Classic Movie Review Time Bandits

Time Bandits (1993)

Directed by Terry Gilliam

Written by Terry Gilliam, Michael Palin 

Starring John Cleese, Sean Connery, Shelley Duvall, Ian Holm, Craig Warnock 

Release Date July 2nd, 1981 

Published November 28th, 2023 

A young boy is lying in bed, fighting off sleep, but seemingly losing the fight. All of a sudden, a horse with a man in armor bursts out of his cupboard and leaps over his bed before riding off into the distance of his bedroom wall which has somehow become an ancient meadow. You naturally might assume that this is a dream sequence, a short nightmare perhaps. But director Terry Gilliam is toying with you. He has the parents come to the child's room immediately following the nightmare and, though the boy's room is suddenly back in order, the parents claimed he was making quite a lot of noise. They tell him to knock it off and go to bed. 

The following day, our hero, Kevin (Craig Warnock) is desperately eager to get back to bed. He's ready with a flashlight and a polaroid camera at hand in case the armored horseman returns. The Knight does not return but Kevin's bedroom is once again magically transformed. This time, a group of 6 little people carrying a magical map invade Kevin's bedroom and begin to wreak havoc. These six men are on the run from a God-like entity from whom, they have stolen a magical map of time. The map allows them to travel to places throughout world history where they can steal all the treasure they want. 

Naturally, Kevin gets caught up in the time travel chicanery as the bandits take him with them on their journey. The first stop is Italy where they land in the midst of the battle of Castiglione. Then it's off to meet Napoleon in France where they manage to get into Napoleon's inner circle simply because they are the only people Napoleon is taller than. Ian Holm plays Napoleon as a height obsessed goof whose idiocy leads to his new friends stealing his entire treasury. The bandits make a narrow escape with their stolen goods and land somewhere in England in the time of Robin Hood. 

Robin Hood is played by some a****** TERF who I will not name and he assumes that the Bandits treasure is their contribution to his cause, stealing from the rich to give to the poor. This sequence introduces a running gag involving Michael Palin and Shelley Duvall as the most unlucky reincarnated couple in human history. In Robin Hood's era they are robbed multiple times and left to die tied to a tree in their underwear. When we see them again, they are also on the brink of death on a historically doomed voyage. 

The most notable stop on their journey is Mycenaean Greece where King Agamemnon (Sean Connery) is found fighting a minotaur. Kevin is somehow alone, his bandit friends having been dropped somewhere else. With no other option, Kevin accompanies the King back to his palace where he is seemingly adopted by the King and really takes to the idea of staying in Greece and becoming royalty. That is until the bandits do arrive and steal Kevin away via there magical map for another strange and unexpected adventure. 

Click here for my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review The Hand

The Hand (1981)

Directed by Oliver Stone

Written by Oliver Stone

Starring Michael Caine, Bruce McGill

Release Date April 24th, 1981 

Published August 2nd, 2023 

The Hand is a truly bizarre idea. Writer-Director Oliver Stone, directing only his second feature, sets out to have us be genuinely afraid that a severed hand might be killing people. Forgetting the fact that watching people wrestle with a severed hand that they are holding to their throat is a very, very funny visual, Stone is deathly serious in how he presents The Hand. Eschewing the 60s B-Movie, Drive-In aesthetic more suited to this idea, Stone seems to think that he can convince us that a severed hand is a frightening monster on par with the greats of MGM's murderer's row. 

Stone is undermined in his effort by his choice of star. Michael Caine may be an all time beloved actor but when he's in a bad movie, he gets into the bad vibe. Caine has famously said of The Hand that the film helped put a new garage on his home. That about sums up Caine's level of commitment to this silly, silly movie that only the writer-director seems to think is genuinely scary. Caine hams it up in the role of cartoonist, Jon Lansdale. 

The contempt with which Caine discusses his character's profession is unintentionally hilarious. The idea is that he's become wildly successful and famous for writing a manly superhero character. But when Caine tries to defend the integrity of his creation, his art, he sounds as if he were mocking the very concept of comic strips all together. There is simply nothing about the actor Michael Caine that screams comic strip auteur. It's easy to sense that Caine simply doesn't care about this back story, it's what he's been asked to deliver and he's doing it. 

