Movie Review Quarantine

Quarantine (2008) 

Directed by John Erick Dowdle

Written by John Erick Dowdle, Drew Dowdle 

Starring Jennifer Carpenter, Jay Hernandez, Columbus Short, Steve Harris, Dania Ramirez 

Release Date October 10th, 2008

Published October 10th, 2008 

Yawn! Another horror remake. Ah, but there is a twist this time. Quarantine isn't a Japanese or Chinese ripoff but rather a trashing of a Spanish horror movie. At least the film has one innovation.

Jennifer Carpenter stars in Quarantine as a reality TV host whose assignment this week is to follow the Los Angeles fire department on a 911 call. First though we are introduced to her assigned fire fighters. Jay Hernandez and Jonathan Schaech are the firefighters and they are a couple of likable sorts. Hernandez is knowledgeable and respectful. Schaech is boorish and flirty. Carpenter takes to them both quickly and in another movie this would be quite a love triangle. In Quarantine however, these attractive actors are merely bait.

Finally getting a call, Jennifer jumps aboard a fire engine with her fighters and soon arrives at the scene of a medical emergency in an old apartment building. Inside one of the apartments an old woman has been screaming in pain and not responding to the knocks and calls of neighbors and super. The firefighters arrive with the police and eventually break down the door. Inside the old woman has a crazed look on her face and soon she has attacked and bitten a cop so badly that he bleeds to death. As Hernandez and a cop played by Columbus Short tend to the injured cop, they and the rest of the building's tenants find themselves locked inside the building by the CDC.

Someone or something is infecting the residents and the CDC is not about to let anyone carry it to the outside. This sets up a cat and mouse game between the infected, flesh eating zombie types and the trapped tenants, cop, firefighters, our intrepid reporter and her loyal cameraman (Steve Harris). The film is shot entirely from the cameraman's perspective, as if we are watching the documentary in progress. Yes, for those who suffer from shaky cam-itis aka motion sickness, Quarantine is one of those movies. Like Cloverfield and The Blair Witch Project, Quarantine operates on the guise that these events took place and we are watching after the fact.

If only being unoriginal and a cause of mass projectile vomiting and dizziness were Quarantine's only issue. Sadly, star Jennifer Carpenter's performance rivals the remake and motion sickness issues by being the least believable TV personality since Angelina Jolie's dopey reporter in Life of Something Like It. Acting more like a spoiled teenager than a TV reporter, Carpenter giggles and flirts and exploits her access to the firemen for no other purpose than she thinks they're cute. She tells the camera that she has always wanted to be a fireman but I find it hard to believe she wanted to be anything other than a magnet for cute boys.

Things devolve further as we get into crisis mode in the apartment building. Now, no one would ever assume when they are responding to an emergency that you might end up dealing with cannibalistic, rabies ridden zombies. However, after the old woman has killed the cop and a firefighter someone should become a little more suspicious and cautious. But no. Instead characters still wander into dark areas throughout the building, fail to stick together and are picked off one by one as they remain heavily in denial about their situation.

I didn't buy a second of it. Carpenter breaks the believability with her ditz reporter and everyone else puts off because the plot requires them to be tools. As one after another is picked off our involvement with the story and the characters becomes less and less until we get to the inevitable end that we absolutely know is coming.

The style gives away the ending, not that there was much suspense involved anyway. The point and purpose to a movie like Quarantine is to try and frighten with atmosphere and camera tricks. That it fails is a function of poor craftsmanship and a lack of deeper ideas than a scary noise off camera that suddenly becomes something on camera.

Movie Review Public Enemies

Public Enemies (2009) 

Directed by Michael Mann

Written by Ronan Bennett, Ann Bideman, Michael Mann

Starring Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Marion Cotillard, Billy Crudup, Stephen Dorff

Release Date July 1st 2009

Published June 30th, 2009

Public Enemies arrives in theaters with the hype and release date of the typical summer blockbuster. However, this is so not a typical summer blockbuster that the ad campaign, trailers and 4th of July weekend release date actually threaten to be detrimental to the film. The idea of Public Enemies as a blockbuster is a disservice to the actual movie, a far more meditative and unique movie. 

