Movie Review Son in Law (1993)

Son in Law (1993) 

Directed by Steve Rash 

Written by Fax Bahr, Adam Small, Shawn Schepps 

Starring Pauly Shore, Carla Gugino, Lane Smith, Tiffani Amber Thiessen 

Release Date July 2nd 1993 

Published July 11th, 2003 

I feel as if I need to apologize to my Everyone's a Critic 1993 co-host M.J. Being a member of Gen-Z, M.J once lived in a world where they were blissfully unaware of the existence of Pauly Shore. Our podcast has ruined that for them. M.J is now fully aware of the existence of the man once known as 'The Weezil,' and they are forever changed by this knowledge. I'm reminded of how I managed to go for over a year of the Baby Shark phenomenon without ever hearing the viral tune, only to have a co-worker destroy minus innocence and torment my mind via a shared office Alexa. 

For M.J, the Everyone's a Critic 1993 Podcast has included learning about a movie star with a confusingly large penis, they've seen not one but two terrible films starring the eminently forgettable actor, Arye Gross, and now, they know of the existence of Pauly Shore thanks to a screening of the movie Son in Law. If they weren't of legal, adult age, honestly, I might be risking arrest for having shown my young friend such horrors in just a mere six months of reflecting on the movies of 1993. 

Son in Law is a blisteringly terrible comedy in which the blindingly obnoxious Pauly Shore inflicts himself on everyone around him. Shore is a whirling dervish of a comic void that sucks in all of the good around him and then returns it all less beautiful, and entirely unfunny. With his irksome comic accent and bizarre language, Shore is what Adam Sandler would be if all of Sandler's characters were variations on Billy Madison. That's a hellscape I don't even want to imagine but there it is. 

The threadbare premise of Son in Law finds Becca Warner (Carla Gugino), a small-town gal from South Dakota, moving to Los Angeles to attend college. Finding herself a small fish in a big pond, Becca becomes completely overwhelmed and plans to give up everything and go home. That's when her new Resident Advisor, Crawl (Pauly Shore), yes, his name is Crawl, you try and figure out why, Crawl steps in to keep her from giving up everything. 

Crawl takes Becca under his obnoxious, oblivious wing, gets her new clothes and a new haircut, and generally treats her like the newest member of a cult. Truly, this is how Nxivm started. The end game of Son in Law is Shore and Gugino being arrested alongside one of the stars of Smallville. Okay, it's just a makeover and a tattoo, but it's still kind of weird how she changes every aspect of her life based on the advice on one weird guy. 

Click here for my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review Sucker Punch

Sucker Punch (2011) 

Directed by Zack Snyder

Written by Zack Snyder

Starring Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jon Hamm, Carla Gugino

Release Date March 25th, 2011

Published March 24th, 2011

"Sucker Punch" is ostensibly a story about an abused teenage girl who is sent to an insane asylum by her evil step father who hopes she will be lobotomized before she can tell anyone about his crimes. Babydoll, as the girl comes to be called for her affinity for pigtails and short skirts, has five days before a doctor will come to deliver her lobotomy.

In those five days the hospital transforms from an asylum to a brothel where Babydoll and fellow inmates, Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish), Rocket (Jena Malone), Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens) and Amber (Jamie Chung) are featured performers in a burlesque show. Babydoll quickly becomes the main attraction with her mesmerizing dances.

We, however, never actually see Babydoll dance. For Babydoll, dancing becomes a fantasy world where she retreats into a chimerical world filled with dangers that she and her friends must defeat in order to gather the materials they will need for an elaborate and fiery escape.

Babydoll's dance fantasies are fanboy dreams realized with monster robot ninjas, dragons and Nazi machines right out of a bizarre sci fi comic book. The images that Zack Snyder crafts in "Sucker Punch" are extravagant geek fantasies where gorgeous girls in fetish wear wield swords and machine guns against the kinds of villains only Frank Miller or Neil Gaiman might imagine.

