Movie Review: Bird Box

Bird Box (2018) 

Directed by Susanne Bier

Written by Eric Heisserer 

Starring Sandra Bullock, Trevante Rhodes, John Malkovich, Lil Rel Howery, Machine Gun Kelly 

Release Date December 14th, 2018

Published December 14th, 2018 

Bird Box stars Sandra Bullock as Mallory, a pregnant artist whose sister is killed when an apocalyptic event begins to cause people to take their own lives. Mallory is rescued by Tom (Trevante Rhodes) who helps her get into a nearby suburban home where people have begun to fortify. Douglas (John Malkovich) is opposed to Mallory coming in the house but the owner, played by B.D Wong, welcomes her.

Also in the home is an older woman played by Academy Award nominee Jackie Weaver, a trainee cop played by Rosa Salazar, a drug dealer played by rapper Machine Gun Kelly and a grocery store clerk played by Get Out standout, Lil Rel Howery. It’s Lil Rel who theorizes that an end of the world scenario has begun. He appears to have plenty of evidence to back up his claim but we will soon realize that why is not particularly important.

Meanwhile, the film jumps 5 years in the future. Mallary is now alone with two young children whom she calls, simply, Girl and Boy. Her refusal to name them is part of a character trait she’s built from the beginning of the story with her own pregnancy which she apparently was never particularly excited about. She was worried when she was pregnant that she could not bond with her child and the unpredictable nature of the apocalypse has only deepened her conviction about keeping a child at a distance.

That distance is important as Mallary must risk the children’s lives by taking them on a perilous journey down an empty river while blindfolded. In the past, our heroes eventually suss out that if you keep your eyes covered and you don’t see the evil that is causing people to take their lives, you can get around these demonic monsters. The only people seemingly immune to the evil are the mentally deranged who will provide a secondary villain as the movie progresses.

Bird Box was directed by Danish filmmaker Susannah Bier from a screenplay by Arrival Academy Award nominee, Eric Heisserer. The film is far from perfect but the tension and the minor touches of humorous jump scares are wildly entertaining. Malkovich is on fire in this movie as the ultimate jerk who just happens to be right all the time while Moonlight star Trevante Rhodes makes for a terrifically hunky leading man for Bullock.

You may have heard all about Bird Box from the memes alone. Netflix has hit a social media goldmine with this sight deprived thriller giving audiences a seemingly endless number of quips and screen grabs of jump scares and hot takes. A scene where a characters eyes are forcibly held open so that she can die at the hands of whatever demon is at play has gone viral with numerous punchlines while Bullock’s fearsome mother figure has been raised up as the ultimate example of tough motherhood because she does everything while blindfolded. Take that deadbeat dads.

Honestly, I don’t know if I love Bird Box or the viral version of Bird Box that has become a legend on Twitter. There are blockbuster comic book movies whose supporting characters don’t get shouted out by name on social media yet you can’t help but see twitter users referring to Gary or Olympia or Douglas. The film is a terrifically fun thriller but the film’s other life as a seemingly endless meme generator is even more fun.

Bird Box has many issues, not the least of which is never giving the evil a face or a motivation. The lack of a singular focus for the evil nearly renders the whole of Bird Box as silly as it is in M Night Shyamalan’s ‘the tree’s did it’ thriller, The Happening. Bird Box even cribs that films use of the wind as a harbinger of doom plot devices. Thankfully, the performances from Bullock, Rhodes and Malkovich never let Bird Box tip completely into parody.

Director Susannah Bier is certainly not doing anything particularly original here, especially in the wake of the far more skillful and terrifying, A Quiet Place having come out in just the last 10 months. But, Bird Box has enough of its own charms and modest scares to stand on its own as a genuinely entertaining popcorn thriller. The memes probably helped more than the film itself to make me recommend Bird Box, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit how thoroughly entertained I was by Bird Box.

Movie Review Jonah Hex

Jonah Hex (2010)

Directed by Jimmy Hayward

Written by Neveldine and Taylor

Starring Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich

Release Date June 18th, 2010

Published June 18th, 2010

There is a cult that surrounds the “Jonah Hex” comic books. The character is a melding of Gothic horror and western conventions and arrived around the time that Clint Eastwood had made westerns cool again, back in the early 1970's. “Jonah Hex” has been preparing for its pop culture close up for almost that whole time.

Now, more than 30 years after its debut, with Josh Brolin in the role of Jonah, and a first time live action filmmaker Jimmy Hayward (his first feature was the animated “Horton Hears a Who”), behind the camera, the underground comics legend comes to the big screen and many are going to wish it had waited a little longer.

Josh Brolin is “Jonah Hex,” an old west bounty hunter with the ability to talk to the dead and an unending urge for vengeance against the man who killed his family. That man is Jonah's former commanding officer in the Confederate Army, General Turnbull (John Malkovich). Jonah killed Turnbull's son, Jeffrey Dean Morgan in an uncredited cameo, while trying to prevent his unit from burning down a hospital.

Soon after, Jonah had deserted the army only to be tracked down by Turnbull and made to watch as his family was burned alive. Turnbull doesn't stop there, he wants Jonah to never forget the man who did this to his family and burns his initials into Jonah's face with a branding iron. To say this was upsetting to Jonah would be a minor understatement. 

