Movie Review Peter Rabbit

Peter Rabbit (2018) 

Directed by Will Gluck

Written by Ron Lieber, Will Gluck

Starring Rose Byrne, Domhnall Gleeson, James Corden, Daisy Ridley, Margot Robbie, Elizabeth Debicki

Release Date February 9th, 2018 

Peter Rabbit is the latest in a long line of kids movies based on dignified and beloved works of children’s fiction that replaces the dignity with shrill, unfunny modernity. Peter Rabbit takes Beatrix Potter’s lovely rabbit stories and wipes it’s furry feet on them with a terrible pop soundtrack and sub-Home Alone style gags so jarringly violent you begin to wonder if they belong in a kid's flick.

Peter Rabbit (James Corden) is a mischievous, blue jacket-wearing rabbit who enjoys wreaking havoc in the garden of Mr. McGregor (Sam Neill). That is, until one day when Mr. McGregor up and dies while attempting to kill Peter. No, that’s not something I am making up for effect; the guy dies in the first ten minutes. The death is played with comic effect, but it is a nonetheless dark way to start the movie.

Peter and his family, including Cotton Tail (Daisy Ridley), Flopsy (Margot Robbie), Mopsy (Elizabeth Debicki) and Benjamin (Colin Moody) then take over Mr. McGregor’s home and garden on the assumption they have won the place. They throw a party for their comically anthropomorphized animal buddies and begin to wonder where this adventure will take them next.

Meanwhile, in London, Thomas McGregor (Domnhall Gleeson) has just found out that he did not get his prized promotion at Harrods Department Store and went a little mad. Fired, he finds that his long forgotten Uncle has left him a country cottage. With nothing else to do, he heads for the country and sparks up a rivalry with Peter and his family while he attempts to rebuild the cottage and sell it.

Find  my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal.Find  my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. 

Movie Review Becks

Becks (2018) 

Directed by Daniel Powell 

Written by Elizabeth Rohrbaugh 

Starring Lena Hall, Mena Suvari, Christine Lahti, Dan Fogler 

Release Date January 2018 

Becks is a wildly charming romantic drama about a woman who goes back to her hometown following a bad break up. Lena Hall stars in the film as Becks and while her story is familiar, her character is wholly original. Hall is funny, smart, sexy and original and if you can get around the familiarity of the storytelling tropes, you will really love this character and her journey.

When we meet Becks she is about to leave New York City for Los Angeles with her longtime girlfriend. The girlfriend has been invited to be part of a reality show for up-and-coming singers and is leaving for L.A early to set up their new home. However, when Becks finally arrives at her supposed new home, she finds her girlfriend has been cheating on her.

With no place to go and little money, Becks has no choice but to return to her hometown of St. Louis where her mother, Ann, played by Christine Lahti, is waiting to take her in. Ann, a former nun, has been trying to be open and accepting of her daughter’s lifestyle, but we can sense the tension between the two almost immediately. Thankfully, her old friend Dave (Dan Fogler) is there to be supportive and give her his bar to perform in.

It is while performing in Dave’s bar that Becks meets Elyse (Mena Suvari). Elyse happens to be the wife of her former High School bully, Mitch (Darren Richie), or Mitch the Bitch, as she used to call him. Mitch once attempted to out Becks at a High School dance, even before Becks herself knew she was gay. This slight has lingered for over a decade even as Mitch has now become a respected and friendly presence around town.

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Movie Review Fifty Shades Freed

Fifty Shades Freed (2018)

Directed by James Foley

Written by Niall Leonard 

Starring Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Rita Ora, Luke Grimes, Victor Rasuk, Jennifer Ehle, Marcia Gay Harden

Release Date February 9th, 2018 

Female sexuality remains a barrier for many men. Think about it, we still have laws in many places in this country that REQUIRES half the population to wear a shirt when they go outside, because apparently boobs have some mysterious and dangerous power to them. This is reflected in modern movie culture which, despite having gone through periods marked by movies like Last Tango in Paris and 9 and ½ Weeks, has somehow become more uptight.

This, I believe, explains part of the fascination and cultish devotion surrounding E.L James’ 'Fifty Shades' franchise. Despite what are some obvious flaws in the storytelling, the freedom of Anastasia Grey’s sexuality, in the movies at least, if not the books which I have refused to read, marks a departure from most of modern popular culture. Dakota Johnson’s assured and enjoyed nudity may happen in the form of an insipid pop melodrama but taken on its own context, it’s among the most mature displays of sexuality in modern popular culture.

This brings us to the latest film in the 'Fifty Shades' franchise, Fifty Shades Freed. I will not argue that Fifty Shades Freed is a good movie; it’s most certainly not, from the perspective of just being a movie. However, as a ripe and rare display of female sexuality, again, apart from the book which I have heard is less kind to the Anastasia character than the movies, all credit to Dakota Johnson.

Fifty Shades Freed picks up the story of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) at their wedding, a surprisingly austere affair. We are thrust immediately into the nuptials which aren’t nearly as lavish as you’d imagine; especially when compared to the rest of the movie which is little more than architecture porn. Ana and Christian seem to have reached a place of mutuality though his jealousy is easily peaked, as when Ana decides to go topless in San Tropez.

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Movie Review Winchester The House that Ghosts Built

Winchester The House That Ghosts Built (2018) 

Directed by The Spierig Brothers 

Written by Tom Vaughn, The Spierig Brothers 

Starring Helen Mirren, Jason Clarke, Sarah Snook 

Release Date February 2nd, 2018 

Winchester is yet another silly ghost movie. Despite a cast headed by Helen Mirren, Winchester—subtitled as The House that Ghosts Built—skulks about re-enacting ghost tropes with bad lighting and cinematography, all building toward the same jump scares we’ve seen in every other ghost movie. How predictable are the jump scares in Winchester? All you have to do is remember the rule of three and you will not be surprised.

The Winchester family started the Winchester Repeating Arms company in the mid-1800s to remarkable success. Success, however, is not the word that Sarah Winchester (Mirren) would associate with her husband’s creation. The Winchester Rifle is an instrument of death, arguably the best ever invented, but you would have to be of an odd mind to consider that successful.

Though Sarah and her family enjoy the spoils of their family creation, she has the good taste to feel bad about it. However, when it seems that her grief is manifesting as a belief in ghosts and haunted goings on, executives at the rifle company decide that she is perhaps not well enough to continue as the head of the company. In order to assess Sarah’s mental health, they employ Dr. Eric Pierce (Jason Clarke).

Like any protagonist in a ghost movie, Dr. Pierce has a tragic backstory. Several years prior to the setting of our story, Dr. Pierce died…only briefly. Dr. Pierce was shot and nearly killed by his mentally ill wife, and this association with death is why Sarah Winchester allowed him to be the doctor to assess her well-being. Dr. Pierce travels to California and to Sarah’s bizarre mansion, which has remained under constant, 24-hours-a-day construction since the day it was built.

