Movie Review: Crank 2 High Voltage

Crank 2 High Voltage (2009) 

Directed Neveldine and Taylor 

Written by Neveldine and Taylor

Starring Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Bai Ling, Dwight Yoakam

Release Date April 17th, 2009 

Published April 19th, 2009 

Warning: This review gives away the final image of the new movie Crank 2: High Voltage. If for some misguided reason you want to see this excremental awfulness in theaters, unspoiled, you may want to wait to read this review. I don't recommend you see this movie at all so keep reading.

The final image of the new action disaster Crank 2: High Voltage is star Jason Statham on fire flipping the middle finger to the audience. Standing with the skin burning and peeling away from his bullet like skull, Statham's Chev Chelios finds the strength to extend his middle finger and smile in one last salute to an audience that has already wasted more than 80 minutes of their precious lives and 8 to 12 of their precious dollars.

For co-directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor this is what passes for clever and or subversive. Just don't confuse it for entertaining boys. Then again, I am sure that was never your intention. The fact is Neveldine and Taylor, juvenile pranksters that they are, approach Crank 2 not unlike Tom Green approached Freddy Got Fingered, not as a privelege to be able to make a movie but as a licence to see how far the moneyed class will let them go in spreading filth all over film screens.

In that instance Neveldine and Taylor are heedless. They dive headlong into the idea of being allowed to do whatever they want onscreen. From disturbing violence, a man cuts off his own nipples, to outright pornography, Statham's Chev Chelios has sex with his girlfriend played by Amy Smart in graphic fashion on a horse racing track, in front of a cheering crowd. Amy Smart, I'm sure your parents are very proud of you today.

The naughty bits are pixellated during the sex scenes, the one likely nod to studio oversight. But the nipple thing, that was OK. Now, as I write this I can imagine Neveldine and Taylor giggling like school children. Why? Because this kind of puritanical reaction is just what they were hoping for. However, when even someone as liberal as myself is offended by a movie it says something.

So what is the value of making a movie with the intent to offend? Provocative for the sake of provocative is something akin to making a movie inside a vacuum. Like filming an inside joke. I am certain that Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor are somewhere laughing. The rest of us I gather got what we were intended to get from Crank 2 in that final image.

Movie Review Jonah Hex

Jonah Hex (2010)

Directed by Jimmy Hayward

Written by Neveldine and Taylor

Starring Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich

Release Date June 18th, 2010

Published June 18th, 2010

There is a cult that surrounds the “Jonah Hex” comic books. The character is a melding of Gothic horror and western conventions and arrived around the time that Clint Eastwood had made westerns cool again, back in the early 1970's. “Jonah Hex” has been preparing for its pop culture close up for almost that whole time.

Now, more than 30 years after its debut, with Josh Brolin in the role of Jonah, and a first time live action filmmaker Jimmy Hayward (his first feature was the animated “Horton Hears a Who”), behind the camera, the underground comics legend comes to the big screen and many are going to wish it had waited a little longer.

Josh Brolin is “Jonah Hex,” an old west bounty hunter with the ability to talk to the dead and an unending urge for vengeance against the man who killed his family. That man is Jonah's former commanding officer in the Confederate Army, General Turnbull (John Malkovich). Jonah killed Turnbull's son, Jeffrey Dean Morgan in an uncredited cameo, while trying to prevent his unit from burning down a hospital.

Soon after, Jonah had deserted the army only to be tracked down by Turnbull and made to watch as his family was burned alive. Turnbull doesn't stop there, he wants Jonah to never forget the man who did this to his family and burns his initials into Jonah's face with a branding iron. To say this was upsetting to Jonah would be a minor understatement. 

Left for dead, Jonah was rescued by an Indian tribe, because of course he was. Movies always have to go give this kind of hero a mystical rub from the noble Native American tribe. Through some kind of mystical ceremony Jonah attains his unique power to speak to the dead. The dead have the convenient ability to find people they knew when they were alive wherever they are in the world and thus the ghosts tell Jonah where to find them. What luck, right?

