Classic Movie Review Surf Ninjas

Surf Ninjas (1993) 

Directed by Neal Israel 

Written by Dan Gordon, Neal Israel 

Starring Ernie Reyes Jr, Ernie Reyes Sr, Leslie Nielsen, Rob Schneider 

Release Date August 20th, 1993 

Published August 29th, 2023 

With apologies to Ernie Reyes, Jr and Sr, Surf Ninjas is a truly terrible movie. This incomprehensible mess of a kids movie posits a world where orphan brothers are protected by a homeless drifter who may or may not be their father and who stealthily dispatches of ninjas looking to kill his children. The kids are unaware of the constant peril they live in and they don't seem to have any questions about their lives, their back story, or the father that abandoned them. They just want to surf bro. Reality however, comes crashing through the walls when Ninjas attack and daddy is forced to reveal himself. 

I genuinely don't know what else you need to know about Surf Ninjas. The plot is rudimentary, the shooting style is amateurish and the performances are devoid of interest. For reasons that defy logic and the ability to suspend disbelief, the brothers go to school with their pal, Iggy, played by Rob Schneider. Is it supposed to be funny that Schneider is 30 years old while playing a character described as a Junior in High School? It's not funny but I also don't know why this choice was made at all. I get that in 1993 Schneider was vaguely appealing as a cast member on Saturday Night Live but why not have him play his age instead of defying credulity as a supposed teenager. 

Naturally, Schneider cannot wait 10 minutes before committing a minor hate crime. As the kids fall under the attack from Ninjas in the employ of Colonel Chi, a hate crime committed by Leslie Nielsen, Schneider breaks out the racist accents and tells a ninja that he 'no speaky the English.' It's hard to even write that line and yet Schneider says it as if it's just totally normal. This was only Schneider's third feature film role but he was setting the tone for the cinematic hate crimes he would continue to commit for the next 30 years of devolving as a human being, and as a comedian and actor. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review: You Don't Mess with the Zohan

You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008) 

Directed by Dennis Dugan

Written by Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow, Robert Smigel

Starring Adam Sandler, Emmanuel Chriqui, Rob Schneider, Lainie Kazan

Release Date June 6th, 2008

Published June 6th, 2008

It's strange to think of Adam Sandler and societal relevance. And yet, when you look back on his recent career it's difficult to miss a sort of ripped from the headlines quality to his resume. In Reign Over Me Sandler tackled post 9/11 grieving. In I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry it was gay marriage. Now with his latest Summer blockbuster Sandler takes on the middle east, specifically the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and does so with the kind of irreverence and all encompassing bad taste that leaves everyone offended and everyone laughing all at once.

In You Don't Mess With the Zohan Sandler plays 'The Zohan' an ex-Israeli secret police agent who gives up war with Palestine in favor of New York City and the opportunity to become a hairdresser. Taking a job in a neighborhood where Jews and Palestinians live in peace with one another, the Zohan finds himself not just working for a Palestinian, Deliah (Emanuel Chiriqi), but falling in love with her.

Things get dangerous for the Zohan however when a former Palestinian foe, now a cabdriver (Rob Schneider) recognizes him and decides to kill him. The cabby eventually calls on the Zohan's former enemy 'The Phantom' to do the job. The real enemy however is a developer (Michael 'Are You Ready to Rumble' Buffer) who wants the property occupied by Israelis and Palestinians and hires a group of rednecks, lead by James (rocker Dave Matthews), to burn the community to ground and get the two sides to blame each other for the fire.

The plot is more cohesive than the usual Sandler collection of gags, likely due to the influence of current comedy top dog Judd Apatow who joins forces with Sandler and director Dennis Dugan on a script that does slightly more than exist to allow for Sandler's many physical gags and gay jokes. There is an earnest and honest attempt at a message of peace and love for Israelis and Palestinians even as the film offers stunningly offensive caricatures of each. The filmmakers take the perspective that as long as everyone is offended no one is offended and the approach kinda works.

As resistant as I was for much of the Zohan's antics I did find myself laughing loudly more than I ever imagined. Yes, the gay jokes get old and offensive real fast. Yes, watching the Zohan make his name early on in the New York scenes by banging old ladies is utterly horrifying. Nevertheless, you laugh and in a comedy can you really ask much more? And with the Zohan striving for uplift in such an honest fashion, it's hard to dislike and indeed not admire the efforts of the Zohan.

