Classic Movie Review Singles

Singles (1992) 

Directed by Cameron Crowe

Written by Cameron Crowe 

Starring Bridget Fonda, Campbell Scott, Kyra Sedgwick, Matt Dillon 

Release Date September 18th, 1992 

"I was just... nowhere near your neighborhood" - Steve Dunne (Campbell Scott) Singles 

My first conception of romantic love was shaped by Cameron Crowe and the movie Singles. I was 16 years old and, like every 16 year old, I thought I knew everything. I'd had a girlfriend and we had played at what it is like to be an adult couple. But it was just play. We had no actual concept of what we were doing and were far too immature to understand what was at stake when you are toying with emotions and saying 'I love you' without really knowing what that meant. 

Then I saw Singles and I suddenly realized that what I thought was love was just the chaotic lust of being young. I saw a romance on the big screen that made sense to me for the first time. I had the broad strokes idea of what romance was, but far from a whole picture. Then I heard that line, 'I was just nowhere near your neighborhood,' and it clicked for me. The idea of romance and lust, love and reality, all came together in this linear puzzle in my mind. I was still an immature, headstrong child, but Singles had shown me that relationships were more than just make out sessions on a couch and that getting to know someone, struggling with them, meeting them on a truly emotional level, that was the goal, that's where fulfillment was. I've chased that feeling ever since.

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media, linked here. 

Classic Movie Review Clerks

Clerks (1994) 

Directed by Kevin Smith 

Written by Kevin Smith 

Starring Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Marilyn Ghigliotti, Lisa Spoonauer, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith 

Release Date October 19th, 1994 

Published September 13th, 2022 

I was in my second year of college in 1995 when my communications teacher told us that we were having some kind party instead of a class the next week. Since I was known for knowing a lot about movies, my Professor asked me to bring along some movies that we could watch as a class. I didn't hesitate in accepting and I knew exactly what movie it was that I wanted to show. Please keep in mind, this is a college course, a room full of adults. I assumed a room full of adults would be able to handle a little bit of raunchy humor from what was, at the time, my favorite movie, Clerks. 

How was I supposed to know that my fellow students were a bunch of uptight squares who get squeamish at hearing the words 'blowjob' or 'd***.' We made it through the scene in Clerks where Veronica (Marilyn Ghigliotti) explains to her boyfriend, our main character, Dante (Brian O'Halloran), what the term 'Snowball' means, in terms of sexual slang. At that point our mortified professor forced me to turn off the VHS tape and choose something else. I chose my second choice, a Robin Williams Comedy special, which turned out to be equally filthy and was subsequently abandoned early as well. Looking back, I would do it all over again. I've never been a troll in my life, but I got to be, unintentionally, one of those rebellious souls who shocks the squares with their off-color antics. It felt good, for a moment. Now, it's a cringy and embarrassing memory, but one I can laugh at.

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media, linked here. 

Classic Movie Review I'll Do Anything

I'll Do Anything (1994)

Directed by James L. Brooks

Written by James L. Brooks

Starring Nick Nolte, Albert Brooks, Julie Kavner, Whittni Wright, Joely Richardson 

Release Date February 4th, 1994

Published February 7th, 1994 

On the surface, I'll Do Anything looks like a norm-core, slightly meta, Hollywood pastiche. It's about a struggling actor named Matt Hobbs (Nick Nolte) who unexpectedly gets custody of his 8 year old daughter, Jeannie (Whittni Wright). While she will start a Hollywood career of her own, Matt struggles to find work and remain relevant in a careless, thoughtless, Hollywood where even having a long ago Emmy nomination is not enough to help you find gainful employment in movies or TV. 

In its subplots, that normie, been there, done that quality remains as we follow Albert Brooks as a hack movie producer in the Joel Silver-Jerry Bruckheimer vein. Brooks' Burke Adler is obsessed with audience scores and the kind of math that somehow only makes sense to Hollywood executives. Burke's function is to provide a minor villain character but Brooks is far too appealing, even as a bit of a scumbag, for his villain qualities to take hold.

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media, linked here. 

