Movie Review The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare

The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (2024) 

Directed by Guy Ritchie 

Written by Paul Tamasy, Eric Johnson, Arash Amel, Guy Ritchie 

Starring Henry Cavill, Alan Ritchson, Alex Pettyfer, Hero Fiennes Tiffin, Eiza Gonzalez 

Release Date April 19th, 2024 

Published April 23rd, 2024 

It's the flippancy of The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare that rubs me the wrong way. I feel like we've grown so used to minimizing the dangers of war and the real risk of life and limb, that we risk removing the human element from war entirely. The new Guy Ritchie movie, The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare plays a role in this dehumanization by taking a mostly true story and rendering it something akin to the Quentin Tarentino fantasy of Inglorious Basterds, minus the artistry. Tarentino side steps the flippant reimaging of World War 2 because he's not working from a 'based on a true story' archetype. The soldiers of The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare were very real and really risked everything for their country. 

To take their story and render it like some action movie fantasy feels like a disservice that denigrates the genuine bravery and hardship of these real life heroes. These men, and one woman, didn't do what they did to be cool, they did it because it needed to be done. Rendering them as shallow action movie stock characters removes their complexity and humanity. This is the kind of needless revisionism that is obscuring real history far too often and despite my appreciation for the actors and the mostly solid direction of The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare, I can't fully enjoy or appreciate the film because the real story is way more interesting to me than the action movie tropes of the movie. 

Henry Cavill portrays Gus March-Phillips, a wild eyed Englishman with a taste for the finer things and a willingness to get his hands dirty. As we meet him, Gus has been in jail for repeated instances of insubordination. He's a menace to commanding officers and politicians alike. He's perfect for the job to be assigned to him, one that cannot be directly overseen by anyone. Gus' mission involves crippling the Nazi supply chain for U-Boats and thus opening the ocean for the Americans to enter the war. It's an entirely off the books mission as Winston Churchill's top military brass don't believe such a mission is possible, it violates the code of an ethical war. 

Thus, Gus and his team are assembled in secret by General Gubbins (Cary Elwes) who advises Gus that if he is caught by the Nazis, they will die and if they are caught by the English Navy, they will be arrested. Now, about Gus' team. Anders Larsson (Alan Ritschson) is a brutish Swedish man whose pasttime is killing Nazis. Henry Hayes (Hero Fiennes Tiffin) is the son of a very good friend of Gus's from back in the day. He keeps Hayes close to keep an eye on but he's also a whiz with guns and explosives. Speaking of explosives, Freddy Alvarez (Henry Golding) knows everything when it comes to blowing things up. He's been in and out of prisons across Europe for blowing things up for fun and profit. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review Sunrise

Sunrise (2024) 

Directed by Andrew Baird

Written by Ronan Blaney

Starring Guy Pearce, Alex Pettyfer, Crystal Yu 

Release Date January 19th, 2024

Published January 18th, 2024 

You know that modern trend of movie musicals that don't want you to know that they are musicals? You know? Wonka, Mean Girls, The Color Purple, movies that downplay the fact that they are centered on characters breaking into song? Sunrise is that as a Vampire movie. Sunrise does little to communicate the fact that it is a vampire movie. Even while watching Sunrise you have to work hard to determine that what you are watching is a vampire movie. The vampire in question walks around in daylight, though its set in the Pacific Northwest so that could just be a function of lack of sun, but truly few of the vampire movie tropes are visible in Sunrise, engendering a deep and abiding confusion over what this movie is supposed to be. 

Sunrise stars Guy Pearce as Reynolds, a bully and a tyrant, ruling over a pacific northwest town with an iron fist. With his mother, Ma Reynolds (Olwen Fouere) imperiously at his side, Reynolds uses intimidation and fear to get what he wants and what he wants is the property of a recently arrived Asian family. Yan Loi (Crystal Yu) has survived seeing her brother murdered and is now facing threats to her own life and the life of her son Edward (William Gao), as she works to maintain her land. It's at this point that an unlikely stranger enters her life. 

Alex Pettyfer co-stars in Sunrise as Fallon, a former cop who was forced to watch as Reynolds' thugs murdered his wife. Fallon himself was also left for dead but something saved his life. For the past several years he's stalked the forest living off the land and perhaps plotting revenge. When he's found on the land owned by Yan Loi he's in bad shape and is nursed back to health. In secret, Fallon asks Edward to get him blood to drink. This begins to restore Fallon's strength and as he comes back to health, he begins to look out for the Loi family, preparing for a showdown with Reynolds. 