Adam Sandler isn't about to solve the middle east crisis but he seems to care and that is something from the man who was The Waterboy and Little Nicky.

Movie Review Grown Ups

Grown Ups (2010) 

Directed by Dennis Dugan

Written by Adam Sandler, Fred Wolf

Starring Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Kevin James, Taylor Lautner

Release Date June 25th, 2010 

Published June 24th, 2010

Critics, like me, can decry the Adam Sandler brand of comedy all day. We do, we will, I will. But, we cannot deny its continuing success. Sandler is, arguably, the safest business bet in all of Hollywood. Even at his worst in garbage like “Bedtime Stories,” the worst film of 2008, bar none, Sandler still turns out his fans and returns on studio investments. That will not change with the release of “Grown Ups.” This thin excuse for Sandler to get his oldest friends together for a lakeside working vacation is exceptionally typical of the Sandler brand: dog doo, passing gas and copious pratfalls. It's not filmic poetry but fans of the brand do not care.

In “Grown Ups” Adam Sandler is Lenny, a 40-something Hollywood Agent married to a sexy fashion designer (Salma Hayek) and raising three spoiled kids who text their nanny to bring them things ,and spend most of their time in front of a flat screen TV. Lenny laments his children's lack of imagination but does little to change them. That is until Lenny is shocked out of his rich boy Hollywood idyll by the death of his childhood mentor and basketball coach, Coach Buzzer (Comic and Sandler crony Blake Clark).

Gathering up his wife and brats, Lenny is headed home to a lakeside retreat to meet his old pals and former teammates. There's Eric (Kevin James), the chubby one, whose wife (Maria Bello) is still breastfeeding their 4-year-old son.

Kurt (Chris Rock), a henpecked house husband under the thumb of his pregnant wife (Maya Rudolf). There is Marcus (David Spade), the single and loving ladies man. And finally there is Rob, a dopey thrice divorced vegan spiritualist married to a much, much, much older woman (Joyce Van Patten).

Beyond these minor character quirks there really is nothing to any of these characters. In the course of “Grown Ups” none of these characters evolve, deepen or expand our understanding of them. Sure, each is given an issue to play, like Sandler and his tech-obsessed brats, but each of these issues is resolved with little, if any, dramatic effort.

Like most Adam Sandler comedies, “Grown Ups” is an idea in search of a story or unifying theme that settles for being a series of occasionally funny gags and one liners. Sandler and his company Happy Madison don't so much develop screenplays really; rather, they come up with ideas, grab a camera and hope that something will come together in editing.

Nothing much comes together in “Grown Ups.” David Spade gets in a few good jabs. Kevin James falls down funny once or twice. Rob Schneider has a bit with an arrow that earns a chuckle but the good gags are few and far between. More often you get a lot of dead space in which the gang riffs in search of a punchline, often never finding it and allowing a scene to simply end awkwardly and unfunny.

None of my criticism of “Grown Ups” will matter to the Sandler cult. There is poo, there are multiple farts and the chubby guy, James, falls down funny. That's all the Sandler fan asks for and that is all that “Grown Ups delivers.” Success, it seems, is a highly subjective concept.

Movie Review: Deuce Bigelow European Gigolo

Deuce Bigelow European Gigolo (2005) 

Directed by Mike Bigelow 

Written by Harris Goldberg, Rob Schneider

Starring Rob Schneider, Eddie Griffin 

Release Date August 12th, 2005

Published August 15th, 2005 

It's good to have friends in Hollywood. Look at Rob Schneider.  This talentless ex-SNL star has managed to land lead roles in mainstream Hollywood comedies thanks almost entirely to his close friend Adam Sandler. It was Mr. Sandler's clout that helped launch Schneider's first ode to bad taste Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo and then The Hot Chick, both films also featuring Sandler in cameos. Now with the release of Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo, Mr. Sandler has once again somehow duped another major Hollywood studio into bankrolling his buddie's career.

Deuce Bigelow (Schneider) was once a mild mannered aquarium cleaner with dreams of being a marine biologist. However, after an encounter with a gigolo (Oded Fehr of The Mummy series slumming outside the action genre), Deuce met T.J (Eddie Griffin) a pimp who convinced Deuce to become, in his terminology, a man-whore. From there the film wallowed in low humor and earnest sentimentalism before shuffling off to DVD with way more box office revenue than it deserved.

