Movie Review Five Nights at Freddy's

Five Nights at Freddy's (2023) 

Directed by Emma Tammi 

Written by Scott Cawthon, Seth Cuddeback, Tyler MacIntyre 

Starring Josh Hutcherson, Elizabeth Lail, Mary Stuart Masterson, Matthew Lillard 

Release Date October 27th, 2023 

Published October 27th, 2023 

Writing about a movie like Five Nights at Freddy's is a thankless task. This is not a movie that gives a critic much to talk about. Movies this witless and needless are more of a tax on your time and energy than anything else. Five Nights at Freddy's is what is called, in industry-speak, an I.P play. That means that it is a well known intellectual property that studio marketers are confident that they can cash in on, regardless of whether the movie is any good. I.P plays are the 'content' that director Martin Scorsese was railing against when everyone accused him of hating Marvel movies. Scorsese doesn't care about Marvel movies, he cares about the result of such movies, I.P plays that take up theater space and waste the critical thinking and mental energy of filmgoers. 

The makers of Five Nights at Freddy's aren't so much make a work of art as they are designing a commercial product intended to sell tickets and shift merchandise. Instead of having a script and a visual design aesthetic, a movie like Five Nights at Freddy's has a spreadsheet that details the market testing that helps set goals for how many tickets sold, how many plush toys, blankets and video games sold, and somewhere on a back page, the money paid to people who've been hired to manufacture the final product movie, itself a product that is intended to be packaged and sold as a digital download, some time in the very near future. 

Five Nights at Freddy's isn't a movie that was written or directed, rather it is crafted by carpenters who hammer the product into something that resembles a movie but is more of an advertisement for selling tickets to what looks like a movie. The real hope is that you will buy a ticket and a t-shirt, a collector cup and a plush. And, of course, the video game which I am sure will shift a few units due to being made relevant again by a marketing campaign. As someone who loves movies and loves writing about movies, a movie like Five Nights at Freddy's is especially dispiriting. There was never any intention to make a good movie here, there was only ever a marketing campaign and merch. 

Hunger Games star Josh Hutcherson, who has apparently squandered his Hunger Games paychecks, how else does he end up here, stars in Five Nights at Freddy's as Mike, a depressed and deeply unlikable character. Mike is depressed for a reason, he feels that it was his fault that his younger brother, Garrett, was kidnapped when they were kids. Since then, Mike has made it his mission to try and recall the man who took his brother. This obsession has cost Mike jobs because either he's sleeping through work or he's angrily attacking people. 

Having been fired from his most recent job as a Mall security guard, Mike is forced to accept the only job made available to him, security guard in a dilapidated restaurant, a former kid friendly pizza place called Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. All Mike has to do is stay awake and watch some monitors, make sure no one breaks in. Why does a restaurant that has not been open in over a decade need a security guard? Who cares, the movie sure doesn't care. So, why should we care, right? It's just another extraneous detail in a movie that doesn't care about details or anything other than just existing and vaguely resembling a horror movie. 

Find my full length review at Horror.Media 

Movie Review: Thirteen Ghosts

Thirteen Ghost (2001) 

Directed by Steve Beck

Written by Neal Marshall Stevens, Richard D'Ovidio, 7 other writers 

Starring Tony Shalhoub, Embeth Davidtz, Matthew Lillard, Shannon Elizabeth

Release Date October 26th, 2001 

Published October 26th, 2001 

When was the last time you saw a scary movie that actually scared you? For me it would be 'Friday the 13th Part 2,' but what did I know I was nine years old when I saw that. For me horror films are like America's funniest home videos, some are painful to watch and some are truly hysterical. The 'Nightmare on Elm Street' series has provided me with some huge laughs some intentional, most not.

Sadly the newest addition to the horror genre 'Thirteen Ghosts' only has a few laughs one unintentional, a grisly murder meant for shock value that is made hilarious in execution; and one intentional laugh, a very funny line wondering what happened to the character whose murder provided the previous big laugh. That's all the joy one will take from Thirteen Ghosts. 

