Classic Movie Review So I Married an Ax Murderer

So I Married an Ax Murderer (1993) 

Directed by Thomas Schlamme 

Written by Robbie Fox

Starring Mike Myers, Nancy Travis, Anthony LaPaglia, Brenda Fricker, Alan Arkin 

Release Date July 30th, 1993 

Published August 4th, 2023 

I feel like I should like the movie So I Married an Ax Murderer. I have the impression of the movie as a light hearted romp with a true crime twist. It sounds charming in description: Nice guy meets a woman who happens to have a bad history with men who disappear after marrying her. There are things about it that sound like a fun twist on the true crime and rom-com genre. And yet, every time I try watching So I Married an Ax Murderer, the film sets off the pedantic, cranky side of my personality. I like to think of myself as a pretty chill, relatively relaxed guy, but when I watch So I Married an Ax Murderer, my skin crawls and I get easily irritated. 

So I Married an Ax Murderer stars Mike Myers as Charlie. Charlie is a poet in San Francisco. Is being a poet in a coffee shop his job? He doesn't appear to have any other means of support so I guess that's what we are supposed to believe. Through Charlie's poetry, set to the beat of improvised jazz, we learn that Charlie is finicky about women. His most recent break up was dubiously related to his belief that his ex-girlfriend stole his cat. Charlie's best friend, a police detective, Tony (Anthony LaPaglia), believes Charlie is too hard on the women he dates and too picky about minor flaws they may or may not have. He thinks Charlie is simply afraid of commitment. 

This notion will be put to the test when Charlie meets Harriet (Nancy Travis), a beautiful woman who seems to speak his strange comic language. The two vibe over Charlie helping Harriet on a tough and busy day at her family Butcher Shop. Charlie's Dad, also played by Myers, was also a Butcher back in the day so Charlie volunteers to work for Harriet as a way to get the chance to hit on her all day. The two flirt mercilessly, mostly via various cuts of meat, I am in cringing just thinking about this scene. I can't help it. I kept thinking, this is her place of business, she's busy with a line of customers, and this guy is doing meat based schtick. She encourages it, but I only find that equally frustrating. 

The meaty flirtation leads to the two spending the night together and helps Charlie locate the first red flag about this new relationship. Harriet has a habit of talking and moaning in her sleep while talking about someone named Ralph. When confronted about Ralph, Harriet doesn't want to talk about it. Nor does Harriet want to talk about any aspect of her past, especially the number of times she's previously been married. By coincidence, Charlie's mom (Brenda Fricker), shows him a copy of the Weekly World News tabloid which has a story about a marrying serial killer who seduces and kills husbands. The pattern matches with some of Harriet's backstory and Charlie begins to end the relationship. 

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review Annabelle Creation

Annabelle Creation (2017) 

Directed by David F. Sandberg 

Written by Gary Dauberman 

Starring Stephanie Stigman, Talitha Bateman, Lulu Wilson, Anthony La Paglia, Miranda Otto

Release Date August 11th, 2023 

I tried, I really did. I tried to give Annabelle: Creation the benefit of the doubt. I tried to go with the idiot premise that demons possess dolls and small children and are capable of massive amounts of destruction and horror but are constantly thwarted by locked, wooden doors. I gave this movie the chance to explain where the Annabelle doll that has been passed down from the equally silly The Conjuring movies came from and how it came to be a cursed item. I tried, but nothing in the movie convinced me why it was frightening, suspenseful or even mildly discomforting.

Annabelle Creation is intended as the origin story for the doll that we’ve seen locked away in the home Ed and Lorraine Warren, the heroes/real-life con-artists, from The Conjuring movies. Indeed, Annabelle is creepy looking but not in a menacing way — more of a, "Why did anyone think this would be attractive to anyone?" sort of way. Seriously, what child would ever want to own a two and a half foot tall, bug-eyed, pig-tailed, proto-dummy like Annabelle? If you’re thinking that Annabelle: Creation might answer that question you are sorely mistaken.

After we are introduced to the tragic backstory of the man who created the Annabelle doll, played dutifully by a disinterested Anthony La Paglia, we are thrust several years into the future where La Paglia and his now bed-ridden wife, played by a slumming-for-a-paycheck Miranda Otto, have taken in half a dozen orphans and their Nun caretaker, Sister Charlotte (Stephanie Sigman). We already know this is a terrible idea because we know what movie we are seeing; the girls meanwhile are about to go through the motions of the plot and try to convince us we haven’t seen all of this before.

