Movie Review Jeepers Creepers 2

Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003) 

Directed by Victor Salva

Written by Victor Salva 

Starring Ray Wise, Justin Long, Nicki Aycox 

Release Date August 29th, 2003 

Published August 28th, 2003 

I can remember clearly not expecting much from the first Jeepers Creepers movie and being quite surprised by how much I enjoyed it. What was most surprising was the character development--most horror films don't have any. Justin Long and Gina Phillips playing brother and sister in the movie was refreshing and the two had a familiar, brother sister chemistry that I enjoyed. 

Jeepers Creepers developed two likable, believable lead characters for actors Justin Long and Gina Philips. What also worked was director Victor Salva's creative homage to Spielberg's little seen classic Duel, a film that has long deserved cult status. It wasn't a great film but it had the right mix of horror movie scares and knowing humor. For the sequel, director Salva returns without any of the elements of the first film, save for a cameo by Long, and makes another standard issue crappy sequel right off of the Hollywood assembly line. He didn't even use the creepy song that was a supposedly critical part of the first film.

Traveling down a lonesome backwoods highway, a group of teenagers are singing (as teens are so apt to do) about the big game they just won. Suddenly, a tire blows and the team's coaches and the bus driver make a grisly discovery--a sharp throwing star-like device made from human flesh and bone. Undeterred, it's back on the bus and not long before yet another fleshy weapon fells the intrepid bus.

Meanwhile as the adults parse the inanity of the horror plot, a group of central casting's biggest cliches argues over things even more inane and ridiculous than the film's plot. As the kids become aware of the trouble they are in, we watch a couple of rather unintentionally funny moments as the adults are picked off one by one by the flying demon we in the audience know is the Creeper. It is not until one of the cheerleader chicks passes out and has a very convenient psychic vision that the cliche kids figure out what they are dealing with. Not that knowing it does any good.

Parallel to the kids on the bus is the story of a farmer played to great unintentional comic effect by Ray Wise (better known as Leland Palmer to Twin Peaks fans). Wise chews the scenery as his son is picked off by the Creeper in the scene that played well in small bites in the film's trailer. After losing his kid, the farmer goes all MacGyver/Rambo and sets out to kill the Creeper.

The film's big mistakes are innumerable, from script to cast to effects, but the biggest problem is the Creeper himself, who was largely unseen in the original. For the first 30 or so minutes of the first film, I thought the truck was the bad guy. In Jeepers Creepers 2there are extended shots of the Creeper's face that show him to be a 1930s cartoon character come to life. (I swear I saw this guy stalking Porky Pig in black and white.) This demystifying of the Creeper lessens his effectiveness to be scary and when he makes facial gestures and mimes, he reminds the audience of Freddy Krueger (and a far better horror film playing in the theater next door.)

What Freddy or Jason lost in becoming the focal point of their respective series was made up for in the personality department--Freddy with his horrible quips and puns and Jason's miming and head tilts. The Creeper has no such hook.

The film also establishes certain rules for the Creeper and then proceeds to defy them. Supposedly, he feeds on fear yet, when he swoops off with the team's coach, the guy had no idea there was anything to be afraid of. The Creeper murders numerous people offscreen who seem to have been clueless to his existence before he killed them. The Creeper is supposedly out for particular body parts but he still kills at random.

Pointing out plot holes in a horror film is like shooting fish in a barrel, so I must report the few good things in Jeepers Creepers 2. I really enjoyed Ray Wise's comic scene chewing; I realize that the humor his character creates is unintentional but it's still the best part of the film. Wise's character makes the films ending its most effective moment, even if it is, as I said, unintentionally humorous. The other good scene in the film is a dream sequence, which gives the characters a little plot update. It's an extremely convenient plot device, totally random and hackey from a screenwriting perspective, but it is well shot and Justin Long's cameo is a nice reminder of the first film's shocker climax.

It seems any film with a "2" behind the title has sucked big time this summer and Jeepers Creepers 2 is yet another example of that. Does this mean that Hollywood will make fewer sequels? No. Does this mean they will try to make them better? No. What does it mean then, it means there are plenty more crappy sequels to come and likely one of them will be bad enough to make you forget how bad Jeepers Creepers 2 was.

Movie Review My Boss's Daughter

My Boss's Daughter (2003) 

Directed by David Zucker

Written by David Dorfman 

Starring Ashton Kutcher, Tara Reid, Terrence Stamp, Andy Richter, Molly Shannon 

Release Date August 22nd, 2003 

Published August 24th, 2003 

A lot has been written recently about Ashton Kutcher, mostly about his romance with Demi Moore. For me though what was most interesting is that despite his successful film career, he recently signed on for two more seasons of TV's That 70's Show. Whether it's because he loves the show and his cast mates or it's merely career insurance against films like My Boss's Daughter is up for question. It's nice to see that his temporary tabloid celebrity hasn’t gone to his head. It has however gone to the heads of the Hollywood executives who leech off such celebrities to help empty their shelves of trash such as My Boss's Daughter, a film that has collected two years of dust for a reason.

In My Boss's Daughter, Kutcher is a hapless book editor who dreams of a promotion and a chance to date the boss's daughter Lisa (Tara Reid). The boss Mr. Taylor (Terrence Stamp) is a severe taskmaster who fires people for sport including his secretary Audrey (Molly Shannon) for making bad coffee. When Tom bumps into Lisa in the hallway after a rather brutal encounter with her father, she asks him to come over to her place. Unfortunately Tom mistakes the invitation as a date, actually Lisa has a boyfriend and Tom has just volunteered to house sit for his boss while she goes out.

When poor Tom arrives for what he thinks is his date he finds his boss and quickly realizes his mistake. Instead of getting close to Lisa his night will be taken up with the boss's prize Owl. But that's not all, once the Boss is gone his no good son Red (Andy Richter) shows up. He is followed by the former secretary who came to get her job back, and then it's a drug dealer named T.J who has some business with Red.

Naturally, all of these people wreak havoc while Tom tries desperately to maintain the house and the bird. Thing's go from bad to worse when Lisa comes home and Tom has to hide the various destructive elements that have converged on the house.

For a short time in the middle of My Boss's Daughter director David Zucker actually strings together a series of very funny gags. Both Andy Richter and Molly Shannon have some very funny moments and Kutcher manages to play well off of them. What the film never manages however is a consistent storyline. The plot is entirely incoherent and most of the humor is never in any sort of context, that some gags manage to work on their own is a tribute to the director who has always had a way with a good gag.

Sadly, the talented director of the gag movies Baseketball, Naked Gun and Airplane chooses to play too much of My Boss's Daughter straight. The film could have functioned on the same level as Naked Gun et al had the director simply tossed out the conventional romantic plot, put in a few more sight gags and one liners and allowed his talented cast to fly off the handle the way we know they can. 

Kutcher, Richter, Shannon and even Terrence Stamp, who's roles usually tend toward the more serious of British drama's, show a great chemistry and comic timing that with some massaging by the director could have been an effective parody. But it never materializes and what is left with is a number of funny gags, some horribly misguided gags and an ending that is an absolute trainwreck that threatens to destroy what little goodwill the film had earned.

For the talented cast I can put aside the trainwreck but the missed opportunity of My Boss's Daughter is quite sad.

Movie Review Marcy X

Marci X (2003) 

Directed by Richard Benjamin 

Written by Paul Rudnick 

Starring Lisa Kudrow, Damon Wayans, Christine Baranski, Richard Benjamin

Release Date August 22nd, 2003 

Published August 21st, 2003 

An Open Letter to Hollywood

After sitting through the Gigli's, the Kangaroo Jack's and the Lara Croft Tomb Raider's it's clear you don't care about the American filmgoer. You have made it clear that you have no respect for our intelligence, no respect for our taste, no respect period. I understand that but I still must ask one favor, if you listen to us, the American filmgoer just one time please listen to this plea. Never allow director Richard Benjamin to make another film as long as he lives. His latest effort Marci X is clearly the worst that you in Hollywood could possibly ever make, and if it's not God help us all.

Normally this is the part of the review where I give a synopsis of the plot but unfortunately, I couldn't find one. Somewhere buried beneath a series of witless skits and musical interludes is something about a rapper played by Damon Wayans and a rap record that has drawn the ire of a conservative congresswoman played by Christine Baranski. Lisa Kudrow plays the daughter of the owner of the record company who is forced to take over the company when her father has a heart attack.

That is the setup but the execution, oh if only I were using execution literally, is a horrendous satire of rappers and rap culture that is inane, offensive and tremendously unfunny. References to rappers such as Tupac Shakur, Snoop Dogg and Eminem are tossed in alongside characters that stand in for people such as Puff Daddy, Jennifer Lopez and Suge Knight. God help Richard Benjamin if Suge Knight sees this film, although that might not be a bad thing. Can you sue someone for just referring to you because the rappers whose names and images are dragged through this film deserve restitution.

