Movie Review: Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day (2010) 

Directed by Garry Marshall 

Written by Katherine Fugate 

Starring Jessica Alba, Patrick Dempsey, Anne Hathaway, Queen Latifah, Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner

Release Date February 12th, 2010

Published February 14th, 2010 

Garry Marshall, how do I loathe thee, let me count the ways. I have loathed every inch of film you have ever cut and print. Every word on the page of one of your scripts has been like a dagger in my chest. Your magnum opus Pretty Woman is one of the most loathsome, irresponsible and despicable fantasies ever crafted.

I still have nightmares of your attempt to make an S & M themed romantic comedy starring Dan Akroyd and Rosie O'Donnell. In all seriousness, which concentric circle of hell did you escape from? Mr. Marshall's latest bit of awfulness is arguably his most banal, rendered so by having so much star power you may be to blind to realize how you're being terrorized.

Valentine's Day is ostensibly about love and its many complications played out over the hallmark crafted Holiday. 20 or some odd number of characters each has an interconnected part to play in this series of failed single romantic comedies wrapped into one massive failure.

Among the glitterati to loan there sheen to Mr. Marshall's failed vision of comic romance are Ashton Kutcher as a flower shop owner and Jennifer Garner as, prepare for the surprising twist, the best friend he's always loved but didn't know it. He's just become engaged to Morley (Jessica Alba) who is carrying on an affair with her blackberry. Meanwhile the best friend is sleeping with a married man (Patrick Dempsey).

Don't worry, like all despicable married men in romantic comedies, he's leaving his fabulously wealthy wife and children to be with his poor school teacher mistress. I must say, I did marvel at Mr. Marshall's ability to cram that many well wrung clichés into one storyline.

There are several thousand other stars in Valentine's Day including Oscar winners (Julia Roberts, Shirley MacLaine), Oscar nominees (Anne Hathaway, Queen Latifah), TV stars (Eric Dane and Dempsey both from Grey's Anatomy, Kutcher and Topher Grace from That 70's Show) and even pop stars and Twilighters (Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner as the most vapid characters in an entirely vapid movie).

There are still countless other well known people in Valentine's Day but who really cares. At some point we in the audience belong to some weird version of Hollywood census takers, right down to the questions of demography as many characters are defined by their race in the most statistical of fashion. 

To count the ways that Valentine's Day is offensive would actually take longer than my list of reasons for hating director Garry Marshall. The film isn't merely a recycling dump of romantic clichés; it's also a garbage dump of racial and sexual stereotypes. Oh. And don't even ask about sex because despite the theme, sex is purely something that exists the night before Valentine's Day and not the day of. 

Ludicrously awful, Valentine's Day attempts to mask the odor of it's inanity with a traffic jam of celebrity. The pretty people wandering in and out of the 50 or so failed movies jammed into this one movie fails to distract from the sheer brainless insipidity of Valentine's Day.

Movie Review: The Prince and Me

The Prince and Me (2004)

Directed by Martha Coolidge 

Written by Jack Amiel, Michael Begler, Katherine Fugate 

Starring Julia Stiles, Luke Mably, Ben Miller, James Fox, Miranda Richardson

Release date April 2nd, 2004

Published April 1st, 2004 

I find it weirdly fascinating that to this day the film that so many women I know believe is the ultimate romantic fantasy is Pretty Woman. Pretty Woman is an awful movie about a sex worker who gets picked out of obscurity by a rich guy and the whole thing is played like the ultimate romantic fantasy, as of all sex workers are just one super rich guy from no longer having to live and work in the streets. This is the height of romantic fantasy for some? 

For a more lighthearted romantic fantasy with grounding in something much more wholesome than the sex trade, see The Prince and Me with Julia Stiles. It’s a classic romantic fantasy about the commoner who marries a prince. While it lacks Julia Roberts’ blazing charisma, it too has its charms.

Julia Stiles stars in The Prince and Me as Paige Morgan, a Wisconsin University senior with plans for post-graduate education at Johns Hopkins medical school. She refuses to be distracted by anything, especially a boyfriend. This is, of course, when she meets Eddie (Luke Mably), a handsome foreigner who immediately gets on her nerves. Of course they are forced together as lab partners in an important class and Eddie gets a job on campus at the same bar where Paige works.

This is your typical forced romantic setup except that Eddie also happens to be Prince Edward of Denmark. He does not tell Paige about his royal heritage, even after she is kind enough to bring him to her home for Thanksgiving dinner. Paige lives on a dairy farm, which not surprisingly this gives Eddie a number of opportunities to do the kind of fish out of water comedy bits that are the bread and butter of hack screenwriting.

I will give them credit for one inspired bit of Wisconsin humor, watching Eddie compete in a lawn mower race and then brawl with locals makes for a couple of unexpectedly funny scenes. I do have a few questions about this sequence however. It’s Thanksgiving in Wisconsin and it’s sunny and 60 degrees? I seriously doubt that.

Eventually Paige will find out Eddie is actually Prince Edward and various other romantic complications will all lead up to the grand romantic gesture and lets not kid ourselves, it’s no spoiler to say this will have a happy ending. Still, how it gets there is a sweet, often charming story. Stiles and Mably have good chemistry and make a lovely couple. My only quibble is that they’re not very funny. While I liked the actors, both are rather wooden and neither is a great comedic presence.

Director Martha Coolidge is more than capable behind the camera and at times you can see some flares of style. There is an ephemeral look to some of the romantic scenes and like many romantic fantasies she uses a little of that “Barbara Walters lighting” that gives everything a soft edge. Nothing new, but very comfortable and relaxing. There isn’t much for a director to do with a script that is pretty much on auto pilot on it’s way to happily ever after.

The film’s biggest problem is it’s ending. We get what we expect from romantic fantasies but the film tries to get clever about it and ends ups making the characters look very stupid. A simple romantic complication that could have been summed up in two or three lines of dialogue is instead dragged out over another five minutes screen-time. At 110 minutes, the film is way too long and the extended ending makes it feel even longer.

Nevertheless, as romantic fantasies go, I would prefer my daughter (if I had one) to have this fantasy over Pretty Woman any day. It’s charming and sweet with a pair of actors that are destined for greater things.