Movie Review The Belko Experiment

The Belko Experiment (2017) 

Directed by Greg McLean 

Written by James Gunn

Starring John Gallagher Jr, Adria Arjona, John C. McGinley 

Release Date March 17th 

Published March 17th 

If you like mindless splatter and especially if you like exploding heads, “The Belko Experiment” is the movie for you, if not the movie for me. Though pretending toward a satire of life in a mundane office turned upside down by the absolute most violent of downsizing, “The Belko Experiment” is far too shallow for satire and far too pointless for me to care about.

John Gallagher Jr, last seen opposite crazy John Goodman in “10 Cloverfield Lane” is Mike, the office nice guy at a seemingly typical American office. Except, this office isn’t in America. Despite being populated by an assortment of run of the mill office types, this office is in Bogota, Columbia, of all places and though nondescript, the setting creates unease right off the bat.

Why are a bunch of workaday American office drones working in one of the most dangerous cities in the world, is a question that lends some early suspense to “The Belko Experiment.” It’s a clever bit of shorthand that, if you had not seen the trailer and weren’t aware of the premise of the film, you would certainly take note of the setting.

Mike’s day is mostly ordinary; he flirts with his secret office romance, Leandra (Emerald City’s Adria Arjona), he confronts the office creep, Wendell (John C. McGinley) and shares an awkward moment with the bigwig COO Barry (Tony Goldwyn) who catches him in a moment with Leandra. Everything is mundane until a heretofore unheard of public address speaker screeches to life and informs everyone that this will not be just another day at the office.

The voice on the PA instructs that the office workers must kill their co-workers or the voice will do it for them in the form of a bomb in everyone’s neck. An indication that The Belko Corporation had this bloody endgame in mind all along is that they convinced their employees to get trackers in their necks to aid them in case they get kidnapped in Bogota. The implants are now revealed to be bombs and a gruesome end is ensured for just about everyone.

“The Belko Experiment” is a spiritual cousin to the “Saw” franchise. Both films center on God-like figures setting other people up to kill or be killed in a bizarre social experiment murder spree. The difference between the “Belko” and “Saw” however is the point and purpose, “Saw” has a point and purpose and “Belko” doesn’t.

As gruesome as “Saw” unquestionably is, Jigsaw is a strangely benevolent figure. Each of Jigsaw’s victims has the chance to survive if they put aside their self-centeredness and work as a team with their fellow captives. The only reason Jigsaw victims die is because they are out for themselves and make selfish choices. There is no such equivalent in “The Belko Experiment.” This film is ONLY an exploitation splatter flick with modest, mostly unrealized pretensions toward social satire.

Is “The Belko Experiment” a good exploitation-splatter flick? Yeah, if you like that sort of thing it’s fair to say this is on the higher end of that low-end genre. The film is clever at building and sustaining tension throughout and the gore is believably visceral but it’s far too pointless for my taste. None of the blood and guts matter. The characters are far too shallow for them to matter beyond how well their heads explode.

If well rendered exploding heads is enough for you, then by all means, enjoy “The Belko Experiment.”

Movie Review: Are We Done Yet?

Are We Done Yet? (2007) 

Directed by Steve Carr

Written by Hank Nelken 

Starring Ice Cube, Nia Long, Phillip Bolden, Aleisha Allen, John C. McGinley 

Release Date April 4th, 2007

Published April 3rd, 2007 

2005's Are We There Yet(?) was a meanspirited, ugly attempt at 'family comedy'. Featuring crotch shots aplenty, nasty physical humor and ugly characters, Are We There Yet(?) set new lows for an already shallow genre. Yet, despite the films massive and obvious flaws there is now a sequel and since it would nearly impossible for this film to be worse than the original, Are We Done Yet? is better than its predecessor.

Oh, don't get me wrong, Are We Done Yet(?) is not a good movie, even by comparison, it's merely an improvement. If you consider compost an improvement over yard waste.

In Are We There Yet? Nick Person (Ice Cube) wanted to do a favor for a beautiful woman, Suzanne (Nia Long). Offering to drive her two demon children, Lindsey (Aleisha Allen) and Kevin (Phillip Bolden), to there fathers for the weekend, Nick endures unending abuse and bad behavior. Then again, he was only offering to help so he could get with the hot girl so; his motives weren't just about being a good Samaritan.

Cut to two years later and apparently Nick's gesture was a winner because he and Suzanne are married and the demon children are now his loving step kids. Having given up his sports collectibles shop, Nick has gone into the publishing biz, starting his own sports magazine where he hopes an interview with Magic Johnson can get his magazine off to a splashy start. (No points for guessing Magic will figure in to the wackiness of the films ending.)