It comes as no surprise that Marci X has the stink of two years on a studio shelf, only Satan himself could be responsible for this film ever making it to theaters. The film's jokes certainly show the film's age, despite an overdubbed reference to Martha Stewart's legal troubles, one scene is a sendup of Puffy and J.Lo's nightclub incident. Of course the whole thing is a horribly misconceived take on Ice T's Cop Killer crossed with the Two Live Crew censorship case both of which happened over ten years ago.

Not that a more up to date script could help this mess. Benjamin's direction is so amazingly witless that he manages to not merely embarrass Kudrow, Wayans and Baranski, but humiliate them. The stars were complicit in their humiliation but it's hard to believe three such talented performers could have ever imagined that what they were making was this bad. Proof of that is that Kudrow and Wayans actually manage to spark some chemistry when they are short-circuited by the film falling apart around them.

Roger Ebert has a line that I have cribbed a number of times to describe just how bad a film is. Ebert said of a film called Mad Dog Time that it did not improve upon the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time. Marci X is actually an insult to the very screen it's projected on. I beg Hollywood, please do not allow Richard Benjamin to inflict any further damage on the film-going public. Not many will see Marci X but for the brave fools who do, you owe it to them to make sure Mr. Benjamin never makes another film.

Movie Review Thirteen

Thirteen (2003) 

Directed by Catherine Hardwicke

Written by Catherine Hardwicke, Nikki Reed 

Starring Evan Rachel Wood, Nikki Reed, Holly Hunter 

Release Date August 20th, 2003 

Published December 30th, 2003 

I have a niece who just turned thirteen. Recently she's become moody, narcissistic and vain. Your basic, everyday teenager. She wants to pierce her ears in more than one spot, she wants a tongue ring and a belly ring and talks incessantly about boys at school, including a guy who she met who has a car. The thought of that boy and his car is more frightening than any horror film that I've ever scene.

Now having seen a film called Thirteen about a girl who looks and acts uncannily like my niece, I can't imagine a horror film that could approach what I saw in this first time feature from director Catherine Hardwicke.

Evan Rachel Wood stars as Tracy, a high school outcast until she meets a friend who changes her life. Her name is Evie (Nikki Reed) and she is the most popular girl in school. Evie is also a troubled girl from a broken home who steals, smokes and has more sexual experience than a thirteen year old girl should have. Tracy, also from a broken home, is attracted to Evie's freedom and envious of the attention lavished on her from everyone, including her younger brother Mason (Brady Corbett).

Evie herself envies Tracy's relationship with her mother Mel (Holly Hunter), so envious that eventually she starts calling Mel “Mom” and nearly moves in with the family. Evie's own home is with her flighty cousin Brook (Debra Kara Unger), a model/bartender with an addiction to plastic surgery. It's not hard to see why Evie has such a screwed up sense of self and why she projects so much love on Mel and Tracy.

As the friendship progresses, so does the teen’s experimentation in destructive behavior. While Evie seeks Mel's love and approval, Tracy has begun rebelling against her mom. Mel doesn't help matters by taking up with a former boyfriend, Brady (Jeremy Sisto), who's drug problem and abusive behavior are some of the seeds of Tracy's discontent. The kettle boils over with the reappearance of her absentee father played by D.W Moffat in an effective cameo.

Catherine Hardwicke began her career as a production designer on the film Laurel Canyon. In her first time helming a picture, Hardwicke utilizes her skills as a production designer to create a very intimate, even claustrophobic atmosphere. The subject matter is real and substantive, helped greatly by Hardwicke's co-writer Nikki Reed. It was the thirteen year old Reed, the daughter of a friend, that inspired the story of Thirteen. Searching for a way to help the thirteen year old Reed get back on track after being on the rebellious end of this same story, Hardwicke helped Reed write the screenplay that became the film.

Reed's contributions give gravity to the story. But the scariest part of Thirteen is what we in the audience bring to the story in terms of our own experiences. Everyone has a younger sister, or niece or cousin who went through similar experiences with drugs or alcohol or sex. My sister lived a good portion of this film and my newly teenaged niece is showing a rebellious side recently.

Evan Rachel Wood also brings real life experience to Thirteen. Wood was thirteen years old when she shot this film and her looks and attitude fit the character perfectly. Wood knows this rebellion, though to what extent is something only her family is aware of. Her performance is a revelation and the announcement of a real talent to watch. As for Nikki Reed, the first time actress gives a good account of herself opposite this group of veteran actors.

Finally, there’s Holly Hunter who has been skirting the edges of mainstream Hollywood for a number of years. Hunter seems to be at a point in her career where she can work when she wants and on what she wants. Her performance is passionate and heartbreaking and she is most deserving of her Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actress. This is Hunter's best performance since her 1988 Oscar nomination for Broadcast News.

It's been a renaissance recently for female filmmakers with directors such as Lisa Cholodenko, Rebecca Miller, Alison Anders and Sophia Coppola each making magnificent films. Add Catherine Hardwicke to that list. Thirteen is a terrific debut and Hardwicke is a director with a very bright future.

Movie Review: Uptown Girls

Uptown Girls (2003) 

Directed by Boaz Yakin

Written by Allison Jacobs 

Starring Brittany Murphy, Dakota Fanning, Marley Shelton, Donald Faison, Heather Locklear

Release Date August 15th, 2003

Published August 15th, 2003  

Much like Heath Ledger, Brittany Murphy is a star who was seemingly thrust upon us by the Hollywood-marketing machine. Ever since her debut as the sweetly naive makeover victim in Clueless, Murphy seemed destined for years of best friend supporting roles, and maybe a television career. Somewhere along the line that changed and Hollywood decided she would be a star. The first test of that stardom is the slight girl-power comedy Uptown Girls co-starring true star in the making Dakota Fanning.

In Uptown Girls, directed by Remember The Titans Boaz Yakin, Murphy is Molly Gunn. Molly is the trust fund party girl daughter of a dead rock star. With millions in the bank and an accountant paying the bills, Molly's life is filled with clubbing and sleeping. Molly did attend college but has never held a job. That all changes when Molly's accountant runs off with her millions, leaving her nothing.

Molly is forced to move in with friends, first her stuck up prissy best friend Ingrid (Marley Shelton) and then her non-threatening male best friend Huey (Donald Faison). Molly must also get a job for the first time in her life, which Huey helps her out getting. He sets her up in a job working as a nanny for a precocious 8- year old named Ray (Dakota Fanning). Ray is the daughter of a record company executive (Heather Locklear in a cameo), who doesn't want a nanny. Ray is the strangest 8-year old on the planet, neurotic on par with Woody Allen, a neat freak, and fan of classical music.

What do you bet that Molly's wild child will have conflict with Ray's orderly clean lifestyle? Not the most original premise and not the most original script either. This puts the onus on Murphy and Fanning to carry the film through it's dull familiarity. Neither actress sadly is up to that task. Both actresses work very hard but the strain shows in scenes of treacle sentimentality.

These problems should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the work of director Boaz Yakin who is one of the rare directors who aspires to mediocrity. His goal is the mid range. He goes for smiles where better directors go for laughs and melodrama where better directors go for actual drama. His Remember The Titans was a blockbuster that got better reviews than it deserved thanks to the charisma and talent of Denzel Washington. That film was stuffed with every sports movie cliche imaginable and topped of with more melodrama than daytime TV. The same could be said of Uptown Girls, though thankfully without the sports.

Movie Review Grind

Grind (2003) 

Directed by Casey La Scala 

Written by Ralph Sall 

Starring Mike Vogel, Vince Vieluf, Adam Brody, Jennifer Morrison, Tom Green 

Release Date August 15th, 2003 

Published August 15th, 2003

No one will believe me now but it's true. Years ago, I predicted that one day filmmaking would be completely taken away from the artists and given over to the marketing departments of major studios. They will operate without scripts and shot lists, only posters and taglines. They will thinly outline the most marketable elements necessary to sell the film to the selected demographic. They will test market everything right down to the individual lines of dialogue for the maximum marketability. Well the final product of this marketer's wet dream is finally in theaters. Grind is the very first movie made entirely by marketers and unspools like the 90 minute commercial it is.

Let's cut to the chase, it's about four guys who's goal in life is to become pro skaters like their hero Jimmy Wilson (one of the London brothers, it doesn't matter which one). They believe that if they can show Jimmy a tape of their skating he will invite them to join his tour. So like Grateful Dead fans, they begin tailing the tour in a beat up van. All the while they’re chasing female models cast as extras and just missing their hero at each stop.

