Movie Review Pirate Radio

Pirate Radio/The Boat That Rocked (2009) 

Directed by Richard Curtis

Written by Richard Curtis

Starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Bill Nighy, Kenneth Branagh, Rhys Ifans, Nick Frost, Emma Thompson

Release Date April 1st, 2009 

Published November 12th, 2009 

Oh how sad, a good premise gone bad. Pirate Radio has a sensational premise. Set in 1966 it tells the story of a Rock N' Roll radio station moored off the shores London. Why is the radio station on a ship in the Atlantic? Because 1966 was the year that rock music was banned in the UK. Brilliant subversives took the cause of rock n roll to the sea and broadcast rock, soul and pop tunes to millions.

If you think the premise is good, how about the fact that Pirate Radio is written and directed by Richard Curtis, the brilliant mind behind Four Weddings and A Funeral and Love Actually, with a cast that includes Oscar winner Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Bill Nighy, Kenneth Branagh, January Jones and Emma Thompson. How could this have gone so very, very wrong?

Pirate Radio tells the story of some heroic music lovers. Quentin (Bill Nighy) is the fun loving; sea-faring owner of Rock Radio, the most listened to pirate radio station on the high seas. His ratings are high thanks to an American DJ known as The Count (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) and a collection of oddball jocks including failed comic Angus (Rhys Darby), shy morning guy Simon (Chris O'Dowd) and ladies man Dave (Nick Frost).

Together they roll the high seas rocking, drinking and engaging in general debauchery. Or so we are told, one of the failings of Pirate Radio is how often the film leaves the best stuff off screen. This is supposed to be a movie about rock radio in the 60’s. Girls, drugs, booze, sex. And yet, we rarely see any of it. It's one thing to imply wild, rock n'roll good times but Pirate Radio can't even imply good times well enough.

Into this allegedly wild environment young Carl (Tom Sturridge) arrives. Kicked out of school for some reason, Carl's mom (Emma Thompson) sends him to stay with Quentin who may or may not be his father. What Carl or his new roommate, known to everyone on the boat as Thick Kevin (Tom Brooke) , do in exchange for staying on the boat is anyone’s guess.

Then again, motivation for any of these characters is lacking throughout Pirate Radio. So truncated is the character development in Pirate Radio that scenes arrive, exist and disappear seemingly at random. One moment a character is on the radio and in the next he's sitting around with the other DJ's laughing and drinking and while it's all congenial, even occasionally funny, there isn't much of anything going on.

Tension is supposed to build with the arrival of a new DJ named Gavin (Rhys Ifans) but again we aren't sure why. Yes, he's cocky and dismissive but we know too little about him or the people he rubs the wrong way to care why anyone is so terribly upset. Gavin is initiated in a bizarre contest with the Count that wastes a good 10 minutes of screen time.

Kenneth Branagh, playing the necessary villain as the officious government prat Sir Allistair Dormandy, is the only actor to discover his character's purpose. Though his proper British stiff is well lampooned he too lacks nuance beyond repeatedly defining himself as a jerk. At least he has a definition. Branagh's put upon assistant Mr. Twatt, yes you read that right, is a one note joke that gets less funny each time it is uttered.

There may be a behind the scenes reason for the complete failure of Pirate Radio. The film was released 8 months ago in England; then called The Boat That Rocked. The film was 20 or so minutes longer and allegedly had a lot more character stuff. Maybe, just maybe, there is something in there to explain the actions of these characters and give them depth beyond the caricatures. Then again, as it is Pirate Radio feels over long; making the film longer has rarely improved any movie.

Then again, there is a rumor that the original didn't have this version's prolonged, shipwreck of an ending, or at least didn't linger on it as much as this version does. That could definitely be an improvement. No matter what the first version of Pirate Radio/The Boat that Rocked looked like this version stinks out loud.

Movie Review Pink Panther 2

Pink Panther 2 (2009) 

Directed by Harald Zwart

Written by Steve Martin, Scott Neustader, Michael H. Weber

Starring Steve Martin, Jean Reno, Alfred Molina, Emily Mortimer, Aishwarya Rai, Andy Garcia 

Release Date February 6th, 2009 

Published February 6th, 2009 

Steve Martin used to be funny. I know it. I think. Wait, yes. Yes, Steve Martin was funny. The Jerk was funny. His first few SNL hosting gigs were funny. Three Amigos was funny. It's just that in the last decade or so Steve Martin has been so terribly unfunny that it's easy to forget when he was funny. The bad has been overwhelming the good in recent years. 

Arguably, the nadir of the last decade of Martin's career came when he chose to replace the late great Peter Sellers in The Pink Panther. Martin's The Pink Panther was a slipshod, insulting and stupid little kids movie that showcased Martin as still being able to do a pratfall but not being funny while doing it.  Somehow, Martin has convinced himself that the mess of Pink Panther was ok enough that we need another Pink Panther and though this sequel is slightly more coherent than the first film; Steve Martin remains terribly, forgettable, unfunny.

Inspector Clousseau (Martin) has been busted back down to parking duty when we join the story. However, when the Pink Panther diamond is threatened by a thief who's been stealing treasures all over the world, France turns to Clouseau and a dream team of worldwide investigators to solve the crime. Joining Clouseau in this dream team is Italian ladies man Vincenzo (Andy Garcia), British deductor Pepperidge (Alfred Molina), Japanese tech wizard Kenji (Yuki Matsuzaki) and an alluring true crime writer Sonia (Aishwarya Rai). No points for guessing that one of the dream team is really the bad guy.

Can someone explain to me why Steve Martin and the makers of the Pink Panther movies think the word Hamburger is so hilariously funny? The first film spent far too much of its run time working over that word and the gag continues in the sequel and even less effectively. I'm baffled, why this running gag? Why the word Hamburger? 

Then again, to try and locate some kind of comedic logic in the modern Pink Panther movies is a truly lost cause. This is a movie that still believes politically correct jokes are funny. Lily Tomlin shows up as an American working for the French government trying to fix Clouseau's penchant for politically incorrect statements. The last time these jokes were funny President Clinton was in office.

The Pink Panther 2 is somehow not as bad as the first film but that is a supremely low bar. Dull, witted and predictable, the overall feeling one can take away from Pink Panther 2 is disappointment. Disappointment over the fact that we know Steve Martin used to be funny and he just isn't anymore. And disappointment that The Pink Panther used to be entertaining before it became entwined with Steve Martin. 

Movie Review Pineapple Express

Pineapple Express (2008) 

Directed by David Gordon Green 

Written by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg 

Starring Seth Rogen, James Franco, Gary Cole, Rosie Perez, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson, Bill Hader

Release Date August 6th, 2008 

Published August 5th, 2008

Pineapple Express is arguably the Citizen Kane of stoner movies. In this tiny comedic sub-genre there is little competition to overcome, nevertheless this witty, oddly violent pot comedy squeezes more laughs out of its stoner heroes than 2 Harold and Kumar movies combined. That is likely because of the behind the scenes all star team involved.

The guys behind Superbad and Knocked Up, writer, actor Seth Rogen, his writing partner Evan Goldberg and producer Judd Apatow combine their talent for stoners with a heart of gold with the tremendous directorial skill of indie veteran David Gordon Green to create a stoner comedy that, at the very least, is better than any of the stoner comedies to come before it.

Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) is a pot smoking, talk radio loving, process server who spends his time in costume delivering subpoenas for a living while really living for his next hit. Dale's dealer is Saul (James Franco) a sweet, good natured drug dealer who thinks Dale is his friend when in reality, they wouldn't know each other if Saul didn't sell pot.

Saul has just come into possession of some new weed called Pineapple Express. It is supposed to be grown in such a unique way that it actually gets you higher than any other pot in existence. Saul sells some to Dale who is unfortunately smoking it in front of the home of another drug dealer, Ted Jones (Gary Cole), when he witnesses the dealer kill a man.

Leaving behind his rare weed, Dale is convinced that the joint can be used to find Saul and if they find Saul, that would lead to finding him. And he's right. Ted and a corrupt police officer, played by Rosie Perez, identify the weed and go after Saul who goes on the run with Dale and well, a whole lot of stuff happens and a whole lot of stuff gets smoked.

Pineapple Express is the rare comedy that zigs when you think it will zag. Unpredictability is the film's hallmark as instead of just bumbling through a series of gags, director David Gordon Green goes for edgy comedic violence and often leaves your jaw dropped with it. Some of the violence is painfully funny, some of it is shocking but all of it serves the purposes of the plot that propels from one entertaining scene to the next.

Seth Rogen and James Franco make for a terrific comic team. Exhibiting the kind of male bonded performance that is now the hallmark of the Apatow brand of comedy, Pineapple Express has given rise to the term Bromance to describe the extraordinarily close yet platonic bond between two male best friends. Rogen and Franco do everything short of make out to demonstrate how much they care about each other and the more they push the line, the funnier it gets.