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Movie Review Just Charlie

Just Charlie (2018) 

Directed by Rebekah Fortune

Written by Peter Machen 

Starring Harry Gilby, Scot Williams, Mark Carter 

Release Date January 26th, 2019 

Just Charlie left me an emotional mess. This story about a boy realizing that he is a girl is one of the most emotional experiences that I have had watching a movie. I like to believe that I am an ally to people like Charlie and most certainly am in my heart. Just Charlie, however, reminded me that I have so much to learn and to understand about the experience of someone who is struggling to be whom they really are.

Just Charlie stars young Harry Gilby as Charlie, a standout football/soccer player with a chance to move on to Premiere League. He’s being recruited and his father, Paul (Scot Williams), is over the moon about his son’s success. Paul was a footballer as a young man, but injuries left him unable to succeed in the way Charlie can and like so many struggling fathers, he’s trying to live his dream through his son.

Charlie, however, has a secret; he’s a woman. I apologize as I am going to get the pro-nouns wrong which is not something an ally is supposed to do. It’s part of my learning process. If I use an incorrect term in reference to Charlie, please know that I am working on it. The early scenes of Harry Gilby’s performance are incredibly moving. I worried for a moment that the film was perhaps too invasive, voyeuristic, but soon the film finds just the right balance between respecting Charlie and letting us into her mind.

Things have been very easy me throughout my life. I am a straight, white, male, who has never had to struggle with my identity or with the mindless scorn of mindless people. Watching Charlie struggle and fight within and without floored me. I was always aware of this struggle, and I have seen it portrayed in other works, but something about this teenage girl, this child, having to feel like this and feel so confused and alone, broke my heart into a million pieces.

Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. 

Movie Review Maze Runner: The Death Cure

Maze Runner: The Death Cure (2018) 

Directed by Wes Ball 

Written by T.S Nowlin 

Starring Dylan O'Brien, Kaya Scodelario, Thomas Brodie Sangster, Giancarlo Esposito, Aiden Gillen

Release Date January 26th, 2018 

The problem with the first two movies in The Maze Runner franchise was simple mediocrity and blandness. The films weren’t terrible, they weren’t poorly made; the movies’ just didn’t leave much of an impression. The expansive, bland but handsome teen cast was too large and not well developed enough as individuals to be memorable and lead Dylan O’Brien wasn’t bad either but the script did him few favors.

Now that we arrive at the final movie in the franchise, Maze Runner: The Death Cure, we get the first genuinely bad entry in the series. The Death Cure is an utterly moronic and misguided action movie that relies heavily on you remembering the two previous movies which may not have been terrible but were far from memorable. And on top of the homework the producers expect you to do in order to follow the plot; the film is 2 hours and 25 tedious minutes long.

Maze Runner: The Death Cure opens with an incredibly poorly staged action sequence. Our hero Thomas (O’Brien) and his allies are attacking a train owned by the evil, post-apocalyptic corporation WCKD, pronounced Wicked. I assume the evil corporation is called Wicked just in case the audience is dumb enough not to realize who the bad guys are.

Thomas and his team are here to rescue their friend Minho (Ki Hong Lee) whose name changes at least seven times throughout the movie, depending on which character is talking. I’m not kidding; at various points in the movie, Minho is called Minnow, Mean-Ho, and Meano. My best guess is that his name is pronounced Min-Ho but I can’t be sure about that. I spent a good deal of time considering the name because I had little else holding my interest.

Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. 

Movie Review 12 Strong

12 Strong (2018) 

Directed by Nicolai Fuglsig 

Written by Ted Tally, Peter Craig 

Starring Chris Hemsworth, Michael Shannon, Michael Pena, Trevante Rhodes

Release Date January 19th, 2018 

The story of the Horse Soldiers of Afghanistan in the wake of the September 11th attack is pretty damn remarkable. As told in 12 Strong, 12 American soldiers became the first American soldiers to hit back at al Qaeda by riding horses over some of the roughest terrain on the planet and taking the fight to the enemy in a way that hadn’t been seen since Roosevelt and The Rough Riders.

Based on a true story, Chris Hemsworth plays Captain Mitch Nelson who was recently moved to a desk job just before September 11th, 2001. Nelson had to plead with his superiors to be reunited with his team of Green Berets so that he could lead them in Afghanistan. Michael Shannon plays Chief Cal Spencer, Nelson’s second in command who manages to convince their superiors to bring Nelson back.

Nelson, Spencer and their 10-man squad arrive in Afghanistan where they convince Col. John Mulholland (William Fichtner) that they can do in three weeks, prior to the brutal Afghan winter, what the other teams could do in six weeks. It’s a bold and dangerous plan that will require Nelson and his team to not only directly engage the Taliban and al Qaeda fighters but also act as diplomats trying to keep the supposed "Northern Alliance" from crumbling before they reach their objective.

The Northern Alliance in Afghanistan was made up of three different warlords who were as eager to fight each other as to fight the Taliban. Nelson and his team are embedded with General Abdul Rashid Dostum (David Negahban). Those who follow world news closely will recognize that name as he is currently the Vice President of Afghanistan, and 12 Strong gives a strong indication as to how he has arrived in his place in the world.

Find my full length review in the Serve Community on Vocal Find my full length review in the Serve Community on Vocal 

Movie Review Forever My Girl

Forever My Girl (2018) 

Directed by Bethany Ashton Wolf 

Written by Bethany Ashton Wolf 

Starring Jessica Rothe, Alex Roe 

Release Date January 19th, 2018 

Woof! Forever My Girl is a bad movie. This pseudo-Nicholas Sparks romance about a country music star who walked out on his wedding day and never went back to his hometown for seven years never, never rises above mediocre. Unfortunately, our lead character Liam wasn’t aware when he left that he had a daughter on the way. When a friend dies, he decides to return home for the funeral and finds out about the secrets he left behind.

That all sounds like a potentially good story, but as executed in Forever My Girl, it’s really terrible. Alex Roe stars as country music star Liam Page and I will give him this, he can sing. Beyond his pleasant voice, however, Roe is a void where charisma is supposed to be. Roe is just a hair above somnambulant in his energy level, even in the film’s most emotionally charged moments.

It doesn’t help that Jessica Rothe, recently of the far better, far more fun and exciting Happy Death Day, blows Roe off of the screen. Rothe, playing Josie, the film’s love interest, working through some of the most leaden dialogue and dull characterization, at the very least, brings some life to her performance. I think Rothe is a future star but she needs to avoid making movies like Forever My Girl, where her star qualities are dimmed by having to play down to her co-star and the material.

