Movie Review: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Beginning

Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Beginning (2006)

Directed by Jonathan Liebesman

Written by Sheldon Turner

Starring Jordana Brewster, Matt Bomer, R. Lee Ermey, Diora Baird, Andrew Bryniarski

Release Date October 6th, 2006

Published October 7th, 2006

The title Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is a little bit curious. Tipping the fact that this is a prequel to the 1974 original (and that films 2003 remake) removes a little tension from the films central story of four 20 somethings captured on the backroads of Texas by the family that would go on to be famous for their brutality and depravity.

If any one of these four kids were to escape from Leatherface and clan it would negate the films that follow The Beginning in the timeline. Removing the tension from the storyline leaves only the grindhouse brutality which director Jonathan Liebesman delivers by the bucketload, but in service of what.

Any one who knows anything about horror movies knows the legend of the Hewitt family. Sadistic Texas cannibals who from the late sixties to the mid-seventies prayed on people who made the mistake of passing through their god forsaken part of the Texas flatlands. Their poster boy, the maniacal Leatherface (most recently played by Anthony Bryniarski) wielding a bloodsoaked chainsaw which he wields like a butchers tool to cut human meat.

In Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning director Jonathon Liebesman gives us an origin story for Leatherface and his creeptastic backwoods family lead by Uncle Charlie (R. Lee Ermey). When the local slaughterhouse closed down; let's just say that their one employee -Thomas "Leatherface" Hewitt- did not take it well. Murdering his former employer he walked away from the slaughterhouse and into the life of a cold blooded maniac, with a little push from his equally crazed Uncle who murders the town's one and only cop when he attempts to arrest Thomas.

Meanwhile, on a lonely stretch of highway, not far from this carnage, two brothers; Dean (Taylor Handley) and Eric (Matthew Bomer) and their respective girlfriends; Bailey (Diora Baird) and Chrissie (Jordana Brewster); are on a road trip that will culminate with the brothers arrival at a military base and from there a trip to the jungles of Vietnam. What Dean, however, has not told his older brother; is that he is not planning on going to Vietnam and is in fact on his way to Mexico.

These plans take a massive and horrific detour when a biker runs them off the road and into a cow and a major accident. All four survive with Chrissie having been thrown from the car. When the sheriff shows up, now Uncle Charlie calling himself Sheriff Hoyt, he sets the tone for the nightmare to come by killing the menacing biker chick with no provocation. He then loads three of the friends into the cop car for a trip back to the Hewitt homestead and some unimaginable terrors.

No points for guessing that Chrissie will follow her friends in a vain attempt at rescue. What else could she do as a moronic horror movie character? Run until she is able to locate someone who isn't a backwoods psychopath?

This set up takes far too long to get started and by the time the carnage begins you really don't care. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning has already established itself as a vehicle for gruesome, blood soaked carnage and thus the heaping of one body atop another fails to elicit anything new aside from a minor admiration for whomever it was that had to craft that much fake blood. That was a big job.

Director Jonathon Liebesman is not without style and professionalism but his various depictions of brutality are meaningless to an audience already desensitized to such depictions by far more skillful horror films like the Saw pictures and The Descent and even less skillful exploitation pictures like Hostel or Wolf Creek which are just as bloodsoaked and even more sadistic in terms of the brutality presented.

What The Beginning needed was some tension in the storytelling. That went out the window, of course, when the producers, including Michael Bay who also commissioned the 2003 remake, decided to make a Texas Chainsaw Massacre prequel. Right away all of the possible tension as to whether the young gap models lined as cannon fodder for Leatherface might escape is gone. You know everyone is going to die; the only question is how gruesome that death will be.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning relies entirely on brand loyalty. If audiences are loyal to the Texas Chainsaw brand they will turn out for anything. The red meat promised in The Beginning is the origin of Leatherface. That, unfortunately, is not all that interesting. Leatherface was always a hulking, personality free, brute and simply showing us how he picked out that ugly mug of his, made from human flesh, is not all that compelling. As origin stories this is not exactly of mythic quality.

The one slightly entertaining element of TCM:TB is former drill Sergeant R. Lee Ermey as crazy Uncle Charlie. Ermey bites into the role with the same violent relish he brought to his foul mouthed drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket. My appreciation for his work in TCM:TB is admittedly more camp than it is honest appreciation of his acting talent. I got a kick out the over the top way he played this character and how convincingly bonkers the host of the History Channel's viewer mail show could be.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning never really had a chance to be successful. With the tension sucked out by it's title and premise and only its gore to rely upon, the chances that this film had to be a compelling and truly frightening horror film were next to nothing. Director Jonathon Liebesman gives it the old college try and delivers a skilled presentation of blood soaked violence but his efforts were futile from the start.

Even diehard Leatheface fans will have a hard time finding anything to enjoy about Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.

Movie Review: Employee of the Month

Employee of the Month (2006) 

Directed by Greg Coolidge

Written by Don Calame, Chris Conroy 

Starring Dane Cook, Jessica Simpson, Dax Shepard, Andy Dick, Harland Williams

Release Date October 6th, 2006 

Published October 5th, 2006

Dane Cook is a comedian whose energetic style often masks some pretty mundane material. That may be why he was cast in the comedy Employee of the Month. The humor of Employee, written by Don Calame and Chris Conway and directed by Greg Coolidge, is lethargic to the point of non-existence. It needs a charismatic comic presence to make it even moderately humorous.

Unfortunately Cook delivers a performance as lazy as the comic material in the film and thus Employee of the Month is a tedious moviegoing experience.

In Employee of the Month Dane Cook stars as Zach a ten year member of the Super Value family. Ten years he has worked there without ever advancing beyond the role of box boy. Meanwhile, his arch-nemesis Vince (Dax Shepard) is in line to become assistant manager someday. Vince is a superstar cashier whose speed with a pricing gun has earned him Employee of the Month 17 months in a row, not to mention lines of cashier groupies.

The feud between Zack and Vince comes to a head when a new cashier joins the team. Her name is Amy (Jessica Simpson) and the rumor mill has it that she only dates the employee of the month. Now; slacker Zack, who has only existed to this point to be unnoticed, must become a model employee if he is to defeat Vince for employee of the month and win the affections of the smoking hot Amy.

That is the basic gist of Employee of the Month a factory produced comedy from Lionsgate meant to take advantage of the rising starpower of comedian Dane Cook. Unfortunately for Lionsgate, the film they made does nothing to take advantage of Cook's style. Dane Cook is a comic whose energy often masks material that is kind of weak. Cook is a relationship comic who uses clever twist of phrase and his lanky physicality to sell material that is kind of funny but not exactly brilliant.

The material of Employee of the Month fits Cook's style but the performance coaxed from the comic by director Greg Coolidge is lazy, something that Cook doesn't do well. Cook can pull off slacker but lazy he is not. His stage shows are marathons of energy and charisma and because he is not a very good actor; sticking closely to what Cook does well would have been better than trying to shoehorn him into this character.

There is one funny thing about Employee of the Month but, unfortunately, I don't believe it was intended to be funny. Jessica Simpson earns all of the biggest laughs in the film but not because she can deliver a terrific punchline. Simpson, more often than not, is the punchline. With  her plunging neckline arriving in many scenes well before she does, Simpson is like a dimmer version of Pamela Anderson; who at least has the awareness to know why people are staring at her.

Simpson's every line delivered with a slight girlish giggle as if every word were a new kind of embarrassment. This is a performance of spectacular awfulness, the kind of performance the Razzies were created to honor, point and laugh at. On the bright side, at least Simpson gives us something to laugh at in this otherwise humor free comedy.

Dane Cook could become a big time movie star with the right material. While I don't believe he is that great a comic, he is charismatic and clever. Women seem to find him attractive, they make up a large part of his mostly college based following. He has all of the basic elements of stardom and only needs the right vehicle to break out of the pack.

Employee of the Month is bad material combined with a director who doesn't quite understand how to get the right performances from his actors. Cook needed more energy and Simpson needed to not be cast at all. Then, maybe, Employee of the Month might not be the complete waste of film stock that it is.

Movie Review The Departed

The Departed (2006) 

Directed by Martin Scorsese

Written by William Monahan

Starring Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Vera Farmiga, Alec Baldwin

Release Date October 6th, 2006

Published October 5th, 2006

I know that when you hear some critic say that such and such movie is the best movie of the year you must roll your eyes a little bit. Take it with a grain of salt and what not. But I am telling you honestly that thus far in 2006 I have yet to see a film as accomplished, entertaining, shocking and moving as The Departed, the latest from the brilliant mind of director Martin Scorsese.

