Movie Review Punisher Warzone

Punisher Warzone (2008) 

Directed by Lexi Alexander

Written by Nick Santora, Art Marcum, Matt Holloway 

Starring Ray Stevenson, Dominic West, Julie Benz, Dash Mihok, Wayne Knight 

Release Date December 5th, 2008 

Published December 5th, 2008 

That sound you have been hearing for weeks as commercials aired for Punisher Warzone with the collective America all screaming "WHO" when the name Ray Stevenson was touted. Who the hell is Ray Stevenson? He was one of the stars of HBO's well respected series Rome.

Of course, that show never averaged more than 2 million viewers per airing in its two seasons and only 200,000 of those viewers are likely to be able to recognize good ol' Ray as Titus Pullo. So why does Lionsgate tout Ray Stevenson? Who knows.

They would have been much better off touting the film's extraordinary violence. Punisher Warzone cuts more throats, explodes more heads and spills more fake blood than any three of the Saw films combined. The perverse level of violence and the director's lingering camera as said violence commences reaches an almost entertaining level of kitsch.

Almost.

Ray Stevenson (Yes, that Ray Stevenson) stars as Frank Castle, an ex-special forces soldier whose family was killed in cold blood. Now he spends his days hunting the wicked and has set his sights on the local mob. Led by the sadistic Billy Russoti (Dominic West) this collection of mobsters are some of the most offensive goomba stereotypes in history.

Most of these Italian stereotypes are just cannon fodder for Frank who in the opening scenes swings into action slicing heads, necks and limbs. He is soon swinging upside down from a chandelier shooting a pair of guns that mow down a roomful of gangsters, murdering not just goombas but the laws of physics as well.

It comes down, of course, to a battle between Frank Castle and Russotti who by the end has been renamed Jigsaw, an affront to the exceptional baddie from the Saw movies. There are a couple of cops involved as well, Dash Mihok and Colin Salmon play a pair of the worst cops in movie history.

Director Lexi Alexander shows one thing in Punisher Warzone,  you don't have to be a man to record some seriously hardcore violence. Alexander in fact pushes beyond even her most perverse counterparts, leading one to wonder if her gender played a role in her choice to  include so much violence. If so, what was she trying to prove?

Punisher Warzone is violent in ways so outlandish you almost have to admire it. I don't admire it but I was mildly amused. Unfortunately, director Alexander fails to go for the full on kitsch and the movie bogs down when there isn't blood being spilt. That takes the film from so bad it's good to just plain bad.

Movie Review The Longshots

The Longshots (2008) 

Directed by Fred Durst 

Written by Nick Santora, Doug Atchison 

Starring Ice Cube, Keke Palmer, Dash Mihok, Tasha Smith, Matt Craven 

Release Date August 22nd, 2008 

Published August 21st, 2008 

"Zzzz" Zzzz" Huh, what. Oh. Right. I am reviewing The Longshots starring (Yawn) Ice Cube and Keke Palmer. "Zzzz" "Zzzz". Oh. Sorry. Even thinking about this sports movie snoozefest makes me nod off. It's not that The Longshots isn't appealing or well crafted, it's just not all that interesting. A girl quarterback is novel and the true story thing makes it more novel. Beyond that however, the film, directed by (I kid you not) former Limp Bizkit rocker Fred Durst, is a by the numbers sports movie filled with all of the uplift, pomp and circumstance typical to the genre.

Ice Cube stars as Curtis, a layabout former high school football stud whose life just didn't pan out. Now a neighborhood cautionary tale, Curtis is pushed by his sister to take an interest in his niece Jasmine. They have little in common. When one day Curtis tempts Jasmine into throwing the football with him he finds her surprisingly adept.

Curtis decides to nurture her talent and before long she is throwing with more power and accuracy than most boys her age. Curtis decides to get her a shot with a local pop warner team. Coach Warner (Matt Craven) is, not surprisingly, dubious of the girl's talent but is soon won over. The team stinks anyway, why not a girl quarterback. Jasmine gets a shot and whaddaya know, the team starts winning.

You can plot the rest of the movie in your head. There is a subplot with Jasmine's no good, deadbeat father. That plot, like the main sports story, plays out in just the same by the numbers fashion. Clearly, Fred Durst and writer Nick Santora have read their McKee books. They plot everything on a flow chart and never deviate. Predictability quickly gives way to boredom in The Longshots and boredom is a sin no film can survive.

Keke Palmer is a young actress with a very bright future. She however, needs to choose the right roles. Akeelah and the Bee, definitely the right role. The Longshots? Not so much. It's not that she doesn't perform well. It is rather that she is forgotten amidst the supremely dull presaged plot. No actress, no matter how engaging, can overcome a plot as rote and uneventful as that of The Longshots.

(Yawn) The Longshots is a devastatingly dull sports movie. Despite the very talented Keke Palmer and the likable Ice Cube, this movie was DOA. Director Fred Durst and writer Nick Santora doomed this project when they failed to find something more to do with this plot beyond adhering to every melodramatic, sports movie cliche in the book.