Movie Review: The Benchwarmers

The Benchwarmers (2006) 

Directed by Dennis Dugan

Written by Allan Covert, Nick Swardson

Starring Jon Heder, Rob Schneider, Nick Swardson, Jon Lovitz, Craig Kilborn

Release Date April 7th, 2006

Published April 11th, 2006 

There was a bit of controversy surrounding the release of the new comedy The Benchwarmers. Many critics were upset when Sony canceled critics' screenings across the country at the last minute. Critics were upset not necessarily because they did not get to see this particular film in time for newspaper reviews, but rather because it marked the continuation of a trend of films not being screened ahead of time for critics.

What is unfortunate about this situation is that the critical anger casts The Benchwarmers as some kind of watershed moment in the history of Hollywood studios and film critics. The last thing anyone wants is to make this abomination of a film memorable in any way, let alone historic. Ugh!

The Benchwarmers stars Adam Sandler's back up band--Rob Schneider, David Spade along with a script by acolytes Allen Covert and Nick Swardson. It also stars Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder in a definite fire-your-agent career move.

When a couple of nerdy kids are kicked off a baseball field by bullies, Gus (Rob Schneider), Richie (David Spade) and Clark (Jon Heder) challenge the bullies to a game. Gus is a natural athlete, however Richie, a 39-year-old virgin and video store clerk and Clark, a thirty-something mama's boy who has to wear a helmet wherever he goes, are not.

The trio somehow manage to win, leading to further challenges from bully teams. A following of nerdy kids desperate to see jocks get their comeuppance from a trio of nerds develops and comes to the attention of a billionaire nerd, Mel (Jon Lovitz), who throws out an additional challenge. He will build a state-of-the-art baseball stadium and give it to whatever city's team can beat the trio, now known as the Benchwarmers.

Directed by Dennis Dugan, who has a resume only a mother could love, including both Happy Gilmore and Big Daddy, The Benchwarmers is competent in terms of being in frame and correctly lit for both indoor and outdoor shots. After that it's pretty well downhill.

I have a theory that people in general never grow up, they simply get older. Schneider, Spade and the entire Sandler crew seem, to me, to be living proof of this theory. At some point each of these men should have outgrown dick and fart jokes. However, even as each has passed the age of 40, they return to the same tired lowbrow jokes.

One could argue, why mess with success? These guys have made quite a bank load off of this brand of humor. I would argue that this cannot work forever and eventually the well for these guys will dry up and they will be left with no one to gape slack-jawed at their antics. For now, though, they are right. Despite my distaste for this brand of humor, it is successful. The Benchwarmers opened to more than 20 million at the box office.

I was going to make a joke about Schneider being cast in a role with model Molly Sims as his love interest. However, with news that in reality David Spade is dating Heather Locklear, one must forget believability--real life is even more bizarre than the movies.

What can my critical brethren take away from The Benchwarmers? Not much. Early reviews pretty well wrote themselves on this film. There are no surprises or innovations in The Benchwarmers--I could have written this negative review of the film far in advance of having seen it. The main point is the audience for The Benchwarmers would have seen the film regardless of its Rotten Tomatoes ranking--currently only 11 percent positive.

Movie Review: Dickie Roberts Former Child Star

Dickie Roberts Former Child Star (2003) 

Directed by Sam Weisman

Written by Fred Wolf 

Starring David Spade, Mary McCormack, Jon Lovitz, Alyssa Milano, Rob Reiner, Craig Bierko

Release Date September 5th, 2003 

Published September 4th, 2003 

Roger Ebert has a terrific line in his review of Dickie Roberts: Child Star. A line that sums up David Spade's career better than anything I have ever heard. Roger believes that David Spade could successfully play the lead in a story that hates his character. That perfectly describes the problems with both Dickie Roberts and Spade's previous film Joe Dirt. It's obvious from watching both films that neither character was built to be likable or sweet. Yet, because Hollywood believes all lead characters must be wholly likable, these films were forced to shoehorn in character traits that Spade cannot play. Things like being likable or charismatic or attractive. 

In the 1970's, Dickie Roberts was the star of one of TV's biggest hits "The Glimmer Gang". Then when he turned 9 years old the show was canceled and Dickie's mother left him. From the age of 9, Dickie's oddball behavior and pigeonholed rep as a child star prevented him from getting an acting gig and eventually he took a job parking cars at a Hollywood restaurant.

Dickie remains grounded somewhat by his group of former child star friends including Greg Brady, Danny Partridge, Leif Garrett and Screech. The group gets together once a week to bemoan their career lows and play poker. Also helping Dickie is his agent Sidney (Jon Lovitz). Are all Hollywood agents in movies named Sidney?

After an embarrassing loss on Celebrity Boxing and a break up with his bitch girlfriend Cyndi (Alyssa Milano), Dickie hears of a movie part that he would be perfect for. It's a role in a new film directed by Rob Reiner. Unfortunately for Dickie, Rob Reiner doesn't think Dickie could play the role because Dickie never had a real childhood. This launches us into the thrust of the film; Dickie hires a family to treat him to the childhood he never had.

Given our culture’s odd fascination with the travails of former child stars, Dickie Roberts starts with a good satirical premise. Unfortunately, Spade and his co-writer Fred Wolf abandon much of the satire in favor of the treacle family stuff. The family dynamic of Dickie relearning how to be a child to become a better adult is the driving force of the plot but it's not nearly as interesting or funny as the one scene of Dickie and his child star buddies playing poker. There are a number of funny lines sprinkled throughout the poker scene such as Barry Williams using Brady memorabilia in place of cash or Dustin "Screech" Diamond's mortification over the perks he never got.

Forcing Spade and his smarmy, snarky persona into the family scenes and a terrifically misguided romantic subplot with the mother played by Mary McCormick slams the film to a halt. Credit Spade for wringing a few laughs out of these scenes but not nearly enough. Only one scene in the family section of the film shows Spade and Wolf's best comic instincts. It's a scene where the family's young daughter tries out for her schools pep squad. A more popular girl tries out first and performs a stunningly sexual dance and the judges are rightly horrified. In most films that performance would be praised but here it gets the treatment that a nine-year-old acting like a stripper deserves, utter shock and disdain.

It's unquestionable that both Spade and Wolf have strong comic instincts. The problem is they are too often reigned in by conventional film writing that states that lead characters must be likable from beginning to end. Neither Dickie Roberts or Joe Dirt are likable characters, they are buffoons and the movies that surround them struggle to treat them that way but are undermined by the conventional need to make the characters sympathetic. Spade just doesn't do sympathetic.

Given the opportunity, Spade might make a very funny movie. In fact I am one of the few who liked his first solo starring effort Lost and Found where he seemed less shackled to the conventionally likable character. That film’s massive box office failure may be some of the reason why his other films have fit easier into that Hollywood likability box and have been comic failures whereas Lost and Found was merely a money failure.