Left for dead, Jonah was rescued by an Indian tribe, because of course he was. Movies always have to go give this kind of hero a mystical rub from the noble Native American tribe. Through some kind of mystical ceremony Jonah attains his unique power to speak to the dead. The dead have the convenient ability to find people they knew when they were alive wherever they are in the world and thus the ghosts tell Jonah where to find them. What luck, right?

Megan Fox plays Jonah's favorite sex worker, Lilah, likely the only one who can stand his ugly mug. She has little function in the main plot other than being Megan Fox and wearing skimpy period sex worker clothes. There is a forced romance between Lilah and Jonah but since writers Neveldine and Taylor, the idiots behind the awful “Crank” movies, could not write a convincing romance, we are merely told that Jonah and Lilah have more than a sex worker and john relationship.

The ‘relationship’ allows the writing team to include Lilah in the film's final act shootout where she demonstrates one of many convenient talents that she and Jonah both have that are only revealed to us when the characters really need them. Characters also arrive conveniently in just the place they need to, like when Jonah is shot in the chest and passes out from the pain just a few yards from those noble, mystical Native Americans who saved his life before and are ready to save him again.

“Jonah Hex” is a clumsy, poorly crafted comic book story hampered by an idiot script that lurches between a modern story and more cutaways than an episode of “Family Guy.” The film is humorless, sexist, and even at a mere 82 minutes in length, drags from one scene to the next as if the gloom that surrounds the character of Jonah Hex were anchored on the whole movie.

To be fair, one thing in “Jonah Hex” does kind of works and it is star Josh Brolin. Despite being hampered by ridiculous burn make-up, Brolin delivers Jonah as the badass he is meant to be. Combining a little Clint Eastwood with a little John Wayne and shooting it through a Gothic, horror comic book lens, Brolin swaggers and croaks out his lines with grizzly relish. Brolin brings a cool to the movie that was lacking in both scripting and direction.

Director Jimmy Heyward and the writing team of Neveldine and Taylor undermine Josh Brolin’s performance by cutting every corner, abusing flashbacks to tell Jonah’s backstory, and provide convenient information needed to lurch the plot forward. When not abusing flashbacks they abuse handy dialogue like that from the Blacksmith who crafts Jonah’s pseudo period weaponry.

The Blacksmith who, prepare to laugh, happens to be black and named Smith (Ha!) helpfully passes along the reason why Jonah fought for the Confederacy - he was a contrarian, not a racist slave owner. Jonah was a contrarian who couldn’t stand the government telling him what to do. As Smith says, Jonah couldn’t be a racist because they are such good friends. Ugh.

Comic book fans take heart, this version of “Jonah Hex” will fail miserably and when it does DC Comics will wait a few years, find a hot rising star and start whispering about a Jonah reboot. “Jonah Hex” is too terrific a character for the company to give up on, even when this movie version of Jonah crashes and burns.

Movie Review: Beowulf

Beowulf (2007) 

Directed by Robert Zemeckis

Written by Neil Gaiman, Roger Avary 

Starring Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, Angelina Jolie, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn

Release Date November 16th, 2007

Published November 16th, 2007

Allow me to admit my bias against Beowulf right here at the begin of my review. I am not a fan of the technology used to bring this literary classic to life. My preference has been and will always be in favor of real, flesh and blood actors over the computer simulations. The entirely CGI approach of director Robert Zemeckis does absolutely nothing for me.

Some find the technology to be mind blowing, I find it to be lifeless, like watching someone else play a video game. The fact is, this technology hasn't impressed me since 1998's breakthrough animated flick Final Fantasy. That film lacked life as well but was a technical revelation that Robert Zemeckis has been chasing ever since.

Zemeckis' Beowulf like his kiddie flick The Polar Express has done little to improve upon the motion capture animation that made Final Fantasy a breakthrough nearly a decade ago. Though some will say that the eyes of the character are more lively and their movements are less herky jerky, I didn't notice the difference. Then again, I'm biased.

Ray Winstone donned the doodads and googahs to bring himself to CGI life as a gym rat looking Beowulf. All rippling muscle and blustery boastfulness, Beowulf comes to this nameless Danish kingdom in order to slay a demon who hates merriment. Each time the good time charlies of the kingdom get together for some music and some mead, the demon appears and tears them limb from limb.

Enter Beowulf and his army of viking-esque conquerors. Taking time from their raping and pillaging to take advantage of the bounty on the demon's head, Beowulf and company stake out the King's (Anthony Hopkins) mead hall and begin a massive party meant to draw the ire of the demon. It works, but when the demon, Grendel (Crispin Glover), arrive he manages to kill half of Beowulf's men.

Beowulf however, does manage to kill the demon and is soon after named the heir to the king's throne. Not before he is once again pressed into demon killing duty to take on Grendel's mother (Angelina Jolie). Beowulf's showdown with Grendel's mother seems like a success but in reality only maintains a long standing curse on the kingdom that Beowulf soon comes to rule as king.

The last act, with Beowulf as an old man taking on one last battle, is the most compelling of the film but by that point I wasn't all that engaged in this videogame writ large. I simply could not find a way inside this cold, impersonal form of filmmaking. It's not just the creepy looking technologically rendered characters but the storytelling gimmicks employed by director Robert Zemeckis and writers Neil Gaiman and Roger Avery.

The story itself plays like a group of middle aged guys trying to relate to their teenage sons by adopting the hip lingo of the day. Imagine your dad using the phrase 'bling bling' and you get my meaning. Beowulf apes the hip action of 300 but with a tin ear toward why teens went for that blood, guts and technology event.