Along the way there are unnecessary cameos by Tom Green, Bobcat Goldthwaite and Stephen Root doing an odd variation on his character from Office Space. The cameos do nothing to add to this mess and Green's appearance actually brings the film to a screeching halt. Green is such an oddball you must wonder if his character was a practical joke on his part that the producers didn't get and left in the film. I honestly believe Green is that smart, and I had a lot of time to develop that theory as the film grinded away through another banal skating exhibition.

I'm not sure if it was the way the film was edited or if the skating was that dull but I was bored even during what the film was all about, the skating. I haven't been on a skateboard since I was 14 years old and I broke my tailbone, but you don't have to be a fan of the X Games to be unimpressed by the skateboard exhibitions in Grind. Only a cameo by Tony Hawk shows any real talent. Of course the skateboard stuff might have been good but with the way it was shot and edited we won't ever know. What ended up on the screen was not very impressive.

Grind functions as a sports movie, it even has a big game at the end, though it's entirely inconsequential. The sports movie clichés are mixed in between fart jokes and banal dialogue about friendship and being a team.

The cast doesn't come off as badly as their skateboarding talent. Each of the four leads has a modicum of charm but any shred of good acting was left on the cutting room floor. Only Joey Kern as Sweet Lou makes any real impression, his relaxed humor provides the film’s few bright spots. Novice Eric Rivers has the film’s main role and at best I can say I didn't hate him. That said, his bland performance is exactly what the marketers were looking for, good looking, vague, banal and inoffensive. He's not so bad that it's memorable but he's not so good either.

As I write this Grind has failed miserably at the box office. It's a minor victory for artists over the marketing overlords, but they will be back. Armed with their demographics and market research.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Movie Review: Freddy vs Jason

Freddy vs Jason (2003) 

Directed by Ronny Yu 

Written by Damian Shannon, Mark Swift

Starring Monica Keena, Kelly Rowland, Jason Ritter, Lochlyn Munro, Robert Englund, Evangeline Lilly 

Release Date August 15th, 2003 

Published August 14th, 2003 

The few people who stayed to the end of the god-awful Friday the 13th: Jason Goes To Hell were treated to a finale which saw Jason’s hockey mask pulled into the ground by Freddy’s glove. It was exactly what horror fans had been hoping for especially since Jason Goes To Hell was the first time Jason Voorhees had worked under the banner of New Line, also home to Freddy Krueger. Now ten years later the horror fan's wet dream is finally realized onscreen and under the direction of Ronny Yu, its everything a horror fan could have ever wanted.

It’s been a couple years since the people of Springwood have been terrorized by child-murderer Freddy Krueger who, thanks to tight-lipped parents and dream suppressing drugs, has been banished from memory. Never one to give up, Freddy searched the bowels of Hell and found a way to get back his children. The plan is to send the Crystal Lake killer Jason Voorhees to Elm Street to kill in a way that reminds everyone of Freddy.

Back on Elm Street, yet another hapless family has been talked into buying the house that Freddy has committed so much mayhem. It’s current residents are the Campbell family, daughter Lori (Monica Keena) and her Dad, Mom it seems died a mysterious death. This weekend Dad is out of town and Lori has her friends Kia (Kelli Rowland) and Gibb (Katherine Isabelle) over. Of course there is one or more unexpected guests as well, Gibb’s boyfriend and his buddy as well as a certain hockey mask wearing weirdo. This being the film’s first kill, it had to be memorable and a scene that many have called the craftmatic adjustable teen certainly fits the bill.

From there, the bodies begin to pile up, most of them at the macheted hand of Jason, something that really ticks off Freddy who desperately wants in on the bloodshed. Bloodshed is indeed the main component of this film and there are buckets of blood all over the place. Beheadings, crushings, heads twisted off bodies, all in good fun. Freddy and Jason also spill each other's blood which for a pair of dead guys they have a lot of blood.

The film’s special effects have improved greatly over each of the series previous outings thanks to the work of production designer John Willett and art director Ross Dempster as well as an excellent team of effects artists. Of course, the best effects are Freddy and Jason themselves. Robert Englund’s Freddy is as witty and quick as ever and newcomer Ken Kirzinger, who took over the role of Jason from Kane Hodder, is everything that Jason is supposed to be. It was said that Kirzinger was hired because of his sympathetic eyes, which is curious because Jason has only one eye.

Director Ronny Yu, considered by some to be Hong Kong’s top horror director because of his cult classic The Bride With White Hair, delivers not just another slasher flick but a stylish horror classic that combines the worst of both film series with a directorial flourish the raises the creative bar beyond anything either series has done before. And Yu has done it without sacrificing history, without losing what made people follow these to characters through some awful sequels.

Forget the bad acting from the film’s twenty something cast of victims, forget the numerous plot holes, Freddy vs. Jason is pure visceral fun and excitement that, at least for fans of the genre, is an absolute masterpiece. Blood soaked fun that delivers on it’s promise and hints at a future for this crossover series.

Movie Review SWAT

S.W.A.T (2003) 

Directed by Clark Johnson

Written by David Ayer, David McKenna

Starring Samuel L. Jackson, Colin Farrell, Jeremy Renner, L.L Cool J, Josh Charles, Michelle Rodriguez, Olivier Martinez 

Release Date August 8th, 2003

Published August 7th, 2003

Can anyone give me one plausible reason why this film is related to the 70's TV show indicated in its title? Other than that killer theme song that is. Outside of the song, there is no necessity to relate this movie to that lame Robert Urich lead TV serial, other than maybe to avoid the hassle of having to explain that they are not related. Why tie the film to this sinking lead weight of a 70's TV bomb? S.W.A.T only lasted one season on ABC. It's not as if remakes of 70's TV shows are guaranteed blockbusters. That only works when you can populate the lead roles with super hot babes like Charlie’s Angels.

Then again, maybe that is the theory here, but with reverse genders. Colin Farrell, LL Cool J and even Sam Jackson to a point could be considered eye candy for the ladies. That said you could do that without the TV connection. So we are back to my original question. Regardless of the TV connection or the eye candy, S.W.A.T. as directed by cop show vet Clark Johnson is a somewhat competent action movie/police procedural.

Colin Farrell stars as Jim Streets, the same role as Bobby Urich on TV but the comparison ends there. Streets is a swat team member who joins his fellow teammates at the site of a bank robbery. It's a nightmare scenario that evokes memories of a real life incident in Brentwood, California just last year where two heavily armed men shot it out with police in broad daylight, a scenario they were rumored to have cribbed from the Michael Mann’s Heat. Call it art imitating life, imitating art.

Anyway, Street and his partner Gamble (Jeremy Renner) are deployed on the roof and gain access to the hostages being held by two more armed men inside the bank. Despite being told to wait, Street and Gamble make a move and put down the bad guys and save the hostages. Unfortunately one hostage is wounded during the rescue and the boys are rewarded with a demotion for Street and firing for Gamble who pulled the trigger.

Cut to six months later, Street is stuck cleaning guns amongst other of the worst jobs a cop can do and still be a cop. Things change though when an ex swat leader named Hondo Harrelson (Jackson) returns from retirement. Hondo's gig is to help the LAPD remake its image by assembling a top-notch new SWAT team, a team more competent and efficient than ever before. Hondo's first choice is Street, but not before he jumps through some hoops and watches the rest of the team come together. The recruits are Deke (LL Cool J), Sanchez (Michele Rodriguez), McCabe (Sports Night's Josh Charles) and Boxer (Brian Van Holt).

There’s a couple of montages of the personal lives and training sequences and one very well choreographed training sequence set on a decommissioned airplane. We then move headlong into the main plot of the film which is the transfer of a high profile prisoner, an international drug runner named Montel (Olivier Martinez). Sounds easy, and it would have been except Montel has, through the throng of media covering his shootout with police and eventual arrest, offered 100 million bucks to anyone who can get him out of police custody and back home to France.

What's surprising is that despite the typicality of the stunts featured in the film’s trailer, S.W.A.T. unfolds very logically from the opening hostage sequence to the training all the way to the final gun battles. Director Clark Johnson makes even the biggest stunt sequences that have never been seen in real life seem perfectly plausible in the context of the film. Though I must quibble with the drug dealers who happen to have rocket launchers laying around just in case they have to break a rich guy out of jail for 100 million dollars. Hey, that is why we have the willing suspension of disbelief?

Almost everything in S.W.A.T. is pro quality, especially the casting which smartly unites a number of recognizable faces both well known and the type that you know you've seen before but you've never known the name. The cast makes any of the rough spots of the film easier to take because we like the actors. Each actor is very sympathetic to the audience.

However, despite all that I liked about S.W.A.T., the film has two massive, nearly unforgivable flaws. One is its ending which goes ten minutes too long. The other is one massive lapse in the otherwise impeccably logical flow of the film. There is a decision made by one character that calls that character's sanity into question. It's a decision that is so highly illogical that it renders what comes after it ridiculous. It's one of those moments where if the character makes the right decision, the one that is obvious to everyone but him, the film would be over right then. If you can't fix a logical hole better than this, don't make the movie.

