Movie Review Michael Clayton

Michael Clayton (2007) 

Directed by Tony Gilroy 

Written by Tony Gilroy 

Starring George Clooney, Tom Wilkinson, Tilda Swinton, Sidney Pollack 

Release Date September 24th, 2007 

Published September 23rd, 2007 

George Clooney has long been a movie star but I have never thought of him as much of a capital A Actor. That has changed however, thanks to his terrific performance in the flawed new thriller Michael Clayton. This John Grisham-eque legal thriller allows Clooney to flex those charismatic movie star muscles and dig into a character and give a heartfelt, conflicted and oh so believable performance.

The rich and the super-rich can sometimes find themselves in situations that even their lawyers can't get them out of. That is when they are turned over to Michael Clayton. He is 'the fixer', the guy who makes problems go away. So, when the New York law firm where Michael is in business, has a partner flip out in the middle of a deposition in an extremely important case, it's up to Michael Clayton to fix it.

The partner is Howard Eames (Tom Wilkinson) a longtime manic depressive who has gone off his meds. During a deposition in a case involving a high powered farm chemical company and a group of family farmers, Howard stripped naked and began telling one of the plaintiffs how much he loved her. Running naked through the streets, Howard claimed that the stench of his misdeeds in this case forced him to strip himself of his sins. Naturally, it falls to Michael Clayton to try and fix this situation. However, when he discovers that Howard may not be entirely nuts, Michael finds his own conscience being tested.

Michael Clayton is a flawed, near masterpiece of suspense and a story of redemption for a morally questionable character. Written and directed by Tony Gilroy, with a career best performance by George Clooney, Michael Clayton suffers slightly from being overlong, just over two hours, and with just a few too many of those convenient moments where characters perform unmotivated actions solely for the purpose of furthering the plot.

A few convenient moments however, cannot upend the mesmerizing performance of George Clooney on who's work alone Michael Clayton is a must see. Clooney has always been a "movie star" but in Michael Clayton he is an actor and he delivers a tough, vulnerable character at the end of his rope. Self loathing replacing his usual confidence, Clooney's Clayton isn't quite down on his luck but he's on his way. Clooney nails both Clayton's desperation and his attempt at redemption.

One of the things I found interesting but mostly unsatisfying about Michael Clayton was the odd bit of optimism in the story. The film is about an evil corporation that will do anything to anyone in order to hide their misdeeds and the crusading lawyer who goes to any length to punish them. Though people are murdered and others are threatened the film tries to have it both ways in terms of cynical corporate misdeeds and the optimistic idea of how that evil is punished. Myself, I would have preferred an equally cynical solution to such cynical action. As it is, it works well enough, especially because of the way Clooney carries it all off, but a darker more malevolent solution might have played stronger.

Another quibble I have with Michael Clayton is a little too much tell and not enough show. We are told that Michael is a fixer for rich clients in a bind. The description conjures images of backroom deals, payoffs, and shady characters. And yet, we never actually see Michael in action. We are told how good he is, how he can slither out of any situation but that's it, we are just told. What we see is Michael lamenting his place in the world but without the example of why he so laments and it's less effective.

All of that said, Michael Clayton is solidly entertaining despite its flaws. George Clooney has never been this good. His movie star-ness in check, Clooney shows the kind of talent that people have underestimated throughout his career. Tough but vulnerable, charismatic without being overwhelming, Clooney is mesmerizing in a role that should earn him an Oscar nomination. On Clooney's performance alone Michael Clayton is worth the price of admission.

Movie Review: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2002) 

Directed by George Clooney 

Written by Charlie Kaufman 

Starring Sam Rockwell, George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Drew Barrymore, Rutger Hauer

Release Date December 31st, 2002 

Published January 5th, 2002 

You wanna know what my favorite part of the Gong Show was? Keep in mind I was too young to see the show when it originally aired. I watched reruns of the show on cable as a kid. I loved watching these B-list celebrities like Jamie Farr or Joanne Worley stare incredulously at some backwater hick blowing on comb to the tune of Oh Susanna. Then as the humorousness of how surreal the act was began to fade and they slowly raised from their seats reared back their drumsticks and banged that Gong. They would always take their time, they would look at each other to decide who was going to gong the act first before finally relieving the pain of the audience by banging away as hard as they could on that big metal gong.

At this point, Chuck Barris would stumble in from stage left and ask derisively why they would gong such an incredible act. Other than his ridiculous hats and sometimes witty one liners, I never gave Chuck Barris much thought. After seeing the film of his supposed life story, Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, I wish I would have looked at a little closer at those reruns for a hint of the guy whose life, at least as it is in this film, was so fascinating.

Sam Rockwell, best known for his bad guy role in the Charlie's Angels movie, plays Chuck Barris as a a real creep who's idea of dating is trying to kiss a girl in a movie theater while showing her his dick. A real charmer. The main interests of a young Chuck Barris were blowjobs and bar fights but eventually he settles for a career in television. Beginning in New York City as an NBC page, Barris decides to apply for a management-training course so he can impress a fellow page that he wants to score with. And he does. However neither the relationship or the job at NBC last very long.

Barris moves on to Philadelphia where he takes a job as assistant producer on Dick Clark's "American Bandstand." It's Barris' job to keep an eye on Clark to make sure he isn't accepting money to play certain records, a crime known as payola. Of course Barris could care less what Clark is doing, he just wants to get laid. Eventually he falls into bed with another Clark staffer played in cameo by Maggie Gyllenhaal. It is then that Barris meets his future wife, Honey played by Drew Barrymore. The relationship isn't much more than sex at first but it is Honey that inspires Barris' first endeavor into the game show arena with "The Dating Game."

Meanwhile, as Barris is breaking into television, he also has another life as a hired assassin for the CIA. Recruited by a man named Bird (George Clooney), Barris was sought by the CIA because he supposedly fit the profile of a killer. Barris had a penchant for random violence and was a loner with few real attachments, traits apparently prized by the CIA. As the film progresses, we see Barris reinvent afternoon television with "The Dating Game" and then "The Newlywed Game," we also see him use those shows as cover to fly around the world killing people. With the help of a sexy vixen and fellow assassin played by Julia Roberts and quasi-insane German played by Rutger Hauer, Barris claims that he killed 33 people.

I don't believe that at all.

None of Barris' fantastical stories, as adapted for the screen by the brilliant Charlie Kaufman, has a ring of truth. Each of his supposed escapades have the tawdriness of a guy who has always been able to tell a good lie. Don't get me wrong, these are some very entertaining stores, but they have a mythical feel. Watching Confessions and knowing Charlie Kaufman adapted the screenplay, I flashed back to Kaufman's script for Adaptation which was also a fantastic piece of mythology. Both films are a unique mixture of reality and fiction and the blurred lines in Confessions are just tantalizing enough to make you change your perception of Chuck Barris from weirdo creep game show host to hip Elmore Leonard-esque character.

George Clooney, making his debut behind the camera, shows just the right mixture of sure handed technician and experimental newbie. He never shows the nerves of a first time director. Clooney appears to have a clear vision of what he wanted to film and then toyed with the processes along the way. Mixing actual interviews with Barris' friends and colleagues with different film stocks and unique camera placements, Clooney directs like a kid with a new toy to play with and his excitement comes through the screen.

Confessions of A Dangerous Mind is an exciting, flashy and funny film. It's an excellent debut for Clooney behind the camera, and a mindbender for those of us who only knew Chuck Barris as the guy in the funny hats. It's unlikely to convince you that the host of The Gong Show was also an assassin for the CIA but it's not really trying to convince you of that. Rather, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind is about a director and a writer each toying with the idea of how to tell a story. From that perspective, it's a pretty terrific movie. 

Movie Review: Burn After Reading

Burn After Reading (2008) 

Directed by The Coen Brothers 

Written by The Coen Brothers 

Starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, Tilda Swinton, Richard Jenkins 

Release Date September 12th, 2008 

Published September 11th, 2008 

As a way of cleaning the fictional blood off their hands, Joel and Ethan Coen followed their Oscar nominated, blood-soaked masterpiece Fargo with the brilliant, offbeat comedy The Big Lebowski, a movie so wonderfully fun and gentle it could heal even the darkest mind. This same pattern plays out for the Coen's again with the back to back, triumph of opposites, No Country For Old Men and Burn After Reading. After going dark and broody, for an Oscar win, the Coen's did another 180 and deliver arguably their silliest, giddiest effort to date.

In Washington D.C a CIA analyst, Osbourne Cox (John Malkovich), has just been fired. In a fit of pique he tells his wife Katie (Tilda Swinton) he wasn't fired he quit. Osbourne plans on writing his memoirs, though his wife wonders, to his face, who would want to read that? Naturally, the wife is cheating on him. She is cheating with someone sunnier and far less complicated, a doofus federal marshal named Harry (George Clooney) who likes to jog after sex.

On a different planet yet somehow the same movie are Linda (Frances McDormand) and Chad (Brad Pitt). Best friends and employees of the same cookie cutter franchise gym, Linda is desperate for plastic surgery that is beyond both her means and necessity and Chad is basically along for the ride, his good nature being all that bonds him to the story.