Megan Fox plays Jonah's favorite sex worker, Lilah, likely the only one who can stand his ugly mug. She has little function in the main plot other than being Megan Fox and wearing skimpy period sex worker clothes. There is a forced romance between Lilah and Jonah but since writers Neveldine and Taylor, the idiots behind the awful “Crank” movies, could not write a convincing romance, we are merely told that Jonah and Lilah have more than a sex worker and john relationship.

The ‘relationship’ allows the writing team to include Lilah in the film's final act shootout where she demonstrates one of many convenient talents that she and Jonah both have that are only revealed to us when the characters really need them. Characters also arrive conveniently in just the place they need to, like when Jonah is shot in the chest and passes out from the pain just a few yards from those noble, mystical Native Americans who saved his life before and are ready to save him again.

“Jonah Hex” is a clumsy, poorly crafted comic book story hampered by an idiot script that lurches between a modern story and more cutaways than an episode of “Family Guy.” The film is humorless, sexist, and even at a mere 82 minutes in length, drags from one scene to the next as if the gloom that surrounds the character of Jonah Hex were anchored on the whole movie.

To be fair, one thing in “Jonah Hex” does kind of works and it is star Josh Brolin. Despite being hampered by ridiculous burn make-up, Brolin delivers Jonah as the badass he is meant to be. Combining a little Clint Eastwood with a little John Wayne and shooting it through a Gothic, horror comic book lens, Brolin swaggers and croaks out his lines with grizzly relish. Brolin brings a cool to the movie that was lacking in both scripting and direction.

Director Jimmy Heyward and the writing team of Neveldine and Taylor undermine Josh Brolin’s performance by cutting every corner, abusing flashbacks to tell Jonah’s backstory, and provide convenient information needed to lurch the plot forward. When not abusing flashbacks they abuse handy dialogue like that from the Blacksmith who crafts Jonah’s pseudo period weaponry.

The Blacksmith who, prepare to laugh, happens to be black and named Smith (Ha!) helpfully passes along the reason why Jonah fought for the Confederacy - he was a contrarian, not a racist slave owner. Jonah was a contrarian who couldn’t stand the government telling him what to do. As Smith says, Jonah couldn’t be a racist because they are such good friends. Ugh.

Comic book fans take heart, this version of “Jonah Hex” will fail miserably and when it does DC Comics will wait a few years, find a hot rising star and start whispering about a Jonah reboot. “Jonah Hex” is too terrific a character for the company to give up on, even when this movie version of Jonah crashes and burns.

Movie Review Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance

Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance (2012) 

Directed by Neveldine and Taylor 

Written by Scott M. Gimple, Seth Hoffman, David S. Goyer 

Starring Nicolas Cage, Ciaran Hinds, Johnny Whitworth, Idris Elba, Christopher Lambert

Release Date February 17th, 2012

Published February 17th, 2012 

Johnny Blaze (Nicholas Cage) is back in "Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance 3D." Almost abandoning any relation to the 2009 blockbuster "Ghost Rider," "Ghost Rider Spirit Vengeance" re-launches the comic book hero by rehashing his deal gone wrong with devil, the nature of his curse and his quest regain his soul. All of this info is delivered in an entertaining opening cartoon sequence that launches us right into Johnny's latest adventure.

Sadly, "Spirit of Vengeance" is far too goofy and campy to sustain the momentum from the opening credits. Once Johnny is informed of his latest mission, by the oh-so helpful Moreau (Idris Elba, slumming in this sub-B-movie), Johnny is set on a quest to get his soul back by saving the life of a child who happens to be the target for Satan's (Ciaran Hinds) next form on earth.

Standing in Ghost Rider/Johnny's way is a thug named Carrigan (Johnny Whitworth) who is oddly un-phased while facing down a flame-headed, un-killable demon. Karrigan's complete lack of surprise continues even after he gets his own disturbing super-natural powers from the lord of evil. I like Johnny Whitworth, I have since his charming turn in "Empire Records" but he's really terrible as the Devil's top henchman in "Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance."

