Movie Review The Hitman's Bodyguard

The Hitman's Bodyguard (2017) 

Directed by Patrick Hughes 

Written by Tom O'Connor 

Starring Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, Salma Hayek, Gary Oldman, Richard E. Grant 

Release Date August 18th, 2017 

Published August 17th, 2017

The Hitman’s Bodyguard is a very divisive film. Not because it has any challenging themes but rather because it is both a laugh riot and quite a bad movie. At once, The Hitman’s Bodyguard is very, quite intentionally, funny and quite poorly directed. I call the film divisive not because audiences will either love or loathe the film in equal measure but rather because I am divided personally by the fact that I repeatedly laughed quite loud during the film and by the fact that the film’s green screen effects, storytelling, and casting are so shoddy that at times I physically wretched.

Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson co-star in The Hitman’s Bodyguard, with Jackson as the hitman and Reynolds as the bodyguard (the too clever by half poster parodies the Whitney Houston-Kevin Costner movie). Jackson is the world’s most wanted hitman, Darius Kincaid. He’s been captured by Interpol after they arrested his wife, Sonia (Salma Hayek) and threatened to hold her in prison until he turned himself and testified against world renowned terrorist and Belarussian dictator Vladislav Dukovich (Gary Oldman, so bored of this role he can barely keep his terrible makeup job from falling off from his obvious, repeated eye-rolling).

When Interpol is compromised by the single most obvious mole in history, played by Joachim De Almeida, who might as well walk around with TRAITOR tattooed to his forehead, Agent Amelia Roussel (Elodie Yung) calls in her ex-boyfriend, Michael Bryce (Reynolds) to take Darius to court. Naturally, this court happens to be all the way across Europe and the two mismatched pals must road trip through Vlad’s terrorist gang to get to their destination.

Yeah, this plot is terrible, ludicrously, painfully obvious and extremely played out. The Hitman’s Bodyguard is forced, clichéd, and predictable to the point of torture for anyone who’s seen more than one movie in their lifetime. Director Patrick Hughes then makes matters worse by topping his bad plot with even worse direction, including special effects that make the rear-projection in Saturday Night Live skits look great by comparison.

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review Magic Mike's Last Dance

Magic Mike's Last Dance (2023) 

Directed by Steven Soderbergh 

Written by Reid Carolin 

Starring Channing Tatum, Salma Hayek

Release Date February 10th, 2023 

Published February 14th, 2023 

Can I recommend a movie solely on the strength of the sexual chemistry between the two leads? It seems like a thin premise for recommending a movie. But, Channing Tatum and Salma Hayek are so incredible together, so insanely sexy together, I kind of want to recommend Magic Mike's Last Dance. Even as the plot seems like nonsense and the story feels cobbled together on the fly, the smoldering sexual chemistry of Channing Tatum and Salma Hayek is so fiery, it's kind of worth suffering the nonsense for. 

Magic Mike's Last Dance returns Channing Tatum, and his washboard abs, to the role of Mike Lane, stripper turned furniture maker, turned bartender as we join this story. Mike's dream of making handmade furniture failed amid the pandemic and he has sustained himself as a bartender for hire at parties ever since. That's how Mike meets Maxandra (Salma Hayek). She's a bored, rich, soon to be divorced cougar who has hired Mike on the recommendation of one of her employees. 

According to said employee, Mike can give Maxandra the kind of experience she's been craving, the kind of male attention she's desired since deciding to leave her husband. Indeed, Mike reluctantly agrees to her terms and provides such an experience. Showing off his insanely sexual lap dance skills, Mike sweeps Maxandra up in a lusty tornado of writhing flesh and she's hooked immediately. Though Mike doesn't want to be a kept man, he can't resist when Maxandra asks him to follow her to London, her primary home. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review: Ask the Dust

Ask the Dust (2006) 

Directed by Robert Towne 

Written by Robert Towne 

Starring  Colin Farrell, Salma Hayek, Donald Sutherland, Idina Menzel 

Release Date March 17th, 2006

Published September 16th, 

Though one of the great screenwriters of the 70's; Robert Towne's directorial career is spotty at best. His Personal Best was groundbreaking in subject but banal in execution. Without Limits was well acted but laconic. And the less said about the Mel Gibson-Michele Pfeiffer thriller Tequila Sunrise the better. Back behind the camera for the first time in 8 years; Robert Towne's latest effort, the romance Ask The Dust, is likely his greatest failure yet.

