Movie Review Into the Blue

Into the Blue (2005) 

Directed by John Stockwell 

Written by Matt Johnson 

Starring Jessica Alba, Paul Walker, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott 

Release Date September 30th, 2005

Published September 30th, 2005 

1977's The Deep was a crowd pleasing beach thriller that evoked enough of the Jaws vibe from one year earlier to become a hit in its own right. With of-the-moment stars Nick Nolte and Jaqueline Bisset, the film captured the temporary zeitgeist of its time. Into The Blue remakes The Deep with an equally hot star, Jessica Alba, but none of the culture-capturing zeitgeist of the original, unless you count the uncomfortable evocations of the Natalee Holloway case.

Leaving out such unintentional issues, Into The Blue is a surprisingly pleasing babes-in-bikinis thriller.

While it's clear that Jessica Alba is the real draw of Into The Blue, the star according to billing and screen time is Paul 'Sleep' Sleepwalker.  I like to call Paul that for his amazing ability to sleepwalk through any role given to him, no matter how action-packed. 'Sleep' plays Jared, a part time scuba instructor with ambitions to get into the salvage business. Living in Jamaica with his girlfriend Sam (Alba), Jared searches fruitlessly for buried wrecks that could be worth millions.

Arriving just in time to help Jared and Sam with a particularly big score is Jared's little brother Bryce (Scott Caan) and his girlfriend of about five minutes, Amanda (Ashley Scott). The four set out in a borrowed boat and discover a wreck that may be the remains of a famous ship called the Zephyr that was believed to have sank carrying millions in gold bars. All our crew has to do is set the claim, identify the wreck and the salvage is theirs. If only it were that easy.

Unfortunately, just less than 100 feet away is the wreck of an airplane filled with millions of dollars worth of cocaine. If they call the cops it's guaranteed to cost them their wreck site. The only option is to try to claim the salvage before the cops, or worse, the drug dealers searching for their lost product, find the missing plane.

My description is slightly more straightforward than what is actually in the film. Director John Stockwell and writer Matt Johnston convolute the whole thing with characters making seriously stupid mistakes that are necessary to introduce the thriller aspect of the story. If these characters had a lick of sense we would have a nice looking movie about underwater salvaging.  That said, there must be a way to bring the bad guys and the thriller aspects into the film without making the lead characters out to be complete dolts.

Director John Stockwell has a talent for working with women in bikinis, as he showed in 2002's Blue Crush and 2001's Crazy/Beautiful, and he shows that talent again in Into The Blue. Jessica Alba is electric even as she plays the put-upon girlfriend forced to carry 'Sleep''s performance. Much of the focus on her work is on her amazing physical assets, but you cannot deny that she can act as well as fill out a bikini.

'Sleep' does not exactly set the screen on fire with his charisma, but his frat boy charms are a good fit for the goofy plot. Walker and Scott Caan work well together in the way two good buddies on a fishing trip work together. The brotherly connection is unforced and easygoing, but both performances stretch credulity when the plot requires a melodramatic confrontation. Neither actor is likely to get an oscar nomination anytime soon but in this doofus plot they are right at home.

The most impressive thing about Into The Blue may be the gorgeous underwater photography. The cool blue Jamaican waters are inviting even with the large number of sharks swimming by. Peter Zuccharini handled the underwater shooting in Into The Blue and he does some astonishing work. Some of the underwater shots are so pristine, especially the loving underwater closeups of Jessica Alba, that you can forget about the ridiculousness of the plot.

From the standard of a solid action-thriller, Into The Blue is way too happy to be taken seriously. However there is much to enjoy here if you are willing to let a few things slide. Into The Blue delights in its own ridiculousness.  From the buried treasure to the cliched drug dealers and the over-the-top heavy performance of Josh Brolin as a rival treasure hunter, the film has a "so bad it's good" vibe.

As I stated before, the film is beautiful to look at, and I'm not just talking about Jessica Alba. I'm talking Jessica Alba in a bikini..... oh and the locations are great too I guess to accompany the phenomenal underwater photography. Another critic, I believe it was James Berardinelli, said if you could turn the sound down and simply observe Into The Blue it would be a far better experience.  He's not entirely wrong.

From the looks of his resume one might wonder if director John Stockwell directs simply for the vacation he receives during shooting. Consider his Crazy/Beautiful, shot and set in Malibu, and Blue Crush in Hawaii. Now Stockwell relaxes in Jamaica with Into The Blue and his next picture due in 2006, Turistas, is currently scouting locations in the rainforests of Brazil. Apparently this directing gig is pretty sweet.

So just who is the audience for Into The Blue?  Teenage boys, to be sure, and anyone who enjoys watching beautiful people frolic in crystal blue waters thousands of miles away. It's not, however, for movie fans of a more discerning taste. The film is not particularly smart and its rote plot grates on the intellect. If you can turn down the sound in your own mind and shut off your brain for ninety minutes, though, you may just find a kitschy thrill in Into The Blue.

Essay Hollywood Sex and Violence Link (2006)

In 2006, in the wake of the release of A History of Violence and Sin City, I wrote about how Hollywood movies linked sex and violence. This is that essay recovered from an old MySpace blog... 

FYI This post contains what you might call spoilers for the plot of the film A History of Violence. If you wish to watch that film with the mystery in place do not read until after you watch the film. Happy reading and please post your responses.

One unique trend in modern film is the link between sex and violence. In horror films and thrillers these two disparate acts are now often found at a crossroad. In horror films sex is often punished with a bloody violent death, see Friday the 13th as an example. Sexuality or sensuality is similarly punished, consider films like Slumber Party Massacre (not exactly a brilliant subject of serious discourse but follow me here) where beautiful woman are brutally and viciously murdered for the simple fact that they are beautiful. The camera spends ample time exploiting the beauty of the women in the film with copious nude scenes and scenes of woman in various states of undress. And then the film sets about destroying that beauty with hardcore violence.

