Movie Review: Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day (2010) 

Directed by Garry Marshall 

Written by Katherine Fugate 

Starring Jessica Alba, Patrick Dempsey, Anne Hathaway, Queen Latifah, Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner

Release Date February 12th, 2010

Published February 14th, 2010 

Garry Marshall, how do I loathe thee, let me count the ways. I have loathed every inch of film you have ever cut and print. Every word on the page of one of your scripts has been like a dagger in my chest. Your magnum opus Pretty Woman is one of the most loathsome, irresponsible and despicable fantasies ever crafted.

I still have nightmares of your attempt to make an S & M themed romantic comedy starring Dan Akroyd and Rosie O'Donnell. In all seriousness, which concentric circle of hell did you escape from? Mr. Marshall's latest bit of awfulness is arguably his most banal, rendered so by having so much star power you may be to blind to realize how you're being terrorized.

Valentine's Day is ostensibly about love and its many complications played out over the hallmark crafted Holiday. 20 or some odd number of characters each has an interconnected part to play in this series of failed single romantic comedies wrapped into one massive failure.

Among the glitterati to loan there sheen to Mr. Marshall's failed vision of comic romance are Ashton Kutcher as a flower shop owner and Jennifer Garner as, prepare for the surprising twist, the best friend he's always loved but didn't know it. He's just become engaged to Morley (Jessica Alba) who is carrying on an affair with her blackberry. Meanwhile the best friend is sleeping with a married man (Patrick Dempsey).

Don't worry, like all despicable married men in romantic comedies, he's leaving his fabulously wealthy wife and children to be with his poor school teacher mistress. I must say, I did marvel at Mr. Marshall's ability to cram that many well wrung clichés into one storyline.

There are several thousand other stars in Valentine's Day including Oscar winners (Julia Roberts, Shirley MacLaine), Oscar nominees (Anne Hathaway, Queen Latifah), TV stars (Eric Dane and Dempsey both from Grey's Anatomy, Kutcher and Topher Grace from That 70's Show) and even pop stars and Twilighters (Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner as the most vapid characters in an entirely vapid movie).

There are still countless other well known people in Valentine's Day but who really cares. At some point we in the audience belong to some weird version of Hollywood census takers, right down to the questions of demography as many characters are defined by their race in the most statistical of fashion. 

To count the ways that Valentine's Day is offensive would actually take longer than my list of reasons for hating director Garry Marshall. The film isn't merely a recycling dump of romantic clichés; it's also a garbage dump of racial and sexual stereotypes. Oh. And don't even ask about sex because despite the theme, sex is purely something that exists the night before Valentine's Day and not the day of. 

Ludicrously awful, Valentine's Day attempts to mask the odor of it's inanity with a traffic jam of celebrity. The pretty people wandering in and out of the 50 or so failed movies jammed into this one movie fails to distract from the sheer brainless insipidity of Valentine's Day.

Movie Review Raising Helen

Raising Helen (2004) 

Directed by Garry Marshall

Written by Jack Amiel, Michael Begler

Starring Kate Hudson, John Corbett, Joan Cusack, Hayden Panattiere, Spencer Breslin, Helen Mirren

Release Date May 28th, 2004

Published May 30th, 2004 

Ever since I was a kid, there was one thing that my mother and I had in common and that was a love for movies. Though our tastes are very different, occasionally my mom would surprise me. She loves Days of Heaven and Sleepless In Seattle, she loves La Dolce Vita and Grease, all of which are in her video collection. Her one abiding love however is cheeseball romantic comedies. Anything of the Hanks-Ryan canon, Julia Roberts is a goddess, but only romantic Julia, preferably teamed with Richard Gere.