The story of Forever My Girl, as I mentioned, has potential to work but as presented by director Bethany Ashton Wolf, in her first feature in 11 years, we get boilerplate Robert McKee clichés dressed up with a lot of extremely dull country music. I’ve never been the biggest fan of country music, like any music there is good and bad, but country music seems much more open to the mediocre than other genres and boy is the music here mediocre.

Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. 

Documentary Review Act and Punishment

Act and Punishment (2018) 

Directed by Yevgeny Mitta

Written by Documentary 

Starring Mariya Alyokhina, Boris Groys 

Release Date January 2018 

I will admit, I didn’t pay close enough attention to what Pussy Riot was really about. In my very Midwestern American way, I passively dismissed Pussy Riot simply because the name made me a little uncomfortable. I certainly could not talk about Pussy Riot on the radio on my talk show so I simply ignored the phenomenon. Now, I wish I hadn’t been so stupid. The new documentary Act & Punishment lays out the case that Pussy Riot is far more important than I had, in my limited worldview, ever imagined.

In 2011, a group of artists began to resist the rule of Vladimir Putin. Under Putin, Russia was beginning to revert to the era of dictatorships with Putin becoming so unquestioned as leader that he was able to name the people who would lead after him. Putin was gathering power around him and this included exerting influence over Russia’s most powerful religious leaders.

In the shadows a group of artists were beginning a small but notable rebellion. Specifically, three women decided that the best way to demonstrate against Putin was in the form of disruptive public performances. They chose the medium of punk rock because they weren’t trained musicians and yet they performed songs. They took their protests to the subways, public squares and prisons and performed songs such as “Mother of God, Drive Putin Away.”

The protests always ended the same with police dragging the women off to jail for several hours until they were released. This changed however when in 2013, Pussy Riot decided to perform inside the Moscow Cathedral. The protest was a disaster from the first moment. Someone had tipped off police that Pussy Riot would be attempting a guerrilla performance at the Cathedral and before they could even set up their instruments, police descended.

Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal 

Movie Review The Commuter

The Commuter (2018) 

Directed by Jaume Collet Serra 

Written by Byron Willinger, Phillip de Blasi, Ryan Engle

Starring Liam Neeson, Vera Farmiga, Patrick Wilson, Jonathan Banks, Sam Neil

Release Date January 12th, 2018

The Commuter is yet another desperately silly effort from Liam Neeson. Once again teaming with director Jaume Collet Serra, Neeson is once again playing an action hero in a desperate situation in which life and death hang in the balance. At this point, a trip to the grocery store could be the premise for a Neeson action hero; it’s not as if he needs anything more than a place, a gun and an elaborate idiot plot for his Mad Libs take on the action genre.

In The Commuter, Liam Neeson stars as Michael, an Insurance Agent and former cop who takes the train to the city every day. Michael’s life is changed forever when he loses his job and on his commuter train home he is approached by an odd but attractive woman named Joanna (Vera Farmiga) who makes a unique proposition. Joanna wants Michael to use his knowledge of the regular riders on the train to find the one person who doesn’t belong.

This person is carrying a bag and Michael is to tag the bag with a GPS tracker. In exchange for doing this, Michael will receive $25,000 waiting for him hidden on the train and another $75,000 after he gets the job done. Michael is dubious until he finds the initial payment and decides to do the job. Naturally, nothing is as it appears. When Michael tries to back out of the deal he gets a message that his family is in danger and he is forced to continue.

I mentioned Mad Libs earlier and admittedly that is a shallow and glib interpretation. That said, we’ve seen Liam Neeson play a very similar character as this one only on a plane in Non-Stop. In that film, Neeson played an innocent man who was being framed for taking over a plane. Here, Neeson’s Michael is being framed for taking over a commuter train so as glib as the Mad Libs comparison is, it’s not exactly off-base.

Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal 

Movie Review Proud Mary

Proud Mary (2018) 

Directed by Babak Najafi 

Written by John S. Newman, Christian Swegel, Steve Antin

Starring Taraji P. Henson, Billy Brown, Danny Glover 

Release Date January 12th, 2018

Proud Mary has the ambition and the movie star to become a franchise. The question it leaves behind, however, is whether or not the people behind it have the talent and investment to make it something more than just a stock action movie. For my money, other than star Taraji P. Henson, Proud Mary comes up quite short. Other than the star, there is nothing memorable or particularly special about Proud Mary.

Mary (Henson) is a professional killer and when we meet her, she’s hard at work. Sneaking her way into a high rise apartment in Boston, Mary dispatches her target with little effort. Unfortunately, she finds that her target has a son, Danny (Jahi Di’Allo Winston), who was home when she dispatched the target. Protocol would call for her to kill the kid but Mary has a code and when the kid doesn’t spot her, she slips away.

Cut to one year later, Mary has been tracking Danny, driven by her guilt. Danny’s life has gone from Boston high rise to living on the street and working for a low level Russian drug dealer named Uncle (Xander Berkley). When Mary decides to rescue Danny, she sets off a war between the Russians and her boss, Benny (Danny Glover). The Russians want revenge and Benny doesn’t know that it was his top killer who set off the war, only that everyone is now trying to kill everyone else. The plot turns on whether the kid will be Mary’s downfall by revealing her accidental betrayal.

The plot sounds a lot more active and engaged than Proud Mary actually is. The reality is that Proud Mary is rather dull. There are two signature action scenes in the movie and both are hampered by the cliché of faceless villains who can’t shoot straight. Only Mary and her former partner, Benny’s son Tom, played by Billy Brown, are allowed to hit things they aim at.

Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. 

Movie Review Paddington 2

Paddington 2 (2018) 

Directed by Paul King 

Written by Paul King, Simon Farnaby

Starring Hugh Bonneville, Sally Hawkins, Brendan Gleeson, Julie Walters, Peter Capaldi, Hugh Grant

Release Date January 12th, 2018

Before the comments come, I can already hear you: "lighten up!" "It’s just a kids movie!" "All the other critics like it!: I can hear you saying these things before you type them as a response to this review; there is no need for you to repeat them. I’m speaking of my hatred for Paddington 2 and what I already know will be the response to that hatred. Paddington 2 has received across the board raves and yet I hated almost every second of it.

Paddington 2 returns to the story of Paddington Brown, voiced by Ben Whishaw, the good hearted young bear that moved to London in the first film of this franchise and is now a staple of the lives of the residents in his small corner of London. Paddington spends his days wheeling about London accidentally righting wrongs or creating new forms of chaos via his lovable clumsiness.