In the thriller genre take an example like Steven Speilberg's Munich which transposes a scene of a husband making love to his wife, a reunion after a long absence by the husband who has been compromising his morals out of duty to his country. The conflicted husband cannot escape thoughts of horrific violence as he is going about the loving act of intercourse with his wife. The sex scene is edited to a chorus violent images of Israeli athletes being brutally killed.What is the purpose of the sex and violence link in Munich? I believe it was the demonstration of the husband's conflicted conscience. On the one hand he is engaged in a pure act of love. On the other he cannot escape the horror of the violence he has been set to avenge. He cannot escape the horror of violence even as he is experiencing the ultimate in pure human goodness and joy.

In Sin City sex and violence are uniquely linked by the prostitutes of Sin City. Led by Rosario Dawson's character the prostitutes are unlikely representations of justice and righteousness. They mete out the punishment of corruption with violence and reward perceived goodness with sexual favors. Thus, Michael Clark Duncan's corrupt detective is punished with violence while Mickey Rourke's Marv is rewarded for his good intentions with the sexual favors of Goldie.

The innocent but oh so provocative sexuality of Jessica Alba's character is protected by the righteous violence of Bruce Willis' cop character. He would be rewarded with sexual favor if he were so inclined. Sex and violence are linked in Sin City in a cause and effect fashion. The good receive sexual favors the evil are punished with violence. All is right with the world.

In A History of Violence the sex violence link is a narrative function. The film features the extremes of both sex and violence. The films central action involves a pair of psychotically violent killers who are first glimpsed having murdered the staff of an anonymous roadside motel and a small child of one of the staffers. They come to the small town Indiana diner of Viggo Mortenson's Tom Stahl with the intent of more violence and are met with a viciously violent reaction from the seemingly mild mannered Mr. Stahl. The violence of this scene is extreme. Tom shoots one killer in the head sending him flailing through a plate glass window. Tom is graphically stabbed in the foot by the other killer who is then shot in the head by Tom. Director David Cronenberg gives us a closeup look at the damage of the bullet through the killer's skull in all of it's gory glory.

Meanwhile at home, prior to the violence at the center of the plot Tom makes love to his wife played by Mario Bello. The first sex scene is tender and loving but with more than a little hint of kink. Tom's wife has chosen to dress as a cheerleader and the two role play as a high school couple entering their first sexual experiment. The sex then becomes more graphic as oral copulation becomes central to the scene before we fade to the next morning and the establishing of the films central plot. Oddly the first sex scene features no nudity. The only link between the sex and violence at this point is Tom. He is an attentive and gentle lover who later shows himself capable of terrific physical violence. This is central to the dichotomy that is Tom who is revealed to have a violent secret past.

The second sex scene takes place after further violence has established Tom as a dangerous figure. An argument between Tom and his wife becomes physical as Tom attempts to stop his wife from walking away from their argument. Tom grabs her forces her to the ground, they are fighting on the stares leading to their bedroom, she slaps and kicks to break away from him. He forces her beneath him. After seeming to subdue her the violent confrontation suddenly begins to become sexual. The wife becomes turned on as does Tom and the two engage in angry, violent sex right there on the staircase. The scene, I believe, demonstrates the wife's tacit acceptance of her husbands true nature. She is telling him at once that she is unhappy with his lie but accepts it and will eventually be able to put it behind her. It's a brilliant form of shorthand that eliminates the need for a merely melodramatic scene of a couple arguing.

None of what I've written however truly gets at the heart of the sex/violence link in modern film. I have demonstrated the link but not the reason. This is where you come in dear reader. What is your theory of why Hollywood has so directly linked sex and violence. Post your responses please.

Movie Review Spy Kids All the Time in the World

Spy Kids All The Time in the World (2011)

Directed by Robert Rodriguez

Written by Robert Rodriguez

Starring Jessica Alba, Joel McHale, Alexa Vega, Daryl Sabara, Rowan Blanchard, Mason Cook, Ricky Gervais

Release Date August 19th, 2011

Published August 21st, 2011 

When it comes to the fourth film in any franchise critical expectations are low and, generally, the movie lives down to those low expectations. Then, on occasion, there are movies like "Spy Kids: All the Time in the World" which exceeds expectations beyond all measure and becomes the most pleasant of surprises.

"Spy Kids: All the Time in the World," presented in 4D Aroma-Scope, more on that later, picks up eight years after the action of "Spy Kids 3D: Game Over." The Spy Kids program has been shuttered but the Organization of Super Spies is still in action with Agent Marissa Wilson (Jessica Alba) as the world's top super spy.

Though nine months pregnant and going into labor, Marissa still manages to chase down the evil mastermind Tick Tock (Jeremy Piven) before meeting her husband Wilbur (Joel McHale) and her step kids, Rebecca (Rowan Blanchard) and Cecil (Mason Cook) at the hospital for the birth of a baby girl. Cut to one year later, Marissa is retired and raising the baby while trying hard to connect with the resistant Rebecca and the more welcoming Cecil. Wilbur is now a TV star, host of "Wilbur Wilson: Spy Hunter," though he's never caught a spy and doesn't know that he's married to one.

Tick Tock has escaped with the help of a new mad baddie, The Timekeeper, who has set in motion a plan to speed up time. Soon, Marissa is reactivated to save the world and her step-kids are accidentally activated as the newest Spy Kids. With the help of their mechanical Spy Dog, Argonaut (voice of Ricky Gervais), and some gadgets courtesy of the original Spy Kid, Carmen Cortez (Alex Vega, all grown up), the kids soon become the only kids capable of saving the world.

Just when you think that Robert Rodriguez is cynically cashing in on the known property that is the "Spy Kids" franchise, he surprises you with a brand new, highly inventive, and completely fun new addition to the franchise. "Spy Kids 4" is surprisingly delightful with two terrific new Spy Kids and a game adult cast that both get the joke but go along for the ride just the same.

Ricky Gervais steals the movie as the voice of Argonaut, the Spy Dog. Gervais's constant quipping deflates any sense of importance that the world saving adventure might have and helps keep the light, airy, funny vibe from receding into perfunctory, childish action adventure and 3D explosions.