Classic Movie Review The Paper

The Paper (1994) 

Directed by Ron Howard 

Written by David Koepp, Steven Koepp

Starring Michael Keaton, Marisa Tomei, Randy Quaid, Glen Close, Robert Duvall

Release Date March 18th, 1994 

Published April 3rd, 2024

The Paper stars Michael Keaton as Henry Hackett, Metro Editor for a New York City tabloid perpetually on the brink of closing. With a baby on the way, with his reporter wife, Martha (Marisa Tomei), Henry is plotting an exit from the paper. On this day, as we join the story, Henry has an interview with a Wall Street Journal style, internationally respected newspaper. Henry doesn't want the job. He wants the money but he'd much rather stay at his current employer where he can get his hands dirty. Instead of being behind a desk with a fat paycheck, Henry needs the excitement of the metro page. 

Making Henry's choice to stay or go at his current gig difficult is his rival, Alicia (Glenn Close). Alicia is a former reporter and editor who is now a bean counter. She makes big decisions based on budgets instead of journalism and Henry resents her for switching sides. Henry doesn't want to end up working under Alicia and her penny pinching, thus another reason he's considering leaving. Holding him in place is his current boss, Bernie (Robert Duvall), a legendary editor and the final word at the paper. As long as Bernie is there, Alicia is mostly neutralized. But how much longer does Bernie have?

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media, linked here. 

Classic Movie Review As Good as It Gets

As Good As it Gets (1997) 

Directed by James L. Brooks

Written by James L. Brooks, Mark Andrus 

Starring Jack Nicholson, Helen Hunt, Greg Kinnear 

Release Date December 25th, 1997

Published April 22nd, 2023 

As Good As It Gets stars Jack Nicholson as Melvin Udall a famed writer struggling and suffering from a severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Melvin is a hateful person, stunted by his various fears and mental health problems. At the diner he goes to everyday as part of his O.C.D routine, he meets and falls for Carol, a waitess and single mother to a sick child. When she's not able to be at work because her son is sick, a misguided Melvin sends a doctor to her house out of the selfish desire to have his chosen waitress at his chosen diner. 

Meanwhile, at home, at Melvin's apartment, he has a new neighbor. And, he's not happy about. The neighbor, Simon, is an artist and gay man who is recovering from having been assaulted and left terrified of the outside world. Melvin, naturally, is insensitive to the point of cruelty. That said, via Simon and a burgeoning friendship, based on Melvin helping to care for Simon's dog, Melvin starts to become a better person, He grows less cruel when confronted with Simon's decency and humanity. Through Simon, Melvin will discover more of the shortcomings in himself that work to keep him miserable and alone.

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media, linked here. 

Movie Review Cops and Robbersons

Cops and Robbersons (1994) 

Directed by Michael Ritchie 

Written by Bernie Somers 

Starring Chevy Chase, Jack Palance

Release Date April 15th, 1994

Published May 28th, 2024 

Cops and Robbersons is a terrible movie. That's probably why no one reading this review has any memory of it. So why are we talking about it today? Well, it's the subject of the latest edition of the I Hate Critics 1994 Podcast. And that's the only reason why I am bringing it up here today. I was forced to watch it by circumstance and I need to find some kind of value in the experience, aside from having mocked the movie on the podcast. 

Thus, I want to illustrate the bankruptcy of comic ideas in Cops and Robbersons. Think of it as a warning for future filmmakers, don't make the mistakes that director Michael Ritchie made as he brought this comic abomination to life while dealing with the massive ego and drug problems of one of Hollywood's least liked figures, star Chevy Chase. If you don't know, a large portion of Hollywood hates Chevy Chase and he hates them right back. Bitter about not being treated like the star he believes he is, Chase has made a habit of ruining projects on a whim and that appears to be the energy he brought to this movie.

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media, linked here. 

