Movie Review The Cave

The Cave (2005) 

Directed by Bruce Hunt

Written by Michael Steinberg, Tegan West

Starring Cole Hauser, Morris Chestnut, Eddie Cibrian, Lena Headey, Piper Perabo

Release Date August 26th, 2005

Published August 27th, 2005

Did you know that Cave Diver is a legitimate profession?

I had no idea! To me it sounded more like the title to some long lost "Mystery Science Theater 3000" feature than any legit money making venture. That perception was only enforced by the goofy goings-on in the new creature feature The Cave in which a group of cave divers line up to become lunch for some alien knockoff.

Cole Hauser leads a multicultural cast to their doom as the head of a cave diving team brought to some third world European locale to investigate a massive series of caves uncovered during an archaeological dig. Hey wouldn't you know it, these caves are the cursed remains of a once destroyed church.  They almost always are. Once inside, our intrepid divers are picked off one by one as if the plot had been written by an efficiency expert.

Director Bruce Hunt has little time for developing characters, what with all of this cool cave diving equipment to show off and all of the cool underwater photography to play with. Instead Hunt, with screenwriters Michael Steinberg and Tegan West, opts for multi-cultural placeholders who stand in line and wait for their turn to be monster food. Naturally such a simplistic story has attracted Morris Chestnut who just made this same movie last year with a giant snake, Anaconda 2: The Search For The Blood Orchid. Chestnutt is not a bad actor but has been a magnet for bad scripts (Like Mike, Half Past Dead) and parts well below his talent (Confidence, Under Siege 2) ever since his terrific debut in John Singleton's Boyz In The Hood.

Cole Hauser's rise to above the title star continues to puzzle me. Last year he top lined Paparazzi, a film that never should have seen light outside the video store. Now he leads The Cave which at least has the budget required of a big screen feature but little else. Don't most actors have to prove they can open a movie before they are given two starring roles in a row. Whoever decided Cole Hauser was a star may need to rethink that after The Cave. I would not speak so ill of Hauser, who wasn't bad as one of those nameless character actors with a recognizable face in films like White Oleander and Pitch Black, if he had just stayed with those types of roles.

Almost unrecognizable in this B-list cast is Coyote Ugly star Piper Perabo. Oh how the once promising star has fallen. Ms. Perabo really did look like a star in the overheated Jerry Bruckheimer dramedy Coyote Ugly but she is far from that shining promise here in The Cave where she is only the second most prominent female character in the movie behind Brothers Grimm star Lena Headey. Ouch! If you don't know how good Ms. Perabo is, forget Coyote Ugly, avoid The Cave, and check out the tiny Canadian independent Lost & Delirious. Her earnest romantic tragedy in that film is at times trite but more often moving and lovable.

With all apologies to my mother who always liked to drop that classic mom-ism, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all',  there is simply nothing nice to say about the acting of former underwear model turned TV actor turned movie blackhole Eddie Cibrian. The guy is like a placeholder waiting for a real actor to step in. His blank stare and thudding delivery makes one wonder if he was simply there to block the lighting and then the real actor never showed up.  That is the only way I can make sense of his being here.

Cibrian plays Tyler and Morris Chestnut plays Tom Buchanan. However, whether it was due to bad editing or simple oversight, the actors appear to switch character names throughout the film. In an early scene where the team is plotting its cave descent both characters are referred to as Tyler at least once. That is slightly better than poor Daniel Dae Kim ("Lost") who may as well have been called That Asian Guy because he just doesn't seem to have a name throughout the film.

There were actually some things I liked about The Cave. The underwater photography, for example, is very cool. The crisp, clear blue water is beautifully shot, credited to Cinematographer Ross Emory, although second unit Director Wes Skiles is credited as the Underwater Unit Director. The scuba equipment, so lovingly dissected by the expositional dialogue, I'm told is top of the line stuff by a friend who dives for a living. My friend was also quite impressed with the underwater scenes for what that's worth. He does that professionally as well.