If that sounds cool to you then you are likely in the target audience for "Sucker Punch." For me however, "Sucker Punch" is a confounding exercise in Zack Snyder's typical style over substance filmmaking. As with his "Dawn of the Dead" remake, his interpretation of "300" and his take on "Watchman," Snyder's "Sucker Punch" is yet another impersonal homage to what he thinks the audience wants to see.

Zack Snyder as an artist is a cipher; he has no style of his own. "300" was the vision of Frank Miller taken almost frame by frame from his graphic novel. "Watchman," though disowned by creator Alan Moore, was as faithful to the graphic novel's imagery as Snyder could be while adapting the story to cinema standards.

"Dawn of the Dead" too has little life of its own beyond the 1979 George Romero original. The film has the same beat and energy as the original and while the characters and settings have been updated to modern times, there is little that Zack Snyder brought to "Dawn of the Dead" in terms of subtext that George Romero hadn't brought to the original.

Now comes "Sucker Punch" , a seemingly original effort. Yet, despite not having a literary source, "Sucker Punch" still plays homage, like a movie made for others and not by one visionary artist. The geek fantasies at play in "Sucker Punch" are so market tested to particular fanboy tastes that one could assign "Sucker Punch" as an adaptation of Comic Con, the annual comics and entertainment gathering in San Diego, California.

Comic Con invites fans from across the globe to San Diego where costumed characters celebrate their favorite geek fetish properties from "Star Wars," to the latest comic book movie adaptation to little known Asian import comics and movies. Fans of sci fi, swords and girls in schoolgirl uniforms carrying swords cannot get enough of comic con.

Zack Snyder even announced the planned production of "Sucker Punch" at Comic Con 2009 while promoting his "Watchman" adaptation. Now, there is certainly nothing wrong with knowing your audience but "Sucker Punch" has nothing of substance beyond the demonstration of geek fetish imagery.

Zack Snyder's highly stylized CGI worlds are impressive technical creations but his characters are cardboard cutouts placed inside a computer image and dressed to please the drooling masses. Fans of a well told story will be out of luck watching "Sucker Punch" which can barely be considered coherent at times.

The switch from the insane asylum to a brothel to the fantasy fight landscapes are so bizarre that many will be too confused to bother trying to figure out why person A is shooting robot B while blowing up robot C. There is zero logic in "Sucker Punch" and that leaves only the titillating aspects which, as I mentioned before, will only satisfy the faithful.

Movie Review Righteous Kill

Righteous Kill (2008) 

Directed by Jon Avnet

Written by Russell Gewirtz 

Starring Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Curtis Jackson Carla Gugino

Release Date September 12th, 2008

Published September 11th, 2008

20 years ago people buzzed about the idea of Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino working together. 20 years ago, people would have lined up around the block and Oscar voters would salivate over the chance to vote for a Pacino-DeNiro teaming. 20 Years is a long time ago. DeNiro and Pacino did tease fans a little in their brief scenes together in Michael Mann's Heat but one could argue, with the length and breadth of that film. even with one scene together, they are barely in the same movie.

Thus Righteous Kill really is the first time Pacino and DeNiro, two of the finest actors of the last 50 years have teamed up. 20 since the teaming would have had relevance and buzz, Righteous Kill arrives after DeNiro has begun to lower his profile and work less and less and after Pacino has stumbled through a series of failures.

In Righteous Kill Robert DeNiro is Turk, a detective on the beat for years. Al Pacino is his partner Rooster and together they have done questionable things to get the bad guys. Lately, someone has been doing Turk and Rooster's job for them, hunting down and killing New York's worst of the worst. A series of murders where the killer leaves behind a poem referring to the crimes committed by the deceased.

Bodies pile up like cordwood and the evidence begins to point to a cop. In fact, the evidence seems to lead right to Turk. Rooster backs his partner, but even Turk's girlfriend (Carla Gugino) , a forensics expert, seems suspicious. John Leguizamo and Donnie Wahlberg play a pair of fellow cops who also caught one of the poetry murders and come to suspect Turk.

I would love to tell you that director Jon Avnett takes this premise and uses it to keep you on the edge of your seat. I would love to be able to tell you that the plot is tight and lean and to the point but I can't. The fact is Righteous Kill is one of the sloppiest thrillers of the last decade. Though slightly better than Avnet's last teaming with Pacino, the abysmal 88 Minutes, Righteous Kill is as incomprehensible and ludicrous as any movie of the last decade.