Classic Movie Review Renaissance Man

Renaissance Man (1994) 

Directed by Penny Marshall 

Written by Jim Burnstein 

Starring Danny Devito, Mark Wahlberg, Gregory Hines, James Remar, Cliff Robertson

Release Date June 3rd, 1994

Published June 5th, 2024 

When I described what the movie Renaissance Man was about to my co-hosts on the I Hate Critics 1994 Podcast, they refused to believe that I was telling the truth. They refused to believe that Danny Devito plays an advertising executive who becomes a teacher on a military base and saves a group of at-risk soldiers by teaching them Shakespeare via hip hop. Reading back my description, I can understand the incredulous responses of my co-hosts. Reading back my own description, I can't really believe that the movie Renaissance Man exists. I also cannot believe that a movie this hackneyed and mawkish was directed by someone as talented as Penny Marshall. In fact, I choose to believe this was directed by her hack brother Garry as this is exactly the kind of tripe he always directed. 

Indeed, Renaissance Man stars Danny Devito as Bill Rago, a raging jerk of an ad-man who gets himself quite reasonably fired from his job for showing up late and generally bungling a big client meeting through his selfish, self-serving, arrogant, narcissism. Pro-Tip for screenwriters, how you introduce your main character is important, if you don't intend for us to hate your main character, come up with a way to introduce him that doesn't make us automatically loathe his presence. The fact this is Danny Devito and I cannot stand this character, says a lot. Devito is a beloved actor and seeing him in a lead role in a comedy should be welcoming. It's most assuredly not welcoming in Renaissance Man.

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media, linked here. 

Classic Movie Review Wolf

Wolf (1994) 

Directed by Mike Nichols 

Written by Jim Harrison, Wesley Strick 

Starring Jack Nicholson, Michele Pfeiffer, James Spader, Kate Nelligan, Christopher Plummer 

Release Date June 17th, 1994 

Published June 23rd, 2024

Why would a director like Mike Nichols, known for classy dramas about classy characters, deconstructed by Nichols talented wit, want to make a horror movie? It's just not his genre. Horror is not in Mike Nichols' wheelhouse. As evidenced by Nichols' only horror movie, 1994's Wolf, he doesn't have the stomach for it. Bloodless, dull, and mildly embarrassing for all involved, Wolf is one of the most curiously bad movies of 1994. 

Will Randal (Jack Nicholson) is a book editor with a great reputation and a loyal core of popular authors. However, he's also a bit of a pushover. Thus, when his job is on the line, he doesn't have the instincts needed to see that his youthful protege, Stewart (James Spader), has been angling for his job as Editor in Chieff of a prestigious book company. The company has just been taken over by a billionaire magnate, played by Christopher Plummer, who appreciates Stewart's cutthroat approach.

Find my full length review at Horror.Media, linked here. 

Movie Review Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump (1994)

Directed by Robert Zemeckis 

Written by Eric Roth 

Starring Tom Hanks, Robin Wright, Gary Sinise, Sally Field 

Release Date July 6th, 1994 

Published July 12th, 1994 

I Hate Forrest Gump. I despise this movie. I cannot stand anything about Forrest Gump. I love Tom Hanks, I think he's deservedly one of our most beloved actors. He's incredibly talented. But this movie is the worst of his career. This basic bitch of a movie holds your hand and drags you to every empty emotion it is trying to evoke. Nostalgia porn is the most simplistic interpretation of Forrest Gump but it's so much worse than that. It's ugly, self-congratulatory Boomer nostalgia porn. 

Forrest Gump was born a little slow. He has an I.Q of 75. But his mama, played by Sally Field, refuses to let him be treated differently from the other kids. Mama Gump sleeps with a school principal to get Forrest into public school beginning a trend where everyone around Forrest Gump has to suffer to make his life possible. So, mama gets Forrest into school where he is bullied relentlessly.

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media, linked here. 

Classic Movie Review Renaissance Man

Renaissance Man (1994) 

Directed by Penny Marshall 

Written by Jim Burnstein 

Starring Danny Devito, Mark Wahlberg, Gregory Hines, James Remar, Cliff Robertson

Release Date June 3rd, 1994

Published June 5th, 2024 

When I described what the movie Renaissance Man was about to my co-hosts on the I Hate Critics 1994 Podcast, they refused to believe that I was telling the truth. They refused to believe that Danny Devito plays an advertising executive who becomes a teacher on a military base and saves a group of at-risk soldiers by teaching them Shakespeare via hip hop. Reading back my description, I can understand the incredulous responses of my co-hosts. Reading back my own description, I can't really believe that the movie Renaissance Man exists. I also cannot believe that a movie this hackneyed and mawkish was directed by someone as talented as Penny Marshall. In fact, I choose to believe this was directed by her hack brother Garry as this is exactly the kind of tripe he always directed. 