Things take a turn when Paddington’s friend, antique shop owner, Mr. Gruber (Jim Broadbent), shows him a London Pop-up book that Paddington believes would be the perfect gift for his Aunt Lucy (Imelda Staunton), in place of her actually traveling to London. Unfortunately, the pop-up book is very expensive and Paddington will need to raise $1000.00 in order to purchase it.

The book, it turns out, is an artifact related to a traveling circus and when Paddington passes on its existence to a washed up former movie star named Phoenix Buchanan (Hugh Grant), the movie star remembers the legend around it and sets about stealing it while framing Paddington for the crime through the cunning use of disguise and sleight of hand magic.

Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. 

Movie Review The Nun

The Nun (2018) 

Directed by Corin Hardy

Written by Gary Dauberman 

Starring Taissa Farmiga, Demian Bechir, Jonas Bloquet, Bonnie Aarons

Release Date September 7th, 2018

Published September 7th, 2023 

I love the visual of The Nun. Whether she's a malevolent painting or taking on a physical form that looks like The Terrifier crossed with a Nun cosplay, The Nun is a strong figure of terror. The face of actor Bonnie Aarons is twisted and contorted via makeup and effects to create a haunting visual that lingers in the imagination in the way great horror villains do. Aarons doesn't get enough credit for making this character so memorable, even iconic. Without here expressive face and the way she physically imposes this character on others is the main reason why The Nun is, perhaps, the best thing that has come from The Conjuring universe of horror movies. 

In fairness, however, The Nun is also blessed not to have the burden of the Warrens dragging her down in her solo movies. I admire Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga but they've extended the fame of a pair of con artists for far too long. The Conjuring movies are cut and paste demonic possession movies that play the same beats over and over again while playing the 'Based on True Events' card as is they can trick the audience into buying what the Warren's tried to sell the world for years, a pack of lies about their ability to speak to the dead. 

The Conjuring movies overflow with nonsense in which ghosts move furniture, dump items from open cabinets, and are a general nuisance. The Nun on the other hand proceeds from a supernatural premise and never asks that you buy into the reality of this malevolent being. The Nun is a demonic monster, it has almost limitless power, and there are only a rare few who can go against The Nun and live to tell the story. The Nun has a clear purpose, it wants to harm people so that it might affect an escape from the Abbey in which is trapped. 

Find my full length review of Horror.Media 

Movie Review: 1985

1985 (2018) 

Directed by Yen Tan

Written by Yen Tan 

Starring Cory Michael Smith, Virginia Madsen, Michael Chiklis, 

Release Date March 19th, 2018 

Published August 12th, 2018 

Director Yen Tan’s 1985 left me an emotional mess. This incredibly moving drama about a gay man returning home for the holidays to his conservative, religious, Texas family hit me right me in heart with its brave storytelling and artful construction. Filmed in 16 millimeter black and white, the film gives you a feeling of a memory being recalled with great detail, directly from the year 1985. 

1985 stars Corey Michael Smith, best known for his role on TV’s Gotham, as Adrian. Adrian moved away from his Texas home three years ago to live in New York City and, for the first time, to live openly as a gay man. Having never come out to his parents, expertly portrayed by Virginia Madsen and Michael Chiklis, Adrian decides immediately to keep himself in the closet while back home so as not to upset his family dynamic. 

Adrian’s sexuality however, is not the only secret he’s decided to keep from his family. Verbal and visual cues will slowly reveal as the film goes on that Adrian has been losing weight, he’s been getting ill frequently and in a beautifully telling moment, his beloved dog clings to his side as if to protect and comfort him. It’s not hard to suss out what Adrian’s secret is though the film does gently allow the secret to be unfolded throughout the story. 

1985 was directed by Yen Tan, a filmmaker who I am unfortunately not familiar with though this is his fourth feature film according to Wikipedia. In notes that accompanied the movie when I saw it, Tan discussed how working with AIDS patients years ago inspired him to want to tell the story of a closeted gay man and the sadness, frustration, and heartache that comes from keeping secrets so essential to who you are. 

There is a next level of sadness at play here that I am reluctant to go into. I was lucky to watch the film without having read other reviews on Wikipedia or IMDB, places that give away the secret Adrian is hiding. Again, it’s not a twist or even a major reveal, it’s an organic, growing part of the story. I just really loved watching it unfold even as the brilliant visual and vocal clues in the movie give the game away with intent. 

It’s a wonderful piece of filmmaking and it’s not intended to fool you or gut punch you, it makes sense to the plot why Adrian is hiding something and the journey toward him actually saying what is happening out loud is powerful. Actor Corey Michael Smith does an incredible job of making Adrian genial and awkward and delicately pragmatic. The secret of his sexuality isn’t really much of a secret, as we come to find out, but the way in which the film gently layers this into the characters and the story is remarkable and emotional. 

I haven’t even mentioned one of my favorite parts of 1985. Actress Jamie Chung plays Carly, Adrian’s ex-girlfriend whom he broke up with three years earlier when he left for New York. Now an aspiring stand up comic,  Carly has no idea that Adrian is gay and when the two reconnect there is some awkward and brilliantly relatable truth to their interaction. Carly may seem like an extraneous character in some ways but her presence underlines dramatic moments from Adrian’s backstory that pay off with strong emotional impact. 

1985 will be on my list of the best movies of the year. Few films have touched me as deeply as this movie has. It’s not an easy movie, it’s not a movie for an audience that doesn’t want to be challenged and it is not a movie that rewards you with easy answers. This is a deeply emotional and beautifully rendered film that, if you allow it to, will break your heart in ways that will make it stronger and more empathetic going forward. That, to me, is a better feeling than any 10 blockbusters can provide. 

What a year for Black and White movies huh? Roma dazzled us with its arrival on Netflix last week with it’s crisp, clean, black and white sleekness. And here, in 1985, we get a black and white movie that uses this type of film to give age to the story, to evoke the time it is set within and to give the film a dreamlike or memory-like feeling. The grainy, slightly dark, look of 1985 gives the film the feeling of a story being recalled from memory, a little hazy, a little fuzzy, yet recalled with detail and deep emotion, as if we were in the mind of someone recalling this story and feeling what they felt at the time. 

Movie Review Mission Impossible Rogue Nation and Ghost Protocol

Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol (2011) 

Directed by Brad Bird

Written by Josh Applebaum, Andre Nemec

Starring Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, Ving Rhames, Paula Patton 

Release Date December 16th, 2011 

Mission Impossible Rogue Nation (2015) 

Directed by Christopher McQuarrie

Written by Christopher McQuarrie

Starring Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, Ving Rhames, Rebecca Ferguson

Release Date July 31st, 2015 

Published July 25th, 2018 

Mission Impossible 3 made an indelible mark in my mind as the most entertaining and accomplished take on the entire Mission Impossible franchise. After seeing both Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and Mission Impossible Rogue Nation, I can now say with certainty that the series peaked with number 3. J.J Abrams' kinetic direction was artful and exciting with an eye toward drama, action and suspense all in the same package.