The film is otherwise populated with been there done that attempts at scares. One of the selling points for the movie is the much talked about house in the film. The house is impressive in design but we've seen it more lavishly done, quite recently, in 'The Haunting' and more interestingly done in the very funny 'House On Haunted Hill.' 

Meanwhile, the performances by Tony Shalhoub, Shannon Elisabeth and Embeth Davidtz are perfunctory, typical scenes of running and screaming. Elisabeth, who in commercials is played as a lead but only actually only appears in maybe a third of the film. I can say this about the acting; for the first time since 'Scream' I liked Matthew Lillard, his character provides a couple of good chuckles and his manic energy occasionally brings the film to life.

Of course I couldn't have expected 'Thirteen Ghosts' to be any good knowing, as I did, beforehand that it has been written by NINE different writers, yes, nine. I always thought four writers were the absolute kiss of death but NINE?

Movie Review: Wicker Park

Wicker Park (2004) 

Directed by Paul McGuigan

Written by Brandon Boyce 

Starring Josh Hartnett, Rose Byrne, Matthew Lillard, Diane Kruger 

Release Date September 3rd, 2004 

September 2nd, 2004 

When Josh Hartnett starred in Jerry Bruckheimer’s awful blockbuster Pearl Harbor, his next-big-thing status was just hitting its stride. Then, his first solo starring gig, 40 Days and 40 Nights tanked. Then his shot at action stardom opposite Harrison Ford in Hollywood Homicide also failed. Suddenly the next big thing was next to nothing.

That may explain why the film Wicker Park, a once highly buzzed about remake of a French movie called L’Appartement, ended up in the September waste bin. It is quite a shame that MGM has chosen to give up on this film because it’s really not that bad.

A plot description for Wicker Park is a bit of a minefield. There are a number of important twists and turns that are better left unmentioned. What can I tell you without giving anything away? Well, Josh Hartnett stars as Matthew, a dour young ad exec who has just moved back to his old Chicago neighborhood, the artist enclave Wicker Park. Two years earlier Matthew moved to New York to escape the memories of a lost love.

Her name was Lisa (Diane Kruger) and it seemed like they would be together forever. Then out of the blue, right after he asked her to move in with him, she vanished. No note, no phone call, no explanation whatsoever. Despondent, he took the gig in New York and disappeared himself.

Now back in Chicago, Matt has reconnected with his old friend Lucas (Matthew Lillard), thanks to a chance meeting on the street while Lucas was leaving lunch with his girl, Alex. Alex has a mysterious connection to Matt that is one of the film’s more intriguing plot points. Later, as Matt is having dinner with his new fiancé Rebecca (Jessica Pare), he thinks that he saw Lisa leaving the restaurant, a sight that sends him into a tailspin and effects everyone he knows.

Director Paul McGuigan and writer Brandon Boyce, adapting the original French screenplay by Gilles Mimouni, have crafted a dense, often confusing story of lost love, manipulation and heartbreak. Step away from the movie at the end and you realize that this twist filled story has a rather thin plot. The film uses many flashbacks, often covering the same scene more than once. This use of flashbacks tends to confuse the film’s timeline and leave the audience playing catch-up.

However, as confusing as this film can be it’s also surprisingly engaging. Hartnett in particular does a tremendous job of drawing in the audience, gaining our sympathy and delivering in the big emotional moments. He is well matched with Kruger (whose face launched a thousand ships in Troy) with whom he has a terrific chemistry. Matthew Lillard is quite a surprise in a strong supporting role in which he drops his usual obnoxious posing in favor of real acting.

Lillard does not spark with Rose Byrne’s Alex but he’s not necessarily supposed to. Alex is the most complicated character in the film and also the most difficult to describe without giving something away. I can say that Byrne, who had a walk on in Troy with Diane Kruger, does what she can with this difficult role. If she did not succeed it’s likely because of how the character is written as opposed to her performance.