Gervais is matched scene for stolen scene by Mason Cook as Cecil. This kid is a real find, a terrific young physical comic with the deadpan timing of an old time comedian. Rowan Blanchard has the more complex and far less fun role of the more serious Spy Kid but she doesn't lack for fun, especially with her ingenious love of practical jokes that also happens to be a great asset as a Spy Kid.

So, what of the fourth dimension? Aroma-Scope is the gimmick du jour of "Spy Kids: All the Time in the World" and it is kind of fun. Fans attending "Spy Kids 4" will receive a card with eight numbers on it. Throughout the movie an onscreen prompt instructs when to scratch and sniff the numbers on the card. More often than not I smelled nothing but the cardboard card though there was the strong hint of what I believe was Lucky Charms on one of the numbers and, no surprise, a slightly foul scent on another.

Aroma-Scope is not going to catch on in a big way but for "Spy Kids: All the Time in the World" it is a cute gimmick in keeping with the overall cuteness of the movie. But, ``Spy Kids: All the Time in the World" is even more than merely cute; Robert Rodriguez also includes a healthy message in the movie about time spent with family.

"Spy Kids: All the Time in the World" is a cute, sweet, smart and very funny kid adventure that gives new and clever life to a franchise that had seemed to have run its course. In fact, "Spy Kids: All the Time in the World" is so good, I am ready for the Spy Kids' next adventure.

Movie Review Machete

Machete (2010) 

Directed by Robert Rodriguez

Written by Robert Rodriguez

Starring Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Robert De Niro, Lindsay Lohan

Release Date September 3rd, 2010 

Published September 4th, 2010

“Machete” is a film that is impervious to criticism. One cannot critique the filmmaking; it's supposed to be grungy and low budget to evoke its 70's influences. One cannot critique the acting, everyone in the film is supposed to be over the top and utterly ludicrous to match the unfortunate amateurs who played these roles back in the original Grindhouse days. You cannot criticize the storyline because really, what story is there? And since you are not supposed to treat any of this with seriousness as that would undermine the audacious, humorous homage to trash, one really can’t then take seriously anything in the film's take on the immigration issue?

“Machete” is basically Robert Rodriguez masturbating on screen. Yes, masturbation seems to be the foremost concern of “Machete” or rather director Robert Rodriguez who puts his deepest carnal desires on screen, revealing himself in both brave and disturbing fashion. Like his cohorts Eli Roth and Quentin Tarantino, Rodriguez gets off on guns and blood but unlike Roth and with slightly less awe than Tarantino, Rodriguez throws a few near naked girls in the mix.

Is it strange to watch a grown man put his teenage boy sex fantasies on screen? Oh yeah, a big part of me has absolutely no want to know what it is that gets Robert Rodriguez off. But, there is also a part of me that is sickly entertained because some of his fantasies, Ms. Alba in particular, are my fantasies as well. I, however, do not get off on violence the way Rodriguez does. I don't mind the skillful demonstration of violence on screen but the ways in which Rodriguez and his man/boy directing brethren enjoy the violence is disturbing and makes me worry a little for their collective mental health.

In a review of “Hostel” for another website years ago I wondered; if Eli Roth were not a filmmaker capable of demonstrating his sickest fantasies on screen would he have become a serial murderer? I have the same concerns with Mr. Rodriguez after watching “Machete” but to a slightly lesser extent.

The difference between the two is Rodriguez has an interest in women, even if only a puerile one, Mr. Roth only seems to enjoy torture, maiming and death. Dragging their mentor Mr. Tarantino into this conversation is unnecessary, his interest seems to be purely cinema and what his camera's eye is capable of, what the camera captures serves a very particular and highly cinematic vision. Rodriguez and Roth are teenage boys using the camera as a masturbatory device for their incurable twisted fantasies.

“Machete” boils down to a demonstration of what 13 year old Robert Rodriguez found on a VHS tape years ago and got off to. Whether it was Gordon Parks or Melvin Van Peebles, William Girdler (look him up, I did) or Arthur Marx, Rodriguez found tapes of Foxy Brown or Sweet Sweetback or Shaft and it got him off. Now he’s making the movies that get him off.

I’m not a prude, I have the same male urge for self gratification that every other red blooded American male has. I merely prefer to confine my fantasies to my bedroom. Mr. Rodriguez places his fantasies in giant multiplex theaters and I find that awkward and disturbing.

I mean, if this were a true homage to Grindhouse, one would have to stumble upon it in some woebegone, out of the way second hand shop. Not in the gleaming, popcorn scented world in which the theater next door is showing Toy Story 3. “Machete” belongs on a store shelf next to Faster Pussycat Kill Kill or anything by Herschel Gordon Lewis. There it could be discovered and passed around from friend to friend.

That’s my issue, that’s what has been nagging at me about “Machete.” Treating this like any other major movie release just feels wrong. It’s supposed to be underground where some teenager can dust it off, slip into his jacket pocket and steal it out of the store while the manager is helping a customer buy porn.

The kid should sneak “Machete” home, wait for his parents to go to bed and slip it in and enjoy it as it should be enjoyed. The next day he takes it to school and passes it from friend to friend until one of them gets caught with it and it spends the next decade in a school filing cabinet waiting to be rediscovered or sold at some teacher’s garage sale.

Placing “Machete” in theater taints the true experience. The bloody, gory, twisted violence, the childish over the top sex, simply does not belong in the same building where Jennifer Aniston is starring in The Switch. The milieu degrades and depraves the experience and makes “Machete” impossible to enjoy without feeling more than a little creepy and weird.

Movie Review: Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day (2010) 

Directed by Garry Marshall 

Written by Katherine Fugate 

Starring Jessica Alba, Patrick Dempsey, Anne Hathaway, Queen Latifah, Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner

Release Date February 12th, 2010

Published February 14th, 2010 

Garry Marshall, how do I loathe thee, let me count the ways. I have loathed every inch of film you have ever cut and print. Every word on the page of one of your scripts has been like a dagger in my chest. Your magnum opus Pretty Woman is one of the most loathsome, irresponsible and despicable fantasies ever crafted.

I still have nightmares of your attempt to make an S & M themed romantic comedy starring Dan Akroyd and Rosie O'Donnell. In all seriousness, which concentric circle of hell did you escape from? Mr. Marshall's latest bit of awfulness is arguably his most banal, rendered so by having so much star power you may be to blind to realize how you're being terrorized.

