Movie Review: All About Steve

All About Steve (2009) 

Directed by Phil Traill

Written by Kim Barker

Starring Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper, Thomas Haden Church, Ken Jeong

Release Date September 4th, 2009

Published September 4th, 2009

You don't watch a movie like All About Steve as much as witness it. Like a crime in progress or a car accident, you were there, you were slightly traumatized and later, in a daze of disbelief, you recounted your experience to authorities. All About Steve is such a remarkably bad movie that it may actually be an insult to a car wreck to make the comparison.

All About Steve began life as a drama about a mentally challenged woman whose syndrome involves an obsession with crossword puzzles. Through a pity blind date she meets a man who was unaware that he was going out with a handicapped person. After being accosted by her, he tries to reject her in a way that spares her feelings. Instead, he stokes her fire and she begins a cross country trek to show her love for him.

It was to be a dramatic journey of self discovery for this spunky mentally challenged gal and a role that would deliver to whomever played it; a chance to show real dramatic range. Somewhere along the line things were derailed in a fashion that even Amtrak could not imagine.

OK, I was lying about the film's origin as a drama. As far as I know, All About Steve is everything its creators intended it to be. It is a broad, boneheaded, nonsensical romantic comedy about one crazy person chasing a sad wretch across state lines aided by people of similar diminished mental capacities. What anyone saw in this remarkably misguided screenplay is truly baffling. 

Sandra Bullock stars as Mary. She somehow subsists as a crossword puzzle creator. We are told that this is her only job and that she only publishes in one paper, once a week. If there is a newspaper in this country paying a crossword puzzle maker a living wage for one days work then I think we know why the papers are going out of business.

Mary has no social life. So, her meddling parents set her up on a blind date. This poor, doomed soul is Steve played by Bradley Cooper. Subjected to 10 minutes with Mary, in which she says about a million words and attempts to have sex with him, before they have even pulled away from the curb of her parents' home.

Steve blows her off nicely but saying he has to work and 'wishes she could come' he unwittingly sets himself on a path to disaster. Soon, Mary is fired from her job for somehow publishing an all Steve crossword (How did it get in the paper? All she did was drop it off? Did they fire all the editors but keep the type setter and and the wacko crossword chick? Logical questions are not welcome here.), Mary hits the road to follow Steve to work.

Work for Steve is as a cameraman for a fictional cable news outlet. His reporter pal, Thomas Haden Church, thinks Mary the stalker is a funny prank and encourages her by repeatedly telling her where the crew is headed next. Mary follows to a protest involving a baby with three legs, a hurricane/tornado and finally to a sinkhole that somehow swallowed several deaf children.

The three legged baby, if you don't get the joke already, is one of a number of juvenile jokes in this blisteringly stupid movie. A baby with three legs is the subject of protesters who want to the leg cut off and those who don't who then get to chant 'save the third leg'. If you need the joke explained maybe you are the audience for this movie.

Wildly moronic, utterly inept and a just plain disaster, All About Steve is not merely one of the worst films of 2009, it's a candidate for worst of the last decade. Poor Bradley Cooper seems absolutely lost in the morass of this idiocy. Sandra Bullock on the other hand indulges every last moronic twist.

I could almost recommend this bizarrely horrendous movie just for the explanation that Bullock as Mary gives for her blindingly red boots. It's a brief bit of dialogue but it is so astoundingly doltish that you can't help but indulge a condescending, ear splitting, gut laugh, not quite what the movie intended for this moment.

If I see a movie as bad as All About Steve again this year, I may have to quit the critic biz. There is a limit to the mindblowingly awful that one person can endure. I think I am safe. All About Steve sets such a high bar of badness it would be remarkable if anything could approach it.

Movie Review Imagine That

Imagine That (2009) 

Directed by Karey Kirkpatrick

Written by Ed Solomon, Chris Matheson 

Starring Eddie Murphy, Yara Shahidi, Thomas Haden Church, Ronny Cox, Martin Sheen

Release Date August 14th, 2009 

Published August 15th, 2009 

The problem with Eddie Murphy as the star of family movies is that he never seems sincere. Some of it is our fault as an audience. We pigeonholed Eddie as a foul mouthed comedy superstar. The move to becoming the star of family comedies came after we were tired of his act. There were also some unfortunate offscreen issues that dimmed Eddie's star. With few offers on the table Eddie jumped the family movie bandwagon and has never looked back. It is in that rather desperate move into the family genre where his insincerity lies and the latest evidence is called Imagine That.

