Classic Movie Review Demolition Man Take 2

Demolition Man (1993) 

Directed by Marco Brambilla 

Written by Daniel Waters 

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, Sandra Bullock, Nigel Hawthorne, Benjamin Bratt, Denis Leary

Release Date October 9th 1993

Published October 11th, 2023 

Demolition Man is a desperate, sad, and pathetic attempt by Sylvester Stallone to cast himself as the 'cool guy.' There was this character archetype of the 80s and 90s, one pioneered by Eddie Murphy, for the most part. It's a character who is the smartest, funniest, coolest guy in any room that he's in. I call these characters Bugs Bunny types. Bugs Bunny was always one step ahead of whoever he was on screen with. Bugs was never the subject of the joke, he was the one delivering the punchline. No one got over on Bugs Bunny, he always came out on top by being funnier, smarter, and more dynamic than anyone else on screen. 

Whether Eddie Murphy was aware of it or not, his Beverly Hills Cop persona is an R-Rated version of a Bugs Bunny archetype. Axel Foley is Bugs Bunny. He's always three steps ahead of everyone in a scene. Axel is the funniest, smartest, and wittiest person in every moment. No one can keep up with Axel or Bugs Bunny and no one is allowed to get one over on Axel or Bugs Bunny. There is an element of the archetypal Simpson's character Poochie in Axel Foley as in the few moments that Axel is off screen, everyone has to be talking about Axel and wondering what he's doing at that moment. 

I don't mean this to demean Eddie Murphy or his performance as Axel Foley, it's merely an observation. Being like Bugs Bunny is a solid compliment. There is also the matter of coming timing and instinct that make Eddie Murphy such a comic icon. His bravado, that swagger, it's unlike anyone we've seen in this kind of role. Why am I lingering on Beverly Hills Cop, Bugs Bunny, and Eddie Murphy in a review of Demolition Man? Because Sylvester Stallone wants so badly to be as cool as Eddie Murphy. 

It's very clear that the lead role in Demolition Man was written with someone of Murphy's comic timing and instinct in mind. It's clear that the movie would benefit from having a fleet footed comic voice at the heart of the story. It's also clear that having Sylvester Stallone and his sad, desperate, egotism at the heart of the movie, drags the whole thing down. Stallone is not an actor with strong comic instincts. He's lumbering, he speaks slowly, and he's not cool, no matter how much he might want you to believer it. He's simply not believable as the smartest, funniest, most dynamic guy in any room that he's in. 

Thus, what should be a fast paced action comedy, becomes a flat, lumbering, lumbering, clumsy, testosterone heavy, bloated explosion-fest. In order to frame Stallone as the coolest guy in any room, the rest of the cast is forced to dial back their performances to match Stallone's slow, witless cadence. So, we have a character played by a young and lovable Sandra Bullock who is rendered almost unwatchable as she bravely battles her way through some of the worst dialogue in any movie ever. And you have a remaining supporting cast that is not allowed to have either screen time or presence that might compete with Stallone or make him look any less dynamic than he already appears. 

Only Wesley Snipes is allowed to shine opposite Stallone and thus why Snipes disappears for so much time in Demolition Man. Though Snipes' Simon Phoenix is the big bad of Demolition Man, his colorful villain is kept off screen for lengthy periods of time while the screenwriters desperately try to craft scenes to make Stallone look cool. The world building in Demolition Man might appear, on the surface, to be similar to any other sci-fi movie set in the future. But, look closer, if you do, you can see a series of innovations that are clearly inventions intended to make Stallone appear more relatable and especially cooler than anyone else in the movie. 

One example that stands out as the kind of gag that is written for an Eddie Murphy type comic actor that falls flat as delivered by Stallone, involves bathroom habits of the future. I'd rather not linger on the famed 'three seashells' of Demolition Man, but the gag is one that Murphy would have thrived in riffing on. There would undoubtedly be a fast paced, curse word laden rant that Murphy would riff off the top of his head about the 'three seashells.' In the hands of Murphy, it's a masterpiece of raunchy humor. In the hands of Sylvester Stallone, the bit dies an unmourned death that raises far too many needless questions that distract from the story being told. 

For those that aren't familiar with Demolition Man, the story goes that Sylvester Stallone is John Spartan, a cop in 1996 Los Angeles. Spartan is a good cop who plays his own rules, a classic cliche of 80s and 90s action movies. John Spartan has been given the awkward moniker, Demolition Man, because his style of being a cop involves a remarkable level of property damage and death. In pursuing the violent criminal gang leader, Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes), Spartan is accused of getting a group of hostages killed and Spartan himself is convicted and placed in a cryo-prison. 

Frozen inside a giant ice cube, John Spartan is sleeping his life away until 2036 when his old nemesis, Simon Phoenix escapes from the same cryo-prison under strange circumstances. In 2036, there is no crime, no music, no salt, no sugar, and society is a pristine, plasticized bore. The Police still exist but they don't have much to do. Thus, when Simon Phoenix commits the first murders in more than 30 years, no one in the Police Department is prepared to deal with his level of violence. A young cop named Lenina Huxley offers an unusual solution, thaw out legendary cop John Spartan, reinstate him to the Police and have him track down Simon Phoenix. 