Banging these two universes together is the discovery of a computer disc at the gym that contains Osbourne's memoirs filled with CIA secrets that Linda and Chad believe will be worth money to Cox and if not Cox maybe the Russians. Watching everything in permanent apoplexy are the CIA brass played by David Rasche and J.K Simmons who manages to bring his dad from Juno and his Spider-Man newspaper boss together for another brilliant supporting turn.

The bonds of these characters deepen in ways that are entirely contrived but who cares when we are all having such a good time. Joel and Ethan Coen establish a tone of such wonderful goofball whimsy in Burn After Reading that one forgets to fact check the movie as it goes along to make sure everything makes sense.

I have a theory about the Coen Brothers and George Clooney. After three movies together in which Clooney has become more and more of a doofus, it's clear the Coen's enjoy taking one of the world's handsomest actors and making him a fool. Like the kids picked on in High School taking their psychic revenge on the most popular kid in school, the Coen's appear to revel in making Clooney the fool and he appears to be having a ball doing it. 

The Coens make similar magic with Brad Pitt, taking another of People Magazine's Sexiest Men Alive and turning him into a himbo doofus to wonderful comic effect. Brad Pitt is hilarious as an airhead who has no awareness of his own ludicrous attractiveness. There is a subtext to the way the Coen's use both Clooney and Pitt, cleverly twisting the cool, charismatic personas of both actors into something wild, strange and hilarious all at once. 

Burn After Reading is a good natured, if occasionally dark and violent, little comedy. The Coen's can't seem to escape a slight body count and yet they still manage to keep things on a ludicrously, deliriously bright and funny tone. Burn After Reading has some faulty bits of logic and a couple of plot holes and contrivances that would come to light under more scrutiny but who cares. The point of Burn After Reading is just being hilarious. 

The Coen Brothers do such a terrific job of distracting us with goofiness and good nature that we forget the plot, the motivations, even the surprising amount of violence. The film is R-rated for violence and for something that Clooney's character builds that will either make you gasp or laugh uncontrollably. Either way, that scene alone with a smiling Clooney and a curious McDormand is worth the price of admission. 

Movie Review: Up in the Air

Up in the Air (2009) 

Directed by Jason Reitman 

Written by Jason Reitman 

Starring George Clooney, Vera Farmiga, Anna Kendrick, Jason Bateman, Danny McBride 

Release Date December 4th, 2009 

Published December 3rd, 2009 

It's a horrifying idea but I am told it is real. Companies actually do hire people to fire employees for them. It's bad enough losing your job but to have the people you have given your hard work and dedication to for however many years hand you off to someone else for the worst moment of your career is a disgusting thought. It's just the kind of cowardly and dehumanizing effect of modern capitalism that turns my stomach. 

George Clooney gives life to one of these workplace specters of career death in a snappy suit, a  and a pamphlet for a sickle. He's the villain of this story in many ways but by drilling down on this character, we don't find a villain but a lonely, sad result of what soulless capitalist pursuits can do to a human soul. George Clooney delivers the best performance of his career under the direction of Jason Reitman in Up in the Air. 

In “Up in the Air” George Clooney plays Ryan Bingham, a man who takes pride in spending some 330 days of the year traveling. He has a semblance of a home, a tidy bachelor hovel in Omaha, near the corporate headquarters of the company he works for but rarely sees. It is Ryan's job to fly into cities across the country, visit some no name corporate outlet and do the boss's dirty work - firing people. He and the company have some cruel euphemism for firing but it's a firing and it's as ugly as you imagine. 

Ryan is very good at his job, occasionally he's actually soothing which, given the circumstance, is rather impressive. Ryan doesn't love his job, though when asked to he can romanticize and defend it. What he truly loves is the travel which allows him the comfort he's never found at home. In passing relations with fellow travelers and the faux kindness of the service industry professionals he encounters Ryan finds the kinds of relationship he's never achieved with just one person. Simple relationships unencumbered by emotion or instability.

Naturally, all of Ryan's notions are soon challenged. The first challenge is personal as, while on a layover in some airline lounge, he strikes up a conversation with Alex (Vera Farmiga) over her choice of Blackberry. The conversation soon turns to travel, rental cars, hotel upgrades and all of the things both truly cherish. He tells her he has a goal for airline miles but refuses to tell her what it is. That, for Ryan, is too personal.

The second challenge is professional and arrives in the form of Natalie (Anna Kendrick), an up-and-comer from the home office in Omaha who has a plan that will take Ryan off the road and strand him in Nebraska. She wants to fire people over a computer link up and the honchos, led by a less than convincing Jason Bateman, are ready to back the idea. In defending his way of doing things Ryan inadvertently ends up with Natalie as his protégé and traveling partner as he teaches her how to do his job.

Jason Reitman and  co-screenwriter Sheldon Turner tell a two track story in Up in the Air that coalesces into one spectacular series of scenes that includes gate-crashing a computer convention and an appearance by rapper Young MC. These scenes show Ryan and Alex falling in love while young Natalie unwittingly challenges each of their notions about who they are and why they are attracted to one another. This happens as she mourns the loss of the only relationship she has known in her own life. 

Of course, the scenes that will strike a chord with 2009 audiences are scenes featuring real people who went through the pain of being fired during the bailout crisis and recession of this late portion of the decade. Director Jason Reitman hired real people who had lost their jobs to take part in these scenes and the pain in their voices as they talk about the loss of their jobs is exceptionally powerful.

The firing sessions give the film weight and allow the romance to blossom around them in unexpected ways. Scenes with actors Zach Galifianakis and Reitman favorite J.K Simmons provide the visual link between the film world and the real world. Without Galifianakis and Simmons, among others, the transition between the real world of these awful firings to the film world's comedy and romance would be too jarring. It’s among many smart choices in this terrifically smart film.

In the end, “Up in the Air” is a film about connections - literal and figurative. The unique ways in which Ryan Bingham’s personal and professional lives connect are at the heart of a film that may not strive to define the last decade of American culture but in many ways does. From our current economic uncertainty, to our ever more casual sexuality, to our changing attitude about infidelities and modern obsessions with gadgetry, “Up in the Air” offers a modest comment on each and does so with style, wit, a little romance and never feels arrogant or overblown doing it.

Writer George Will flippantly called “Up in the Air” ‘Grapes of Wrath for the service industry.’ He’s not entirely wrong. Where that book and film defined a movement toward social justice coming out of the Great Depression, inside the romance of “Up in the Air” is an inkling of a cry for a just truce between greedy corporate titans and the humans they refer to as resources. It is only an inkling; this is still a modern, big star, Hollywood production, just one with a big beating heart for those who are struggling.

Movie Review 10,000 B.C

10,000 B.C 

Directed by Roland Emmerich 

Written by Roland Emmerich, Harald Kloser 

Starring Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis 

Release Date March 7th, 2008 

Published March 6th, 2008 

Director Roland Emmerich has a track record that only Uwe Boll might envy. Based on the success of his one, Will Smith aided, success, Independence Day, Emmerich has been handed massive budget followed by massive budget to make one awful movie after another. There was Mel Gibson's jingoistic yay America, faux history actioner, The Patriot. Then Emmerich assassinated the legendary cheeseball Japanese monster Godzilla. Then he made a joke of environmental science with the mind numbingly awful The Day After Tomorrow. Now Emmerich is denigrating the stone age with his Flintstones-esque 10,000 B.C. I take that back, The Flintstones has more historical integrity than anything with Roland Emmerich's name on it.

Steven Strait, the vacant eyed, model cheekboned star of The Covenant takes the lead role in 10,000 B.C as D'leh. After his father deserted the tribe to chase the hunt, D'Leh became an outcast. Raised by dad's best friend Tic'Tic (Cliff Curtis), D'Leh lived to live down his father's shame. Thus when given the chance to hunt the massive wooly mammoth he risks his life to be the one to take down the beast. Secondary to overcoming his shame is winning the hand of the fair, blue eyed, Evolet (Camilla Bell), a transplant from another tribe that was overrun by four legged demons.

Those 4 legged demons are actually another tribe; smarter and more vicious than our heroes. They have horses. This evil tribe overruns other tribes, takes the men hostage and uses them to build temples to their pagan gods. When the four legged demons come to D'Leh's camp they kill men, women and children and take as many hostages as possible. A rare few survive and escape including D'Leh and his mentor Tic'Tic. Now they must hunt the hunters and free their people so that D'Leh can reclaim his girl, she was taken hostage, and become the leader of his tribe.

That is the plot in a linear, logical sense, and it's not bad in description. Unfortunately, as executed by Roland Emmerich and his apparently amateur effects team, 10,000 B.C plays alternately like the worst of Mystery Science Theater schlock or a bad Saturday Night Live skit. A scene early in the film where D'Leh and company hunt wooly mammoths literally features scenes of actors obviously running in place in front of a green screen. Later, the masses of extras building temples for the bad guys comes off as stolen stock footage of Liz Taylor's Cleopatra.