Evan Danielson (Murphy) is a top stock speculator. He is in line to take over the Denver branch of a major investment firm and he owes it all to a focus on work at all costs. Evan lost his family due to his single minded focus on work and now only sees his daughter Olivia (Yara Shahidi) sparingly. There is however, an impediment to Evan's ascension to the top at work. His name is Whitefeather (Thomas Haden Church, a long way from his Sideways Oscar nomination), a fellow speculator who dazzles clients with his alleged Indian heritage. He undermines Evan at every turn with his eyes on the big promotion.

Things get even more difficult for Evan when his ex-wife (Nicole Ari Parker) drops their daughter on him for a week. He had agreed to take Olivia before the promotion came up, now she is holding him to it. For her part, Olivia is a troubled, quiet child with few friends and a possibly unhealthy attachment to her security blanket.

Instead of interacting with other kids at school Olivia places her blanket over her head and has long conversations with several imaginary friends. The 'friends' are princesses who not only talk to Olivia but have advice for her dad. They can predict stocks and soon they are giving Evan stunningly accurate advice.

Daddy and daughter bond over playing with the princesses, only she can see them, but convention tells us as moviegoers that the bond cannot last and eventually the need for stock advice from the princesses will come between them. Worse yet, like clockwork, the finale of Imagine That comes down to a chase to the school where...

Oh, do I even have to tell you.

You've seen Imagine That in different forms a thousand different times. Murphy and Director Karey Kirkpatrick adhere to absolutely every family movie cliche creating a rote, predictable and desperately unfunny slog through the typical and expected.

Well, there is one element of Imagine That I did not predict: The sad, despicable and ludicrous performance of the once promising Thomas Haden Church. Had he played this role before earning an Oscar nomination for Sideways and going on to star in Spiderman 3, it would make sense. Playing second fiddle to Eddie Murphy in a third rate family movie cannot be where Thomas Haden Church imagined his career.

Worse yet is the actual performance in which Church plays a white guy pretending to be a full blooded American Indian and using that heritage to become a successful stock analyst. Why Church or anyone involved in Imagine That thought this character was a good idea is, pardon the pun, unimaginable.

The stupidity of Church's character only makes worse the experience of the overall dreadful enterprise that is Imagine That.

Movie Review Hellboy (2019)

Hellboy (2019) 

Directed by Neil Marshall

Written by Andrew Cosby

Starring David Harbour, Milla Jovovich, Ian McShane, Daniel Dae Kim, Thomas Haden Church 

Release Date April 12th, 2019 

Published April 11th, 2019

Do we really need a Hellboy reboot? No, no we do not. But, Hollywood does not appear to care for our opinion on this matter. Hellboy is a character that many people recognize and thus may pay money to see and regardless of the compromised state of the character and the story, his marketability is what truly matters. Hellboy has a Q-rating that rings a bell in marketing meetings among the right demographic of desirable young consumers. That’s why we have a new Hellboy.

Stranger Things breakout star, David Harbor, picks up the mantle of Hellboy, for this reboot. In this re-imaging of Hellboy, we join the story with our hero, already a member of the Paranormal Bureau of Investigation and working for his father, Professor Bloom (Ian McShane). Hellboy is out on a personal errand as we join his story, he’s traveled to Mexico to locate a friend and fellow agent who has gone missing in the world of Lucha Libre wrestling.

This is a clever and colorful way to start the movie but, sadly, it’s all downhill from here. Hellboy finds his friend and is forced to kill him when he becomes a demon bat. Before he dies, the friend warns Hellboy that the end of the world is coming. In a prologue to the story, we meet the Blood Queen (Milla Jovavich). The Blood Queen intended to bring monsters and demons out of the shadows and destroy humanity thousands of years ago before she was stopped by King Arthur and Merlin.

Now, The Blood Queen is about to make a comeback. Despite having been beheaded and having her body carved into several pieces and locked inside boxes, The Blood Queen is set to return and only Hellboy and his friends can stop her from destroying humanity. Aiding Hellboy are his long time friend Alice (Sasha Lane), a psychic with ever changing and growing powers, and Major Ben Daimio, an English secret agent who claims to hate monsters like Hellboy while harboring a monstrous secret of his own.