That's the plot of Demolition Man and there are the building blocks of a good idea in there. It's a classic fish out of water scenario in which a man from a different time suffers comical culture shock in a future he doesn't understand. It's a premise rife with easy culture clash gags that might be elevated by a comic mind like Eddie Murphy. Sadly, with Sylvester Stallone in the lead, the jokes basically devolve to dimwitted observations about how boring the future is without cool stuff we had in the past. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review The Expendables 4

The Expendables 4 (2023) 

Directed by Scott Waugh 

Written by Kurt Wimmer, Max Adams, Tad Daggerhart

Starring Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Megan Fox, 50 Cent, Dolph Lundgren, Tony Jaa, Iko Uwais 

Release Date September 22nd, 2023 

Published September 26th, 2023 

It speaks volumes without saying a word that before the end of the first act, Sylvester Stallone has left The Expendables 4. Stallone's character may or may not have been killed on a raid on terrorists in Libya. So, even the stars of Expendables 4 don't want to be in Expendables 4 if they don't have to be. The Expendables 4 is an utter shambles, a complete embarrassment for everyone involved. It's a lazy boomer fantasy of middle aged tough guys who use their unique set of skills to kill a mass number of lackeys who seem to form out of thin air only to be brutally murdered as quick as they appear. 

The story of The Expendables 4, such as it is, finds our heroes Barney (Sylvester Stallone) and Christmas (Jason Statham), tracking down a terrorist that has long eluded them both. Rahmat (Iko Uwais) is dangerous on his own and has a history with Christmas. Now, however, Rahmat is working with an international terrorist whom Barney has been looking for since the 80s. With Rahmat in Libya getting detonators for a nuclear bomb, the Expendables team, including Toll Road (Randy Couture), Gunnar (Dolph Lundgren), and newcomers Easy Day (50 Cent) and Galan (Jacob Scipio), head into battle. 

The mission is a disaster, the detonators get away and Christmas is fired. What happens to Barney is a spoiler. Regardless, the Expendables team leadership falls to Gina (Megan Fox). It will be her mission now to try and find where Rahmat is taking the nuclear detonators and to stop him from using them to star World War 3. Naturally, Gina happens to be Christmas' ex-girlfriend. And just as predictably, the two have angry fight sex before he hatches a plan to follow her on her mission. Recruiting the help of a former Expendable, Decha (Tony Jaa). 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review: Escape Plan 2 Hades

Escape Plan 2 Hades (2018) 

Directed by Steven C. Miller

Written by Miles Chapman 

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jesse Metcalf, Dave Bautista, Curtis Jackson

Release Date June 29th, 2018

Published June 29th, 2018 

I have seen amateur movies on YouTube, shot on an IPhone, that have better special effects than the cheeseball fluff featured in the new movie Escape Plan 2: Hades. This Sylvester Stallone starring sequel to the not-so-great to begin with, 2013 feature, Escape Plan starring Sly and Arnold Schwarzenegger, is among the worst movies of 2018. Bad special effects, inept direction, and abysmal editing make Escape Plan 2: Hades, nearly impossible to endure.

Once again Stallone is playing the character of security expert Ray Breslin. Here Ray and his team, including Jesse Metcalf, Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson and Jamie King, are hired to rescue hostages in a foreign country by developing an executing an ‘escape plan,’ get it? When the escape plan goes bad, Ray is forced to part ways with two members of his team, Jasper (Wes Chatham) and Shu (Xiaming Huong).

After firing Jasper, Ray let’s Shu take  a leave of absence and from there, Shu goes home to Thailand and reunites with his cousin, a tech millionaire. The cousin is wanted for his deus ex machina technology and when he’s kidnapped, Shu gets taken as well. The two end up in Hades, a state of the art prison, said to be inescapable. Naturally, when Ray finds out his buddy is missing he knows what he needs, as escape plan.

My plot description is intentionally snarky but the movie deserves it. Little care is taken by director Stephen C. Miller to make Escape Plan 2: Hades watchable so the film deserves my condescending descriptors. Miller’s direction is borderline haphazard, as if we’re lucky when he’s able to plant his camera in the direction of the actors. The editing is employed to try and hide the directorial and storytelling deficiencies, using quick cuts to try and distract from the bad production design and bored acting.

Sly Stallone looks as if he’s not getting enough sleep these days. His speech has always been a tad slow but here, words fall from his mouth as if pushed with great effort but little energy or life. He doesn’t appear to care much about what he’s saying and comes off as content to deliver the minimum effort needed for his check. Director Miller tries to cover for his star’s disinterest by giving newcomer Xiaming Huong most of the heavy lifting but his martial arts can’t overcome Miller’s inability to capture martial arts in a visually interesting fashion.