300 succeeded as a hip music video version of history. Beowulf is classic rock to 300's Finger 11. (Is that a hip reference or what? Hey kids?) 

Putting the ugly technology aside Beowulf, as voiced by the great Ray Winstone, is something of a feckless hero. He boasts of killing copious sea monsters, the number of which changes with every telling of his story. He boasts of killing many demons but even the one he does kill isn't nearly as impressive as the story he fabricates about the killing.

Indeed much of the tale of brave Beowulf comes from his own fantastical storytelling. I get that this is supposed to be his torturous character flaw but it turned me off from the first moment and even when his moment of redemption arrives, late in the third act, I wasn't all that moved. Of course, this could be further attributed to the technology of Beowulf. I can't say whether a flesh and blood actor might have made this character more compelling.

This idea that CGI can compete with real flesh and blood actors is absolutely ludicrous. Take a moment to ponder the lead performance of Ray Winstone in Beowulf and juxtapose it against his minor supporting turn in The Departed and there is no contest. Winstone in person in The Departed is far more interesting than any shred of the fake Ray Winstone crafted in Beowulf.

Frankly, my reaction to Winstone in Beowulf is one of embarrassment. I feel bad for this fine actor that he must be subjected to this treatment in Beowulf. That he must undergo CGI plastic surgery to find stardom in mainstream movies is a sad commentary. Ray Winstone is so much more moving in the flesh than he ever could be in rippling CGI muscle.

The supporting characters are even less interesting. Anthony Hopkins bellows his way through the role of the aging king. Robin Wright Penn's Queen is a lovely CGI rendered beauty but something of a wet blanket in the end. Beowulf's men, including the usually terrific Brenden Gleeson, are colorful but are mostly cannon fodder for the demons.

Only Angelina Jolie as Grendel's mother registers beyond the technology. Though she looks like Angelina Jolie rendered in videogame form, this is a videogame I would love to play. Jolie looks gorgeous in her animated nudity, the naughty bits barely covered by a sheen of gold that forever coats her demon self. Her storyline is undercooked and forgettable but Zemeckis can atleast claim to have created the sexiest cartoon since Jessica Rabbit.

Whether that is something to be proud of I will leave you to answer for yourself.

So what is the point of Beowulf? Reading Roger Ebert's review you get the impression that it is something of a satire. I however, saw the film as deathly self serious, for the most part, with a few moments of ill-conceived humor that feel off key and out of place. Take for instance the extended Austin Powers gag that features a naked Beowulf conveniently placed behind any number of gag props to cover his manhood.

Why must Beowulf be nude? A nod to the underwear models of 300? Maybe, but I don't know for sure. All I know is that Beowulf is quite uncomfortably nude and taking part in scenes that Jerry Seinfeld would no doubt classify as bad naked, as opposed to the Angelina Jolie nude scenes which are entirely good naked in the most gratuitous fashion.

I say nude and yet we are talking about a PG 13 movie. Curious? Somehow the MPAA classifies animated nudity as not being nudity. Of course with Beowulf's little Beowulf conveniently hidden behind a series of props, we have no real test of the MPAA's stomach on the issue of animated nudity. Jolie too is conveniently covered with dripping gold over her naughty bit. This must mean something to the oddballs at the MPAA.

Stranger than the films approach to nudity, and the MPAA's standards for such, is the attitude taken toward violence in the film and by the standard setters. Beowulf is exceptionally bloody and violent in the same blood spurting vein as 300. Yet, without the CGI nakedness, 300 is rated R and Beowulf is PG-13. Beowulf is covered in blood, heads ripped from bodies, limbs and flesh copiously torn and yet the MPAA never feels as if 13 year old children should be protected? What then were they so concerned about with 300?

I must say that I love the kink of CGI nudity and violence messing with the stale minds of the MPAA censors. That they must render a decision on such utter ridiculousness as the sight of animated boobs is terrifically funny.

That I have spent the past few paragraphs discussing things about Beowulf that have little to do with the quality of the film itself should give you a good sense of how little I cared for it overall. I have no interest in discussing the entertainment value of the action or my reactions to the climactic scenes or to the 3D rendering, because my reactions weren't nearly as interesting as the jokey elements on the periphery of this self serious CGI cartoon.

I'm biased. I want real, flesh and blood actors and will accept no substitute. Like the much reviled Jar Jar Binks, Beowulf is an impressive work of technology but he remains lifeless and unmoving to me. Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins and Angelina Jolie do more with the glint in their eyes and the lines of their faces than could ever be captured by a computer. Acting is a physical profession. It is a mind, body, soul profession that communicates emotions and ideas beyond mere words.

The lifeless videogame characters of Beowulf, whether rendered in 3D or flat 2d, can never compel as well as a real life, flesh and blood actor. This is the failure of Beowulf and any film that follows the ludicrous idea that our stars can be replaced with computer chips.

Movie Review Penguins of Madagascar

Penguins of Madagascar (2016) 

Directed by Eric Darnell, Simon J. Smith

Written by Michael Colton, John Aboud 

Starring Tom McGrath, Chris Miller, Christopher Knights, Benedict Cumberbatch, Ken Jeong, John Malkovich

Release Date November 26th, 2016

Published November 27th, 2016

What is the point of reviewing "Penguins of Madagascar?" I know this movie was not made with my particular sensibilities in mind. I could say it's my job to appraise ``Penguins of Madagascar '' and other such films but you know that already and it doesn't really justify the point either; unless you're as deeply concerned about my work obligations as I am. 