Together, reluctantly, they will battle The Blood Queen and several other deathly threats put forward by director Neil Marshall, a man with a known knack for quality monsters. Neil Marshall was the director of one of my favorite monster movies of recent memory, 2005’s The Descent. Where that remarkable talent has gone since then is anyone’s guess. Marshall followed up The Descent with a mediocre Mad Max knock off called Doomsday and has never again looked like the director who crafted The Descent.

Hellboy demonstrates some of the craft that Marshall was once known for but it is also lacking in many of the same ways that Marshall’s post-The Descent features are lacking. Much like Doomsday, which cribbed heavily from the worst tropes of the Mad Max movies, Hellboy feels overly familiar with an arc that is indistinguishable from any number of fantasy adventure or superhero-comic book movies. There is little to no invention in this story.

David Harbour cuts a giant figure as Hellboy but the choice to direct him as a larger, slower, version of Deadpool is perhaps the film's biggest failing. The R-Rating for Hellboy essentially gets second billing to Hellboy himself with the film using the freedom of the R-Rating to attempt to appeal to hardcore comic fans. Unfortunately, Hellboy lacks the skill and intelligence of the makers of Deadpool and there is simply no wit and not nearly enough style to the R-Rated violence in Hellboy as there was in Deadpool.

Hellboy doesn’t need an R-Rating. The violence that director Neil Marshall has employed that earns the film that rating never feels organic or necessary. The violence of Hellboy somehow fails to even induce shock and without that pinch of shock it comes off as merely gross. Hellboy comes off as childish and infantile in comparison to other R-Rated heroes such as Logan and Deadpool, and that’s saying something given the level of juvenile in Deadpool 2. In Deadpool, the hardcore violence is delivered with such style and humor that no matter what Deadpool the character does, the film feels mature. Hellboy never achieves anything similar.

Hellboy is a kid brother’s version of an R-Rated fantasy comic. It’s all flash and no style. It’s all blood and guts and no character or wit. Hellboy has all the pretension toward something edgy without ever actually becoming edgy or even controversial. Small kids might lose sleep over some of the gory images of Hellboy 2019, but anyone with fully developed sensibilities will find the film witless, charmless and infantile, especially when compared to other R-Rated comic book hero stories

Movie Review Spiderman 3

Spiderman 3 (2007) 

Directed by Sam Raimi 

Written by Ivan Raimi, Alvin Sargent 

Starring Tobey Maguire, James Franco, Kirsten Dunst, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace, Bryce Dallas Howard, J.K Simmons 

Release Date May 4th, 2007 

Published May 3rd, 2007 

It was bound to happen. The law of diminishing returns had to kick in at some point. For some film franchises; it happens right away (Matrix Reloaded, anyone?). For some; a good run continues (We’ll see what happens with Shrek and Harry Potter soon). Other film franchises have never gotten off the ground creatively (How did we get a second Fantastic Four and a third Rush Hour?).

But, for one of the great franchises of all time, a great run doesn’t exactly end as much as it ebbs. In Spiderman 3 a great franchise doesn’t jump the shark, to appropriate a TV term, rather it levels off with a first mediocre entry. Failures in logic, underwritten villains and overripe melodrama, can’t sink a great franchise but it does bring an unsatisfying end.

When last we left Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) he had revealed himself as Spiderman to the woman he loves Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) and she had run away from her wedding to be with him. Now, Peter is ready to take the relationship to the next level and ask Mary Jane to be his wife.If only things could be that simple.

Unfortunately for Spiderman a trifecta of villains has other plans for the webslinger's future. First there is Peter’s ex-best friend Harry Osbourne (James Franco) who believes Spiderman killed his father and wishes for revenge. Then there is Flint Marko (Thomas Haden Church) a petty thief who stumbles into some kind of science experiment and becomes the Sandman.

Finally, the third villain, for a time, is Peter himself. With New York finally coming to see Spidey as a real hero, things are going to Peter’s head. He is soaking up the love and admiration of the public and is beginning to neglect his relationship with Mary Jane. When a meteor filled with a lively black goo slams into the earth it attaches itself to Peter Parker and its power is transformative.

The problems with Spiderman 3 are going to be obvious and overbearing for some and easily forgivable for others; but they should be obvious to everyone. Director Sam Raimi, in a rush to cram a whole lot of plot into not a lot of space, cuts a few to many logical corners. Coincidence and contrivance takes the place of rational plotting.