That’s not to say that Ghost Protocol and Rogue Nation are bad, they just lack the same clarity, focus and skill of MI3. Neither directors, Brad Bird or Christopher McQuarrie, appear capable of imposing their vision on the franchise, or at least, they didn’t impose it as well as Abrams did as each seems far more at the mercy of stunt coordinators and the daredevil antics of star Tom Cruise than Abrams was.

Ghost Protocol picks up the action of the MI story some five years after the action of MI3. Ethan Hunt is behind bars in a foreign country, accused of having murdered 6 Serbian nationals. We will eventually be told that his wife, Jules (Michelle Monaghan), a prominent part of the action in MI3, was killed, but death in a spy movie doesn’t always mean death. The big bad this time out is a man code named Cobalt (Michael Nykvist), an arms dealer with the aim of ending the world with a nuclear missile.

It will be up to Agent Hunt and his new IMF team, including Field Agent Benji Dunn (Simon Pegg) and Jane Carter (Paula Patton). Carter is still reeling from the murder of her partner, Agent Hanaway (Josh Holloway, Lost) who was murdered by a killer for hire employed by Cobalt. They are joined by Analyst William Brandt (Jeremy Renner) who gets added to the team after his boss, the Secretary of the IMF (Tom Wilkinson) is murdered and the team is disavowed.

Brad Bird is a competent and highly capable director who keeps the pace up and the action well managed. Unfortunately, the film is little more than set-pieces strung together by a thin plot and a less than compelling villain. Ghost Protocol is remembered for the controversial CGI destruction of the Kremlin and a death-defying sequence in which Cruise appears to scale the outside of the world’s tallest building, Dubai’s Burj Khalifa.

Both sequences are solid and well captured with the Burj Khalifa climb coming the closest to evoking the best of the franchise. That said, they appeared to have the stunts before they had a script and wound up tailoring the story to the stunts. This was seemingly confirmed when writer Christopher McQuarrie was brought on half way into production for an uncredited rewrite of the script by Andre Nemec and Josh Applebaum.

Does this make Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol bad? No, it means that it comes up short of the legacy crafted by Mission Impossible 3. That film had big stunts and a big story to tell along with it. Ghost Protocol has ambition stunts but lacks the story to lift it to what I had hoped the series would be after MI3. Still, the movie is good enough, entertaining enough, and has just enough appeal that I don’t dislike it, but I don’t love it either.

Mission Impossible Rogue Nation, at the very least, improved upon Ghost Protocol. Here, Ethan Hunt opens the movie by being captured by the big bad, this time played by Sean Harris. Harris’ Solomon Lane has been eluding Ethan for two years since Ethan began to track him down. Lane has remained 2 steps ahead of Ethan while creating a series of tragedies intended to have a drastic effect on world markets.

Ethan is in so much hot water that the CIA, seen here in the form of a blustering Alec Baldwin, believes he is responsible for the terrorist acts caused by Lane’s outfit called, The Syndicate. In attempting to stop The Syndicate, Ethan recruits Benji to join him on the run from the CIA and they are joined by a British double agent named Ilsa Faust (Rebecca Ferguson) who has infiltrated The Syndicate and is the key to getting to Lane.

Director Christopher McQuarrie both wrote and directed Mission Impossible Rogue Nation and that fact does lend some clarity to the storytelling. The conspiracy in play is a wild one and rather clever and well executed. The film is still defined by one big stunt, in which Cruise legendarily clung to the side of a plane as it was taking off, but the stunt doesn’t completely overshadow the movie as the Burj Khalifa sequence in Ghost Protocol certainly did.

McQuarrie marries the slick, shallow thrills of MI2 with a little of the grit of the original with the craftsmanship of MI3 and creates easily the second best of the then 5 film franchise. I especially enjoyed the use of Rebecca Ferguson whose lithe physicality matches that of co-star Tom Cruise. The way she floats about fluidly in major fight scenes is really cool and in keeping with the action style of most of the Mission movies. She’s a really solid addition.

Sadly, the villain of Rogue Nation is once again the weakest part of the film. Who’s Sean Harris? He’s not a bad actor but I have no reference point for who he is as an actor. He’s not remotely on the star level of the rest of the cast, even Ferguson who makes her debut in this film. Harris’s lack of a profile makes him forgettable and when compared to the best villain in the franchise, Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s exceptional, Owen Davian, he comes up well short.

The character of Solomon Lane is not all that compelling. His aims are clear but the character is a shell and a full-fledged villain should be. He has no life, no personality, he’s not tough and while he’s portrayed as super-smart, our first time seeing him, he immediately chooses not to kill Ethan Hunt even though he easily could. The sequence makes the character look silly, especially when the script gives him zero reason to keep alive the one man he’s aware could stop his agenda.

The lack of care in the details of the script of Rogue One is part of what keeps the film far from greatness. It’s still solid and has terrific stunt work and top-notch action scenes, but sadly I was hoping for more of a brain. Instead, we get yet another Tom Cruise running chase scene and another Tom Cruise motorcycle chase scene, obligatory action beats that likely existed before a script ever did.

McQuarrie is also the writer-director of Mission Impossible Fallout which hits theaters this weekend. I believe Fallout will be good but my expectations have dimmed for the franchise. I had hoped Ethan Hunt would usurp James Bond as the top movie spy of all time. Sadly, Bond’s legacy is kept safe by a star too eager for stunts and directors unable to make the stunts into a fully compelling story beyond the mere presentation of spectacle that just happens to be part of a story.

Movie Review: Destination Wedding

Destination Wedding (2018) 

Directed by Victor Levin 

Written by Victor Levin

Starring Winona Ryder, Keanu Reeves 

Release Date August 31st, 2018 

Published August 31st, 2018 

Destination Wedding stars Keanu Reeves as Frank and Winona Ryder as Lindsey, a pair of mismatched wedding guests. Frank’s brother is getting married in San Luis Obispo, a piece of information the filmmakers feel is important for us to know for some reason. Frank hates his brother and based on the evidence of the movie, he hates pretty much everyone so Frank setting aside special hatred for someone is notable. 

Lindsey, meanwhile, is Frank’s brother’s ex-fiancee. She accepted an invitation to this wedding some six years after Frank’s brother dumped her on the eve of their wedding. She’s come to San Luis Obispo in search of closure and acceptance and the ability to move on with her emotional life. And, she might be insane. The movie doesn’t deal with this fact directly, but Winona Ryder plays the character with some sort of undefined mental deficiency that, perhaps, is meant to be comedy. 