The plot of The Hand centers on an accident in which our cartoonist protagonist loses his hand. The hand is cut clean off and then simply vanishes from the field where it most certainly had landed. The hand then begins a reign of terror that begins with menacing the family cat and graduates to a legit body count. The question hovering over all of the action of The Hand however is: Is the hand killing people or is it all in Jon Lansdale's mind? 

Find my full length review at Horror.Media 

Classic Movie Review Raiders of the Lost Ark

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) 

Directed by Steven Spielberg 

Written by Lawrence Kasden 

Starring Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, John Rhys Davies, Denholm Elliott 

Release Date July 12th 1981 

Published July 2nd 1981 

It's the spirit of Indiana Jones that gets me every time I watch Raiders of the Lost Ark. The sense of wonder and excitement that Steven Spielberg brings to his direction, the choices he makes in staging acting, and the way he and Harrison Ford clearly know the vibe they are going for, it's glorious to watch. I may not have grown up on the kind of serialized adventures that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg did, but watching Raiders of the Lost Ark, I feel like I was there with them, when they were little boys, delighting in adventures that they would watch over and over again at the movie theaters of their youth. 

It's a spirit of adventure as much as it is an actual adventure that you enjoy when you watch Raiders of the Lost Ark. It's old school movie magic, a sense of wonder that permeates the screen. In trying to recreate their youth, Spielberg and Lucas invited us along, welcomed us like fellow kids into their exuberant childhood obsessions, they invited us to play with them. It's invitation to be a little kid again and watch as a charismatic hero takes center stage to perform daring stunts because it needs to be done, it' the right and just thing. 

The simple pleasures of Raiders of the Lost Ark are amplified but the wonderful intention of Raiders of the Lost Ark. It's intended to thrill you in a way that Spielberg and Lucas understand the thrill of their own childhoods. It's the purest expression of childlike wonder and nostalgia, rendered fresh and new via remarkable artistry, effects, and a movie star that feels perfectly at home amid the wonder and excitement. Harrison Ford is different from Spielberg and Lucas in a way that carries the spirit of Indiana Jones but also stands aside from it. 

Where Spielberg and Lucas are in earnest admiration of this kind of adventure, Ford's performance doesn't hold the same kind of preciousness. He's living the adventure, he's living Indiana Jones as if the character existed wholly within a real world. This is an essential part of his appeal. Had he attempted to deliver the same kind of enthusiasm and wonder that Lucas and Spielberg were bringing to the creation of Raiders of the Lost Ark, the whole thing could tip into a childish parody. Ford is very much the adult in the room, grounding the action from the perspective of someone taking all of this very seriously. 

That's because, for Indiana Jones, this is all very serious For him, it's an adventure but it is a genuinely life or death adventure. For him, there must be a sense of gravity, a sense of weight, he's providing the stakes of this story. He doesn't have time to indulge in the wonder or step back and think about being in the midst of an incredible adventure, this is life or death, and Ford brings that sense of gravity to Indiana Jones in a wonderfully tricky fashion. He must balance being the embodiment of a wondrous adventure and communicate the grave circumstances that he faces in this story all at once. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review An American Werewolf in London

An American Werewolf in London (1991) 

Directed by John Landis 

Written by John Landis

Starring David Naughton, Griffin Dunne, Jenny Agutter

Release Date August 21st, 1981

Published February 27th, 2023 

I don't get it. Well, I understand what people see in American Werewolf in London, but I don't get why it has lasted in people's memories for over 40 years. American Werewolf in London has some terrific practical effects and makeup. It has several memorable visuals, mostly in the makeup effects by the iconic Rick Baker. That's a solid legacy but beyond that, there is not much of a movie here. Thin characters, a horror comedy tone that is never funny, and disconnected scenes that linger rather than move things along, left me rather bored by a movie with a reputation as a horror classic. 

American Werewolf in London stars blandly handsome commercial pitchman, David Naughton as David and Griffin Dunne as David's best friend Jack. Somehow, David convinced Jack to go backpacking across England, specifically in the cold and rainy Yorkshire Moors, even as Jack greatly preferred going to the warmer and more welcoming environment in Greece or Italy. The two are miserable and cold and when they find a pub in a small town, things don't get any better. 