Then there is our star Steven Strait. Anyone who saw his work in the indie music drama Undiscovered, the film best known for the acting debut of Ashlee Simpson, knows that vacant stare and empty good looks. This ex-model leads a cast of gap ad ready cavemen into battle against what can only be described as the cast of the Arabic Project Runway. The bad guys, aside from a couple of toughs who lead the human hunting party, are an effete, pageantry loving people who mince like Rip Taylor in the New York City St. Patrick's Day Parade. Why? Who knows why? But they do.

In a career of really bad movies, Roland Emmerich has finally hit his career low. If he can make a movie more ludicrous and amateurish, I hope we never see it. 10,000 B.C is a brutal, mind numbing, unintentionally humorous trip back in time.

Movie Review Glory Road

Glory Road (2006) 

Directed by James Gartner 

Written by Chris Cleveland, Bettina Gillois, Gregory Alan Howard

Starring Josh Lucas, Derek Luke, Jon Voight 

Release Date January 13th, 2006 

Published January 12th, 2006 

Filling the yearly niche of the inspirational sports movie is the historical record of a true turning point in the history of collegiate basketball. Glory Road is the story of the 1966 West Texas University Miners who upset the powerhouse Kentucky University Wildcats to become national champions. The victory was notable because Western coach Don Haskins started five African Americans, a first for any college basketball team. If the movie were as relevant as its inspiration we might have a real winner here. Unfortunately a director for hire, working under the auspices of the Bruckheimer regime, only turns out a formula picture that hits the notes of importance and never becomes important on its own.

In 1965 Don Haskins (Josh Lucas) was coaching girls high school basketball somewhere in the dust bowl of Oklahoma when he was offered the head coaching position at tiny Texas Western University. Though the job was low paying and Haskins and his wife (Emily Deschanel) would have to live in the men's dorm, with their two young children, the job was his first chance to coach Division 1 men's basketball. He could not pass up the opportunity.

Packed off to the scorching hot oil fields of El Paso Texas, Haskins had no plans on making history. He simply wanted to put a winning team on the court. The fastest way to improve the Texas Western Miners team was to do something that few other programs in the country were willing to do. Actively recruit several African American players.

By 1966 college basketball had long been integrated but there was a basketball equivalent of Jim Crow laws in place, off the books. As described by the teams long time trainer Ross Moore, (Red West) teams, especially in the south, had African American players but usually no more than one. If a team had more than one black player they were only allowed to play them one at a time unless the team was losing. Having more than two African Americans on a team was simply unheard of for a southern school.

Haskins actively recruited and ultimately acquired seven African American players including a pair of high school superstars, Bobby Joe Hill (Derek Luke), and David Latin (Schin A.S Kerr). Texas Western first made history for being the first NCAA division one team to have more African American players than Caucasian but, of course, as history tells us, there was plenty more history to be made. As the season went on, and team and coach melded to each other's style of play, the team was nearly undefeated and finally faced off with the legendary Adolph Rupp (Jon Voight) and his Kentucky University Wildcats for the national collegiate basketball championship.

Glory Road is a typical Disney/Bruckheimer sports film. Like The Rookie and Remember The Titans before it, Glory Road has a particular formula to execute and anything else is merely extraneous. The key to formula filmmaking is not necessarily to subvert the formula, though that would be welcome, rather it is to improve upon the formula with casting and execution. Unfortunately director Rod Gartner is unable to capitalize on either of those elements.

Gartner sticks to the job at hand which is simply moving Chris Cleveland's very basic script to the screen with minimal innovation. While the basketball scenes are impressively shot and edited and move with great speed and skill, when Glory Road leaves court it's all about tugging the heartstrings. Scenes in Glory Road play like signposts instructing the audience to sigh here, laugh here, or cry here. The script banks on the real life importance of this story to give the movie gravity and in the process never earns that gravity on its own.

The story of the Texas Western Miners of 1966 is a sports and cultural landmark deserving of an enshrinement on film but if deification is Glory Road's only ambition we might as well be watching an ESPN documentary on the real team and players and save the movie theater ticket price.

A year ago Coach Carter filled the role of the obligatory inspirational sports movie. The difference between that film and Glory Road however is that where Glory Road assumes its importance from its true story, Coach Carter earned its importance with stronger characters and better storytelling. It definitely helps that in the lead role Coach Carter had the weighty presence of Samuel L. Jackson while Glory Road lives with the less impressive Josh Lucas.

Watching Josh Lucas I get the impression of Hollywood trying to sell me something. Since his breakthrough performance in the dreadful romantic comedy Sweet Home Alabama Lucas has been given a couple of opportunities to become a movie star and has demonstrated that he just doesn't have it. It's not that he is a bad actor, his performance in the little seen indie Around The Bend demonstrates his real talent, what Lucas lacks is star presence.

The rest of the cast of Glory Road struggles as much as Lucas. The young actors who make up the team are thinly drawn and fit the formula roles required of a formula film. There is the funny one, the troubled one, and the loner. With so many characters and only so much screen time the caricatured players tend to blend into one another and become forgettable.

In the role of Coach Haskins' wife Emily Deschanel seems terribly miscast. Like her more independent minded younger sister Zooey, Emily Deschanel carries an innate intelligence and presence that, in this case, overwhelms her tiny underwritten and ultimately insignificant role. Casting Deschanel in this role is a mistake not because she isn't a very talented actress, it's the opposite of that. Because Deschanel is so talented we expect more from her and are greatly disappointed that the filmmaker does not take full advantage of her talent.

Glory Road, like most uplifting Hollywoodized histories, takes liberties with its subject. While Texas Western was the first team to win the national title starting five black players, it should be noted that in 1956 San Francisco University lead by Bill Russell won the title with four African American starters. I don't mean to diminish the importance of the true story of Texas Western but as scripted the film can seem false by implying.

Movie Review Glass

Glass (2019) 

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan 

Written by M. Night Shyamalan 

Starring Bruce Willis, James McAvoy, Samuel L. Jackson, Anya Taylor Joy, Sarah Paulson 

Release Date January 18th, 2019 

Published January 17th, 2019 

As the biggest fan on the planet of M Night Shyamalan’s Split, I had a bias in favor of Glass. I was deeply excited for this sequel to two movies that I absolutely adored in Unbreakable and Split. So, for me to say that Glass is a bizarre, cheap, sloppy mess of a movie is really saying something. I tried to like this movie, I attempted to will Glass into being a good movie. I tried to rationalize it into working as a narrative. Nothing I tried worked as my logical brain overwhelmed my fanboy instinct, forcing this admission: Glass is terrible.

Glass picks up the story of Unbreakable and Split in the wake of the revelation that the two are in the same universe. David Dunn (Bruce Willis) has been fighting evil since the day he sent Elijah Price, aka Mr. Glass (Samuel L Jackson) to prison for his terrorist acts. Using his super strength and extra-sensory perception, David has turned his attention to The Horde, the name given to the multiple personalities of Kevin (James McAvoy).

The Beast, Kevin’s most violent and dangerous alter-ego, has been feeding on those who he believes have never felt real pain. He’s murdered several more teenagers in the time since we met him in Split but finally, David Dunn, known in the media as ‘The Overseer,’ for reasons never determined, has a lead on The Horde. David has tracked Kevin's location with the help of his son, Joseph (Spencer Treat Clark), to an empty factory in Philadelphia.

The confrontation between David and The Beast is cut short by the arrival of police and a doctor, Dr. Ellie Staple (Sarah Paulson). How did the police find them? Your guess is as good as the movie’s guess, as the movie offers no notion of how the police got there. How they got there with the one doctor in the world who has created a machine that can stop the superhuman qualities of Kevin and David, even though they had no idea where or who they were, is one of many contrivances of the idiot plot of Glass.

David and Kevin are taken to a psychiatric hospital where, waiting for them, unwittingly, is Mr. Glass. It seems that Dr. Staple has a very particular specialty: people who believe they are superheroes. She believes that the three men are delusional and sets out to prove to them their seemingly superhuman abilities can be explained through science. Naturally, Elijah Price, the ultimate ‘True Believer’ won’t be easily convinced.

The trailer for Glass spoils the fact that Mr. Glass and The Horde/Kevin become a team and that David and The Beast will go head to head in the yard of the hospital. One thing the trailer doesn’t tell you is how cheap and unfocused these scenes are. The final act of Glass is reminiscent of Shyamalan’s The Village, a film where the final act completely destroys what was not a bad movie until that point. Glass is bad throughout but the final fight does manage to make things worse. 

Glass isn’t that bad headed to the third act, it's relatively watchable, and then things go completely off the rails. In his attempt to recapture past glory as the king of the ‘Twist,’ director M. Night Shyamalan packs a ludicrous number of twists into the third act of Glass. There are so many twists at the end of Glass that it becomes downright exhausting. It’s as if Shyamalan was so desperate to fool us that he hedged his bets and put in as much craziness as he could think of in order to convince us that at least one of these twists would legitimately surprise us.

I mentioned that Glass was cheap and boy howdy, for a movie that is a sequel to a pair of blockbusters, this movie looks as if it were a Sweded version of a sequel to two blockbusters. Glass has one location for the most part and while it promises a big showdown at a high profile location, that location is revealed as CGI that somehow looks like a below average matte painting. The biggest twist in Glass is how M. Night Shyamalan turned a blockbuster movie into a cheap, forgettable failure. 

