Movie Review: Bloodrayne

Bloodrayne (2006) 

Directed by Uwe Boll 

Written by Guinevere Turner 

Starring Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Matthew Davis, Billy Zane 

Release Date January 6th, 2006

Published January 5th, 2006 

Critiquing a film directed by Uwe Boll on its filmmaking merits--artistry, narrative, acting--is, as my grandfather might say, "like arguing with a dog about being a dog." An Uwe Boll film is an Uwe Boll film, and no amount of money can turn a Boll film into a real movie. So, in reviewing Boll's Bloodrayne, I attempted to put myself in Mr. Boll's shoes and try to understand what his vision of the film was. This lasted about two minutes before unstoppable giggling set in.

Bloodrayne is possibly Mr. Boll's most amateur and accomplished film at the same time. The movie is riotously unintentionally campy and yet features a stellar cast--well beyond the talent of the director. That these actors are well beneath their parts is a given, but that each manages to look worse than they have ever looked in a film is an Uwe Boll given.

Bloodrayne stars Terminator 3 vixen Kristanna Loken as Rayne, a sideshow circus freak whose talent is that she is burned by water and healed by blood. Rayne is a vampire, sort of. Rayne is the offspring of a vampire--her mother was raped by a powerful vampire named Kagan (Ben Kingsley) and Rayne was the result of the unholy union.

Rayne has the weaknesses and strengths of a vampire but is not technically a vampire, I think. See, here's the thing about an Uwe Boll film, pausing to logically assess why his characters are as they are or do what they do really is not anything Mr. Boll is interested in doing. Thus, we get Rayne who is burned by water--not holy water mind you, just water. Rayne drinks blood for survival and cannot be out in the sun but, according to a fortune teller/plot device, she is not a vampire but a Dhampir--a human/vampire offspring. Think Blade minus anything remotely entertaining.

The legend of Bloodrayne reaches a group of vampire hunters from the Brimstone Society led by Vladimir (Michael Madsen) and his partners Katarin (Michele Rodriguez) and Sebastian (Matthew Davis). Vladimir's protégés are skeptical of the prophecy that surrounds the Dhampir, they’re looking to take out Rayne and garner any reward that might come from her violent end. Vladimir on the other hand, believes Rayne may actually be the key figure in the war between vampires and humans.

Naturally, everything comes down to a final showdown between good and evil, and a series of inept action sequences that only a director as incompetent as Uwe Boll can deliver. The dialogue is a bit surprising, as it was written by the talented Guinivere Turner who wrote excellent scripts for American Psycho and her own directorial effort Go Fish. Working outside of her comfort zone in the fantasy/action genre Turner has delivered a script that only Uwe Boll could love. Then again, Boll probably didn't care about the screenplay. 

Filled to overflow with ridiculous battle scenes and nonsense character motivations, Bloodrayne is actually a real hoot if you can step away and appreciate the unintentional camp. As Tara Reid playing a scientist was a big laugh in Boll's previous film Alone In The Dark, Michael Madsen playing a character named Vladimir and delivering portentous speeches about vampire lore is one of the funnier things in any non-comedy I’ve ever seen.. You have to respect Madsen's ability to keep a straight face in these scenes. Madsen's lethargy is all that keeps Bloodrayne from being a legendary camp farce.

The only entertaining aspect of Bloodrayne is the enormous volume of unintentional laughs it draws. I nearly had to leave the theater as my fellow filmgoers shot me dirty looks for my loud guffaws. Not that I was the only one laughing, but some people actually seemed to follow the film, which I also found hysterically funny. Ben Kingsley is a true unintended riot as the vampire king. Only Eddie Redmayne’s legendary over top performance in Jupiter Ascending can match the screen chewing of Kingsley in Bloodrayne. It is  a tour de force of unintended camp.  

Finally, pushing the film's camp quotient into the red is the cameo appearance of the brilliantly over-the-top Billy Zane. As the mysterious leader of the Brimstone Society, Zane's character Elrich is locked away from the main characters in a far-off castle, leaving him to speak aloud to himself and belt every ridiculous line of dialogue all the way to the back of the room. Zane gives a comedy cameo in Bloodrayne that blows away any comedy cameo you have ever seen. That it is not meant to be funny only makes it funnier.

Bloodrayne is nearly so bad it's good. In fact, if you are a brave filmgoer, with a strong sense of camp fun, I might just recommend Bloodrayne.

Movie Review: The Roommate

The Roommate (2011) 

Directed by Christian E Christiansen 

Written by Sonny Malhi 

Starring Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Cam Gigandet, Aly Michalka, Daneel Harris, Billy Zane 

Release Date February 4th, 2011 

Published February 3rd, 2011 

It's odd to think of a little movie like “Single White Female” and deem it iconic. Yet, there are few women in the past 20 years who have moved in with another woman and not thought for a brief moment of the potential for a Bridget Fonda/Jennifer Jason Leigh scenario before laughing it off. ”Single White Female” was nothing all that new or inventive; rather it was simply more stylish and well acted than many similar genre efforts. 

In an attempt to recreate that iconic style and culturally relevant kitsch, the makers of the new thriller “The Roommate” have offered us a copy of “Single White Female,” a black and white, low-light copy from a machine that is low on toner. ”Friday Night Lights” star Minka Kelly is “The Roommate” of the title, Sara Matthews. Sara is a daughter of privilege from Los Angeles who is attending a nameless L.A College to get out from under her parents watchful eyes. 

Sara's college roommate is Rebecca (“Gossip Girl's” Leighton Meester), fresh off the bus from Des Moines, Iowa and hoping to make it as a big city fashion designer. Sara and Rebecca are fast friends but others are quick to see Sara's dark side. Tracy (Aly Michalka), for one, is immediately creeped out by Sara's too friendly demeanor, and is soon avoiding Rebecca at Sara's warning. Meanwhile, Rebecca meets and falls for Stephen (Cam Gigandet) and while he doesn't have any dangerous encounters with Sara, we witness her stalking him in the library without his knowledge.

Every scene in “The Roommate” coheres to a similar scene in “Single White Female” right down to a murder committed by the psycho roommate while in the guise of the non-psycho roommate. Remakes are becoming relatively typical but are we truly far enough away from a movie like “Single White Female,” which was released in 1992, for a complete rehash? Taken on its own “The Roommate” is flat and joyless; an exercise in tedium that lacks not merely in originality but in any kind of invention. Even those unfamiliar with “Single White Female” will assume the beats of this story and easily determine the simpleminded 'twists' well before they turn.

”Single White Female”, at the very least, was not afraid of being trashy, indeed, that film traded in high class trash to become iconic of its brand of thriller. “The Roommate” could have used a little trashiness to dress up these flat, boring characters. Instead, with a PG-13 rating the closest we get to trashy is the sight of one character's belly ring in a shower scene.

I don't mean to come off perverted but when you trade in stock characters, unambitious dialogue, and a boring, overly familiar plot, the least you could do is trash it up with stronger girl fights and a little more bare flesh. If you are going to bore us to tears with a mere rehash of a better movie at least dress it down with some high class campy trash. Is that too much to ask?