It's more coherent in my retelling here than it is in the actual movie, Sunrise. For one thing, my description doesn't account for the fact that Pettyfer, though credited as the co-lead of the movie alongside Guy Pearce, spends most of the movie in a bed, in darkness, occasionally rising to drink blood. Pettyfer already isn't the most expressive actor on the planet. Leaving him to mumble a few words while lying down in a dark room is not exactly the best use of his talents. Pettyfer is a handsome dude whose best features, cheekbones, abs, are visual. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review I Am Number 4

I Am Number 4 (2011) 

Directed by D.J Caruso

Written by Alfred Gough, Miles Millar, Marti Noxon 

Starring Alex Pettyfer, Timothy Olyphant, Teresa Palmer, Dianna Agron, Kevin Durand

Release Date February 18th, 2011

Published February 18th, 2011

If the half baked Twilight novels can ride teenage Vampires and Chastity to box office bonanza why can't a half baked story about teenage aliens and chastity do the same. That is the unspoken origin story of “I Am Number 4” a supremely lame attempt to clone the success of “Twilight” by trading angsty vamps for angsty aliens.

Number 4 (Alex Pettyfer), alternately referred to as Daniel or John looks like any other handsome teenager but that Number 4 designation kind of tips off the fact that there is more to him than meets the eye. Number 4 is an alien being from the planet Lorian. He is hiding on earth with his warrior bodyguard, Henri (Timothy Olyphant), while he waits for his powers, known to his people as Legacies, to be revealed.

Meanwhile, his numbered brethren are being hunted down by the evil Mogadorians who destroyed Lorien. The Mogadorians have killed 1,2,3 and are now on the trail of Number 4. After nearly revealing himself as an alien living in Florida, Number 4 and Henri move to Paradise, Ohio where Henri hopes to find a human with important information.

In Paradise Number 4 becomes John and begins attending High School because the plot needs him to. At school John meets and falls in love with Sarah Hart (Dianna Agron, Glee). He also by chance befriends Sam (Callan McAullife), the son of the man Henri came to Paradise to find. What luck that Sam has what Henri needs, a rock containing a link between the remaining numbered Lorians.

You don't have to be a psychic to know that I Am Number 4 is building toward a showdown between Number 4 and Mogadorians and that he will likely win this showdown as many sequels ride on his 

winning. Director D.J Caruso brings a modest amount of skill to keeping us distracted from the inevitability of this plot but the material is too weak to keep all the seams from showing.

”I Am Number 4” is a naked cash grab; a supremely lame attempt to lure in “Twilight” fans for a new, easily sequelized, franchise built on iconic genre creatures, aliens instead of Vampires, and great looking actors who do little else than look good. Not to demean young star Alex Pettyfer too much. Pettyfer is a really handsome kid hamstrung by a part that doesn't offer him any challenge.

Pettyfer along with Glee star Dianna Agron and Teresa Palmer, who plays yet another numbered Lorian, Number 6 for those who care, are all great looking and if that were all it took to make a movie work they would have a real hit on their hands. Those of us however, who go to movies for more than just the ogling of pretty people will find “I Am Number 4” lacking.

”I Am Number 4” was the brainchild of legendary liar and literary fraud James Frey who has found another money making scam, young adult fiction. Under the odd pseudonym 'Pittacus Lore' he and co-writer Jobie Hughes have demonstrated just how easy Twilight has made it for hacks to crack the book biz these days. 

Take a legendary genre character, in this case aliens, throw them in a high school setting. Give them bullies and bad guys; teen angst and a little chaste romance and cook for 30 minutes. Bang! You've got a young adult bestseller just aching for a Hollywood adaptation. 

The cynicism pours from every scripted word of “I Am Number 4” and while I don't blame the young actors involved, everyone else in this production should be (but are not) ashamed of this movie. It's our fault for giving them such an easy in, it was our culture that allowed “Twilight” to thrive. As long as we don't ask for more than just pretty, stupid movies then “I Am Number 4” is what Hollywood is going to give us.

Movie Review In Time

In Time (2011) 

Directed by Andrew Niccol 

Written by Andrew Niccol 

Starring Amanda Seyfried, Justin Timberlake, Alex Pettyfer, Cillian Murphy 

Release Date October 28th, 2011

Published October 28th, 2011

"In Time" is one of the more irritating brands of bad movies. The film has a highly intriguing premise and a pair of attractive and convincing lead performers; it also has plot holes you could drive trucks through.

Pretty for Life

Justin Timberlake is the star of In Time. As Mark Salas, Mr. Timberlake is a man with little time to spare. In the future, human beings are genetically bred to stop aging at 25 years old. Once you hit 25 however, a genetically implanted clock begins to countdown.

Money in this future has been replaced by time. Each citizen is given one year to spend beginning on their 25th birthday but they can earn more time by working in factories. Not everyone has to work however; some are born into eons of time as a family inheritance.

One Good Deed

The plot of In Time kicks in when Will meets Henry Hamilton (Matt Bomer, White Collar). Henry is 105 years old after having been born to a family fortune. After so many years he still has more than a century on his clock but he's grown tired of living.

When Will saves Henry during a bar fight the two end up spending an evening discussing time and the way those that have time use it to manipulate those who don't. When Will awakens the following morning Henry has given him his time and disappeared to die.

Time Literally on His Hand. 

After a tragedy strikes Will's family, he makes the decision to use his new found time, literally time on his hand (Ha!), to destroy the time management system. To do this he travels to New Greenwich, a rich suburb where those with endless amounts of time live and avoid the shame of watching others fall dead in the streets after losing time.