The number of corners cut in the making of Glass are rather shocking. The makeup used in many scenes is below average for even a modestly budgeted movie and the costumes are shockingly low rent. The production is stunningly mediocre and reflects the fact that Shyamalan no longer carries favor of a major studio, or studio budget. The former blockbuster director is now in the strictly low rent district, working with indie outlet Blumhouse, home of cheap, shlocky horror movies. 

No one was more excited for Glass than I was. I was endlessly excited for this movie. I ignored how the trailer appeared to reveal important plot points. I ignored the cheesy lines made just for the trailer. I was completely blind to these flaws out of fealty to my love for Split and Unbreakable. Glass was going to have to fail so remarkably for me to dislike it. The failure of Glass would have to be undeniable and complete and it truly is. Glass is undeniably terrible. 

Movie Review: The Sentinel

The Sentinel (2006) 

Directed by Clark Johnson 

Written by George Nolfi 

Starring Michael Douglas, Eva Longoria, Kiefer Sutherland, Kim Basinger 

Release Date April 21st, 2006 

Published April 20th, 2006

Michael Douglas projects an image of class. At sixty his stately handsomeness has an air of wisdom and strength. And yet, in his films Douglas rarely plays any character of true wisdom or class. In fact the word crass is a far better signifier of Douglas's characters than class. Look at his resume. From Fatal Attraction to Wall Street to Basic Instinct to Disclosure to his best film Wonder Boys and now his latest effort the action thriller, The Sentinel, Douglas has a penchant for characters whose penis functions ahead of his brain. It's a pattern that only grows creepier with age. When do Douglas characters start thinking with their heads instead of their pants, the guy is 60 for crying out loud.

In The Sentinel Douglas stars as Secret Service Agent Pete Garrison who once took a bullet for President Reagan. Pete has lived off this fading glory for years although it has done him little good in rising through the ranks of the service where he currently resides on the detail of the First Lady (Kim Basinger). Actually it's not a bad gig for Pete who happens to be boffing the first lady behind the Prez's back. Yeah! In a plot that makes Murder At 1600 look like Shakespeare, Douglas's secret service agent finds his affair with the first lady about to be exposed unless he can track down a terrorist group planning to assassinate the President (David Rasche).

Pete is being framed for the assassination plot by a mastermind so obvious that if you haven't identified him simply from the cast list you are not paying close enough attention. Here's a hint, it's not Kiefer Sutherland. He plays Secret Service Investigator Dave Breckinridge who is assigned to apprehend Pete Garrison after he is implicated in the assassination plot. Pete and Dave have history, Pete may or may not have been sleeping with Dave's wife. Thankfully Breckinridge is the extremely by the book type who does not allow such personal details to cloud his judgement. He also has the help of a new rookie partner, Jill Marin (Eva Longoria), who happens to have trained under Garrison.

Part Murder at 1600, part The Fugitive, and all ugh!!! The Sentinel is a creepy mess of crass commercial filmmaking from a director whose career is marked by some terrific work on the small screen and just awful work on the big screen. Clark Johnson started as an actor on TV's Homicide before moving behind the camera on that show and then on The West Wing, The Shield and Soul Food. His first big screen credit was the TV adaptation SWAT which was, at best, mainstream commercial schlock and at worst yet another dimwitted attempt to create a profitable franchise based on perceived nostalgia .

Johnson's work on The Sentinel is just utter nonsense. Johnson seems completely unaware of just how predictable his mystery is and just plows ahead with one lame action set piece after another on his way to a happy ending. Kiefer Sutherland, in his first major big screen role since he started on TV's best thriller 24, delivers a surprisingly strong performance given the circumstances. It helps that Breckinridge is not far removed from his Jack Bauer. That commanding presence and slight hint of crazy behind the eyes marks both Bauer and Breckinridge and who knows, may just be part of Kiefer the man.

As for Douglas, this aging lothario whose penis constantly leads him into trouble act is getting stale and creepy. How much longer are we to believe that every woman he has sex with is going to get him in serious trouble. He has an Oscar, lead actor in Wall Street, but unlike his father, Kirk Douglas, whose shadow has proven inescapable no matter how much money Michael makes, he's never had a "Lust For Life", a "Spartacus" or a "Bad and The Beautiful". Michael has never made an undeniable screen classic that will be remembered forever.

Would anyone really want to be remembered for Basic Instinct? And even that Oscar for Wall Street was more than a little shaky, it's not the lead performance in that movie and hindsight unkindly reflects how this was as much a win for the performance as for industry people liking Michael Douglas. Michael Douglas has many more films to make and plenty of time to find that timeless classic performance but until he does he is going to be the creepy old guy whose dick does all of his thinking for him. Not a great legacy.

Movie Review Gigli

Gigli (2003) 

Directed by Martin Brest 

Written by Martin Brest 

Starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, Justin Bartha 

Release Date August 1st, 2003 

Published August 1st, 2003 

In Hollywood history, there have been some monumental disasters. MGM's failure to recognize that the musical had run it's course led to the massive bombs Kiss Me Kate and Paint Your Wagon. The vanity of stars Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman lead to the disastrous release of Ishtar Ishtar. And, of course, the greatest disaster of all time the, the costliest bomb in Hollywood history is 1963's Cleopatra.

With history in mind, where does the Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez disaster Gigli rank in this pantheon? Though it wasn't as costly as Cleopatra or as awful as Ishtar, Gigli is remarkable for taking two very appealing actors and turning them into two of the worst, most annoying characters ever put to film. Gigli somehow cost more than 75 million dollars to make and you can't see any of that money on the screen. If you told me that there was evidence that Gigli was the result of a The Producers style scam betting on its failure, I would believe you. 

The film's title, Gigli, is pronounced Gee-ly, or as  Ben Affleck explains in an embarrassing voiceover, his character’s name rhymes with Really, as in really, really dull. Affleck is Larry Gigli, a low level mob enforcer who, when we first meet him, is explaining to a potential victim what might happen if you put a human being in an industrial size clothes dryer and put it on permanent press. Whether this monologue is supposed to be humorous or menacing is a perfect example of the numerous problems with the film, which can't decide on a tone or genre. The monologue lands in a place where it isn't funny or menacing. 

From there, we move into the film’s plot. The story of Gigli centers on Larry kidnapping the mentally challenged brother of a federal prosecutor. As played by Justin Bartha, the character of Brian is yet another of those idealized Hollywood versions of the mentally handicapped, who exhibits his mentally challenged qualities with tics and through an obsession with the TV show Baywatch, which he calls 'The Baywatch.' 

The kidnapping goes quite smoothly but Larry's mob bosses don't think he can handle the job. Enter an independent mob contractor named Ricki (Lopez). Ricki's job is to keep an eye on Larry and the kid and be Larry's love interest. Of course, that is complicated by the fact that Ricki is a lesbian. Nevertheless, the film grinds forward on the premise that Larry is so charming that even a lesbian might be intrigued enough to give him a try. UGH! 

Once Ricki is introduced, we are treated to a series of exasperating and incomprehensible scenes featuring some of the worst dialogue in film history. The lines that have gotten most of the attention are the lead up to the big sex scene. For some reason when Ricki decides, at least temporarily, to switch teams, she says to Larry, quote "It's Turkey time, gobble gobble". What in God's name does that mean? Is it a reference to oral sex? Turkey's don't gobble, that's just our closest approximation to what we think Turkey's sound like. I'm over-thinking this, but still. What? Now, in fairness, there does appear to be a scene missing that might have given context to that dialogue but even so I can't imagine any scene that would make that dialogue sexy.

Another dialogue piece that has received notice is a pair of monologues celebrating the male and female genitalia. The monologues are well thought out and if delivered correctly could have been witty, insightful, even sexy. However, as delivered by Affleck and Lopez and contextualized by director Martin Brest, they are flat, ineffectual filler. Affleck delivers his monologue through the single worst accent in film history and Lopez delivers hers with an air of disaffection that connotes boredom when it's supposed to evoke, at the least, lust. It doesn't help that Brest lights the scene as if it was a rehearsal setup and employs a score that tries desperately to manipulate the audience into giving a damn.

Speaking of the score, it's one of the classic signs of a bad movie when you begin to make not of the film score. As employed by director Martin Brest, the score of Gigli helps to muddle the film’s tone and confuse its genre classification. Is this supposed to be a comedy, a romantic comedy, a drama? Determining a film’s genre has never been important to me. I believe a good film transcends any classification. However, when a film is so confused with its intentions it helps to be able to fall back on its own classification as a way of determining the director's intent. With Gigli, it's completely unclear what anyone intended this movie to be. 

I didn't want to believe that Ben Affleck could make a film as bad as everyone said this was. Affleck has been a favorite of mine for a while thanks to his stellar work with Kevin Smith and especially his self-effacing humor on the commentary tracks of the Smith film DVDs. Those commentary tracks are as funny as the movies they are about and Affleck is especially funny. So watching Gigli is that much more disheartening. Say what you will about Daredevil or Bounce, I liked both of those films, and Phantoms is at least good for a cheap laugh. Gigli has no redeeming values at all, it's simply horrendous and so is Ben's performance in it.