McGuigan, whose previous film was the underrated The Reckoning, does a fantastic job of disguising this paper-thin plot. His film style evokes a Eurpoean aesthetic, a likely nod to the film’s French roots. From its color palettes to its somber mood, it is very easy to imagine Wicker Park set in the classic French traditions of sidewalk cafes and disaffected artists. The script includes a quick nod to the Italian master Fellini, who also knew a little something about making the most of a thin plot.

Wicker Park is a stylish, well-acted romantic drama the likes of which we rarely see anymore. Yes, the plot is thin and becomes quite obviously so after you leave the theater but the good in Wicker Park far outweighs the bad. What makes it work is Hartnett in what could have been a comeback performance if MGM hadn’t decided to give up on it. What a shame to have your career best performance in a film so few people will see.

Movie Review: Without a Paddle

Without a Paddle (2004) 

Directed by Steven Brill 

Written by Jay Leggett, Mitch Rouse 

Starring Seth Green, Matthew Lillard, Dax Shepard, Ethan Suplee, Burt Reynolds 

Release Date August 20th, 2004

Published August 19th, 2004 

Despite what many screenwriters will tell you, writing a screenplay is not that hard. Not hard at all if you're not interested in writing a good script. Simply follow the formula used by the writers of Without A Paddle: take three successful films, say City Slickers, Road Trip, and Deliverance, extract the most basic elements from each, and combine them into your movie. Be sure to read Screenplay Writing for Dummies to fill out your screenplay into the proper salable length and you’re done.

Without A Paddle stars Matthew Lillard, Dax Shepard, and Seth Green as three childhood buddies confronting life as adults after a friend’s death. Lillard is Jerry, a computer programmer who hates his job and can't decide whether or not to settle down with his girlfriend; for you screenwriters looking for character development shorthand, Jerry is a surfer with all of the stereotypical attributes of a surfer to fill out his character. That saves you having to write him witty dialogue or anything that might resemble an interesting character; he is a placeholder for a stereotype.

Dax Shepard is Tom, a part-time criminal, gambler, and full time ladies man. Again, a little screenwriter shorthand, the writers here use other characters’ conversations to establish Tom's colorful background (prison stays, casino trips, orgies). This is helpful because now you don't have to write the character anything interesting to do, simply tell the audience he is wacky and you’re done. Tom is a placeholder for a backstory far more interesting than the character that is written.

Finally, there is Seth Green as Dan, a doctor ,and by far the most successful of the three friends. Now, screenwriters, pay attention to the Dan character because he is an example of a modern comic rule that states that any comedy with more than one male lead must have one of those male leads be super-neurotic. Establish various fears and phobias and then add the nerd accouterments, asthma inhaler, pocket protector, bad glasses and a general fear of women. Again, you save yourself having to write an interesting, funny character.

The plot finds our intrepid trio paying tribute to their dead buddy by taking the canoe trip they had always dreamed of. The trip is special because it involves searching for the lost loot of D. B Cooper, the urban legend who robbed passengers on an airplane and leaped from the plane at an altitude that could only have killed him. It is an intriguing legend -- neither his body nor his loot have never been found -- that has inspired more than one film. If only it had inspired a better film than this.

From there, the boys head for the backwoods of Oregon where they quickly lose their way while fighting off a bear, a crooked sheriff and a pair of redneck dope dealers played by Abe Benrubi and Ethan Suplee. Both Suplee and Benrubi have seen better days. Also on the trip the guys commune with a pair of nutty environmentalist chicks and a backwoodsman played by Burt Reynolds who may hold the key to the Cooper legend.

One rather unique problem in Without A Paddle is one I mentioned briefly earlier in this review and that is the back stories given to key characters. Both the dead friend Billy and Dax Shepard's Tom have back stories that are way more interesting than the story we are forced to watch. Billy has climbed Everest, dated supermodels, and rafted the most difficult rapids in the world. Tom has been in and out of prison with all sorts of oddball encounters with criminals, scam artists, and beautiful woman. We see almost none of that and instead are treated to a very mundane road movie.