So, why do I write about "Penguins of Madagascar?" I don't know, why don't I write something and see if I arrive at a point. That could be fun, or funny or a complete waste of both of our time. 

Skipper, Rico, Kowalski and Private are side characters generated for the series of "Madagascar" cartoons that justified their existence by giving big stars like Ben Stiller and Chris Rock major paychecks that they otherwise might not have gotten. The Penguins then proven to be so winning with audiences that they were spun off for their own TV series on Nickelodeon. I have never seen, nor do I have any knowledge of the cartoon series beyond the fact of its existence. I can assume that because it exists, the Penguins must be popular. 

"Penguins of Madagascar" serves as an origin story for how our four flippered heroes came together and became super secret government agents of some sort. First, we see them as children rescuing the egg that would become Private, the cute one. This will be Private's journey even more than the rest as he attempts to rise from being 'the cute one' to being a valued member of the team, Skipper's favored phrase for praising Rico and Kowalski. 

Private gets his chance to improve his status when the foursome is kidnapped by Dave the Octopus (John Malkovich), a revenge seeking former zoo-mate from the Bronx zoo. Seems everywhere Dave went he briefly became a star before the Penguins showed up, upstaged him with their cuteness, and left him to rot in under-filled tanks with zero adoring fans. Now, Dave wants revenge, not just on our heroes but all Penguins everywhere. 

Attempting to thwart Dave is "North Wind" a super-secret spy organization headed up by Agent Classified (Benedict Cumberbatch) and his team of wild animal heroes that includes the voices of Ken Jeong, Annette Mahendru and Peter Stormare. You will have to see the movie to get the joke about the name Agent Classified, it's a runner and it's kind of amusing. 

I've painted all of the pictures of the plot that are necessary so where do I go from here? How about.... Is "Penguins of Madagascar '' funny? Yeah, kind of. I realize that's not a great answer but this isn't a great movie either. The jokes are groaning familiar from other modern referential and self-aware animated movies. There isn't a great deal to the modest joy of "Penguins of Madagascar '' that you couldn't get from a 500th viewing of "Despicable Me" or any of the "Madagascar '' movies. 

In fact, the more I think of it, the less reason there is for "Penguins of Madagascar '' to exist at all. The animation isn't too far off from a random video game. The humor is derivative, the characters fun and cute but nothing much about them is memorable beyond one of them having the lovingly English tones of Benedict Cumberbatch. The lead performers are all unknown voice actors who are fine to listen to but don't leave much of an impression. 

Ahh, but you ask: Will my kids like it? Probably? It depends how discerning your child is. If you have a kid with some flair and taste he or she will likely squirm through the movie in hopes of getting on to something more worthy of their attention. If you have a kid who just likes pretty colors, loud noise and animals that talk,. then yes, yes that child will likely enjoy, consume and forget "Penguins of Madagascar" in short order. 

So, have I justified writing about "Penguins of Madagascar?"

Movie Review Secretariat

Secretariat (2010) 

Directed by Randall Wallace

Written by Mike Rich, Sheldon Turner

Starring Diane Lane, John Malkovich, Dylan Walsh, James Cromwell, Margo Martindale

Release Date October 8th, 2010

Published October 7th, 2010

“Secretariat” is a shockingly square movie, even by the standards of the modern family movie. There is nothing remotely cool or modestly subversive about “Secretariat,” even as the film is set in 1973 the time of the Vietnam War, the beginnings of the Women's movement and the end of the Nixon Administration.

It was a time, ironically enough, when movies like “Secretariat” were rendered irrelevant by a gang of drug fueled visionaries who today craft blockbusters and award winners and have inspired a new generation of less drug fueled but equally visionary creative types who would sooner adapt videogames to the big screen than look twice at something like Secretariat.

There is nothing wrong with the story of Secretariat, the true story of Penny Tweedy and her amazing super horse which won horse racing's Triple Crown while captivating the sports world. Rather, it's an issue of style and approach, a boring, conventional approach that is crafted to be comfortable, warm and never for a moment cause the audience to do any of that awkward thinking stuff that other better movies do.

No, it's better instead to lull them into a pleasant, popcorn sated stupor than remind them of the actual history of the time in which Secretariat became a needed distraction for a weary nation. Weary of what? The filmmakers would rather you didn't ask.  

Diane Lane stars in “Secretariat” as Penny Tweedy, formerly Penny Chenery, daughter of a famed stable owning family in Virginia. Penny's mother has passed away leaving behind her ailing father (Scott Glenn) and no one to run the family's stables. Returning to Virginia with her impatient husband Jack (Dylan Walsh) and their four cute, indiscernible children, Penny reunites with Miss Hamm (Margo Martindale), her father's loyal secretary, and Eddie Sweatt (Nelson Ellis), the family's long time stable hand.

The return to Virginia finds the family finances bleeding red ink. The only hope is a rather unusual one, a coin toss. Years earlier, Penny's father made a long standing deal with the world's richest man, Ogden Phipps (James Cromwell), their prized horses would breed together and a coin toss would decide which man got his choice of the prize offspring.

Penny may have left her horse knowledge behind when she ditched Virginia for family life in Denver years ago, but her instincts remain and she knows which horse she wants and she knows she wants to lose the coin toss to get it. The scene with Lane and Cromwell is cute and effective and nicely lulls the audience into the overall feel of “Secretariat” a good natured, entirely square movie that would be boring if it weren't so pleasantly clueless.