Pineapple Express doesn't reach the comedic highs of Superbad or Knocked Up but as stoner comedies go, it doesn't get much better than this. Terrifically funny, surprising and shockingly violent, Pineapple Express never goes where you expect it to. Rogen, Apatow and now David Gordon Green are at the forefront of modern comedy and now with Pineapple Express they can continue to write their own ticket in Hollywood.

Write it, roll it up and smoke it, if they want to.

Movie Review Pet Cemetery

Pet Cemetery (2019)

Directed by Kevin Kolsch, Dennis Widmyer 

Written by Jeff Buhler

Starring Jason Clarke, John Lithgow, Amy Siemetz 

Release Date April 15th, 2019

Published April 14th, 2019

Jason Clarke, what happened man? I thought we were cool. I loved your work in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes but since then, you just keep letting me down. Winchester? Chappaquiddick? Serenity? Everest? The worst Terminator movie? What’s up man? What are you doing? You’re better than this. It’s clear your agent is a demon from the lower realms. Otherwise, I cannot explain the repeated terrible decisions that have culminated in Pet Cemetery. (Yes, I know the movie misspells ‘Cemetery’ with intent and I don’t care.)

Pet Cemetery is an adaptation of a rather weak Stephen King story about, wait for it, you won’t believe it when I tell you, a family in Maine. I know, right? A Stephen King movie in Maine, that almost always happens in his stories. This family is made up of Louis (Clarke), a doctor, his stay at home wife and mother of his children, Rachel (Amy Siemetz), daughter Ellie (Jete Lawrence) and a 2 year old son, Gage (Hugo Lavoie).

This particular family in Maine has made the mistake of hiring the most sadistic realtor in history. How else to explain selling the family a cottage so close to a busy, semi-truck heavy, highway that it's a hazard to be standing near, let alone attempting to cross. And in the backyard? Oh just a gate that leads to the realm of the dead and a creepy pet cemetery where local kids go to bury their pets while inexplicably wearing the kinds of Halloween masks that would give themselves nightmares for days. Seriously, are these kids supposed to be in a cult? No kid does this and isn't desperately mentally ill.

So, the death highway on one side and the gate between the living and the dead on the other: let’s watch what happens next. John Lithgow, so far beneath his dignity and talent he appears to be attempting to cry for help using the crinkling wrinkles of his bad makeup job as some kind of funky visual code. Lithgow is the idiot who informs his new neighbor about the hell’s gate behind his home after hearing that Ellie’s cat, Church, has been hit on the death highway.

He does this despite being fully aware of the curse on the hell’s gate. He had a dog as a kid and discovered the terrible power of the woods to bring back the dead in physical form but not in a recognizably happy or emotionally well adjusted form. They don’t come back the same and that’s certainly the case with the once cuddly Church, who returns in a deeply dyspeptic mood. He’s mean and has claws at the ready for everyone in the family.

Despite this glaring evidence of awfulness, Louis the utter dimwit, chooses not to put Church back into the actual realm of the dead with a humane syringe full of sleepy juice. Nope, he lets the cat go in the woods only to see it return and start the third act. I won’t spoil anything here, there are variations from both the book and the 1989 version of Pet Cemetery that I will allow misguided souls who wish to suffer this movie to discover for themselves.

I will say that not a single thing about the third act is nearly as scary as this overly insistent score claims it is. The twists and turns of the third act of Pet Cemetery are a procession of mediocre jump scares, poor decision making at the necessity of an idiot plot and unexplained weirdness. Mom has a plot in the movie that makes so little sense in the movie that I want to write a sonnet on just how ill-considered this subplot is. It’s really a wonder to watch the filmmakers introduce this plot and bail on giving it any kind of rationale.

If there is one thing in Pet Cemetery that is remotely effective, it’s the one thing that is all about me and nothing to do with how the movie works. I have a traumatic fear of seeing an Achilles Tendon sliced. It’s a fear that is entirely irrational and all my own. It started in childhood, perhaps with the original Pet Cemetery, and it has been an all consuming, gut-wrenching, personal nightmare ever since. I give the filmmakers here zero credit for tapping that particular well in my mind. They gave away this particular scare in the trailer which gave me ample time to leave the theater until the moment passed.

Pet Cemetery is a terrible, borderline unwatchable mediocrity. Honestly, I wish Pet Cemetery were a more conventionally bad movie. Instead, Pet Cemetery is bad in the least interesting ways. The acting is boring, the scares are bland, the direction is uninteresting. It’s all got an air of professional polish but nothing stands out as being very good. It’s bad but not in a bold or original way, it doesn’t take any chances.

I hate a number of movies for a number of reasons but I respect bad movies that take big old swings and misses. That’s interesting, being way off the mark, really missing the boat takes vision and care. The Room is that kind of movie. A visionary bad movie with a singular perspective that happens to be the exact wrong singular perspective. To a lesser extent, Suicide Squad is an example of interesting bad. They had a terrible idea how to make that movie and they stuck to their guns and failed in a spectacular fashion that I can’t help but respect a little.

No one who made Pet Cemetery appears to care about what they are doing. There is a distinct workman-like approach to Pet Cemetery, as if everyone were working hard toward building something they had no personal investment in. They could all be building different parts of a couch to be assembled and delivered as much care and personal involvement. It would be a sturdy couch but lumpy and ill-suited to all other decor.

That’s a wordy, snarky, jerky, way of saying Pet Cemetery is bad and don’t waste your money on it. As for Jason Clarke, whom I addressed at the start of this review: come back to us man. It’s not too late. I still think you can act. I still see that awesome performance in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes somewhere behind those mostly dead eyes. It’s not too late man, you can pull out the skid. I see you’re moving to television, that’s a really good first step.

Movie Review Percy Jackson and the Olympians

Percy Jackson and the Olympians The Lightning Thief (2010) 

Directed by Chris Columbus

Written by Craig Titley 

Starring Logan Lerman, Brandon T. Jackson, Alexandra Daddario, Sean Bean, Pierce Brosnan, Steve Coogan, Rosario Dawson, Catherine Keener, Uma Thurman 

Release Date February 12th, 2010

Published February 11th, 2010 

All Percy Jackson needs is a little forehead scar to complete the shadow of Harry Potter that lurks all throughout this unexceptional effort to craft another teen appeal sequel machine. Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, based on a popular series of novels from an author achingly jealous of the millions raked in by J.K Rowling, even goes so far as to hire former Potter director Chris Columbus just to make sure you don't miss the connection.

Logan Lerman is the titular Percy Jackson, a gap model good looking kid rendered a nerd for the purpose of making him relatable. As we join the story Percy and his pal Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) are sitting by the pool waiting for the plot to kick in. When it finally does, Percy finds out that he is a demi-god, the long abandoned son of the god Poseidon (Kevin McKidd from TV's Grey's Anatomy).

This is revealed to Percy after one of his teacher’s morphs into a bat-winged demon and tries to kill him for stealing Zeus's lightning bolt. Zeus is played by that master of stern blandness Sean Bean (Lord of the Rings). Zeus's bolt is the most powerful force in the universe and somehow he has allowed it to be stolen by a kid who can hardly pass a 10th grade lit class. This does not speak well of the Gods.

The embarrassment and anger is likely to lead to a war of the gods unless Percy, Grover and Percy's assigned love interest, fellow demi-god Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario), can find the bolt and the thief and return them to Mt. Olympus which for tourism purposes is located in the Empire State Building.

At least J.K Rowling had the inventiveness to create her own world from scratch in Harry Potter, Percy Jackson rips the work of hundreds of years for its remarkably dull characters. Drawing on centuries of stories about the gods and their offspring, the story of Percy Jackson as adapted by Craig Titley from Rick Riordan's unexceptional book series, manages to be dull about characters with unlimited powers and astonishing back stories.

Then again, this is only the introduction. Percy Jackson is set to be a film series and thus all that is required here is a primer on Percy and the other lead characters including the aforementioned gods, best friend, love interest and Pierce Brosnan as, arguably, the most dignified half-man half horse in film history.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on Percy Jackson, the Olympians and the lightning thief. It is, like so many modern studio features, merely a sequel machine meant to pump out just enough plot for us to come back next time. Why should anyone really ask anymore from a film with such a limited goal?

Sure, J.K Rowling and her film partners have taken her work and enhanced and enriched it on screen with each subsequent film to the point where the film work is as grand as or even grander than it is on the page. But why should every movie have to have such aspiration, especially when modern audiences don't seem to require that much hard work.

Ah, Percy; for a compromised rip-off teen friendly franchise you're not so bad.