The locals are rude and stand-offish, they send the American visitors away without so much as a warm beverage. The only thing the locals tell the two young men is to stay out of the Moors. Naturally, they don't listen and up walking in the bright light of a full moon across the empty Moors. In the distance, they hear what sounds like a dog or a wolf. Indeed, it's a werewolf, one the locals were fully aware of but failed to keep the young men from encountering. 

Subsequently, Jack is brutally mutilated while David runs away like a coward. He does turn back for Jack but only so that we in the audience can be shown Jack's brutally desiccated corpse. David himself is then attacked but survives when several of the guilt-ridden pub patrons come to rescue him and kill the werewolf. Unfortunately for both David and Jack, David has been bitten before he was rescued and the Werewolf curse was transferred to him. 

The curse also effects poor Jack who cannot rest in peace until the Werewolf bloodline is ended. That means that David needs to die or Jack will live on as a member of the living dead. In the best part of the movie, Rick Baker's makeup turns Griffin Dunne into an ever rotting corpse whose decay is more and more present the more we see him. Dunne, unfortunately for the rest of the movie, is far more charming and engaging than star David Naughton and the movie suffers when Dunne isn't on screen. 

Put it simply, David Naughton is completely overmatched when challenged with carrying the movie. He's blandly handsome but there is nothing much more too him. So much of the movie is spent in his company and because of that, the movie never gains any charm or momentum. Naughton is a giant void at the center of the movie, sucking in all that might be interesting about writer-director John Landis' homage to classic MGM monster movies. 

Find my full length review at Horror.Media 

Movie Review My Bloody Valentine

My Bloody Valentine (1981) 

Directed by George Mihalka 

Written by John Beaird

Starring Neil Affleck, Paul Kelman, Laurie Hallier, Don Francis, Cynthia Dale 

Release Date February 11th, 1981

Published February 14th, 2023 

My Bloody Valentine 1981 is a low budget horror success story. The film was made for about 5 bucks and a 6 pack of beer, and it went on to become a beloved cult classic. Does that make it a good movie? Not really, but, from a business standpoint, it's undeniably successful. Year after year, on Valentine's Day, My Bloody Valentine grabs a sizable chunk of the streaming market and makes this little horror movie that could into one of the greatest low budget success stories of the 1980s. Again, that doesn't make it an actual good movie, but it is impressive.

In the town of Valentine Bluff, somewhere in Cananda, a mine accident killed left four men dead and one man, Harry Warden, alive after he resorted to murdering his fellow miners and eating their flesh to survive. Harry winds up in a coma until a year later when he wakes up and murders the men responsible for the accident. As we join the story, we are 20 years removed from Harry Warden's rampage. It's established that this is the first Valentine's Day celebration since the murders 20 years ago. 

Valentine's Day was outlawed in the town because the men who were responsible for the mining accident, the men subsequently murdered by Harry Warden, caused the accident by leaving the mine to attend the town Valentine's Day Dance. Now, the next generation of miners in Valentine Bluff have petitioned to bring back the celebration. This sets off Harry Warden who returns having been triggered by the celebration of Valentine's Day. Warden is supposed to have been locked away in a mental institution but now, the sheriff can't confirm if he's alive or dead. 

Meanwhile, in a romantic subplot, a rivalry has arisen between T.J (Paul Kelman) and Axel (Neil Affleck). T.J is the son of the mine owner and has recently returned to town to work at the mine. T.J's ex, Sarah (Lori Hallier), has moved on with Axel and T.J is quite jealous. This rivalry will come to a head when the miners are told that their Valentine's celebration has been canceled by the mayor (Larry Reynolds), and the Sheriff (Don Francks). They've discovered a pair of bodies, possibly the work of Harry Warden and they are moving to cancel Valentine's Day as quickly as possible. 

Thus, the miners have invited themselves to a trap when they move their Valentine's Day celebration to the mine shaft. There they will line up to be Harry's next victims by enacting classic slasher movie tropes such as trying to have sex or going places they aren't supposed to go and running the wrong direction to escape the killer. The question then becomes, is this really Harry Warden or is this a copycat with a completely different motive? 

That should be the question. The reality, however, is that My Bloody Valentine is far too lazy to concern itself with details that make sense. Instead, director George Mihalka settles for revealing the killer's origins in the final minutes of the movie, as a twist. It renders much of the rest of the movie rather dubious and superfluous. None of the characters introduced really matter to the plot, they suddenly exist as cannon fodder as we find out who the killer is. 