Mundane is a rather kind description for a film made by guys who think it's funny to have Burt Reynolds in their movie. Not that they have written anything funny for Mr. Reynolds, they just think that Burt Reynolds is funny. Is it kitsch? Is it ironic in some way? I have no idea and I doubt that poor Mr. Reynolds knows either, or cares as long as the check clears. Reynolds long ago surrendered his likeness to parody and now only acts for the dollars.

We should not be surprised that such a hack movie would be Directed by Steven "Adam Sandler's bitch" Brill. Brill was lenser on both Mr. Deeds and Little Nicky as well as the wretched Disney kids flick Heavyweights with Ben Stiller. Brill may have actually written the book Screenplay Writing for Dummies, he wrote Little Nicky as well as the wrestling comedy (tragedy?) Ready To Rumble and two Mighty Ducks movies. To his defense, however, he is not credited on Without A Paddle; that dubious honor goes to TV veterans Mitch Rouse and Jay Leggett.

The three leads Lillard, Shepard, and Green don't do themselves any favors but they don't embarrass themselves. Lillard, to his credit, is becoming less and less abrasive and off-putting with each role. Green will always have a place as a second or third banana and he will always have endless goodwill for his voicework on TV's Family Guy. As for Shepard, the former Punk'd star, he has a little charm. I like how he bites into a punchline but he never had a chance with this poorly written role. Based on this it's difficult to pass any kind of judgment on Dax Shepard.

I must admit that I laughed during Without A Paddle more than once. However it was mostly a reflex action from remembering funnier jokes from Road Trip or City Slickers and one quick reference that a character makes to Ned Beatty's moment of truth in Deliverance. This film is a perfect example of the kind of assembly line comedy that Hollywood executives excel at making. It's relatively inoffensive, not entirely inept but utterly unmemorable comedy that you will forget as soon as the credits roll.

Movie Review Scooby Doo

Scooby Doo (2002) 

Directed by Raja Gosnell

Written by James Gunn 

Starring Freddie Prinze Jr., Sarah Michelle Geller, Linda Cardellini, Matthew Lillard, Rowan Atkinson

Release Date June 14th, 2002

Published June 14th, 2002 

I came into this review all set to bemoan art in films, Hollywood's lack of creativity and why producers can't find original projects and so on. Then I saw the movie, and while I could still complain about all of those things, I have to be honest and say on some level I enjoyed this product of Hollywood's inability to be original.

As the story begins, we join our heroes Fred (Freddie Prinze of Darkness), Daphne (Sarah Buffy Geller), Velma(Linda Cardellini), Shaggy (Matthew Lillard) and the most famous Great Dane in the world, Scooby Doo. After doing battle with a ghost in Pamela Anderson's toy factory (yes that Pamela Anderson), the gang unmasks a janitor posing as a ghost. Another case solved by mystery Inc., except when approached by the press, Fred takes all the credit. Velma gets upset and quits, so does Daphne, and the gang is no more.

Two years later, Scooby and Shaggy are living in the Mystery Machine when they are approached by a messenger offering them money and all they can eat if they will come to the Spooky Island amusement park and solve a mystery. Fred, Velma and Daphne have also received invites and the gang is reunited. The film is as simplistic as its setup, with simple messages about friendship and teamwork that are aimed at the preschool audience. There are a couple of good chuckles for adults, such as subtle references to Shaggy's pot smoking and numerous send-ups of the cartoons classic setups.

The casting is pretty bad save for Matthew Lillard who was the perfect choice for Shaggy. He provides most of the film’s best laughs with his physical humor. Freddy Prinze Jr., to criticize him would be pointless so I'll move on. Linda Cardillini as Velma seems uncomfortable throughout the film struggling to ape the cartoon voice and manner of her cartoon counterpart. Sarah Michele Gellar as Daphne may have seemed like a good choice but after performing as long as she has on TV's best show (personal opinion) she looked bored by this material that is obviously beneath her. 