Movie Review Penguins of Madagascar

Penguins of Madagascar (2016) 

Directed by Eric Darnell, Simon J. Smith

Written by Michael Colton, John Aboud 

Starring Tom McGrath, Chris Miller, Christopher Knights, Benedict Cumberbatch, Ken Jeong, John Malkovich

Release Date November 26th, 2016

Published November 27th, 2016

What is the point of reviewing "Penguins of Madagascar?" I know this movie was not made with my particular sensibilities in mind. I could say it's my job to appraise ``Penguins of Madagascar '' and other such films but you know that already and it doesn't really justify the point either; unless you're as deeply concerned about my work obligations as I am. 

So, why do I write about "Penguins of Madagascar?" I don't know, why don't I write something and see if I arrive at a point. That could be fun, or funny or a complete waste of both of our time. 

Skipper, Rico, Kowalski and Private are side characters generated for the series of "Madagascar" cartoons that justified their existence by giving big stars like Ben Stiller and Chris Rock major paychecks that they otherwise might not have gotten. The Penguins then proven to be so winning with audiences that they were spun off for their own TV series on Nickelodeon. I have never seen, nor do I have any knowledge of the cartoon series beyond the fact of its existence. I can assume that because it exists, the Penguins must be popular. 

"Penguins of Madagascar" serves as an origin story for how our four flippered heroes came together and became super secret government agents of some sort. First, we see them as children rescuing the egg that would become Private, the cute one. This will be Private's journey even more than the rest as he attempts to rise from being 'the cute one' to being a valued member of the team, Skipper's favored phrase for praising Rico and Kowalski. 

Private gets his chance to improve his status when the foursome is kidnapped by Dave the Octopus (John Malkovich), a revenge seeking former zoo-mate from the Bronx zoo. Seems everywhere Dave went he briefly became a star before the Penguins showed up, upstaged him with their cuteness, and left him to rot in under-filled tanks with zero adoring fans. Now, Dave wants revenge, not just on our heroes but all Penguins everywhere. 

Attempting to thwart Dave is "North Wind" a super-secret spy organization headed up by Agent Classified (Benedict Cumberbatch) and his team of wild animal heroes that includes the voices of Ken Jeong, Annette Mahendru and Peter Stormare. You will have to see the movie to get the joke about the name Agent Classified, it's a runner and it's kind of amusing. 

I've painted all of the pictures of the plot that are necessary so where do I go from here? How about.... Is "Penguins of Madagascar '' funny? Yeah, kind of. I realize that's not a great answer but this isn't a great movie either. The jokes are groaning familiar from other modern referential and self-aware animated movies. There isn't a great deal to the modest joy of "Penguins of Madagascar '' that you couldn't get from a 500th viewing of "Despicable Me" or any of the "Madagascar '' movies. 

In fact, the more I think of it, the less reason there is for "Penguins of Madagascar '' to exist at all. The animation isn't too far off from a random video game. The humor is derivative, the characters fun and cute but nothing much about them is memorable beyond one of them having the lovingly English tones of Benedict Cumberbatch. The lead performers are all unknown voice actors who are fine to listen to but don't leave much of an impression. 

Ahh, but you ask: Will my kids like it? Probably? It depends how discerning your child is. If you have a kid with some flair and taste he or she will likely squirm through the movie in hopes of getting on to something more worthy of their attention. If you have a kid who just likes pretty colors, loud noise and animals that talk,. then yes, yes that child will likely enjoy, consume and forget "Penguins of Madagascar" in short order. 

So, have I justified writing about "Penguins of Madagascar?"

Movie Review Penelope

Penelope (2008) 

Directed by Mark Palansky 

Written by Leslie Caveny

Starring Christina Ricci, James McAvoy, Catherine O'Hara, Peter Dinklage, Richard E. Grant, Reese Witherspoon

Release Date February 29th, 2008

Published June 25th, 2008

The Wilhern family has been cursed for generations ever since a great uncle impregnated and abandoned a commoner who subsequently killed herself. That girl's mother happened to be a local witch who placed a curse on the family. It would be visited on the first daughter born to a Wilhern woman. She would be born with the features of a pig.

Decades and generations passed with the lucky births of only male children until Penelope was born. Born to Catherine and Franklin Wilhern in 1970's London, Penelope immediately became an urban legend and journalists crawled through the walls in attempts to get a photo of the pig girl.

One of those reporters was Lemon (Peter Dinklage) who lost an eye to Catherine when he leapt from a kitchen bread basket attempting to get Penelope's photo. The family was forced to fake Penelope's death in order to give her a peaceful upbringing. Now, with word that the curse could be lifted if someone of similar lineage were to fall in love with Penelope, the girl with the pig nose is eager for love and marriage.

With the help of a matchmaker, Wanda (Ronnie Ancona), Penelope and her mother have vetted almost every blue blood in the country including a venal shipping heir, Edward Vanderman (Simon Woods) who was so frightened by her features that he leapt through a window. He was the first of her many suitors to escape without signing a confidentiality agreement. He immediately went to the police who threw him in jail for a night.

Eventually, Vanderman ends up with Lemon and the two conspire to expose Penelope. They hire a down and out member of the extended royal family, Max (James McAvoy) to seduce and photograph Penelope. The plan goes awry when Max actually falls for Penelope sight unseen and decides it best to leave her alone. Heartbroken, Penelope runs away from home and finds a whole new life. There is a good deal more to the story but I will leave to seee the movie yourself to find out. 

First time helmer Mark Palansky has a talent for good natured whimsy. With a top notch cast he creates a group of pleasant characters who are easy to like and root for. Christina Ricci is particularly winning in the lead role while Reese Witherspoon shines in her brief role as Penelope's first real friend. Ricci has a remarkable talent for playing lovable oddballs or dyspeptic, disaffected ingenues and her vast range is great help to Penelope.

That said, the whimsy of Penelope belies an all too light approach in the end. Yes, the movie is a modern fairy tale but even fairy tales have a lesson to impart or something that makes them memorable beyond being good natured. Penelope is so gentle and pleasant that it becomes cloying. The light hearted sweetness overflows what little good there is in Penelope. It's a shame because Christina Ricci could have done much more with this role if the film had been more ambitious. 

Movie Review Paul Blart Mall Cop

Paul Blart Mall Cop (2009) 

Directed by Steve Carr 

Written by Kevin James, Nick Bakay

Starring Kevin James, Jayma Mayes, Raini Rodriguez 

Release Date January 16th, 2009 

Published January 15th, 2009 

Similar to my recent review of My Bloody Valentine 3D, I love surprises. I never imagined a movie about a doughy mall cop would be anything other than a waste of time. Once again, I am happy to be proven wrong. Paul Blart Mall Cop is a goofball movie but it's one terrific goof.

Kevin James stars as the titular Mall Cop. Paul is a guy who has failed in his attempt to become a New Jersey State Trooper 7 times. Paul is hypoglycemic and when he doesn't get enough sugar he passes out cold. This condition has doomed Paul to nearly a decade as a mall security guard.

Good natured Paul takes his role very seriously, tracking mall traffic patterns, pulling over oldsters on scooters for reckless riding, and training new guards how to pretend they have a weapon. Despite his dedication and obvious sweetness, Paul is continuously taken advantage of and humiliated by shoppers and co-workers alike.

Nevertheless, with the help of a little Barry Manilow and a touch of Survivor, Paul always bounces back. Thus, when his mall is attacked by thieves with an overly elaborate and odd scheme, Paul becomes just the man to thwart them. Complicating matters are the hostages who include Paul's 12 year old daughter Maya (Raini Rodriguez) and the girl Paul has been crushing on for weeks, Amy (Jayma Mays).

Paul Blart Mall Cop was directed by Steve Carr, not a director known for skilled comic timing. His credits include the abysmal Eddie Murphy kiddie flick Daddy Day Care. Thankfully, the script was co-written by star Kevin James and comedian Nick Bakay who play off James's innate likability to sell a goofball PG action movie plot.

Early on, James and Bakay overdo Paul's many humiliations but once they get into the mall on black friday, things pick up and the Kevin James rolli polli charm offensive begins. Battling bad guys with guns, James is like a big tough teddy bear. He wins you over with his sweetness and then when he starts kicking butt you can barely hold back from cheering aloud.

I want to note that this film was produced by Adam Sandler who I feel has tried to make this movie before for himself and for others like Rob Schneider. Loud, violent with an ironic soundtrack and a bit with a dog. But, Sandler can't do it without delving into the dark side of his psyche where his taste for disgusting, bodily function humor and angry recrimination.

Where Sandler scores cheap points with his confident anger and bathroom humor, James is much smarter and more subtle. James does a Sandler movie without ever really indulging any Sandler-isms. No bathroom humor, just a sweet guy in a desperate situation whose reactions to this outlandish situation are where the jokes come from.