Characters make decisions based on what is needed for the scene even if it contradicts previous behavior. More than once a character arrives somewhere because the plot needs them and not for any other logical reason. One character holds on to a piece of information that could have been helpful as far back as Spiderman 2. This previously insignificant character happens to hold this info until just the moment that it is needed in this plot.

Despite the logical leaps and the abuse of coincidence and contrivance, there is still much to enjoy in Spiderman 3. The computer graphics continue to be cutting edge. The action and CGI work together in dazzling effect. The scene in which Flint Marko becomes the Sandman is a visual mind blower as we watch Thomas Haden Church pulled apart atom by atom until there is nothing but sand.

Then; there are the fight scenes which grow bigger with each successive battle. Peter versus Harry, fighting in mid air. Spidey taking on Sandman inside and outside a moving brinks truck and the battle at the end between Spider and the tandem of Sandman and that villainous black goo, which attached itself to a new host, are all terrific scenes and more than enough reason for me to recommend Spiderman 3.

Later this summer Shrek will try to avoid its own jump the shark moment. Meanwhile Pirates of the Caribbean will try and bounce back from a lackluster follow up. Every franchise is different but each will have a low point. If Spiderman 3 is the low point for the Spiderman franchise then we can look forward to more great things from our friendly neighborhood Spiderman the next time he swings into theaters.

Movie Review Sideways

Sideways (2004) 

Directed by Alexander Payne 

Written by Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor 

Starring Paul Giamatti, Thomas Haden Church, Virginia Madsen, Sandra Oh 

Release Date October 22nd, 2004 

Published November 13th, 2004 

Wannabe novelist Miles (Paul Giamatti) is sweating the fate of his first novel as he heads off for a week long bachelor send off for his friend Jack (Thomas Haden Church), though to hear Jack tell it, Miles’ novel will be on store shelves in no time. Jack has always done little things such as this that has made Miles uncomfortable but as “Sideways” progresses it’s clear that Miles will put up with it, Jack seems to be his only friend. 

Divorced for two years, Miles cannot get over his last relationship and has more and more come to rely on his love of great wine to get him through a dreary week as an 8th grade English teacher. Is Miles an alcoholic? He would say no but the evidence seems to say otherwise. Miles’ drinking isn’t really the subject of “Sideways” but rather a sad subtext.

The text of “Sideways,” the story that drives the film, is Miles and Jack’s week long trip to California wine country in Solvang, California. On the trip Miles thinks that they are going to drink wine, play golf and get back to L.A in time for the rehearsal dinner before Jack’s wedding. Jack, on other hand, makes one thing clear; he’s getting laid on this trip one last time before he gets married.

There is an element of “Sideways” that plays like “American Pie” for the mid-life crisis crowd. Jack is an overgrown child, a slave to his sex drive and the needs of the moment in front of him. Miles is lower key but in the way that he allows himself to be dragged into Jack’s world he demonstrates that he isn’t much more mature than the friend he constantly looks down upon.

On their first night in Solvang Miles and Jack meet Maia (Virginia Madsen) that Miles had spent a little time with on previous trips but she was married then. She’s not married anymore and when Jack makes the acquaintance of a local girl named Stephanie (Sandra Oh) who happens to be friends with Maia, Jack’s plans to get himself and Miles laid kick in even as Giamatti and Madsen’s maturity plays heavy against such childishness.

This brings us to arguably, the most famous scene in “Sideways,” easily the scene that won Virginia Madsen an Academy Award nomination for Best Actress and should have one Best Actor for Giamatti. As Miles and Maia chat about wine they each reveal themselves in elegantly crafted speeches; Miles revealing parallels between himself and his favorite wine, how this particular grape used in Pinot Noir is thin skinned, temperamental and can only be cultivated by the most patient of growers.

As Miles continues the metaphor turns to lament as Miles describes the taste of a good Pinot in the same way one might have described Miles if he ever reached his potential, haunting and brilliant but only under just the right circumstance. The side references Miles makes to Cabernet and how it can thrive anywhere and that it is ‘prosaic’ in an inescapable description of Jack.

Yes, the scene is a little too self aware but it works because Giamatti is so sympathetic in this moment. Then as the scene turns to Virginia Madsen and she describes the life of wine with this look of warmth and great beauty you quickly realize that this is the woman who could coax Miles to his full potential. The scene ends as it only can as early as it is in the movie; in awkwardness as shy fumbling Miles blows the moment only to even more awkwardly attempt recapture it.

