Movie Review Safe Haven

Safe Haven (2013)

Directed by Lasse Hallstrom 

Written by Dana Stevens

Starring Julianne Hough, Josh Duhamel, Cobie Smulders, David Lyons

Release Date February 14th, 2013 

Published February 15th, 2013

I love "Safe Haven." I truly, love this Nicholas Sparks adapted romance starring Julianne Hough and Josh Duhamel. I just don't love it for the reasons that the filmmakers intended. "Safe Haven," directed by Oscar nominee Lasse Hallstom, has an ending that is so balls out goofy it turns an otherwise banal romantic thriller into one of the most gloriously cheeseball movies of all time.

A woman on the run

"Safe Haven" stars former "Dancing with the Stars" pro Julianne Hough as Katie, a woman on the run from a dangerous past. Flashbacks inform us that Katie may have murdered her abusive husband. We find Katie as she is boarding a bus that will eventually whisk her away to the idyllic paradise of Southport, North Carolina.

Southport is a town so small that no one bothers to do background checks or require a proof of ID before giving someone a job and renting them a home; what luck for a woman who may or may not be wanted for murder. Back in Katie's, not her real name mind you, home town in Boston a very determined and sweaty detective (David Lyons) is pulling out all the stops to track her down.

Of course there is a love story

Naturally, while Katie is trying to keep a low profile she will fall in love; this is a Nicholas Sparks adaptation after all. The love interest is Alex (Josh Duhamel), a widower with two adorable tots and an irresistible southern manner. He's smitten immediately but Katie needs a pushy neighbor named Jo (Cobie Smulders, "How I Met Your Mother") before she gives up her seclusion for romance.

For most of "Safe Haven" we are treated to boilerplate Nicholas Sparks romantic drama as Katie and Alex fall in love and Katie's past looms as the final act obstacle to their happily ever after. Then the final minutes of "Safe Haven" arrive and like a phoenix from the ashes of mediocrity "Safe Haven" arises to become an all time cornball classic; a true epic of cheesy badness.

No spoilers, I promise

I will not spoil the ending in this review because I want you to see it for yourself. I realize that this flies in the face of being a professional critic; recommending a bad movie, but I can't help myself; I love how bad this movie ends and I want to share it with you. The ending of "Safe Haven," for those who haven't read Sparks' novel, is joyous nonsense; a twist even M. Night Shyamalan would find contrived.

So wonderfully dumb is this ending that it took me nearly biting through my bottom lip to keep from bursting out in girlish giggles. Until the final 10 minutes, give or take a minute, I was ready to forget about "Safe Haven." Once the final credits began to roll however, I wanted to stand up and applaud and thank Lasse Hallstrom for the gift he's given to bad movie lovers everywhere.

"Safe Haven" is the first, and likely the only, must see bad movie of 2013.

Movie Review Life or Something Like It

Life or Something Like It (2002) 

Directed by Stephen Herek, 

Written by Dana Stevens

Starring Angelina Jolie, Edward Burns, Stockard Channing, Tony Shalhoub 

Release Date April 29th, 2002 

Published April 29th, 2002  

It seems there is a new Angelina Jolie story every week. Whether it's making out with her brother, entering into an ill-advised marriage or feuding with her celebrity father Jon Voight, Angelina Jolie can't do anything without making the papers. One is left to wonder, when will Jolie's movies become as notable as her personal life? Her latest work, Life or Something Like It, is another step in the wrong direction, a film only notable for the fact that it is worse than her last film.

Life finds Angelina Jolie under a poorly fitting blonde wig as Lanie Kerrigan, a TV features reporter at a Seattle TV station. Like any conventional movie character Lanie has it all, looks, money and a wealthy baseball star boyfriend. Indeed life is perfect, until her boss reteams her with her ex-boyfriend, a cameraman named Pete (Edward Burns). Lanie and Pete had some sort of previous relationship though the film is unclear about what exactly happened, we do know they don't like each other, which in movie parlance means they will end up together. (That, by the way, is not a spoiler. If you didn't know they were ending up together please purchase my book Romantic Comedies for Dummies).

Lanie and Pete argue and fight until they do a story about a street performer who some believe can tell the future. Tony Shalhoub plays Prophet Jack who tells Lanie she has only a week to live. Lanie does the only thing any rational person could do in that situation, she believes him. If a crazy homeless guy told you that you were going to die of course you would believe him, right?. From there the film devolves into your typical romantic comedy cliches without providing one original moment.

I can't say I was disappointed in Life Or Something Like It, going in I knew what I was seeing. I had hoped that an actress of Angelina Jolie's talent could provide a more interesting performance even in such a conventional romantic comedy. She doesn't. And what of Edward Burns, wasn't this guy supposed to be something special? Since his debut in the surprisingly good Brothers McMullan, Burns had been hailed as the next Woody Allen. He has yet to show the talent that was expected of him.

Director Stephen Herek, who's RockStar has become a guilty pleasure movie for me, returns to his genre safe work that helped ruin Eddie Murphy's career (Holy Man). Herek has the same lame crowd-pleasing instincts that mark the worst Hollywood hacks. Nothing challenging, nothing different, everything safely market tested for proper effectiveness. Honestly this kind of filmmaking turns my stomach.

Say what you will but I am tired of this cookie cutter Hollywood swill like Life Or Something Like It. I realize that not every film can be a genre buster but shouldn't every movie aspire to something other than just box office?