A remake of the Hong Kong classic Infernal Affairs, The Departed is no simple retelling of someone else's story. Scorsese takes the sketch of Infernal Affairs and makes the story his own, shifting the action to South Boston -surprisingly not his home turf in New York City- and casting a large group of well respected actors, The Departed separates itself from its inspiration, and becomes pure Scorsese.

In a snaky two pronged plot Leonardo DiCaprio stars in The Departed as Billy Costigan a Boston native with ties to the tough crime ridden streets of south Boston and the upscale side of town as well. This dichotomy has led Billy to the state police academy where his background comes to the attention of the undercover unit headed up by Capt. Queenan (Martin Sheen) and his right hand man Sgt. Dignum (Mark Wahlberg).

Costigan is perfect for the undercover unit's needs because his father and uncle were well known in the south Boston neighborhood where mobster Frank Costello runs things. With his lineage people in the neighborhood would have an easy time believing him as a criminal freshly released from prison looking to find an in with Costello's crew. The assignment still however, requires Costigan to spend three months behind bars, deep undercover, in order to sell the story.

Costigan's job is to get in close with Costello, catch him with some big criminal enterprise and help put him away. Not an easy task however, given Costello's crafty paranoia and a mole in the police department that keeps Costello a step ahead of the cops. Luckily for Costigan, Queenan works apart from the rest of the department, thus his identity remains a mystery to the mole.

The corrupt cop inside the department is a fast rising, ambitious south Boston kid named Colin Sullivan (Matt Damon). Colin was raised under the wing of Frank Costello and bred to become a cop specifically to help out Costello sometime in the future. When Costello suspects there is a cop in his crew he turns to Sullivan to find him.

Working from a very smart script by William Monahan, Martin Scorsese crafts a gut wrenchingly violent thriller that twists and turns in cat and mouse fashion and keeps audiences on the edge of their seat before devastating them with stunning violence. This is some of the smartest and most violent work of Scorsese's career and never before has he kept his audience more off their guard.

Leonardo DiCaprio keeps getting better and better as he grows further away from the teen idol persona that was thrust upon him even before Titanic. DiCaprio and Scorsese work so well together with Scorsese bringing out Dicaprio's masculinity and DiCaprio bringing vulnerability to Scorsese's tough guy world. It's a perfect match in The Departed where DiCaprio perfectly balances the conflicting bravado and fear of an undercover officer in the midst of a highly volatile situation.

Being a native of Boston Matt Damon brings an authentic accent to his role but it is his darting eyes and cutthroat wits that make Colin the complicated, cold blooded, center of The Departed. Damon is ice cold, reminiscent of his serial killer in The Talented Mr. Ripley. The characters are both ambitious and eager to please on the surface, hiding a dark side capable of just about anything.

For popcorn entertainment in The Departed it's all about Jack. Jack Nicholson's charismatic wacko mobster is outsized and yet believable. The ruthless, hard edge, nature of Frank Costello matched with the wildly charming Nicholson persona is both horrifying and fascinating. Combining elements of his own well crafted persona with elements of his wildly diverse characters of the past, Nicholson plays Costello as part Cuckoo's nest, part Shining and part L.A Lakers courtside peacock. It's a wonderful and terrifying performance.

The most entertaining thing about The Departed however, is watching Scorsese return to the genre that he made great, the gritty from the streets thriller. While I loved both Gangs of New York and The Aviator for their grand ambition and exulting scale, both are at times desperate and cloying. You can see where Scorsese got the reputation for courting the academy with these pictures. Having Bob and Harvey Weinstein produce both pictures only exacerbated the issue.

There is nothing desperate or cloying in The Departed. This is Scorsese telling a story with smarts and guts. Spilling blood, firing bullets and crafting tough guy characters that we haven't seen since the last time Scorsese hit the streets with his iconic gangster flick Goodfellas. If Scorsese never made another picture The Departed would be the perfect film to truly capture his legacy, a smart, tough, rough-hewn gangster epic.

The Departed is unquestionably the best film of 2006. Scorsese finally stepping out from under the influence of the awards greedy Weinstein clan, returns to his roots for a story he truly knows how to tell. A potboiler from the streets, with great dialogue and extraordinary violence. This is Scorsese's milieu, his home turf, and he takes full advantage in The Departed.

This is an absolute must see picture.

Movie Review School for Scoundrels

School for Scoundrels (2006)

Directed by Tod Phillips

Written by Scot Armstrong

Starring Jon Heder, Jascinda Barrett, Billy Bob Thornton, Michael Clarke Duncan, Sarah Silverman, Ben Stiller, David Cross

Release Date September 29th, 2006

Release Date September 29th 2006

Todd Phillips and Scot Armstrong are the comic director-writer team behind Road Trip, Old School and Starsky and Hutch. Their brand of broad physical comedy, bathroom humor and just general juvenilia may not be great art but is good for a number of big laughs. Phillips and Armstrong's latest collaboration, School For Scoundrels, is meaner and more physical than their previous films but like those other films it's good for more than a few big laughs.

Roger (Jon Heder) is a shy, lonely, dork; living in New York City and working as a meter maid. He is nursing an unrequited crush on his apartment building neighbor Amanda (Jascinda Barrett) however, because he either hides or passes out when he sees her, he has no chance of getting a date with her. Luckily for Roger his pal Ian (David Cross) has something that might help him.

Ian took a class at the learning annex that is like Fight Club for the socially challenged. For five thousand dollars a man named Dr. P (Billy Bob Thornton) teaches guys like Roger how to find the nerve to take the things they want. His methods are harsh and cruel, including instructing his students to randomly antagonize strangers, shooting his students with paintballs at close range and just generally insulting them until they fight back.

Whatever the methods, Dr. P's teachings do help Roger who finally gets a date with Amanda. However, when Dr. P senses Roger getting too good, so he decides to teach him a lesson by getting a date with Amanda himself and challenging Roger to fight back.

Directed by Todd Phillips and his long time writing partner Scot Armstrong, School For Scoundrels has a number of big laughs but lacks a consistent throughline. Phillips and Armstrong's style is to set a plot in motion and then continuously interrupt it with gags that are hit and miss. An example is a paintball game scene where three of Roger's classmates are taken hostage by Dr. P's burly assistant played by Michael Clark Duncan, and there are intimations that he may forcibly have sex with them.

This rape joke is repeated later in a bizarre cameo by Ben Stiller as a former student of Dr. P's. The gags distract from the main plot and, in the case of the rape joke, really take away from the enjoyment of the rest of the film. Another pair of gags involving Roger and a pair of thuggish parking offenders is funnier but just as distracting.

Another problem that Phillips and Armstrong have is a complete inability to write female characters. Going back to Road Trip where Amy Smart was used merely as eye candy for a terrific but unnecessary nude scene, to Old School where Ellen Pompeo barely existed in the plot and every other woman was used for more naked eye candy to now in School For Scoundrels where Jascinda Barrett is at least allowed to keep her clothes on but otherwise barely exists in the plot. She exists only as a prize to be won by either Heder or Thornton.

Jon Heder has a problem. His role as the awkward socially retarded Napoleon Dynamite continues to haunt his career. The specter of Napoleon hangs over his every role since and in School For Scoundrels his Roger is just a few steps beyond Napoleon in terms of ungainly social graces. There are signs however that he is maturing. Heder holds the screen well opposite the imposing presence of Thornton and he does seem a good match for Barrett. If her character would have had more depth there might have been more chemistry.

Billy Bob Thornton has a wonderful dark comic presence. His Dr. P is like a twisted version of Will Smith's Hitch and R. Lee Ermey's malevolent drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket. Thornton can play intimidating or charming in just a few beats and make you believe both. In School For Scoundrels his snake like charm and savage temper combine for more than a few big laughs.

School For Scoundrels is meanspirited and often quite juvenile but it is funny. I especially loved the tennis scene which was rightfully featured in the film's marketing. Heder and Thornton really connect in these scenes and the awkward violence is played for some of the film's biggest laughs. The paintball scene, also in the trailer, is the film's low point in violent slapstick. The scene exists simply to fire shots to the groin, it adds nothing to the plot of the film. Is it funny? I laughed at the first shot, by the fifth I was waiting for the plot to kick in again.

Ben Stiller drops into School For Scoundrels late in the picture and though his role is more than a little eccentric, I did love the way he played it. Driven slightly mad after serving in Grenada in the 80's and surviving Dr. P's class soon after, Stiller finds just the right odd note for this truly bizarre character, easily the broadest and least believable in the film.

