Classic Movie Review Rookie of the Year

Rookie of the Year (1993) 

Directed by Daniel Stern 

Written by Sam Harper 

Starring Thomas Ian Nicholas, Gary Busey, Amy Morton 

Release Date July 7th 1993

Published July 17th, 2023 

As a kid, the idea of a movie featuring my Chicago Cubs was golden. I loved it. I was incredibly happy to throw down money to watch a movie featuring Wrigley Field and a hint of the magic of the Major League Baseball that I was obsessed with. Rookie of the Year existed in a pantheon of movies like Back to the Future 3 and Taking Care of Business that made a joke of having my lovably losing Cubbies winning the World Series, something the team hadn't done since 1908. For a time, the Cubs were a go-to reference for anyone wanting to reference long term losing or a poignant dedication to thankless endeavor. 

Rookie of the Year however, was a little different. The earnestness of this family comedy had the Cubs winning the World Series not as an ironic joke but as a genuine moment of unexpected triumph. It's about the ultimate underdogs overcoming the odds to do the impossible in a way that was inspiring and not meant to mock, even as it takes an over-powered kid pitcher to make it happen. Rookie of the Year's nostalgic appeal has lingered for me for 30 years simply because of the fact that it wasn't made with the intent of mocking the idea that my favorite team might actually win. 

It can be hard to wipe the nostalgia out of your eyes and see something for what it really is. Sadly, for the Everyone's a Critic 1993 Podcast, I forced myself to do just that and what I found is that Rookie of the Year is as obnoxious and insufferable as any movie in the last 30 years. It gets a break because it has incredibly low ambitions, being a movie for very small children, but watching it as an adult was a miserable experience nonetheless. The charm of Rookie of the Year has, for me, completely worn off and curdled into a spoiled bit of nostalgia that I would very much like to forget. 

Rookie of the Year stars toothy 12 year old Thomas Ian Nicholas, future star of the American Pie franchise. Here, Nicholas plays Henry Rowengartner a baseball loving nerd who lacks natural athletic gifts. This is despite the word of his mother who claims that Henry's dad was a ballplayer. Sadly, Henry's Dad left years ago and is barely a memory. Now, Mom is dating a weasel named Jack (Bruce Altman). We know he's a weasel because of his shirts, his unearned confidence, and his stupid car and haircut. 

The plot of Rookie of the Year begins when Henry suffers a broken shoulder. The break heals oddly and leaves Henry's tendons super tight. Soon Henry is throwing an incredible 100 mile per hour fastball. When he shows off his arm at a Chicago Cubs game by throwing a ball from the bleachers to home plate in record time, Henry catches the eye of the Cubs duplicitous VP Larry "Fish" Fisher. Fish tracks Henry down and cuts a deal with Jack to make Henry the newest star of the Chicago Cubs. This comes over much consternation from Henry's mom, and much to the excitement of Henry's best friends, George (Patrick Lebeque) and Clark (Patrick Hy Gorman). 

Less excited about this than anyone is the Cubs legendary pitching star Chet "Rocket" Steadman. He thinks Henry is a sideshow attraction and suspects that this publicity stunt isn't good for anything other than the Cubs' bottom line. Nevertheless, Chet will have to get on board as his manager assigns Chet to try and teach Henry how to control his 100 mile per hour fastball. Naturally, the standoffish Chet will slowly come around as a mentor for Henry and emerges as a love interest for Henry's mom. 

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media

Movie Review: Cheaper by the Dozen

Cheaper by the Dozen (2003) 

Directed by Shawn Levy 

Written by Sam Harper, Joel Cohen, Alec Sokolow 

Starring Steve Martin, Paula Marshall, Richard Jenkins, Bonnie Hunt, Tom Welling, Hillary Duff

Release Date December 25th, 2003 

Published December 21st, 2003

I should have seen this coming. The warning signs were there. A preview screening nearly a month before the film’s release. A script adaptation credited to eight--yes, I said eight--writers. And a director who aspires to mediocrity because mediocre would be an improvement over what he's done before. Nevertheless, I still happily attended the screening of Cheaper By The Dozen because I thought Steve Martin can't possibly make a film that bad. I could not have been more wrong.

The plot description for this film is somewhat difficult because it's essentially a series of sub-sitcom level moments of family comedy. Martin stars as a football coach in a small Illinois town. He and his wife, played by Bonnie Hunt (also one of the eight credited writers), are unique because they were high school sweethearts who have been married for 22 years, and they have 12 children. Their family farm house is an absolute mess of toys and small animals and sporting equipment. Meanwhile, each of the kids have a handy little quirk to help us tell them apart. The archetypes are classic ABC TGIF kids: the tomboy, the prissy one, the really smart one, the fat kid and so on and so forth. It saves the time of having to write 12 individual characters.