I bring this up because on Mother's Day my mother joined me for one of those cheeseball romantic comedies she so dearly loves, Garry Marshall's new film Raising Helen. While I sat there in my cynical, cold-hearted shell completely unmoved by Marshall's greeting card sentimentality, my mother laughed and cried as if on cue from the film to do so. It's an example that any film critic needs to hear that certain movies play to certain audiences. That doesn't make a movie good but it should give you something to think about before launching into another cynical diatribe about the death of film. I might have walked away from this film ready to write such a review had my mom not been there.

In typical romantic comedy fashion, Helen Harris (Kate Hudson) has a fabulous job, fabulous friends and endless amounts of disposable income for her fabulous clothes and apartment. This all changes when Helen's older sister Lindsey and her husband are killed in a car crash leaving behind three children. Naturally, Helen assumes that her other sister Jenny (Joan Cusack), already a wife and mother, will take in Lindsey's kids but Lindsey has a surprise for them both. In what many would consider bad judgment, Lindsey has left the kids, Audrey, 14 (Hayden Panettiere), Henry, 10 (Spencer Breslin) and Sarah, 5 (Abigail Breslin) to Helen.

Helen's life of fashion shows and nightclubs is thrown out of whack. Soon her trendy apartment is gone in favor of a not-so-posh Brooklyn apartment. Her job working at a fashion agency for the criminally underused Helen Mirren in a throwaway role as Helen's boss, is gone because her kids destroy a fashion show. On the bright side, Helen has found the kids a good school. A Lutheran high school where the principal is the very handsome Pastor Dan (John Corbett).

From my perspective this obvious material moves slowly towards its obvious conclusions with a little humor and plenty of contrived melodrama. Sitcom level humor permeates every corner of the film that isn't taken up with “very special episode” style theatrics. However, for every cynical hard-hearted comment from me, my mom laughed and cried. Mom was under the film’s spell from moment one and remained there until the very end.

The one part of the film that we both could agree upon were the actors who at times when not being manipulated by the plot, actually are very good. Kate Hudson deserves a better vehicle for her talents than the tired romances she seems trapped in at the moment. The radiance and life force that made Almost Famous so memorable still shines through, slightly dimmed because the material is not nearly as engaging as she is.

The supporting cast is also very good. Joan Cusack may be the most reliable character actresses in all of Hollywood. John Corbett backs up his handsome face with great wit and self-deprecating manner. The film actually gets a little better in the scenes when it's only Hudson and Corbett together, these two have terrific chemistry. The child actors are…well, they are child actors and in movies like these, they are placeholders for the plot.

Ask me how I feel about Raising Helen and I'll tell you that Garry Marshall's affinity for greeting card level emotions is as grating as fingernails on a chalkboard. Raising Helen is another assembly line Hollywood film that had a poster before it had a script. However, my Mom would tell you that Raising Helen is a sweet, funny, family movie that will make you laugh and cry and walk out with a smile on your face and a little choked up. Mom would give Raising Helen 10 out of 10. I wish I could be as kind.

Movie Review Georgia Rule

Georgia Rule (2007)

Directed by Garry Marshall 

Written  by Mark Andrus 

Starring Jane Fonda, Lindsay Lohan, Felicity Huffman, Dermot Mulroney, Cary Elwes 

Release Date May 11th, 2007 

Published May 10th, 2007 

Director Garry Marshall has skated on the success of his hit 1990 romantic comedy Pretty Woman for more than a decade now. That film invented the idea of a 'hooker with a heart of gold.' For some reason people accepted this premise of a hooker who rises from the mean streets of Los Angeles to become the wife of a millionaire businessman. In hindsight, Pretty Woman is an objectionable fantasy that, if it didn't star the luminescent Julia Roberts it likely would have been seen for the ugly lie that it is.

This type of trash has been Marshall's stock and trade ever since. Check 1994's Exit To Eden which is a comedy about sado-masochism featuring Rosie O'Donnell and Dan Akroyd in bondage costumes and it is somehow not a horror movie. 1996's Dear God presented a group of banal mail carriers in a vaguely religious, deeply unfunny comedy. And 1999's The Other Sister was a romantic comedy about a pair of mismatched mentally handicapped people that is so insensitive that Roger Ebert described their depiction as being like trained seals.