The CGI Scooby turned out surprisingly well. After the first trailer I thought he was going to look creepy. In the film, however, Scooby is well realized and the actors do a good job playing against a character that wasn't really there. Lillard had the most scenes opposite Scooby and he does a great job, it was probably easy for him, after working so often with Freddie Prinze he is used to talking to vacant spaces. I know, cheap shots.

One of the charms of the Hanna Barbera cartoon was that every episode was exactly the same. The film version does a good job at sending up those setups while still living into them. But don't be mistaken, Scooby Doo is a kid’s movie. It's meant for those between the ages of 3 and 12. And on that level Scooby is a partial success

Movie Review Scream

Scream (1996)

Directed by Wes Craven

Written by Kevin Williamson 

Starring Neve Campbell, Skeet Ulrich, Drew Barrymore, Matthew Lillard, Courtney Cox, David Arquette

Release Date December 26th, 1996

Published December 25th, 2016

“This is life, it’s not a movie” says Sidney. “Sure it is Sid, it’s all one great big movie… you just don’t get to pick your genre” says Billy. Neve Campbell and Skeet Ulrich in the 1996 horror classic "Scream."

It's a Scream, Baby 

The quote above is a nod toward what made the original "Scream" such a…. well, a scream back in 1996. Wes Craven and writer Kevin Williamson’s acute study of how much movies have become part of everyday American life; and especially aware of the horror film’s place in the lives of the teens who are it’s core audience.

Casey Becker is the picture of white, suburban safety in the unspoiled splendor of upper middle class home when she receives an increasingly disturbing series of phone calls. The calls are coming from a man who wants to play a game. Casey will answer trivia questions about horror movies and whether or not she gets them right, she will be a horror movie victim.

A nod to Hitchcock 

This is the prologue to "Scream," a 13 minute mini-movie featuring a major movie star. Director Wes Craven ingeniously cast Drew Barrymore, just on the cusp of her comeback after years of personal troubles following her too much too soon rise to fame in her childhood.

Barrymore is cast in homage to Hitchcock’s use of Janet Leigh in "Psycho." Moviegoers in 1960 were blown away when Leigh was murdered half way into "Psycho" leaving the movie bereft of its star. In a nod to our growing culture of A.D.D, Wes Craven eliminated his star before the opening credits rolled.

Big breasted bimbos who run up the stairs when they should run out the front door

That’s just the beginning of the genius of "Scream" which turn horror movie conventions on their ear by allowing characters to be hyper-aware of said conventions and then almost comically at a loss when they are unable to escape the same fate as the characters they so richly mock.

Neve Campbell takes over for Barrymore as the star of "Scream" playing Sidney Prescott who, it just so happens, lost her mother to a brutal murder almost a year to the day that Casey Becker was murdered. Now, with the anniversary approaching, Sidney finds herself the target of a killer as the same masked man who tortured and murdered Casey sets his sights on Sidney.

A cast that is a cut above 

Campbell is exceptional in the role of Sidney combining virginal innocence with Jamie Lee Curtis’s flair for dramatics. Also well cast are Courtney Cox as an uber-bitch journalist, Rose McGowan as Tatum, Sidney’s protective best friend and David Arquette as Tatum’s doofusy brother Dewey, a police officer who never really acts like much of a police officer.

The suspects in "Scream" are equally well cast. There is the ultra-creepy Skeet Ulrich as Sidney’s boyfriend whose suspect timing makes him a prime suspect early on. Matthew Lillard as Tatum’s maladjusted boyfriend with a tendency for enjoying all of the carnage a little too much and, finally, there is Jamie Kennedy as Randy, the pseudo-narrator of the film. Randy is a movie nerd who works at a video store and knows all of the rules for surviving a horror movie.

Scream is actually scary 

All of these tremendously well cast roles combine with a terrific script and Wes Craven's ingenious direction to deliver darkly humorous moments of self awareness and honest to goodness frights that honor the best of the horror genre. Yes, "Scream" is something of a send up but when things get bloody, the laughs are replaced by very strong horror movie tensions.