For most of the time S.W.A.T. is a suspenseful, action filled thriller. It's a rare actioner with a logical narrative thrust to it. Until, of course, the demons of film shorthand step in and ruin everything. It's a shame because there are elements of a pretty good movie sprinkled throughout this otherwise dreary television retread. 

Movie Review American Wedding

American Wedding (2003) 

Directed by Jesse Dylan 

Written by Adam Herz

Starring Jason Biggs, Allyson Hannigan, Seann William Scott, January Jones, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Fred Willard, Eugene Levy

Release Date August 1st, 2003 

Published July 31st, 2003 

The first American Pie movie flew in under the radar in the summer of 1999 and with it's combination of sweetness and sickening humor charmed teenage audiences to the tune of well over 100 million dollars. The second film was not at all a surprise when it became a hit at the box office, but was surprising because it also managed to balance the sweet and sick as well as the original. Now comes American Wedding and you might think there is no way writer Adam Herz can do it for a third time but he does, a sweet sick, funny movie that while not as consistently funny as it's predecessors is still a disgusting, funny movie with a good heart.

Wedding finds our hero Jim Levenstein (Jason Biggs) just out of college and preparing to ask his girlfriend Michele to marry him. However in typical American Pie fashion things go horribly awry in Jim's restaurant proposal. Jim's penchant for very public humiliation finds him with his pants down, Michele under the table and his Dad (Eugene Levy) accidentally popping the question for him. Despite it all Michele agrees to marry him and were off.

Back for the sequel are Jim's friends Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) and Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas). There job in the wedding will be to make sure their nemesis Steve Stifler (Seann William Scott) is kept as far away as possible. They fail that mission miserably and it's not long before the Stifmeister has worked his way into the wedding party and into the good graces of Michele's virginal sister Cadence (January Jones).

The amazing thing about this film series is this endlessly appealing cast. It's one of the great quirks of filmmaking that the producers of the American Pie films have lucked into one of the best casts ever. Each cast member is so likable that no matter how outrageous or stupid their exploits become we in the audience will forgive them anything. Jason Biggs is especially appealing as Jim. From the beginning Jim's haplessness has earned our sympathy, his every humiliation bringing him closer to the audience. Our embarrassment for Jim makes us cheer for him ever more to succeed in the end and Biggs is perfectly cast.

Thomas and Nicholas are somewhat shortshrifted in American Wedding, the plot doesn't leave them much to do other than observe, especially Nicholas who disappears numerous times throughout the film. Alyson Hannigan's role also seems slightly underwritten but in her scenes she like the rest of the cast is endlessly sympathetic and lovable.

Where the first two American Pie films could be considered ensemble works American Wedding is clearly lead by Biggs and Sean William Scott's iconic Stifler. The raging ID Stifler is in full on personality overload. Scott mugs and preens like Jim Carrey on crack. Stifler hasn't aged one day past junior high school and his hijinks are the films high and low points. If you thought Stifler beer and semen cocktail from the first film was bad, or his urine bath in number two, just wait til you see his homage to John Waters in American Wedding.

Missing from this sequel are Mena Suvari, Chris Klein, Natasha Lyonne, Shannon Elizabeth and Tara Reid and that their MIA status isn't even eluded to is one of the films few major problems for those of us who have invested in this franchise. That said the remaining cast is strong enough to carry on without them and they are helped out greatly by newcomer January Jones who helps to fill in the babe gap left by Reid and the rest.

The films staging and logic isn't as strong as the first two films. There are times when the film feels like less than a narrative or more like a series of sit comic sketches. That said, the key to American Wedding are these beloved characters and whatever the film lacks in cohesiveness is easily forgiven for the chance to hang out with these funny and memorable characters that some of us have grown up alongside during the American Pie franchise. 

Sometimes, a little goodwill goes A LONG WAY. 

Movie Review Spy Kids 3D Game Over

Spy Kids 3D Game Over (2003) 

Directed by Robert Rodriguez 

Written by Robert Rodriguez

Starring Darryl Sabara, Antonio Banderas, Carla Gugino, Alexa Vega, Ricardo Montalban, Sylvester Stallone, Mike Judge 

Release Date July 25th, 2003 

Published July 26th, 2003 

Robert Rodriguez's original Spy Kids was an ingenious marriage of kids movies and James Bond action-fantasy. It was safe enough for kids with just enough to appeal to parents and with its low budget, was a huge box office hit. The second film was slightly less successful in its appeal to wide audiences as well as box office, but was still a big enough hit to justify another sequel. That sequel is a gimmicky jump into the realm of video games, Spy Kids 3D.

You may remember 3D, the failed experiment from the 1950's and 60's that was last used to try and revive the Nightmare On Elm Street horror franchise. That film was also produced by Dimension films so maybe they just had a bunch of those glasses just laying around and that inspired them to do this. Whatever the inspiration, it was a bad idea when it was first used and with the advances in technology these days, it's a bad idea in Spy Kids 3.

As we join the story, Juni Cortes (Daryl Sabara) has quit being a secret agent and is now a small-time private investigator solving cases about missing dollies for a buck apiece. All the while his former spy bosses are trying to get him to come back and help on an important case. Juni's sister Carmen (Alexa Vega) has been taken hostage inside a video game called Game Over.

When Juni hears that his sister is in trouble, he returns to save her and joins her inside the game. Once inside it's time to put on our 3D glasses and watch as Juni battles fellow game players in games that resemble Tron crossed with Robot Jox. Juni, with the help of some other kids trapped in the game, go in search of Carmen and a way out of the game. They must also figure a way to shut down the game without releasing its maniacal creator, the Toymaker (Sly Stallone), who has been imprisoned inside the game world for years. Toymaker is holding Carmen hostage and hopes to use her to get himself out.

Also helping Juni is his grandfather (Ricardo Montalban), a former secret agent who was left in a wheelchair because of the Toymaker. In the game world though Grandpa can walk, run and fight crime like he used to. Juni and Carmen's parents, played by Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino, are nowhere to be found until a quick cameo near the end of the film. Also in cameos are a number of well-known stars George Clooney, Alan Cumming, Mike Judge, Cheech Marin and Salma Hayek. Most surprising is a cameo by Elijah Wood that was met by a surprisingly loud cheer. The cameos are the film's most appealing moments.

The 3D is an unnecessary and highly annoying gimmick, I had a headache from the first time I put on the glasses all the way to the end of the film. However, what's worse is the film’s trite family movie cliches. Where the first two Spy Kids movies were like cinematic cotton candy, Spy Kids 3D is brussel sprouts. Good for you but not very tasty. The film is filled beginning to end with after school special messages about teamwork, family, tolerance and forgiveness.

That's all well and good if it's couched in an entertaining story but Spy Kids 3D doesn't have a story. It has cheesy 3D environments that have long been rendered useless by the advances in computer technology. The CGI characters in films like Shrek and Finding Nemo are far more impressive than anything ever done with 3D. I would rather see Spy Kids in computer animation than the ugly 3D environments created for Spy Kids 3D.

Maybe director Robert Rodriguez was too distracted with his next film Once Upon A Time in Mexico to worry about making Spy Kids 3D. You can see from Mexico's stellar trailer that that film had his full attention. Spy Kids 3D is a throwaway gimmick sequel to a series that hopefully has seen its final adventure.

Movie Review Seabiscuit

Seabiscuit (2003) 

Directed by Gary Ross

Written by Gary Ross

Starring Tobey Maguire, Jeff Bridges, Chris Cooper, Elizabeth Banks, Gary Stevens, William H. Macy

Release Date July 25th, 2003 

Published July 24th, 2003 

The first trailers for Seabiscuit came in late January/early February and were not well received. They looked kind of dopey and sappy, like every other horse movie ever made. It didn't help that Tobey Maguire evoked the same winsomeness that made The Cider House Rules so relentlessly dull. It also didn’t help that the film was directed by the same guy who made Pleasantville a beat you over the head message movie, Gary Ross.

Subsequent trailers have managed to rehab the film’s image into that of the first Oscar contender of the year and that is somewhat accurate. Despite a number of reservations, I wouldn't be surprised to see Seabiscuit come roaring down the stretch in late February at the Oscars.

Adapted from Laura Hillenbrand’s surprise best seller, Seabiscuit relates the rise of a racehorse with the resurgence of an America in the wake of The Depression. Tobey Maguire stars as Red Pollard, a jockey and part time boxer who was sold by his parents to a horse stable after his parents lost everything in the market crash. Red grew up bouncing from race track to race track working in stables and riding in races while at night getting his butt whooped in bar room brawls. In one fight in Mexico, Red is beaten so badly he loses sight in one eye.