School For Scoundrels suffers from something that each of Todd Phillips and Scot Armstrong's previous films suffered from, a lack of a consistent tone. At times very broad, at times played for believability, the tone of the comedy is at odds with the tone of the film's romantic triangle. There are big laughs in the film that are followed by long periods of setups and payoffs that are mean spirited to the point of cruelty but more importantly, are often not funny enough to justify the cruelty.

Meanwhile the romance sputters because Barrett isn't given any time in between the evil pranks and pratfalls of Heder and Thornton, to connect with either actor. Amanda's first date with Roger is an alright scene, but Heder and Barrett are on two completely different wavelengths in most scenes, he's broad and gangly, she's square and earnest.

A little more effort and time and I think these two actors could have established a strong romantic rapport. However, this is not a romantic comedy. School For Scoundrels is a film about nasty pranks and shots to the groin. That too much of the plot hinges on Heder and Thornton's relationship with Barrett is a problem that the filmmakers don't seem all that concerned with.

Still, though I sound quite negative about School For Scoundrels; I enjoyed it. The film achieves a number of big laughs inside and outside the plot. The film would be much better if the laughs came seamlessly from one scene to the next instead of stopping and starting, but the laughs are big laughs and that makes up for many of the film's major structural problems.

School For Scoundrels is meanspirited, often cruel and highly immature. It's also undeniably funny. Jon Heder may still remain in the shadow of his Napoleon character but he shows in School For Scoundrels that he has the comedic chops to one day escape that film's shadow. Billy Bob Thornton will never be a great leading man but as a supporting player or villain, he is one of the best in the business.

Todd Phillips and Scot Armstrong know how to craft some big laughs but they are, for now, just getting by on those few big laughs. I hope one day to see them mature into making films that flow seamlessly from one joke to the next, but for now; their big laughs are big enough for me to recommend School For Scoundrels.

Movie Review The Guardian

The Guardian (2006) 

Directed by Andrew Davis 

Written by Ron L. Brinkerhoff

Starring Kevin Costner, Ashton Kutcher, Sela Ward, Melissa Sagemiller, Clancy Brown, Omari Hardwick

Release Date September 29th, 2006 

Published September 29th, 2006 

Kevin Costner is maturing quite well into his elder statesman role. He has turned in a series of strong older leading man performances in Open Range, The Upside of Anger and he was the only appealing element of the abysmal romantic comedy Rumor has It. Costner's latest picture may be his most obvious transitional work. As a coast guard trainer to upstart Ashton Kutcher's rescue swimmer trainee, Costner is seen in The Guardian as passing the torch to a new generation.

If that last line isn't indication enough of the cheeseball nature of The Guardian wait till you hear the Bryan Adams tune that closes this eye rolling action adventure.

Kevin Costner stars in The Guardian as Senior Chief Ben Randall, a coast guard rescue swimmer. It is Ben's job to jump from helicopters into the roiling waters of the Bering Sea off the coast of Alaska and save lives. As a near 20 year veteran, no one has saved nearly as many lives. Sadly for Ben his latest mission led to a tragic accident that killed his entire crew, including his closest friend.

Washed out to the Coast Guard's elite training facility called A School, Ben is forced to give up rescue swimming in favor of training the next generation of swimmers. Amongst the new recruits is a brash former high school swimming champion named Jake Fischer. A hot head who lacks leadership and teamwork skills, Fischer clashes immediately with his new mentor.

No points for guessing that the adversarial relationship between Ben and Jake eventually comes to grudging respect to fatherly protectiveness before they are finally ready to save lives together. Yes, The Guardian as directed by Andrew Davis (The Fugitive); is as predictable as a road map. That said, the action on the high seas, the dangerous windswept life saving moments are more often than not very exciting.

Andrew Davis knows his way around great action from the train escape sequence in The Fugitive to the explosions of the otherwise awful Arnold Schwarzenneger flick Collateral Damage to the high seas action of The Guardian. It's the other aspects of direction, character, plot, tone, where Davis struggles as a director.

Working from a script by Ron Brinkerhoff, whose only other credit is the straight to video Sly Stallone pic D-Tox, Davis crafts a film that is part big action and part cheeseball kitsch. Every critic in the country has mentioned the obvious parallels between The Guardian and other military male bonding flicks like Top Gun, An Officer and A Gentleman and the oft forgotten De Niro flick Men Of Honor. The Guardian does nothing to separate itself from these films, heavily lifting from each with no regard for originality.

The Guardian had me rolling my eyes early on as we met Ben Randell's wife played by Sela Ward. If you guessed that Randall is one of those married to his job types and because of that his wife is leaving him; well, of course, you're right. This is such an obvious and obligatory scene, Ward's character moving her things out of their shared home, that it almost seems intentionally humorous. Almost.

Despite the predictability, despite the cheeseball way that director Andrew Davis rips off other similar films, I still found myself wrapped up in The Guardian. The action on the high seas is edge of your seat stuff with some terrifically well integrated CGI effects and a pair of game if waterlogged stars. Costner and Kutcher play well off of each other in the action scenes, really playing up the father-son dynamic of their relationship.

The film also has a credible, if not exactly smoking hot, romance for Kutcher's Jake Fischer. Melissa Sagemiller plays Emily; a school teacher who falls for Jake despite knowing that he will be shipped far away from where they meet, at the training school. The scenes between Kutcher and Sagemiller  begin with yet another of those predictable, been there done that moments, one where the cocky cadet bets his pals he can pick up the hottest girl in the bar in under a minute. It's a cheesy, eye rolling start, but these likable actors manage to make the romance work because they have pretty good chemistry.

Movie Review: Flyboys

Flyboys (2006) 

Directed by Tony Bill 

Written by David S. Ward 

Starring James Franco, Martin Henderson, Jean Reno, Jennifer Decker, Tyler Labine

Release Date September 22nd, 2006 

Published September 23rd, 2006 

The story of the Lafayette Escadrille was a passion project for producer Dean Devlin. But, even the man whose resume includes Independence Day and The Patriot could not get a major studio interested in spending the money necessary to make a movie about American pilots who fought for the French in World War 1. Enter David Ellison; the scion of Oracle founder Larry Ellison, who had a few million dollars burning a hole in his pocket and a love of flying.

Together with director Tony Bill, Devlin and Ellison raised 60 million dollars, mostly their own money, and made Flyboys. The investment was not a great one. There is a reason studios did not commit to this picture and it involves a script that is lightweight, a romance that is far from grand and a lack of the star power necessary to make Flyboys a sell to mass audiences.

On the bright side, the flying scenes turned out really cool.

With Europe in chaos and Germany preparing to take the whole of France a call went out for pilots to join the French army in fighting back. It was 1916, more than a year before the United States officially declared war on the Austro-Hungarian alliance, and though their country was not part of the war, a few American boys were offered the chance to go to France and become fighter pilots.

Known as the Lafayette Esquadrille; these American flyboys arrived with all of the cock and swagger of your typical American and found a war lilke none had ever seen before. In the film Flyboys, a fictional depiction of the Lafayette squadron, James Franco takes the lead role of Blaine Rawlings a texan on the run from debts that have taken his family ranch.

After seeing a newsreel advertising the chance to become a pilot and fight the Germans, Rawlings jumped aboard a steam ship to France, just ahead of the cops on his tail. Arriving in the outskirts of France, far from the glamour of Paris, Rawlings is joined by several fresh faced americans with similar hopes of becoming pilots and of escaping difficult pasts.

There is Beagle (David Ellison) a cocky but secretive wannabe pilot whose past is even more complicated than Rawlings'. Briggs (Tyler Labine) would seem to have the easiest life as a son of privilege however, it was his pushy and unrelenting father (Timothy Pigott Smith) who pushed him to this fight against his will. Eugene Skinner (Abdul Salis) was a successful boxer in France who left America in hopes of finding a society more accepting of African Americans, now he hopes becoming a pilot can find him acceptance back home.

There is, of course, the obligaory romantic subplot and this is where Flyboys crashes into cliche. The romance between James Franco's Rawlings and a girl from the French countryside played by Jennifer Decker is truly insipid, beginning with a meet cute where Rawlings mistakes Decker's Lucienne for a prostitute. What follows is a dull, passionless courtship, further complicated by the couple's inability to speak each others language.