The fight scenes in Escape Plan 2: Hades are nearly as sloppy as the special effects are laughable. Huong appears to be a capable fighter but the slapdash camera work and quick cut editing do more to hide his abilities than to exploit them. There are times during major fight scenes where it was impossible to even locate the lead characters amid the chaos of the staging of these scenes.

The CGI of Escape Plan 2 is camp level bad. The effects rendering on something as routine as muzzle flair from a handgun are laughably inept with tiny fireballs that look like cotton candy popping out of a gun. A big explosion in the opening of the film looked like an effect from the legendary modern bad movie Birdemic: Shock and Terror. That film however, at the very least, was entertainingly terrible, Escape Plan 2: Hades is merely embarrassingly cringe inducing.

Just what the heck was Dave Bautista thinking when he accepted this role? Was he desperate to share the screen with Sly Stallone? Bautista is billed as the second star of Escape Plan, equal to Stallone and yet he’s barely in the movie. Bautista doesn’t even have a fight scene, content to just hold a gun in one scene and fire the gun while lightly jogging toward danger later in the movie. Bautista matches Stallone’s lack of energy with his own barely there performance.

Escape Plan 2: Hades was supposed to be released theatrically, nationwide this weekend but someone thought better of that idea. Instead, this abysmal effort will haunt the DVD and Blu Ray racks as of Friday, tempting Stallone completists and those who can be tricked into thinking Bautista is doing another Drax like character. Don’t be fooled, Bautista is barely there and Stallone, in a sense, is barely there as well in one of the worst movies of 2018.

Movie Review: Zookeeper

Zookeeper (2011) 

Directed by Frank Coraci

Written by Nick Bakay, Rock Reuben, Kevin James, Jay Sherick, David Ronn

Starring Kevin James, Sylvester Stallone, Rosario Dawson, Leslie Bibb, Nick Nolte, Cher

Release Date July 8th, 2011

Published July 7th, 2011

Kevin James is a big, lovable teddy bear of a guy who is hard not to root for. That appeal comes in handy in a movie like Zookeeper which indicates from its premise that critics should really hate it. The premise has James talking with zoo animals who give him advice about his love life. So... yeah, that's actually the premise. 

To be fair to my profession, the most recent examples of humans talking with animals include such dreadful films as Dr. Doolittle 1 & 2 with Eddie Murphy, a pair of Alvin & the Chipmunk debacles and Hop. History would seem to dictate that Zookeeper should be brutal. That it is far from brutal, indeed it's modestly enjoyable is quite something.

Hilarious Heartbreak

Griffin (James) is in love with Stephanie (Leslie Bibb) but unfortunately she can't love a modest zookeeper. Too bad she tells him this after he pops the question in an elaborate romantic gesture, a terrifically funny scene exceptionally well played by Kevin James who earns our sympathy right off the bat.

Cut to five years later and Griffin is thinking of leaving the zoo to work at his brother Dave's (Nat Faxon) exotic car shop. When the zoo animals get wind of their favorite zookeeper thinking of leaving the finally reveal that they can talk. The reveal on the animals talking is another great scene from James who reacts as someone likely should react when animals begin speaking to them only funnier.

Animals Can Talk

In order to convince Griffin to stay the zoo animals come up with a plan to teach him how to win Stephanie back. Again, you will be surprised how often you laugh during these scenes as James goes all out throwing himself into all sorts of physical gags as he works to make us laugh.

The animal voice cast includes Sylvester Stallone and Cher as Lions, Adam Sandler, doing one of his irritating voices as a monkey, Maya Rudolf as a giraffe and most surprisingly, Nick Nolte as TGIFriday's loving gorilla. Nolte is a wonderfully strange choice who infuses even the goofiest scene with unnecessary vocal gravitas.

If You Liked Paul Blart...

Zookeeper has no right to be as funny as it is but then again neither did Kevin James's last lead comic performance in Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Both films look dreadful on the surface but watching them, I was caught off guard by the number of times Kevin James made me laugh.

No other actor in Hollywood works harder to make an audience laugh. Most of the time when an actor desperately tries to make you laugh they fail, it's all too obvious and desperate. James however, brings sweetness to his desperation that makes him sympathetic.

Of course, Zookeeper is not going to win any Oscars and likely won't remember any of it in a couple days but while watching it I laughed a great deal more than I expected to. Kevin James is a funny, sweet and hard working guy that you just can't help but root for even as you wish he weren't in a talking animal movie.

Movie Review The Expendables

The Expendables (2010) 

Directed by Sylvester Stallone

Written by David Callaham, Sylvester Stallone 

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Stone Cold Steve Austin

Release Date August 13th, 2010 

Published August 12th, 2010

Take your hands and press them against the sides of your head. Now, hold them there and press as hard as you can. Stay that way for the next 103 minutes and you will have an equivalent experience to having seen “The Expendables,” Sylvester Stallone's latest desperate attempt to remain relevant.