Runaway Bride and the Princess Diaries movies were merely forgettable trifles, slightly less terrible than Marshall's other movies. And 2003's Raising Helen was yet another bizarre and objectionable premise. That one has a mother and father dying in a car accident and leaving their three kids in the care of the one person in their family least qualified to care for the children. Why did they do this? To teach this family member responsibility. If you think using your children to teach this lesson is a good idea, please consider not having children. Just to be on the safe side.

This brings us to Marshall\'s latest bizarre bad idea. Georgia Rule is a sitcomic take on some real issues. Issues like child sexual abuse, drug abuse and alcoholism. That it happens to star the troubled child star Lindsey Lohan is a strange and sad coincidence.

In Georgia Rule Lindsey Lohan stars as Rachel a troubled teenager who has been banished to her grandma Georgia's (Jane Fonda) home in Idaho for the summer. Rachel's mother, Lilly (Felicity Huffman), simply can't keep Rachel in line anymore and she hopes that her own mother's strict 'Georgia Rules' can straighten Rachel out. Things naturally get off to a rocky start. Rachel remains rebellious and incorrigible despite Georgia's constant prodding, though she does accept a job working for a local veterinarian, Simon (Dermot Mulroney), who once dated her mother.

She also begins a tentative romance with a young Mormon man, Harlan (Garrett Hedlund), who is preparing for a 2 year mission and an arranged marriage, something that somehow doesn't put off the sexually aggressive Rachel in any way. Rachel's behavior soon has Lilly coming back to town to sort things out and when she does secrets are revealed that no one is fully prepared to deal with.

Directed by uber-hack Garry Marshall, Georgia Rule is an offensively off-key disaster. It's a light hearted, light headed comedy that attempts to be an adult drama. Crammed into the seams of this ostensibly good natured family comedy are subplots in which Lohan performs oral sex on a somewhat unwilling Mormon, threatens to have sex with the boyfriends of all the girls in this small town, and attempts to sleep with Dermot Mulroney's Simon even though there is a question as to whether the Simon character may be either her real father and or in love with her mother. Ewww!

Then there is creepy Cary Elwes whose character is accused of sexually abusing Lohan's character from the time she was 12. This having happened while Felicity Huffman's Lilly was a useless fumbling drunk, which, as of the start of the movie we are told that she still is.

It\'s not unnatural that a movie would attempt to deal with such deep dark issues, the problem is in the approach. Garry Marshall's hacky, sitcomic approach to these serious issues undermines the drama and coats every scene in a creepy false veneer. Marshall tosses these issues into the movie, muddies the waters with them and then backs away for a light hearted moment and then dips back into the creepiness. Georgia Rule is a tonal train wreck.

Georgia Rule plays like a Todd Solondz movie directed by mainstream hack. At that time that thought occurred to me, I was honestly unaware that Garry Marshall was the director of Georgia Rule. Seeing his name in the credits at the end was a revelation. He perfectly fits my perception of just the kind of mainstream comic hack who should not visit Solondz style material.

Georgia Rule is bizarre, offensive, clueless, dunderheaded and foolish. Garry Marshall has always been a hack director but Georgia Rule is so wretched I had to even reconsider my feelings on the one movie of his I liked, Pretty Woman. In hindsight, Pretty Woman is nearly as repellent as Georgia Rule. The difference is that movie had Julia Roberts at her most appealing. Georgia Rule has Lindsay Lohan at her most troubled.

What is it about Garry Marshall that makes him try to turn everything into a pasty sitcom? It's bizarre how he tries to portray real life traumatic situations and stick them into his preferred context, the half hour comedy. Drug abuse, sexual abuse, alcohol abuse, Marshall puts these things into his movies and adds a metaphorical laugh track via his banal direction and inability to relate to these problems on a human level.