Valentine's Day is ostensibly about love and its many complications played out over the hallmark crafted Holiday. 20 or some odd number of characters each has an interconnected part to play in this series of failed single romantic comedies wrapped into one massive failure.

Among the glitterati to loan there sheen to Mr. Marshall's failed vision of comic romance are Ashton Kutcher as a flower shop owner and Jennifer Garner as, prepare for the surprising twist, the best friend he's always loved but didn't know it. He's just become engaged to Morley (Jessica Alba) who is carrying on an affair with her blackberry. Meanwhile the best friend is sleeping with a married man (Patrick Dempsey).

Don't worry, like all despicable married men in romantic comedies, he's leaving his fabulously wealthy wife and children to be with his poor school teacher mistress. I must say, I did marvel at Mr. Marshall's ability to cram that many well wrung clichés into one storyline.

There are several thousand other stars in Valentine's Day including Oscar winners (Julia Roberts, Shirley MacLaine), Oscar nominees (Anne Hathaway, Queen Latifah), TV stars (Eric Dane and Dempsey both from Grey's Anatomy, Kutcher and Topher Grace from That 70's Show) and even pop stars and Twilighters (Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner as the most vapid characters in an entirely vapid movie).

There are still countless other well known people in Valentine's Day but who really cares. At some point we in the audience belong to some weird version of Hollywood census takers, right down to the questions of demography as many characters are defined by their race in the most statistical of fashion. 

To count the ways that Valentine's Day is offensive would actually take longer than my list of reasons for hating director Garry Marshall. The film isn't merely a recycling dump of romantic clichés; it's also a garbage dump of racial and sexual stereotypes. Oh. And don't even ask about sex because despite the theme, sex is purely something that exists the night before Valentine's Day and not the day of. 

Ludicrously awful, Valentine's Day attempts to mask the odor of it's inanity with a traffic jam of celebrity. The pretty people wandering in and out of the 50 or so failed movies jammed into this one movie fails to distract from the sheer brainless insipidity of Valentine's Day.

Movie Review The Eye

The Eye (2003) 

Directed by David Moreau, Xavier Palud

Written by Sebastian Gutierrez

Starring Jessica Alba, Alessandro Nivola, Parker Posey

Release Date February 1st, 2008

Published February 3rd, 2008 

Growing slowly into her star power, Jessica Alba steps up to the solo lead role in the Japanese horror remake The Eye. Alba is hoping to find the same kind of mainstream success that Naomi Watts and Sarah Michele Geller found after each topped the box office in their respective remakes, The Ring and The Grudge. Alba has the advantage of having the best source material of the three, the original The Eye was a creeptastic freakout. The dumbed down American version, clipped for mass PG 13 consumption, fails to do justice to the source material but doesn't stink nearly as bad as The Ring or The Grudge, financial success never an indicator of artistic success.

Sydney Wells (Jessica Alba) has been blind since a childhood accident at the age of five. Now, more than 20 years later, her sight is going to be restored. A donar retina has been found and the surgery perfected to apply it and give her sight for the first time in decades. Unfortunately, with her new sight comes the visions and memories of the former owner of the eyes. According to scientific studies, there are documented cases of transplant patients who take on the personal habits of the people who donated to them. The case most cited is of a marathoner who received a donated liver from a smoker. After the surgery she started smoking.

Nevertheless, her sister Helen (Parker Posey) and her new doctor Paul Faulkner (Alessandro Nivola) both believe she is cracking up. Maybe she is but we believe her because we see everything she sees.

David Moreaux and Xavier Palud co-directed The Eye from Sebastian Gutierrez' watered down, PG 13 script. In typically sub-genre fashion Moreaux and Palud are pigs at the Hollywood trough, willingly dumbing down their work for the benefit of their bank accounts. Gee guys, why not just make another The Ring movie, or another The Grudge. We don't confuse audiences by challenging them too much. The Eye is close enough that the audience you think is rather pea brained anyway will get the close association with those other The.... horror flicks, but you don't want to confuse the children.

Kids 13 to 17 I understand that you are desperate for entertainment but the more you are willing to watch movies like The Grudge, The Ring and The Eye, the more Hollywood will make them. These producers really think you are stupid. And you aren't helping change that. You've seen the same movie, counting the Ring and Grudge sequels, 6 times now. Hollywood has given you PG-13 photocopies 6 times and you keep going back. It's the same with those awful spoof movies. When you throw away money on Meet The Epic Date Scary Movie, you give Hollywood the idea to make more of them.

Kids, you must stop this yourselves! Demand something different or they will continue to think you are stupid.

The Eye is not the worst of this genre, merely the latest. Jessica Alba continues to be an engaging presence but she needs to fire her agent for putting her in a series of bad movies meant solely to pad her bank account. Then again, that may be the only reason she got into the biz. Maybe she's just after the fat cash. She took that role in Fantastic Four despite obvious issues with those two awful scripts. She took the lead in Awake, a unique but flawed thriller from late last year. Now she stars in a Japanese horror remake and picks up a fat paycheck and little else.

If it's just about the money it makes sense. If however Ms. Alba is serious about her craft or about entertaining people, I hope she begins finding better roles. It's not that she lacks the talent to play better roles. Rather, she has simply chosen badly thus far in her career.

Movie Review Honey

Honey (2003) 

Directed by Billie Woodruff

Written by Kim Watson

Starring Jessica Alba, Mekhi Pfifer, Joy Bryan, Lil Romeo

Release Date December 5th, 2003 

Published December 6th, 2003 

The TV series Dark Angel is one of my all-time favorites. I videotaped each episode and now have them all on DVD. I stopped short of getting the barcode tattoo on the back of my neck; I'm a fan but I'm not crazy. That said, when I first saw the trailer for Honey I wasn't as excited to see Jessica Alba as I should have been, probably because I could see the film’s formula construction from a mile away. Poor inner city girl makes good leaves behind friends and family to find success and is burned before returning to her roots. Sadly, seeing the film confirmed my feelings.