With the sequel Deuce has given up the gigolo life to once again work the aquarium biz, however after a bizarre encounter at the beach Deuce accepts an invitation from T.J to go to Amsterdam where the latter has become an even more successful pimp. Naturally the permissive atmosphere of Amsterdam is quite conducive to T.J's lifestyle, prostitution not only being legal but apparently a respected trade.

Unfortunately someone has taken to murdering T.J's stable of man-whores and T.J himself has become a suspect. Only Deuce can prove T.J's innocence, but to do so he must once again become a gigolo. Along the way he meets Eva (Hanna Verboom) and wouldn't you know it, she has a weird connection to the crimes at the center of the plot. Well I don't know if plot is the right word, this movie stretches the idea of a movie 'plot' to a breaking point. 

If I may make an odd comparison, Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo reminded me, in its sort of nihilistic approach to bad taste, to Rob Zombie's horror flick The Devil's Rejects. Both films are pointless and inane in ways that leave the viewer more indifferent than offended or sickly entertained. Both films play as filmed masturbation: kinky, desperate expressions of the creators' id. Both Rob Zombie and Rob Schneider seem as if they really enjoy their films with very little regard to whether anyone else would enjoy them.

Trashing Deuce Bigelow for its incoherence, its crudity or its ineptitude would be too easy.  Those failings are a given when one buys the ticket. A critic could write that review without having watched the film as far as I'm concerned. I'm left with my own fascination as to who is supposed to enjoy Deuce Bigelow and why. What type of twisted sense of humor do you have to possess to find a laugh in such desperate inanity? 

There is a kind of trainwreck fascination to the film that I can understand but I think that would be giving Rob Schneider's core of fans way too much credit. For some reason there are people who find this brand of comedy funny and for the life of me, I cannot understand it. 

Movie Review: The Benchwarmers

The Benchwarmers (2006) 

Directed by Dennis Dugan

Written by Allan Covert, Nick Swardson

Starring Jon Heder, Rob Schneider, Nick Swardson, Jon Lovitz, Craig Kilborn

Release Date April 7th, 2006

Published April 11th, 2006 

There was a bit of controversy surrounding the release of the new comedy The Benchwarmers. Many critics were upset when Sony canceled critics' screenings across the country at the last minute. Critics were upset not necessarily because they did not get to see this particular film in time for newspaper reviews, but rather because it marked the continuation of a trend of films not being screened ahead of time for critics.

What is unfortunate about this situation is that the critical anger casts The Benchwarmers as some kind of watershed moment in the history of Hollywood studios and film critics. The last thing anyone wants is to make this abomination of a film memorable in any way, let alone historic. Ugh!

The Benchwarmers stars Adam Sandler's back up band--Rob Schneider, David Spade along with a script by acolytes Allen Covert and Nick Swardson. It also stars Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder in a definite fire-your-agent career move.

When a couple of nerdy kids are kicked off a baseball field by bullies, Gus (Rob Schneider), Richie (David Spade) and Clark (Jon Heder) challenge the bullies to a game. Gus is a natural athlete, however Richie, a 39-year-old virgin and video store clerk and Clark, a thirty-something mama's boy who has to wear a helmet wherever he goes, are not.

The trio somehow manage to win, leading to further challenges from bully teams. A following of nerdy kids desperate to see jocks get their comeuppance from a trio of nerds develops and comes to the attention of a billionaire nerd, Mel (Jon Lovitz), who throws out an additional challenge. He will build a state-of-the-art baseball stadium and give it to whatever city's team can beat the trio, now known as the Benchwarmers.

Directed by Dennis Dugan, who has a resume only a mother could love, including both Happy Gilmore and Big Daddy, The Benchwarmers is competent in terms of being in frame and correctly lit for both indoor and outdoor shots. After that it's pretty well downhill.

I have a theory that people in general never grow up, they simply get older. Schneider, Spade and the entire Sandler crew seem, to me, to be living proof of this theory. At some point each of these men should have outgrown dick and fart jokes. However, even as each has passed the age of 40, they return to the same tired lowbrow jokes.