Scenes pile up and go nowhere. Scenes of suspense and misdirection turn confusing and messy. Even as we are baffled by scenes that don't seem to make any sense, we still somehow are not the least bit surprised when the end arrives and the killer is revealed. Such is the botched effort of Righteous Kill, it's not even confusing enough to engender suspense from its own muddled nature.

As bad as Righteous Kill is, I cannot deny being compelled, ever so briefly, by DeNiro and Pacino. These two veterans, even far from the tops of their game, are still so charismatic that their talent can shine through the morass of something as awful and convoluted as this. As the film devolves and the two begin stagey speeches that go nowhere, you can't help admire the skill and commitment of these two legends.

Righteous Kill is a sloppy, slipshod effort that tries and fails to capitalize on the presence of two exceptional actors. It goes to show that no matter how good the actor, no one can overcome bad direction, bad plotting and bad editing. Really, Righteous Kill is just bad everything. Even bad DeNiro and Pacino who need to be called out for indulging such an incomprehensible mess.

Movie Review The Jimmy Show

The Jimmy Show (2002) 

Directed by Frank Whaley 

Written by Frank Whaley, Jonathan Marc Sherman 

Starring Frank Whaley, Ethan Hawke, Carla Gugino

Release Date December 13th, 2002 

Published July 23rd, 2003 

Frank Whaley has had one of the most unique career paths in all of Hollywood. After a very brief respite in the sitcom world, Whaley moved to his true calling in independent films. He has done some small roles in big budgets flicks like, Hoffa, Born On The 4th Of July and JFK, but it was in the indies that he found his niche. 1994's Swimming With Sharks made Whaley's career. His role as a stressed-out junior agent opposite Kevin Spacey's maniacal Mike Ovitz impression gave Whaley the indie cred he needed to get to where he is today, a respected writer-director-actor. His most recent hyphenated feature is The Jimmy Show.

Though the film's settings include a comedy club, The Jimmy Show is no comedy. Whaley is Jimmy O'Brien, a shiftless New Jersey layabout who can't hold a job and dreams of being a comedian. By day he works at a supermarket stealing beer out of the back room, by night he is at the comedy club bombing miserably.

Jimmy's personal life is complicated by his love for his high school sweetheart Annie (Carla Gugino). When Annie tells him she's pregnant Jimmy, has the look of a man condemned to death as he vaguely proposes marriage. Jimmy also must take care of his invalid grandmother who he, for some reason, won't put in a nursing home despite the fact that he can't afford to care for her.

Jimmy's only solace is on stage where his act about cat food varieties soon become rambling monologues about the various indignities of his daily life. Sadly, these monologues are no funnier than his cat food bit. One night when Annie hears him going on and on about the sad state of their sex life, she decides to end the marriage and take their now-six year old daughter away to another state. It's difficult to tell whether Jimmy is unhappy that she's leaving or somewhat relieved. He halfheartedly attempts to get her back before realizing it's better to let her go.

Based on a stage play by Jonathan Marc Sherman, The Jimmy Show is structured so that the comedy club bits are the film's narration. Whenever the film jumps ahead a year or two in Jimmy's life, the time is summed up in one of Jimmy's monologues. The structure works and though the first few times Jimmy is on stage are brutal, they pick up intensity as Jimmy's anger with his station in life grows. The couple of times hecklers take Jimmy to task over his unfunny material, Jimmy's overwhelming anger and intensity seem to lead him toward something that resembles humor but instead end with Jimmy nearly getting his ass kicked.

The Jimmy Show is a difficult film to sit through for its first hour but, as Whaley's performance becomes more desperate, the performance becomes riveting. You can't help but stare at Jimmy's car wreck-like routines which never once elicit a laugh from the films club audience or those of us watching at home. The film could have used a couple of laughs, something that might keep Jimmy from seeming completely on the verge of suicide, but it's far more truthful to the story that the sadness prevails over everything.