”The Expendables” stars Stallone alongside a rogue’s gallery of has-beens, wannabes, never-wears and Oscar nominee Mickey Rourke lending his rediscovered cool to the proceedings. The has beens include Jason Statham and Jet Li as Christmas and Yang, two of Stallone's, aka Barney, fellow mercenaries for hire, former military specialists now available to the highest bidder.

Also on the team UFC champion Randy Couture, former NFL player Terry Crews and sad, pathetic former B-movie star Dolph Lundgren. Together this ragtag band is off to some unknown isle to battle today's bad guy du jour, the rogue CIA agent. This time he's played by Eric Roberts in fine high camp form.

Stallone wrote, directed and stars in “The Expendables'' and much like his previous auteurist efforts like “Rocky ..2”.. through infinity and the recent “Rambo'' reboot, “The Expendables'' has flashes of inspiration but is mostly amateurish, off key and gut punching loud and violent. Clearly, this won't be an issue for the core of Stallone's audience, those already punch-drunk from months of UFC pay per views and neck vein popping work outs. For those seeking coherence or a story The Expendables is torturous. Call it water-boarding for the soul. 

There are times when “The Expendables” feels as if it is pummeling the audience's visual and auditory fists. Stallone and his editing team cut “The Expendables” in a fashion that will spin the heads of even the most cut friendly music video directors. Fight scenes are placed in a blender with images so randomly thrust forward it's impossible to tell whose head is being busted. 

This likely helped the aging cast look a little sprayer; Mr. Statham is the only member of the male cast under the age of 40. I say male cast rather unnecessarily as Charisma Carpenter and Giselle Itie are the only female cast members but neither is nothing more than a minor damsel in distress subplot. 

When “The Expendables” slows down for moments of dialogue the editing remains front and center thanks to Sly's bizarre angles; he really thinks angling off of mirrors is clever direction. If you manage to not be distracted by the editing be prepared for nonsense dialogue meant to make the characters seem quirky, instead it just makes the whole movie flaky and cheese ridden. 

I would love to say that you could enjoy “The Expendables” on a camp level, especially the scene featuring Stallone hanging off the side of a sea plane on take off in fine physics defying fashion, but sadly the whole of “The Expendables” is too harsh for any enjoyment to escape.

Even “The Expendables” centerpiece bit of camp, Stallone uniting his old Planet Hollywood pals Bruce Willis and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, falls flat because  of Stallone's bizarre direction. Through odd camera angles and strange cuts it's impossible to tell if Schwarzenegger, Willis and Stallone were ever actually on screen at the same time. Willis and Stallone are in frame together briefly and Stallone and Schwarzenegger are as well but never all three unless Stallone's editing team was truly so horrible that they cut the three shots, that's possible.

What's more likely is that this meeting of the action hero minds never happened and was faked in the editing. To be fair, it was a cheap ploy anyway, hard to criticize it for that. Still, it's disappointing, especially when seeing Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Willis together on screen, even for 2 or 3 minutes of mindless exposition, was the one minor pleasure that might have escaped the dreariness that is “The Expendables.”

Movie Review Bullet to the Head

Bullet to the Head (2013) 

Directed by Walter Hill

Written by Alessandro Camon

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Sung Kang, Sarah Shahi, Jason Momoa 

Release Date February 13th, 2013

Published April 1st, 2013 

If you need a good example of Hollywood misogyny look no further than to any reference to plastic surgery. Women in Hollywood are subjected to endless derision for their decision to prolong their youth through science while men like Billy Crystal and Sylvester Stallone are somehow immune. Both Crystal and Stallone make Melanie Griffith and Cher look shy and retiring by comparison and yet they are rarely the subjects of public mockery and certainly not to the extent of their female counterparts.

I bring up this topic because Mr. Stallone has returned to the big screen in the forgettable action movie "Bullet to the Head." The film finds Stallone almost unrecognizable from his days as Rocky and Rambo. Our former blue collar action hero has had more work done and ingested more chemicals to combat aging than any aging diva and yet he's allowed to keep his dignity.

Jimmy Bobo

"Bullet to the Head" casts Stallone as Jimmy Bobo, a low-level thug who specializes in killing with no questions asked. Jimmy will have more than a few questions of his own to ask however, after his partner is murdered following what seemed like a routine job knocking off a coked up ex-cop. Jimmy himself was targeted for death by the same man who killed his partner, played by Jason Momoa, but managed to survive. That, dear friend, is the setting for a revenge thriller.

Joining Jimmy as his new odd couple sidekick is Washington D.C detective, Taylor Kwan (Sung Kang). The cop Jimmy killed is Kwan's ex-partner but for reasons the film is intentionally vague about, he's not interested in getting Jimmy but rather the people who hired Jimmy. Together Jimmy and Detective Kwan begin cutting a bloody swath through the New Orleans underworld on their way back to Momoa's big bad, a thug who has no interest in money, only in killing.

The Flower of Promise?

That last paragraph intimates some promise in this story. It's a kind of twist that you have a central villain who isn't a mustache twirling schemer but rather a character that seems like a murderous lackey and turns out to be the most formidable character in the film. That promise sadly never flowers because Momoa is too much of a blank slate. The character lacks panache and beyond his odd choice of weapon, an ax, he lacks any real characterization and has zero depth.