Nicholas Cage is unquestionably the most bizarre actor on the planet. Sure, Johnny Depp has his ticks and quirks but even Depp at his most unusual cannot match the crazy vibe emanating from Cage. In "Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance" Cage truly lets his freak flag fly by chewing and spitting dialogue that would make Christopher Walken blush. There are actors in Roger Corman movies who may find scenes in "Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance" beneath their talent.

The biggest problem that "Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance" has however is a lack of a sense of humor. The film is deathly serious about the goofball nuttiness it delivers and seems to expect audiences to eat what it's dishing out without question. This leads to uproarious confusion as bizarre, laugh out loud scenes arrive that the filmmakers did not intend to be laugh out loud funny.

Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor suffered from a similar lack of self-awareness in their "Crank" movies starring Jason Statham. Both of the "Crank" movies were wildly funny without ever intending to be. It's not that the directors want to deliver Oscar caliber drama but rather that they intend on their movies being gripping, thrilling, action movies and not the bizarre unintentional comedies that they are.

There is entertainment value in the strange disconnection from reality that all involved in "Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance" suffer from but you have to have a slightly mean sense of humor to find it. Laughing at the undoubtedly hard-working folks behind "Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance" is like laughing at someone who trips over their own feet; it's not intended to be funny and you shouldn't laugh but you can't help it.

As Nicholas Cage started 2011 with one of the worst movies of that year, "Season of the Witch," Cage begins 2012 with a movie just as likely to be not so fondly remembered at the end of 2012.

Movie Review: Crank

Crank (2006) 

Directed by Neveldine and Taylor

Written by Neveldine and Taylor

Starring Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam, Erfren Ramirez 

Release Date September 1st, 2006 

Published August 31st, 2006

Jason Statham is right up there with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in the competition to replace the old guard action hero's; Stallone, Van Damme and Schwarznegger. With his two Transporter flicks; Statham established his badass credentials. All that Statham lacks is the easy charisma and sense of humor that The Rock is gifted with. In his latest flick Crank, Statham delivers yet another badass performance but the highly adrenalized Crank also exposes Statham's weaknesses as much as his strengths.

Hitman Chev Chelios (Statham) is having a truly awful morning. He has awakened from one nightmare into another as he finds that he has been killed in his sleep. A rival hitman, Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo), has dosed Chev with a poison called the Beijing cocktail. This poison will slowly snake through Chev's system until it shuts down his heart.

According to his doctor (Dwight Yoakam); Chev has maybe an hour to live unless he can keep his heart rate very high. What Chev needs are massive amounts of adrenaline in whatever way he can get it. Dying a slow death either way; Chev vows to stay alive long enough to say goodbye to his clueless girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart) and to kill Verona and all of his henchman.

Written and directed by the team of Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, Crank is pure trash, B picture exploitation. Reminiscent of a pair of 2006 chase pictures with similarly lowbrow ambition, Tyrese's Waist Deep and Paul Walker's Running Scared, Crank gets a running start and pauses only for tacky sex scenes and overblown violence.

Crank sets itself apart from the others with a pair of humiliating sex scenes that take the career of poor Amy Smart an flush it down the B movie toilet. In the first of two scenes Smart is raped on the streets of L.A's Chinatown. I say raped, the scene begins as a rape but to make the scene more mortifying she begins to enjoy and participate willingly. Later as Chev's heart begins to slow during a chase scene, Smart's character performs oral sex while Statham drives and shoots bad guys.

Smart is not the only woman treated with little regard in Crank, merely the best known. All other women seen in Crank are dressed in next to nothing and placed in plastic cubes where they are ogled by bad guys. The film also takes time to rip gays and make stereotypical use of its few African American characters. Neveldine and Talyor, I'm sure, would say they are merely being politically incorrect, tweaking the conventions of the masses and other such justifications. That would be interesting if it served a metaphoric purpose; but Crank is just a violent, exploitation chase picture, it lacks the depth to defend its anti-PC attitude.

There is no denying the badass appeal of star Jason Statham. With his bullet shaped head and intense gaze, he is beyond intimidating. Unfortunately, when forced to get to the core of a character -beyond the act of simply killing a man- he is an empty vessel. He is all physicality and no mentality. Statham in Crank is an unstoppable killing machine who takes on an occasional bit of black humor and wit but mostly is just a machine pushed by the plot toward his next violent encounter.