Frank’s main trait beyond extreme misanthropy is his habit of hocking phlegm. Yeah, this is a fun trait to give a character. Our introduction to Frank is him repeatedly and loudly attempting to clear his sinuses. It’s apparent that the movie thinks this is either charming or funny as they keep having him do it, multiple times throughout the movie. Somehow though the funny part of the hocking didn’t translate to those of us in the audience, it remains solely in the imagination of Keaun Reeves and writer-director Victor Levin. 

Keanu gets off easier than poor Winona Ryder who is forced to play Lindsey as what I assume is the victim of an off-screen head injury. Our introduction to Lindsey is her breathing heavily onto a dying plant. She does this and chants ‘come on photosynthesis’ and we are supposed to laugh I suppose, rather than cringe which my body did in instinctive sympathy for an actress I have always very much liked being made to look silly in a very unfunny fashion. 

Once Frank and Lindsey meet and find themselves repeatedly thrust together as the only singletons at this destination wedding, they begin to talk and immediately hate one another. The first quarter of this blessedly short 80 minute feature is Ryder and Reeves insulting one another in the most hateful and obnoxiously unfunny fashion. Imagine being trapped in a small space with a pair of obnoxiously miserable people and you get a sense of what watching Reeves and Ryder interact in Destination Wedding is like. 

I’m trying hard to imagine what either of these talented people thought would come of this unfunny, genuinely mean way their characters interact in this movie. I assume they were aware they were making a romantic comedy and not the prequel to a violent revenge movie, but I can’t be sure. Dialogue that is meant to be savagely misanthropic comes off as merely faux miserable ranting from characters we can’t stand and are yet the only characters in this movie. There are no other characters, just Lindsey and Frank the whole time. It's like being trapped in an elevator with relatives you hate but are too polite to scream at. 

When the love story began to unfold in Destination Wedding, I was dumbfounded that anyone thought these characters were capable of such a turn. Ryder and Reeves have established both of these hateful, obnoxious, miscreants as people who are more likely to commit murder-suicide than fall in love and yet we have to suffer listening to them bond over how they hate other people more than they hate each other so they must be good together. 

As the 'romance' progresses the two have one of the worst, unfunny, funny love scenes I have ever seen. Some of the hilariously funny dialogue includes Ryder telling Reeves that he looks like he's about to vomit on her. This happens during the love scene. Eventually, the romance progresses to a genuine and earnest moment when our head injury victim, Lindsey says, without a hint of irony or sarcasm, "what if our real destination was each other?" Now, I'm the one who looks like he might vomit. 

When I saw that Destination Wedding starred Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder I was sure it couldn’t be that bad. Oh how wrong I was. This is truly one of the worst movies of 2018. Even at a barely feature length 80 minutes, Destination Wedding is an unbearable disaster of a movie. Bitter, spiteful, hateful, idiotic characters pretending toward being funny misanthropes, Frank and Lindsey aren’t romantic comedy characters, they are the half-hearted offspring of screenwriters who watch half of a Judd Apatow movie and think they get the gist.

Movie Review: Escape Plan 2 Hades

Escape Plan 2 Hades (2018) 

Directed by Steven C. Miller

Written by Miles Chapman 

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jesse Metcalf, Dave Bautista, Curtis Jackson

Release Date June 29th, 2018

Published June 29th, 2018 

I have seen amateur movies on YouTube, shot on an IPhone, that have better special effects than the cheeseball fluff featured in the new movie Escape Plan 2: Hades. This Sylvester Stallone starring sequel to the not-so-great to begin with, 2013 feature, Escape Plan starring Sly and Arnold Schwarzenegger, is among the worst movies of 2018. Bad special effects, inept direction, and abysmal editing make Escape Plan 2: Hades, nearly impossible to endure.

Once again Stallone is playing the character of security expert Ray Breslin. Here Ray and his team, including Jesse Metcalf, Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson and Jamie King, are hired to rescue hostages in a foreign country by developing an executing an ‘escape plan,’ get it? When the escape plan goes bad, Ray is forced to part ways with two members of his team, Jasper (Wes Chatham) and Shu (Xiaming Huong).

After firing Jasper, Ray let’s Shu take  a leave of absence and from there, Shu goes home to Thailand and reunites with his cousin, a tech millionaire. The cousin is wanted for his deus ex machina technology and when he’s kidnapped, Shu gets taken as well. The two end up in Hades, a state of the art prison, said to be inescapable. Naturally, when Ray finds out his buddy is missing he knows what he needs, as escape plan.

My plot description is intentionally snarky but the movie deserves it. Little care is taken by director Stephen C. Miller to make Escape Plan 2: Hades watchable so the film deserves my condescending descriptors. Miller’s direction is borderline haphazard, as if we’re lucky when he’s able to plant his camera in the direction of the actors. The editing is employed to try and hide the directorial and storytelling deficiencies, using quick cuts to try and distract from the bad production design and bored acting.

Sly Stallone looks as if he’s not getting enough sleep these days. His speech has always been a tad slow but here, words fall from his mouth as if pushed with great effort but little energy or life. He doesn’t appear to care much about what he’s saying and comes off as content to deliver the minimum effort needed for his check. Director Miller tries to cover for his star’s disinterest by giving newcomer Xiaming Huong most of the heavy lifting but his martial arts can’t overcome Miller’s inability to capture martial arts in a visually interesting fashion.

The fight scenes in Escape Plan 2: Hades are nearly as sloppy as the special effects are laughable. Huong appears to be a capable fighter but the slapdash camera work and quick cut editing do more to hide his abilities than to exploit them. There are times during major fight scenes where it was impossible to even locate the lead characters amid the chaos of the staging of these scenes.

The CGI of Escape Plan 2 is camp level bad. The effects rendering on something as routine as muzzle flair from a handgun are laughably inept with tiny fireballs that look like cotton candy popping out of a gun. A big explosion in the opening of the film looked like an effect from the legendary modern bad movie Birdemic: Shock and Terror. That film however, at the very least, was entertainingly terrible, Escape Plan 2: Hades is merely embarrassingly cringe inducing.

Just what the heck was Dave Bautista thinking when he accepted this role? Was he desperate to share the screen with Sly Stallone? Bautista is billed as the second star of Escape Plan, equal to Stallone and yet he’s barely in the movie. Bautista doesn’t even have a fight scene, content to just hold a gun in one scene and fire the gun while lightly jogging toward danger later in the movie. Bautista matches Stallone’s lack of energy with his own barely there performance.

Escape Plan 2: Hades was supposed to be released theatrically, nationwide this weekend but someone thought better of that idea. Instead, this abysmal effort will haunt the DVD and Blu Ray racks as of Friday, tempting Stallone completists and those who can be tricked into thinking Bautista is doing another Drax like character. Don’t be fooled, Bautista is barely there and Stallone, in a sense, is barely there as well in one of the worst movies of 2018.