Director Walter Hill, a veteran of both memorable ("The Warriors") and forgettable action movies, does manage to make "Bullet to the Head" presentable, even a tad watchable. Unfortunately, he's saddled with Stallone and his vain attempt to maintain his shred of star power. Stallone's vanity dominates "Bullet to the Head" and condemns the film to desperation. A scene set in a New Orleans bathhouse is merely an opportunity for the vainglorious star to remove his shirt and pretend he's Taylor Lautner. Meanwhile we in the audience can only marvel at the wonders of science both legal and questionable.

What movie did I see?

I will give Stallone credit for not demanding a nubile love interest to further his desperate quest for youth. Young Sarah Shahi, the only female character in the film, is instead Stallone's daughter in the film, conceived assumedly when Jimmy was in his mid-forties hooker loving phase. Given the amount of substances that Stallone is on to maintain his physique, it's fair to guess that he's beyond Viagra and thus the need for a love interest. As for Ms. Shahi, she's little more than a pretty face and serves the purpose of a damsel in distress before being given as a prize to Kang's sidekick detective.

I don't hate "Bullet to the Head;" that would require more effort than the film is worth. Rather, I find it impossible to maintain much of a memory of the film. I remember enough to give you a cursory description of the plot and I have made great effort to remember the actors involved but beyond that, the film is so forgettable that the title will be lost to me in the mere seconds after I finish this review. Nothing of.. of… "Bullet to the Head" (sorry began to forget it already) has earned space in my mind, a place where Derek Jeter's rookie year batting average and the names of WWE Divas still reside.

The Aging Star

The only thing remotely memorable about "Bullet to the Head" is Sly Stallone's vanity. Where once he was Rocky, among the least vain characters in film history, he is now a caricature. Stallone is the Frankenstein's monster of modern science; a sad testament of an image obsessed culture. Stallone is now more machine than man; more dangerous science experiment than human being.

While the movie will never be remembered, still photographs from "Bullet to the Head" will likely be exhibits in Stallone's autopsy. When science finally does fail to convert Stallone into a jet fuel based life-form doctors will examine stills from this film to see where the science experiment went wrong; to see where the surgically implanted seams began to fail. It's sick and it's quite a twisted thought, but it is the only thing I will take away from "Bullet to the Head."

Movie Review Rambo

Rambo (2008) 

Directed by Sylvester Stallone

Written by Sylvester Stallone

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Julie Benz, Matthew Marsden

Release Date January 25th, 2008

Published January 28th, 2008

*sniff* *sniff* What is that smell? Desperation? Is it just me or does desperation smell like feet? It could just be the odor wafting off the new Rambo movie from writer, producer, director, star Sylvester Stallone. Desperate to rekindle past glory, or maybe just raise some quick cash to pay for his latest plastic surgery bill, Stallone has pulled Rambo out of moth balls and though he slips back into the role like a sweat stained t-shirt, the odor of desperation is too overwhelming not to turn the stomach of even the hardiest of fans.

Desperately clinging to the last of his star power, Sylvester Stallone returns to the role of John Rambo. Now living in the war zone of Burma, he raises snakes for a living, Rambo has found a comfortable place in the world. That comfort is upended by a group of missionaries who ask his help to go into the northern war zone.

They want to aid the people suffering under military dictatorship. Rambo thinks they have a death wish. After much pushing and prodding, Rambo finally takes them to the north. He is then not the least bit surprised when less than a month later he is approached by a man who says the missionaries were never heard from again.

Rambo is then recruited to join a group of mercenaries who will attempt a rescue. Leading a hot headed, arrogant group of for profit soldiers, Rambo quickly locates the missionaries held by a rogue military attachment, and the violence begins.

Sylvester Stallone wrote, directed, produced and starred in Rambo basically because his last three original features, outside the Rocky or Rambo characters, have gone directly to video stores and quickly to the dump bin. His star power has waned to an astonishing degree from when he was arguably the biggest star in the world.

Unlike Bruce Willis or Harrison Ford who have managed to age their ally, Stallone clings to his image as a buffed up action star. His Rambo is a Rambo who clearly spends a lot of time in the Burmese equivalent of Gold's Gym. And who knew Burma had such fabulous plastic surgeons.

What audience he can't impress by pretending to be 20 years younger he attempts to impress with non-stop ugly violence. The violence of Rambo is some of the ugliest ever brought to the screen. The creators of Saw and Hostel combined likely didn't spill this much fake blood.

Though the film is laughable for Stallone's sad desperate attempt to remain relevant, the violence isn't the least bit comical. Stallone strives for realism and crafts some of the most hard to watch violence ever brought to the screen. I urge the squeamish to stay far away from this one.

Then again, I urge everyone to stay away from Rambo. The stench of desperation and greed is pungent and the violence? Beyond merely off putting, it's disturbing.

