Movie Review: Epic Movie

Epic Movie (2007) 

Directed by Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer 

Written by Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer 

Starring Kal Penn, Adam Campbell, Jennifer Coolidge, Jayma Mayes, Crispin Glover 

Release Date January 26th, 2007

Published January 27th, 2007

One movie parody after the next gets worse and worse. Further and further the movies spawned by the success of Scary Movie go from humorous parody to a patchwork of drunken movie karaoke where actors stumble about plots from some of our favorite movies of the decade; missing the beats and never finding the rhythm.

Date Movie was thought to be the nadir of this genre. Sadly, two of the producers of Scary Movie managed to lower the depths and make a movie parody even worse. Epic Movie is an example of how you can dig to the bottom of the barrel and still go lower, if you just lift up the barrel and keep digging, straight to the sewer.

Epic Movie charts an unusual course. Four characters are each initially trapped in their own parody. Edward (Kal Penn) is trapped in a dull facsimile of the orphanage from Nacho Libre, a good movie that really stretches the definition of an 'epic movie'. Peter (Adam Campbell) is locked in the school for mutants from the X-Men movies. Lucy (Jayma Mayes) is escaping a knockoff of The Da Vinci Code and Susan (Faune A. Chambers) is stuck with a parody of Snakes On A Plane.

I say parody only because there is nothing else to call these scenes. Parody, unfortunately, implies that these scenes have a humorous sense about them. They do not. The "parody" of Epic Movie simply calls for the re-enactment of scenes from popular films augmented by bathroom humor, crotch kicking and dull slapstick.

Eventually, these four characters find each other in a Willy Wonka knock-off that leads to a Chronicles of Narnia knock-off and bad copies of Pirates of the Carribean, Borat and the MTV shows Punk'd and Cribs which were timely in, say; 2005. That is one of a myriad of problems with movies like Epic Movie. Our culture moves so quickly that often by the time they are able to finish these cheap reprises, the culture has already moved on to other things. The cribs satire is especially forgetting and tortured.

The comedy of Epic Movie is non-existent, unless you take pleasure in watching likable actors pissing their careers away. Kal Penn, so likable in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, is Epic Movie's biggest victim. With his role on TV's 24 and what I'm sure he hopes is his breakthrough as a dramatic actor in Mira Nair's upcoming The Namesake coming later this year, Penn looked set for stardom. However, after watching him piss down his leg in Epic Movie, how can I possibly take him seriously.

Fred Willard, Jennifer Coolidge and David Carradine all get caught up in the slime of picking up a paycheck for this awful mess of a movie. These terrific actors don't embarrass themselves to degrees that will matter but they should not highlight this one on their resume. Crispin Glover and Darrell Hammond are lucky that they are buried under pounds of makeup for their roles, leaving them almost unrecognizable. For their sake I will leave their parody identities out of this review.

It's difficult to describe just how bad Epic Movie is. I could easily claim that the film is an early candidate for worst movie of the year but, god help me, I hope I don't remember this movie that long. What is worse is that I know the film will do well enough at the box office that yet another should follow this time next year like some kind of annual curse.

At least by then maybe the stench of Epic Movie will have waned.

Movie Review: Willard

Willard (2003) 

Directed by Glen Morgan 

Written by Glen Morgan 

Starring Crispin Glover, Laura Elena Herring R. Lee Ermey

Release Date March 14th, 2003 

Published March 14th, 2003 

Years ago, Dennis Miller joked that Arab-Israeli peace agreements are about as stable as Crispin Glover. I didn't get the reference at the time but a friend explained that it stemmed from a rather vivid crack up Glover performed in one of his films. After watching Glover's latest film, the rat-filled Willard, I really get the joke.

In Willard, Glover is the titular Willard Stiles. He’s a shy, to the point of aberration, bookish desk jockey at a company once owned by his late father. The company is now run by his father’s ex-partner Mr. Smith (R. Lee Ermey), an evil tyrant who makes a habit of humiliating Willard. Things aren't much better for Willard at home where his rattled mother (Jackie Burroughs) monitors his every move. Constantly nosy and critical, it's not hard to imagine why Willard is so self-hating. And to top it all off Willard has a serious rat infestation in his basement. At first Willard attempts to get rid of the rats but they are a little too clever for his traps. Then Willard captures a little white rat, but rather than get rid of it he forms a bond with the rodent and names him Socrates.

Socrates is Willard's only friend, though a new co-worker played by Mulholland Drive's Laura Elena Herring has, for some unknown reason, taken an interest in Willard. Unfortunately, Willard is too socially retarded to return her interest, preferring instead to bond with Socrates and his rat buddies who are beginning to fill the basement to capacity. One of the rats is a monster that Willard dubs Big Ben. Now of course Ben is just a rat, but because he is so freakishly large the rat communicates a menace that is well played for comedy and horror.

Though things are getting crowded and the rats are coming out of the basement, especially Big Ben, Willard puts up with it and begins training the rats to do his bidding. The rat’s first order of business is to help Willard get revenge on his boss by eating the tires on the boss’s car. From there however, Willard begins to lose control of his little friends and after they start killing, Willard must figure a way to get rid of the rats without becoming dinner himself.

Willard is as you may already know a remake of a 1971 horror cult classic starring Bruce Davison, referenced in this film as Willard's dad. Whether that classifies this film as a sequel or not, I'm not sure. There are reasons to believe it may have been merely an homage to the original by Director Glenn Morgan and partner James Wong. This version of Willard retains the lead character’s name and the names of the originals “lead rats.”

The special effects in Willard are not bad, a mixture of CGI and animatronics makes for effectively creepy looking rodents. Director Glen Morgan seems to have gone to painstaking lengths to make the rats as realistic-looking as possible, including covering the floors with rat droppings for yet another realistic touch.

Ultimately, I didn't get what I was looking for from Willard. I knew going in that it wasn't necessarily a horror film, with many reviews calling it a horror comedy. However the film delivers only a few laughs and fewer scares. I was hoping for a sort of campy cult classic along the lines of the original Willard and it's oddball sequel Ben. Sadly, only a couple of scenes effectively capture that camp mood. One scene with an unfortunate cat that gets dumped in Willard's house is made over-the-top-hilarious by the soundtrack’s employment of Michael Jackson's unbelievably weird tune “Ben.” That scene provides the film’s only solid laughs, unless of course you’re a big fan of cats.

The filmmakers were smart to cast Glover who's skittishness and creepy Goth look plays perfectly against the film’s dark backgrounds. Glover has the look of porcelain in a kiln on the verge of exploding. Unfortunately, the film never establishes a tone or a direction. It's not scary or funny and it's not much of a thriller either. Props to the creators for actually garnering my sympathy for a rat. Willard's favorite, Socrates, is cute and I was surprised to care when he was in danger.

Morgan and Wong, former X-Files producers, and the twisted minds behind the original and far superior Final Destination, never seem to find the tone they were searching for which leaves the film aimless and unfulfilled. It's a shame because I wanted to like this film.