Sadly, a terrible performance is nothing new for Jennifer Lopez who seems to be settling into mediocrity like a comfortable sweater. Her ineffectual pop tunes and droning romantic comedies like Maid In Manhattan are the perfect primer for Gigli. I cannot be surprised to find her picking up another paycheck as she ineffectually contorts to whatever is written on the scripted page, no matter how insane the script may be. After her work in Out Of Sight and The Cell, I thought maybe she had something but since becoming a superstar J-Lo has decided to coast on her looks and image and simply pick up a paycheck.

As for Director Martin Brest, well God only knows what he was thinking as he put this mess down on paper and then on the screen. Brest hasn't made a good film since, well has he actually made a good film? Beverly Hills Cop was good but likely would not have been without the whirling dervish performance by Eddie Murphy. Then there is Scent Of A Woman, the highly overrated film that won Al Pacino an Oscar for best actor. Coming as it did at a time when sympathy for Pacino was running quite high, people unwilling to question Pacino allowed that film to skate on Pacino's reputation and forgave its many flaws. And how can anyone forget Brest's most recent travesty, Meet Joe Black, in which Brest took the very charismatic Brad Pitt and managed to suck out every last bit of charisma in him.

So maybe the pre-release buzz that focused on Affleck and Lopez's offscreen romance should have paid more attention to the director who may skate again thanks to his being overlooked in favor of his stars. It is Martin Brest who put this mess together and directed these completely misguided performances. And yet, it doesn't appear that Brest will take the brunt of the blame for it. Which he should, this thing is his fault. Forget about Ben and Jen and the tabloid nonsense for a moment and turn your scorn toward the director of this mess. Ben and Jen aren't blameless but Martin Brest is responsible for their humiliation. 

Movie Review: Bloodrayne

Bloodrayne (2006) 

Directed by Uwe Boll 

Written by Guinevere Turner 

Starring Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Matthew Davis, Billy Zane 

Release Date January 6th, 2006

Published January 5th, 2006 

Critiquing a film directed by Uwe Boll on its filmmaking merits--artistry, narrative, acting--is, as my grandfather might say, "like arguing with a dog about being a dog." An Uwe Boll film is an Uwe Boll film, and no amount of money can turn a Boll film into a real movie. So, in reviewing Boll's Bloodrayne, I attempted to put myself in Mr. Boll's shoes and try to understand what his vision of the film was. This lasted about two minutes before unstoppable giggling set in.

Bloodrayne is possibly Mr. Boll's most amateur and accomplished film at the same time. The movie is riotously unintentionally campy and yet features a stellar cast--well beyond the talent of the director. That these actors are well beneath their parts is a given, but that each manages to look worse than they have ever looked in a film is an Uwe Boll given.

Bloodrayne stars Terminator 3 vixen Kristanna Loken as Rayne, a sideshow circus freak whose talent is that she is burned by water and healed by blood. Rayne is a vampire, sort of. Rayne is the offspring of a vampire--her mother was raped by a powerful vampire named Kagan (Ben Kingsley) and Rayne was the result of the unholy union.

Rayne has the weaknesses and strengths of a vampire but is not technically a vampire, I think. See, here's the thing about an Uwe Boll film, pausing to logically assess why his characters are as they are or do what they do really is not anything Mr. Boll is interested in doing. Thus, we get Rayne who is burned by water--not holy water mind you, just water. Rayne drinks blood for survival and cannot be out in the sun but, according to a fortune teller/plot device, she is not a vampire but a Dhampir--a human/vampire offspring. Think Blade minus anything remotely entertaining.

The legend of Bloodrayne reaches a group of vampire hunters from the Brimstone Society led by Vladimir (Michael Madsen) and his partners Katarin (Michele Rodriguez) and Sebastian (Matthew Davis). Vladimir's protégés are skeptical of the prophecy that surrounds the Dhampir, they’re looking to take out Rayne and garner any reward that might come from her violent end. Vladimir on the other hand, believes Rayne may actually be the key figure in the war between vampires and humans.

Naturally, everything comes down to a final showdown between good and evil, and a series of inept action sequences that only a director as incompetent as Uwe Boll can deliver. The dialogue is a bit surprising, as it was written by the talented Guinivere Turner who wrote excellent scripts for American Psycho and her own directorial effort Go Fish. Working outside of her comfort zone in the fantasy/action genre Turner has delivered a script that only Uwe Boll could love. Then again, Boll probably didn't care about the screenplay. 

Filled to overflow with ridiculous battle scenes and nonsense character motivations, Bloodrayne is actually a real hoot if you can step away and appreciate the unintentional camp. As Tara Reid playing a scientist was a big laugh in Boll's previous film Alone In The Dark, Michael Madsen playing a character named Vladimir and delivering portentous speeches about vampire lore is one of the funnier things in any non-comedy I’ve ever seen.. You have to respect Madsen's ability to keep a straight face in these scenes. Madsen's lethargy is all that keeps Bloodrayne from being a legendary camp farce.

The only entertaining aspect of Bloodrayne is the enormous volume of unintentional laughs it draws. I nearly had to leave the theater as my fellow filmgoers shot me dirty looks for my loud guffaws. Not that I was the only one laughing, but some people actually seemed to follow the film, which I also found hysterically funny. Ben Kingsley is a true unintended riot as the vampire king. Only Eddie Redmayne’s legendary over top performance in Jupiter Ascending can match the screen chewing of Kingsley in Bloodrayne. It is  a tour de force of unintended camp.  

Finally, pushing the film's camp quotient into the red is the cameo appearance of the brilliantly over-the-top Billy Zane. As the mysterious leader of the Brimstone Society, Zane's character Elrich is locked away from the main characters in a far-off castle, leaving him to speak aloud to himself and belt every ridiculous line of dialogue all the way to the back of the room. Zane gives a comedy cameo in Bloodrayne that blows away any comedy cameo you have ever seen. That it is not meant to be funny only makes it funnier.

Bloodrayne is nearly so bad it's good. In fact, if you are a brave filmgoer, with a strong sense of camp fun, I might just recommend Bloodrayne.

Movie Review G.I Joe The Rise of Cobra

G.I Joe The Rise of Cobra 

Directed by Stephen Sommers 

Written by Stuart Beattie, David Elliott, Paul Lovett 

Starring Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Dennis Quaid, Ray Park, Joseph Gordon Levitt 

Release Date August 7th, 2009 

Published August 6th, 2009 

It is very, very, bad form to reference the great French auteur Jean Luc Godard in a review of something as ludicrous as G.I the movie but, the great director's quote that the best way to criticize a movie is to make another movie an apt and ironic way to discuss Paramount Pictures persnickety reaction to bad reviews of their other toy based movie Transformer Revenge of the Fallen (Again many apologies for dragging you into this Monsieur Godard). 

G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra acts as a near perfect commentary on the Transformers sequel. The parallels are almost endless. You have properties based on toy lines. You have stunningly awful dialogue shouted by utterly moronic characters and stories so incomprehensible that they leave almost no logical basis whatsoever for their very existence. Oh, and don't forget the girls in the super tight clothes. The only difference between these movies is that G.I Joe knows it's ridiculous and runs with it while Michael Bay thinks he's making Lawrence of Arabia with giant talking robots. 

Stephen Summers, the good natured hack behind The Mummy, keeps things light and goofy and allows a good time to be had by all and not just those most forgiving. The plot of G.I Joe The Rise of Cobra is of absolutely no consequence. Ok, fine, here's a capsule: G.I Joe is a secret NATO organization with elite soldiers from around the world who keep bad guys at bay. The latest bad guy to step out of line is an arms dealer named McCullen (Christopher McCullen) who is grinding a 400 year old ax over the way his arms dealing fore-fathers were treated. 

McCullen has developed a weapon that is sentient and can eat all metal structures. The unwanted logical question is: Why, if he built the weapon does he then hire thugs to steal the weapon? We never knew the weapon was stolen or taken from him so it is weird to see him send people to steal it. Who knows why but McCullen indeed does hire The Baroness (Sienna Miller, every nerd's dream in librarian glasses and tight black leather) and Storm Shadow (Byung Hun Lee) a ninja.  I mention that Storm Shadow is a ninja because, like all fanboys, just the word 'Ninja' makes me giddy. 

The attempt to steal the weapon draws the ire of G.I Joe and all out war ensues in both the Joe's buried in the desert bunker and the arms dealer's underwater fortress beneath the ice caps of the north pole. I imagine director Summers and Screenwriter Stuart Beattie laughing like school children as they chose these locations, I certainly did when each was revealed. There is a definite kitsch at work here but not so much that G.I Joe becomes all out camp. It's a little too aware of its own out-there-ness to allow for camp. 

Ah, but kitsch without a doubt, this is kitsch. Just check the buck wild goofy cameo by Mummy star Brendan Fraser who appears for one scene and seems more like a reject from a Rushmore production of Apocalypse Now than the star of G.I Joe sequels to come. Fraser is the only actor truly aware of the goofiness. The rest of the cast mixes dedicated professionalism with a healthy amount of incredulity. 