That is about it for the niceties unfortunately. Out of the water, The Cave is a knockoff of the two Anaconda films, Deep Rising, Mimic, Deep Blue Sea and any number of creature features in which an ensemble of B-listers comprise a buffet for some computer generated baddies. All of those films are mere retreads of the ultimate Sci-Fi ensemble flick Alien, which is also the only film to get that formula right, not once but twice if you count its excellent first sequel.

It's a given that particular plots are going to be rehashed, especially when they have been financially successful in the past. In the case of a film with a plot such as this you have to grade on a curve. The key to taking a cliched plot like that of The Cave and making an entertaining movie of it is to dress it up with lighting, with sets, with great dialogue, and with at least a few interesting premises. The Cave has some nice underwater locations that are very well photographed and some cool looking scuba gear but not much else.

Movies like The Cave make me long for the long lost wit and sarcasm of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" in all its movie-bashing glory. Just imagining the fun that Crow, Mike Nelson and Tom Servo could have had slicing up The Cave is more entertaining than anything in the film's 90 some odd minute runtime. Naturally the Alien plot will continue to have knock-offs produced again and again and again as years go by but perhaps they'll die out once we stop throwing our hard-earned money at them. 

Movie Review Not Easily Broken

Not Easily Broken (2009) 

Directed by Bill Duke 

Written by Brian Bird

Starring Morris Chestnut, Taraji P. Henson, Kevin Hart, Wood Harris, Jennifer Lewis 

Release Date January 9th, 2009 

Published January 9th, 2009 

I think we can all be forgiven for mistaking Not Easily Broken for yet another Tyler Perry production. A serious minded drama about a middle class African American couple with marital problems who often turn to religion for answers. All you need is Madea head snapping her way through some life lessons and you have a typical Tyler Perry product.

If that sounds like a negative critique it's not meant as such. The fact is, Perry has grown as an artist over his relatively short feature film career and with his good heart and great intentions, any film would be lucky for the comparison. The makers of Not Easily Broken can be thankful for the comparison. Though the film is not as thoughtful and compelling as Perry's Why Did I Get Married? It has similar goals and ideals and comes close to the quality.

Not Easily Broken stars Morris Chestnut and Taraji P. Henson as Dave and Clarice, a married couple on the verge of divorce. After nearly 15 years of marriage the spark is gone and the couple spends most of their time arguing. Clarice can't stand that Dave spends so much of his time coaching a little league team in the inner city. He says he might be more inclined to stay home if he had a son of his own.

Clarice is making great money in real estate and feels that having a child would derail her career ambitions. The dispute is made worse when a car accident leaves Clarice with a shattered leg that will require a lot of time and therapy. The injury invites Clarise's overbearing mother, Mary (Jennifer Lewis) to move in to care for her daughter and further drive the wedge between husband and wife.

Mary has never liked Dave. Then again, as we learn throughout, she's never really liked any man since her husband ran out on her. To make matters more complicated, Dave develops an off work relationship with Clarice's physical therapist, a white woman named Julie (Maeve Quinlan) that could develop into something more than flirtation.

Julie has a son that Dave takes an interest in much to the chagrin of Clarice and the suspicion of even his closest friend, Brock (Eddie Cibrian), who has his eyes on the single mom.

Whether Dave and Clarise can save their marriage or if he might be better off with Julie is not so much the subject of Not Easily Broken as it is a plot point, albeit a dramatic plot point. What is of more interest to director Bill Duke is observing the little ways in which people who love each other can find ways to hurt each other.

Whether it's husband and wife, mother and son in  law, mother and daughter or just friend and friend, the people we care about are often the people who can hurt us the most. Duke observes this idea well even as it gives the movie a little bit of distance from a narrative drive that would make it more compelling.

In that way it's quite similar to Chris Rock's similarly themed I Think I Love My Wife. Both films are driven by the observation of behavior rather than in telling stories that are truly compelling in a classical movie fashion. There is nothing wrong with that approach except that it can leave many audiences expecting a plot that moves them along from one scene to the next wondering when something is actually going  to happen.

As this movie is based on a novel by the Reverend T.D Jakes, things do often come back to religion and director Bill Duke could not have chosen a more authoritative voice for the church than actor Albert Hall. In his brief scenes as the pastor who presided over Dave and Clarice's wedding and later as their counselor and confessor, Hall conveys wisdom and power with his words without being overbearing or relying on religious homily. It's a common sense approach that happens to be backed up by the moral force of religion.

