Movie Review Ouija (2014) Dimwitted PG-13 Horror Fails to Start Parker Bros Cinematic Universe

Film Critic Sean Patrick really did not enjoy the attempt to create a board game cinematic universe with Ouja. 

Overview 

Why is no one impressed by the fact that ghosts exist? The stars of the movie Ouija suddenly find themselves in a world where the dead can communicate with the living via a haunted piece of wood and this doesn't fundamentally alter their entire worldview? If I had legitimately witnessed proof of the supernatural my mind would break. I would not be able to function. These nitwits act like this is just another day except a friend of theirs is dead. 

Plot Summary 

Debbie (Shelley Hennig) dies by suicide after a strange Ouija board incident. Her friends Laine (Olivia Cooke), Trevor (Daren Kagasoff), Sarah (Ana Coto), Isabelle (Bianca Santos), and Debbie's boyfriend Pete (Douglas Smith) use the board to contact her but instead reach a spirit called "DZ." They see the image of a girl with a sewn mouth who warns them of her mother. And, they learn Debbie found and used the board alone. Isabelle is possessed and killed. 

Laine and Pete discover the board belonged to the Zander family. They learn Doris Zander, a missing girl whose medium mother sewed her mouth shut, was used to channel spirits. Her sister Paulina (Lin Shaye) tells Laine to find Doris' body in a secret room and unstitch her mouth to banish the mother's spirit. Yawn.

What Works

• Lin Shaye - Horror icon Lin Shaye improves any movie that she appears in, even something as insipid as Ouija. 
• Olivia Cooke - Olivia Cooke has a future as a leading lady, even if Ouija does not speak well of her talent or appeal. 

What Doesn't Work 

• Basic Logic: Why introduce the rules of Ouija and then not make use of them? One of the rules of the Ouija board is never play in a graveyard. Do you know what these characters never do? Play in a fucking graveyard! Now, the only thing I can think of is: what would happen if they played in a graveyard?
• Lore: I am so sick of characters who are entirely unimpressed by the things that torment them. I realize we are no longer easily moved by spectacle in this day and age but the characters in Ouija should be a little more surprised by what they see?
• The Male Cast-members: Daren Kagasoff and Douglas Smith are basically interchangeable. Neither actor makes an impression. Forgettable would a compliment to these performances. 

Final Thoughts

If I saw a ghost I'd probably spend the rest of my life processing this previously unbelievable thing. Sure, I might have a few logical questions about how the ghost possibly exists, not a few of which are inspired  by Scooby Doo episodes, but with such curiosities satisfied I would likely move on to HOLY SHIT GHOSTS EXIST!!! GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! 

Has no one ever noticed that the only people who believe in Ouija boards are those with a little self interest tied into the board working? It's either people lost in grief, desperate to contact lost loved ones, or people who make money off those grieving folks. How has this logic escaped so many people? 

How is it that the Ouija board and other such nonsense have survived the technological revolution? Anyone ever wonder about that?

It seems that no matter how much evidence exists to debunk the paranormal or supernatural, the mind still craves the belief. It's undoubtedly an expression of the fear of death. We all want so desperately to believe in the afterlife that we can rationalize just about anything, including the fact that none of us have ever seen a ghost or a demon but so many of us choose to believe they exist. 

That's got nothing to with the movie Ouija but it was a more interesting series of thoughts than anything in Ouija. 

Rating

⭐ Rating: [0 out of 5 stars]

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If you enjoyed this review, check out my takes on other horror movies here.