A miscalculation of idea and performance, Ask The Dust is Towne indulging his love of Los Angeles and its history at the expense of telling an interesting story.

Colin Farrell stars in Ask The Dust as Arturo Bandini. Coming to LA in 1930, Bandini intended to write the definitive novel of that famed city. Unfortunately the city of Los Angeles in the 1930's is not as inspiring as he had hoped. The streets are dusty and dull, the people are either decrepit and living out their string or they're writers like Bandini trying to write the great American novel.

The lives of some Angelenos are less easily devised. Camilla (Salma Hayek), a waitress at a dive bar where our friend Bandini drops his last nickel on some bad coffee, claims to be an aspiring actress held back by her latino heritage. However, her real aspirations are far less obvious and eventually undone when she falls into a romance with the struggling writer.

The relationship between Bandini and Camilla is defined by conflict. Their first meeting, the bad coffee, Bandini insulted Camilla and poured his coffee all over the floor. Later, after Bandini gives a weak apology, the two share a romantic drive to the beach where Camilla implores Bandini to join her for some skinny dipping. She plays a cruel trick on him, pretending to drown, and the angry Bandini walks home the seven miles from the beach to his rundown hotel. Still the romance somehow persists.

Meanwhile Bandini has another girl, though not one he really wants anything to do with. The other woman is Vera Rivkin a needy Jewish princess, who Bandini finds passed out in his hotel room. She offers him a sad story and begs for sex which he turns down. Later, however, Bandini, after another strikeout with Camilla, does fall into Vera's arms but is blunt in telling her that he was dreaming of Camilla. Vera's character and her fate are two of the more puzzling aspects of Ask The Dust.

There are any number of puzzling things about Ask The Dust. It's clear that Director Robert Towne is crafting a dusty paean to his beloved city of Los Angeles. With the help of Cinematographer Caleb Deshanel, Towne turns his South African location into a lovely image of 1930's California. At some point however, Towne became too enamored of his scenery and neglected his characters and their romance. Thus why we get stilted angry exchanges that turn quickly to passionate love making and back again with little rhythm and zero chemistry.

Colin Ferrell's performance in Ask The Dust is, at once, the most entertaining and confusing part of the film. On the one hand, Ferrell's offbeat delivery and flashes of Johnny Depp-like tics and mannerisms are quite humorous. Unfortunately, it's unclear whether or not we are supposed to be laughing. Ferrell as Bandini schizophrenically moves from shy to belligerent, from belligerent to sweet and from sweet to cocky without warning. Caught in the maze of Robert Towne's direction, Ferrell likely just did what was asked of him in each scene, regardless of whether the performance would coherently cut together later.

The one thing that really works in Ask The Dust is Caleb Deschanel's lush and beautiful cinematography. While Farrell and Hayek bicker and antagonize us and each other, we can at the very least distract ourselves by gazing at the gorgeous sandy vistas of early South Africa standing in for 30's Los Angeles. The dusty streets and blaze orange sunsets are the stuff of picture postcards, lovely images of warmth and comfort, completely at odds with the war of the roses characters.

Movies are not supposed to work to the audiences' preconceived notions of what we think the movie should be. Movies are the visions of the filmmakers with only a modicum of consideration of what the audience might want. That still doesn't quell my disappointment over not getting what I expected from Ask The Dust. I was hoping for a classical, passionate romance with two hot stars burning up the screen and the kind of literate, well read dialogue that you get with the best literary adaptations.

What I got with Ask The Dust was angry banter that works like a sad, unintentional parody of the Cary Grant-Irene Dunne romances of the 30's and 40's.

Robert Towne is a very talented writer but his direction in Ask The Dust is as lazy as the dusty, windblown, sun drenched streets of 1930's Los Angeles. The script relies heavily on the performances of Colin Farrell and Salma Hayek who, whether they were directed this way or not, come off like petulant children playing dramatic versions of the Bickersons. Blowing the dust off of cliches of 40's melodramas, they bicker like cats and dogs and fall in love anyway. The film is updated only for the sex which runs hot and cold, but mostly cold.