Thoughtful, filmic and observant, this crime drama from the brilliant Michael Mann is everything your average summer movie is not. Yes, there are chases, bank robberies, and bullets and the look evokes classic gangster movie mythology but Scarface this is not. Michael Mann sets out with a goal of capturing history in his lens and in doing so brings an almost documentary realism to the proceedings.

In striving for gritty realism, Mann eschews the outsized, mythic and outlandish aspects of the gangster/anti-hero stories of the past. Thus much of what audiences are expecting to get in Public Enemies will not be there.

Johnny Depp stars in Public Enemies as the legendary outlaw John Dillinger whose life revolved around robbing banks. Dillinger lived for little else than the thrill of the hold up. Everything else in life from women to the trappings of fame in fortune were distant second to pulling off a bank job quickly and efficiently.

Dillinger is alleged to have robbed more than 2 dozen banks and even a couple of police stations. He famously escaped from prison twice as well, both prison breaks, daring and unique as they are, are featured in the film. Ironically, as bold and daring as these escapes are, director Michael Mann refuses to make them cute or play up the naughty anti-heroic fun that other directors might have reveled in.

Mann observes these escapes and if you happen to find it humorous that Dillinger escapes one prison with a wooden gun and by stealing the warden's own vehicle, driving it past a small army of soldiers meant solely to stop him, that is your prerogative. For Mann, Public Enemies is not a celebration of the American anti-hero or the Robin Hood myth of Dillinger.

Public Enemies is a dry observance of a historic figure, the important moments of his life and his death. The performance of Johnny Depp is most evocative of the director's intent in bringing the life of John Dillinger to the screen. Here Depp is free of mannerism, tics and actorly flourish. All of the colorful aspects of past Depp performances are gone from his Dillinger in favor of a quiet intensity.

Much of the performance remains behind his eyes. Watch the eyes and see Dillinger the man, coldly practical but also frightened, confused and conflicted. Some will sit impatiently waiting for what's behind those eyes to be expressed in some kind of physical or verbal flourish. I can tell you now, you will be left waiting. This is Johnny Depp at his most quiet and controlled. It worked for me, it may not work for most, especially you fans of Captain Jack Sparrow.

Now, I say the film is cold and observant. However, where there is warmth is in the classic touch of Cinematographer Dante Spinotti who brings a hint of classic gangster movie to the film. At times, and it is fleeting, the film takes on the look of the old Warner Brothers period gangster films whose mythic anti-heroes the film so ironically brushes aside. It is nevertheless an at times breathtakingly beautiful tribute to old Hollywood.

Also spectacular is the period production design of Nathan Crowley, the costume design of Colleen Atwood and the superior editing of Jeffrey Ford and Paul Rubell. These aspects of the film often make readers of movie reviews roll their eyes and say who cares but Public Enemies is a movie that revels in and works brilliantly because of these oh so intricate and detailed touches.

Not your typical blockbuster, Public Enemies is an extensively detailed and ingenious piece of filmmaking. An classic Oscar contender dressed up as a blockbuster star vehicle for a fourth of July weekend. I love, love, love this movie but I can understand if some people walk out unsatisfied, Public Enemies is not exactly the movie that the marketing campaign sold you on.

Movie Review Prom Night

Prom Night (2008) 

Directed by Nelson McCormick 

Written by J.S Cardone 

Starring Brittany Snow, Scott Porter, Jessica Stroup, Johnathon Schaech

Release Date April 11th, 2008

Published April 11th, 2008 

I have seen the movie Prom Night 3 times. The first time, I dismissed it as just another PG 13 teen horror movie. The second time I was modestly impressed with the compact plotting and the director's crisp clean visuals. Now, having seen it on Blu Ray, the visuals even more pronounced, I am fully impressed with Prom Night as just the right kind of throw away Saturday night horror movie. An easy, disposable rental that may not stick with you long after it's over but will compel you while it's on.

Brittany Snow stars in Prom Night, similar in name only to the 1980 Prom Night, as Donna Keppel. Two years prior to the films events, her parents and little brother were murdered. The killer was Donna's teacher who professed to having killed them so that he and Donna could run away together. He was caught and sent to a not so high security mental institution.