Movie Review Rocky Balboa

Rocky Balboa (2006) 

Directed by Sylvester Stallone

Written by Sylvester Stallone

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Burt Young, Antonio Tarver, Milo Ventimiglia 

Release Date December 20th, 2006

Published December 20th, 2006

When I first heard Sylvester Stallone was reviving the Rocky series I rolled my eyes and dismissed the idea as a desperate attempt by an aging star to save his flagging career. That, indeed, was the case. Stallone's career has been flagging for years with one disappointing film leading to another to eventually Stallone being unable to open his movies in theaters.

I wasn't the only dismissive skeptic. MGM, the company that holds the rights to the Rocky character, had no interest in another Rocky. It wasn't until Stallone raised the production capitol on his own that MGM agreed to release the film and now that film has been made and to the shock and amazement of many Rocky Balboa is more than just a star's desperate attempt to reclaim the spotlight.

Pretending that the last installment of the Rocky movies, one that found a brain damaged Rocky brawling in the streets with a younger, dumber fighter (played by real life boxer Tommy Morrison), this Rocky picks up the story with the champ running a successful restaurant in his old neighborhood in Philly. A Lot has changed but most devastatingly, Rocky's beloved wife Adrian has passed away.

Spending countless days visiting Adrian's grave and his nights commiserating with his pal Pauly (Burt Young), Rocky somehow gets it in his head that he's got something left in the tank for another fight. His decision to fight again happens to coincide with an ESPN video game stunt that pitted a virtual Rocky in his prime against the current world champion Mason 'The Line' Dixon (Antonio Tarver). Virtual Rocky wins the fight and this sparks interest in seeing Rocky get back in the ring.

Much of Rocky Balboa plays like Rocky's greatest hits. The training scenes have their usual grit and grunts. Bill Conti's score is soaring and inspirational and yes, Rocky is back on the steps running all the way to the top. This sounds like a negative criticism but I must say, as greatest hits go, these are pretty good ones. Think of it like this, you wouldn't turn up your nose at your favorite rock bands greatest hits, so why turn your nose up at Rocky's.

Sylvester Stallone stars in, wrote the screenplay, produced and directed Rocky Balboa and this one man movie company does quite an impressive job. Shooting on handheld digital, Stallone takes Rocky back to his low budget days and it's terrific how the handheld digital is so visually reminiscent of the original film. The big budget slickness of Rocky's 3,4 and 5 were part and parcel of the disgusting excess that took the once beloved character and made him a joke.

Of course,Rocky Balboa culminates with a big time boxing match and as in Rocky 1 and 2 this one doesn't disappoint. The fight between Rocky and real life boxing champ Antonio Tarver never resembles anything remotely like a real boxing match, but as a Rocky version of boxing; it's as rousing and invigorating as the two bouts with Apollo Creed that provided the crescendo of the first two Rocky movies.

The death of Talia Shire's Adrian provides the film with a powerful emotional punch. Adrian is arguably as iconic a character as Rocky, though Talia Shire was never properly honored for her work. This film is a beautiful love letter to Rocky's anchor, the one character who managed to maintain her dignity through the ever more ludicrous sequelizations of Rocky.

Is Rocky Balboa a cynical, last gasp at stardom by an aging action hero desperate for the spotlight? Yeah, maybe a little. But, surprisingly, Rocky Balboa is also a well told story that takes advantage of our nostalgia for a beloved character to tell a pretty engaging and dramatic story. Most of all the film is a reminder of why we fell in love with this character and it leaves us with the memory of Rocky that was taken from us by the goofiness of the other sequels. For that reason alone Rocky Balboa is worth the price of a ticket.

Movie Review: Avenging Angelo

Avenging Angelo (2003) 

Directed by Martin Burke 

Written by Steve Mackall 

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Madeleine Stowe, Anthony Quinn, Raoul Bova, Billy Gardell

Release Date May 20th, 2003 

Published July 5th, 2003 

It's been a rough couple years for Sly Stallone's film career. The man has gone from the world’s biggest box office draw to holding his film premieres at Blockbuster Video. Nevertheless, Stallone is still a huge star internationally and whether or not he is successful in the US, he can make movies for international audiences for the rest of his career. Successful money making movies that American audiences almost never see. His latest is a romantic-mob comedy Avenging Angelo.

As you watch the film you can hear the Hollywood pitch meeting, "It's When Harry Met Sally meets The Sopranos.” Stallone is Frankie, a mob bodyguard for an aging Mafioso played by Anthony Quinn. Employing both a flashback and voiceover from Stallone we learn that Quinn's character had a child years ago but was forced to give the child up because of a vendetta from his enemies. Now as Quinn is dying he is ready to tell his daughter the truth.

The daughter is an unhappy housewife named Jennifer (Madeline Stowe). She’s married to a cheating husband who forces her to send her son to military school. After finally catching her husband cheating with a close friend, she throws him out. At the same time the mob boss has passed on and sent Frankie to deliver the news to Jennifer. Surprise, your real father was a mob boss! Not only that but the secret is out that you are a mob princess and there are people out to kill you. So, Frankie moves into her home to protect her.