The language barrier reminded me of the terrifically funny movie Better Off Dead in which the mother of the nerdy kid who took in the beautiful french exchange student told everyone that her son and her guest spoke 'the international language'. If Franco and Decker's characters in Flyboys were speaking 'the international language' they were not communicating it very well, the romance is just awful; worse yet it's an anchor that drags out the films runtime, achingly over two hours, and keeps the film out of the skies.

When Flyboys is in the air, indulging the action that inspired it, the film often soars. The dogfights with German pilots in cool looking tri-planes, greatly augmented with CGI but often making use of real period aircrafts, are well shot, compelling, even exciting at times. Director Tony Bill, best known for the Emmy nominated TV movie Harlan County War, does a spectacular job combining digital effects with real period aircrafts and delivers some really exciting moments. If only he had had the guts to cut the romance and stick to the action, we would be talking about a much better, and thankfully; much shorter film.

So many directors, studios, and producers have tried to turn James Franco into a star that it is starting to become a sad joke. With his James Dean eyes, pout and brood; Franco has the tools for teen idol-dom but seems to lack either the will or the talent to make the move to real stardom. I enjoyed Franco's performance in the period romance Tristan & Isolde earlier this year but his dour brooding persona, the one he has carried from his supporting roles in Spider-Man to 2005's The Great Raid and the abysmal boxing picture Annapolis, is getting really tired. Someone find this guy a lighthearted romantic comedy before his face freezes in that sad puppy pout.

The most interesting member of the cast is one the films financiers, or atleast a financiers son. David Ellison, the son of Larry Ellison the owner of Oracle who sunk a good chunk into the making of Flyboys, plays Eddie Beagle the jovial but secretive member of the squad who is suspected of spying because he just can't seem to hit anything during fire fights.

Now, before you say nepotism landed David this role keep in mind; this is not his first acting gig. He played student number 1 in the indie flick Chumscrubber and produced, directed and starred in his own indie short called When All Else Fails , unseen and thus unjudged by me. Ellison brings some lovable charm to his role in Flyboys and the fact that he is, in reality, a trained pilot doesn't hurt either.

The supporting cast might actually have made better leads. Jean Reno does as well as he possibly can with the limited role as the French captain in charge of training the Flyboys. Martin Henderson, another actor Hollywood seems intent on turning into a star based on cheekbones alone, registers better than Franco in the role of the cocky veteran flyer who you just know will clash with the equally cocky Franco character before coming to respect him and maybe even fly with him as his wingman.

Poor Jennifer Decker. This lovely young French actress is made to look quite the fool in Flyboys. The scenes of Decker and Franco attempting to communicate but not understanding each other make her look as if she is mentally challenged. And while she is nice looking, the film needs her to be the kind of beauty that a man would be willing to give his life for; a face that would launch a thousand dogfights if you don't mind the illiteration.

Sadly Decker is not quite as attractive as the film wants you to believe. She needs to be supermodel gorgeous because the time that the couple spends together does not establish the kind of emotional or intellectual bonds needed for the kind of commitment that is asked for here. Young lust is really the only thing that could drive this relationship and Decker is not the type to inspire a lust one might give his life for.

When it's flying Flyboys is a pretty good action picture. On the ground however, Flyboys is awash in cliches, predictibility and a couple of truly dreadful performances. James Franco has the looks of a matinee idol but he had better find himself a role that consists of more than just brooding and dimples if he really wants to become a star.

Director Tony Bill aquits himself well as an action director but he needed more discipline and nerve in the editing room. Had he the guts to gut the romance and focus on the Flyboys we would be talking about an entirely different and far more entertaining picture.

Movie Review: All the King's Men

All the King's Men (2006) 

Directed by Steven Zaillian

Written by Steven Zaillian 

Starring Sean Penn, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, Anthony Hopkins, James Gandolfini, Mark Ruffalo, Patricia Clarkson, Jackie Earl Haley

Release Date September 22nd, 2006

Published September 22nd, 2006 

In late 1930's Louisiana writer Robert Penn Warren fell under the spell of the charismatic, larger than life Governor, Huey P. Long. Long's passionate, man of the people rhetoric, his complicated almost amoral lifestyle and his tragic death, were all the inspiration Warren needed to write his masterpiece novel All The Kings Men.

The book won the Pulitzer Prize and was adapted to the big screen in 1949 where it went on to win Best Picture. More than 50 years later All The Kings Men has once again been adapted to the big screen and while it features a fiery performance from Sean Penn, the film is a catastrophic failure. Made with the intention of winning an Oscar, the film could be a parody of the corruption of its own creation with Sean Penn's Willie Stark character standing in for greedy producers eager for awards glory.

Willie Stark (Sean Penn) was a true man of the people. His first foray into politics was fighting to make sure the local school was built by the best contractors with the best materials and not by friends of the local politicians in his small corner of Louisiana. When his fight failed his career as a politician seemed to have ended with it but when the school collapsed and four kids were killed, Willie Stark went from down on his luck salesman to crusader for truth and justuce and soon a potential candidate for Governor.

Reporter Jack Burden (Jude Law) was among the first to see Willie's man of the people earnestness and be struck by the rarity of an honest politician. He first met Willie during the fight for the school but became forever entwined with Willie after the school collapse and the beginning of Willie's improbable run for Governor.

Willie's political education began on that first run for governor when he finds that he is merely a patsy candidate meant to divide the electorate and help a more prominent candidate win office. His disillusionment turns to determination and by the time of the next election Willie knows how this corrupt game is played and sweeps into office a conquering hero of incorruptibility.

Of course, Willie was quite corrupt by this time and once in office with the mandate of his people his corruption comes to full flower. Jack Burden, having given up journalism, joins Willie's staff as a top political fire fighter and while he is hurt by Willie's fall from grace, he is merely a witness. That begins to change when politics calls for Jack to use his influence on an old friend of his family, Judge Irwin (Anthony Hopkins). Willie needs Judge Irwin on his side to avoid impeachment and it falls to Jack to find dirt on the man he once considered a father figure.

Jack's conflicting loyalty to Willie and to Judge Irwin is the thrust of the final act of All The Kings Men a surprisingly lackluster drama from writer-director Steven Zaillian. With pretensions of greatness, Zaillian crafts All The Kings Men as if just making the movie were enough to warrant huzzahs all around. The film is so full of its own value that James Horner's score is like a thundering Greek chorus of 'see how important we all are' hyperbole.

The problems with All The Kings Men extend from Zaillian's lackadaisical direction to the cast of all stars who are often just not suited for the material. The most glaring example is Jude Law who, as Jack Burden the movie's narrator and dramatic center, struggles with keeping his natural good looks and charm out of the role of a burnout cynic and struggles, far more mightily, with a brutal Louisiana drawl. Law's Jack Burden is a cypher, milling about the movie searching for a purpose beyond merely providing exposition.

Jack is the audience's eyes and ears and yet he seems to miss so much. As Willie Stark is becoming more and more corrupt we want to see the smoky back rooms and the shady deals. Instead we are stuck with Jack and his dull subplot involving old friends played by Kate Winslet, also poorly cast as a Louisiana aristocrat, and Mark Ruffalo. Though the subplot becomes important late in the film, its relevance early on is poorly established and distracting.

Regardless of the films many flaws Sean Penn is electrifying in All The Kings Men. His fiery passion explodes in fits of righteous rage that are at times inspiring and lamentable. As he was on the rise Willie Stark's outrage made him seem as if he indeed could end corruption in all government. However, once elected and educated in how the gears of politics turn, Willie's inflammatory rhetoric became cover for his own corruption. This is the one effective element of an otherwise disappointing melodrama.

All The Kings Men boasts a cast of respected actors and Oscar winners, including writer-director Zaillian himself, yet somehow all the starpower on the screen and behind the scenes never manages to turn the movie into anything more than an extravagant demonstration of how much a studio will pay to win an Oscar. All The Kings Men is like a machine crafted to win awards with little regard to whether it was deserving of any honor.

Sean Penn is passionate to the point of almost eating the scenery but his fiery oratory skills are the only reason to see All The Kings Men an otherwise lifeless excercise in failure. Remakes are often mere reflections of the original and this new version of All The Kings Men is a perfect example of reflected glory. The movie takes the shine of the respected work of writer Robert Penn Warren and the Oscar winning 1949 film and simply mirrors it.

The cache of the original glory and an all star cast cannot hide the slapdash quality of Steven Zaillian's All The Kings Men, a movie machine cynically crafted for critical applause.