In the end, Kevin James is such a skilled and committed physical comic and such a winning personality that you can't help but laugh repeatedly with him and come to love the guy. Paul Blart Mall Cop is just pure fun.

Movie Review Paranormal Activity 3

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) 

Directed by Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman  

Written by Christopher Landon 

Starring Katie Featherston, Lauren Bittner, Chris Smith 

Release Date October 21st, 2011 

Published October 21st, 2011 

If you have seen one Paranormal Activity movie, you've seen all three Paranormal Activity movies. Yes, the characters are different in each movie but the style and the general set up and execution are pretty much the same.

Paranormal Activity 3 is dressed up as a prequel intended to shed light on how the sister characters from 1 & 2, played by Sprague Graydon and Katie Featherston, ended up as targets of evil spirits but the prequel aspect doesn't really matter much; if you can really tell which sister was in which movie you care much more than I did.

The bottom line is that the set up and execution is the same for each of the movies. Cameras are trained on a home where strange things keep happening. Cameras are pointed at the beds of family members, as well as in the living room and kitchen.

Long stretches of film pass with nothing happening until something seems to move. More time passes and the movements become more noticeable. Finally, a crash is heard and something potentially deathly happens as the audience leaps in their seats.

The set up worked in the first '"Paranormal Activity" movie because of the novelty of director Oren Peli's no budget approach. "Paranormal Activity 2" however, exposed the holes in this premise and added the hoary concept of a child in danger.

"Paranormal Activity 3" wears out the welcome of this once novel approach to horror filmmaking in the first 30 minutes of the movie. Irksome characters standing in for the mother (Lauren Bittner) of the two sisters, Katie and Kristi, from the first two films, played as children by Jessica Tyler Brown and Chloe Csengery, and the mother's boyfriend (Christopher N. Smith), are no different from the characters troubled in the first two films.

The boyfriend carries his camera everywhere he goes for no other reason than the plot requires it. He sets up cameras throughout the house and with no surprise whatsoever causes friction with his girlfriend, even as the cameras clearly capture the ghostly presence that is wreaking havoc throughout the house.

If there is one modest innovation in "Paranormal Activity 3" it is a rotating camera jerry-rigged onto a rotating fan base. As the camera pans between the kitchen and living room we know that it will reveal something terrifying eventually and the slow turn of the camera is an effective piece of suspense until it too wears out its welcome.

"Paranormal Activity 3" is yet another in a long line of cynical cash grabs that don't even have the decency to hide their commercial intentions behind even low rent entertainment. The modest scares of "Paranormal Activity 3" rarely rise to the level of those in the first film, mostly because they're basically reruns.

Movie Review The Golden Compass

The Golden Compass (2007) 

Directed by Chris Weitz 

Written by Chris Weitz 

Starring Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig, Sam Elliott, Eva Green, Ian McKellen, Dakota Blue Richards 

Release Date December 7th, 2007 

Published December 6th, 2007

It is the most perfect irony that church organizations are planning to boycott a movie about a Vatican-esque organization that tries to silence those who think differently from them. Church folk are livid over the new movie The Golden Compass from director Chris Weitz. The film is based on the first novel in the "His Dark Materials" series from author Philip Pullman.

Pullman has been accused and has done little to deny that his book series is anti-church with a specifically atheistic bent.  The movie however, is far from strident. The Golden Compass as a movie is not a religious or anti-religious tract. Rather, as a movie this is a family friendly adventure epic with terrific special effects, a compelling story and a star-making lead performance from young actress Dakota Blue Richards.

Lyra Belaqua (Richards) seems like a normal kid, running and playing with the other children like a classic tomboy. Spunky, smart with a rebellious streak, she lives a privileged but not spoiled existence at Jordan College where her uncle Asriel (Daniel Craig) is a welcome but controversial presence. His investigations of parallel universes and a magical dust that connects these universes together have many in power quite nervous.

An organization called the Magisterium feels that what Asriel does in his research is heresy. They go as far as trying to kill him. It is Lyra who saves his life and soon he is off for the north for further investigation. Meanwhile, Lyra is visited by Mrs. Coulter. Not often impressed with the adults around her, Lyra is surprisingly taken with Mrs. Coulter and is taken on as her guest with promises of a trip to the north to see her uncle.

Before she leaves, Lyra is given a gift, a golden compass that allows her to see into the future. Only she can interpret its symbols and make it work and she must keep it from Mrs. Coulter at all costs, Mrs. Coulter is a member of the magisterium. When Mrs. Coulter demands to see the compass Lyra runs away and thus begins an adventure north with the aid of an ancient seafaring race, a flying ace called an aeronaut (Sam Elliott) and a warrior race of polar bears.

The Golden Compass was adapted and directed by Chris Weitz, an ambitious young director with one masterpiece (About A Boy) and one disaster (American Dreamz) under his belt in his short career. A family action adventure fantasy would not seem like material right up his alley but Chris Weitz really pulls it off. This is a terrifically eye catching adventure that combines visual splendor with terrific storytelling to create a rousing adventure.

Though Weitz has never worked with major effects before in his career you wouldn't know it from The Golden Compass. From the awesome polar bears in full combat gear and olde english accents to the icy landscapes of the north country, The Golden Compass is as visually accomplished and daring as anything in The Chronicles of Narnia or even The Lord of the Rings and with a more human voice than either of those impressive epics.

The reality of The Golden Compass controversy is this, if someone walks into this movie searching for an agenda they will likely find it. That can be said about any number of movies but applies particularly here. Those who want the film to have an anti--church agenda will find one, they will have to employ some intellectual dishonesty to get there but they will get there.

The Golden Compass as a stand alone movie however, is no tract but rather an exciting, innovative family action adventure that takes the best of the Narnia and Rings franchises and humanizes them with deeper storytelling and equal visual splendor.

Young Dakota Blue Richards is entirely unaffected by any dark agendas. Her performance is pure joy and excitement. This pre-teen British actress is a stunner in a lead role that would overwhelm most actresses her age. Her spunk and pluck are so convincing and so winning you may forget just how young she is, then her vulnerability is displayed and you are won over all over again.

Even with the stunning special effects, with an icy beautiful Nicole Kidman, even with James Bond himself Daniel Craig on screen, Dakota Blue Richards is without doubt the most impressive performer in the whole of The Golden Compass.

I urge anyone who believes that The Golden Compass is some strident anti-religious tract to see the movie. Unless you really, really force it you will not find this agenda you are searching for. My bet is that half way into this well told, visually garish epic you will have forgotten your agenda and be absorbed by this wondrous story that Chris Weitz has so well brought to the screen.

Movie Review: Alvin and the Chipmunks

Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007) 

Directed by Tim Hill 

Written by Jon Vitti, Will McRobb, Chris Vicardi 

Starring Jason Lee, David Cross, Cameron Richardson, Justin Long 

Release Date December 14th, 2007

Published December 14th, 2007

There are times when the disdain Hollywood has for the common man cannot be denied. In the case of the new CGI-live action collision Alvin and the Chipmunks the obvious disdain rages from star David Cross' condescending performance to the music that the makers of Alvin and the Chipmunks assumes Americans would absolutely love, quality be damned.

On the outskirts of Los Angeles three Chipmunks are filling their tree for the winter when suddenly the tree is coming down. Thrown on to the back of a truck, the Chipmunks now former home is on it's way to the lobby of a record company as a Christmas decoration. Scanning their new digs, Alvin (Justin Long), Simon (Matthew Gray Gubler) and Theodore (Jesse McCartney) find their isn't much of a food supply.

Jumping out of the tree their timing could not be more fortuitous. Leaving the record company, with a giant basket of muffins is Dave Seville (Jason Lee). Dave has just failed his latest attempt to sell one of his rather depressing tunes. His former friend Ian (David Cross), now a big time record producer, has just told him to give up his dreams because neither Britney, Christina or Justin will ever sing one of his songs.

Unknown to Dave, the Chipmunks have stowed away in his stolen muffin basket and are coming home with some big surprises. Not only can they talk, these chipmunks can sing and dance too. Soon Dave is writing them a hit Christmas song and they are so impressing Ian that they have a record deal and a hit record in less than a week.

From there the film becomes a parody on the rigors of the music industry and a typical kids movie about the creation of an unlikely family. Neither of these two competing plots is very interesting. Directed  by Tim Hill, the auteur behind the Garfield sequel A Tale of Two Kitties, Alvin and the Chipmunks rolls off of the kids movie assembly line with all of the typical family movie parts in place.

Bathroom humor, family values and a whole lot of slapstick make for just another upbeat and forgettable piece of kids movie flotsam.