Living in Nick's cramped bachelor pad is clearly not working, no explanation is given about why they just didn't move into the beautiful home Suzanne owned in the previous film. Needing a new home, the family heads for the country where a gorgeous old fixer upper, 3 bedroom, 2 bath, home awaits. When I say fixer upper, I am understating quite a bit. Though the real estate agent, Chuck (John C. McGinley) calls it homey and rustic, the place is clearly a dump from moment one.

Nevertheless Nick and the family move and naturally, the house begins to fall apart around them. Luckily, the crook who sold them the house is also the only licensed contractor, electrician and housing inspector in the area. Soon Chuck is living with the family and sitcomic wackiness has ensued. I'll say this for Are We Done Yet(?), at least, it is far less mean spirited than its progenitor Are We There Yet(?). That film combined an awful plot with these awful characters to create an awful moviegoing experience. The children were reprehensible, even by the standards of behavior set for movie children, coming up just short of being horror film villains in this alleged family movie.  

Are We Done Yet(?) softens the child characters from potential murderers to irritating clichés. They remain only plot devices for tweaking the always on edge Nick character but; at the very least, I don't hate them as much. Yes, I said I hated them. I realize, that to hate children is pretty extreme but if you were forced to sit through Are We There Yet? as I was, you would have hated them to. Them, their parents, their parents parents and many others.

It would have been impossible for Are We Done Yet(?) not to improve upon Are We There Yet(?) but improvement is a relative term. If getting hit by a car is an improvement over getting hit by a Mack truck. Or if getting stabbed is an improvement on being shot, then yes, improvement is the right word here. Are We Done Yet? is still an exceedingly bad movie with a rote plot and mindless characters but I will take it over the toxic poison of the previous film.

Movie Review Stealing Harvard

Stealing Harvard (2002) 

Directed by Bruce McCulloch

Written by Peter Tolan

Starring Jason Lee, Tom Green, Leslie Mann, Dennis Farina, Megan Mullally, Richard Jenkins, John C. McGinley

Release Date September 13th, 2002 

Published September 12th, 2002 

In Freddy Got Fingered, Tom Green broke every rule of good filmmaking. In doing so, he created one of the more inept films in history. On the other hand, Green should be commended for one of the boldest attempts at comedy we've ever seen. To his credit, he put himself on the line, and though he failed spectacularly, the attempt was brave and bold. If only his new film Stealing Harvard had taken some of the risks that Green did in Freddy Got Fingered, rather than churning out yet another market-tested demographically- safe comedy.

Stealing Harvard stars View Askew legend Jason Lee as John Plummer, a soon-to-be-married medical supply salesman. Years ago, John made a promise to his niece that if she got into college, he would pay for it. In the meantime, John met and fell in love with Elaine (Leslie Mann). They were engaged and agreed to get married when they accumulated enough money to buy a house. It is no surprise then that as soon as John has enough money to get married, he finds out his niece has been accepted to Harvard and needs money.

From here, the film tweaks one of my movie pet peeves. A character can easily dispel a difficult situation by simply telling the truth, but doesn't because of the plot. There is absolutely no reason for John not to tell Elaine about his problem, except that if he does there wouldn't be a movie. I can't stand this trope, it's a plague inflicted by lazy, hack screenwriters of the world.

Therefore, instead of simply telling the truth, John enlists his buddy Duff (Green) who suggests they steal the money. After a series of outlandish robbery attempts and bids to cut deals with lowlifes, John finally comes clean with Elaine, who has the brilliant idea to steal from her father (who is also John's hateful boss (Dennis Farina). She could just ask her dad for the money, and he would likely give it to her ,despite his hatred of her fiancée, but if she did that we wouldn't have the ridiculous climax and tacked on a happy ending.

Director Bruce Mcculloch, formerly of Kids In The Hall, may not have much of an eye for story, but he does manage a light quick tone and a few solid laughs. Lee is solid though some of the material is beneath his talent. Green, once again playing himself, draws some of the biggest laughs. He has an amazing talent for physical humor, and because he is so unpredictable, the comic potential of his character is attention grabbing.

Stealing Harvard never had a chance to be a good film. Coming from the big studio system, this film was engineered with demographics ahead of script. Screenwriter Peter Tolan writes as if he was creating the marketing campaign as he was creating the story. It is truly a shame, with the talent there was a very funny movie to be made. Stealing Harvard just wasn't it.