Movie Review In the Time of the Butterflies

In the Time of the Butterflies (2001) 

Directed by Mariano Barroso

Written by Julia Alvarez, David Klass 

Starring Salma Hayek, Edward James Olmos, Mia Maestro, Demian Bechir, Marc Anthony 

Release Date October 21st, 2001 

Published May 5th, 2002 

I had never heard of author Julia Alvarez before I rented In the Time of the Butterflies, a film adaptation of her book of the same title. After seeing the film I'm interested in reading her book which has to be far more and enlightening and textured than the sappy, melodramatic film version of the lives of three martyred sisters.

The story begins in the late 1930's on the island of the Dominican Republic where the Marabel sisters, Minerva (Salma Hayek), Patria (Lumi Cadazos) and Maria (Mia Maestro) have finally been allowed by their parents to attend school. One day during a visit to the school by Dominican dictator Trujillo (Edward James Olmos), Minerva prevents a classmate from attempting to assassinate the dictator. Trujillo promises Minerva he will never forget her and Minerva sets out to make sure he won't.

Flash forward a few years; Minerva and her family are invited to Trujillo's mansion for a party. Trujillo asks Minerva to dance but when he gets a little too fresh with her, Minerva slaps him. Soon after, Minerva's father is arrested and Minerva must once again see the dictator to beg for her father’s freedom.

If you think this plot description is long, wait ‘til you see the film itself that is quite leisurely in pace.

Minerva goes to college and while there meets and falls in love with a revolutionary named Manolo (Demien Bechir). The two begin to try to overthrow Trujillo, fighting mostly on the information front, attempting to educate the Dominican people as to what Trujillo is doing to maintain his power. It's a good idea in theory but as the film later shows everyone is quite aware of what Trujillo was up to they were just to afraid to say anything.

It is informational gaffes like this and odd fast forwards in the timeframe that muddle the film’s narrative and keeps it's characters distant. The movie only gives us the opportunity to get to know Hayek's character while only glimpsing the other characters. From what I've read, the book is focused on all three sisters whereas the film has just one fully fleshed out character - Minerva. This semi-restricted narrative leaves the other sister’s motivations unclear. We the audience are left wondering why they joined the revolution.

Butterflies is surprisingly short at a mere 90 minutes and it's shocking violent conclusion comes almost out of nowhere. If your hoping for some insight into Dominican history and it's most infamous dictator, you won't find it here. The film buries its politics under heaping helpings of melodrama and leaden dialogue. See it for Salma Hayek whose performance is strong, but if your not a fan you can skip this one.

Movie Review Frida

Frida (2002) 

Directed by Julie Taymor

Written by Clancy Sigal, Gregory Nava

Starring Salma Hayek, Alfred Molina, Geoffrey Rush, Valeria Golino, Mia Maestro, Antonio Banderas

Release Date October 25th, 2002

Published November 2nd, 2002 

Less than two years ago, there were three Frida Kahlo film projects competing to get to the screen first. One of the films was to star Jennifer Lopez and, according to rumors, made it as far as costume and makeup tests. Another was to star Madonna and was rumored to have made it as far as location scouting. The one that finally was made stars Salma Hayek, is directed by Julie Taymor, and will go down as THE definitive telling of this brilliant artist's profound life.

In 1922 Mexico City, schoolgirl Frida Kahlo is joined with some male school friends in spying on visiting artist Diego Rivera as he paints a nude model in the school auditorium. It is the first time Rivera and Kahlo meet but certainly not the last. Before these two amazing artists finally come together, fate intervenes by way of a bus accident that almost kills Frida, but instead leaves her nearly crippled. After a year of painful operations, treatments, and endless days in bed, Frida is finally well enough to walk again and is ready to seek out Rivera to show him her art.

While she is desperate for Rivera's opinion, she cannot necessarily trust his positive assessment based on his well-known appetite for sleeping with beautiful young artists. Nevertheless, Rivera's honest love of her work begins a relationship that, though troubled, will last a long time.

Rivera, as played by a nearly unrecognizable Alfred Molina, is a proud Communist, politician and artist. Rivera is a passionate, talented artist with appetites as big as his talents are and Frida matches him all the way. However, no matter how much they respect and love each other Diego can't keep from cheating and, out of necessity for revenge, neither can Frida. Salma Hayek's performance is remarkable. Vibrant and intelligent she captures the essence of not only the legend of Kahlo but also her art. Hayek communicates from deep within herself from where the art that ended up on the canvas came. During the many years she was bedridden by her injuries, Kahlo lived inside her head, and her wild imagination, combined with her spirited life with Rivera, are what fueled her amazing works of art.