The plot, such as it is, has Martin's character accepting a new job at a big college. So, the family packs up and moves to a Chicago suburb where they meet their neighbors, played by Alan Ruck and Paula Marshall. (Poor Marshall has the thankless task of playing the only-in-the-movies type of bitch character that says horribly insensitive things and will get her comeuppance by the end of the film.) However Marshall isn't nearly as abused as poor Richard Jenkins. Slumming from his role as the coolest dead guy on TV on HBO's Six Feet Under, Jenkins play Martin's best friend and new boss who is required to be inhumanly stupid. It is poor Mr. Jenkins’ character who forces Martin to choose between his job and his 12 kids. Well golly, what do you think he will choose?

Hunt's character writes a book about her family that lands on the bestseller list, forcing her to leave the family for a few days for a book tour. Golly, do you think dad can handle taking care of all of those kids by himself? I don't know about you, but I think we’re in for hijinks here. The kids trash a neighbor’s birthday party by accidentally releasing a snake in the house. Again it's poor Marshall who takes the brunt of that beating.

Oh it gets worse.

Teen stars Hillary Duff and Tom Welling play the family's two older children. In adjusting to their new high school, these two actors who look like fashion models are required by the script to be outcasts at their new school. It reminded me of the movie She's All That where Rachel Leigh Cook was considered a nerd because she wore glasses and baggy clothes, except that Welling and Duff never look like anything but the Gap models they are in real life.

Martin stretches and strains all over the screen trying to make this forced, stupid material work and the strain shows in every moment of the film. If you thought his Bringing Down The House character was forced, you will be shocked that this character is actually worse.

Director Shawn Levy cut his teeth on Nickelodeon and Disney Channel TV series’ until getting his big break directing 2003's very first worst movie of the year, Just Married. So how fitting that he should bookend 2003 with its final worst movie of the year. Cheaper By The Dozen is an awful movie. A sub-Brady Bunch sitcom, full of forced jokes and cheap contrived melodrama.

In the words of my hero, Roger Ebert, who used this phrase to sum up his feelings about the film North, "I HATED, HATED, HATED, HATED, HATED THIS MOVIE".

Movie Review Just Married

Just Married (2003) 

Directed by Shawn Levy 

Written by Sam Harper 

Starring Ashton Kutcher, Brittany Murphy, Christian Kane, Monet Mazur, Taran Killam

Release Date January 10th, 2003 

Published January 9th, 2003

Another January, another slate of less than stellar movies from the Hollywood swill factory. Okay, Just Married isn't quite that bad, but it's not very good either.

Just Married stars Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy as a pair of twenty-somethings who fall in love and get married. He's a sports nut who works part time at a radio station doing midnight traffic reports. She is a waspy princess from Bel Air whose father (David Rasche, king of the asshole wasps) owns a pair of sports teams. Opposites attract as they say and soon after meeting they are married and off for a European honeymoon.

The film begins with the pair returning from Europe ready to kill one another. In flashback, Tom (Kutcher) explains how they met when he popped her in the face with a football on a beach. They then bonded over a game of pool and sex on their first date. Things proceed quickly as, still in flashback, we find that they moved in together after only a month of dating.

Tom then regales the mistakes each made that would come back to haunt them. First, we find that Tom accidentally killed Sarah's (Murphy) dog, then lied about it. We then learn on their wedding day that Sarah had slept with an ex-boyfriend whom she had told Tom was just a platonic friend. Of course, the ex-boyfriend is a rich guy named Peter (Christian Kane) whom Sarah's family adores.

From there, the flashback jumps ahead to the Honeymoon where things go bad from the start. After arriving in France and getting the wrong rental car, they arrive at their luxury hotel. Once there, Tom manages to nearly destroy the place with a sextoy. Well gee, it's a romantic comedy. Do you think Tom and Sarah will overcome their problems and help love prevail? I will leave the mystery.

Director Shawn Levy brings nothing new to this tired genre comedy. The only thing the film has going for it is the likability of the actors involved. Without them, Just Married would easily be one of the worst films I have seen. Brittany Murphy's huge brown eyes and bubbly energetic personality make her so amazingly likable you forgive the ridiculousness of the plot she is trapped in.

As for Kutcher, he has his moments, especially towards the end when he lets his manic comic energy overcome him. His rage at trying to get through the fence surrounding Sarah's parent's mansion is the only really funny moment of the film.

Just Married is an unoriginal wrongheaded, poorly directed cliche. A film that has been done to death and should not be made at all. If not for its appealing stars, Just Married would be interminable. With them, the film is almost tolerable.