One could argue, why mess with success? These guys have made quite a bank load off of this brand of humor. I would argue that this cannot work forever and eventually the well for these guys will dry up and they will be left with no one to gape slack-jawed at their antics. For now, though, they are right. Despite my distaste for this brand of humor, it is successful. The Benchwarmers opened to more than 20 million at the box office.

I was going to make a joke about Schneider being cast in a role with model Molly Sims as his love interest. However, with news that in reality David Spade is dating Heather Locklear, one must forget believability--real life is even more bizarre than the movies.

What can my critical brethren take away from The Benchwarmers? Not much. Early reviews pretty well wrote themselves on this film. There are no surprises or innovations in The Benchwarmers--I could have written this negative review of the film far in advance of having seen it. The main point is the audience for The Benchwarmers would have seen the film regardless of its Rotten Tomatoes ranking--currently only 11 percent positive.

Movie Review: 50 First Dates

50 First Dates (2004) 

Directed by Peter Segal 

Written by George Wing 

Starring Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, Blake Clark, Sean Astin, Dan Akroyd, Rob Schneider

Release Date February 13th, 2004

Published February 14th, 2004  

Adam Sandler has charted a strange career trajectory to becoming the highest paid actor in Hollywood. His films have run the gamut from awful to extraordinarily awful.  Then came Punch Drunk Love, Sandler's teaming with indie genius P. T Anderson, an unbelievable transformation into a real actor. Unfortunately, it didn't last. Sandler quickly regressed with the dreadful cartoon 8 Crazy Nights and a pair of mediocre live action comedies, Mr. Deeds and Anger Management. His latest film, 50 First Dates, continues Sandler's weird career twists and turns. A film that combines Sandler's best work since Punch Drunk Love and more of his most juvenile humor.

In 50 First Dates, Sandler is Henry Roth, a ladies man of mythic proportion. His legend is spread by the innumerable woman he meets while living in the vacation capital of Hawaii. Bedding vacationers and sending them off with some story of secret identities, or any other number of lies, Henry does all he can to avoid romantic entanglements. That is, until Henry meets Lucy Whitmore (Drew Barrymore), a flighty blonde teacher who eats at the same café every morning, reading the same Sunday newspaper, wearing the same outfit.

Odd? Indeed, and the explanation is even weirder. It seems Lucy was in an accident a year ago and as a result suffered a head injury that destroyed her short-term memory. Every night when she goes to bed her mind resets to the day of the accident. Her father Marlin (Blake Clark) and brother Doug (Sean Astin), not knowing how to deal with the situation, choose to relive the same day with her until they can find some other way to deal with it.

Despite the complicated nature of Lucy's condition, Henry can't resist her charm and begins finding different ways to introduce himself to her everyday. Eventually he even wins over her family and the romance grows as Henry sets about making Lucy remember him somehow and making her fall in love again everyday.

It's a concept that requires some suspension of disbelief but with Drew Barrymore's performance, that suspension is not hard at all. Barrymore delivers her best performance since she made Sandler somewhat less painful to watch in The Wedding Singer. It is her surprisingly complex, sweet performance that sells the far fetched memory loss concept and helps Sandler raise his game to the point where he actually assuages his usually cocky, doofus persona for a more laid back romantic sweetness that really works for him.

This is still an Adam Sandler film however, and his trademark juvenility is still in place. The difference in this film is that instead of Sandler wallowing in the film’s low humor, director Peter Seagal and writer George Wing smartly lay the film’s worst jokes on the supporting cast. That includes Sean Astin, lowering himself from the Oscar caliber Lord of The Rings to a subpar subplot as Barrymore's steroid abusing brother and Lusia Strus, an asexual security guard. Sandler's usual backup guys like Rob Schneider and Allen Covert are also along for the ride.

These subplots don't work but written with some distance from the main romantic plot, they do allow Sandler some separation from his usual antics allowing him to focus on being a likable, believable romantic lead. He pulls it off with romantic flourish, and an acceptable amount of sappy sentimental romance.

This Valentine's treat is one of the better romantic comedies of the last few years. In a genre that has suffered from formulaic plots and tired clichés it's not hard for a film like 50 First Dates to stand out. Still, I must give Sandler credit, when he wants to he can surprise you.