Parallel to Red's story is that of a bicycle salesman named Charles Howard who moved out west to find his fortune selling bikes in mining towns. One day a man asks Charles if he could fix a car, and though he's never done it before, Howard is ingenious enough to figure it out and in so doing found his true calling. Seeing the rise of the automobile, Howard opens the very first Western car dealership and becomes a millionaire. Though Howard was one of the lucky people who survived the market crash, his life was not immune to tragedy. While working at his dealership one day, Howard found that his young son Sean had died after borrowing one of dad's cars to go fishing. The death of his son was also the end of his first marriage.

Looking for ways to cope with these dual tragedies, Howard heads to Mexico where he meets a strange old horse trainer named Tom Smith. An old time cowboy, Smith still sleeps under the stars and trains horses not just to run races. He simply loves horses regardless of their abilities. Howard and Smith then look for a horse to run in races and find a real nag. An undersized, intemperate sire of a Triple Crown winner, named Seabiscuit. For a jockey they find the only man who wasn't afraid to ride the angry Seabiscuit, Red Pollard, and soon the too short horse with a too large jockey is running and winning every race.

The main story arc of the film is Howard's attempt to entice the owner of Triple Crown winner War Admiral into a match race with Seabiscuit. While the film posits the match up as a David and Goliath story, I couldn't help but see it as an ego contest between two rich guys at a time when people were starving. Call me cynical if you like, but as the owner of War Admiral and Howard negotiate the terms of the big race while sitting in a New York country club, I couldn't help but imagine the number of people in line for soup just down the road from them. I couldn’t help but think how truly insignificant a horse race is. 

I realize that the race was in reality very inspiring to poor Americans coming out of The Depression but in reality, they were watching one massive ego battle between two rich guys. I guess I can't feel sorry for the number of poor people who threw in their last quarter to sit in the infield to watch the match race, they gave their money willingly. However, at a time of such poverty should there have been a charge to see this race, especially when the money raised all went into the pockets of the already very rich owners? I realize politics has no place in this film’s glossy repainting of its period but if you're going to tie your story to the rebirth of the country, it's fair to take a more realistic look at this idealized story.

All that said, Seabiscuit from a filmmaking standpoint is a very competent professional production. Ross may present a glossed over version of reality but it's a beautiful rendering of said gloss. Seabiscuit is visually very well produced and far better than Ross' previous effort, the annoyingly overwrought message picture Pleasantville.

The performances in Seabiscuit are where its award chances are, especially the supporting performance from William H. Macy as the cartoony comic relief race announcer Tick Tock Mcglaughlin. As always, Jeff Bridges is outstanding and once again shows why he is the most underappreciated actor in Hollywood. Of course, Tobey Maguire is the film’s lead and though I find his dewy-eyed innocence routine somewhat grating, I don't think it's entirely his fault. The script betrays him in the hero department, painting Red as an innocent kid even as he grows into a man living in Mexico, dallying with prostitutes and fighting in bars.

Chris Cooper delivers yet another solid performance and though it may not be as memorable as his Oscar winning turn in Adaptation, it underscores his amazing range. Finally, some praise for real-life jockey Gary Stevens who plays Red's best friend and rival, George Woolf. Stevens delivers a very relaxed and real performance and his riding ability of course is well showcased in the film’s very well orchestrated racing scenes.

There are a number of good things about Seabiscuit, especially its acting. However, the falseness of the re-imagined reality of the period continues to nag at me and thus the impact of the film’s centerpiece, the match race between Seabiscuit and War Admiral, felt hollow to me. I just can't cheer what amounts to an ego contest between two rich guys no matter how athletic and beautiful the horses may be.

Movie Review Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life

Lara Croft Tomb Raider The Cradle of Life 

Directed by Jan De Bont

Written by Dean Georgaris 

Starring Angelina Jolie, Gerard Butler, Noah Taylor, Ciaran Hinds, Djimon Hounsou, Til Schweiger 

Release Date July 25th, 2003

Published July 24th, 2003 

The first Tomb Raider, directed by action hack Simon West, was typical Hollywood action. Big, dumb and loud. That the film was even mildly watchable can only be attributed to its star, the charismatic, sexy Angelina Jolie. Despite the underperformance of the film at the box office, Paramount locked into a sequel even before the first film was completed. Enter director Jan De Bont, master of the big, dumb, loud action picture and what you get is another dull exercise in Hollywood action movie-making with another performance by Angelina Jolie that is the film’s only strong point.

Lady Croft is back in tomb raiding mode after an earthquake off the coast of Greece opens an underwater tomb that once belonged to Alexander the Great. Croft, with a pair of assistants, raids the tomb and finds a number of valuable artifacts. Most important to Lara is a glowing orb of indeterminate origin. Croft doesn't get much of a chance to investigate it as she and her assistants are attacked by members of a Chinese gang who steal the orb and leave Croft for dead.

Naturally Lara escapes and with the help of British intelligence learns that the gang members were working on behalf of the world’s most wanted terrorist, a former Nobel prize winning scientist named Jonathan Reiss. The orb that Reiss is purchasing from the gang members is actually a map that leads to the most dangerous weapons in the world, Pandora's Box.

It's Lara's mission to steal the orb from the Chinese gang before they can sell it to Reiss but to do that she needs the help of an ex-flame and former army colonel named Terry Sheridan. However, Sheridan will need to be sprung from prison before he can help. Sheridan is in jail in Russia after betraying his troops and selling secrets to an unnamed enemy. The past between Sheridan and Lara as well as Sheridan's treachery add an interesting level to the partnership and Jolie and Butler have a good chemistry.

All of that setup takes a while and even as it happens, we are treated to a number of big, dumb, loud action scenes. The tomb that once belonged to Alexander The Great is completely destroyed in Lara's shootout with gang members. This sequence features some God-awful effects. Especially bad is a scene where Lara climbs a large stone likeness of Alexander to get to the glowing orb. Lara is obviously not Angelina Jolie or even a stunt double. 

It looked to me as though it were the CGI video game Lara Croft. The action sequence that followed the fight and the destruction of the tomb is just as bad as Lara cuts her arm to attract a shark, which she then punches in the face and rides to the surface. It would have been more appropriate had Lara jumped the shark. Once on the surface Lara finds her boat has been sunk and she is left floating on a piece of it for three days, the cut on her arm and the sharks conveniently forgotten.

From there it's more big, dumb action. Bullets are fired at a rate that would make our military blush and more bad CGI stunt sequences test the patience of attentive audience members. The film’s most unintentionally funny moment happens when a camera travels over the ocean, a chuckle-inducing reminder of De Bont's Speed 2.

The only appealing aspect of Tomb Raider is star Angelina Jolie. The star is the only person involved in the film who isn't on autopilot. Her charisma is undeniable and can't be reigned in by the weak script and weaker action. Her co-star Gerard Butler wakes up occasionally to spark some sexual chemistry with Jolie but he is too busy auditioning to be the next James Bond to become a fully fleshed out character in Tomb Raider. Jolie's real co-star is that silver bodysuit she wears in the underwater tomb sequence, a wardrobe piece that will fuel the fantasies of teenage boys for years to come.

For all of Jolie's effort, she never really had a chance. The producers of Tomb Raider 2 wanted a by the numbers action movie that capitalized on the video game’s built in appeal and they got it. Just like the original Tomb Raider, the sequel hits all the usual action beats that are familiar to audiences. Paramount pictures will likely get exactly the results they were looking for from Tomb Raider 2. (Ed. Note – They didn’t, much to your pleasure)

Movie Review How to Deal

How to Deal (2003) 

Directed by Claire Kilner

Written by Neena Beber

Starring Mandy Moore, Peter Gallagher, Allison Janney, Trent Ford, Dylan Baker 

Release Date July 18th, 2003 

Published July 18th, 2003 

Is it just my cynical nature or do you agree that the title How To Deal is a marketer's idea of how teenagers talk? Everything about How To Deal screams of a publicity department ranting and raving about test audiences and demographics. It plays as if there was a representative from the marketing department in the editing suite dictating where to place the top 40 pop tunes for maximum exposure.

The same could be said, quite cynically, about the film's star, Mandy Moore. From her first film AWalk To Remember to her pop albums to her Neutrogena commercials, Moore is a marketer's dream. That Moore manages a respectable performance in her new movie, How to Deal, is a sign that she is developing into quite a talented actress even as marketers attempt to manipulate her image for maximum dollars.