Where Alvin and the Chipmunks is slightly more insulting than the average kids movie is in the films attempts at music industry satire. In these scenes Alvin and the Chipmunks fly up the charts with hip hop infused takes on the 50's and 60's novelty records that propelled them into our pop culture more than 40 years ago.

The Chipmunks Christmas song and Witch Doctor are innocuous enough and such a part of the Chipmunks pop culture cache that their inclusion and update are passable. It's later when the chipmunks begin singing awful hip hop originals that things become insulting. As the chipmunks, Dave and David Cross' slimy record producer Ian each readily admint, these songs suck. Yet each is portrayed in the film as flying up the charts, selling millions of copies and selling sold out tours.

I've never been one to credit our culture for having taste but these songs are so execrable that even a less than discerning public would easily reject them. Nevertheless, the film persists that even though the chipmunks themselves dislike the music the sheep like masses eat it up without question.

The most curious and often insulting thing in Alvin and the Chipmunks is the performance of comedian David Cross. One of the funniest stand up comics working today, Cross is bizarre and even grotesque in his role as a slimy record producer working the chipmunks to exhaustion. His performance begins as a satire of douchebag faux cool. However, as he transforms into the film's lead bad guy the performance becomes more one note and insulting.

Is my taking offense at this little kids movie misplaced? Maybe, but that is my true feeling. If the movie has no respect for its audience, why should I have respect for the movie. Is Alvin and the Chipmunks otherwise inoffensive? Yes, and it's even technically impressive in the way it integrates the CGI Chipmunks with the real world. That doesn't change the fact that the film is disrespectful to it's audience.

Movie Review Paranormal Activity 2

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010) 

Directed by Tod Williams 

Written by Michael R. Perry, Christopher Landon

Starring Micah Sloat, Katie Featherston

Release Date October 22nd, 2010

Published October 21st, 2010 

You can never go home again. It's a quote I live by as a way of looking forward instead of looking back. Sometimes, it seems that all Hollywood can do is look back. Sequel after sequel attempts to recreate the brilliance of an original and 99.9% of these sequels fail. Why? Because, you can't go home again. You can't recreate greatness. Failing to look forward inevitably leads to falling down. The makers of “Paranormal Activity 2” are at the moment tumbling into the abyss.

I won't spend much time on a plot description as many of you are going to see this film and may actually find a way to enjoy it; I understand a good buzz might help. Essentially, a California family finds themselves plagued by unseen forces. The actions of these unseen forces, possibly linked to the past of mom, Kristie, are caught on the family's new in-home security system; cameras conveniently placed everywhere from the patio to the bedroom of the new baby, Hunter.

Doors slam from unseen forces acting on them. Drawers and cabinets spill their contents for no earthly reason. And, noises and voices can be heard late in the night and their source is nowhere to be found. For nights on end these creepy things keep happening, all captured on camera and pored over the following morning by the dazed and confused family.

The key to the first “Paranormal Activity,” released just a year ago, was the surprise and the seeming newness of director Oren Peli's approach. Sure, we'd seen something of it's like in “The Blair Witch Project” and “Open Water,” each film features first person filmmaking that claims to be found footage cut together by those hoping to piece together a horror story as if from an investigators perspective.

The main difference with “Paranormal Activity” was the supreme payoff that director Peli delivered like a gut punch to his prone audience well captivated by his talent for creepy images and clever sound play. Fair to say much of “Paranormal Activity” played on the stock horror cliché of the misplaced noise but the low budget spirit, the film cost under 15 grand to make, gave the film a clever underdog spirit that made the cliché charming.

”Paranormal Activity 2” has no such underdog spirit; it is indeed the well renowned favorite heading into the Halloween horror movie box office sweepstakes. Audiences enter the sequel knowing what to expect and getting exactly that, over and over and over again. Scene after scene of set up, noise, jump and back to daylight for a brief post mortem before the lowlight cameras pop on again and await the next jumpy noise or thing that moves that shouldn't.

By the sixth night this reviewer couldn't wait for the Demon to finally arrive and finish either the family or him off. “Paranormal Activity 2” is a tedious attempt to recreate the scares of the first film but lacking the clever visuals and anchored to a lame back story to connect it with the first film that I'm sure is meant to be surprising but is merely perfunctory.

Original director Oren Peli stepped aside for the sequel, offering only a pass at the script. The sequel is directed by Tod Williams a talented storyteller who’s “Door in the Floor” was a pompous but effective character piece. Sadly, Williams is on auto-pilot in “Paranormal Activity 2” which frankly is the rare film that might have benefited from a little pomposity. At least then the characters would exist beyond their ability to play scared.

You can't go home again but you can go to the bank whenever you want and that is impetus behind “Paranormal Activity 2”. Paramount Pictures is going to the bank and we will bankroll them because we want to believe that you can go home again, that the things we loved before can be recreated for us. Sequels play on a modern nostalgia in which something is lamented just days or months after it came into existence.

”Paranormal Activity” was a phenomenon just a year ago but it may as well have been a decade ago in our disposable culture and pop junkies began lamenting the past mere months after the film was available on DVD. Now, that lament is being channeled to the big screen in a cash grab attempt to tap our memories to get to our wallet. It's the height of cynicism and topped with the tedium of the actual film, it makes “Paranormal Activity 2” an unbearable experience.

Documentary Review: Distant Harmonies Pavarotti in China

Distant Harmony Pavarotti in China 

Directed by Dewitt Sage 

Written by Documentary 

Starring Luciano Pavarotti 

Release Date February 4th 1988 

Published September 27th, 2019

In 1986, in celebration of the 25th Anniversary of starting his world famous career in opera, Luciano Pavarotti went to China. As only a man of his superstar stature could Pavarotti booked a three week tour in the cloistered and controlled environment of Communist China. It was, at once, a historic moment of cultural exchange and an exchange of propaganda. The documentary, Pavarotti in China was created to further the propaganda on both sides, one slightly less sinister than the other.  

With its heavily sanitized take on the Chinese approach to art and the 'openness' of the Chinese government, Pavarotti in China was a win for the Communist regime of then President Deng Xioaping. But it was also a win for Pavarotti who was paid handsomely for the trip. Pampered as few western stars would be, Pavarotti smiles and pretends that all that is happening is mere publicity. If he's aware that he's providing cover for what we know are human rights abuses and state sponsored censorship, Pavarotti is happy to feign ignorance on camera. 

This week, that documentary, retitled Distant Harmony: Pavarotti in China, is being re-released to theaters. Why? Perhaps it is to celebrate 30 years since the documentary was completed and released. Or, it could just be that a small company acquired the rights to a documentary and decided that there was a buck to be made in retitling it and peddling it on the digital marketplace for the first time in the 30 years since it was released. 

Distant Harmony: Pavarotti in China opens with an odd and off-kilter trip into some uniquely Chinese customs. Art in China, in broad strokes, has a bombastic, colorful and intense style that is a lot for a westerner like myself to take in and begin to reckon with. The tradition known as kabuki has had plenty of exposure in the west but it has most often been used to demonstrate bombast, pomp and circumstance, a shorthand burlesque of ancient Chinese tradition. 

Here, it is used to demonstrate just how unique Pavarotti was from what audiences in China were used to in art. Western opera was slowly becoming a part of everyday culture in China, its innocuous, bellowing love ballads and richly dense orchestration always proved safe for the communist censors sensitive to the potential infiltration of ideas of freedom as symbolized by so much of American popular culture. 

 Distant Harmony: Pavarotti in China was directed by veteran Dewitt Sage who, based on the evidence at hand in the documentary, was happy to focus on Pavarotti's big smiling face while turning a blind eye to state sponsored censorship and well known human rights abuses. Pavarotti is show to be excited to perform before an audience which pays most of their monthly income to see him. The audience has no choice but to do this, attendance at Pavarotti's concert was mandated by the government. 

So, families starved specifically so that they could attend Pavarotti's performance. That, of course, is never mentioned in the doc. You find that out with a simple Google search though which doesn't shine a great light on either the documentary or Pavarotti who had to have known while he was there who he was performing for. That said, the documentary is desperately careful to avoid anything that shines an even slightly negative light on China and Pavarotti appears perfectly willing to simply perform his music and provide no fuss in regards to how people in China are paid so little that 3 weeks of pay is barely enough to purchase a ticket to Pavarotti's show, a show they are required by their government under penalty to attend. 

Even a performance of the supposedly subversive bohemian play La Boheme is but a toothless ode to young romance once the Chinese censors get involved. I’m assuming the censors got involved, it’s clear that Pavarotti’s performance of La Boheme is not intended to have any edge to it, none of the passionate rhetoric of La Boheme is heard during the performance. At the heart of Distant Harmony: Pavarotti in China is that disconnect between Pavarotti the artist and Pavarotti the man. 