Movie Review The Last Kiss

The Last Kiss (2006) 

Directed by Tony Goldwyn 

Written by Paul Haggis 

Starring Zach Braff, Jacinda Barrett, Casey Affleck, Rachel Bilson, Harold Ramis, Blythe Danner 

Release Date September 15th, 2006 

Published September 14th, 2006 

Having turned 30 years old this year I had not really thought about it as a milestone. When I was a kid 30 was old but now that I'm there I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel that much different than the little kid who thought 30 was old. Other than living on my own and having to clean up after myself; I still have some of my childhood hobbies, X-Box, baseball cards and such. The characters in Tony Goldberg's latest directorial effort The Last Kiss are just about to turn 30 and they are terrified. Facing things such as marriage, kids and mortgages, the characters in The Last Kiss face the kind of crises that most men save for their 50th birthday not the 30th.

Zach Braff leads a terrific ensemble in The Last Kiss as Michael; an architect who has just found out his girlfriend Jenna (Jascinda Barrett) is going to have a baby. The panic written on his face is masked by his good humor but is still quite apparent to his pals, Izzy (Michael Weston), Chris (Casey Affleck), and Kenny (Eric Christian Olson).

Michael's friends, like Michael are just about to turn 30 and are also facing grown up issues. Izzy just lost the girl he has loved since high school and is planning an escape to Mexico. Kenny is thinking of going with Izzy on the road trip, a desire that arises after a woman he met and had one night stand with tries introduce him to her parents. And then there is Chris; the only married man in the group. Chris and his wife Danielle (Lauren Lee Smith) have been struggling since having their baby boy and Chris thinks he wants out.

For Michael the troubling grown up thought has coalesced around one thing. If he commits to being with Jenna for the rest of his life she will be the last woman he will ever kiss, a haunting prospect for a 29 year old who feels his best years are still ahead of him. When a college girl, Kim (Rachel Bilson), approaches him at a wedding he see's her beauty but it is her youth that reminds him of his past. He still feels college was the best time of his life. When Michael chances a tryst with Kim it's out of fear of the future as much or more than simply lust.

Directed by Tony Goldwyn from a script by Oscar winner Paul Haggis, The Last Kiss is smart in the ways it draws out these characters and their conflicts. The problems come from the fact that these characters, are childish, selfish and petulant, not exactly the kind of people you go to the movies to meet. Now, there is something to be said for how truthful these characters, true to themselves and their established natures, that still does not make them enjoyable.

Then there is the ending that employs a gimmick in order to resolve the conflict between two central characters. Because neither Goldwyn or Haggis could think of a smarter more mature way to resolve the picture we are left with a character resorting to extreme stubbornness to bring the movie to its conclusion. It's not an egregious issue, nothing that would keep me from recommending this otherwise likable film but it does keep the film from rising from a good movie to a really good movie.

Zach Braff is is quickly becoming a welcome presence on the big screen. His debut in Garden State was a revelation as Braff shows chops as an actor and director. As an actor for hire in The Last Kiss, Braff is rumored to have punched up his dialogue a bit at the behest of director Tony Goldwyn. Whether it was Braff or writer Paul Haggis, the writing of Michael is the smartest thing in the film. It's a difficult role because Michael rarely does what we in the audience want him to do. He more than risks being likable but because he is played by Zach Braff we forgive easier than we might with another actor.

Jascinda Barrett is a rising star who I first noticed in the little seen drama The Human Stain. Since then she was a small but winning presence in Bridget Jones 2 and she managed to survive the abysmal remake Poseidon. It's not just her lovely spokesmodel features, Barrett has a real talent for finding the depths of her characters. In The Last Kiss she wonderfully plays Jenna's contentment early on and her stunned sadness later as he entire world crashes around her.

Barrett's Jenna is central to Michael's plot but she is also deeply inolved in the films best subplot. Veterans Blythe Danner and Tom Wilkinson play Jenna's parents. Wilkinson's therapist believes everything is fine as does his daughter but Danner shows that everything is not okay when she decides to reveal an affair she had three years prior to the films timeline and decides to leave her husband. Danner has a fabulous moment where she meets up with the man she cheated with and is sad to find he is now happily married.

Watching Barrett play off Wilkinson and Danner is lovely and grounds the film in maturity when it desperately needs it. Without this subplot the film would be nothing but childish posturing and male pattern whining.

Arrested development is a popular theme in 2006. Characters in movies as varied as the stoner comedy Grandma's Boy, the romantic comedy Failure To Launch, Owen Wilson's Dupree in You Me and Dupree and Vince Vaughn in The Break Up, are all examples of men with severe fears of commitment and growing up. It is as if adulthood has replaced Freddy Krueger as the boogeyman of modern times.

The Last Kiss is the most mature of the group of films which make what used to be called Peter Pan syndrome their subject. These characters are no more willing to grow up but are more thoughtful about the subject than the examples I cited before. By that measure; The Last Kiss is a worthy effort. It helps to have such a naturally funny cast to pull it off.

Movie Review: The Wicker Man

The Wicker Man (2006)

Directed by Neil Labute 

Written by Neil Labute 

Starring Nicolas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Leelee Sobieski, Frances Conroy

Release Date September 2nd, 2006

Published September 1st, 2006

Director Neil LaBute's war of the sexes examinations of the male-female dynamic are some of the most caustic and elucidating treatises on men and women thus far brought to the screen. His In The Company of Men, Your Friends, and Neighbors and The Shape of Things are withering, gut wrenching contests of highly neurotic will. Each film a wringing of the writer-director's psyche on to the screen. To this point in his career LaBute had avoided simplistic metaphor in favor of the raw examination of his feelings of insecurity and inferiority.

For his latest film, however, LaBute has waded neck deep into the muck of a loaded metaphor. In The Wicker Man, a loose remake of 1973's horror thriller of the same title, LaBute places his battle of sexes inside a dopey thriller plot that any other director could have pulled out of his ass. Working uncomfortably within genre constraints, Labute chafes at his thriller plot which crowds out the more interesting ideas about men and women that he desperately crams into into sides of the picture.

Thus The Wicker Man becomes a dippy hodgepodge of thriller cliches and mixed metaphor. But mostly, it's  a tedious trip to the movies.

Edward Malus (Nicolas Cage) just received a letter from his ex-lover Willow (Kate Beahan) and was rather shocked at the content. This women he loved; who disappeared without saying goodbye some years earlier, is calling on him to come to a remote island off the coast of Washington state where a girl who may or may not be his daughter has gone missing.

Making the journey to the island, Edward encounters a society of women who worship nature and dominate the men of the island who are seemingly slaves. Lead by Sister Summerisle (Ellen Burstyn); there is a distinctly creepy vibe to this little cult despite the gentility of most residents.

Searching for the child Edward is stonewalled by everyone as someone is tries to make it seem as if the child never existed. The truth is a sinister twist you can likely see coming even if you have never seen the original 1973 Wicker Man. The only real shock you may get from The Wicker Man 2006 is in the credits when you see this dull witted, plodding mess is directed by the usually tart and ingenious writer-director Neil Labute.

Based on the British cult classic; The Wicker Man was reimagined by Neil LaBute as an examination of a society dominated by women. The female of the species have always fascinated LaBute whose debut picture In The Company of Men examined a pair of misogynists who take advantage of a beautiful blind woman only to have her destroy them. Your Friends & Neighbors was yet another navel gazing assessment of male female dynamics.

LaBute's most intense, and I think telling, portrayal of women was 2003's The Shape of Things in which a nerd, played by Paul Rudd, is reshaped, literally and figuratively, by a woman played by Rachel Weisz. The change in the nerdy exterior of Rudd's character is eventually revealed to be a large scale social experitment by Weisz's ambitious college student. This film exemplifies an idea that comes a little clearer in The Wicker Man, Neil LaBute is afraid of the power women wield over men.

Women can drive men to do anything in Neil LaBute's universe and men are ill equipped to stop them. In The Wicker Man all of the men of the island exist as breeding stock and nothing more. Cage may be an alpha male but he is naturally undone by the far more clever women who, even though their devious plot is too convoluted to be believed, control his every move.

This idea of LaBute examining his fear of women through a thriller story about a cult of powerful women is interesting but that is not really what we get in The Wicker Man. Rather, what came of the picture is a dull mystery about a dopey tough guy and a search for a missing girl that has all of the suspense of a David Spade movie.

Is it possible that Neil Labute lost control over this picture in the editing room? Given the exceptional talent he has shown in the past that is really the only explanation I can think of for the odd shifts in tone in the picture and the uncomfortable attempts to force suspense where none exists. A scene where Cage seeks a place to stay for a night finds Cage overacting and gesticulating in a vain attempt to give the scene some tension when in fact it is just a guy checking in to a slightly off-kilter inn.

