Movie Review: Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet? (2005) 

Directed by Brian Levant

Written by David N. Weiss

Starring Ice Cube, Nia Long, Jay Mohr, Tracy Morgan

Release Date January 21st, 2005 

Published January 20th, 2005

Is Ice Cube attempting to shed his gangsta image in favor of being Martin Lawrence's understudy? It's a fair question when you see him choosing scripts like the one for Are We There Yet, clearly a role that  Martin Lawrence or even Cedric The Entertainer managed to turn down. Are We There Yet is brutally awful. An absolute utter mess of mean spirited physical humor and demonic child characters with a tacked on sappy and sentimental ending.

Honestly, this movie couldn't be worse if it had been inspired by a video game and directed by Uwe Boll.

Nick (Ice Cube) hates children. So bad luck for him when he falls in love at first sight with Suzanne (Nia Long), the mother of two small children. Nick's luck is worse than he knows because even before meeting him the two kids, Lindsey (Aleisha Allen) and Kevin (Philip Bolden), have it in for him. For Lindsey and Kevin no man is good enough for their mom, except their dad who has left the family.

Despite his hatred of children Nick really wants to get some, so of course when Suzanne needs someone to ferry her kids from her home in Oregon to Vancouver, Canada where she has to work on New Years Eve, Nick is the first to volunteer. At first they were supposed to fly in, but the kids set him up for Homeland security, putting the kibosh on the plane flight.

They try a train but once again the kids have it in for him. So they are left to drive in Nick's brand new Lincoln Navigator. No points for guessing what happens to this gorgeous vehicle thanks to these two evil children. Poor Nick is then subjected to every form of hack screen writer kind of human torture, from the classic kick in the groin to every form of gross-out humor imaginable.

The film attempts to establish a broad comic tone that might justify it's flights of gross-out humor and over the top elements like Nick's talking bobble head. However the film loses that attempt by tacking on scenes of import such as when the kids are forced to confront their no good father and find out he's never coming back. Such a weighty subject has no place in a film in which a child peeing on an innocent woman is a big comic moment.

And the film manages to get worse. For some reason beyond the comprehension of any right thinking movie watcher, Nick has a Satchell Page bobble head doll. If that is not indignity enough for the legendary Mr. Page, the doll talks to Nick in the voice of former SNL star Tracy Morgan. Why the four screen writers , who shall remain nameless, and hack Director Brian Levant, the auteur behind classics like Jingle All The Way and Snow Dogs, chose to denigrate Mr. Page in this way is anyone's guess. But why does Nick talk to the bobble head and it talk back, is the character supposed to be insane?

How does Director Brian Levant keep getting work? His films have managed to get worse every time he makes one. Jingle All The Way, Snow Dogs and now Are We There Yet are a triumvirate of films that on one resume should mean automatic dismissal. Instead he's already at work on another project. God help us if there is another bobble head or child in the vicinity.

Movie Review: The Spy Next Door

The Spy Next Door (2010) 

Directed by Brian Levant 

Written by Jonathan Bernstein, James Greer, Gregory Poirier 

Starring Jackie Chan, Amber Valletta, Madeline Carroll, George Lopez

Release Date January 15th, 2010 

Published January 14th, 2010 

It is far too easy to rip a movie like The Spy Next Door. The plot is dimwitted and derivative, star Jackie Chan has far too little mastery of the English language to be given this many lines, and the supporting cast is a minefield of overacting and over-arching cuteness. Way too easy. The harder thing to do is admit that despite all the garbage in The Spy Next Door, there are a few modest pleasures and even a couple of smiles to be had.

The Spy Next Door is an accidental re-imagining of Vin Diesel's Disney flick The Pacifier. Take the world's greatest super-spy and leave him in charge of some precocious pre-teens and wait for wacky stuff to happen. The only difference is where Diesel seems terribly uncomfortable; Jackie Chan seems right at home playing with the kids.

Chan is secret agent Bob Ho, a spy on loan to the CIA from Chinese Intelligence. Bob is tracking a Russian bad guy named Poldark (Magnus Scheving) and his evil gal Friday, Creel (Katherine Boecher) as they seek to destroy the world supply of oil. Helping Bob are a pair of CIA agents, Glaze (George Lopez) and Colton (Billy Ray Cyrus).

Meanwhile, Bob is looking to wrap up his spy career so that he can marry his next door neighbor Gillian (Amber Valletta) who does not know that Bob is really a spy. Even bigger than that obstacle however is getting in good with Gillian's three kids. Farren (Madeline Carroll) is a severely moody oldest daughter who nastily calls her mom Gillian. Ian (Will Shadley) is the middle child and a power nerd who, though only 9, reads physics for fun. And finally 4 year Nora (Alina Foley) who is convinced that Bob is what Ian calls a ‘cyborg.’ Together the siblings look to get rid of boring Bob before he can marry mommy.

Yes, the plot is exceedingly dopey and condescendingly simple. But, you know that when you buy the ticket. Given that knowledge going in makes it easier to appreciate the few charms that The Spy Next Door has. Jackie Chan is now 50 years old and years of daring stunt work have taken their toll. Nevertheless, Chan gives it a go in The Spy Next Door and his brand of martial arts crossed with Buster Keaton style slapstick hasn't been this much fun in a while.

The kids in kid’s movies can be terribly irritating, either too precious or too grating. They are at times both in The Spy Next Door. That said each of the child actors has a good moment or two, especially young Alina Foley. It's cheating to have a sweet little four year old whisper 'I love you bob' as he sings her to sleep with a Chinese lullaby, but it's hard to deny how cute the scene is.

The Spy Next Door is not 'cinema.' This is not a great movie but it never pretends to be. The Spy Next Door is briskly paced, breezy, goofy and, best of all, over before you really tire of its idiot plot. By the lowered standards of kid’s entertainment this qualifies as something I can recommend. Kids won't be harmed by it and mom and dad may actually stay awake during most of it. What more can you ask of low rent kids entertainment.