In How To Deal, Moore is Halley Martin, the daughter of bitterly divorced parents and exceptionally cynical about her own prospects for love. Her best friend Scarlett (Alexandra Holden) is far less cynical, she's in love with the captain of the soccer team and has begun having sex despite her friend’s disapproving, and slightly jealous, glare. Scarlett isn't the only person in Halley's life who's found love. To Halley's dismay, her father Len (Peter Gallagher), has a new girlfriend. Len, a morning radio DJ (more on that later), has fallen for his bimbette weather girl and they plan to marry live on the air. Halley's sister Ashley (Mary Catherine Garrison) is also getting married, her marriage is to a preppy rich kid played by Mackenzie Astin.

With all the love in the air it's not surprising that Halley is a little sick of it, even when a hunky friend of a friend, Macon (Trent Ford), turns his sights on her. Halley makes it clear to Macon that she's not interested. Soon after though, when tragedies begin to pile up, Halley turns to Macon for support. I won't give away the film’s numerous major and minor tragedies except to say that soap opera characters don't suffer as much as poor Halley. That said, <Mandy Moore does an excellent job of not allowing the melodramatics to overcome her character. The young actress who I instructed not to quit her day job after her first film has me eating those words with her heady performance in How To Deal.

It's unfortunate however that all that surrounds her fails so miserably. The blame for this failure obviously lies with the studio and the film’s producers who compromised the story at every turn. Every emotion is underscored with a pop tune and in every moment Moore's performance appears to chafe against the film’s obvious machinations toward a happy ending. Moore's acting belies an entirely different story, one that is slightly darker and more cynical, and likely more satisfying. 

The way that How to Deal is edited, Moore's Halley succumbs very easily to Macon. Yet, you can see where Moore and director Claire Kilner were looking for something deeper that would make her revelation at the end a crescendo rather than a whimper. Add to that an underwritten supporting cast that includes a God-awful performance by Peter Gallagher as Halley's dad and a radio DJ. I happen to work in radio so Gallagher's performance grates on me on more than one level. Gallagher has to be the worst example of Hollywood's idea of a radio professional since Dolly Parton in Straight Talk. This is a truly embarrassing performance.

How To Deal is a sad example of modern Hollywood where marketability trumps story and artistry at every turn. I hope that Mandy Moore can escape the marketers and move on to more challenging roles. I never thought I would write such nice things about Mandy Moore's acting but despite my prejudice against pop stars, she earned it in How To Deal.

Movie Review: Bad Boys 2

Bad Boys 2 (2003)

Directed by Michael Bay 

Written by Ron Shelton, Jerry Stahl 

Starring Will Smith, Martin Lawrence, Gabrielle Union, Peter Stormare, Theresa Randle 

Release Date July 18th, 2003 

Published July 17th, 2003 

Director Michael Bay cut his teeth on innovative music videos and commercials until his 30-seconds-at-a-time style caught the attention of producers Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson. In Bay, the producers saw a director who fit perfectly their MTV-style films; movies filled with hit soundtracks, quick edits, pretty girls, and massive explosions. For his part Bay was malleable, without a hint of the headstrong behavior that would take a film's authorship from the high-profile producers. 

The music video style of bay was very evident in his first Bruckheimer/Simpson collaboration, 1994's Bad Boys. Now, a mere nine years later, Bay continues in the same whipsaw, bombastic style that made him Bruckheimer's pet director and makes Bad Boys II yet another Bruckheimer assault on the intelligence of the American film-going public.

That they reteamed Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, the stars from the original Bad Boys, is the end of the praise I can give the makers of Bad Boys II. It is Smith and Lawrence's snappy chemistry that provides the film's only moments of pleasure. However, even the charming sass of the leads can't save this loud, dumb disaster.

Smith and Lawrence are again Miami narcotics cops Mike Lowery and Marcus Burnett. Mike is still the player, the dog, the trust fund baby, while Marcus is the hard-working family man forever henpecked by his loving wife Theresa (Theresa Randle; reprising her role from the first film, though only in a cameo). Mike and Marcus are tracking a shipment of ecstasy supposedly being shipped in from Cuba.  We are told that since September 11, 2001, security on the ocean has gotten tighter and the drug dealers are adapting quickly, finding new ways to ship drugs into America. In this case, a Cuban dealer named Johnny Tapia (Jordi Molla) is shipping drugs and money inside dead bodies.

Not only are Marcus and Mike after Tapia, so is the DEA, lead by Marcus's sister Sydney (the ungodly hot Gabrielle Union). Mike and Sydney have a little secret they have been keeping from Marcus; they secretly hooked up about a month earlier and the relationship is getting serious. While Sydney goes undercover inside Tapia's organization, Mike and Marcus try to protect her while compiling evidence to arrest Tapia (or, more to the point, find an excuse to shoot him.)

Indeed, in the Bay-Bruckheimer world, cops don't arrest people, they compile enough evidence for a justifiable homicide. The script is clever enough to call attention to the carnage with a running gag about Marcus's being in therapy and no longer wanting to kill people. Smith's hotshot Lowery has no such qualms about violence, taking shoot-first ask-questions-later to new heights; he makes Dirty Harry look like an expert in police procedure. 

Now, I'm not asking for realism, but some level of professionalism isn't out of the question. If police want to get upset about their portrayal in rap music, where is their outrage about their portrayal in Bad Boys II? Here, Cops are portrayed wanton cowboys who leave as much carnage in their wake as the bad guys they collar? Why is that acceptable but portraying cops as abusing their power out of line? It can't possibly be that Cops like being portrayed as Bad Boy cowboys is it? 

At a bloated two hours, 37 minutes, Bad Boys II is an interminable jumble of massive explosions and flying bullets. And while Michael Bay may feel that this is his specialty, being good at it doesn't make it entertaining. As he does in Armageddon, The Rock, and Pearl Harbor, Bay delights in blowin' stuff up good and may in fact have collected more bullets and explosions than ever before in Bad Boys II. Like an overlong Motley Crue video, Bad Boys II whips forward with jump-cut edits, fiery explosions, and busty stripper chicks, including a naked dead girl the guys stop to ogle while searching for evidence. Classy. 

I have a lot of goodwill for Smith and Lawrence and would love to see them work together again, but on a different project. In Bad Boys II, their quick, jokey banter is completely overwhelmed by Bay's over-the-top obsession with pyrotechnics.

Movie Review Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) 

Directed by Gore Verbinski 

Written by Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio

Starring Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Keira Knightley, Orlando Bloom, Jonathan Pryce 

Release Date July 9th, 2003 

Published July 8th, 2003 

It's quite clear that Disney has run out of original movie ideas. Forget the sequels on their slate (The Santa Clause 3 et al). Forget the remakes of the rich Disney backlog (Freaky Friday). Disney is now down making movies of their theme park rides. Last year, they quietly dumped The Country Bears into theaters to critical and audience indifference. Later this year, it's Haunted Mansion with Eddie Murphy. Surely it can't be much longer before we see the Hall of Presidents and Epcot Center on the big screen, provided they can find a star to put on the poster.

That said, Disney has mined one of their theme park rides into a quite successful film. Pirates of The Caribbean may be a super lame theme park ride, but as a movie it's a rollicking adventure story made all the more interesting by awesome performances of two of the industry's best, Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush.

While the thrust of Pirates of The Caribbean is set in motion by the love story between blacksmith Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Governor's daughter Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightly), the story doesn't really kick off until the appearance of the rapscallion pirate Jack Sparrow (Depp). The former captain of the Black Pearl, Sparrow floats into this British Caribbean seaport on a sinking ship with hope that he can steal a ship to chase down the Pearl and its mutinous crew. Sparrow is unable to capture a ship on his own and is captured but not before he discovers Elizabeth in possession of a legendary piece of pirate booty.

Once Jack is aware of the gold medallion that Elizabeth has, somehow so is the crew of the Black Pearl who is led by Captain Barbossa (Rush). They steam to the British port to recapture the gold which legend says can lift the curse that afflicts the crew. After plundering the British, the crew takes Elizabeth and the gold and retreat to their hidden pirate island to lift the curse with the gold piece and Elizabeth’s blood.

While the British military plots its course of action to rescue the Governor's daughter, Will Turner hatches a plan of his own. Spring Jack Sparrow, steal a boat and save the woman he loves. With the help of Sparrow's daring swordplay and cunning piracy, they capture a military boat and set off to find a crew and capture the Black Pearl.

There are a number of twists and turns from there that I won't spoil, but you already know from commercials that the curse on the crew of the Black Pearl is that they are dead but cannot die. Nor can they feel anything, pleasure or pain, rendering them unable to enjoy their plunder unless they can lift the curse. The skeletal pirates, only seen while bathed in moonlight, are a spectacular special effect, well choreographed by Director Gore Verbinski. The effects are done with amazing precision and no doubt will be honored come awards season.