That is except poor Channing Tatum whose deathly seriousness as the newest Joe, Duke, becomes the film's biggest unintentional joke. Tatum is a handsome kid but his mumbled lines and wooden face turn even his attempts at humor into the most forceful of kitsch. Tatum has a following among young girls who have only recently discovered how to properly apply the new school slang 'hottie'. New school, in that it has only been a part of our low culture for maybe a decade. 

The rest of the cast of G.I Joe seems about as in on the joke as director Sommers. The key is, their awareness never becomes irritating in that winking fashion, again save for Fraser. Dennis Quaid is among many who, I am sure, stifled giggles over his dialogue that is almost entirely exposition. Rachel Blanchard is quite the trooper selling an attraction to the mugging comic relief that is Marlon Wayans. She, naturally, has a 'catfight' with the Baroness that is pure cheesecake but also brief. Sienna Miller has the most backstory of any character and plays it to good effect, as good as can be expected of such a limited and witless script. 

And then there is Ray Park as Snake Eyes. This is the character most fanboys were waiting for and we are not disappointed. Park is already a fanboy legend as the gone too soon Darth Maul in Phantom Menace (There is a stunningly large amount of fan fiction solely dedicated to Darth Maul murdering Jar Jar Binks, not related to this review really but interesting). Snake Eyes is the brother of Storm Shadow and they battle with swords, guns, fists and feet in well choreographed battles that culminate in unexpected fashion. Ray Park has more range behind Snakeyes's leather mask than co-star Channing Tatum has shown in several movies. 

G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra shames Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen not just in its better attitude and knowingness but also in special effects, editing and sound design, the alleged specialties of Mr. Michael Bay. The effects in G.I Joe work because of the clarity and uncluttered direction of Steven Sommers who managed this same economical trick in realizing The Mummy. Where Transformers 2 is a mess of robot carcasses battering one another at an ear splitting volume, G.I Joe is fleet and nimble, keeping the ludicrous action in focus where we can actually make out who is doing what to whom. 

G.I Joe The Rise of Cobra alsi unfolds quicker and lingers on noise far less than Transformers 2. Indeed, as Godard said, if you want to criticize a movie, make another movie. G.I is the other to Transformers 2 and Stephen Summers shows Michael Bay almost every mistake he made and then proceeds to make most of them again, only with a little more style and a whole lot more fun.

Movie Review Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009) 

Directed by Mark Waters 

Written by Jon Lucas, Scott Moore 

Starring Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, Breckin Meyer, Lacey Chabert, Robert Forster, Emma Stone 

Release Date May 1st, 2009 

Published April 30th, 2009 

In this day and age of mass media marketing it is almost impossible for even the most objective of critics to not form some opinion of a movie before having seen it. Featurettes, commercials, and film trailers and posters are splattered over every inch of the internet and TV. Movie Stars appear on TV talk shows with clips and follow that with a podcast and an audio trailer.

Thus, I was exposed to the terrifically awful trailer for the Matthew McConaughey movie Ghosts of Girlfriends past more than 6 months ago and the stream of promotion has been unfailingly ever present  ever since. The subsequent clips, commercials and trailers have been as bad or worse than that first trailer and I must be honest and admit that I was bracing for a disaster when I finally saw the movie.

These many promotions for the film offer a seriously dopey series of rom-com clichés pitched to the plot of Dickens' A Christmas Carol and a super generic pop soundtrack. Matthew McConaughey's recent track record of bad movie after bad movie does the film's reputation no favors either. So, imagine my surprise when first I chuckled and then laughed out loud and was eventually kind of taken in by this admittedly cheesy but undeniably compelling romantic comedy. Don't get me wrong, this is not a really good movie but it succeeds for not being nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

Connor Mead (McConaughey) is a world famous photographer whose string of sexual encounters would cause Wilt Chamberlain to advise a nap. Having lost his parents when he was just 7 years old, Connor and his younger brother Paul (Breckin Meyer) were raised by their playboy uncle Wayne (Michael Douglas). It was Uncle Wayne who taught Connor to treat women as he does and it will be Uncle Wayne who will teach him the error of his ways.

Conor is attending Paul's wedding to Sandra (Lacey Chabert) where he encounters the one girl who really ever got to him, Jenny (Jennifer Garner). The encounter sends Connor on a bit of a binge and soon he is seeing ghosts. First, it's the ghost of his late Uncle who lays out the plot: Connor will be visited by three other ghosts, each representing the women who Connor's womanizing ways have victimized.

Say, doesn't that three ghosts thing sound familiar? Of course it does, it's Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Instead of the miserly money grubbing Scrooge we have the sex addicted misogynist Connor. In place of his late partner Marley and his rattling chains we have Connor's mentor Uncle Wayne with his glass of whiskey with ice clinking in the glass. The copied plot offers the opportunity for the film to be lazy and at times it is, especially when establishing a timeline for Connor's life. However, thanks to the committed and forthright performance of McConaughey, a lot of the film's troubles go by the wayside.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is a little coy about exploring what a bastard Connor truly is, the best and lamest example has him breaking up with three girls at once over a conference call while his next conquest watches from his bed. The scene is played for awkward laughs rather than an ominous sign of Connor's troubled soul and the conflict fails to develop. Much of the first act struggles this way but once Emma Stone arrives as the first of three ghosts and Connor is forced to see the wreckage of his life things take a surprisingly compelling turn. Also helping things along is the chemistry between McConaughey and Garner as the one woman who ever to called Connor on his garbage.

Romantic comedy convention will require Connor to be reformed and for he and Jenny to fall in love. What director Mark Waters does well is keep the typical roadblocks thrown in front of them believable enough to distract from the inevitability. Then it becomes the job of the actors to make us want to see them together and McConaughey and Garner pull that off splendidly. Garner's Jenny is just the kind of girl to make a bad dog go good and McConaughey's believable turn from scumbag to reformed good guy is shockingly plausible.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is a highly flawed film but, by the standard of your average romantic comedy, it's not that bad. Low expectations based on the awful marketing campaign have certainly helped me to this relatively positive conclusion, but nevertheless, I can't pretend I didn't enjoy Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. 

Movie Review Ghost Ship

Ghost Ship (2002) 

Directed by Steve Beck 

Written by Mark Hanlon, John Pogue 

Starring Julianna Margulies, Ron Eldard, Desmond Harrington, Isaiah Washington, Gabriel Byrne 

Release Date October 25th, 2002 

Published October 24th, 2002 

In the last couple years the Halloween Box Office has been quite a let down for horror fans. A year ago it was the dreadfully bad Thirteen Ghosts. In 2000, the awful Blair Witch sequel, Book of Secrets, ruined the franchise. Finally, in '99 there was the not-so-bad House On Haunted Hill, though I stretch to call that a real horror film, it's more of a parody. This year we get our first quality horror release on a Halloween weekend in forever. And yes, I realize I'm stretching the word 'quality' to its absolute breaking point. Ghost Ship has the atmosphere and gore of the best horror films even while having the generic storytelling of some of the worst horror films.

Ghost Ship stars Julianna Marguilies as Epps, a tough as nails co-owner of a salvage tug. Her partner is Gabriel Byrne's Murphy, your typical been-there-done-that salty dog of the sea. Murphy has been on the ocean since he was conceived. They and their crew of doomed character actors, Dodge (Ron Eldard), Greer (Isaiah Washington) and Santos (Alex Dimitriades), are approached by a weather pilot named Ferriman (Desmond Herrington). 

The pilot has found a ship that he believes to be abandoned and he claims that he will tell the crew how to find it for a cut of the salvage. Epps and company agree and the crew, along with Ferriman, go in search of this surprisingly large ship, the Antonia Graza, an Italian ocean liner, missing since its launch in 1966. While everyone is concerned about how a ship of that size could go unclaimed, they agree that "finders keepers'' is the rule of the sea and prepare to tow it to shore and claim their bounty. However before they can claim the ship they must repair it and their own conveniently damaged ship, which means one night on the creepy ocean liner.

Of course, from here strange things begin to happen, each crew member begins to encounter ghosts. Epps is visited by the ghost of a little girl who may or may not be a distant relative. Murphy meets the ghost of the ship's captain who tips him off to the fate of his crew. And Greer has a very interesting encounter with a sexy chanteuse in the ship's gorgeous ballroom. From there each character will be led to their death or potential death depending upon their billing. That said, Ghost Ship isn't about where the film is going, it's about how it gets there. And it's the getting there in Ghost Ship that is a stylish and visually-dazzling ride with a surprising amount of mystery and suspense.

My favorite part of Ghost Ship is the opening 10 minutes. As the film begins we meet the guests and crew of the Antonia Graza on its maiden voyage from Italy to America. The grisly deaths of the passengers is shocking and gory and deserving of a place in horror history as one the most memorable horror visuals of all time. Director Steve Beck, who also directed last year's Thirteen Ghosts, a much lesser movie, shows a real flair for set design and effects. Though Thirteen Ghosts was an awful film, it had its moments of visual splendor.