I recommend The Jimmy Show to fans of unusual indie films and to fans of Frank Whaley's previous work such as Joe The King. The average movie watcher might want to find something else.

Movie Review Spy Kids 3D Game Over

Spy Kids 3D Game Over (2003) 

Directed by Robert Rodriguez 

Written by Robert Rodriguez

Starring Darryl Sabara, Antonio Banderas, Carla Gugino, Alexa Vega, Ricardo Montalban, Sylvester Stallone, Mike Judge 

Release Date July 25th, 2003 

Published July 26th, 2003 

Robert Rodriguez's original Spy Kids was an ingenious marriage of kids movies and James Bond action-fantasy. It was safe enough for kids with just enough to appeal to parents and with its low budget, was a huge box office hit. The second film was slightly less successful in its appeal to wide audiences as well as box office, but was still a big enough hit to justify another sequel. That sequel is a gimmicky jump into the realm of video games, Spy Kids 3D.

You may remember 3D, the failed experiment from the 1950's and 60's that was last used to try and revive the Nightmare On Elm Street horror franchise. That film was also produced by Dimension films so maybe they just had a bunch of those glasses just laying around and that inspired them to do this. Whatever the inspiration, it was a bad idea when it was first used and with the advances in technology these days, it's a bad idea in Spy Kids 3.

As we join the story, Juni Cortes (Daryl Sabara) has quit being a secret agent and is now a small-time private investigator solving cases about missing dollies for a buck apiece. All the while his former spy bosses are trying to get him to come back and help on an important case. Juni's sister Carmen (Alexa Vega) has been taken hostage inside a video game called Game Over.

When Juni hears that his sister is in trouble, he returns to save her and joins her inside the game. Once inside it's time to put on our 3D glasses and watch as Juni battles fellow game players in games that resemble Tron crossed with Robot Jox. Juni, with the help of some other kids trapped in the game, go in search of Carmen and a way out of the game. They must also figure a way to shut down the game without releasing its maniacal creator, the Toymaker (Sly Stallone), who has been imprisoned inside the game world for years. Toymaker is holding Carmen hostage and hopes to use her to get himself out.

Also helping Juni is his grandfather (Ricardo Montalban), a former secret agent who was left in a wheelchair because of the Toymaker. In the game world though Grandpa can walk, run and fight crime like he used to. Juni and Carmen's parents, played by Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino, are nowhere to be found until a quick cameo near the end of the film. Also in cameos are a number of well-known stars George Clooney, Alan Cumming, Mike Judge, Cheech Marin and Salma Hayek. Most surprising is a cameo by Elijah Wood that was met by a surprisingly loud cheer. The cameos are the film's most appealing moments.

The 3D is an unnecessary and highly annoying gimmick, I had a headache from the first time I put on the glasses all the way to the end of the film. However, what's worse is the film’s trite family movie cliches. Where the first two Spy Kids movies were like cinematic cotton candy, Spy Kids 3D is brussel sprouts. Good for you but not very tasty. The film is filled beginning to end with after school special messages about teamwork, family, tolerance and forgiveness.

That's all well and good if it's couched in an entertaining story but Spy Kids 3D doesn't have a story. It has cheesy 3D environments that have long been rendered useless by the advances in computer technology. The CGI characters in films like Shrek and Finding Nemo are far more impressive than anything ever done with 3D. I would rather see Spy Kids in computer animation than the ugly 3D environments created for Spy Kids 3D.

Maybe director Robert Rodriguez was too distracted with his next film Once Upon A Time in Mexico to worry about making Spy Kids 3D. You can see from Mexico's stellar trailer that that film had his full attention. Spy Kids 3D is a throwaway gimmick sequel to a series that hopefully has seen its final adventure.

Movie Review Night at the Museum

Night at the Museum (2006) 

Directed by Shawn Levy

Written by Thomas Lennon, Robert Ben Garant 

Starring Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Dick Van Dyke, Steve Coogan, Carla Gugino, Robin Williams 

Release Date December 22nd, 2006 

Published December 21st, 2006 

As movie pedigrees go, Night at the Museum could not have an uglier ancestry. Directed by Shawn Levy, the man behind both The Pink Panther and Cheaper By the Dozen, and written by Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant, who despite being brilliant on TV's Reno 911 have written scripts for cinematic flotsam like Taxi, Let's Go To Prison and The Pacifier. Ugh!