Alba is Honey Daniels, a wannabe video dancer who dreams of shaking her stuff in hip-hop videos. For now, she subsists by working as a bartender, working part-time in a record store, and teaching hip-hop dancing at a community center run by her stock, disapproving mother (played by Lonette McKee.) Honey finally gets a shot at her dream when a music video director plucks her out of the club where she parties with her best friend Gina (a stunningly hot Joy Bryant).

The director is Michael Ellis (David Moscow), a smarmy white guy who acts the part of a stereotypical black person to ingratiate himself with the artists whose videos he directs. Honey is conveniently oblivious to the fact that Michael likes her for more than her dance steps. Honey may be distracted by the more attractive advances of a neighborhood barber named Chaz (Mekhi Phifer), who woos her with his integrity as much as with his charm.

Honey is also distracted by attempting to help a pair of inner-city youngsters, Benny (Rapper Lil’ Romeo) and his little brother Raymond (cute-as-a-button Zachary Williams). The kids are terrific little dancers who come from an abusive home and are skirting the edges of a drug-dealing gang. Honey hopes that getting them in a music video could help them stay straight but when she rebuffs the director’s advances, the video is called off and the kids are back on the street.

This story requires Moscow's video director to act immensely irrational in a role that is already beyond grating because of his gangsta posing. Just once, I would like to see this stock characterization reversed. This character accepts the rejection and becomes a supportive friend instead of an over-the-top mustache-twirling villain. Just once.

This formula is so familiar that even lines of dialogue can be recited by rote. Director Billie Woodruff (a former music video director) brings only better music to this formula. Directing as if the film were only a clothesline from which to hang a soundtrack album, Honey parades a number of well-known hip-hop artists past the camera for cameos. Blaque, Jadakiss and Ginuwine have unmemorable screen time, while Missy Elliot steals the movie with her two scenes that take up little more than five minutes on screen. I wouldn't mind seeing Missy get her own film.

For her part, Alba is, at the very least, very committed to her formula role. She infuses Honey with sweetness and tenderness that sells her character’s best qualities. However, when forced by the script, she becomes merely a pawn of the god-awful plot machinations. Her forced obliviousness to the director’s amorous advances are laughable, right up until she finally figures it out. Her romance with Phifer's Chaz is believable because both actors are attractive and look good together. Phifer is slumming big time with this lightweight material; his charisma and presence deserve a far better film.

This poor-kid-makes-good formula is as old as film itself, but has taken on a more insidious quality as Hollywood has moved into its pre-packaged, assembly-line era of filmmaking. Honey is the type of film that can be mass produced and recycled to endless degrees and has been. Sadly it will be again. As I love to point out, Honey is yet another Hollywood movie that had a poster before it had a script. God help us.

Movie Review: The Fantastic Four

Fantastic Four (2005) 

Directed by Tim Story 

Written by Michael France, Mark Frost 

Starring Chris Evans, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Ioan Gruffaud, Julian McMahon, Kerry Washington

Release Date July 8th, 2005 

Published July 7th, 2005 

What is it that those testosterone freaks from the gym say? Come hard or don't come at all? As overly aggressive as that sounds it's about setting a standard. When a film sub-genre features films as amazing as the two Spiderman movies, the original and new Batman flick and three X-Men movies any film that follows in that genre had, as they say, better come hard or not at all.

In the case of The Fantastic Four the 'not at all' would have been a better choice. Compared to it's superhero brethren Fantastic Four is an outright disaster. On it's own terms it has appeal to small children and the very, very forgiving amongst us. Unfortunately, I'm not all that forgiving.

Comic fans have been familiar with the powers of the Fantastic Four for nearly forty years. For the uninitiated, Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffaud) aka Mr. Fantastic, has the ability to stretch any part of his body. Sue Storm, (Jessica Alba) aka Invisible Girl, as her name implies, can become invisible. Sue's brother Johnny Storm, (Chris Evans) aka The Human Torch, can turn his entire body to flames and finally Ben Grimm, (Michael Chiklis) AKA The Thing, who's whole body is made of unbreakable rock.

The movie tells the origin story of the Fantastic Four as well as their arch nemesis Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon). On a space mission to investigate a mysterious energy field the Fantastic Four and the benefactor of the mission, Victor, are struck by this unique energy field and transformed into their fantastic forms.

Johnny Storm loves his new abilities; taking full advantage of his flammability to make a splash with the media. It is Johnny who gives the team nicknames and dubs them The Fantastic Four. Ben Grimm on the other hand cannot stand his rock formations which cost him his marriage and makes him the target of derision and eventually the police. Reed and Sue take a more scientific perspective as they seek ways to cure the mutations.

Victor Von Doom was also transformed and similar to Ben's rock; Victor is slowly turning to steel. At first he reacts like anyone would; using his billions of dollar to find a cure, but, then a case of movie evil sets in and Victor decides to be a world conquering super villain. When Victor uses his new steel form to control electricity and commit crimes only our fantastic heroes can stop him.

Director Tim Story and screenwriters Mark Frost, Michael France and Simon Kinberg remain mostly faithful to Stan Lee's origin story. In fact Tim Story even incorporates some of legendary comic artist Jack Kirby's visuals, such as a scene in which Ben Grimm stops a semi truck in it's tracks. The scene is shot from behind Ben with the truck coming straight for him and mimics a story board from the very first Fantastic Four comic.

The script also remains faithful to the family dynamic that Stan Lee established in the comics. Reed Richards with his graying temples and maturity is a natural father figure. Sue Storm is more of a de-facto mother character, she seems to young for the role but her romance with Reed makes it necessary. And of course Johnny and Ben with their childish rivalry are perfect bickering brothers. Lee mined this dynamic for humor not often found in the super hero genre.

The film however fails in it's few attempts at similar humor. The romance between Gruffaud and Alba is clumsy and fumbled and the rivalry between Johnny and Ben works only to make both seem oafish and imbecilic. Not helping matters is that each of the actors seems to be playing different beats. Gruffaud is impassive even when given a punch line while Alba just seems embarrassed. Michael Chiklis is playing a serious dramatic vibe which is at odds with the mildly ludicrous tone set by director Tim Story.