Find my full length review at Horror.Media 

Movie Review Lantana

Lantana (2002) 

Directed by Ray Lawrence

Written by Andrew Bovell 

Starring Anthony LaPaglia, Barbara Hershey, Kerry Armstrong, Russell Dykstra

Release Date March 8th, 2002 

Published May 21st, 2002 

For those of you with no knowledge of Australian shrubbery, and unwillingness to grab a dictionary, the title of the film Lantana will be a complete mystery. Even watching the film I had no idea what lantana is. I though it was going to be a character’s name. I come to find out it is a form of shrub native to Australia that is a prickly mass, difficult to navigate, with a foul odor, but also containing small, beautiful flowers. The title now makes sense as this sticky, foul, yet beautiful plant is a perfect metaphor for the relationships portrayed in the film Lantana.

Anthony LaPaglia stars as Detective Leon Zat. Leon is married, though not quite happily, to Sonja (Kerry Armstrong) who is oblivious at first to her marital problems. The audience is clued in quickly as we are introduced to Leon's one-night stand Jane (Rachel Blake). Leon and Jane met at a dance class Leon was taking with his wife that was supposed to get them to be closer. Seeing that the dance classes aren't working, Sonja begins seeing a psychiatrist named Valerie played by Barbara Hershey. Valerie is a good psychiatrist but still has problems with her own marriage to John (Geoffrey Rush). It seems that another client of Valerie's, a gay man who is carrying on an affair with a married man, has got Valerie thinking her own husband may be the married man in question.

Also on the periphery of this story are Jane's neighbors Nik and Paula (Vince Colosimo and Daniella Fanucci) and Jane's ex-husband Pete. Each of those smaller roles become more pivotal after the murder of one of the lead characters.

Lantana at this point could have become a typical suspense genre police procedural with LaPaglia's detective becoming some rogue cop on the edge of the law. Director Ray Lawrence however refuses to rollover into genre convention. Instead, the murder is used to deepen the emotional elements of the interaction between the remaining characters.

Anthony LaPaglia has never been better. Sure he has played a cop a thousand times but this time it's not about being a cop, it's about dialogue and characterization. LaPaglia shines in a role that if “Hollywoodized,” would meltdown into dull melodrama.

Adapted from the stage play Speaking in Tongues by Andrew Bovell, Lantana is a powerful meditation on the complexities of marriage and all other relationships for that matter. The film is about the ridiculous games we play with people trying to show them our best face. Sometimes you lie, sometimes you tell half the truth or maybe you just tell someone what you think they want to here in order to avoid confrontation. These little games we've all played at one time are what Lantana lays bare in a way that is hard to watch at times.

The film isn't perfect, it's pacing is glacial and the title while properly metaphorical, is never explained, which I found distracting.

The overall intent of the film is very clear and its insight on relationships makes clear what’s wrong with a very similar film, Ed Burns's Sidewalks of New York. Sidewalks, with it's superficial dialogue and shallow characters, is the antithesis of Lantana. Sadly, Sidewalks is also the “Hollywoodized” version of Lantana. 

Movie Review Empire Records

Empire Records (1995)

Directed by Allan Moyle 

Written by Carol Heikkinen 

Starring Liv Tyler, Renee Zellweger, Robin Tunney, Debi Mazar, Anthony LaPaglia, Rory Cochrane 

Release Date September 22nd, 1995 

Published September 21st, 2015

Sugar High

Sometimes you love a movie beyond any rational reasoning. This movie speaks to you in a way that it does not speak to anyone else. The film speaks to something personal for you and regardless of objective viewers that find flaw the film is strangely perfect in your mind. “Empire Records” is one of those movies for me; I love it beyond my ability to weigh its quality objectively.

“Empire Records” tells the story of nearly a dozen characters over one truly eventful day. We begin the night before the big day. Lucas (Rory Cochrane) has been given the rare honor of closing Empire Records for the day. It’s a simple task, count the money and don’t touch any of the boss’s beer, cigars or his drum kit. Lucas will violate each of these rules before absconding with the day’s take of more than 9 grand and heading off to Atlantic City.