The surprising thing about Ghost Ship for me is how efficiently the film builds suspense via its excellent score. Composer John Frizzel, a veteran of horror films such as I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Thirteen Ghosts, and Alien Resurrection, deftly combines horror screeches with the diva-esque singing of the luxury liner's singer and ghostly murderess Francesca Rettondini. Her haunting voice comes and goes throughout the film as an audible clue of the horror to come. Also credit must go to Cinematographer Gale Tattersall and Production Designer Graham Walker for giving the film a unique visual canvas that actually improves the film's generic story and performances.

It's a recent trend amongst horror films where production design has become as important or in this case more important than story and acting. The same could be said of Fear Dot Com, The Ring and even the most recent entries in the Friday the 13th and Halloween franchises. It doesn't work often but when it does, as it does in Ghost Ship, it is spectacular and makes an average horror movie an above average entertainment.

Movie Review Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider (2007) 

Directed by Mark Steven Johnson 

Written by Mark Steven Johnson 

Starring Nicolas Cage, Eva Mendes, Wes Bentley, Sam Elliott, Peter Fonda 

Release Date February 16th, 2007

Published February 15th, 2007

Hiring Nicolas Cage to play Ghost Rider is strange for a few different reasons. The oddest thing about the choice of Nicolas Cage for this role is that he is simply too big a star for this. Any film producer would tell you that you don't hire a well known star like Nicolas Cage and then cover his face with computer generated effects. 

Ghost Rider requires that the star, in some of the movie's biggest and most important scenes, will be covered by CGI bones and flames. This is natural for a lesser known actor, not for one as well known as Nic Cage. Nevertheless, Cage campaigned for the role and got it and now Ghost Rider is out there and though Cage is missing from some of the film's biggest moments, I can't imagine the movie being as fun or entertaining without him.

When Johnny Blaze (Matt Long) was a kid riding motorcycles in carnivals with his dad, Barton (Brett Cullen), he made a deal with the devil (Peter Fonda). Johnny's father was sick and dying so Johnny made a deal that he thought would save his dad's life. In exchange rescuing Dad, the devil told Johnny that some time in the future he would return to collect on Johnny's debt.

Nearly 30 years later, Johnny (Nicolas Cage) is a world famous motorcycle stunt rider. His jumps over lines of cars, trucks, even helicopters are pay per view sensations. The life he gave up after selling his soul seems to be coming back into focus as  his childhood sweetheart Roxy (Eva Mendes), who he had once planned to run away with, comes back into his life.

The sparks ignite once again between Johnny and Roxy but unfortunately it is then that the devil returns to collect his debt. Seems the devil's own son, Blackheart (Wes Bentley), has escaped from hell and is planning on taking over the world. It will be Johnny's job as the devil's new bounty hunter to bring down Blackheart before he can get his hands on a legendary contract full of souls that could destroy the world. Thus, Johnny becomes the Ghost Rider, a flame skulled super-hero who does the devil's dirty work. Riding a flaming motorcycle and carrying a flaming chain, Ghost Rider battles evil and collects their souls for Satan.

Directed by Mark Steven Johnson, the man behind Marvel's Daredevil movie, Ghost Rider is a big time action spectacle with outsized special effects and a good deal of goofiness. Johnson knows this material well, he is clearly a fan of the comics, and his love for the material really shines through. The detail and the humor of Ghost Rider comes from Johnson's familiarity with the material and a bit of his own wit. The effects of Ghost Rider, headed up by special effects supervisor Kevin Mack, leading a team from Sony Imageworks, are exceptional. The flaming skull, the flaming motorcycle, and Ghost Rider's fiery ride up the side of a skyscraper are all very impressive computer generated effects.

Nicolas Cage campaigned hard for the role of Johnny Blaze and got it despite the fact that it was written initially for a much younger actor. Cage is a huge fan of Ghost Rider and even had to have a Ghost Rider tattoo on his arm covered with make-up for the movie. Cage brings a sardonic, off kilter charm to Ghost Rider and Johnny Blaze. The fact that the character loves Jelly Beans and Karen Carpenter are odd character details that Cage plays with gusto.

Less interesting is the supporting cast who, aside from Donal Logue's comic relief as Cage's pal, are underwhelming. Eva Mendes is smokin' hot but in an underwritten role she struggles for screen time and is made to look foolish in more than one scene. She, at least, comes off better than Wes Bentley as the film's villain. The American Beauty actor, who has done little since that Oscar winner in 1999, is too slight and affected to be a believable foe for the powerful Ghost Rider. Essentially, Cage's charisma and star power blows Bentley off the screen.

Ghost Rider is flawed and is certainly not in the class of comic book legends like Spiderman or Batman but it is a rollicking, exciting action adventure B-movie. Nicolas Cage is a big star, bigger than the character he plays, and he makes this unusual role work with quirky details and comic book cool. Ghost Rider is funny and exciting, even a little scary for younger audiences. Most important, Ghost Rider is just damn entertaining and that is what it's all about.

Movie Review: Secretary

Secretary (2002) 

Directed by Steven Shainberg 

Written by Erin Cressida Wilson 

Starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, James Spader, Jeremy Davies, Leslie Ann Warren 

Release Date September 20th, 2002 

Published September 19th, 2002 

Recently, I have come to hate even the idea of a romantic comedy. The genre's many conventions and classic elements have overwhelmed any film tagged with the romantic comedy label. Take for instance the Resse Witherspoon romantic comedy Sweet Home Alabama, which seems as if it were assembled in a romantic comedy factory. Every element of that film was clipped from previous films in the genre and pasted together under a new title with a big star's name attached to the poster. However, just when I have lost all faith in movie romance comes a most unlikely romantic comedy called Secretary. This is by no means a traditional romantic comedy, but it does have both comedy and a very unique romance.

In Secretary Maggie Gyllenhaal plays Lee Holloway, a troubled young woman just out of the hospital after what was believed to be a suicide attempt. Lee is looking for a way out from under her dysfunctional family which includes an alcoholic father (Stephen McHattie) and her overprotective mother (Leslie Ann Warren). Lee has taken to cutting herself with knives and needles as a way of dealing with her parents' constant arguing; the apparent suicide attempt may not actually have been suicide but rather an accident while cutting. Lee is still trying to figure herself out but she seems to take pleasure from hurting herself.

One way for Lee to get away from her parents may be to marry an ex-high school friend named Peter (Jeremy Davies) or she could get a job and make her own way. Lee decides to get a job and, using her amazingly fast typing skills, Lee lands a job as a secretary for a lawyer named E. Edward Grey (James Spader). It doesn't take long before Lee figures out that there is something unusual about her new boss who seems quite particular about the order of the office. When Edward catches Lee cutting herself, he orders her never to do it again and his forcefulness begins a strange sort of courting that includes sado-masochistic punishments for mistakes--which Lee makes a lot of once she realizes how much she enjoys it.

Secretary is so unique and funny that you laugh at things you once may have thought shocking or even appalling. The performances by Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader are pitch perfect which helps the audience to accept the weird behavior. Though Spader has been criticized for too often trading on his creepy persona that he has cultivated throughout his career, I found it interesting to see him make that creepiness a likable trait for once.

Director Steve Shainberg does an excellent job of combining likable performances with difficult material. It's likely that if Secretary were made without the amazing lead performances of Gyllenhaal and Spader it wouldn't have worked. Even when the film seems to fly off the rails in the last 20 minutes, the actors save it with their endlessly likable performances and fiery chemistry. In a year light on good comedy, Secretary is a standout. The material might not appeal to all audiences, but the actors will--if you give them the chance.

The Medallion

The Medallion (2003) 

Directed  by Gordon Chan 

Written by Bennett Joshua Davlin, Alfred Cheung, Gordon Chan, Paul Wheeler, Bey Logan

Starring Jackie Chan, Lee Evans, Claire Forlani, Julian Sands, John Rhy-Davies 

Release Date August 22nd, 2003 

As a stuntman Jackie Chan is unparalleled. However, as an actor, Jackie fights dialogue and loses badly. I can't fault Jackie for not having mastered the English language but I can fault the numerous directors who still force Chan to wrestle with not only dialogue but jokes and one liners, something that is almost as painful as one of Jackie's numerous pratfalls. In The Medallion, Jackie is once again relied upon to deliver jokey dialogue in between the fights, and though the fights are fun, the dialogue is absolutely deathly.

Chan is yet again in the role of a Hong Kong cop sent around the world to fight bad guys. In this version he's Eddie Yong and he is searching for a mystical young boy with strange powers who has been taken hostage by a terrorist named Snake-head (Julian Sands). On Eddie's side are a pair of Interpol agents, the bumbling comic relief Arthur (Lee Evans)and the love interest Nicole (Claire Forlani).

The Medallion of the title is the boy’s power source. With it he can bestow immortality or take it away. He can also use it to bring people back to life, which comes in handy when Eddie is killed attempting to save him. Not only does Eddie come back from the dead he now has super strength and immortality. However Snakehead has also used the Medallion and has the same powers as Eddie leading to climactic battle that is essentially an exercise in special effects, which really doesn't suit Jackie's more natural approach to fight scenes.

But then not much of anything in The Medallion seems to suit Jackie's talents save for the early fight scenes where Jackie gracefully works his way through henchman after henchman, barely breaking a sweat. When he does sweat it's usually fighting his way through sub Abbot and Costello style banter with Evans.