Indeed, Renaissance Man stars Danny Devito as Bill Rago, a raging jerk of an ad-man who gets himself quite reasonably fired from his job for showing up late and generally bungling a big client meeting through his selfish, self-serving, arrogant, narcissism. Pro-Tip for screenwriters, how you introduce your main character is important, if you don't intend for us to hate your main character, come up with a way to introduce him that doesn't make us automatically loathe his presence. The fact this is Danny Devito and I cannot stand this character, says a lot. Devito is a beloved actor and seeing him in a lead role in a comedy should be welcoming. It's most assuredly not welcoming in Renaissance Man. 

Out of a job, Bill goes to the unemployment office were we get our third exposition dump in the first 15 minutes of this dreadful movie. Jennifer Lewis, a wonderful character actor, lays out the plot for us, does a bit of needless business that someone making this movie thought was funny, and then sends Bill on to the actual plot of the film. The unemployment office has found Bill a job on a military base. Since he has a masters degree, Bill will be teaching Basic Comprehension to a group of soldiers on the brink of being kicked out of the Army. 

The ragtag crew includes bumpkins and poor people of varying ethnicity. They bicker and bully and have no interest in saving their military careers until Bill decides to teach them Shakespeare. Apparently, learning and reciting Hamlet is somehow enough for these soldier to stay in the military after being on the brink of being kicked out? Who knows, this movie is so thoroughly idiotic that these soldiers could have watched a newsreel about venereal diseases and as long as they actually showed up, they would have been safe. So why does Bill even need to be here? Truly? The final exam for this 'Basic Comprehension' course that Bill randomly turns into a class on Shakespeare, is OPTIONAL. They don't have to take the final exam and they get to stay in the Army. What even is this movie? 

Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. 

Classic Movie Review The Crow

The Crow (1994) 

Directed by Alex Proyas 

Written by David J. Schow, John Shirley

Starring Brandon Lee, Ernie Hudson, Michael Wincott, Bai Ling, Michael Massee 

Release Date May 13th, 1994

Published May 21st, 2024 

The Crow is a haunting experience in more ways than one. It's a beautifully told tragic love story of grand ambition and a memorable goth aesthetic. But's also a virtual tomb for star Brandon Lee. Lee was killed in an on set accident that haunts every single frame of the movie. The dark coincidence of Lee dying while playing a character who was already dead adds a chilling layer to the movie that was, obviously never intended. And yet, the tragedy also deepens our connection to the character of Eric Draven and the romantic tragedy that was supposed to be his defining characteristic.

In Detroit, Devil's Night is a tradition in which the criminal underworld rises up to remind the populace who is really in charge of the city. This is a city of criminals, mercenaries, and crime lords who assert dominance through violence. Making people afraid is good for business and thus, when Shelly, a lovely young, soon to be married young woman complains about the condition of the apartment she shares with her soon to be husband, Eric (Lee), reprisal is needed to show her and everyone else that the apartment owner is not to be trifled with.

It's genuinely unknown if the criminals who attacked Shelly on Devil's Night intended to kill her or just violently terrify her into silence. Regardless, when Eric arrives and interrupts the violent encounter, the stakes go up and Eric is killed. Shelly will die soon after from the horrific injuries inflicted upon her. The pure agony of these deaths are a wound on the universe. It's as if the price paid by Shelly and Eric was so out of proportion to the good in the world that the universe needed to offer a correction of some sort. Therein lies The Crow.

A year after his death, with the despair and agony of his death still lingering over the people who knew and cared about he and Shelly, Eric Draven rises from the grave. A singular crow stands atop his grave and will guide Eric on his brief sojourn back into the world of the living. The bargain the universe has made to balance the scales for the death of Eric and Shelly, is to have Eric return to the Earth to kill the men who killed Shelly. This includes everyone who attacked Shelly in the apartment and the man who orchestrated the attack, a crime boss nicknamed Top Dollar (Michael Wincott).

Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. 

Classic Movie Review Dream Lover

Dream Lover (1994) 

Directed by Nicholas Kazan

Written by Nicholas Kazan

Starring James Spader, Madchen Amick, Bess Armstrong, Larry Miller

Release Date May 6th, 1994 

Published May 6th 2024 

Okay, so hear me out, this is my secret plan. I saw this guy who is really handsome and rich and has his own business. So, what I am going to do is steal his money. Here's how I am going to do it, stay with me, it's complicated. So, I am waiting for him to finalize his divorce. Then, several weeks or perhaps months, after he's been on a bunch of dates with a bunch of women he's not interested in, I will meet him at this art opening that he's supposed to be attending. 

At the art gallery, while he's talking to another woman he's not interested in, I will position myself behind him with a glass of wine. When he turns around, I will say he spilled wine all over me and then storm out without giving him my name. Then, the next day, I will follow him when he's grocery shopping and approach him. Then, he will follow me and ask me to dinner. I will let him take me to dinner but then, I won't tell him how to get in touch with me for another date. 

My plan indicates that he will be so besotted with me that he will start stalking me, not knowing that I am already stalking him. Then, he will see me come home with another man and when that man leaves, he will find a way to find which speaker is connected to my apartment. And then I will let him come in and somehow, I will have just been in the shower, even though I was just answering my door to let him in my building. Then I will have sex with him after he jealously berates me for information about the guy who just left. I will say that guy's gay, so I save this guy's ego. 

So, we have sex and then several months later of us dating and having sex, we will get married. And then, after we've been married for a few months, I will have a baby. And then, after we've been married a few years, I will have another baby. And then, a few months after that, I will start leaving obvious clues about having an affair. And when he gets super-jealous and punches me in the face, I won't have him arrested, I will have him committed and once he's deemed crazy, boom, divorce, I take his money and the kids. 

What do you think? Don't worry about the hitting thing, he will punch me in the face and slap me and I will still put on makeup to fool the doctors that I was abused. I mean, I will have been abused but I am crazy, so I have to make it look like I am lying for no good reason. Then it will only confuse my husband and father of my children even more. Because I am crazy. It's a foolproof plan, it can't fail unless he somehow tricks me into going to see him at the asylum on the ruse that he's figured out my dastardly scheme and then chokes me to death using the excuse that he's crazy as cover so he can get out of the hospital when he recovers. But really, what are the chances of that happening right? 

That mulit-paragraph plot is the actual plot of the 1994 movie Dream Lover, from the perspective of Madchen Amick's crazy wife character Mina. It's my interpretation of her plan and it hopefully illustrates just how desperately convoluted this plot is. Written and directed by Nicholas Kazan, the character of Mina marries and has kids and builds a perfect upper class New York life with Ray Reardon, played by James Spader, all so that after 5 years of wedded bliss, she can blow up the whole thing to steal his money. 

Find my full length review in the Geeks Community on Vocal. 

Horror in the 90's Brainscan

Brainscan (1994) 

Directed by John Flynn 

Written by Andrew Kevin Walker 

Starring Edward Furlong, Amy Hargreaves, T. Ryder Smith, Frank Langella 

Release Date April 22nd, 1994 

Published April 29th, 2024 

When I saw that the sci-fi horror movie Brainscan was written by Andrew Kevin Walker, famed screenwriter of David Fincher's Seven and the credited screenwriter on several famous Blacklist screenplays, I got a little excited. Walker is a brilliant, risky, and unpredictable screenwriter with a lurid edge to his work. I went from having exceedingly low expectations to curious and hopeful. Then, I watched Brainscan and my hopes were dashed. It turns out, Andrew Kevin Walker wrote and sold the screenplay seven years before it arrived in theaters as a very, very different movie. 

