Movie Review Grind

Grind (2003) 

Directed by Casey La Scala 

Written by Ralph Sall 

Starring Mike Vogel, Vince Vieluf, Adam Brody, Jennifer Morrison, Tom Green 

Release Date August 15th, 2003 

Published August 15th, 2003

No one will believe me now but it's true. Years ago, I predicted that one day filmmaking would be completely taken away from the artists and given over to the marketing departments of major studios. They will operate without scripts and shot lists, only posters and taglines. They will thinly outline the most marketable elements necessary to sell the film to the selected demographic. They will test market everything right down to the individual lines of dialogue for the maximum marketability. Well the final product of this marketer's wet dream is finally in theaters. Grind is the very first movie made entirely by marketers and unspools like the 90 minute commercial it is.

Let's cut to the chase, it's about four guys who's goal in life is to become pro skaters like their hero Jimmy Wilson (one of the London brothers, it doesn't matter which one). They believe that if they can show Jimmy a tape of their skating he will invite them to join his tour. So like Grateful Dead fans, they begin tailing the tour in a beat up van. All the while they’re chasing female models cast as extras and just missing their hero at each stop.

Along the way there are unnecessary cameos by Tom Green, Bobcat Goldthwaite and Stephen Root doing an odd variation on his character from Office Space. The cameos do nothing to add to this mess and Green's appearance actually brings the film to a screeching halt. Green is such an oddball you must wonder if his character was a practical joke on his part that the producers didn't get and left in the film. I honestly believe Green is that smart, and I had a lot of time to develop that theory as the film grinded away through another banal skating exhibition.

I'm not sure if it was the way the film was edited or if the skating was that dull but I was bored even during what the film was all about, the skating. I haven't been on a skateboard since I was 14 years old and I broke my tailbone, but you don't have to be a fan of the X Games to be unimpressed by the skateboard exhibitions in Grind. Only a cameo by Tony Hawk shows any real talent. Of course the skateboard stuff might have been good but with the way it was shot and edited we won't ever know. What ended up on the screen was not very impressive.

Grind functions as a sports movie, it even has a big game at the end, though it's entirely inconsequential. The sports movie clichés are mixed in between fart jokes and banal dialogue about friendship and being a team.

The cast doesn't come off as badly as their skateboarding talent. Each of the four leads has a modicum of charm but any shred of good acting was left on the cutting room floor. Only Joey Kern as Sweet Lou makes any real impression, his relaxed humor provides the film’s few bright spots. Novice Eric Rivers has the film’s main role and at best I can say I didn't hate him. That said, his bland performance is exactly what the marketers were looking for, good looking, vague, banal and inoffensive. He's not so bad that it's memorable but he's not so good either.

As I write this Grind has failed miserably at the box office. It's a minor victory for artists over the marketing overlords, but they will be back. Armed with their demographics and market research.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Movie Review Stealing Harvard

Stealing Harvard (2002) 

Directed by Bruce McCulloch

Written by Peter Tolan

Starring Jason Lee, Tom Green, Leslie Mann, Dennis Farina, Megan Mullally, Richard Jenkins, John C. McGinley

Release Date September 13th, 2002 

Published September 12th, 2002 

In Freddy Got Fingered, Tom Green broke every rule of good filmmaking. In doing so, he created one of the more inept films in history. On the other hand, Green should be commended for one of the boldest attempts at comedy we've ever seen. To his credit, he put himself on the line, and though he failed spectacularly, the attempt was brave and bold. If only his new film Stealing Harvard had taken some of the risks that Green did in Freddy Got Fingered, rather than churning out yet another market-tested demographically- safe comedy.

Stealing Harvard stars View Askew legend Jason Lee as John Plummer, a soon-to-be-married medical supply salesman. Years ago, John made a promise to his niece that if she got into college, he would pay for it. In the meantime, John met and fell in love with Elaine (Leslie Mann). They were engaged and agreed to get married when they accumulated enough money to buy a house. It is no surprise then that as soon as John has enough money to get married, he finds out his niece has been accepted to Harvard and needs money.

From here, the film tweaks one of my movie pet peeves. A character can easily dispel a difficult situation by simply telling the truth, but doesn't because of the plot. There is absolutely no reason for John not to tell Elaine about his problem, except that if he does there wouldn't be a movie. I can't stand this trope, it's a plague inflicted by lazy, hack screenwriters of the world.

Therefore, instead of simply telling the truth, John enlists his buddy Duff (Green) who suggests they steal the money. After a series of outlandish robbery attempts and bids to cut deals with lowlifes, John finally comes clean with Elaine, who has the brilliant idea to steal from her father (who is also John's hateful boss (Dennis Farina). She could just ask her dad for the money, and he would likely give it to her ,despite his hatred of her fiancée, but if she did that we wouldn't have the ridiculous climax and tacked on a happy ending.

Director Bruce Mcculloch, formerly of Kids In The Hall, may not have much of an eye for story, but he does manage a light quick tone and a few solid laughs. Lee is solid though some of the material is beneath his talent. Green, once again playing himself, draws some of the biggest laughs. He has an amazing talent for physical humor, and because he is so unpredictable, the comic potential of his character is attention grabbing.

Stealing Harvard never had a chance to be a good film. Coming from the big studio system, this film was engineered with demographics ahead of script. Screenwriter Peter Tolan writes as if he was creating the marketing campaign as he was creating the story. It is truly a shame, with the talent there was a very funny movie to be made. Stealing Harvard just wasn't it.