Two years later, as Donna is readying for Prom Night, teach (Jonathan Schaech, a long way from That Thing You Do) has escaped and is returning for his prize. Only detective Wynn (Idris Elba), the man who put the teacher away 2 years ago, can protect Donna but not knowing whether the teacher is really coming after her, he doesn't want to ruin prom. Thus sets up a Prom Night showdown. Donna and her friends and the hidden cops all over a luxury hotel vs a determined psychopath. Let the body count commence.

Why the cops don't just close in on Donna and whisk her away to safety, prom be damned, is an admittedly weak premise, they don't want to ruin prom, but if you can put that aside, Prom Night isn't half bad. Director Nelson McCormick (TV's Prisonbreak, Nip Tuck) has a strong visual sense and takes advantage of the luxury hotel setting for some terrific use of set design.

Overcoming J.S Cardone's weak screenplay which paints the director into numerous logical corners, McCormick does a tremendous job of keeping things  fast paced, exciting and even fun, if you like horror movies.

I am generally opposed to PG-13 horror movies. I think if you are going to make a horror movie, you can't limit yourself with restrictions on gore, violence, language and nudity. Granted, not all of those are necessary for horror, but they help. Director Nelson McCormick overcomes the limitations with a sizable body count and a creeptastic performance by Jonathan Schaech.

With his dirty stubbled face and intense creep eyes, Schaech sells every inch of this character even as his intentions are unclear. Writer Cardone never figured out exactly what the teacher intended to do once he caught Donna. Run away and live sickly ever after with her as a captive? Kill her on the spot. If he is just going to kill her, why does he pass up several shots at just getting it done?

The movie irritatingly screws with the audience more than once with the teacher passing up on killing Donna at most vulnerable moments. That said, there is more good than irritating in what makes up Prom Night.

No, Prom Night is not a great movie but for a formula teen horror picture it's solid and well crafted. The killer is creepy and disturbing and the heroine is someone we don't wish harm upon. It has the basics down and given the recent track record of the teen friendly horror genre, that is all we can really ask. It's nothing more than a saturday night rental, nothing you will remember on Sunday.

Break out the popcorn and beer and enjoy 88 minutes of well crafted cheese ball horror.

Movie Review Princess and the Frog

Princess and the Frog (2009) 

Directed by John Musker, Ron Clements

Written by Rob Edwards 

Starring Anika Noni Rose, Bruno Campos, Keith David, Jennifer Lewis, Oprah Winfrey, Terrence Howard, John Goodman

Release Date December 11th, 2009 

Published December 10th, 2009

Many of you are of the classic tale of The Princess and the Frog. For the uninitiated, it's about a Princess who meets a frog. They kiss, he magically transforms into a handsome prince and they live happily ever after. Disney's take on this story transfers the settings to early 1900's New Orleans, and instead of having the frog turn into a prince, they turn a prince into a frog and then the princess as well.

It's 1916 and Tiana dreams of living out the dreams of her late father. He wanted to open a restaurant and serve the best gumbo in Nawlins. Tiana has worked day and night for years and has saved enough to buy just the right space. When she is invited to cater her rich friend Charlotte's costume ball it should give Tiana all the money she needs to buy her restaurant.

Also attending the party will be the selfish, self involved Prince Naveen. All the Prince wants is to dance, play jazz and meet pretty girls. Unfortunately for Naveen, he's broke. His parents have cut him off and if he cannot charm Charlotte into marrying him, he may have to do the unthinkable: Get a job.

Before the Prince can get to the party he and his squirrelly assistant Lawrence are accosted by a voodoo witch doctor called Doctor Facilier. It is Facilier who places the frog curse on Naveen while replacing him with Lawrence in his guise. Naturally, Prince Naveen and Tiana's paths will cross and in trying to reenact the fairy tale, Naveen passes along his curse to her.

What follows is a trip deep into the Louisiana bayou, an encounter with a friendly, trumpet playing crocodile, a brave Creole firefly and a visit to Mama Odie, a powerful voodoo priestess who may be able to reverse the curse. More important on this journey are a series of jazzy tunes courtesy of the legendary Randy Newman.