Brainscan stars Edward Furlong, fresh off his blockbuster role in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, as horror movie junkie, Michael. Michael's life revolves around horror movies. Alongside his best bud forever, Kyle (Jamie Marsh), Michael runs a horror movie club at school. The club has even attracted Michael's crush, his next door neighbor Kimberly (Amy Hargreaves), who we first meet as Michael is spying on her with a telescope as she undresses in front of her bedroom window, which is completely open. This is so the screenwriters can cheat and have dialogue indicating that Kimberly wants Michael to spy on her. 

See, he's not a creep, it's a weird fetish thing. It's totally okay. Not hard to tell that men wrote and directed Brainscan, is it? Anyway, getting past what a little creep Michael is, let's get back to his horror movie obsession. While reading Fangoria Magazine, in a bid for free coverage from the magazine, yay corporate synergy, am I right, anyway, Michael finds an ad for a new CD-Rom horror game called Brainscan. The game promises an immersive experience as you go inside the perspective of a serial murderer as he carries out a murder. 

As the title and plot indicate, Michael orders the game and sets about playing it while his friend's are having a party next door. Once the game begins, the outside world fades away and Michael finds himself inside a stranger's bedroom. There is a knife in his hand and Michael watches helplessly as the man is stabbed to death. We watch everything from the killer's perspective, as if Michael were the killer and we were in Michael's head. Waking up the next morning after playing the game, Michael is deeply disturbed. 

It turns out, spoiler alert: Michael was the one killing this guy. It turns out that the guy who got murdered is from Michael's neighborhood and the cops, headed up by Detective Hayden (Frank Langella) are crawling all over the place. When Michael runs home, having discovered that he was a killer, he encounters the breakout character of 1994, The Trickster (T. Ryder Smith). The Trickster is the host of Brainscan leading Michael through the four stages of gameplay. First up was the murder. Next, Michael has to play the game again if he wants to destroy the evidence that he's the killer. 

Find my full length review on Vocal's Horror Community 

Classic Movie Review Clifford

Clifford (1994) 

Directed by Paul Flaherty 

Written by Jay Dee Rock, Steven Kampman 

Starring Martin Short, Charles Grodin, Mary Steenburgen, Dabney Coleman 

Release Date April 1st, 1994

Published April 1st, 2024 

There has been a minor reassessment of the movie Clifford in recent years. Famously, actor Nicolas Cage spoke about being a fan of the film in relating a story about meeting Martin Short. The idea that Nicolas Cage fan-girled at meeting Martin Short and peppered him with praise for Clifford is a better and funnier story than anything in Clifford. I think there are people who adopted Clifford as their movie simply to be different from the rest of the world which roundly rejected this bizarre failure. Other than Nicolas Cage, who is seemingly incapable of irony, no one actually likes Clifford, they like being the person who says that they like Clifford. 

Clifford stars Martin Short as the title character, Clifford, a deeply spoiled and entitled 10 year old boy. On a trip to Hawaii, Clifford manages to nearly crash a plane in hopes of landing in Los Angeles where he hopes to take a trip to Dinosaur World. Clifford's parents, desperate to get away from their child, drop Clifford with his Uncle Martin (Charles Grodin). The timing is fortuitous for Martin who needs to convince his girlfriend, Sarah (Mary Steenburgen) that he likes kids and has a special relationship with his nephew. 

Unfortunately for Martin, he is not aware that his nephew is a 10 year old sociopath. Clifford's single minded desire to go to Dinosaur World leads him to destroy every aspect of his Uncle's life including breaking up Martin and Sarah, getting Martin fired from his job, and getting Martin arrested for planning to bomb City Hall. All of this is revenge for Martin failing to take Clifford to see Dinosaur World. All the while, Clifford plays the innocent child when Sarah or anyone else is around while turning malevolent when it's just he and his Uncle Martin. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

 

Classic Movie Review Car 54, Where Are You

Car 54, Where Are You? (1994) 

Directed by Bill Fishman

Written by Erik Tarloff, Ebbe Roe Smith, Peter McCarthy, Peter Crabbe

Starring David Johansen, John C. McGinley, Rosie O'Donnell, Fran Drescher, Nipsey Russell, Daniel Baldwin. 