The key for scenes like the coin toss or the obligatory celebration montages or the obligatory everybody dance and wash the horse scene or the obligatory dramatic roadblock to success scene seems to be the ability of director Randall Wallace to set these scenes without a hint of self consciousness as if no one would notice they are watching a scene of two millionaires flipping coin over who gets a horse. To his astonishing credit, no one in the audience did seem to notice or care. It was all so gentle and pleasant.

There is nary a moment of discord or discomfort in “Secretariat” as the film side steps it's true life setting in the early 1970's by quietly having Penny's daughter Kate (Amanda Mischalka) act out a play of war protest in front of an audience that seemed as passive as the one watching “Secretariat.” It's easily the most pleasant and passive war protest ever brought to the big screen.

One should see “Secretariat” if only for the shots of passive hippies, the somehow non-dope smoking types whose only connection to being a hippie is a hippie uniform, watching and loving Secretariat right alongside the proletariat parents of the film's likely target audience. It's a serene, almost Leave it to Beaver-esque pastiche of what the era would have been like had Dad and the Beav gone into the documentary film business and left out all of the supposed unpleasantness of the time.

The average episode of The Brady Bunch offers a more subversive view of the early 1970's than does “Secretariat.”

Now, before you howl that this is a horse racing movie and not a documentary about the tumultuous year of 1973, I will point out that the film itself brings up Vietnam by having the daughter be a protester, thus opening the vein for my line of criticism of the films portrayal of this actual period in our shared American history.

For the howlers, let's get into the horse racing stuff; it's not bad. Director Wallace takes us into the starting gate and puts us right in the action as the big ol' horses make their sinewy, snorting way around the track. It can come as little surprise that the audience, lulled by the pleasant passivity of the characters and the story, would be compelled to cheer the action of the horse racing scenes.

What was a little surprising was the cheering at the end of each of the races in the film, save the Wood Memorial which Secretariat lost. (If one of you mentions spoiler alert I will come through this computer screen) Secretariat lost the Wood but bounced back to win the Triple Crown in a dominant fashion that would seem to rob the final hour of real tension. Again, I have to credit director Randall Wallace for the effective staging of the racing scenes; they are compelling and even moving, even Secretariat's 30 odd length victory at the Belmont sealing his triple crown.

The racing scenes stand at odds with the rest of “Secretariat” which is depressingly square. Critic Andrew O' Hehir of Salon.com alleges an honest to god, Christian, right wing ideological conspiracy as to why “Secretariat” so blithely ignores the radical elements of its era.  O'Hehir calls the film 'a creepy American myth' and he's not far off. There is what feels like a creepy intent to all of the boring pleasantness of “Secretariat.”

I cannot truly assign any agenda to “Secretariat” however, aside from that of Disney and its desire to make a profitable sports film. “Secretariat” is merely a sports movie directly from the mold of “Miracle” and “The Rookie” and like those films, bled of all life beyond their uplifting finishes and obstacles overcome, Secretariat is a boring, well crafted machine of a sports movie fashioned from the Disney factory floor.

These movies are made with the intent to offend no one and somehow entertain all. They are meant as all things to all audiences and no one can really complain aside from whiny film critics who decry anything that isn’t some challenging drama or quirky indie romance. Hey, wait a minute!

To be serious for a moment; someone at Disney clearly believes that movies can be made that will sell to every possible audience, from red state to blue state. The conventions of the sports movie provide a safe place to try to find that all encompassing audience and with a horse story you can even appeal to women. “Secretariat” even has a female protagonist, a mother of four, women, family audiences, sports fans and kids! Kids like horses and their parents who are tired of cartoons will be able to drag them to the horse movie. Throw in John Malkovich as a clown and you have a movie with the potential to please all.

Sure, all of this market sensitivity makes my soul hurt but Disney is a business not a movie company. One can only guess that if “Secretariat” somehow fails, they will move on to the next soul crunching market driven bit of saccharine sports movie. For now, at least “Secretariat” is pleasant and hey, who needs to think.

Movie Review: Eragon

Eragon (2006) 

Directed by Stefan Wangmeir

Written by Peter Buchman 

Starring Jeremy Irons, John Malkovich, Sienna Guillory, Robert Carlyle

Release Date December 15th, 2006

Published December 15th, 2006

What if you took the Lord of the Rings and removed the visual wonder? Then added the Star Wars mythos without any of the genuine spirit. Why if you did that you would get Eragon a dopey sci-fi fantasy that for good measure throws in the wussiest dragons in movie history on top of it's ludicrous LOTR-Star Wars pretensions.

In some ridiculously under-produced middle ages land; dragons are a dying breed. Only the tyrant king (John Malkovich) has one. However, the king also has a dragon egg which has been stolen by the rebel queen Arya (Sienna Guillory). Though she is quickly captured by the king's top henchmam Durza (Robert Carlyle), she manages to stash the dragon's egg with a farm boy who happens to be the egg's natural master.

Eragon is the farm boy's name and it turns out that it was his destiny to be a dragon rider. With the help of a drifter, and former dragon rider, named Brom (Jeremy Irons), Eragon learns what being a dragon rider is all about. With his dragon Saphira (voice of Rachel Weisz), Eragon must learn to become a magician and a warrior and lead a resistance army against the tyrant king.