Movie Review: Dark Crimes

Dark Crimes (2018)

Directed by Alexandros Avranas 

Written by Jeremy Brock

Starring Jim Carrey, Martin Csokas, Charlotte Gainsbourg

Release Date May 18th, 2018

Published May 18th, 2018

Dark Crimes is a whole lot of nonsense. While I appreciate that Jim Carrey is taking a risk and playing a role well outside our perception of him as a performer, Dark Crimes is a risk that should not have been taken. This Poland set mystery involving a murder among a violent sex cult is so poorly constructed and so nonsensically plotted that even if Jim Carrey had been brilliant in his offbeat, against the grain, performance, it wouldn’t have mattered against this awful piece of storytelling.

In Dark Crimes, Jim Carrey stars as Tadek, a veteran detective in a major city in Poland. At one point, we’re told that Tadek is the last good cop in Poland but the movie does little to demonstrate that. Tadek is investigating the murder of a man who was found bound in an S & M style and dropped in a river. Tadek’s top suspect is a writer named Kozlov (Martin Csokas) whose latest book, a thriller, describes a murder exactly like the one Tadek is investigating.

The details depicted in the book, which we hear as Tadek is listening to the audiobook of Kozlov’s bestseller, are uncannily like the murder and Tadek is certain that Kozlov is the killer. That is, until he continues down the rabbit hole of this sex cult which is made up of some of the most powerful men in Poland, including Tadek’s work rival, Greger (Robert Wieckiewicz). Thus, Tadek had better be right before he goes so far he can’t come back.

That’s an okay thumbnail of Dark Crimes but it contains a good deal of inference on my part. Dark Crimes is so nonsensically assembled that it is impossible to actually know what is happening. Nudity and an orgy and a murder give us a sense of what the plot is about, and it certainly makes for a jarring opening to the movie, but then the movie abandons the sex cult in favor of one on one staring contests between Carrey and Csokas that stagnate an already sluggish story.

The assemblage of Dark Crimes is almost painful to piece together. A number of scenes appear to have significant revelations but the movie is so clumsy that I am not sure what was being revealed in what appeared to be intended as revelatory scenes. One scene finds Carrey reacting to something for a good long while and when we finally see what he’s reacting to, it’s so tangential to the plot of Dark Crimes that his intense psychic pain barely registers.

Charlotte Gainsbourg, whose work with Lars Von Trier likely made her time on Dark Crimes feel like a cakewalk, co-stars here as a woman abused in the sex cult. She’s also the girlfriend of Kozlov though she tells Carrey that the relationship with Kozlov is over before the two sleep together in one of the least sexy sex scenes I’ve ever seen. Is Gainsbourg’s character a frightened victim seeking protection or a sexy scheming killer? I have no idea and the movie is too vague and poorly put together for me to even venture a guess as to the nature of Gainsbourg's character or any other character for that matter, including Carrey's Tadek. 

The ending is the most nonsensical of bit of all. I watched and then re-watched the end of Dark Crimes in the vain hope that I could figure out what happened and two viewings yielded no definitive answer. The final moment is captured so poorly, literally at a bizarre distance at a cantilevered angle, that the fate of Jim Carrey’s character is unknown as the credits began to roll.

I will say, aside from a desperately unneeded close-up of Carrey's twisted face during a love scene, ugh, Dark Crimes is great looking movie. The cinematography, especially on a high quality Blu-Ray, looks phenomenal. Poland looks beautiful and foreboding, a character in its own right that in a better movie would matter to the plot. But not here, not among the skill free nonsense on display in Dark Crimes.

Dark Crimes is undoubtedly among the worst movies of 2018. Jim Carrey’s bold decision to play a character wildly out of his comfort zone, all the way down to a silly sounding Polish accent, is almost laughably terrible. I admire the big swing Carrey takes here but perhaps he should reign in the ambition just a little. Maybe start with a clever little independent feature delivered by a promising young upstart director. Try going to film festivals and looking for young and hungry filmmakers who could use your star power to get a movie made. Most importantly Jim, stay the heck out of Poland.

Column The Best Sequence in Hereditary

Hereditary (2018) 

Directed by Ari Aster 

Written by Ari Aster 

The Best Sequence in Hereditary 

The big death scene in Hereditary is the best scene in any movie in 2018. This article is about to go into great detail about this scene so if you have not seen Hereditary, which I feel is the best movie of 2018, you should stop reading after this introductory paragraph and come back after you have watched Ari Aster’s remarkable, debut masterpiece. This article will openly reveal a pivotal and shocking death of one of the main characters in Hereditary. 

A primer: Hereditary stars Toni Collette as Annie, an artist and stay at home mother. Annie crafts elaborate models of daily scenes from her home life, from the seemingly mundane, to the funeral of her recently deceased mother. Annie’s mother has recently died as the story begins but Annie is strangely lacking in profound emotion. Annie’s husband, Steve (Gabriel Byrne), is dutiful and supportive. While Annie and Steve’s son, Peter (Alex Wolff), is a typically aloof and above it all teenager. 

Daughter Charlie (Milly Shapiro), however, appears to take her grandmother’s passing far harder than anyone else. Her emotion is not outward, per se, Charlie is a special needs child though the film is vague on her exact condition. Charlie expresses her grief in odd behaviors that include a disturbing fascination with a dead bird which she finds at school and brings home. What she does with the bird from there you can discover in the film. It’s a terrifying visual detail that pays off in terrific horror. 

Our scene is set when Peter wants to go to a party and his mother instructs him to take Charlie to the party with him. While Peter is off getting high at the party, Charlie has a piece of cake, unaware that the cake has nuts and she has an allergic reaction. As a paranoid and terrified Peter rushes Charlie to the hospital, Charlie struggles to breath and eventually leans her head out of the car window to get more air. 

An out of control Peter nearly crashes the car into a telephone pole but as he swerves to miss it, Charlie’s head strikes the pole and is taken completely off. Director Ari Aster never shows us what happened to Charlie. There is no outward gore in the scene. Instead, in a masterful, and far more terrifying move, Aster keeps the camera on Peter as the tragedy that has just taken place slowly dawns on him. 

A shocked Peter stays in the car, afraid to look behind him and confirm what has taken place. He lingers for some time before finally putting the car in gear and beginning to slowly drive away from the scene, a lonely, empty, highway not far from his family home but far enough from any city to remain empty for some time. Peter drives home and the only time Aster leaves Alex Wolff’s stunned face is to establish as Peter pulls into the family driveway, gets out of the car as if lost in a fugue state and wanders inside. 