It is a wonder then how they managed to net, for their latest movie Night At the Museum, some all star comedians for an all star cast. Led by Ben Stiller, the cast also includes Owen Wilson, Steve Coogan, Ricky Gervais and Robin Williams. However, even a cast as brilliant as this cannot overcome the work of the behind the scenes 'talent' at work on Night at the Museum, an aggressively aggravating work of computer generated ridiculousness and family movie clichés.

I must admit, the idea behind Night at the Museum is very clever. At night at the natural history museum in New York the exhibits come to life and wreak havoc thanks to a mummy's curse. It's up to the new night security guard Larry (Ben Stiller) to keep the chaos from spilling out into the streets of New York and keep the exhibits from perishing in the light of day.

Larry is left this task after three longtime night guards, played by legends Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney and Bill Cobbs, are let go. Let's just say they are a little bitter about being let go. They are kind enough to leave Larry an instruction manual but when Larry gets cocky, thinking he knows how to handle this situation, things go from weird to worse.

Larry would not have taken this job but his ex-wife Erica (Kim Raver) threatened to take away his son Nick (Jake Cherry) if he didn't find a steady job and place to live. No points for guessing that Nick will get in on the museum madness. You also get no points for guessing that the pretty museum tour guide, played by Spy Kids star Carla Gugino, will become Larry's love interest.

The best part of Night at the Museum is Robin Williams as President Teddy Roosevelt. Coming to life nightly to ride his horse throughout the museum, Williams' Mr. President is the most helpful of the museum exhibits and of course when it comes to delivering the moral of the story who better than a former President. Of course, Williams can't help but ham it up a little, but you expect that from Robin Williams.

Ben Stiller seems at a loss to keep up with the goofy CGI madness of Night at the Museum. Rushed through the exposition, his character is essentially a deadbeat who nearly loses his kid because he's so lazy. Not exactly a winning character. Once inside the museum, Stiller's Larry vacillates from coward to cocky but mostly just runs around confused and angry.

Director Shawn Levy and writers Garant and Lennon hit all of the typical family movie beats, a lesson learned, bathroom humor and a monkey. They also toss in a couple action movie clichés for good measure including a chase scene involving an ancient stagecoach and a miniature SUV. Trust me, my description reads far more interesting than the actual scene.

With comic talent like Stiller, Williams, Wilson et al, it would seem impossible for the film to completely fail and I guess it doesn't fail completely. Stiller can't help but wring a few laughs out of a character who's only characteristic is frustration. Frustration is Stiller's milieu. Owen Wilson and Steve Coogan have a good banter but their parts are tiny, literally and figuratively.

Ricky Gervais really gets short shrift. Why hire one of England's premiere comic talents for a role that doesn't give him any room to breathe. As the crusty museum curator, Gervais has no jokes in the movie, he is simply in place to punish Stiller's Larry and then disappear. It's as if he was hired just to make the film more profitable in England where having his name on the poster might sell a few tickets.

I honestly wonder if comedians like Ben Stiller and Robin Williams accept parts in movies like Night at the Museum in some kind of Hollywood style community service program. Studio heads put it out there that if stars will work on family movie garbage like Night at the Museum then they will get the chance to work on projects the stars really want to make. Can there be any other explanation as to why talented people make such terrible films, often in this basest of genres?

I cannot deny that at the screening I attended the target audience for Night at the Museum laughed loudly and often. Little children will, sadly, find a lot they enjoy about Night at the Museum which manages to find a number of lowest common denominator moments just for the kids. For my money however, I can't imagine why, with a satisfying, smart and genuinely touching family film in theaters like Charlotte's Web, why anyone would waste money on Night at the Museum.

Is it just that Night at the Museum is louder than Charlotte's Web? I'm just trying to understand.