Director Julie Taymor (Titus) makes an awesome statement with this film, showing herself to be an artist to watch. Taymor--the renowned Broadway director--proves that she is also a film director we will be talking about for years to come. What is so astounding is that she takes a simple biopic and brings it to life with a wild imagination that Kahlo herself would have appreciated. The hardest part of making a film about an artist is how to show the work of art in progress. 

In Frida, Taymor chooses to go inside Kahlo's mind and allow the audience to see the painting as the artist imagined it. Through the use of some astonishing animation, the makeup and effects come to life and then melt on the canvas before our eyes. This is a truly imaginative and lovely idea, worked to near perfection.

I have always had a major pet peeve about films made in Mexico, which is that is that for some reason they always lack color. For the most part any film of Mexican or Spanish heritage seems to be washed out in a brown hue that makes everything look like it is covered in dirt. This film does not do that. Instead, it takes advantage of color, painting the screen with gorgeous color from the architecture to the costumes and, of course, to the paintings.

The film is not perfect. For one thing, I was disappointed that it was done in English instead of Spanish, a decision that seemingly was made entirely based on box office. For the purpose of artistic integrity, a film that centers around Mexican artists should be done in Spanish. It seems that Miramax, the film's producers and distributors, did not trust the audience to be intelligent enough to appreciate a film with subtitles, and accordingly, we get a film shot in Mexico City with street signs in the native language where the characters speak English.

That minor complaint aside, Frida is a remarkable film; truly beautiful and magnificent. Frida Kahlo's life was one that was well lived and well portrayed by Salma Hayek who deserves an Oscar nomination. Frida is one of the best films of 2002.

Movie Review Once Upon a Time in Mexico

Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003) 

Directed by Robert Rodriguez 

Written by Robert Rodriguez 

Starring Antonio Banderas, Johnny Depp, Salma Hayek, Mickey Rourke, Eva Mendes, Willem Dafoe

Release Date September 12th, 2003

Published September 11th, 2003 

The Auteur Theory states that the director is the author of a film. The auteur is a director whose sole artistic vision is fully realized with little compromise. Many of our most prominent directors can fit the definition of an auteur, but few can live up to the definition as much as Robert Rodriguez can. In his latest film, Once Upon A Time In Mexico, Rodriguez is credited as writer, director, producer, cinematographer, editor, production designer, and composer of the film's score. He did everything but key lights and hold the boom mic. If that is not realizing a singular vision, I don't know what is. And that singular vision is a spectacular shoot'em up that may be light on story but makes up for it with style.

Antonio Banderas returns to the role of the nameless mariachi player from El Mariachi and Desperado who dispenses justice and tunes from a killer guitar case. Having gone into hiding after the death of his wife (Salma Hayek in flashback) and child, the mariachi is brought out of retirement to kill the man who killed his family, General Marquez (Gerardo Vigil).

The mysterious man who brought the mariachi out of retirement is a shady American CIA agent named Sands (Johnny Depp). Agent Sands is carrying out a thin-ice tap dance that is playing a number of Mexican factions against each other, with Sands ending up 10 million dollars richer. He has hired the Mariachi to kill General Marquez and the General to kill the unpopular Mexican President. Sands has a major drug dealer named Barillo (Willem Dafoe) to finance the General and an ex-FBI agent (Ruben Blades) to kill the drug dealer.

Confusing? Maybe, but it doesn't matter because Johnny Depp is so damn cool. Whether the plot makes any sense or if the scheme works or doesn't work, makes little difference to Robert Rodriguez or the audience because it's all about Depp. Like a plot magician Depp does parlor tricks that make your plot reservations disappear. Whether it's Rodriguez's quick witted script or Depp's stylish delivery it all works and it's all so cool.

For his part as the lead, Banderas slips comfortably back into his Mariachi costume. It's one of the rare roles in which Banderas seems comfortable. Maybe it's because it's his third go around in the role or maybe it's his friendly director, but Banderas realizes the potential stardom that so many have expected of him, but only in this role. Any other role and Banderas appears lost.