Neil Labute is simply too talented to have crafted such a mess of a movie like The Wicker Man.

Nicolas Cage as a cop hunting for a missing girl on a remote pacific northwest island is the bare bones of a plot that includes references to the occult, to witchcraft, and druidism. Unfortunately, somewhere in the editing, the film became about the search for the missing girl, a red herring of immensely stupid proportion, and not about these eccentric and downright weird characters.

Neil LaBute, a master of dialogue and conniving characters, here settles for a mystery story that eschews any real examination of the characters. He sets up metaphors but never delivers the true subtext. You can infer from the fact that the island is home to a cult dominated by women with men kept as breeding stock; that LaBute is commenting subtextually about the power of women over men. However, LaBute never takes the time to examine the dynamic. All is inferred then shoved aside for more thriller genre goofiness.

The Wicker Man is a shockingly goofy movie that leaves one scratching his head; wondering how such talented people as Nicolas Cage and Neil LaBute could have made such a stunningly bad picture. The ambitions of both Cage and LaBute are visible around the edges but front and center is sheer goofiness that leaves its cast and creators with egg on their faces.

Movie Review Idlewild

Idlewild (2006) 

Directed by Bryan Barber

Written by Bryan Barber

Starring Andre Benjamin, Big Boi, Terrence Howard, Faizon Love, Paula Patton, Ving Rhames

Release Date August 25th, 2006 

Published August 26th, 2006 

I've seen bad movies and I've seen disappointing movies but I have never had a movie leave me with the kind of disappointment and frustration as Idlewild. After a sensational trailer that made the film look like an epic musical from hip hop's reigning duo, Idlewild turns out to be a wildly eclectic misfire of both filmic and musical proportions.

Idlewild tells two stories at once. Two pals, Rooster (Big Boi) and Percival (Andre 3000) are living their lives in Idlewild Georgia circa 1935, give or take a year. Rooster is a nightclub performer and part time thug who helps a mobster (Ving Rhames) move booze. Percival is Rooster's piano player but most of his time is spent working as an undertaker in his father's (Ben Vereen) mortuary.

Both Rooster and Percival have dreams well beyond the juke joints and southern climes of Idlewild. Rooster is a family man who longs for the days when there won't be a bullet with his name on it. Percival is a talented musician; who writes terrific songs that no one has ever heard. He dreams of one day leaving Idlewild for the big city's up north to perform his songs.

The two friends' lives are changed in a matter of days when a rival gangster named Trumpy (Terrence Howard) kills his way to the top of the liquor trade by killing Rooster's boss Ace (Faizon Love). This leaves the club in Rooster's hands and the ruthless mobster at his back.

Percival meanwhile is hit with a bolt of lightning in the form of Angel (Paula Patton); the feature act that Ace hired before he met his untimely end. Angel takes an immediate liking to the piano player and the two make beautiful music together on stage and off. Angel encourages Percival to leave Idlewild with her for a shot at stardom in Chicago, this despite a secret that threatens to cost both of them their lives.

These two plots compete for attention in a picture crowded with colorful characters whom director Brian Barber cannot find time for. Consider for a moment the supporting cast that includes Ving Rhames, Ben Vereen, Terrence Howard and makes little room for Patti LaBelle -in a blink and you miss it cameo-, Macy Gray, Paula Jai Parker (Hustle and Flow), and Bill Nunn. Characters are introduced very briefly, often unnamed because there is simply no time.

Barber simply has too many balls in the air, from his sprawling cast, to his lavish musical numbers to the love story and the gangster story and finally trying to coalesce all of this into a coherent conclusion. That he does manage to reign it all in at the end to give the film at least a sensible finale is quite a feat.

The story experience of Idlewild runs a distant second to the music of Idlewild which is seemingly the purpose of it all. Idlewild plays like an overlong concept music video collection. The competing storylines, gangsters and booze vs art and love story, play not unlike the last Outkast project, the dueling albums Speakerboxx/The Love Below.

Like that 2 disc collection, Andre 3000 and Big Boi in Idlewild are essentially working on different projects in which each makes a cameo in the other's story. The only differences are that this is a movie, not just a CD and it all comes together under one title instead of two.

Of course, the star of Idlewild is the music and again drawing parallels with Speakerboxx/The Love Below, Andre 3000's music is more daring, unique and entertaining than Big Boi's, only lacking Big Boi's showmanship which he uses to sell his best contribution to Idlewild, the song "Bowtie" a rousing introduction of his slickster character Rooster.

Andre 3000's musical contributions to Idlewild are a wildly eclectic mixture of hip hop and old school rhythm and blues piano arrangements. His musical repertoire, as he demonstrated on The Love Below and previous Outkast records, is seemingly limitless and he shows that once again in Idlewild. And Andre is as unique with his lyrics as with his music in Idlewild. Check the song "Chronomentrophobia" and don't bother looking up that title in the dictionary.

Idlewild as a movie is a jumbled, messy enterprise. As a collection of music videos, this a good, not great concept soundtrack. Andre 3000's work on Idlewild, much like on Speakerboxx/The Love Below, is superior to his partner Big Boi's but neither really reaches the heights of their previous works.

For Outkast fans, Idlewild is an easy recommendation, the music is by no means sub-par, just not as good as what came before. For non-fans Idlewild is an okay introduction to the work of Outkast, but you are better off grabbing a copy of Stankonia or Speakerboxx/The Love Below to get a real idea of the genius of Outkast.

Movie Review: 'Beerfest'

Beerfest (2006) 

Directed by Jay Chandrasekhar

Written by Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, Eric Stolhanske

Starring Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, Nat Faxon

Release Date August 25th, 2006 

Published August 27th, 2006

I must admit that I have never been a fan of the comedy stylings of the Broken Lizard comedy troupe. Their brand of frat boy juvenilia falls somewhere between the South Park guys shrill nihilism and fingernails on a blackboard as far as I'm concerned. So seeing their new film Beerfest, about an underground beer drinking Olympics, was not something that excited me.

My worst fears for how bad I assumed Beerfest would be were confirmed within the first 15 minutes of the film. Beerfest is yet another example of Broken Lizard's almost nihilistic approach to comedy, all grotesquerie, no real humor

Jan and Todd Wolfhouse (Paul Soter and Eric Stolhanske) have just lost their beloved grandfather. To honor his memory, at the request of their grandma (Cloris Leachman), they will fly to Germany to scatter gramps' ashes at his favorite spot Oktoberfest. Once in Germany the boys find themselves taken to an underground lair where a secret international beer drinking contest known as Beerfest is underway.

The German team, it turns out, are cousins of Jan and Todd. However, a family secret divides these clans and Jan and Todd find that grandpa and grandma have secrets that fall under the category of 'too much information', ick! To fight back against their evil German cousins and reclaim the name Wolfhouse from international infamy, the brothers decide to start the very first American beer drinking team.

Hooking up with some old college friends, including a scientist nicknamed Fink (Steve Lemme), a big fat hog named Landfill (Kevin Heffernen) and a former college ladies man and beer pong champion Barry (Jay Chandreskhar) who, in a perfect example of the broken lizard style of humor, has become an alcoholic male prostitute. Barry's current gig has him showing his privates to strangers for a dollar, hilarious gag or desperate cry for help from whoever wrote the bit? You decide, I'm going with the latter.

That is the problem with much of Broken Lizard's comedy stylings. So much of what they think is funny are half baked ideas that are often more grotesque than humorous. Take the introduction of the Fink character. His job as a scientist finds him masturbating frogs for cloning purposes. The gag at the end of the scene after the frog has climaxed is Fink lighting a cigarette, ho ho, how clever.

And that frog gag is likely the funniest bit in the movie. Funny in the kind of sad desperate way that marks much of Beerfest. The gags are all sad attempts to either out gross or out sick the likes of Jim Carrey or the Farrelly brothers. They achieve the grossness and sickness but they cannot find what makes it possible Carrey or the Farrelly's to push that gross envelope. There is no heart to Beerfest.

The Farrelly's especially make an effort to bring a heart to even their grossest outings. Broken Lizard does not do heart so gross is all they've got and for me that is not nearly enough.

I did not laugh once during Beerfest. Not once. I did not actively try not to laugh. I saw the film after watching the truly disappointing Idlewild and hoped that Beerfest might raise my spirits after such a thorough disappointment. Alas, Beerfest only worsened an already bad day at the movies by not providing one humorous moment.

