Movie Review: Birthday Girl

Birthday Girl (2002) 

Directed by Jez Butterworth

Written by Tom Butterworth 

Starring Nicole Kidman, Ben Chaplin, Vincent Cassel, Matthieu Kassovitz 

Release Date February 1st, 2002 

Published February 2nd, 2002 

I just read Roy's column about movies that are guaranteed to suck. In it, Roy asks how some movies get made. I have wondered that myself quite often. Not when it comes to Miramax films though. I know that if Miramax puts out an obvious piece of crap with a star in it, it is because said star probably owed Harvey a favor.

That is the only way to explain Nicole Kidman's starring in the dreadful English thriller Birthday Girl. As a Russian mail order bride named Nadia, Kidman acts as if she has a figurative gun to her head. Her every expression screams "let's get this over with quickly."

Ben Chaplin is John, Nadia's through the mail hubby. John is a shy, loser bank teller in a small English town. He explains in voiceover that because the town is small there are few eligible women. So rather than looking outside his own zip code, John jumps online and orders a mail order bride from Russia. (You know you can get anything on Ebay these days.)

Anyway let's try to forget that the likelihood of John's mail-order bride looking anything like Nicole Kidman; obviously she is more likely to look like someone named Nick than Nicole. Putting that aside, let's talk plot. Nadia speaks no English and she smokes like a chimney, two qualities John explicitly said he didn't want. But wouldn't you know it, he forgot to get a receipt so they won't take her back. (Always, always get a receipt.)

Oh right the plot. After trying to send her back she convinces him to keep her by taking off her clothes. She can't speak English but she is a hell of a negotiator. Soon it's her birthday and out-of-town relatives show up. Nadia's cousins Alexai (Vincent Cassel) and Yuri (Matthieu Kassovitz. He made this before Amelie so we forgive him.)

Well it turns out the cousins are actually partners in crime, con men who convince John to rob his bank branch in broad daylight by holding Nadia hostage. Now we must understand that John doesn't know Nadia is working with the con men. Still, in the robbery scene, his opportunities to put an end to the whole thing are numerous. One word to a coworker or any of a number of cops, or during the get away (or not ordering a Russian mail-order bride in the first place) would have enabled him to escape.

Birthday Girl is yet another film where one intelligent decision by either lead character would end the film in the first 30 minutes.

Would someone please wake Ben Chaplin before filming him please? Honestly, every film he has been in I've wanted to check his pulse, maybe hold a mirror under his nose to see if he's breathing. This guy makes Al Gore look like Carrot Top. What a surprise that Birthday Girl has been gathering dust since it's completion in mid 2000. It might have stayed on the shelf had Kidman not had the best year of her career in 2001 with two hit films and a best actress Oscar (which she won a mere five days before Birthday Girl opened.) One of those quirks in timing I'm sure. 

Movie Review The Last Legion

The Last Legion (2007) 

Directed by Doug Lefler 

Written by Jez Butterworth, Tom Butterworth 

Starring Colin Firth, Ben Kingsley, Aishwarya Ray, Peter Mullan, Kevin McKidd 

Release Date August 17th, 2007 

Published August 16th, 2007 

The Last Legion is meant to be a rousing retelling of Arthurian legend crossed with Roman history. With an international cast, including Oscar winner Sir Ben Kingsley and Indian superstar Aishwarya Rai, the movie should have been a well acted and lively entertainment. Unfortunately, with a corner cutting director and a desperately miscast lead, Colin Firth as a tough guy roman general, The Last Legion is just simply, one lousy movie.

Cobbling together elements of Arthur-ian legend and a bit of Julius Caesar, The Last Legion casts young Thomas Sangster (Love Actually) as Romulus; the last in the royal line of Caesars, the rulers of the Greek empire. When the goths sack Rome, Romulus and his teacher Ambrosinus (Sir Ben Kingsley) are taken hostage to the roman island of Capri. On the bright side, Capri is also the home of the legendary Caesarian sword Excalibur.

While young Romulas seeks the sword a coterie of Roman soldiers who survived the battle of Rome conspire to rescue Caesar/Romulus and whisk him away to the Eastern empire, the home of the staunchest of Greek allies in Persia. Led by General Aurelius (Colin Firth), and backed up by an Indian warrior named Mira (Aishwarya Rai), this tiny faction will give their lives for Caesar.

After the rescue things change quickly. The Eastern empire falls to the Goths and the remaining Romans are forced to journey to Britannia and rally the last remaining Roman army legion. There, they will face off with an evil British conqueror Vortgyn (Harry Van Gorkum) who seeks Excalibur and has a nasty history with Abrosinus.

I'm not quite sure what the point of all this legend retelling is. The Last Legion is not a rousing adventure or even a good war story. As directed by Doug Lefler (Dragonheart: A New Beginning) The Last Legion is a stale period movie dressed up with the occasional well staged sword fight and the lovely appearance of Indian star Aishwarya Rai.

Ms. Rai is a lovely presence but opposite Colin Firth as the 'manly' Roman general, she is at a loss to make this material work. Nothing against Mr. Firth as an actor but he doesn't exactly cut an action hero figure. His lilting accent and gentile British-ness just does not translate to being a Russell Crowe style Roman army legend. Even the great Sir Ben Kingsley isn't very good here. Kingsley, as he's shown in films as varied as Suspect Zero, Bloodrayne, and A Sound of Thunder has a tendency to choose some really bad roles. The Last Legion isn't quite as bad as those films but it's not very good either.

Rai, Kingsley and Firth are the good guys and we are bored by them. Even worse are the bad guys, a collection of unrecognizable character actors whose main talent seems to be seething and hissing through ugly piles of makeup or ridiculous looking masks. Director Doug Lefler's work is dull and uninspired and the scripting by Jez and Tom Butterworth (Birthday Girl) creates characters we don't care about and places them in situations we aren't interested in. Toying with dueling legends, Arthur and Caesar, even literate audiences are at a loss to make sense of or even care about the history of The Last Legion.

The Last Legion re-imagines two legends into one uninteresting adventure story. Colin Firth, often a very good actor, is desperately miscast as an action hero and though she is a sensational beauty, Aishwarya Rai fails to demonstrate her star power and is at a loss to overcome this dull story. Director Doug Lefler's experience comes mostly from the sets of Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and while the low budget aesthetics may be OK for TV; the same approach doesn't work in feature films.

The Last Legion is only slightly better than your average Xena or Hercules episode, and slightly less historically accurate.