Is Pavarotti a gutless, heartless, mercenary out for a buck regardless of morality or is he genuinely so naïve to the human rights situation in China that the suffering never registers with him? Distant Harmonies is not a movie intended to grapple with that idea and yet, it unintentionally begs that question and almost forces anyone with a brain to question Pavarotti's motives. The documentary just wants to be a Pavarotti travelogue in China but it take a significant amount of delusion to believe that that was actually possible. 

Movie Review Papillon

Papillon (1973) 

Directed by Franklin J. Schaffner 

Written by Dalton Trumbo, Lorenzo Semple Jr. 

Starring Steve McQueen, Dustin Hoffman

Release Date December 16th, 1973

Published August 22nd, 2018

Papillion is considered a classic movie by some but not by me. For me, Papillion is an ungodly slog through unending misery. Sure, the sun occasionally shines but I would not be lying if I claimed that 95% is uncompromisingly bleak. The term torture-porn is a modern term invented to describe the fetishized violence of movies like Saw or Hostel, but Papillion is, perhaps, a progenitor of the term. The violence isn’t graphic but if you get off on suffering, this movie is for you.

Steve McQueen stars in Papillion as the least convincing Frenchman this side of Dustin Hoffman. McQueen is Papillion, a man falsely accused of the murder of a pimp, or so he claims. Aboard a ship to be taken to the French penal colony in French controlled Guyana, some time in the early 1930’s, Papillion meets Louis Dega (Dustin Hoffman), the most prolific forger in French history. It’s rumored that Dega has money and can use it to arrange an escape.

Papillion becomes a sort of bodyguard to Dega and eventually his friend. The two plot toward Papillion’s escape as Dega believes that his wife is working to get him out of jail and his money allows him some privileges in the prison camp, privileges he would lose if he attempted an escape and it failed. Indeed, Papillion’s first escape attempt fails as he is captured and brought back to the camp by bounty hunters.

This puts Papillon in solitary confinement for an unspecified amount of time though I believe somewhere in the movie it was stated as five years. This section of the movie is pure torture for Papillion and our patience. We watch as Papillion eats bugs, struggles with hunger, is given illicit food, slipped to him via courier by Dega, loses all but all but scraps of food when his supply is uncovered and he refuses to say where it came from and generally suffers for a solid 20 minute chunk of an already too long movie.

When he is finally released from solitary, Dega is waiting to nurse him back to health, or pay someone to do it for him anyway, and Papillion immediately starts planning another escape. It’s pretty much the same escape as the last, only Dega will be going with him this time. Whether it was successful or not, I will leave you to discover. I will say that the escape leads to the only good portion of the movie, we see a leper colony that is frightening yet filled with the only other good people in the movie and a brief glimpse of a life Papillion could be happy with but is, of course, taken from him.

Cruelty, despair, misery are what we face while enduring Papillion. I suppose the film is intended as some kind of triumph of the human spirit stories, it’s based on a novel by a guy who claims to be the real life Papillion, his final escape having worked, but my spirit gave up on the film about half way through rather than anything remotely like triumph experienced. Papillion is a handsome movie but it is not an entertaining or engaging movie.

Papillion is a punishing 2 hour and 30 minute slog. It’s a movie where joy goes to die. You don’t watch Papillion, you endure it. I don’t ask that all movies be happy-go-lucky but I would prefer that movies not be so all-encompassing bleak as Papillion undeniably is. There is one sequence where there is joy and it ends as abruptly as it arrives and the film scurries back to be even more dreary than before.

Has Dustin Hoffman always been insufferable or have I just been in denial all of these years? I had a similar thought that I pushed to the back of my mind when I watched his jerky performance in Tootsie but it was inescapable here. Hoffman’s stagey tics are more pronounced in Papillion than they were when he was literally playing a stage actor in Tootsie. Hoffman’s Dega constantly has bits of little business to do including limping, vocal tics and constantly touching his coke bottle eye-glasses.

I was glad when his character disappeared for a while and his antics were off-screen and that was during the film’s most bleak sequence so you can understand just how much I was loving Hoffman’s performance here. I would rather be in a dank cell with a dying Steve McQueen than outside in the sunlight with the obnoxious Hoffman. His antics cool off late in the movie and he becomes a compelling character but you likely won’t last long enough to care about that.

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If I hadn’t been paid to watch and write about Papillion I would have turned it off rather early on, once I pegged just how dreary the movie was and would remain. I consider it an act of masochism that I managed to watch Papillion all the way to the end. I don’t understand the desire to make, let alone watch, a movie like Papillion. Did director Franklin J. Shaffner just decide he wanted to test the limits of audience patience?

Papillion is being remade and released this weekend with Sons of Anarchy star Charlie Hunnam as Papillion and Mr. Robot’s Rami Malek as Dega. Here’s hoping it’s not another slog through human misery ala the 1973 original or else I am going to need a drink for this one and I don’t even drink alcohol so you can get a sense of my dread here.

Movie Review Pandorum

Pandorum (2009) 

Directed by Christian Alvart 

Written by Travis Malloy

Starring Ben Foster, Dennis Quaid, Cam Gigandet, Antje Traue, Cung Le, Eddie Rouse

Release Date September 25th, 2009 

Published September 25th, 2009 

Pandorum, we are told during the movie of that title, is a form of mental illness that develops from prolonged exposure to the nothingness of space. The crew of the Elysium space ship are more than a little prone to this ailment. Their trip is longer than any man has ever undertaken and there is no going back, Earth is gone.

As we join the story, the Elysium crew is informed that they are the last of humanity. From there we are shot into the future, how far is part of the film's mystery plot. In a hypersleep pod awakens Cpl. Bowers (Ben Foster). He has no idea who he is or where he is, only the vague notion that he has a mission. Next to him in another pod is Lt. Payton (Dennis Quaid). He is supposed to be the ship's captain when it is his turn but finds himself and Bowers trapped in one room far from the control room.

Bowers soon has escaped through an air duct to search for help and finds himself in the middle of what can only be described as an alien invasion. Worse yet? These are zombie-cannibal aliens with a deep need for human flesh. With the ship hurtling toward nowhere, Bowers needs to crank up the engines for survival all the while avoiding getting eaten.

On his journey Bowers meets Nadia (Antje Traue) a ship's scientist turned survivalist and Manh (Cung Le) a member of the crew's foreign contingent; he speaks no English. These three alternately save each other's lives and call on one another to run away quickly from danger.

Meanwhile, Lt. Payton is joined in his little corner of the ship by Lt. Gallo (Cam Gigandet). He comes in the same way Bowers escaped only Gallo is covered in blood and balling like a small child with a skinned knee. He has an idea of what happened to the rest of the crew but may be too far gone mentally to help. Worse, his illness may in fact be Pandorum which points to one very disturbing reason for his being covered in blood.

Pandorum is directed with some flair by newcomer Christian Alvert. Alvert bathes the familiar plot inside his talent for atmosphere and tension. It's not until you leave the theater and really reflect on the movie that you realize how much of the story adds up to different characters yelling 'RUN'.

While you are watching Pandorum however, it's easy to get swept along by its creepy I Am Legend meets Alien plot. Dennis Quaid is his usual stabilizing, fatherly presence, even as he starts to lose it at the end. And Ben Foster is a surprisingly effective lead. Taking strong advantage of his odd vibe, Foster turns his weakness, skinny-nerdiness with a dash of creep, into a strength, his heroism is so unexpected.

He sparks well off of Traue's Nadia and their rather perfunctory scenes together take on a bit of life beyond all the running and the yelling of the word run.

If Pandorum comes up short for most audiences it is really more in the faded glow after it's over. While it's on, it is effective and compelling. Well acted, atmospheric and rarely boring. That may not be enough for some audiences, those who cannot endure the post show disappointment that comes from being hoodwinked, but for the forgiving audience, Pandorum is kind of fun while it lasts.

Movie Review Shazam

Shazam (2019) 

Directed by David F. Sandberg

Written by Henry Gayden 

Starring Zachary Levi, Djimon Hounsou, Mark Strong, Jack Dylan Grazer 

Release Date April 5th, 2019 

Published April 4th, 2019 

Shazam stars Zachary Levi in the story of a boy named Billy Batson. Billy is 15 years old, young Billy is played by Asher Angel, and an orphan. Years earlier, Billy was separated from his mother at a carnival in Philadelphia. She disappeared and young Billy is convinced that he simply needs to find her again so they can be reunited as a family. The reality that his mother never looked for him after that day is something he is eager to overlook.

Since he was 4 years old, Billy has been shuttled from several foster homes that he has abandoned to hit the streets searching for his mother. The latest home is one filled with a diverse group of kids that are Billy’s age and younger and who seem open to welcoming him to the family. That can only happen however, once Billy opens himself to his new family and that is part of the plot journey of Shazam.