Record Town

Lucas’s heart was in the right place. You see, Joe (Anthony La Paglia)  is being forced to give up the store and let it become a ‘Record Town;’ a lame chain store with rules that will likely mean the firing of all of Lucas’s friends and co-workers. He’d hoped that a good night in A.C would earn the money to buy the store and save everybody’s job. Instead, he loses everything and sets the table for a very long day.

The following morning Joe arrives at Empire to confused calls from his bank and an angry call from his boss Mitchell (Ben Bode) wondering where the money is. Meanwhile, Lucas has disappeared and A.J (Johnny Whitworth) is pestering Joe for advice about telling Corey (Liv Tyler) that, after 5 years working together, he’s in love with her.

Rex Manning Day

Corey meanwhile has other things on her mind than poor, heartsick A.J. Today is ‘Rex Manning Day’ at Empire Records and Corey intends on giving her virginity to the washed up pop star, played with oozing smarmy charisma by “Grease 2” star Maxwell Caulfield. Corey is egged on by her best friend Gina (Renee Zellweger) a girl who knows a little something about throwing herself at boys. Gina is the smutty yin to Corey’s innocent yang.

In another of the film’s subplots Robin Tunney plays goth goddess Debra who makes a splashy first impression arriving at work with a full head of hair before shaving herself bald in the bathroom. She also has a bandage on her wrist from a failed suicide attempt that may or may not have something to do with her relationship with Berko (Coyote Shivers) a fellow employee and wannabe rock star.

Special Appearance by 'Warren Beatty' 

Rounding out the cast is Debi Mazar as Rex Manning’s unhappy assistant, Ethan Embry as the gregarious metal head Mark, Kimo Willis as vinyl connoisseur Eddie and Brendon Sexton, now one of the stars of the stellar AMC mystery series “The Killing,” as a shoplifter who claims the name Warren Beatty after getting caught stealing. None of these characters has much of a character arc but each is given a moment and each takes full, entertaining advantage of it.

This wonderful ensemble gels perfectly under the direction of Allen Moyle who’s best remembered for the 1990 teen angst drama “Pump up the Volume” and the 1980 teen comedy “Times Square.” Moyle never had a real hit movie but his contribution in the world of movie soundtracks cannot be diminished.

Pump up the Volume

Moyle’s soundtrack for “Pump up the Volume” introduced a generation to the odd qualities of Leonard Cohen on the same soundtrack as Richard Hell, Bad Brains with Henry Rollins, the Beastie Boys and Sonic Youth. The soundtrack to Moyle’s “Times Square” may have been the reason that film was made at all. That soundtrack included Joe Jackson, The Cars and, most notably, the first U.S appearance by The Cure.

Naturally, the “Empire Records” soundtrack is also packed with great music. The Cranberries, Evan Dando, Gin Blossoms, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Edwin Collins and Cracker each contributed a song as did star Coyote Shivers whose song “Sugar High” is also performed in the film with additional vocals by Renee Zellweger.

A Musical Interlude

Not included on the soundtrack but in the film itself is music from The The, Dire Straits, Throwing Muses and AC/DC. There are times when Empire Records stops for a momentary musical interlude. The cast dances and sings along for a moment and then we are back into the story. It’s awkward at times but also appropriate, this is a record store after all, there had better be some great tunes.

I love the music and the musical interludes of “Empire Records.” As ridiculously indulgent as the music moments are, I am drawn to them because the cast is drawn to them. I want to be a part of their fun. That’s why I love “Empire Records,” it’s a harmless fantasy about what you wish work could be, friends listening to music, occasionally dancing, falling in love and generally having a good time.

Rock n' Roll Fantasy

Empire Records is my fantasy workplace filled with hot babes like Liv Tyler and Renee Zellweger and mentors like Rory Cochrane’s Zen weirdo and Anthony La Paglia’s inconceivably loyal boss. I want to work with these people and love with these people and join their independent family and listen to music with them.

My love for Empire Records is irrational from a critical perspective; I could find flaw with the filmmaking and storytelling if I wanted but I choose not to. It’s just one of those movies that slips past my guard and reaches a place in my heart that is beyond rationality. I’m sure you have an “Empire Records” of your own.