Movie Review The Hot Chick

The Hot Chick (2002) 

Directed by Tom Brady 

Written by Tom Brady, Rob Schneider 

Starring Rob Schneider, Rachel McAdams, Anna Faris, Matthew Lawrence, Eric Christian Olson 

Release Date December 13th, 2002 

Published December 13th, 2002 

To call a Rob Schneider movie juvenile and stupid is like looking at the sky and saying it's blue or saying water is wet. When you go see a Rob Schneider movie, you have to expect low-grade humor aimed at the 14-year-old-male demographic. Expect there to be a multitude of fart jokes, and various other references to bodily functions. There will also be genuinely funny moments and a cameo by Adam Sandler. So far, this formula has yet to yield an entertaining picture, but with the small number of laughs culled from his latest effort, The Hot Chick, the potential for a truly funny movie exists.

In The Hot Chick, a gorgeous high school cheerleader named Jessica (Rachel McAdams) rules her school with a scathing wit and disregard for her classmates' feelings. Jessica's life is perfect: she is head cheerleader, likely to be the prom queen, and she is in love with the star quarterback (Matthew Lawrence). Of course, karma has it in for this chick and it strikes when she steals a pair of ancient earrings from an unusual shop in the mall. The earrings' backstory, explained at the beginning of the film, is that they belonged to a woman who was promised into a marriage she did not want. 

Therefore, she uses the earrings' mystical power to trade bodies with a peasant girl. After Jessica loses one of the earrings and it is found by a petty criminal named Clive (Schneider), she wakes up in Clive's body and vice versa. Desperate for help, she seeks out her best friend April (Scary Movie's Anna Faris) for help. Not surprisingly April doesn't believe the strange man in front of her is her best friend but after some intimate details are shared, April realizes that this is indeed Jessica.

We have seen this set up before. In fact, in the 1980s, the body switching stuff was a genre unto its own. Anyone remember Kirk Cameron and Dudley Moore in Like Father Like Son or Judge Reinhold and Fred Savage in Vice Versa or George Burns and Charlie Schlatter in 18 Again? (And the list goes on and on.) Schneider and his co-writer/director Tom Brady do not do anything to improve upon this lame genre; merely adding gross-out jokes is not my idea of improvement. Still, Schneider's game performance has its moments, and McAdams really shines as the bitchy cheerleader.

The Hot Chick is not a very good movie but it's not nearly as bad as your average Schneider/Sandler offering. It's slightly tamer than anything he's done before, and it has some genuinely funny moments; not nearly enough laughs for me to recommend it, but not so bad as to be avoided at all costs.

Movie Review Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights

Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights

Directed by Sean Kearsley

Written by Alan Covert, Adam Sandler

Starring Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider 

Release Date November 27th, 2002 

Published November 25th, 2002 

Just when Adam Sandler earns a modicum of respect with his sensational turn in Punch Drunk Love, he turns around and slaps the audience in the face with his trademark juvenile stupidity. It's like in High School when the popular jock would talk to the nerds until his friends came around. Then he would be mean and boorish again. (Not that I could relate to that story... stupid nerds.) 

This time around, it's an animated Sandler voicing Davey Stone, the meanest guy in town. Stone has made it a habit to ruin Hanukkah and Christmas for everyone in town since his parents died when he was twelve. After Davey gets drunk and steals a snowmobile that he uses to destroy a Hanukkah/Christmas ice sculpture, Davey is hauled into court where he should be sent away for ten years. 

Before he can be sentenced an old man named Whitey, also voiced by Sandler, volunteers to take Davey under his wing. Davey is sentenced to work with Whitey refereeing kids basketball games. At first, Davey doesn't change at all and is a complete jerk to Whitey and Whitey's sister Eleanore, also voiced by Sandler. Of course, in typical fashion, Whitey begins to wear Davey down and after a cute little song, they are friends until the script throws up one last roadblock to prolong the film until its forced happy ending. Along the way, we are treated to excrement, snot, and various other disgusting elements that Sandler has some juvenile affinity for. 

I would be lying if I said that 8 Crazy Nights didn't have a couple of good laughs: something this scatological can't help but hit the target once in a while. But the laughs are rare and not nearly sufficient to make 8 Crazy Nights worth seeing. 

Memo to Adam Sandler: Punch Drunk Love showed honest potential, as does your teaming with Jack Nicholson in the forthcoming Anger Management. There is no need for this kind of stupidity. 8 Crazy Nights is likely to make more money on its opening weekend than Punch Drunk Lovewill make during its entire run, but remember, quality work is its own reward.