The Princess and the Frog marks a return by Disney to classic hand drawn animation, a genre they abandoned nearly a decade ago. The ascendance of Pixar and Shrek had rendered hand drawn animation a dinosaur and Disney was right to place its bet on Pixar, it may pay off with a Best Picture nomination for Up, but that doesn't mean there isn't a place for the classic style.

The Princess and the Frog makes a strong case for the warm, comforting lines and colors that hand drawn has always thrived on. Combined here in The Princess and the Frog with a welcoming story, wonderful characters and great tunes, we see the form revived.

Princess and the Frog doesn't compare to say any of the Pixar movies, it lacks the story sophistication of those remarkable films. As a film specifically aimed at kids, this is the kind of movie you want your kids to enjoy, if there isn't a Pixar movie to watch. The Princess and the Frog is sweet and funny with characters of conscience, bravery and loyalty. I take issue with the anti-feminist aspects of the story (why can't a woman be happy and accomplished without a man around?) but that stuff will go over the head of kids.

Race is another topic, on the fringe anyway, in The Princess and the Frog. The movie does not explicitly address race but it is notable that Tiana is the first African American Disney Princess. Beyond that, the film's main cultural ingredient is New Orleans with its unique mix of African American and French traditions.   

With great songs, terrific characters and some laughs, The Princess and the Frog is great family entertainment.

Movie Review Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010) 

Directed by Mike Newell

Written by Boaz Yakin, Doug Miro

Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley, Toby Kebbell, Alfred Molina

Release Date May 28th, 2010

Published May 27th, 2010

There is little to really hate about “Prince of Persia.” The whole enterprise, aside from the awkward, possibly racist, casting choices, has a breezy afternoon serials vibe reminiscent of the goofball humor of Brenden Fraser's first tangle with “The Mummy.” Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't quite pull off daffy charm as Fraser does but he makes up for it with earnestness and strength.

As Dastan, Jake Gyllenhaal tackles a role made famous in an exceptionally popular video game. “Prince of Persia '' follows Dastan's adventure as he makes the luck-filled journey from street urchin to the adopted son of the King of Persia (Richard Pickup). Alongside his brothers Garsiv (Toby Kebbell) and the future King, Tus (Richard Coyle), Dastan fights to maintain the Kingdom of Persia which extends from Asia all the way to the Mediterranean.

As we join the brothers in action they've arrived at the gates of the holy city of Alamut, where rumor has it weapons are being forged for Persia's enemies. Inside the city awaits Tamina (Gemma Aterton) the guardian of the city and its traditions. Her main charge is protecting an ancient knife that contains the Sands of Time. If the knife falls into the wrong hands it might destroy all mankind.

Naturally, the knife will fall to Dastan while someone among his crew, perhaps his sneaky looking Uncle Nizam (Sir Ben Kingsley) will also pursue the knife and the conflict will divide the brothers and the Kingdom of Persia will fall into peril. Oh, and no points for guessing that Tamina and Dastan are destined to fall in love.

Yes, “Prince of Persia” is far from original but that isn't such a horrible crime because it's also entertaining and lighthearted. Director Mike Newell cleverly keeps things moving fast and doesn't dwell on a plot that is merely window dressing for modest special effects and Jake Gyllenhaal's athletic running, jumping and posing.

As for Mr. Gyllenhaal, he doesn't seem entirely comfortable in such a straightforward hero role. He works hard to bring energy to the part and some wit but you can sense an actor longing for something a little meatier to play. Instead he has minimal dialogue and a romance that adds up to little more than sideways glances, childish bickering and almost kisses leading up to one big kiss.

Just about any actor could have played the “Prince of Persia.” All they needed to do was buff up and work on their delivery of expository dialogue. Gyllenhaal gives it about as much as any other actor could give such a minimalist character. He blends well with the average special effects and is fun to watch kissing Gemma Aterton.

All that said the film breezes by in terrifically forgettable fashion; moving at a pace that keeps you involved and doesn't irritate by pretending to be anything more than a thrill park ride or a videogame. There is no assumed importance, no pretension, just quick paced, good natured, earnest action beats.