This film's place in the El Mariachi/Desperado, line is unclear to me; it's been too long since I've seen those two films. Luckily, there is no need to remember the first two films beyond the vaguest details. Flashbacks with Salma Hayek as the Mariachi's wife are effective in providing backstory and are as stylish and cool as the scenes that surround them.

One of the things that makes Rodriguez's multi-hyphenate performance possible is the way in which he takes advantage of the most modern film technology. Using a top-of-the-line Sony digital camera, Rodriguez becomes the first filmmaker that I have seen use digital in a way that transfers to regular film stock without looking awful. His shooting style is just as impressive, entirely handheld without looking handheld. This makes Once Upon A Time In Mexico, an important moment in digital and independent filmmaking. See it for Johnny Depp. Respect it for the true independent spirit at work in its creation.

Movie Review: After the Sunset

After the Sunset (2004) 

Directed by Brett Ratner 

Written by Paul Zbyszewski, Craig Rosenberg 

Starring Pierce Brosnan, Salma Hayek, Woody Harrelson, Don Cheadle, Naomie Harris

Release Date November 12th, 2004 

Published November 11th, 2004 

Director Brett Ratner has a flair for escapist action junk.  He is the man behind the Rush Hour series. His latest escapist mainstream popcorn fare is After The Sunset, a heist comedy that is lacking a good heist and some comedy but does feature a supremely hot Salma Hayek in various stages of undress. Sometimes even bad movies have a bright side.

Pierce Brosnan stars as Max, a master thief with a particular affinity for the very rare Napoleon diamonds. What he seems to enjoy even more than the diamonds however is humiliating FBI agent Stan Lloyd, (Woody Harrelson) who is guarding the diamonds and who was held responsible when Max lifted the first one. As the story requires, Max once again humiliates Stan in a convoluted little plot with remote control cars, cat and mouse antics at a basketball game, and finally a gunshot wound for Max, though nothing serious enough to keep him from the diamond. 

The heist would not be possible without Max's better half Lola (Hayek) who runs important interference on the heist and even gets to wear a neat costume. It is Lola who decides that they are now retired and she who chooses their retirement home on a gorgeous unnamed Caribbean tourist trap island. She's happy but Max is miserable with no loot to steal and no agent Lloyd to mess with.  He is bored stiff.

Then out of the blue pops agent Lloyd and a cruise ship that just happens to be carrying the third Napoleon diamond, the only one Max hasn't stolen....allegedly. Can Max resist the temptation of the complicated and once again convoluted and over-wrought pilfering opportunity and another chance to show up Stan or will he follow Lola's admonition that they are retired and it's not worth the risk. Whether he steals the diamond or not he is guaranteed to be involved because of a local gangster (Don Cheadle) who threatens to kill him if he won't help lift the diamond.

Pierce Brosnan is trying hard to settle into post-Bond  life, though he still has one more Bond yet to come. Sadly Brosnan once again misfires on his image makeover. Brosnan is a stiff and casting him as a colorful thief in colorful surroundings only serves to show off his weakest qualities. He's charming and handsome and so very, very boring when compared to his co-stars and even the sunrise of the title is far more interesting than anything Brosnan brings to this film.

If they really wanted to have some fun with After The Sunset they should have switched a few of the roles around. Have Cheadle play the thief, Harrelson the American gangster running the island and Brosnan the straight-laced FBI guy. That at least would give Don Cheadle something more to do than just show up when the plot needs him to look mean. For some reason I can really imagine him sparking with Salma Hayek as well, something Brosnan fails at miserably.

For his part Director Brett Ratner is his calculated mainstream self. Always well aware of what test audiences are looking for, Ratner ratchets up the formula story, the recognizable faces and the entirely "lowest common denominator" plot that only few will find complicated or surprising. I will say this for Ratner, his camera loves Salma Hayek and finds new and wonderful ways of capturing her magnificent form.

As the plot clicks away through poorly executed buddy humor and lazy action setups with little if any payoff the one thing that is clear about the making of After The Sunset is that everyone on the crew must have gotten a nice tan and plenty of umbrella drinks. Otherwise there isn't much reason for this film to exist at all. This is a vacation for all involved, a chance to go to paradise on a studio dime. Can't say I blame them for living it up but would it have killed them to make a halfway decent film while they were sunning themselves?