Of course, as impressive as the effects are, they are nothing compared to the performance of Johnny Depp, who is his own special effect. Topped with scraggly dreads, beads and an unruly goatee, Depp minces, preens, and manages to evoke rock star attitude in an 1800's pirate. That according to Depp was exactly what he was going for. In interviews, he claimed to have modeled some of Jack Sparrow on Keith Richards. Actually, it was Keith Richards and Depp's favorite childhood cartoon character Pepe LePue. Whatever the inspiration, the performance is truly inspired and even if the rest of the film had stunk I could recommend Pirates on the strength of Depp's performance alone.

Not to be outdone, Oscar winner Geoffrey Rush preens and hams it up as much as Depp, and to as much success. Being the bad guy, Rush is allowed to growl all his dialogue and chew every bit of scenery that isn't nailed down. Rush appears to relish the freedom of playing a Pirate Captain and his excitement is part of the fun of Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl. 

Knightley and Bloom are quite a bland pair in comparison, but how could they not be? Compared to Sparrow and Barbossa, the characters in La Cage aux Folles are bland. Bloom and Knightley are saddled with the film's two most conventional roles of hero and heroine, and though their love story is sweet, it doesn't carry much weight. It’s made even less weighty by a cop out ending that is a little too tidy for a pirate tale.

Director Gore Verbinski shows here, as he did in The Ring, that he hasa steady hand and a strong eye for strong compelling visuals. Verbinski and his team creates an entire pirate universe for the film to exist within, a lively, vibrant and yet lived in place right out of dream conception of where Pirates existed. Creating such a coherent story without having to reign in his over the top performers is another remarakable balancing act that demonstrates Verbinski's talent, he makes his performers comfortable and gets the most out his crew. The best directors can do that. 

Movie Review Terminator 3 Rise of the Machines

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Directed by Jonathan Mostow 

Written by John Brancato, Michael Ferris

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Christanna Loken, Claire Danes, Nick Stahl

Release Date July 2nd, 2003 

Published July 1st, 2003 

No film has ever inspired more dread and more excitement for me than Terminator 3. Terminator 2 was the moviegoing experience that inspired my love of going to the movies. That awesome, visceral, exciting experience changed the way I looked at movies. I realized for the first time what was possible in films. The special effects were like nothing anyone had ever seen before. Those effects have since been rendered passé, but I have never forgotten the experience of seeing them for the first time. However, since seeing T2 in theaters some 12 years ago, I have only seen it twice. I can't bring myself to watch it again for fear of diminishing that first viewing. I took that same fear with me into Terminator 3.

My fears were increased when James Cameron, the visionary creator of the series, dropped out of the project and was followed by his ex-wife and series star Linda Hamilton. The fears were furthered when star Edward Furlong's real-life problems caused him to be replaced as John Connor. Then, most disturbing of all, the report that Arnold Schwarzenegger would spend most of T3 getting his butt whipped by a girl Terminator. Thankfully, my fears melted away quickly as the screen went black in my preview screening and new John Connor Nick Stahl began his ominous voiceover. That feeling I had from T2 returned slowly.

It has been 12 years since a teenage John Connor learned that he was to become the savior of humanity in a war against machines. Now under the belief that he prevented Judgment Day from happening, John lives a life on the fringe of society. With no permanent address, phone, or steady job, John goes from town to working odd jobs for beer money with the sneaking suspicion that maybe he only postponed Judgment Day.

After an accident on his motorcycle, John breaks into a veterinary clinic in search of painkillers. As fate would have it a former junior high school classmate named Kate Brewster (Claire Danes) works in the clinic and happens upon him. However, before she can alert authorities, she finds one of her clients shot dead in the hallway and a blonde red-leather-wearing killer is stalking her.

The killer is the T-X (Kristanna Loken) and what Kate does not know is that her name is on a list of people the T-X is to eliminate (as is John Connor). Before the T-X can complete her mission, it walks the real Terminator (Schwarzenegger) with the mission to protect Kate and John. After temporarily slowing down the T-X, the Terminator helps John and Kate escape, leading to a chase sequence that is one of the greatest in film history.

While some critics have complained that the sequence goes on too long, the chase seemed damn near perfect to me. Big, loud, and violent, involving a crane, driverless emergency vehicles, and numerous crushed vehicles, the sequence is edge-of-your-seat exciting and fun.

From there, we learn the fate of Linda Hamilton's legendary character Sarah Connor. I won't give it away, but for such a warrior it's a bit of a letdown. If any female character deserved a true Viking funeral, it was Sarah Connor, so it's disappointing she was lost with such a whimper. However, this series of events leads to another terrific action sequence, this time in a graveyard, with a hearse and a rocket propelled grenade.

Terminator 3 never drags and never tires. Its action propels the story forward without ever trampling the plot, which is a logical extension of the two films that preceded it. Admittedly, my memory of T2 has grown fuzzy over the years, but I was under the impression that the world was saved at the end. T3 has some logical and philosophical explanations as to how the story could continue through its use of the ideas of fate and destiny, classic sci-fi questions about whether you can alter the past or the future.

Then, of course, there is the philosophical debate about technology versus humanity. This film has a decidedly anti-technology vibe; even as the heroes are protected by technology, they are forced to fight against it. It is a fascinating debate, one the film sidesteps in favor of action and explosions, but it does spark the discussion about if or when our technology will go too far. Like a less spiritually inclined version of The Matrix, the Terminator series has some cautionary tales for our modern technological society.

Director Jonathan Mostow deserves all the credit in the world for picking up the gauntlet from James Cameron and making the film that Cameron himself likely would have made--a polished, professional action movie that is entertaining, exciting, imaginative and fun. Not only does Mostow provide the thrills, but he and screenwriters Jon Brancato and Michael Farris have brought wit as well (especially in Arnold's introductory scene set in a strip club on ladies night.)

I had every expectation that they would screw this up. That the film that inspired my love of movies would forever be tarnished by another big budget Hollywood shoot-em-up without a brain. There is plenty of shooting, but plenty of brains as well. Mostow did what I thought could not be done and nearly matched T2. It has been too long since I have had this great movie going experience and though the film suffers the loss of Linda Hamilton, it is a worthy successor to T2. If, as the ending seems to hint, there is a sequel, I will look forward to it like I have no sequel before it.

Movie Review Legally Blonde 2 Red White and Blonde

Legally Blonde 2 Red, White and Blonde

Directed by Charles Herman Wurmfeld 

Written by Kate Kondell 

Starring Reese Witherspoon, Sally Field, Bruce McGill, Jennifer Coolidge, Bob Newhart, Luke Wilson

Release Date July 2nd, 2003 

Published July 4th, 2003

The first Legally Blonde was a hit completely out of left field. Arriving in July 2001 in the midst of the big time summer blockbusters, it was allowed to fly under the radar and surprise audiences with its ebullience, humor and especially its charismatic star Reese Witherspoon. Prior to Legally Blonde, Witherspoon gave off the aura of an indie actress without a hint of Julia Roberts.

Now with Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde only Julia can match Reese paycheck to paycheck. Unfortunately, with that stardom comes consequence. That meant that this sequel, even opening against the blockbuster Terminator 3, would not fly under the radar and would arrive to the kind of scrutiny the first film was lucky to have avoided.

When the first teaser trailers for Legally Blonde 2 landed in theaters back in January they were met not with the fondness that the first films DVD release met but with a cringing unease. As much as I liked the first film, the teaser trailers hints that Elle Woods would be going to Washington seemed to strain my goodwill. Of course, it didn't help that Witherspoon's follow up to Legally Blonde was the god-awful Sweet Home Alabama. So with all this cynicism I wasn't looking forward to Legally Blonde 2.

We pick up some two years after the original left off. Elle Woods is now a successful Boston attorney planning the wedding of the century to her Harvard professor fiancé Emmett (Luke Wilson). She is also planning on being promoted to partner in her law firm until her wedding plans come into conflict with her career. After Elle decides she would like to invite the mother of her pooch Bruiser to her wedding she finds that mom is a test animal at a research lab that happens to be one of her clients. When she asks that the firm ask the client to quit testing, the head of the firm fires her.

Of course this is the same Elle Woods who managed to graduate Harvard law school when everyone in the world said no, so of course this won't stop her. With a new political consciousness Elle leaves Boston for Washington D.C to work for Congresswoman Rudd (Sally Field), who happens to be a former member of Elle's sorority. Once in Washington, Elle is met with the same skepticism she faced at Harvard as her new colleagues quickly dismiss her blondeness and pep.

Just like in the original, it doesn't take long for Elle to win over her new co-workers and soon she is hard at work on her animal rights bill. With the help of a know it all doorman (Bob Newhart in a welcome cameo), Elle learns the secrets of the Congress members she needs to get her bill passed. Using her few connections and her unique sensibility for schmoozing, Elle wins over another former sorority sister turned crusty congresswoman and a right wing NRA Southern Republican (Bruce McGill) who also happens to be a real dog lover.