Release Date January 28th, 1994

Published January 29th, 1994

If you think the Hollywood of today is fearful of releasing musicals, considering that both Wonka and Mean Girls were seemingly released without telling anyone they were musicals, you should see how scared of musicals Hollywood execs were in the early 1990s. Hollywood was so afraid of musicals in the early 1990s that they made two of them and then refused to release them as musicals. Two movies, released within one week of each other in 1994, began life as musicals and arrived in theaters minus most of their musical numbers. 

Naturally, that's not easy to do. In the case of the next movie I will be talking about for this series, I'll Do Anything, an entire film score written and performed by Prince, was scrapped after poor test screenings. This is deeply ironic as one of the songs was literally intended as the lament of a Hollywood movie producer character racked with angst over poor test screening scores. Hiring Prince to write and perform a film score is not cheap, scrapping it after paying him seems even more insane and expensive and yet that's what happened. 

The other musical that became not a musical just before being released in theaters was the film adaptation of the short lived 1950s sitcom, Car 54 Where Are You. The original concept for Car 54 Where Are You was as a painfully modern musical and an edgy reboot for one of the most edge-free sitcoms of Boomer youth. Instead of following the travails of cop buddies Toody and Muldoon as they try and trick their wives into letting them go fishing instead of spending time with their family, we have Toody, as played by David Johansen, delivering a hip hop infused dream sequence where he boogies while being celebrated as a neighborhood hero. 

This is one of two songs that producers felt they had to keep in Car 54 Where Are You. The other comes late in the film as Johansen jumps into sing a song that vaguely resembles his late 80s one-hit-wonder Hot, Hot Hot. All other songs have been excised, aside from a brief and deeply unfortunate scene where a pair of rappers encourage Jeremy Piven to attempt to beatbox. It's even more cringe-inducing than you imagine. Piven is a plot point character, a former mob account that Toody is assigned to keep safe. Naturally, our bumbling hero fumbles this task and the last act is trying to save Piven from a mobster played with dopey, broad, hamminess by Daniel Baldwin, the discount Baldwin brother. 

John C. McGinley is wasted in Car 54 Where Are You. Though the original series centered on the long term friendship and partnership of Toody and Muldoon, the movie transforms Muldoon into a no-nonsense rookie officer who gives tickets for Jaywalking or Spitting on the sidewalk. And, in another in a lengthy series of regrettable and poorly aged scenes, he tries to shoot a child suspect in the back as the child flees after stealing a $5.00 sandwich from a deli. Muldoon misses shooting the child and is lucky that he only shoots a watermelon as he fired into a crowd of people on a New York street. 

Click here for my review 

Classic Movie Review The Paper

The Paper (1994) 

Directed by Ron Howard 

Written by David Koepp, Steven Koepp

Starring Michael Keaton, Marisa Tomei, Randy Quaid, Glen Close, Robert Duvall

Release Date March 18th, 1994 

Published 

The Paper stars Michael Keaton as Henry Hackett, Metro Editor for a New York City tabloid perpetually on the brink of closing. With a baby on the way, with his reporter wife, Martha (Marisa Tomei), Henry is plotting an exit from the paper. On this day, as we join the story, Henry has an interview with a Wall Street Journal style, internationally respected newspaper. Henry doesn't want the job. He wants the money but he'd much rather stay at his current employer where he can get his hands dirty. Instead of being behind a desk with a fat paycheck, Henry needs the excitement of the metro page. 

Making Henry's choice to stay or go at his current gig difficult is his rival, Alicia (Glenn Close). Alicia is a former reporter and editor who is now a bean counter. She makes big decisions based on budgets instead of journalism and Henry resents her for switching sides. Henry doesn't want to end up working under Alicia and her penny pinching, thus another reason he's considering leaving. Holding him in place is his current boss, Bernie (Robert Duvall), a legendary editor and the final word at the paper. As long as Bernie is there, Alicia is mostly neutralized. But how much longer does Bernie have? 