Not Easily Broken is not a typical movie. The plot moves glacially and is more interested in the mini-moment than in moving audiences toward expected conclusions. The conclusions come eventually but they take a while. This will bore some audiences. However, if you're like me, you may be compelled by the little observations. You have to fill in a few of the blanks yourself to make the time pass and the film cheats a few times to score emotional points, but Not Easily Broken, for me, is a moving, well intentioned work of care and honesty.

Movie Review Half Past Dead

Half Past Dead (2002) 

Directed by Don Michael Paul

Written by Don Michael Paul 

Starring Steven Seagal, Ja Rule, Kurupt, Morris Chestnut, Nia Peeples 

Release Date November 15th, 2002

Published November 15th, 2002 

As long as rap stars want an "actor" to make them look good, Steven Seagal will have a film career. Never known for his acting, Seagal is the perfect foil for rappers beginning their acting careers because his sullen, wooden ridiculousness makes his co-stars seem Deniro-esque in comparison. In Half Past Dead Seagal does the trick for first timer Ja Rule.

Dead features Seagal as Sascha, an FBI agent who is deep undercover in a group of car thieves. Sascha's unwitting partner is Nick (Ja Rule) who thinks his new partner is a straight thug criminal. Nick is getting Sascha close to the criminal organization that killed Sascha's wife until the two are busted at a stolen car chop shop and Nick is sent to jail. To stay undercover and close to Nick, Sascha joins Nick at the newly reopened Acatraz Island prison.

Alcatraz is about to perform its first execution since reopening on a man named Sonny Eckvall (Richard Bremmer). Sonny was sentenced to death for the murder of FBI agents who were attempting to arrest him for stealing $200 million in gold. Before committing the murders, Sonny stashed the gold and plans to take the gold’s location to his grave. A female Supreme Court justice, conveniently soon to be a hostage, played by Linda Thorson, has come to Alcatraz to preside over the execution.

Before the execution can occur, a group of terrorists lead by a prison bureaucrat played by Morris Chestnutt (slumming for a paycheck), attack the prison with the intent of forcing Sonny to reveal the location of the gold. Unfortunately for them, Sascha is loose in the prison and is quickly dispatching of his henchman.

It is no surprise that Half Past Dead is a slipshod, slapped together B movie. What is surprising is how truly inept a movie made in this day and age can be. Especially a film with a studio backing. Bad movies are bad movies but there is no excuse for the massive continuity errors and logical leaps forced upon us by first time feature director Don Michael Paul. My favorite is when the bad guys leap out of a plane in what is clearly daylight and then land on Alcatraz at night. You could skydive from the moon and land faster than that.

I also enjoyed Paul's admission on the commentary track that some of the film's footage was a direct lift from his buddy Michael Bay's movie The Rock. Originality gets its ass kicked again. Now to be fair, director Paul does give the film a slick and polished music video style that looks very cool on DVD. Oh, and whomever dressed up Nia Peeples did a great job because she has never looked hotter.

Unfortunately, no matter how slick the movie may look it can't make Steven Seagal look good. Seagal's plodding dullness is becoming more and more evident with every film. He continues to get slower and more overweight in every movie. Where his martial arts moves may have once been credible, or were they? I don't remember. Regardless, they are clearly embellished by stuntmen and effects in Half Past Dead.

As for Ja Rule, he isn't an unpleasant actor but his range is limited and I can't imagine much of a future for him as an actor outside of ultraviolet low dialogue B-movies. Half Past Dead is more evidence, as if anymore was needed, that Steven Seagal is beyond washed up. Though I'm sure that because Hollywood is a cesspool of greed and stupidity there will always be a place for him in movies. Let's hope this film’s lack of box office will seal his fate as a straight-to-video B-movie actor.