The plot of the movie kicks in when Billy saves his new brother, Freddy (Jack Dylan Grazer) from some school bullies and winds up impressing the wizard known as “Shazam” (Djimon Hounsou) with his bravery. For years, Shazam has kept the spirits of the seven deadly sins locked away while he searched for someone pure of heart to take over his magical powers. He chooses Billy despite his misgivings about Billy’s selfishness in his search for his mother.

With the power of Shazam, Billy grows into a more than 6 foot tall, red-suited, white caped, gold-booted, superhero. It takes a while, but eventually, he realizes that he can switch between his superhero persona and his kid persona by saying the name Shazam. This leads to a legitimately charming sequence, overly familiar from just about every superhero debut movie, in which he and Freddy begin to test his superhero powers.

We should be put off by this sequence as we’ve seen the same thing in Iron Man, Captain America, Batman, each iteration of the Spider-Man movies, Ant-Man, et cetera. And yet, despite the cliche, these scenes do work in Shazam. I didn’t mind the cliche this time because Zachary Levy and Jack Dylan Grazer are having such a good time with these cliches. The fun they are having doing these scenes is palpable and I had fun because they were having so much fun.

It turns out, much to my surprise, that Zachary Levy was perfect for the role of a childlike superhero. My personal bias against Levy for his dimwitted performance on TV’s Chuck and his dreadful role in one of the more recent Chipmunk movies had blinded me to the legitimate talent he has for silliness. That talent for silliness is exactly what Shazam needed to separate it from the otherwise dour and glowering D.C movie universe.

D.C has a reputation for being grim, especially under the direction of Zach Snyder.This universe needed something like Shazam to force the universe into a more of a fun place to be. That vibe began with James Wan’s Aquaman, but Shazam is the first real exploration of a comedic place within the D.C universe. It’s a course correction for D.C where director-auteur Snyder seemed to believe that the only way to escape the shadow of Marvel was to go almost absurdly serious.

If D.C ever brings the Justice League together again, Shazam will provide a strong leavening force, a lightheartedness that may be the key to bringing this to a place where the Marvel movies have been from the beginning, an entertaining and fun and exciting place. The all or nothing, apocalyptic vibe of the D.C Universe was the worst part of the Superman movies and while Wonder Woman made that tolerable, we needed a movie like Shazam to bring a little light into that darkness.

This is rather ironic coming from Swedish born director David F Sandberg whose previous features were the horror movies Lights Out and Annabelle: Creation. He’s not exactly the guy you would expect to bring lighthearted fun to the DCEU but that is exactly what he’s done. Shazam has a lot of laughs, a lot of big laughs. Laughs in which we are more often than not laughing with the movie and not at the movie.

That was a major concern for me based off of the trailer for Shazam. I was concerned that I would find the movie pathetic and laugh at things that perhaps were not intended while not laughing in places where laughs were sought. I didn’t laugh much at the film’s trailer which wasn’t embarrassingly bad but was definitely awkward and leaned far too heavily on the immaturity of the character of Shazam.

The movie leans heavily on that same immaturity but given a little more room to breathe, Zachary Levy makes it work. And when it is time for the movie to take on a modest amount of seriousness in the final act, Levy makes that work as well, he earns enough of the needed weight for us to genuinely care about him and his newfound family and the peril posed by the film’s big bad, played by Mark Strong.

Here, unfortunately, is where I must talk about the flaws of Shazam. Mark Strong is unquestionably the weakest part of this movie. His Dr Sivana is remarkably unremarkable. Strong is a fine actor but I didn’t buy into his charismatic, free, whiny villain. We spend far too much time on his uninteresting backstory and he’s further undone by the underwhelming special effects that make up both the Seven Deadly Sins and the rubbery CGI Strong in the flying scenes.

Sylvana's backstory is part of why Shazam’s runtime is way too long. As enjoyable as the movie is, it is terribly bloated at more than 130 minutes. The film repeats a little too much of Billy and Shazam being frightened and incompetent and while the idea of a learning curve for a kid superhero makes sense, the film could have used a device to speed things up so that the middle didn’t sag so much. Losing a few minutes from Sivana’s full backstory would have been a good first step.

Nevertheless, even a bloated runtime and underwhelming villain didn’t prevent me from enjoying Shazam. The film has way too many good laughs and way too much fun for me to dislike it. Shazam is joyously silly and yet still a movie that can fit nicely into the overall DCEU. The four franchises needed a lighthearted shot in the arm ala Ant-Man in the Marvel Universe, and Shazam is a terrific comedic fit.

Movie Review Sex and the City 2

Sex and the City 2 (2010) 

Directed by Michael Patrick King

Written by Michael Patrick King

Starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristen Davis, Cynthia Nixon 

Release Date May 27th, 2010

Published May 26th, 2010 

Since I am sure I will have to wield this truth as a weapon against those angry and accusatory after reading this I will get this out of the way: I really liked both the series Sex and the City and the first Sex and the City movie. The series created four unique and wonderful female characters whose outsized romantic issues were winning and funny. The film brought each character to a new and challenging emotional place in their lives. Our four heroines met these new challenges as adults with humor and sisterhood. The film was, for me, the perfect coda as it left these wonderful women in just the right emotional and romantic places in their lives.

It is unfortunate then that producers needed to bring these characters back for another film. It is especially unfortunate that they brought the ladies back without any of the wit, insight, sexuality or romance of even the series' least moments. Sex and the City 2 is little more than attempt to squeeze more money out of a franchise title.

When last we left Carrie Bradshaw she had made up with Mr. Big and the two were settling into a life together. Two years later it seems the sparkle has dimmed. Big wishes to spend all of their time on their new luxury couch watching old black and white movies. Carrie meanwhile longs for the glamor of her old life.

Samantha (Kim Cattrall) meanwhile is fighting off the march of time. At 52 years old she has turned to a drug regimen that would shame your average 70's rock band in order to maintain her youth and vitality. She remains a force in her business as her PR has turned ex-flame Smith Jarrett into an international superstar.

Charlotte has two baby girls that are slowly driving her insane, though she feels horrible admitting it. Worse yet are her fears about her new nanny (Alice Eve). The new live in caretaker has a penchant for going braless while playing with the kids, a sight that has not gone unnoticed by Charlotte's husband Harry (Evan Handler).

Finally there is Miranda who is dealing with a rude boss at her law firm. She is being dismissed by him for being a strong woman with strong opinions and the boss is busily making her miserable with constant emails and phone calls. Should she simply quit the job she has worked so hard for? Who cares because the movie has zero interest in exploring this or any of the challenges it introduces with any depth or insight.

These are the new challenges for our longtime friends and the solution given to each is a week's paid vacation in Abu Dhabi where Carrie soothes her bored soul with a flirtation with an old flame. Samantha finds herself without her drug regimen but still in rare form thanks to a new romance with an age appropriate man.

As for Charlotte and Miranda, the screenplay really doesn't have much to offer them after they arrive in the Middle East. Miranda has a few moments of wit while Charlotte is left to pray for a cell phone signal that will allow her track Harry and the nanny even though the film has zero interest in creating any real tension in Charlotte's marriage. 

The Abu Dhabi portion of the film, shot on location in Morocco, is a massive waste of celluloid. The women engage in mindless consumption against a desert background. They go out of their way to offend the locals while writer-director Michael Patrick King fails to create one Middle Eastern character of any resonance. Carrie's reunion, spoiled in the trailers and commercials, is a false dramatic device that goes nowhere as the real focus seems to be ugly, over the top opulence.

All of the wit and style of Sex and the City seems to have been sucked out of the sequel. This is well attested by the opening 20 minutes of the film spent at the wedding of Carrie's gay best friend Stanford (Willie Garson) and Anthony (Mario Cantone). Where once Sex and the City was cutting edge in understanding and existing within gay culture, things have deteriorated to the point of stereotype and decrepit gay pop culture references. 

Liza Minnelli as gay icon was played out nearly a decade ago. Having Liza officiate a gay wedding and then sing Single Ladies by Beyonce just seems desperate. The jokes about gays, weddings, Liza and Single Ladies, thud one after another as we wait patiently for something remotely plot-like to emerge. In the end the gay wedding exists only for these jokes which magnify the giant waste it all is. 

Where the issues crafted for the first Sex and the City movie revealed interesting new things about these four wonderful women and challenged them to face life in ways they'd never had to before, Sex and the City 2 has no real interest in finding new ways to reveal and challenge them. It appears that once producers decided to go to Abu Dhabi, or rather Morocco, any interest in an actual plot was forgotten in favor of drowning in excess and flaunting opulent consumer culture. Ugh! It's just awful. 