It's a story so simple it could have been written by a teenager. In fact, it was written by a teenager. 16 year old Christopher Paolini wrote the novel on which Eragon was based and has written a series of books based on this character. Having never read the books I can't tell you how well they compare to the movie. I can say that I am impressed that 16 year old would have such a great imagination, the movie version could have used a little imagination.

Directed by Stefan Fangmeier, in his debut feature, Eragon is a goofball sci fi fantasy that tells a dopey, Lord of the Rings inspired adventure with half the imagination and little of the visual wonder. The film has pretensions of Star Wars as Brom acts as Eragon's version of Obi Wan Kenobi, including a nobel death, while Garrett Hedlund shows up as wimpy Han Solo clone Murtagh.

Robert Carlyle is an extraordinarily effete version of Darth Maul from Episode 1 and Malkovich chews the scenery as both Darth Vader and Chancellor Palpatine.

Of course Eragon is a bad facsimile of both LOTR and Star Wars but; the film it most resembles is the brutal Dungeons and Dragons movie from 2000. That film at the very least featured dragons with some backbone. The dragon in Eragon is a sensitive girl who can't breath fire for most of the film. I love Rachel Weisz but having her voice a dragon just confirms that this is the wussiest dragon since the original Shrek when the red dragon romanced a donkey.

Eragon is an example of why parody us nearly impossible in this day and age. How can parody something as ludicrous as Eragon. On the surface the film seems ripe for caricature. However, the film is such a travesty in and of itself that parody seems redundant. Check the performance of Robert Carlyle who with his pudgy face and long locks and middle ages dress, looks like the ugliest girl at the prom. His goofy accent and lisp don't help matters much either.

John Malkovich eats the scenery as if his performance was an homage to co-star Jeremy Irons while star Edward Speleers turns in a teary, bleary performance that only Hugh Jackman in The Fountain could truly appreciate. Some critics could fairly point out that both Elijah Wood in LOTR and Mark Hammill in the original Star Wars didn't exactly cut manly heroic figures; but Speleers in Eragon makes both of those actors look like John Wayne in comparison.

Eragon remakes Dungeons and Dragons without the geek cache. The dragons are wimpy, the acting brutal and over the top, and the special effects are worse than anything the legendary Z-movie director Uwe Boll has turned out. If only Eragon had had Uwe Boll behind the camera. That, at the very least, would raise the camp level. Kitsch is really the only thing that could rescue even a few moments of pleasure from this abysmal fantasy.

Movie Review: Changeling

Changeling (2008) 

Directed by Clint Eastwood

Written by J. Michael Straczynski 

Starring Angelina Jolie, John Malkovich, Michael Kelly, Jeffrey Donovan 

Release Date October 24th, 2008

Published October 23rd, 2008 

The title Changeling evokes images of little green aliens. I think director Clint Eastwood is going for alienation but the connection is missed until you actually see the movie. Despite the title Changeling, is really an affecting, thrilling drama featuring a performance by Angelina Jolie that is arguably an early lock for Oscar gold.

Christine Collins never usually worked on Saturdays but with a girl calling in sick and her replacement MIA, she would have to work this Saturday. It was to be the day she took her son Walter to see the new Charlie Chaplin movie. Instead, Christine had to leave her 9 year old little boy home alone. After missing her trolley and having to walk home, she arrived to find her son missing.

The police refused to take a report in the first 24 hours, assuming the kid would turn up. Walter would be missing for 5 months until a break in the case. A little boy found abandoned on DeKalb Illinois claims to be Walter. However, when mother and child are reunited Christine knows the boy is not her son. Bullied into posing for pictures and taking the child home by a PR obsessed detective (Jeffrey Donovan), Christine refuses to admit the child is hers.

Based on the true story of Christine Collins who in 1928 was the victim of a Los Angeles Police Department so desperate for good press coverage that they bullied and cajoled her into taking home a child that was not hers and went out of their way to convince her he was even as all evidence said no. Eventually, the cops tossed Collins in a sanitarium where she met other women who crossed the LAPD.

It's an exceptionally compelling story and in the hands of a master like Eastwood the plot is transcendent. There are several moments in Changeling that will absolutely take your breath away. Most movies can barely manage one breathtaking, edge of your seat moment, Eastwood has at least three. One is glimpsed in the trailer and nearly pulls an out of context tear.

Another is a perfectly thrown punch and still another is a classic courtroom scene that acts as a collective catharsis for nearly 2 solid hours of breath holding tension. There is no gotcha moment, no simple twists, no hand of god, just great actors with great material and a director who orchestrates it all to near perfection.

I cannot say enough about Angelina Jolie's transformative performance. Jolie takes everything audiences have known about her and turns them on it's ear. Aside from those legendary lips, in bright red here, Jolie plays totally against type as a meek, mousy single mom. Yes, she grows into a character we recognize as Angelina Jolie but early on as she effects the voice of a woman for whom speech is a desperate effort, you can't help but be blown away that you are watching the star of Wanted and Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Even her characters in A Mighty Heart and her Oscar winning turn in Girl Interrupted do not compare to the highly original work Jolie delivers in Changeling.

The title sounds very Invasion of the Body Snatchers but the movie is truly a moving, often breathtaking drama. Far from one of Eastwood's masterpieces but still a work that shames most other directors. Changeling meanders from time to time and fudges some character motivations but with three scenes of truly devastating emotional power and an overall hypnotic air, there is far more to recommend Changeling than to nitpick.