Crank has a visceral power to it that comes from it's propellant plot. That power however, is dissipated by the directors need to be shocking and crude. The two high speed sex scenes in Crank are gratuitous and though the plot tries to makes them seem necessary that does not change their exploitative nature. Watching Amy Smart in these scenes should be titillating; she is a very attractive woman. Rather than titillating however, I felt nothing but pity for Smart who is made to look like an even less willing version of Chloe Sevigny in The Brown Bunny.

Is Jason Statham the next great action hero? The box office will determine that. Myself? I'll take The Rock whose combination of physicality and humor is the perfect combination of action hero violence and wit. Statham is not unappealing; he simply lacks range. Watching Crank you can barely make out any differences between Chev Chelios and the character Statham played in two The Transporter movies. 

Movie Review Gamer

Gamer (2009) 

Directed by Neveldine and Taylor 

Written by Neveldine and Taylor 

Starring Gerald Butler, Michael C Hall, Amber Valletta, Logan Lerman, Terry Crews 

Release Date September 4th, 2009 

Published by September 3rd, 2009 

I was under the impression that actor Gerard Butler's career was going really well. That clearly is not the case after watching his new movie Gamer. If Mr. Butler has to pick up a role that Jason Statham obviously passed on, things aren't going that well. Ok, admittedly, I cannot prove that Mr. Statham passed on Gamer. However, the movie comes from the Crank team of directors, Mark Neveldine and Bryan Taylor.

Not to mention the fact that the role is pitched to Statham's vibe of brain free, bloody grit. Gerard Butler picks up the role and one cannot escape the idea of a not so bad actor picking up another actor's scraps. What a shame. Gamer is a dopey sci-fi action movie that thrusts its audience into the midst of a story in progress. In some not so distant future interactive gaming has evolved to an inhumane level. Real men and women are being incorporated into the gaming world through technology created by Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall). Castle is a malevolent version of Bill Gates.

Castle's brain controlling technology allows gamers to control real people. His first breakthrough game, Society, allowed the gamer to live out debauched fantasies, through real people. Castle's major breakthrough however is called Slayers, a game where death row inmates run about shooting at other death row inmates. If one inmate survives 30 battles he or she can be set free.

The star of Slayers is Kable (Butler). He had survived 27 battles when we meet him. Kable's real name is Tillman and he is surviving so that he can be reunited with his wife and daughter. Kable is controlled by a teenager named Simon (Logan Lerman) and when Simon is approached by a group opposed to Castle, Kable may find his way to escape.

I have brought some order to this story through my description of the plot but trust me when I tell you that the movie itself is much more of a mess than I let on. As with their two Crank movies, directors Neveldine and Taylor have little care for telling a story. The interests of these two low watt auteurs is playing with violent toys and reveling in human destruction.

Neveldine and Taylor have a low opinion of humanity and through their movies they choose to appeal only to the base impulses. This cynical approach is expressed through misogynist imagery and hardcore violence. Women are treated as victims and sex objects and violence is exploited and glorified in a fashion that makes you worry for the director's private lives.

Movies like Gamer and both of the Crank films are like a psychological profile of the people who created them. What they show are a pair of adults who act out like teenagers. The unrestrained id. The out of control ego. And finally, the plain and simple immaturity of these films makes you wonder if regular therapy sessions would be a better use of time than filmmaking for Neveldine and Taylor.

Not only is Gamer ugly, immature and cynical, it's also derivative. Take a dash of Running Man, cross it with Death Race and you get the bare bones of Gamer. Place big dumb action star in an inescapably violent future state. Place big dumb action star in a violent game where bloodthirsty audiences ooh and ahh. Finally, have big dumb action guy bring down the bad guy.

Whether Butler's Kable is successful in stopping the evil Bill Gates guy, I will leave you to discover should you choose to endure Gamer. It doesn't really matter whether he succeeds or not. It doesn't improve the awful, ugly mess that is Gamer. Really, nothing could.