We return to Peter’s incomprehensibly stunned face as he climbs into bed and lies there for hours unable to sleep and unable to remain awake to the terror that has befallen him. We sit with Alex as the night passes into morning. We stay on Alex’s face as the house comes alive with the sound of Alex’s parents rising and beginning their day. The camera never cuts away from Alex, the terror that is about to unfold is mostly in sound design and scraps of mundane dialogue. 

Annie and Steve call out for Charlie and Peter to come to breakfast. Annie begins to worry where Charlie is. She calls for her. She begins to go to the door, we hear only her footsteps and the sound of the front door opening, we’re still on Alex’s profoundly horrified and paralyzed face. The door opens, we hear the crunch of Annie’s footsteps on the rocks in the driveway, we hear her approach the car and finally, we hear a blood curdling scream before we finally cut away. 

Great directing is about choices and the choices that Ari Aster makes in this moment to stick closely to the face of actor Alex Wolff is a daring and ingenious choice. The horror of the moment can hardly match the horror of what we assume this moment looks like in reality. Our imagination fills in the horror and because we care for Peter, our horror is magnified by a deep and stomach churning empathy. 

This, for me, is among the finest pieces of direction I have ever seen in a horror or genre movie and really, among any kind of movie. It’s a relatively simple manipulation of our collective imagination and yet many directors would ruin it by trying to shock us with horror visuals. Aster knows that our imagination of this moment is more powerful than mere gore. Besides, the rest of the movie has plenty of gore to satisfy that part of our genre hunger.  

Movie Review Hunter Killer

Hunter Killer (2018) 

Directed by Donovan Marsh

Written by Arne Schmidt, Jamie Moss

Starring Gerard Butler, Gary Oldman, Common, Linda Cardellini, Toby Stephens 

Release Date October 26th, 2018

Published October 26th, 2018

Hunter Killer stars Gerard Butler as submarine commander Joe Glass. Glass has just been handed his very first command, aboard the USS Arkansas at a most inopportune moment. It is Joe’s task to take his hunter killer class sub crew into heavily guarded Russian territory and find out what happened to another hunter killer class sub which was sunk in the area, assumedly by a Russian sub that was also downed in the fight. 

What Joe and his crew find is something quite unexpected, both subs appear to have been attacked not by each other but by a third sub which subsequently begins attacking Joe’s sub. The Arkansas survives this encounter but having just sent another Russian sub to the bottom of the ocean, the international incident they were investigating may be exploding into World War 3 unless Joe can quickly figure out why this Russian sub has gone rogue. 

Meanwhile, back in Washington D.C, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Charles Donnegan (Gary Oldman) has tasked Rear Admiral John Fisk with sending a team of Green Berets into Russian territory so they can get close to where the Russian President Zakarin (Alexander Diachenko) and his top military secretary, Admiral Durov (Michael Gor) are holed up near where the subs have been downed. 

What the Green Berets, led by Bill Beaman (Toby Stephens) , find is that there is a coup in process, the Russian President is the hostage of his top military secretary and the secretary is bent on starting World War 3. Now three arms of the American military, along with an advisor from the NSA (Linda Cardellini) must work together to come up with a plan to rescue the Russian President and avert World War 3. 

I must admit, that sounds like a pretty great description of a first person shooter video game. Sadly, Hunter Killer is a movie and thus not nearly as much fun. Hunter Killer is the latest in a long line of lunkheaded military rehashes from Millennium Entertainment, the group that rescued Gerard Butler from the Hollywood ash heap and given him a second act as the purest example of lunkheaded, ill-conceived 80’s action movies, the new millennium Michael Dudikoff. 

For those not among the 10 people who got that Michael Dudikoff reference, Dudikoff was the bargain action hero of Cannon Films, the group behind such glorious 80’s cheese as American Ninja, Avenging Force and the Missing in Action Franchise. Those examples should give you a good idea of the quality of Hunter Killer, we’re not talking high end action here, we’re talking about the kind of slapdash trash that used to go directly to drive-ins and eventually, directly to VHS. 

Hunter Killer is supremely dumb and not in a fun way. Rather, Hunter Killer is dumb in the most boringly competent ways imaginable. Hunter Killer was directed by a newcomer named Donovan Marsh who is just inexperienced enough and just talented enough to miss the point of the movie he’s making. He doesn’t appear to understand that Hunter Killer is cheesy and thus he commits to the idea with all his talent, not realizing that everyone in the cast knows they’re working on something cheap and disposable. They know the company they’re working for. 

Butler and Oldman have worked with Millennium Entertainment for years. Butler is there because Millennium was the only company willing to touch him after his toxic run of bombs from 2008 to 2011 that culminated with him playing a leprechaun in an almost career endingly bad segment of Movie 43. Oldman worked with Millennium because his name was just big enough to work on the box cover of a direct to DVD crime movie and their checks weren’t bouncing. 

No surprise to learn that Hunter Killer was on the shelf for a while before Oldman re-established himself among the Hollywood elite with his Academy Award winning performance in Darkest Hour. Hunter Killer is the kind of movie that if it had come out around Oscar time last year it might have cost him Best Actor just as many speculated that Norbit cast Eddie Murphy Best Supporting Actor by arriving around the time he was nominated for Dreamgirls. 

We know Hunter Killer has been moldering on the shelf for a while because one of the supporting actors, Michael Nyqvist died more than 18 months ago. It’s tragic that a fine, under-recognized pro like Nyqvist has Hunter Killer as the last thing on his resume but at least he was gone before the world had seen what a terrible film he’d closed his fine career with. Here’s hoping he was well compensated. 

I realize that some people enjoy this stinky cheese of a movie but it’s definitely not for me. Butler is his usually dopey self, swaggering about spitting nonsense dialogue in his god-awful American accent. He doesn’t appear to care that he’s not acting but caricaturing American swagger in the most unfunny way possible. It’s hard to know if I pity Butler for his complete lack of talent or if I am meant to laugh at his dimwitted burlesque attempt at bringing back the 80’s action movie. 

Hunter Killer is bad in a most bland and peculiar fashion. It’s not shot poorly, it’s inoffensive in that the jingoism is tempered by having so many foreigners lead the cast of this American action movie, Butler, Oldman, and Toby Stephens, are not Americans and appear to have no interest in selling America f*** Yeah attitude that a true 80’s action movie would. Had this film actually starred Michael Dudikoff it would have ended with him planting an American flag in the heart of the dead foreign secretary while American jets flew overhead dropping tiny American flags. 

I guess, in that sense, we can consider Hunter Killer restrained. Not any good, but restrained. Unfortunately that restraint keeps the movie too tasteful to be bad in a fun way. Instead, the film is bad for being deathly dull, populated by bored actors either over-performing or under-performing masculine military cliches and spouting nonsense jargon that sounds cool but comes off like boys playing with toys and not serious-minded military adults.