Something in Tim Story's direction amps up the comics least appealing aspects. The family humor of the comics was occasionally hokey as is much of the premise of the Fantastic Four. We accept it because of Lee's ability to make us care about these characters and Jack Kirby's exceptional drawings. Brought to physical life; the contrived nature of the comic is exposed by actors who seem unable to grasp the concept of their characters. The acting is far too serious and stern and thus remains humorless, that is except for Chris Evans as Johnny Storm.

Evans seems to be the only cast member having a good time with this material. He captures the goofy spirit and headstrong vitality of Johnny Storm. If the other actors had played a similar vibe Fantastic Four would be a whole lot more enjoyable.

Then there is Julian McMahon who chews the scenery like Jeremy Irons on a bender. To say that McMahon is over the top would be a grand understatement. McMahon plays Victor Von Doom like a silent film era villain, all grand impressive gesticulations and over pronounciations. He needs only a mustache to twirl to make this character a perfect parody.

A quick aside, did anyone else keep flashing back to Mallrats and wondering, like Brody, about whether Reed Richards could stretch his 'entire' body or if the Thing... well you know. It's horribly wrong, but one of the pleasures of a subpar movie is the invoked memories of far superior films. I will take the puerile Mallrats over the over amplified Fantastic Four any day.

I cannot deny that there is one really eye catching series of action scenes in Fantastic Four. The scenes set on the Brooklyn bridge where each of the Fantastic Four demonstrate their super powers for the first time, is a pretty terrific set of actions. Quickly edited, tautly paced, and well executed with CGI effects, these scenes demonstrate the unrealized potential of Fantastic Four.

One great series of scenes, however, are not nearly enough to rescue such a mess of a movie. Director Tim Story, who did a terrific job with the much smaller Barbershop; seems completely overwhelmed by the scope and scale of the Fantastic Four. With all the money and CGI he could ever need, Story fell into the trap of forgetting that his actors and his story need direction as much as his effects.

Fantastic Four demonstrates an opinion of mine that it takes a great director to bring the fantastic elements of a super hero movie to life. Sam Raimi and Spiderman, Bryan Singer and X-Men, Tim Burton and now Christopher Nolan with Batman. Tim Story is a good director but as Fantastic Four demonstrates he is not a great director.

Movie Review: Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer

Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) 

Directed by Tim Story 

Written by Don Payne, Mark Frost

Starring Chris Evans, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Ioan Gruffaud, Kerry Washington, Julian McMahon, Andre Braugher, Laurence Fishburne 

Release Date June 15th, 2007 

Published June 14th, 2007 

What is so disappointing about The Fantastic Four and the sequel Rise of the Silver Surfer is that director Tim Story shows a great talent for big time action scenes. The first film had a pair of impressive action and effects scenes that showed the potential of the series. Rise of the Silver Surfer builds on that with bigger and better effects, especially the stunningly rendered CG Surfer.

The big effects and big action act as unintentional commentary on the non-action, non-effects scenes. As great as the action is, the acting, dialogue and storytelling of Rise of the Silver Surfer are sloppy, slipshod and at times embarrassing.

As we rejoin the story of the Fantastic Four, Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffaud) AKA, Mr. Fantastic is about to wed Sue Storm (Jessica Alba) aka The Invisible Woman. Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) aka The Thing, is Reed's best man and Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) aka The Human Torch is walking his sister down the aisle. Well that was the plan but as the media circus swirls about; a bigger threat has hit the earth.

A silver alien on a surf board is disturbing the environment of the entire planet, creating giant holes all over world. Reed quickly discovers that this is not the first time the Silver Surfer has attacked a planet, his arrival has lead to the end of a planet within 8 days. With the Silver Surfer comes the arrival of a planet eating entity called Galactus.

To stop the Surfer and Galactus the Fantastic Four will have to team with their enemy, a fully recovered Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon) who was the first to make face to face contact with the Surfer. Naturally, Victor has designs on the Surfer's planet destroying powers.

In Rise of the Silver Surfer director Tim Story delivers pretty much the same results he delivered with the first Fantastic Four movie, big action and effects with ill-conceived character bits and shockingly dull witted dialogue. It's an odd result considering that Story came to the Fantastic franchise after directing the smart, funny, character driven comedy Barbershop.

The results become even more curious when you see the script credited to Mark Frost; the same Mark Frost who teamed with David Lynch to create the complicated, layered and slighly loopy Twin Peaks. The talented director and writer seem to never be on the same page in Rise of the Silver Surfer. Frost's twisted approach to the characters combines a fifties style earnest heroism with an attempt at being hip and modern and it fails rather miserably.

As for Tim Story, he directs as if unconcerned about the characters and their awkward, embarrassing moments. Story's sole concern is the action and effects and his attention to detail is really impressive on that front. The effects and action are as impressive as anything in Spiderman 3 or Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. The blockbuster comparisons end their however because where those blockbusters are as character driven as they are effects driven, Rise of the Silver Surfer is an effects only enterprise.

The Silver Surfer, voice of Laurence Fishburne, is a tremendously successful special effect. The CG creation is seamlessly integrated with the human cast to the point where the Surfer suffers as much as the real actors, this awful, awful script. Yes, the Silver Surfer is a bit of a letdown when he speaks, with his windy ethereal voice and vaguely menacing pronouncements. Still, as a special effect, as an example of how the world of CG technology has progressed; the Silver Surfer is among the most impressive things you will see at the movies this year.

As for the human cast of Fantastic Four, the same issues that plagued the first film continue to plague this film. Jessica Alba remains super hot but still miscast as the too young Sue Storm. Ioan Gruffaud continues to be a charisma free leading man noticeably uncomfortable as a comic book superhero. And Michael Chiklis; though he is physically perfect for the role of The Thing, his comic moments are as awkward as the punchlines he's supposed to deliver.

The only one who seems perfectly cast and comfortable with even the goofiest dialogue and most embarrassing attempts at humor and earnestness is Chris Evans. Achieving just the right mix of cheeseball self awareness and cocky attitude, Evans' Johnny Storm is the one character who makes something of this regrettable mess. It helps that Johnny is the only one of the four whose subplot has some juice.