There are some very funny moments in Avenging Angelo, especially in the chemistry of Stallone and Stowe. Though Stowe's performance is somewhat on the shrill side, she is tempered by Stallone's relaxed, confident performance. Unfortunately, the story that surrounds the performances is contrived and unconvincing. Once Stowe accepts her new persona as a mobster's daughter, she starts talking about whacking people and taking on the family business. Apparently, the transformation from WASPy housewife to Italian mob mother is only a script contrivance away.

Director Martyn Burke is yet another in a long line of directors who are excellent technicians but not great directors. Burke is a great choice if you want a straight transfer of script to screen but if you're looking for innovation, for a director to bring some spice to a familiar story, you should look elsewhere. See Avenging Angelo for Anthony Quinn. While this film may not be the perfect coda for his amazing career, it was nevertheless his last film and that makes it historic. That Stallone and Stowe make the film mildly entertaining around him is a nice bonus.

Movie Review Spy Kids 3D Game Over

Spy Kids 3D Game Over (2003) 

Directed by Robert Rodriguez 

Written by Robert Rodriguez

Starring Darryl Sabara, Antonio Banderas, Carla Gugino, Alexa Vega, Ricardo Montalban, Sylvester Stallone, Mike Judge 

Release Date July 25th, 2003 

Published July 26th, 2003 

Robert Rodriguez's original Spy Kids was an ingenious marriage of kids movies and James Bond action-fantasy. It was safe enough for kids with just enough to appeal to parents and with its low budget, was a huge box office hit. The second film was slightly less successful in its appeal to wide audiences as well as box office, but was still a big enough hit to justify another sequel. That sequel is a gimmicky jump into the realm of video games, Spy Kids 3D.

You may remember 3D, the failed experiment from the 1950's and 60's that was last used to try and revive the Nightmare On Elm Street horror franchise. That film was also produced by Dimension films so maybe they just had a bunch of those glasses just laying around and that inspired them to do this. Whatever the inspiration, it was a bad idea when it was first used and with the advances in technology these days, it's a bad idea in Spy Kids 3.

As we join the story, Juni Cortes (Daryl Sabara) has quit being a secret agent and is now a small-time private investigator solving cases about missing dollies for a buck apiece. All the while his former spy bosses are trying to get him to come back and help on an important case. Juni's sister Carmen (Alexa Vega) has been taken hostage inside a video game called Game Over.

When Juni hears that his sister is in trouble, he returns to save her and joins her inside the game. Once inside it's time to put on our 3D glasses and watch as Juni battles fellow game players in games that resemble Tron crossed with Robot Jox. Juni, with the help of some other kids trapped in the game, go in search of Carmen and a way out of the game. They must also figure a way to shut down the game without releasing its maniacal creator, the Toymaker (Sly Stallone), who has been imprisoned inside the game world for years. Toymaker is holding Carmen hostage and hopes to use her to get himself out.

Also helping Juni is his grandfather (Ricardo Montalban), a former secret agent who was left in a wheelchair because of the Toymaker. In the game world though Grandpa can walk, run and fight crime like he used to. Juni and Carmen's parents, played by Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino, are nowhere to be found until a quick cameo near the end of the film. Also in cameos are a number of well-known stars George Clooney, Alan Cumming, Mike Judge, Cheech Marin and Salma Hayek. Most surprising is a cameo by Elijah Wood that was met by a surprisingly loud cheer. The cameos are the film's most appealing moments.

The 3D is an unnecessary and highly annoying gimmick, I had a headache from the first time I put on the glasses all the way to the end of the film. However, what's worse is the film’s trite family movie cliches. Where the first two Spy Kids movies were like cinematic cotton candy, Spy Kids 3D is brussel sprouts. Good for you but not very tasty. The film is filled beginning to end with after school special messages about teamwork, family, tolerance and forgiveness.

That's all well and good if it's couched in an entertaining story but Spy Kids 3D doesn't have a story. It has cheesy 3D environments that have long been rendered useless by the advances in computer technology. The CGI characters in films like Shrek and Finding Nemo are far more impressive than anything ever done with 3D. I would rather see Spy Kids in computer animation than the ugly 3D environments created for Spy Kids 3D.

Maybe director Robert Rodriguez was too distracted with his next film Once Upon A Time in Mexico to worry about making Spy Kids 3D. You can see from Mexico's stellar trailer that that film had his full attention. Spy Kids 3D is a throwaway gimmick sequel to a series that hopefully has seen its final adventure.

Movie Review: 'Creed 2'

Creed 2 (2018) 

Directed by Stephen Caple Jr 

Written by Juel Taylor, Sylvester Stallone 

Starring Michael B Jordan, Sylvester Stallone, Tessa Thompson, Wood Harris, Dolph Lundgren 

Release Date November 21st, 2018 

Published November 20th 2018

Sylvester Stallone is perhaps the most frustrating actor on the planet. Much like Adam Sandler, we know how talented Stallone is, but we can never understand why they so often do not use that talent. Movies like Creed and Creed 2 are my thesis statements for how Stallone is and has been a remarkable talent throughout his career. It could just be that the character of Rocky Balboa gives Stallone a kick in the pants but I believe he’s just a great performer who chose to chase paychecks at the expense of his talent. 