These questions roil beneath the surface creating tension while the bigger story begins to unfold. The paper has missed a big story. Last night, a pair of businessmen were gunned down and every other newspaper in town ran with the story. The paper is playing catch up and Henry is determined not to get scooped for a second day in a row. He wants to know the moment an arrest is made so they can get the picture and the story on the front page that night. But first, what if the story is wrong? What if the eventual arrest of two black teenagers for the crime is wrong? 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Horror in the 90s: Leprechaun 2

Leprechaun 2 (1994) 

Directed by Rodman Flender

Written by Turi Meyer, Al Septien

Starring Warwick Davis, Tony Cox, Charlie Heath, Shevonne Durkin, Sandy Baron 

Release Date April 8th, 1994 

Box Office $2.3 Million 

It's an almost universal truth, if the story behind the scenes of your movie is more interesting than your movie, the movie generally stinks. This isn't always true, Titanic has a more interesting behind the scenes journey but Titanic is still quite a good movie. But, as a general rule, my point stands. Leprechaun 2 is a solid proof of concept for my thesis. The story behind Leprechaun 2 is far more interesting than this bland, boring, and unfunny comic horror movie. The first Leprechaun movie wasn't exactly a great movie either but the sequel is quite, quite bad. 

The story goes that no one behind the 1993 movie Leprechaun believed that the film would be a hit. Then, the film made 8 times its miniscule budget back in theatric grosses and became a home video monster, hitting the VHS market and becoming cash machine. So, of course, marketers with dollar signs dancing in their heads needed a sequel and immediately approached director Mark Jones and star Jennifer Aniston for a sequel. And, they both said no. Now, Jones wasn't a hard no, he was just busy making another horror movie called Rumpelstiltskin, a horror movie we all remember and revere today, I'm sure. 

Jennifer Aniston meanwhile is reported to have laughed so hard at the idea of leaving Friends for a sequel to Leprechaun that her guffaw could be heard across the galaxy. Friends wasn't yet the global phenomenon that it would become, but it was more than enough of a good reason for Aniston to blow off the makers of Leprechaun 2 in no uncertain terms. And so it was, without the man who wrote and directed the hit original and no Jennifer Aniston, the makers of Leprechaun 2 had only their Leprechaun, Warwick Davis, and nothing else in place. 

Find my full length review at Horror.Media 

Classic Movie Review Four Weddings and a Funeral

Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994) 

Directed by Mike Newell

Written by Richard Curtis 

Starring Hugh Grant, Andie McDowell, John Hannah, Simon Callow, Kristen Scott Thomas 

Release Date April 15th, 1994 

Published April 15th, 1994 

Four Weddings and a Funeral is exactly what the title says it is, four weddings and one funeral over a period of about a year in the life of a group of British friends. Charles (Hugh Grant) seems to attend a wedding a week these days. Despite his deplorable record as a ladies man, which will play out through the series of weddings that occur, Charles keeps getting invited to weddings and goes in with the hope of hooking up. He's cynical about love but secretly a romantic. We will learn this via his strange and strained relationship with Carrie (Andie McDowell). 

At the first of four weddings Charles attends he's the best man. Naturally, he nearly ruins the wedding by forgetting the rings. Thankfully, his friends, Tom (James Fleet), Gareth (Simon Callow), Matthew (John Hannah), and Fiona (Kristen Scott Thomas), along with Charles' sister, Scarlett (Charlotte Coleman), are able to bail him out. Narrowly avoiding that disaster, Charles stumbles into a potential non-disaster when he meets Carrie. For Charles, it's love at first sight. For Carrie, she seems to like the floppy Englishman but it takes a minute for her to warm to him. The two end up sleeping together, after some shenanigans, but then she's off, back to America. 

Cut to wedding number 2. Charles is just a guest this time and instead of nearly ruining the wedding, the universe appears to be ruining Charles' day. Not only were he and Scarlett nearly late to the wedding, they always are, he ends up at the reception sat at a table with not one, not two, but three of his ex-girlfriends. Each takes the time to tell a story about Charles, ones in which he appears to insult one of the other two exes. It's a catastrophe but one that he hope might be mitigated when he sees that Carrie has come to this wedding as well. This too however, is a disaster as Carrie is here with her new fiancée. This doesn't stop Charles and Carrie from hooking up but it's certainly not a good indication of long term plans. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media