When Johnny confronts the Surfer for the first time he has his molecules scramble to the point where if he touches one of the other Fantastics he switches powers with them. His impulsive nature and desperate need to get his power back leads to more trouble in conflicts against the Silver Surfer but, of course, when the time comes he gets to prove himself. In a terrific showdown with Victor Von Doom, Evans's Human Torch gets the biggest and best action moment of the movie.

The less said about Julian McMahon's fey Victor Von Doom the better. McMahon's performance is by far the most embarrassing of anyone.

The fact is that after a somewhat disappointing domestic launch for the original Fantastic Four many thought the series was through. Somehow the film managed to find a large international audience and the pot of gold proved to be enough to overcome the creative bankruptcy. How unfortunate that the creative bankruptcy continues and engulfs another potential franchise in Rise of the Silver Surfer.

Now, not one but two legendary Marvel comics are wrapped up in one mediocre movie franchise.

Movie Review Meet Bill

Meet Bill (2008) 

Directed by Bernie Goldman, Melisa Wallack 

Written by Melisa Wallack 

Starring Aaron Eckhardt, Timothy Olyphant, Logan Lerman, Jessica Alba, Elizabeth Banks

Release Date April 4th, 2008

Published July 10th, 2008 

The male midlife crisis has inspired many Hollywood writers. The twist in the new to DVD movie Meet Bill starring Aaron Eckhart is that it was written by a woman. Melisa Wallack wrote the script and was co-director of Meet Bill with veteran producer Bernie Goldmann and her gender doesn't really matter. Like most male midlife crisis movies Meet Bill has little to add in terms of any new insights from men, women or anyone else.

Living off of the wealth and generosity of his wife's family, Bill (Aaron Eckhart) has come to hate his life. With the stomach paunch that seemed to come out of nowhere and his lazy, floppy haircut; Bill looks as sloppy as he feels. At work he is a lackey and a joke as the guy whose job is to be the boss's son. At home, his wife Jess (Elizabeth Banks) is cheating on him with a local news talking head (Timothy Olyphant).

Bill's life changes for good when he is teamed with a teenager (Logan Lerman) who does what he wants when he wants. The kid, as Bill calls him, adopts Bill whether he likes it or not and soon Bill is living life the way he always wanted. As he decides what to do about his wife, the Kid introduces him to a lingerie shop clerk, Lucy (Jessica Alba), who becomes his friend and offers to help him with his marital issues.

The Jessica Alba subplot doesn't go where you think it will. In fact, like a couple of subplots in Meet Bill, it doesn't really go anywhere. Meet Bill is a movie filled with characters and actors who seem like they should be more important than they end up being. Alba is moved about the plot like nice looking furniture. Character actor extraordinaire Todd Louiso plays Bill's brother in law and despite a couple of awkward scenes he barely registers.

Craig Bierko plays Bill's brother and though he is given something of a back story, some kind local sports star or war hero or something, he is shown and shuffled off the mains stage with little notice. I like that the character is gay and that it doesn't seem to be any kind of issue, but it is yet another strand of plot that is left dangling in the end.

There is a certain charm to the fact that the movie Meet Bill is nearly as much of a shambles as Bill himself, but by the end, the film is an even bigger mess than Bill ever was. I had hoped the story would pull together the same way Bill the character seems to pull himself together but it never happens. Writer and co-director Melisa Wallick just doesn't know what to do with all of these characters she introduces and by the end she even loses her grip on Bill.

Even the history of the making and release of Meet Bill is a mess. A Canadian production, Meet Bill was briefly released in theaters and dumped. It made it onto the internet and now it arrives on DVD with little fanfare. Especially little fanfare considering a cast that includes Jessica Alba, Hitman star Timothy Olyphant, 40 Year Old Virgin star Banks and Eckhart who has been a well known presence in a number of movies and will soon be seen in the next Batman.

With a cast this big and talented the only way Meet Bill could fail this miserably is to stink up the joint. It did, so it failed.

Movie Review Good Luck Chuck

Good Luck Chuck (2007) 

Directed by Mark Helfrich 

Written by Josh Stolberg 

Starring Dane Cook, Jessica Alba, Dan Fogler 

Release Date September 21st, 2007 

Published September 20th, 2007 

The appeal of comedian Dane Cook has eluded me. I have nothing against the wildly popular comic, I just don't see what's so funny. His stand up repertoire seems to consist of wild, Jim Carrey like gesticulations used to sell underwhelming, punchless punchlines. His physicality is entertaining insofar as mimes trapped in that glass box are entertaining; but for my money, his act isn't all that funny. That's not even considering accusations that the unfunny jokes he tells are stolen from other comics. 

As for Cook's movie career, thus far, it's not quite as funny as his stand up career. His debut, in a starring role, in last fall's Employee Of The Month, was a bland, forgettable romantic comedy with the acting challenged Cook playing off the even more challenged Jessica Simpson. Now, for Cook's latest starring effort, after he tanked in a dramatic role opposite Kevin Costner in Mr. Brooks this past summer, Cook upgrades his romantic partner and still delivers a bland and forgettable effort. Starring opposite the endlessly appealing Jessica Alba, the appeal of Dane Cook continues to baffle the mind in Good Luck Chuck.

Charlie (Dane Cook) has never had trouble meeting women. Staying in a relationship however, has been mission impossible. The odd thing about the end of Charlie's relationships? His ex's always seem to marry the next guy they meet. It happens every time and women are beginning to take notice. A posting on the internet about Charlie the good luck charm turns the serially single Charlie into the most sought after stud in his area code.

Is this newfound appeal a blessing or a curse? Charlie's lecherous pal Stu (Dan Fogler) thinks it's the greatest thing ever. Charlie however, finds it to be a burden, especially when he meets Cam (Jessica Alba) who proves to be the girl of his dreams. Unfortunately, if the curse is real and he sleeps with her he could lose her forever; should she meet someone else.

That is a clean description of a plot that is in reality quite ugly and at times even mean spirited. Mark Helfrich, in his directorial debut, attempts to pull off what Judd Apatow and his creative team did with The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up. What is lacking is just about everything that made those two films so ingenious, daring and lovable.