The film plays out in the same underdog style as the first film with our ever optimistic heroine confounding her cynical opponents with her kill'em with kindness attitude. That is the great thing about this character, no matter what is in front of her she is unrelenting in her sweetness and optimism. In any other character that much glass half emptiness would become grating but as played by Witherspoon, Elle Woods has a sense of self and unique understanding of people that disarms even the most cynical of onscreen opponents and audience members.

The script however, written by Kate Kondell and Down with Love scribes Eve Ahlert and Dennis Drake is even thinner than the original. Providing mere context is not enough to justify this film’s over the top flights of fancy. including a cringe inducing dance sequence and yet another uncomfortably unfunny turn by Jennifer Coolidge as Elle's pal Paulette. Her tight outfits and Tammy Faye Baker makeup look as if they are about to explode at any moment and her numerous non sequiturs painted as jokes are more creepy than funny.

The thinness of script in the first film was easily forgiven because of Witherspoon's whirlwind performance, so winning that it nothing else mattered. In Legally Blonde 2, Witherspoon has to use all of the goodwill developed in the first film to cover this script and she almost does it. Unfortunately, Witherspoon is saddled with one of those lame endings in which the hero gives a speech that wins everyone over to her side and saves the day. The speech is hokey, beyond anything you have ever heard and blows what little chance the film had of succeeding.

There are a couple good laughs in Legally Blonde 2 and yet another star turn by Reese Witherspoon who earns every dollar of her reported $20 million dollar price tag. She's so good I can almost recommend Legally Blonde 2. Almost.

Movie Review Charlie's Angels Full Throttle

Charlie's Angels Full Throttle (2003) 

Directed by McG 

Written by John August 

Starring Lucy Liu, Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Demi Moore, Bill Murray 

Release Date June 27th, 2003 

Published June 26th, 2003 

The first Charlie’s Angels film delighted in the kind of mindless, plotless humor that made the Austin Powers movies so much fun. Or at least the first Austin Powers movie. As the sequels in that series show, it's difficult to maintain that atmosphere. The humor relies so much on the outlandishness of the setup that you’re forced to top yourself from one gag to the next. For the Charlie’s Angels crew, that means skimpier outfits and racier humor that pushes the boundaries of it's mandated PG-13 rating. Thanks to a cast that has earned a great deal of audience goodwill, they manage to succeed this time, but one more will be really pushing it.

We all remember the flashy sex kittens from the original, Alex (Lucy Liu), Natalie (Cameron Diaz) and Dylan (Drew Barrymore). No need for reintroduction, the film jumps right into the action as the girls save a federal marshal from a group of Mongolian terrorists, with the cunning use of special effects and Cameron Diaz's ebullient sexuality.

From there it's back to the states where Charlie (the disembodied voice of John Forsythe) explains what we need to know in order to give the film’s gags a minimal amount of context. Some mess about the federal witness protection program and the list of people in protection. A bad guy has the list and is trying to sell it and it's up the Angels to stop them and retrieve the list.

During the investigation it's revealed that Dylan is on the list for having testified against an Irish mobster named Seamus O'Grady (Justin Theroux), who conveniently enough has just been released from prison. Oh but he's not the big bad guy. As the girls quickly figure out the real bad guy is a former Angel named Madison Lee (Demi Moore). Why she stole the list and blah blah blah is not necessary. How hot she looks in a bikini, now that is what this movie is really about.

Moore's role is actually rather limited in screentime, not much more than a cameo save for the big fight scene at the end. There are numerous cameos throughout the film that at times it's like an episode of the Love Boat. Matt LeBlanc reprises his cameo from the first film, as does Luke Wilson. John Cleese drops in as does Robert Patrick and even Demi's ex husband Bruce Willis. There is also a small role Shia Leboef from Holes, pop singer Pink and even the Olson Twins. Sadly, the film failed to get the cameo that really would have set tongues a wagging, Demi's current boy toy Ashton Kutcher.

Bernie Mac has a slightly bigger than a cameo role as the new Bosley, taking over for Bill Murray. Who cares how or why he has the role, Mac is welcome presence because he's just damn funny in every scene he's in.

Reigning over all this is Director McG, whose skills as a music video director were very much on display in the first film and they are far more pronounced in this sequel. McG is maturing quickly from video director to pop artist. His visuals are pure eye candy and his actors merely props to decorate his painting. McG skillfully maneuvers his actors through a series of eyepopping scenes, both titillating and action packed.

McG is to be commended for his amazing ability to skirt the censors who somehow were convinced to give this film a PG-13 rating. McG walks the line between obvious Russ Meyer style exploitation and acceptable humorous double entendre, like a skilled tightrope walker. The stars of the film and their director seem to say it's okay to exploit their sexuality, such as a scene where the Angels go undercover in a strip club, as long as the girls are in on the joke. What woman could resist having their butt worshipped the way McG seems to worship the butt's of his leads? All shot as lovingly as one might film the Mona Lisa.

Getting away with this type of envelope pushing for another sequel is highly unlikely. Unless the ratings board says PG-13 means the girls can strip naked and kill bad guys at the same time, the filmmakers will have a hard time finding anything more safely titillating than what they concocted in Full Throttle.

Movie Review: Alex & Emma

Alex & Emma (2003) 

Directed by Rob Reiner 

Written by Jeremy Leven 

Starring Luke Wilson, Kate Hudson, Sophie Marceau, David Paymer, Rob Reiner

Release Date June 20th, 2003 

Published June 20th, 2003 

Recently I had a conversation with a friend about director Rob Reiner and it reminded me of the number of great films he has made. A Few Good Men, The American President, This Is Spinal Tap and When Harry Met Sally amongst others combine great filmmaking with a pop sensibility that is entertaining and accessible without pandering.  However there have been occasions during Reiner's career when he lost that sense. In films such as North and The Story Of Us, Reiner mistakes quirky and cute for funny. For his latest picture, Alex & Emma, Reiner has the ingredients of When Harry Met Sally but the execution of The Story of Us.

Alex (Luke Wilson) is a New York writer with gambling debts that have Cuban gangsters hanging him out of a window. He has been promising for months that when his new novel was completed he would have their money. Unfortunately, he has hasn't written even a page. The gangsters give him one month to get the money or they will kill him.

Of course the only way Alex can get the money he owes, now doubled with interest for the extra time, he has to finish his novel. He can't type as fast as he thinks, so Alex comes up with the brilliant idea to hire a stenographer to type as he talks and transcribe the novel when it's complete. Enter Emma (Kate Hudson), a quirky, cute stenographer who believes she is going to work in a law office. Her meeting with Alex in his dingy apartment is one of the few bright funny scenes in the film as she mistakes him for a psycho killer.

After Alex explains what he needs from her, she's still not convinced. It's not until she reads the last page of his first novel that she agrees to work for him. That is one her quirks, Emma always reads the last page of a book to decide if the ending is worth reading toward. It's a cute quirk, but whether it's cute because it's cute or cute because it's Kate Hudson is debatable. If only the audience was given the same option because after seeing the end of Alex & Emma, I likely would not have sat through the whole thing. But I digress.

From this point on, we switch back and forth between Alex's novel about an American tutor hired to teach a pair of French kids while falling for their single mom (Sophie Marceau) and Alex and Emma as they begin to fall for each other. Naturally, elements of the real dynamic begin to seep into the novel. Alex creates a new character, a servant who he envisions as Emma without her knowing it. The character is a nice comic invention who begins as a bubbly blonde Swede then morphs into a severe red headed German and then a fiery Latina before finally settling on an American who looks just like Emma. It's a funny device but it plays as a device, a very noticeable one.

Being a romantic comedy puts Alex & Emma at an automatic disadvantage. We in the audience already expect the leads to end up together so the writers and director must come up with logical roadblocks in order to keep the characters apart til the end. The obstacles in Alex and Emma however, just don't work, especially the obvious curveball that comes near the end. It's yet another of those easily solvable situations that must remain unsolved to extend the film to its conclusion. Hudson's character is asked to do things that are illogical and defy what we have come to know of the character.

Reiner's sure-handed direction is there and he is blessed with the lovely Kate Hudson who saves most of her scenes on the sheer force of her talent and charisma. Co-star Luke Wilson however never seems comfortable and seems miscast as the roguish self-assured Alex. His offhanded laid back style never jives with the confident self-assured character he is supposed to portray and thus he came off flat.

What is really lacking in Alex & Emma however, is laughs. Hudson provides the biggest laughs, especially in her numerous incarnations in the novel, I especially loved her German accent. Very sexy. But overall, when you combine the lack of solid laughs and illogical romantic comedy roadblocks, you get an amiable attempt at romance but an unsuccessful attempt at that.