Movie Review Race to Witch Mountain

Race to Witch Mountain (2009) 

Directed by Andy Fickman

Written by Matt Lopez, Mark Bomback 

Starring Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Alexander Ludwig, Anna Sophia Robb, Carla Gugino, Ciaran Hinds

Release Date March 13th, 2009 

Published March 12th, 2009 

The live action family movie is not an easy business. Getting past cheap laughs and cheese ball plots have been a challenge that few movies can stand. The best in the business are of course the folks at Disney. Sure they have as many misses (The Pacifier) as they have live action family hits (?) but they keep plugging away at it. And now they have a real home run hit.

Race To Witch Mountain is a reimagining of 1977's Escape To Witch Mountain. That film was a campy romp starring Eddie Albert, a motor home, and Bette Davis in one of the final roles of her career, long long long after her glory years. Escape and the sequel Return To Witch Mountain have cultivated a small but loyal fanbase over the years for both the earnest good nature of each and the high levels of kitsch.

The new Witch Mountain loses some of the kitsch but retains much of the camp, but most of all it captures the earnest popcorn movie entertainment that is likely to cultivate a whole new group of fans. Dwayne Johnson stars in Race To Witch Mountain as Jack Bruno, an ex-con gone straight arrow now working as a cab driver. One day, while a sci-fi convention takes over much of Las Vegas, Jack finds a couple of teenagers, Seth and Sara (Alexander Ludwig and Anna Sophia Robb), in the back of his cab. The kids ask him to drive them into the middle of the desert.

Once there, concerned for their safety, Jack follows them into a creepy secluded cabin where inside they are attacked by what looks like a spaceman. Once they are safe the kids break the news that indeed that was a spaceman and that they themselves are from outer space. Jack is naturally skeptical but he comes around after the kids use their unique powers to evade capture by government agents led by Agent Henry Burke (Ciaran Hinds). Think of Burke as the anti-Mulder, he is out to capture the kids for experimentation and possible extermination.

Eventually, Jack seeks the help of an alien expert, Dr. Alex Friedman (Carla Gugino) who helps them locate the one place in the country where the government could hide Seth and Sara's captured spaceship. With the government and the evil spaceman on their tail, Jack Alex and the kids have to get to Witch Mountain before it's too late.

What is so great about Race To Witch Mountain is the overall sense of wonder. The film treats aliens as a little kid might, with awe and wonder. While adults are long ago jaded by the idea of spaceships and aliens, kids' imaginations are still stoked by them and Race to Witch Mountain is the rare movie to keep that kid's awe and wonder intact.

The script by Matt Lopez and Mark Bomback is without cynicism and condescension. Sure, it's cheesy and often highly convenient but we aren't weighing the merits of a Coen Brothers Oscar contender here. Race To Witch Mountain is not Slumdog Millionaire or Milk. This is a live action kids movie that is out to satisfy the visceral energies of small children. We have to adjust our standards here. Director Andy Fickman directs Race To Witch Mountain at a high pitch and super quick pace. Fickman thrusts us right into the action and keeps this light and fun through car chases, alien fights and daring escapes. The energetic tone is reminiscent of the great action comedies from when I was a kid.

Movies like Goonies and Back To The Future and Raiders of the Lost Ark are part of how I came to love going to the movies and Race To Witch Mountain brought back those feelings for me. I can imagine an 8 or 9 year old kid in this day and age watching Race to Witch Mountain and making that same thrilling discovery. I'm not kidding folks, Race To Witch Mountain is that much fun.

A huge part of that fun is Dwayne Johnson. He was once called The Rock but a better nickname would be the natural. Ever since making the leap from wrestler to movie star, Dwayne Johnson has just gotten better and better. The man oozes charm and charisma from every pore.

Johnson's talent for action heroics and self deprecating asides are unmatched by any actor of his genre. Without Johnson in the lead, Race To Witch Mountain would likely wilt under the glare of its many plot conveniences and cheese ball action and stunts. With Johnson those same elements are glossed over by the fact that we are having such a good time with him.

Race To Witch Mountain is a pure joy. It's Goofy and good natured popcorn movie fun that the whole family will love. Ugh, I know, that sounded like a quote for the poster but so be it, this film is worth the price of the cliché.