Both Virgin and Knocked Up featured outlandish low humor that some might find off putting. Each film overcame that obstacle by giving the characters equal amounts of heart and humor to offset the raunch. Good Luck Chuck is mostly heartless with only one character we really give a damn about, Alba's Cam is an oasis in a desert of bad. Charlie, or Chuck from the title, isn't exactly detestable but there is very little appealing about him as he launches into a series of heartless sexual escapades to prove or disprove his curse.

The attempt to justify Chuck/Charlie's behavior by giving it the noble purpose of helping lonely girls take advantage of the curse to then meet their true love fails due to the film's vanity. All but two of Charlie's partners are models whose appearance in the film are not meant to propel this plot. Rather, they are used for the prurient purpose of having them get naked and keep the guys in the audience from nodding off.

The two other women, the ones who don't generally meet societal standards of beauty, are used as comic fodder in mean-spirited jokes at their expense. Only a movie as heartless as Good Luck Chuck could think that mocking these poor desperate characters could be a source of humor. An attempt to keep one of the encounters from being completely heartless and mean fails miserably and comes off not only mean but fake and insulting of both the character in question and those of us in the audience.

Dan Fogler is a Tony Award winning actor. I mention this because it kind of blows my mind. How can an actor be so successful in one medium and so remarkably unappealing and unfunny in a different medium. On stage, Fogler is a comic dynamo beloved by audiences. In movies, Fogler is an embarrassment, a remarkably unfunny presence. In his first starring role, the ping pong comedy, Balls of Fury, Fogler was utterly repellent. In good Luck Chuck, in a smaller, supporting role, he manages to somehow be even less appealing. 

As Stu, Charlie's misogynist best friend, Fogler is a breast obsessed plastic surgeon whose hobbies include masturbating into a grapefruit and worshiping the breast implants of Pamela Anderson which he purchased on Ebay. Why anyone thought this character was funny is beyond me. Jonah Hill portrayed a raunchy over the top character in Knocked Up but Hill did it with a charming and vulnerable quality that revealed how that character used vulgarity as a cover for insecurity. There is zero nuance in Fogler's performance in Good Luck Chuck, he's just a creep. 

Even as I was drifting out of Good Luck Chuck, when I wasn't actively being repulsed by it, I did see some moments where this story or this plot might have worked. Cut back on the prurience, strengthen the characters, and give more time to Jessica Alba's Cam, the only truly likable character in the film, and maybe you could rescue this movie from the garbage. That ship has sailed however and what we are left with is a mess of ugly misogyny, disturbing fetishes, and a lame and completely unbelievable  romance. 

Good Luck Chuck makes Adam Sandler's style of humor look good by comparison. 

Movie Review: The Love Guru

The Love Guru (2008) 

Directed by Marco Schnabel 

Written by Mike Myers, Graham Gordy 

Starring Mike Myers, Justin Timberlake, Romany Malco, Jessica Alba 

Release Date June 20th, 2008 

Published June 19th, 2008 

Memo to comedy writers and directors: Just because a character in a movie does a particular thing, does not make that thing funny. For example, in the new "comedy" The Love Guru co-written by and starring Mike Myers, just because Myers' Guru Pitka fights a man with a urine soaked mop and ends up hit in the face with said mop does not make the action of getting hit with a urine soaked mop funny.

The Love Guru operates entirely under the delusion of it's own brilliance. The Love Guru stars Mike Myers as the world's number 2 guru, behind Deepak Chopra, Guru Pitka is the character's name and Myers is as offensively caricaturing Indian culture as you imagine. The Love Guru proceeds from scene to scene making one joke about genitalia after another assuming each is funnier than the next because Myers himself seems so entertained by the joke.

One of the hallmarks of The Love Guru is Myers' enjoyment of his own humor. Guru Pitka is almost always the first to laugh at his own jokes and it isn't a stretch to imagine that Myers as well is the first to laugh at the jokes he wrote for himself. What accounts for a plot in The Love Guru involves a star hockey player, Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco), who stinks on ice after his wife, Prudence (Meagan Good), leaves him for a rival goalie, Jaques 'Le Coq' Grande (Justin Timberlake). Are you laughing yet? I know I wasn't. 

The Guru Pitka is hired by the owner of the hockey team, Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba), to try and reunite the hockey star with his lady love and by extension help him regain his ability to play hockey like the star he once was. Guru Pitka believes that if he he accomplishes the task of rescuing this hockey player's lost mojo, he will earn a coveted slot on the Oprah Winfrey show and a chance to surpass his nemesis Deepak Chopra as the world's number one guru.

You can call that a plot, I've gone to great effort to make it read like one for my own sake. In reality however, the film is really just a sloppy, irredeemable mess of penis jokes, poo jokes and other such lowbrow bits that are broken up briefly Myers' attempt to convince us that Guru Pitka could romance Jessica Alba. I would have a hard time believing Myers without this silly character would be able to date Jessica Alba, asking us to believe that she would be interested in Myers as this offensive caricature of a character is a disservice to both our intelligence and Ms. Alba's integrity. 

Do you know how I can tell Jessica Alba is a good actress, because she doesn't reflexively wretch when Myers is doing his shtick. That she can vaguely feign romantic interest in the character of Pitka is an acting feat that no actress could pull off. Alba is thoroughly defeated by the task but she gives it more of an effort than most would. Her professionalism is to be commended even it is unwarranted for this lowbrow awfulness. 

I realize that Vern Troyer considers Mike Myers his friend and that he's up for the kinds of gags Myers likes to do, but his casting here as the coach of the hockey team is a perfect example of what makes The Love Guru so awful. Myers thinks it is simply funny that a little person exists in the world. That's it, that's the joke for Mike Myers and my evidence is every joke related to Vern Troyer in The Love Guru. Myers simply thinks the existence of a man of Vern Troyer's size is funny and he gets away with it because Troyer willingly goes along with the gag and we've allowed Myers to get away with it. 

Idiotic to an ungodly degree, mindless and insulting, The Love Guru will rank among the years worst films of 2008.