From Donald Sutherland's shockingly awful cameo as the boys late grandfather to jokes about Cloris Leachman and a sausage to the masturbating frogs, there is nothing remotely funny about Beerfest. Even the drunkenness, the loads and loads of alcohol that is consumed by these characters fails to elicit a single laugh.

The Broken Lizard comedy troupe is simply too juvenile, too sophomoric and too unfunny to continue making movies. Dump them into a comedy central series next to equally unfunny comics like the blue collar comedy guys and shuffle them off the big screen. Their brand of humor belongs on late night cable where I can choose to ignore it in favor of yet another VH1 celebreality series.

Broken Lizard no longer belongs on the big screen where as a critic I am forced by job title to acknowledge their existence.

Movie Snakes on a Plane

Snakes on a Plane (2006) 

Directed by David R. Ellis 

Written by Sebastian Gutierrez 

Starring Samuel L. Jackson, Julianna Margulies, Rachel Blanchard, Flex Anderson, Lin Shaye, David Koechner 

Release Date August 18th, 2006 

Published August 17th, 2006 

The phenomenon that is Snakes on a Plane is one of the more remarkable marketing triumphs in history. New Line Cinema with the simple decision to abandon their preferred title of Pacific Air Flight 121 in favor of the working title placeholder Snakes on a Plane, created an uncontrollable internet sensation that they could not have planned or even imagined.

Now that the film itself is replacing the faked trailers, posters and audio clips, could it even come close to matching the pre-release hype? Yes and no. Yes, the film features seriously campy moments of ridiculous gore and foul mouthed fan requested dialogue. And no, the film was supposed to be either so bad it's good or actually be pretty good and it turned out to be neither.

Snakes on a Plane is simply nothing more than a bad movie with an eye catchingly simpleminded title.

There really is not much to describe in terms of plot. The title says almost all you need to know. There is a plane with snakes. To be more specific, a flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles carrying a federal witness, Sean played by Wolf Creek star Nathan Phillips, and a pair of FBI agents Neville Flynn (Jackson) and his partner John (Mark Houghton), is filled with poisonous snakes by a mob boss whom Sean witnessed murdering a prosecutor.

Also on board this flight are a group of caricatures and stereotypes who line up to be victims of the hissing, slithering bad guys. Flex Anderson plays a germ phobic rap star, Kenan Thompson -from Saturday Night Live- is his sassy, video game loving bodyguard. Julianna Marguilies, once an Emmy candidate on E.R, plays a flight attendant on her last trip alongside Farrelly brothers regular Lynn Shaye whose character just turned down early retirement. Comic actor David Koechner shows up to give the film a little comic jolt as the plane's politically incorrect pilot but his energy is quickly dissipated.

Maxim magazine regulars Rachel Blanchard and Elsa Pataky round out the cast of those with the best chance to survive, process of recognizability elimination, if we have a vague idea who you are you have a better chance of surviving. It's what would happen if the love boat turned into the titanic.

Blame director David R. Ellis who had shown a modicum of suspense skill in his previous high blood pressure thrillers Final Destination 2 and Cellular. In Snakes on a Plane Ellis can barely ring a few minor seat jumps from this story which would seem to have built in thrills. Snakes are falling from every opening, slithering up from every hole in the floor, the possibilities for them to strike are endless and yet Ellis never really establishes the tense situation beyond his colorful ideas as to where to attach a rubber snake to the human body.

As for star Samuel L. Jackson, it's difficult to decipher whether Jackson is in on the joke of Snakes on a Plane or the subject of the joke that is Snakes on a Plane. In interviews Jackson blasted the idea that the film would be full on camp and yet he was more than happy to include the joke phrase that internet fans demanded the creators put in the film. His delivery of the line "I'm tired of these motherf*****g snakes, on this motherf*****g plane" does rouse the audience but it seems to lack conviction and feels more than a little forced.

With something as cheeseball goofy as Snakes on a Plane you can't help but have a few cheap thrills to enjoy. It's nearly impossible not to enjoy watching the plane's resident jerky passenger, the pushy fastidious complainer guy, get his snakey comeuppance. There are also some very creative ways to dispose of snakes such as with a lighter taped to the side of a bottle of hairspray or the kickboxer with the quick squishing kick.

These momentary thrills along with a high gore quotient will be more than enough for some people. For me however, I checked out during the scene in which a nameless extra is using the toilet and ends up with a snake attached to a very sensitive portion of his body. There are cheap jokes and then there is simple crass exploitation. I should not have expected anything less from Snakes on a Plane but that does not dismiss my disgust and dismay.

Criticizing Snakes on a Plane for being mindless is as futile as... well.. being trapped on a cross pacific flight with boxes of angry poisonous snakes. You simply have to accept fate. Snakes on a Plane was going to be brainless from the moment it was conceived. It was a dullard idea when the first screenwriter put fingers to keyboard to type it out.

Still there was the potential here for some camp fun, there in fact is a little camp fun, but there is simply not nearly enough fun for me to recommend Snakes on a Plane.

Movie Review Material Girls

Material Girls (2006) 

Directed by Martha Coolidge 

Written by Jessica O'Toole, Amy Rardin 

Starring Hilary Duff, Haylie Duff, Anjelica Huston, Lukas Haas, Brent Spiner, Maria Conchita Alonso 

Release Date August 18th, 2006 

Published August 20th, 2006 

Trashing a movie like Material Girls is like shooting fish in a barrel. You could rip this movie just from having seen the press materials. So how does a critic approach a movie like this? My tactic is to try and be understanding of the niche audience the film is meant to entertain. In the case of Material Girls, the audience is 12 year old girls. So, what do 12 year old girls have in store for them in Material Girls? Nothing they haven't seen before. Vapid, shallow starlets in haute couture learning shallow lessons about love and family and how to be yourself.

Is the movie funny? Not to me. But, will the target audience laugh?

The Marchetta sisters Ava (Haylie Duff) the oldest, and younger sister Tanzy (Hilary Duff) are privileged Hollywood socialites living in the lap of luxury thanks to the fortune provided by their late father's cosmetics company. They are the face of the company, modeling the products on billboards across the globe affording them a lavish lifestyle of parties and rich friends.

Secretly however Tanzy harbors the ambition to go college and become a chemist while Ava looks to become the wife of a famous TV star. Things go bad for the Marchetta's when a shady reporter breaks a story that Marchetta cosmetics are causing consumers to get nasty rashes. This just as a ruthless rival, Fabiella (Angelica Huston), makes an offer to buy the company, something the girls top advisor and their father's former best friend Tommy (Brent Spiner) suggests they do.

The girls are more stubborn than expected, they plan to fight for their father's company. Unfortunately the scandal bankrupts them, a fire takes their fabulous mansion and Ava's TV star fiance dumps her. This jovian series of events leaves the girls living in the ghetto with their loving maid Inez (Maria Conchita Alonzo) and seeking the help of the common people they had so long looked down their noses at.

The characters may evoke comparisons to the famous Hilton sisters or even Mary Kate and Ashley Olson, but Material Girls is no satirical gloss on excess in celeb-land. Rather, this is yet another simpleminded exercise in teen girl empowerment. The message of Material Girls is to be false and bad things will happen, be true to yourself and good things will happen. There are post cards with as much wisdom that cost a lot less than the price of a ticket to see this film.

A pair of pencil thin Hollywood sisters telling America's teens that being yourself is the true path to happiness has a falseness to it that is far too obvious to bother pointing out. But trashing a movie like Material Girls for being shallow is like criticizing the clouds for the rain. This movie was shallow from the moment it was conceived to the day director Martha Coolidge completed principle photography.

For her part Martha Coolidge does little to distinguish herself as a director. Material Girls is not a movie that will stand out on a resume, even one whose biggest highlight is the TV movie Introducing Dorothy Dandridge, a slight but compelling memoir. It's not that Coolidge is unskilled but her talents are put to task in Material Girls creating something so superficial and so mindless that whatever skills she has feel like wasted effort.

The Duff sisters are a pair of attractive young women who at the very least can rely on their looks to draw a crowd. It's a shame that the only pleasure derived from Material Girls comes from objectifying the two lovely young stars but you have to take what you can get when it comes to something as insipid and banal as Material Girls.

Among other very minor pleasures to be found in Material Girls it's nice to see Lukas Haas get some mainstream Hollywood work. His role as a legal aid lawyer and love interest for Haylie Duff is nothing to get excited about but I have always liked Haas, all the way back to his breakout performance as the mute child of Witness.