Creed 2 is not Rocky’s story but damned if Stallone doesn’t once again steal the show from his young counterpart Michael B. Jordan, a talented young actor in his own right. Rocky is how the first Creed came to be and Rocky remains the driving force of the franchise even as he’s only a supporting player. Stallone invests deeply in Rocky and his performance lifts the film well past any sports movie cliches and into a realm of excellence. 

Creed 2 begins with our hero Adonis Creed at his most successful. Adonis is in the ring fighting for the World Heavyweight Championship with Rocky in his corner. Creed is focused and determined and while he’s not dominating his opponent, he’s outclassing him with his technique and just like that, Adonis Creed is the champ. Most sports movies build to this point but Creed has other lessons to impart and thus the title fight is only the beginning. 

Somewhere in the Ukraine, in bombed out gyms on the edge of bombed out towns we see a familiar old face. Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) is at ringside with his monster of a son Viktor Drago (Florian Monteanu) in the ring hurting people. In the crowd is a promoter named Buddy Marcelle (Russell Hornsby) who has gone all the way to the Ukraine because he could smell money. The idea of Creed versus Drago is one few shyster promoters could pass up. 

For the uninitiated, Ivan Drago is the fighter who killed Apollo Creed in the boxing ring in 1986, as depicted in Rocky 4. Sensing a media sensation, Marcelle returns to Philadelphia with the Drago’s in tow intending to get a big payday by antagonizing Adonis Creed into a fight. The ruse works despite Rocky refusing to be in Adonis’ corner for the bout and the title will be defended. What happens next you should see for yourself when you see Creed. 

There are elements here that don’t quite work so let’s get those out of the way quickly. The character of Buddy Marcelle is a giant waste of time. I like actor Russell Hornsby but the way he’s filmed in the movie places a weight and importance on him that isn’t part of the movie. Director Steven Caple Jr makes Marcelle appear important with portentous cuts to him watching Creed’s title fight and him watching Drago in the Ukraine. 

Marcelle has one scene with Adonis Creed in which he taunts Creed with why he thinks Adonis has to take the fight and then he’s pretty much done for the movie. He’s entirely worthless. At a certain point in the movie, Ivan Drago becomes the guy pushing for the fight to happen and Marcelle is a shadow of a character. Why was such importance placed on him? He was kind of a plot bridge but the movie could happen entirely without him. 

Thankfully, that’s my main gripe with Creed 2. One unnecessary and poorly crafted character doesn’t ruin the movie. It just stuck in my brain a little and bugged me. The rest of Creed 2 is far better constructed. The film settles on questions of fathers and sons, of pride and vanity. Michael B. Jordan’s Adonis is playing out the insecurities of his character via boxing and ego. It’s a wonderfully well motivated performance of complex and involving emotions. 

Michael B. Jordan is as strong as you expect him to be, considering what a great run he’s on having soared into super-stardom in Black Panther earlier this year. What I found unexpected was the performance of Sylvester Stallone who is better than ever as Rocky. This war horse character has aged brilliantly and Creed 2 gives us a sense of the entire scope of Rocky’s life in just a few short scenes. 

Adonis fights Drago twice in Creed 2 and Rocky makes both fights even more compelling with how he is portrayed. Rocky watching the first fight is heart rending and him getting Creed ready for the second fight is exciting and powerful to the point where the outcome of the fight doesn’t matter. By then the lessons have been learned and the fight is a glorious exclamation point on, arguably, the best training sequence in any boxing movie ever. 

No joke, I thought the young man sitting next to me was going to go jump into a fight immediately after the movie just from being so pumped up by this killer sequence. This series of scenes set to a powerful hip hop and orchestral score is completely awesome. I kind of wanted to fight after this sequence. The sweat and the pain of this sequence are awesomely visceral and compelling to the point that the fight is almost a nice way to settle down for the final act of the movie. 

Creed 2 is not quite as artful as the original but, to be fair, that film had a genuine auteur in Ryan Coogler behind the camera. Steven Caple Jr has a ways to go but he’s off to a really great start here. Creed is a wildly entertaining movie, good enough to escape the stink of the sports movie genre, if not strong enough to be a truly great movie. The film has minor flaws but the big takeaways are Stallone is incredible when he wants to be and the Creed movies may have legs for another outing. 

I wish Sylvester Stallone had spent more time in his career actually acting. As Creed and Creed 2 show when he wants to, he can turn on the craft. It’s not just the nostalgia for the character of Rocky at play, though that is some of it. The reality is that Stallone can turn the acting on and off when he wants to, when he’s motivated to be great, he can be transcendentally good and that’s what we see in Creed and in this sequel.