Movie Review Knockaround Guys

Knockaround Guys (2002) 

Directed by Brian Koppelman

Written by David Levien 

Starring Barry Pepper, Dennis Hopper, Vin Diesel, John Malkovich, Seth Green

Release Date October 11th, 2002 

Published October 10th, 2002 

Knockaround Guys has a unique history. The film began as a chance to capitalize on some of Hollywood’s hot young talent with a post Soprano’s/Goodfella’s Gangster movie. However after being delayed for over a year and a half and the momentum of the Soprano’s fueled gangster chick having dissipated, Knockaround Guys is now the bastard movie of a studio looking to clear its shelves and cut its losses. It’s a shame because it’s not that bad a film, not bad enough to deserve the hand it’s been dealt.

Barry Pepper stars as Matty Demaret, son of a gangster named Benny Chains (Dennis Hopper). Matty’s last name is very well known making it difficult for him to find legitimate work. Matty lost his chance to join the family business when he was 12 years old and he couldn’t finish a hit on a stool pigeon that his Uncle Teddy (John Malkovich) wants him to kill to prove he is ready. After his most recent failure at getting a real job, Matty decides to enter the family business. With the help of his crew he calls the Knockaround Guys, Taylor (Vin Diesel), Marbles (Seth Green) and Scarpa (Andrew Davoli).

Matty takes a job retrieving a bag of cash from friends in Washington state. Not wanting his name to cause problems, Matty sends Marbles, who flies his own plane, to get the bag. Of course there are complications, Marbles stops to refuel in a small Montana town and loses the bag of cash. With his and his fathers lives on the line, Matty gathers his crew and goes to Montana to get the money. In Montana, a corrupt local sheriff has the money and is intent on keeping it.

What I liked about Knockaround Guys is that it’s not what you're expecting. You go in expecting big action and fight scenes and what you get are well fleshed out characters and performances.

Quote me on this, Barry Pepper will someday win an Oscar, not for this film but somewhere down the road. Pepper has a fantastic presence that commands attention, strong eyes and a confident delivery even when forced into goomba dialogue that doesn’t ring true. Vin Diesel shows once again that he is a star. In this film Diesel does the acting that he left out of XXX and shows that, if allowed to act rather than react, he can pull it off. Seth Green however is woefully miscast. His light comedic instincts disrupt a story that would like to be taken seriously.

Green’s performance is a microcosm of what is wrong with Knockaround Guys. The film is unable to balance the at-times broad comedy with its more serious gangster story. The humor should come from the character's personalities but instead it comes from the script and comes off as unnatural.

Director’s Brian Koppelman and David Levien, who also penned the script, have the opportunity to make a new generation gangster movie. Unfortunately, they blow it with unnecessary comedy that blows the tone of the film and renders the film’s more serious moments difficult to take seriously. Still, the performances of Pepper and Diesel are strong enough for me to partially recommend Knockaround Guys.

Movie Review Mile 22

Mile 22 (2018) 

Directed by Peter Berg 

Written by Lea Carpenter 

Starring Mark Wahlberg. Iko Uwais, Ronda Rousey, John Malkovich

Release Date August 17th, 2018 

Published August 16th, 2018 

Mile 22 is some hot, flaming, garbage as a movie. I’m shocked that such a mess could feature the talent of Peter Berg behind the camera and Mark Wahlberg in front of it. Not that they are no stranger to nonsense, they did make Lone Survivor together, a film that amounted to the Black Knight from Monty Python written as a soldier in Afghanistan, but that film is Die Hard compared to the ludicrous, chaotic, rubbish that is Mile 22.

Mark Wahlberg, sort of stars in Mile 22 as James Silva, a CIA operative. I say 'sort of' because the performance is so unhinged and disconnected that it is hard to say if he is fully aware of what is happening in the movie. Wahlberg seems far more invested in the idea that his character is a troubled super-genius than in the plot which has him leading a team that broke up a Russian spy ring in an American suburb and is now in some foreign locale following up on what they found.

The plot kicks in when Li Noor (Iko Uwais from The Raid franchise), drives right up to the American Embassy and presents evidence that could lead to the discovery of a cache of some deadly poison. However, he won’t give up the evidence, one of those Hollywood encrypted computer disks that even the world’s great hackers can’t hack, (Gah!), until Wahlberg agrees to take him to America and away from the people trying to kill him.

Uwais is a tremendous physical performer and he gets one truly spectacular fight scene that demonstrates that but his casting appears to be little more than a marketing attempt to evoke the worldwide success of The Raid and The Raid 2. Uwais is supposed to be desperate yet duplicitous and yet his blank-eyed stare only ever looks tired when he’s supposed to seem menacing or slightly untrustworthy. He’s checked out in only a slightly different way than Wahlberg it would appear.

Poor Ronda Rousey makes her film debut in Mile 22 and it’s rather embarrassing. Rousey plays Sam, one of Wahlberg’s lieutenants, and while she’s believably a badass, she is cringe inducing when attempting dialogue. Saddled with an expository scene with co-star Lauren Cohan, Rousey mumbles her way through a wince inducing exchange where she seemed about as natural as a mixed martial artist in a mud wrestling competition.