Shallow, mindless, a waste of film. All valid criticisms of Material Girls. All judgements I could have made without having seen the film. I did see the film. The key assessment is that this movie was not made with 30 year old film critics in mind. This is a movie made for the attention spans of the modern 12 year old girl. Whether or not they like the film I have no idea. I know that if I had a 12 year old daughter I would not want to expose her to such a vapid waste of 90 minutes.

Movie Review: Accepted

Accepted (2006) 

Directed by Steve Pink 

Written by Adam Cooper, Bill Collage, Mark Perez 

Starring Justin Long, Blake Lively, Anthony Heald, Jonah Hill, Lewis Black, Columbus Short 

Release Date August 18th, 2006 

Published August 19th, 2006 

The college comedy is a genre all it's own. It has conventions and clichés and stock characters. The latest example of the genre, Accepted starring Justin Long, breaks no new ground in the college comedy genre. It's a slight, forgettable little comedy that has a more than a few redeeming qualities but not much to recommend it.

Justin Long stars in Accepted as Bartleby Gaines an underachieving slacker whose inattention to his schoolwork has left him without a college acceptance letter. Every school he applied to has rejected him. Even Ohio State! His safety school. With his parents breathing down his neck Bartleby launches one of those only in the movies kind of schemes, he starts his own college.

With the help of his computer nerd best friend Sherman (Jonah Hill), who got into the hometown school Harmon College, Bartleby founds the South Harmon Institute of Technology, if you don't get the joke of that name don't worry the film will explain it again and again and again. At first it's just a very convincing website and acceptance letter but when mom and dad insist on driving Bartleby to school he makes the drastic choice to use his tuition check to rent a building.

Bartleby is not alone in his rejection and acceptance of this wacky scheme. Joining Bartleby at South Harmon is his pal Hands (Columbus Short) who lost his football scholarship after an injury and Rory (Maria Thayer) a Ivy league wannabe who only applied to Yale and swore off other college's after being rejected. Pooling their collective tuitions they rent and renovate an old psychiatric hospital and manage to fool their parents into thinking South Harmon is for real.

Unfortunately they also convince a bunch of other rejects who show up at South Harmon expecting their freshman year. Can Bartleby and friends keep up the ruse of South Harmon or will they be headed to jail on fraud charges. If you don't know already then you probably haven't seen very many movies.

Predictability is not the biggest problem with Accepted. It's biggest problem is Director Steve Pink and writers Bill Collage and Adam Cooper who fail to put their own unique spin on the requirements of the college comedy genre. While director Pink does a good job of keeping up an energetic pace and his cast crafts some lovable characters, there is not one college comedy cliche that Accepted manages to avoid.

The bad guys are the crusty dean from the rival college played with extra crust by Anthony Heald. The dean is joined, in typical Animal House fashion, by a group of overprivileged white frat boys lead by Arian dreamboat Travis Van Winkle. No points for guessing that Travis's character, Hoyt Ambrose, has a hot but very sweet girlfriend who also has eyes for Bartleby. The lovely Blake Lively is Monica who you can bet won't be with Hoyt much longer than the plot deems necessary.

Wait, you won't believe it, there is a bigtime party in the movie too, that happens to be on the same night as major bash thrown by the evil frat guys. No points again for guessing that the bad guys are crashing our heroes party with vague threats and evil intent. These scenes have been repeated more times than I or you can count and there is nothing even remotely original about them in Accepted.

I have said in countless reviews of similar genre pictures that the key to genre filmmaking is not originality but rather taking the established conventions of genre and simply doing them better or at the very least slightly different than they have been done before. Accepted simply repeats the conventions with different actors. These are some very good actors but we've heard all of the jokes before.

The film becomes almost saccharine near the end when a full of himself Bartleby gives one of those rousing the troops speeches that becomes an earnest defense of his wacky scheme. This almost works because we like Justin Long as Bartleby but the speech is simply another of the many clichés that Accepted doesn't just repeat it relies upon.

Accepted has a secret weapon in comedian Lewis Black. Brought in as a burnout ex-educator to be South Harmon's Dean, Black brings his sardonic, downer persona to Accepted and gives the film it's one shot of originality. Doling out his opinions on the education system, taxes and bureaucracy, like he was delivering one of his brilliant stand up routines, Black teaches the kids of South Harmon more about the real world than anything they could learn at a real college even if it is delivered with severe cynicism.

Justin Long is an appealing young actor who has been turning heads in supporting roles since his breakout turn on TV's Ed. He came to mainstream attention as the youngest member of Vince Vaughn's Dodgeball team and turned in a radically different cameo as a gay art gallery employee in Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston's The Break Up earlier this summer.

Now, in his first starring role in a mainstream comedy, Long shows a great deal of charisma and charm but the role is to familiar to be as funny as it could be. There is simply nothing that Long can do to break the mold of the classic, fast talking, quick witted campus legend. It's the mold put in place by past college comedy leads like Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder or Jeremy Piven in the cult classic P.C.U. It's a template with it's roots in classic Bugs Bunny cartoons where our hero is always imperiled but also always one step ahead of that peril thanks to his quick wits.

Originality is not a prerequisite in a college comedy genre. There are some unavoidable conventions of the genre that filmmakers simply cannot avoid. What the better filmmakers do is try and twist those conventions with their own unique vision. Unfortunately director Steve Pink lacked the vision to bring any new twists to Accepted which wastes a terrifically likable cast on a retread of every cliché in the book.

Movie Review Pulse

Pulse (2006) 

Directed by Jim Sonzero 

Written by Wes Craven 

Starring Kristen Bell, Ian Somerhalder, Christina Millian, Zach Grenier, Octavia Spencer 

Release Date August 11th, 2006 

Published August 12th, 2006 

After The Grudge and The Ring became major hits Harvey Weinstein the imperial head of Miramax/Dimension films put the film Pulse in turnaround meaning he did not want to make it. Weinstein saw that the film had nothing new to offer and was merely a sad retread of J-horror cliches. When Weinstein and his brother Bob left Miramax for their own company the new owners decided to make the movie.

If only they had listened to Harvey. Pulse is just what Weinstein saw when he pulled the plug on the film, a dull, uninspired horror retread.

Mattie Webber (Kristen Bell) has not seen her boyfriend Josh (Jonathan Tucker) in days. He doesn't answer his phones or respond to email. When she finally finds him at his apartment he is ashen and bruised. He disappears into another room and when Mattie follows him she finds him hanging himself with a phone cord.

Josh's suicide is part of a rash of suicides in the area that are linked to a creepy website that invites viewers to see ghosts. Visitors to the site are soon ghosts themselves, turning to ash, melting into walls and walking off buildings. With her friends disappearing one by one Mattie seeks the help of the man who bought Josh's old computer, Dexter (Ian Somerhalder) to find out just what caused Josh and everyone else to want to die.

Pulse is based on the incomprehensible japanese horror flick Kairo which I watched and was completely baffled by. The Americanization of Kairo at the very least clarifies the plot but that is really the film's only positive quality. Director Jim Sonzero crafts a typically murky, gray-green horror film that mimics the look of The Ring and The Grudge right down to the perky blonde lead.

I don't mean to write off Kristen Bell as merely perky and blonde. The feisty star of TV's Veronica Mars is a terrific young actress with a very bright future who simply made a bad choice in accepting a Japanese horror film off the scrap heap of dozens of J-horror flicks still awaiting an American adaptation. Bell has all american girl looks with a smart sexy smirk that is sadly dimmed by the dreary scare free atmospherics of Jim Sonzero's uninspired direction.

There is an interesting idea lost in the morass of Pulse. The film's plot combines vague assertions to George Romero and The Matrix. The dead emerging from our technology to suck out our souls is an anti-technology message right after the heart of any luddite or technophobe. Unfortunately director Jim Sonzero lacks the imagination to give this idea a proper examination. Instead, what we get is gray-green fuzziness and typical horror movie tropes.

All of the film's attempts at scares are hackneyed horror cliches in which friends and ghosts jump out from dark corners just as the film's soundtrack reaches a stilted, screeching crescendo causing our heroes to leap and scream. Maybe if you haven't seen this before you might get a bit of a jump but by the 10th or 15th time this scene repeats in Pulse you will be more irritated than jumpy.

Murky, dreary and dull, Pulse is a tension free horror slog through tame PG-13 scares. An interesting idea of the horrors of our modern Wi-Fi society squandered by direction that lacks imagination and ingenuity. When even the spunky, sexy Kristen Bell cannot break free of the dank, gloomy listlessness you know the film must be truly awful.

Not even hardcore horror fans, or fans of the Japanese original Kairo, will find anything worth watching in Pulse.