As Will's scheme is revealed he is chased by Timekeeper Leon (Cillian Murphy) who will doggedly pursue him throughout his revolutionary journey. Joining Will, at first not by choice, is Sylvia Weis, the daughter of Phillippe Weis (Vincent Kartheiser), a centuries old man with seemingly all the time in the world.

Will takes Sylvia hostage but we aren't surprised when she and Will begin to fall in love and slowly morph into Bonnie & Clyde turned Robin Hood criminals who steal time from the rich and give it to the poor.

Occupy Time

The premise of "In Time'' is solid and Justin Timberlake is highly compelling in only his second lead role. Andrew Niccols directs In Time to Timberlake's strengths, playing up his charm before allowing IT to begin flexing his muscles in gun battles and chase scenes.

"In Time" has a timely premise, arriving at a time when the divide between the richest 1% in America are at odds with the other 99%; you could almost expect a movement in the movie to 'Occupy Time.' Sadly the film was completed well before the occupy protests began.

Stuck in a Plot-hole

Unfortunately, as intriguing and timely as "In Time" is, the film has a pair of logical fallacies so large that they undermine the movie as a whole. To describe these plot holes would reveal far too much about the film. All I will say is that the plot holes are fat and obvious and they render the film, especially the ending, ludicrous. For me, this makes ``In Time '' worse than most other bad movies because "In Time" isn't really a bad movie; it's one that squanders its goodness with bad choices.

If you are a fan of Justin Timberlake or Amanda Seyfried you may as well go ahead and give "In Time" a chance. If not, the plot holes render "In Time" barely worthy of a rental.

Movie Review: Beastly

Beastly (2011) 

Directed by Daniel Barnz 

Written by Daniel Barnz 

Starring Alex Pettyfer, Vanessa Hudgens, Mary Kate Olson, Neil Patrick Harris, Dakota Johnson

Release Date March 4th, 2011 

Published March 3rd, 2011 

Take the legendary French faery tale “Beauty and the Beast” and cross it with the elegant and joyous Disney cartoon and Jean Cocteau's artist's rendering of the story from 1946 and then throw all of it in the trash save for the very barest bones of the original premise and you find “Beastly,” a dreary rendering of a 2007 novel that was already a shallow recreation of what came before.

”Beastly” stars Alex Pettyfer as Kyle an ugly on the inside Big Man on Campus who tells anyone who will listen how easy life is when you are incredibly good looking. He's ‘Zoolander’ without the irony and dumber. Kyle is cursed by Kendra (Mary Kate Olson), a witch, who sentences Kyle to magically become as ugly on the outside as he is inside.

Suddenly, Kyle has scars all over his head and weird tattoos that cohere to the seasons as they pass. Kyle has one year from the beginning of his curse to find a woman who will love him despite his hideousness.  The top candidate for this gig is Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens), a not so popular but pretty girl who cares about the environment.

How Lindy comes to live in Kyle's posh riverside digs, paid for by his news anchor daddy (Peter Krause), is one of a litany of contrivances in “Beastly.” Briefly, Kyle becomes a stalker Batman who rescues Lindy from drug dealers and saves her druggie dad from a murder rap. The filmmakers craft this scenario with a deathly seriousness that only underlines how over the top nutty it all is.

Then there is Kyle and Lindy's eventual romance which happens as they spend several months with Kyle's tutor, played by Neil Patrick Harris as a blind man, studying one single poem. Now, to be fair, with the amount of depth given to these two characters one cannot be surprised that it would take them several months to read a single poem but one would think they would eventually move on to the meanings and themes at least.

Now, no one wants to watch these two pretty folks learn anything; we want to watch them fall in love. And what a treat that is as after their months of poem reading, Kyle and Lindy do fall in love but her daddy gets in the way leaving Kyle only days to get her to say 'I love you.’ This leads to the film's next bizarre contrivance called 'why doesn't dorko just answer his stupid phone instead of waiting to confess his love at the last minute of the last day.' But that is a little too spoilery, so I won't go into it.

”Beastly” is a serious bit of foolishness, a post-ironic love story that begs for a little knowing wink and someone other than Neil Patrick Harris to puncture the pompous sincerity on display. Nothing against Mr. Harris who has the film's only sense of humor but he is merely playing his ‘How I Met Your Mother’ character as a blind guy. It's a lazy performance but then Harris is likely the only one who saw the writing on the wall and figured 'why bother with my best effort.'

Alex Pettyfer sure is pretty and with “Beastly” and last month's “I Am Number 4” Hollywood seems dedicated to making him happen. That's lucky for Mr. Pettyfer because if Hollywood were merit based rather than 'look at me' based he might be struggling for a TV pilot right now. Instead I am sure Mr. Pettyfer is readying some sort of summer or fall picture that will once again show off his shirtlessness.

In fairness to Alex Pettyfer, Hollywood did the same thing to Johnny Depp and Heath Ledger and both reacted by going into their heads, rebelling against the system and finding depths that no one expected of them. Mr. Ledger's sad fate aside, Mr. Pettyfer still has a chance to rebel against the image makers and craft his own path to real stardom.