Movie Review The Game Plan

The Game Plan (2007) 

Directed by Andy Fickman 

Written by Nichole Millard, Kathryn Price 

Starring Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Madison Pettis, Kyra Sedgwick, Morris Chestnut, Roselyn Sanchez

Release Date September 28th, 2007

Published September 27th. 2007

"We're through the looking glass here people" Kevin Costner as Jim Garrison in Oliver Stone's JFK. How does this quote relate, in any way, to the innocuous family comedy The Game Plan starring Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson? Well, ffter watching it, I'm convinced that a conspiracy is afoot. The Walt Disney company is hiding something and I think I know what it is. I'll save the conspiracies for later in the review. I will tell you now; that despite this evil conspiracy, The Rock damn near makes this innocuous, ineffectual, family comedy worth throwing away a Saturday afternoon on. Almost.

In The Game Plan The Rock plays 'The King" aka Joe Kingman, the professional football MVP who is leading his Boston Rebels team to the championship. The swinging bachelor parties late into the night, he has a room where he keeps Chanel branded presents on standby for his favorite girlfriends, and he is something of a jerk to teammates, especially those who put family ahead of having a good time.

Naturally, Joe has his comeuppance coming and it comes in the form of 8 year old Peyton (Madison Pettis) who claims to be his daughter. Indeed, she is the daughter of Joe's ex-wife. The marriage broke up not long after they wed. The wife kept the wedding to herself but now that an emergency has called her out of the country for a month, she's ready to let Joe meet Peyton. Well,  that's Peyton's version of events, mom may not actually know what her daughter is up to.

You don't exactly need a map to see where this one is headed. As directed by Andy Fickman (She's The Man), The Game Plan is as rote and formulaic as any Disney, non-animated, movie. Typical Lessons are learned by daddy and daughter, minor crises arise and are resolved, and if you think that daddy and daughter will end up apart, clearly you don't go to the movies very often.

The one thing that keeps The Game Plan from becoming The Pacifier Part Deux is the presence of The Rock. The former WWE wrestling champion is a highly charismatic presence. Highly likable with a tremendous ability to laugh at himself, the Rock keeps The Game Plan from becoming too treacly and syrupy, though he can't avoid the pitfalls of predictability.

There is a strange parallel between this kind of bland, harmless family comedy and movies like Rob Zombie's Halloween and that is a sneaky sort of conservatism. Family movies and horror movies both reinforce so-called traditional family values. In Halloween, for example, sins are punished by a vengeful god figure, reinforcing traditional Christian values by killing people, especially those sinners who engage in premarital sex.

In The Game Plan, traditional family values are reinforced by showing the life of a swinging single male to be empty and devoid of meaning and fulfillment. It is not until Joe meets his daughter and begins building a family, including a potential new mommy in Roselyn Sanchez, his daughter's ballet teacher, that Joe's life begins to gain meaning. There is no biblical punishment for Joe should he not get on the right path but, as laid out in this mindless, Disney universe, Joe's life will be meaningless without the traditional family structure.

Conspiracy? Maybe. But it's not the only conspiracy at work in The Game Plan. Cue spooky X-Files scene transition music. I'm now convinced of a Disney conspiracy alongside my family values conspiracy. The mouse house is hiding a terrifying piece of technology somewhere in the bowels of the magic kingdom. It's a computer running a program that writes bland, inoffensive, family movie scripts that feature the same predictable moments of pathos, bathos, bathroom humor and slapstick, all wrapped up in a happily ever after bow.

Just think what horrors might be unleashed if this technology were to fall into the wrong hands. For goodness sake Disney, destroy this computer before it destroys us all by creating the ultimate bland, inoffensive family comedy and lulls all of us into a state of mild amusement and mindless familiarity.

Ok, despite my conspiracy theories, there is nothing even modestly dangerous about The Game Plan. In fact, if you are desperate for a family movie, you could do much worse than this. Though I won't remember this movie in about an hour, I wasn't entirely bored while watching it because Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson is such a charmer.

Though I think The Game Plan will be a hit at the box office I wouldn't worry about seeing it opening weekend. It won't be long before this simpleminded PG rated comedy will run on an endless loop on The Disney Channel or ABC Family, or on some conspiratorial combination of TBS, WGN and TNT, hmm, I wonder who's behind all of this. Sorry, just theorizing again.