Movie Review: Aliens in the Attic

Aliens in the Attic (2009) 

Directed by John Schultz

Written by Mark Bunon, Adam F. Goldberg

Starring Ashley Tisdale, Carter Jenkins, Austin Butler, Kevin Nealon

Release Date July 31st, 2009 

Published August 2nd, 2009

Idiot movies like Aliens in the Attic are why I discourage parents from seeing live action kids flicks. The fact is that 99% of live action kid flicks rot out loud. Aliens in the Attic simply proves the point, only take your kids to animated movies. Even then, wait for it to be a Pixar animated movie.

Aliens in the Attic is the dopey story of ugly green midgets come to earth to take over. Why they begin with a summer house in the middle of nowhere is likely a joke I missed while attempting to retrieve my ever rolling eyes. Standing in the way of the invasion are a group of mean little brats and one not so horrible one.

The not so bad kid is merely boring. He is Tom (Carter Pearson) and from moment one he is picked on by all around him. He is joined by his brainless sister Bethany (Ashley Tisdale), her disturbingly older and creepily leering boyfriend Ricky (Robbie Hoffman) and a group of smaller cousins who, like us, also think Tom is boring.

They are on vacation with a group of the most annoyingly clueless parents ever put to screen. Kevin Nealon and Andy Richter lend unneeded and entirely untapped comic credentials to Aliens in the Attic as the befuddled dads.

Worst of the adults however is poor Doris Roberts. The Emmy nominated mother from Everybody Loves Raymond is called upon to perform karate in some of the most painfully unfunny comic fight scenes put to film. One can only assume that the awful effects used to place Ms. Roberts in these fight scenes are intentionally bad but it's hard to tell when everything in the film is so poorly crafted.

There is not a single laugh or note of originality in one minute of this slapdash mess. Aliens in the Attic was cynically crafted to remove money from people's wallets and nothing more. Call me elitist if you like but I believe movies, especially those made for kids, should enrich the culture.

I believe that when a movie is made for an audience of children that the filmmakers have a duty to make a film of high quality that does more than merely asphyxiate a child for 90 minutes while mom and dad play sudoku on their iPhones. A movie made for kids should have a point and purpose and short of that should at the very least intrigue and involve the imagination.

Kids will get nothing of the sort from Aliens in the Attic a mindless piece of dreck that shutters the imagination in favor of cheap and easy gags and bad special effects. Ugh.

Movie Review High School Musical 3

High School Musical 3 (2009) 

Directed by Kenny Ortega

Written by Peter Barsocchini 

Starring Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale, Lucas Grabeel

Release Date October 24th, 2009

Published October 25th, 2009

To criticize High School Musical 3 is not unlike disciplining a puppy. Sure he knocked over plants and a table, but he's so darn cute. You can't stay mad. High School Musical 3 didn't exactly knock over plants but it is exceptionally mediocre for such a nationwide phenomena.

Allow me to beat you to the punch. I am fully aware that this movie was not made with me in mind. High School Musical 3 exists specifically to entertain pre-teen girls. I get that. But, just because it may hit that target perfectly doesn't make it any less mediocre. Aww, puppy, I'm sorry.

Zac Efron from Hairspray stars in HSM3 as basketball star Troy Bolton. As we meet him, his team is losing the big game. However, there's no deficit that a big song and dance number cannot overcome. Thanks to a cameo from Troy's ethereal girlfriend Gabriela Vanessa Hudgens), angelic in flowing white and spotlight, Troy makes the big shot to tie the game and his team wins.

From there the focus shifts to the final big musical of the drama season for east high school seniors. Troy, Gabriela, Troy's buddy Chad (Corbin Bleu) and his girlfriend Taylor (Monique Coleman) are forced into the show by friendly, sweet drama nerd Kelsi (Oleysa Rulin). She needs her friends to avoid yet another all Sharpay show.

Sharpay Evans (Ashley Tisdale) along with her twin brother/choreographer Ryan (Lucas Grabeel) is the diva of the drama department. A clueless wannabe star, out only for her own glory, Sharpay provides what amounts to a plot as she schemes to get the big musical number away from Gabriela and get a kiss from Troy, even if it is just acting.

Don't worry, HSM3 was never going to let her get away with it. There is barely an ounce of plot in HSM3. This is a movie about kids singing their hearts out, with no room to build a believable storyline or provide characters with honest to goodness arcs. That might distract from soundtrack sales.

The fact is, the only reason we have HSM3 in theaters is because execs at Disney are still kicking themselves over giving away HSM2 on the Disney channel where 17 million tweens and teens tuned in to sing along. They weren't about to blow it this time and thus, with a little kick up the budget ladder, HSM3 arrives in all of its harmless, G-rated glory.

Here is my conundrum. On the one hand, it's nice that there is something so simple and sweet for kids to watch. Why there is nary even an advertisement in HSM3, kids actually use cellphones for their intended purpose, as phones. The movie exists in a wonderful tween/teen fantasyland where you wouldn't mind your kids residing for a little while.

On the other hand, as a movie, High School Musical 3 is supremely mediocre. The music has a higher sugar content than anything in the theater lobby while the non-musical scenes clunk about with lines like "My heart doesn't know it's in high school".

Look, I feel that any movie intended for my kids should aim a little higher. Aspire to be something more. Like Wall-E or The Incredibles or anything Pixar, aspire to more than just to stimulate the part of the brain that responds to cute people singing catchy tunes.

I don't want HSM3 to get all angst ridden and tortured over some major issue but how about at the very least jettisoning the disturbing stereotypes. The character of Chad played by Corbin Bleu is an african american who is never seen without a basketball under his arm.

Last summer's Hairspray broke barriers by being a bubbly musical and a lovely parable out race. The film had depth and still kept its high energy dance routines. At the very least, High School Musical could give us a storyline to invest in. But it doesn't. Instead, much like a puppy, it's all cuteness.

And who can really criticize a puppy. High School Musical is too harmless for me to trash it too much, or even not to recommend it. Parents are desperate for safe entertainment for their tween and teen kids and this is exactly what they are looking for. Why should I rain on the parade?

Take the kids and sing along to High School Musical 3.