Mile 22 appears to have been edited with an eye toward satisfying absolutely no one. The film is hard to watch at times as Berg and his team slash cut from perspective shots to security camera footage in the most jarring fashion possible. Berg favors odd angles as well and thus the editing combined with the cantilevered angles and too loud soundtrack obscure the action and assault the senses all at once.

I have always disliked Berg’s fantasy approach to supposedly realistic action. His Lone Survivor with Wahlberg a few years ago had a real life story to tell but the violence was so cartoonish it obliterated the real life story. The stars of Lone Survivor may have been real life heroes but Berg’s cartoonish exploitation of their real life struggle rendered those men like animated caricatures, bulletproof and apparently made of rubber and steel rather than flesh and bone.

That same cartoonish violence and amping of the stakes beyond the point of believability is present in Mile 22 as well. Each character in Mile 22 suffers through a scene where they are injured to a degree that would be unsurvivable by an actual human being. And then, when they aren’t defying the ability of the human body, the odds are so heavily stacked against the survival  of our heroes that that we can’t help but laugh and wonder just how dumb or bad at their job the bad guys must be for the heroes to survive.

I don't understand how Mile 22 came to be. Mark Wahlberg and Peter Berg are a good team of director and actor. The last two Berg-Wahlberg movies, Patriot's Day and Deepwater Horizon, are legitimately good movies. Patriot's Day was one of the better movies of 2016, a legitimately emotionally involving action movie about the real life Boston Marathon bombing that felt visceral and alive. Here however, both director and leading man appear to be paycheck players who do not care a lick about the movie they're making or how remarkably bad that movie is. 

So, why is this movie called Mile 22? I am legitimately wondering why this movie is called Mile 22? I watched all of Mile 22, or what my mind could take before I had to look away to shake off the latest assault on my senses, and I still have no idea what the title is about. Perhaps it was a production title and they simply didn’t bother to change it? That would fit with how little anyone appears to care about the quality of Mile 22, one of the worst movies of 2018.

Movie Review: Burn After Reading

Burn After Reading (2008) 

Directed by The Coen Brothers 

Written by The Coen Brothers 

Starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, Tilda Swinton, Richard Jenkins 

Release Date September 12th, 2008 

Published September 11th, 2008 

As a way of cleaning the fictional blood off their hands, Joel and Ethan Coen followed their Oscar nominated, blood-soaked masterpiece Fargo with the brilliant, offbeat comedy The Big Lebowski, a movie so wonderfully fun and gentle it could heal even the darkest mind. This same pattern plays out for the Coen's again with the back to back, triumph of opposites, No Country For Old Men and Burn After Reading. After going dark and broody, for an Oscar win, the Coen's did another 180 and deliver arguably their silliest, giddiest effort to date.

In Washington D.C a CIA analyst, Osbourne Cox (John Malkovich), has just been fired. In a fit of pique he tells his wife Katie (Tilda Swinton) he wasn't fired he quit. Osbourne plans on writing his memoirs, though his wife wonders, to his face, who would want to read that? Naturally, the wife is cheating on him. She is cheating with someone sunnier and far less complicated, a doofus federal marshal named Harry (George Clooney) who likes to jog after sex.

On a different planet yet somehow the same movie are Linda (Frances McDormand) and Chad (Brad Pitt). Best friends and employees of the same cookie cutter franchise gym, Linda is desperate for plastic surgery that is beyond both her means and necessity and Chad is basically along for the ride, his good nature being all that bonds him to the story.

Banging these two universes together is the discovery of a computer disc at the gym that contains Osbourne's memoirs filled with CIA secrets that Linda and Chad believe will be worth money to Cox and if not Cox maybe the Russians. Watching everything in permanent apoplexy are the CIA brass played by David Rasche and J.K Simmons who manages to bring his dad from Juno and his Spider-Man newspaper boss together for another brilliant supporting turn.

The bonds of these characters deepen in ways that are entirely contrived but who cares when we are all having such a good time. Joel and Ethan Coen establish a tone of such wonderful goofball whimsy in Burn After Reading that one forgets to fact check the movie as it goes along to make sure everything makes sense.

I have a theory about the Coen Brothers and George Clooney. After three movies together in which Clooney has become more and more of a doofus, it's clear the Coen's enjoy taking one of the world's handsomest actors and making him a fool. Like the kids picked on in High School taking their psychic revenge on the most popular kid in school, the Coen's appear to revel in making Clooney the fool and he appears to be having a ball doing it. 

The Coens make similar magic with Brad Pitt, taking another of People Magazine's Sexiest Men Alive and turning him into a himbo doofus to wonderful comic effect. Brad Pitt is hilarious as an airhead who has no awareness of his own ludicrous attractiveness. There is a subtext to the way the Coen's use both Clooney and Pitt, cleverly twisting the cool, charismatic personas of both actors into something wild, strange and hilarious all at once. 

Burn After Reading is a good natured, if occasionally dark and violent, little comedy. The Coen's can't seem to escape a slight body count and yet they still manage to keep things on a ludicrously, deliriously bright and funny tone. Burn After Reading has some faulty bits of logic and a couple of plot holes and contrivances that would come to light under more scrutiny but who cares. The point of Burn After Reading is just being hilarious. 

The Coen Brothers do such a terrific job of distracting us with goofiness and good nature that we forget the plot, the motivations, even the surprising amount of violence. The film is R-rated for violence and for something that Clooney's character builds that will either make you gasp or laugh uncontrollably. Either way, that scene alone with a smiling Clooney and a curious McDormand is worth the price of admission.