to bring to "Red Riding Hood" comes off campy rather than mysterious or forbidding. Attempts to mix period cliches with modern pop culture savvy feel forced and trite. What works is when Hardwicke focuses on smaller, intimate moments that take advantage of star Amanda Seyfried's innate eroticism.

The climax of "Red Riding Hood" is laughable as the filmmakers settle the allegedly mysterious identity of the werewolf by choosing a character at random. So indiscriminate is the choice of the identity of the werewolf that it is fair to wonder if the filmmakers knew the choice before they filmed it.

"Red Riding Hood" is a mess of feeble CGI and market tested pop culture. Though star Amanda Seyfried still manages to be radiant and alluring, the film is all Gothic bluster and teen targeted kitsch. Fans of Ms. Seyfried would be better served waiting for her next film, teaming with visionary director Andrew Niccol called "Now." That film hits theaters ..October 11th 2011.