Find my full length review at Horror.Media 

Movie Review: Blow Out

Blow Out (1981) 

Directed by Brian De Palma

Written by Brian De Palma 

Starring John Travolta, Nancy Allen, John Lithgow, Dennis Franz 

Release Date July 21st 1981 

Published July 20th, 2001 

Style over substance, technique over plot. Just some of the many things said of Brian De Palma's directorial style. In Blow Out we are treated to a rare De Palma effort that combines style and brains for an entertaining suspense filled ride. If only De Palma weren't so enamored of Nancy Allen.

In Blow Out, John Travolta is a movie sound man who, while standing on a bridge recording ambient outdoor noise, witnesses a car go off the road and into the river below him. After saving the car’s female passenger played by Nancy Allen, and taking her the hospital he finds that the man killed in the accident was a popular presidential candidate. After being told that the events of the evening were to be covered up he then discovers the accident wasn't really an accident and Travolta becomes obsessed with finding the truth.

De Palma's long languid tracking shots and unique camera work is once again on display and added to it is a love of sound appropriate for a movie about a movie sound man. The film makes great use of surrounding noise and microphones. Travolta's character is a former police expert in surveillance, which is put to excellent use in the film’s tragic crescendo. The films main flaw is lead actress Nancy Allen whose tiresome whine makes you want to root for John Lithgow's nut-job serial killer to cut her heart out. 

Thankfully De Palma's direction and Travolta's cool obsessiveness save this first rate thriller that is one of De Palma's best. 

Movie Review Arthur (1982)

Arthur (1981) 

Directed by Steve Gordon

Written by Steve Gordon 

Starring Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli, Sir John Gielgud 

Release Date July 17th, 1981 

Published July 16th, 2011 

Arthur Bach has everything a man could want; millions of dollars and all of the toys it can buy. Arthur has been wasting his family money for decades but now his father is ready to insist that he grow up. The plan is for Arthur to marry a socialite named Susan Johnson and then take a grown up, responsible job with his father’s company.

If Arthur refuses to marry Susan he will be cut off from the family fortune, more than 750 million dollars. Arthur’s troubles are only increased when he meets Linda Marolla (Liza Minnelli) as she is caught shoplifting at a high end department store. Arthur steps in to rescue her and they both find that they have a terrific chemistry and attraction.

Arthur is smitten but of course he must marry Susan. Meanwhile, Arthur’s long time servant and best friend Hobson (Sir John Gielgud) is hiding a secret from Arthur while working to assure that Arthur and Linda will have some kind of connection. Can Arthur give up all of the money to be with Linda?

“Arthur” has somewhat odd charms. As written and directed by Steve Gordon, who sadly died just a year after the film was released, “Arthur” is essentially about a drunken, millionaire man-child who we are supposed to love. It’s not exactly a recipe for a sympathetic character but as played by Dudley Moore, in an Oscar nominated performance, it works. You just can’t help but like Arthur.

Dudley Moore makes you forget while you are watching “Arthur” that alcoholism is not supposed to be charming and funny. Somehow, Moore’s stumbling and slurring only make him more appealing. That is in part because we know it’s just a movie but also in part because Dudley Moore is so very funny and it’s easy to forgive funny.

Sir John Gielgud is the scene stealer of “Arthur.” Early on in the film Gielgud’s surprisingly tart tongue catches you off guard. As the film goes on Gielgud’s remarkably well timed insults and quips fall further into the background but never miss their mark. Gielgud was indeed very deserving of his 1981 Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.

“Arthur” also won an Oscar for the awful original song “Arthur’s Theme” the truly brutal pop tune written by Burt Bachrach and performed by Christopher Cross. Somehow, 30 years later, the lyric “When you get caught between the moon and New York City” remains the thing most remembered about this comedy classic. And to this day no one knows what that lyric means.

Regardless of the awful theme song “Arthur” is a comedy classic. Fans loved Dudley Moore so much in the role that we’ve all mostly forgotten about the abysmal sequel, “Arthur 2: On the Rocks.” Our collective amnesia on just how truly awful that sequel was is yet another testament to how much we love the original “Arthur.”