A massive groaning bore of a movie, Sex and the City 2 disgraces the series and the first film by wasting the talent of all involved and 2 hours and 20 minutes of the lives of loyal fans who will attend the film out of love and loyalty to these characters and find themselves slapped in the face by what appears to be nothing more than an excuse for all involved to take a Middle Eastern vacation together.

No insight, little romance and a complete lack of the wit that made these characters so dear to us, Sex and the City 2 rots out loud. Writer-director Michael Patrick King seems to have forgotten entirely what made this franchise so wonderful. Sure the cast and crew got an expensive vacation out of the deal but what’s in it for us?

Movie Review Sex and the City

Sex and the City (2008)

Directed by Michael Patrick King

Written by Michael Patrick King 

Starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon, Kristen Davis, Chris Noth

Release Date May 12th, 2008

Published May 11th, 2008 

It's been four years since we last saw our friends Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Samantha (Kim Cattralll), Charlotte (Kristen Davis) and Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). In that time Carrie has been in a monogamous relationship with her Mr. Big (Chris Noth). Samantha also has been in a long term relationship with her actor boytoy Smith Jerrod. That relationship has taken Samantha from her beloved New York to Los Angeles where Smith's career has flourished. When last we saw Charlotte her adoption from China came through and her daughter is now almost 4 years old. Meanwhile Miranda has been married to Steve and living in Brooklyn for the past four years.

Memories refreshed with a quick montage we jump into the story and the latest complications. For Carrie, she and Big are moving in together. Moreover, they've decided to get married. Samantha and Smith? They are living together but Samantha has become infatuated with a sexy neighbor, an Italian hunk, who reminds her of her old self. He has sex with a different woman every night and this sparks feelings of nostalgia in Samantha who uses repeated trips to New York, amongst other things to avoid cheating on Smith.

Charlotte has a big surprise coming, one that will no doubt strike right at the heart of many SATC fans. Miranda meanwhile is focused on her career and trying to balance being a high powered lawyer with being a wife and a mother. Steve has a big surprise coming for Miranda which will then reverberate through the rest of the story in unexpected ways.

I am careful not to reveal too much. It's not that there are major, unpredictable twists and turns in SATC the Movie. Rather, just knowing too much might remove the impact of the many dramatic, romantic and comedic moments. Writer-director Michael Patrick King slips us right back into the lives of these characters with an effortlessness that is to be commended. For the uninitiated, the recap at the beginning is quick witted, light hearted and contains just the information you will need to enjoy the movie. And I think you will enjoy this movie, regardless of whether you are already a fan.

Sex and the City is a smart, sexy, funny adult comedy that does not pander to the audience. No attempt is made to soften the edges and make Sex more appealing to a wider audience. All of the sex, language, smoking and drinking of the TV series are in the movie. Sex and the City The Movie defines itself in its maturity in more ways than one. Not only does it not pander to find a wider, younger audience but also these characters play their age. They are 40 and fabulous and make no attempt to cover that up, no vain attempts to age down for these ladies, why Cattrall's Samantha celebrates her 50th birthday in the movie.

Unlike the vain egotist Sylvester Stallone, there is an effortless quality to the way Cattrall remains an object of desire. Where Stallone gets plastic surgery and pumps steroids and comes off as desperate not to show his age, Cattrall revels in the idea that she can look as good as she does and still be open about being 50. Guys, I know you may make fun but if someday your wife, at 50, puts in the hard work that Cattrall does to look like she does, you will appreciate it.

All four of these women work hard to look as good as they do but you never really see the effort on screen. The results however? Wow. Both Cattrall and Nixon have nude scenes in the film and Davis a near nude scene and all look amazing. One of the things that survived from the show is how Parker's Carrie always manages to be the one to keep her clothes on. I'm not complaining, it's just an observation. Any theories as to why she's able to escape the showing off, aside from her name being above the title, are appreciated. I'm curious if there is a deeper meaning to Carrie's private life being so often offscreen.

If there is one major issue with Sex and the City The Movie it is the length. At nearly 2 and a half hours, SATC is a slog. There is a good 25 to 30 minutes that could easily come out of this movie without damaging the stories that Michael Patrick King wants to tell. The length is merely indulgence. Do we need repeated scenes of a dog humping things? Do we need one character's severe gastro-intestinal troubles? The two fashion shows? Really? Get an editor or go back to HBO where you could cut together an economical season's worth of episodes that at 26 minutes apiece would make this indulgence easier to swallow.

That said, it's only a minor quibble. Spending time with these four terrifically funny, sexy, smart characters is not something to complain about too much. The Sex and the City movie pays tribute to the television show and sends it off in a proper fashion with romance, style and yes sex, plenty of sex.

Movie Review Sex and Lucia

Sex and Lucia (2001) 

Directed by Julio Medem

Written by Julio Medem 

Starring Paz Vega, Tristan Ulloa 

Release Date August 24th, 2001 

Published December 12th, 2002

In this day and age, it takes a great deal of courage to make a film purely for adults. You must assuage the elements of marketability that make a film appeal to the typical demographic of teenagers and commit to making a film of allegedly limited box office appeal. You're not going to get much support from Hollywood studios for such a film. That is why most films that appeal solely to adults are made in Europe where the adult moviegoer is still respected.

Sex & Lucia, for instance, comes from Spain, a hotbed for adult, intellectual appealing films from directors like Pedro Almodovar and the masterful Luis Bunuel. While Julio Medem's Sex & Lucia isn't as good as the recent works of Almodovar or the genuine classics of Bunuel, it's appeal to the intelligence of the adult moviegoer is commendable and the film as a whole is not bad.

The luscious Paz Vega stars as Lucia who, in the film's opening scene, is searching for her boyfriend. In a strange phone conversation, he sounds suicidal. After returning home from work Lucia receives a phone call from the police that leads her to believe her boyfriend Lorenzo (Tristan Ulloa) is dead. Naturally, there is far more to this story. 

Flashback to years earlier and Lorenzo is in the ocean in the moonlight with a beautiful naked woman and the two agree not to exchange names but just enjoy each other's company. Years later as Lorenzo sits in a café with a friend he is approached by a woman he has never met and the stranger tells him about having read his novel and that she is in love with him. The stranger is Lucia and this was how they first met. The two go back to his place to make love for days.

Soon, Lorenzo finds out that the woman he met on the beach years ago is now living in the same city as him. A coincidence that tests credibility but is well handled. She is in town and Lorenzo learns she has a small child who doesn't have a father and who may be his daughter. Lorenzo begins to follow the mother and daughter at a distance and even begins a relationship with the daughter's babysitter Belan (Elena Anaya) in order to get closer to his daughter.

All the while he is still with Lucia and writing a book about his daughter, her mother Elena (Najwa Nimri), and Belan. Lucia is reading the manuscript but doesn't suspect that the book is based in reality. Then a tragedy strikes the daughter and sends Lorenzo on his suicidal bent. Whether he commits suicide or not, you will have to see the film to find out.

The film culminates on the island where Lorenzo had his tryst with Elena. Lucia goes there to find the place Lorenzo described in the book to see if she can find the answers to why Lorenzo may have committed suicide. From there the film relies on coincidences that test credibility and though they are explained by the film's unique structure, they tend to either be clever or annoying, depending on your perspective.

From my perspective, I found the film's many coincidences a little too convenient and the many flashbacks that may or may not have happened to be overbearing. The film teases the audience one too many times, for my taste. Still, the direction is artful and the performances are strong enough that I am willing to look past a lot of the flaws of Sex and Lucia. Not all of the flaws, but some. 

Actress Paz Vega is a real knockout, it helps that she spends most of the film naked, but she is a very good actress on top of that. The scene where she and Lorenzo meet for the first time shows a star power and charisma that is off the charts. She reminded me a little of Audrey Tautou in Amelie. Vega has a self-possession on screen that is incredibly appealing, it makes her performance feel confident and natural at once. 

On the other hand, I didn't care for Tristan Ulloa as Lorenzo. I just never liked him. From beginning to end, his character never seems to have life or vitality. He is wooden and uninteresting and is one of the reasons I have a hard time recommending Sex and Lucia. Given how much of this story turns on the idea that Lorenzo is this magnetic and adventurous lover, I expected a lot more from the male lead in Sex and Lucia. 

Director Julio Medem is very talented, though he needs to be a little more careful with his camera as many of his outdoor shots are extremely washed out. I dig that he was trying something unique and different and I liked his attempt to break from formula filmmaking but he also, far too often, relies on outlandish coincidence for his story to work and that tested my patience a great deal during Sex and Lucia. 

That said, the female characters of Sex and Lucia, especially Paz Vega's lead, are engaging and alive. They are sexy, smart, and exciting. Paz Vega is so good in Sex and Lucia that I can't help but give the film a modest recommendation, even with my many, many reservations.