These are wonderfully human moments that draw us in and glue us to our seat for the rest of the ride that is “Sideways.” It’s a film about characters that do some awful things but are never caricatures, never merely types of characters. Paul Giamatti especially delivers a performance of deep pathos, a sympathetic portrayal of a pathetic man striving to no longer be pathetic, failing more often than he succeeds.

Wine is the life blood of “Sideways” and Miles’ love of wine is his one respite, an area of expertise that he can fairly be proud of and yet offers another layer to his character, pomposity. The oenophile Miles is arrogant and snobbish and yet his expertise in the realm of wine also gives this otherwise pathetic character an air of dignity and sophistication that no other hobby could bestow.

Did you know that the success of “Sideways” has in just a few weeks done such damage to sales of some brands of Merlot that industry insiders are calculating the potential damages to their brand? It’s just one throwaway scene, Miles vehemently refusing to drink Merlot and yet the impact was felt and is still being felt among those who produce Merlot and champion it. 

Ah, the wonderful quirks of our popular culture. 

Movie Review Smart People

Smart People (2008) 

Directed by Noam Murro 

Written by Mark Poirer 

Starring Dennis Quaid, Elliot Page, Sarah Jessica Parker, Thomas Haden Church

Release Date April 11th, 2008 

Published April 10th, 2008

A terrific cast attempts to cover the flaws of an irritatingly self satisfied screenplay and amateur direction in Smart People. Working against type Dennis Quaid impresses but is left adrift while Oscar nominees Elliot Page and Thomas Haden Haden Church try too hard to leave behind their defining performances behind. Then there is Sarah Jessica Parker who essays the only interesting character in this movie but is undone by the movie itself when, late in the film, things go completely off the rails.

Lawrence Wetherhold (Dennis Quaid) is a brilliant but socially inept literature professor at Carnegie Mellon University. His wife died a while back and he has yet to even try to move on, every item of her clothing remains upstairs in a second bedroom that was her closet. Lawrence's daughter Vanessa (Elliot Page) has taken on most of the wifely tasks, cooking, cleaning and such, even seeming to raise herself in her father's pompous, intellectual image. While Lawrence awaits word from publishers on his latest intellectual screed on an obscure literary legend, Vanessa is waiting for word from Stanford and studying far too diligently for a perfect SAT score.

Their version of domestic bliss is upended when jerk Lawrence tries to retrieve his car from an impound lot and ends up falling after climbing over a fence. The fall causes a seizure and that means he can no longer drive. When Vanessa refuses to be his chauffeur she allows Lawrence's adopted brother Chuck to move in in exchange for becoming his driver. The situation is entirely unsuitable for Lawrence who has long ago tired of his brothers constant mooching and get rich quick scheming. Meanwhile, in the hospital Lawrence meets Janet Hartigan (Sarah Jessica Parker), a doctor and former student of his whom he graded poorly but now he is desperate to somehow impress.

These four Smart People begin a series of collisions and disruptions of each other's lives that seem as if they should be entertaining. Instead, Smart People is a movie that just sort of happens and then it's over. It seems as if it should be funnier than it is. The talented cast makes you believe it is more charming than it really is. Director Noam Murro's competent direction contributes to the idea of Smart People as a smart movie. Further post film reflection however brings about the revelation that there really isn't much too Smart People at all.

Mark Jude Poirier wrote the script for Smart People but his real contribution to the film is a quote in the New York Times in which he marvels at the fact that Smart People is a movie where not much really happens. A film about nothing? Seinfeld this is not. Smart People is actually about something but figuring what that is would require us to spend more time with these rather boring, self absorbed characters. Lawrence's defining trait is pomposity and Dennis Quaid eats a good deal of screen time demonstrating that quality. Thomas Haden Church gets to be the funky, pot smoking uncle but it makes him no less self absorbed.

Elliot Page takes on the role of Vanessa as if it were a repudiation of her Juno character. Don't worry, the smartassy sing-song sarcasm is still in place but it comes with a character who is an overachieving young republican with no friends and a seriously odd obsession for the clothing of a casual Laura Bush. As for Parker, she doesn't come off as terribly self absorbed except when she is the victim of some seriously poor editing and directorial decisions late in the film. It seems that several important scenes that might explain some of her character's bizarre actions late in the film were cut for one reason or another. This leaves the character of Janet looking shrewish and off putting because her actions are almost entirely without motive.