Director Gordon Chan, directing his first western feature, seems at a loss trying to combine Hong Kong action with a Hollywood script that calls for as much acting as fighting. You can see from the hack job editing that Gordon Chan didn't have a clue what to do with the film’s scripted humor which looks as if it was pieced together from the outtakes that always play during the credits of a Jackie Chan film.

The Medallion is yet another attempt by Hollywood to shoehorn Jackie Chan into American style action comedy and, like last years The Tuxedo, it's yet another failure. Jackie Chan is a charismatic and lovable actor but watching him have to wrestle with a script that doesn't suit his talents is painful to watch and impossible to enjoy.  

Movie Review: The Mechanic

The Mechanic (2011) 

Directed by Simon West

Written by Lewis John Carlino, Richard Wenk

Starring Jason Statham, Ben Foster, Donald Sutherland, Tony Goldwyn 

Release Date January 28th, 2011 

Published January 27th, 2011 

If by some chance you have managed to avoid every other movie about coolly efficient assassins who live alone like monks and share a warrior's code with old school samurais then you might find the new Jason Statham film “The Mechanic” interesting. If, however, you are like me and you have seen any hit man movie ever you will find nothing the least bit original or fascinating about this rehash of sub-genre cliché.

Jason Statham is Arthur Bishop a classical music fan who also happens to be the coldest of the cold blooded killers in the world. Arthur's specialty is hits that don't look like hits and in the opening montage we watch as Arthur murders the head of a South American cartel by making the death look like an accidental drowning. The murder is clever but more in a B-movie fashion than in the sleek, cool fashion the film seems to think it's pulling off.

Arthur's next hit will not be as efficient; he's been hired to kill his mentor. Harry McKenna (Donald Sutherland) taught Arthur all that he knows about killing people. But now that Harry is aging and in a wheelchair he has become a greedy liability to the higher ups who give the contract to Arthur out of a sense of decency and respect, or something. The expectation is that Arthur will make the old timer's death quick and painless.

Arthur has a son, Steve (Ben Foster), and though the two were not close Steve wants revenge for his father's death. Lucky for Arthur, the unpredictable, hot headed Steve doesn't know who killed his dad. Out of guilt or sympathy, Arthur takes Steve under his wing and begins teaching him the tools of the trade for a 'Mechanic,' aka assassin, a man who fixes problems.

Simon West directed “The Mechanic,” taking the bones of a forgotten Charles Bronson flick from the early 70's and taking out anything vaguely arty like the original's wordless 15 minute opening in which Bronson lays out a complicated kill and cover up without feeling the need to narrate the proceedings the way Statham's Arthur does temporarily and fitfully throughout the new film.

The original “The Mechanic” was no art-house film but it had more ambition than this knock off and in Bronson a more compellingly stoic and fascinating lead. Jason Statham's one note performance, compounded by the dull and needless voiceover, has the same lack of energy and innovation as Simon West's direction. It's a shame because Statham is capable of being a charismatic presence but The Mechanic sucks the life out of the bullet headed action hero. 

Ben Foster is the truly unfortunate one in “The Mechanic.” This talented young actor who has brought vitality and unpredictability to roles in other not so great movies like “Pandorum” as well as great movies like “3:10 to Yuma” and the military drama “The Messenger,” where he helped Woody Harrelson to an Oscar nomination, is stranded in the one note role in The Mechanic. Much like Statham, Foster is hamstrung by an uninspired script and Simon West's dull direction. 

Dreary, derivative, and deeply uninspired, The Mechanic is a complete failure. It's indicative of every other movie Simon West has directed, a dull, often insulting rehash of genre cliches, slickly produced with little care for character or storytelling. 

Movie Review The Matrix

The Matrix (1999) 

Directed by The Wachowskis 

Written by The Wachowskis

Starring Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie Ann Moss, Joe Pantoliano 

Release Date March 24th, 1999 

Published March 24th, 2019 

Keanu Reeves returns to the big screen this weekend in the new science fiction flick Replicas. That film has Reeves playing a scientist crossing ethical boundaries to use cloning technology, or something of the sort, to bring back the wife and child he lost to a car accident. The premise is interesting but the trailer includes an attempt to pretend critics like it by boasting in ads about a “92%” rating on RottenTomatoes.com that simply does not exist. As of this writing, Replicas has only one critics review, a negative review, in Spanish. 

That said, even if Replicas is a bad movie as my instincts are telling me, I won’t hold it against star Keanu Reeves. After all, there is still John Wick 3 to look forward to this year and an all new Bill & Ted movie that appears to have a clever revival idea behind it is also still to come. Most importantly, Keanu will always be Neo from The Matrix. The 1999 sci-fi action blockbuster The Matrix heralded the beginning of the end of the era when blockbusters based on original ideas were all the rage and visionary filmmakers with new ideas appeared to have a place in Hollywood.

That era is over, likely brought to the close by the very visionaries, The Wachowski siblings, whose film, The Matrix, became the last of the great original franchises. Big budget originals such as Cloud Atlas and Jupiter Ascending may have been the death knell for any original, big budget adventure without a built in audience, comic book, or novel, behind it but I don’t hold that against The Wachowski’s. I may hate both of those original flops but at least they were trying something original and bold.

In the era of the remake, reboot or comic book based blockbuster originality needs to be cheered even when it fails spectacularly as The Wachowski’s recent features have. Honestly, we should have a GoFundMe campaign or create some sort of ‘Too Big to Fail’ scam in order to fool studios into thinking those failures were hits so people like The Wachowski’s can get more chances to create something as bold and original as The Matrix was in 1999.

The Matrix stars Keanu Reeves as a part time drug dealer and full time office drone living a mundane existence. I called him a drug dealer but his trade is more in outlaw software that has the effect of getting people high. Neo himself has no use for such thrills. His life is lived in the secret places of the internet where, as a hacker, he tracks the strange movements of a vigilante named Morpheus (Larry Fishburne) whose hacking skills have led to rumors even Neo can’t begin to make sense of.

One night Neo’s work catches the attention of Morpheus and his cohorts and they reach out via Morpheus’s second in command, Trinity (Carrie Anne Moss). Trinity warns Neo that ‘Agents’ may be on to him, a warning that Neo or Thomas Anderson in his world, fails to heed. At his office the next day, Neo is cornered by Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) who threatens him if he won’t help the agents find Morpheus.

With the help of Morpheus, Neo makes a dynamic and improbable escape from the agents. When Neo meets Morpheus he is offered a choice that became and has remained a meme or metaphor for seeing the world in a different way. Neo is offered a Red Pill that will wake him up to The Matrix and reality and the Blue Pill which will allow him to remain in his current place in the world, ignorant of reality.

Neo, of course, chooses the Red Pill and soon awakens in a pod, naked and covered in goo. His brain stem has a plug in it and his lungs are being operated by a machine until he removes the plug in a scene of modest but highly effective body horror. Neo is picked up by Morpheus’s ship, the Nebuchadnezzar where he will recover and eventually be taught about The Matrix, the machine of which he was a prisoner.

In the real world, humans are batteries within a massive machine and reality is fed to them via the subconscious. To fight The Matrix, Morpheus and his crew hack the system and work to disassemble the machine from the inside, one part at a time. Morpheus believes Neo may be a mythical savior with the power to bend The Matrix to his will and bring an end to a war most of humanity doesn’t realize is being fought, a war between man and machine.

It’s been nearly 20 years since The Matrix arrived in theaters and the film still feels like a fresh commentary on modern society. In fact, a coterie of conspiracy theorists believe that our reality is trending more toward a Matrix-esque reality due to our ever-growing dependence on the online world. Much like ‘The Red Pill’ has become a meme that has been co opted in myriad different metaphorical forms, The Matrix itself remains a strong and singular commentary on modern society.

Part of what keeps The Matrix fresh is Keanu Reeves. While some consider Reeves’ blank slate performance to be flat and unaffected, I have always felt that the film effectively deploys Reeves’ perceived flatness. Reeves is a rather perfect audience surrogate. We can project upon his blank, open, face, our own personas and interpretations. Some might consider that a flaw in that he doesn't stand out and stand on his own but, for me, Reeves’ empty vessel quality is part of the film’s appeal.

Reeves is a terrifically physical actor whose wiry frame is not so muscular as to make him un-relatable but not so average that he isn’t believable as he transforms into a karate master in the world of The Matrix. Truly, Reeves is ideal casting for Neo as he can be what most of the audience wishes we were, a handsome, world saving, bullet dodging karate hero. If Reeves played the role with a great deal of charisma he’d risk standing apart from the audience rather than standing in for us.

While I wish Keanu Reeves had more movies like The Matrix on his resume than say, Destination Wedding or Replicas, at the very least he will always be our Neo, the hero so open to interpretation and impersonation that he is all of us and none us all at once. Will Smith was initially sought for the role of Neo as The Matrix was entering production but he would have been all wrong for it. Neo isn’t a quippy, believable, world-saving, comic book hero, he’s an Everyman and while Reeves may be super handsome, his blank slate has an every man quality that is iconically Neo from The Matrix.