In the 30's and 40's audiences paid 25 cents to see a serial not unlike “Prince of Persia.” No, they didn't have modern effects but they did have the same sense of breezy adventure, fast paced action and tame attempts at romance. “Prince of Persia” is far from great cinema but for a fast paced summer adventure it’s not bad.

Movie Review Police, Adjective

Police, Adjective (2009) 

Directed by Corneliu Porumbolu 

Written by Corneliu Porumbolu 

Starring Dragos Bucur 

Release Date May 1st 2009 

Published May 1st, 2009 

The title Police, Adjective is instructive. The movie from Romanian writer-director Corneliu Porumboiu is as much about the police as it is about descriptive words. While ostensibly a flatfoot procedural about a detective on trial of a possible drug dealer, the film comes down to one terrific semantic debate about right and wrong.

Cristi (Dragos Bucur) is a young police detective in a tiny Romanian village where one can assume there isn't that much crime. Why else would he spend eight days on the case of three teenagers whose crime is smoking hashish? Nevertheless, Cristi goes diligently about his work first following one then another of the teens and meticulously documenting his findings.

Cristi is avoiding the chief of detectives because he knows that he will advise a sting operation to catch the teens in the act. Through his investigation Cristi has come to see this as entirely unnecessary. For one thing, hashish is unlikely to remain illegal much longer in ....Romania.... as the continent of ..Europe.. seems ready to make it legal. ....Romania.... is one of the last holdouts and the one with the most severe punishments.

The case is founded on one of the teens, whom Cristi calls Squealer, real name Alex, tattling on his pal Victor as payback for Victor gaining the romantic attention of the third teen, a girl named Doina. Alex is unaware that the crime he is putting his friend up for is actually defined as supplying drugs, not merely possession, and could land him in prison for nearly 8 years.

Cristi cannot carry the destruction of young Victor's life over something as meaningless as a joint. All of this leads to a showdown with his officious, bullying and startlingly brilliant chief of detectives Anghelache (Vlad Ivanov) who doesn't care for Cristi's crisis of conscience or his feelings about the trends of law in ..Europe... Angheleche is by the book and much of the scene hinges on a book, a dictionary and a series of specific definitions.

If that sounds dull to you I assure you that as filmed by Corneliu Porumboiu it is far from dull. Admittedly, the plot is thin, much of the real fascination in Police, Adjective is in technique than in typical storytelling. The ways in which Poromboiu observes, wordlessly, with no score, Cristi merely observing, sometimes walking, sometimes just waiting, are striking in composition and clever camera movement.

Students of film will watch with rapt attention the ways in which Poromboiu signifies the important players with minor, unspoken details. We observe the teens just as Cristi does. The lack of a distracting monologue or score invites us to make the same mental notes as Cristi, as if we too are investigating. It bonds us with him and makes the scenes more resonant when he isn't investigating, scenes involving his home life with his new wife.

These scenes are observed with all of the noise of daily life, the TV, Music and such, all the noise not present during Cristi's endless hours observing his suspects. The scenes with Cristi's wife are punctuated with a pair of resonant conversations that become important subtext to the film's third act, Cristi's showdown with Anghelache.

Police Adjective is a fascinating film, at once an experiment in the language of film and of language period. It also functions as commentary on state repression through law and a cry against the abuse of the law. In ....America.... one could compare what likely happened to poor Victor with the victims of so called Mandatory Minimum laws, in which offenders have spent endless years in jail over what are minor offenses. A smart American filmmaker might use Police Adjective as a great jumping off point for a work in that vein. 

Police, Adjective of course, works just fine on its own as a brilliant work from a brilliant writer-director.  

Movie Review Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides (2011) 

Directed by Rob Marshall

Written by Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio

Starring Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane, Geoffrey Rush 

Release Date May 20th, 2011 

Published May 19th, 2011 

In the "Star Wars" spoof "Spaceballs" the brilliant Mel Brooks invited cast and audience back for the sequel "Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money." The fourth "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie is subtitled "On Stranger Tides'' but I believe it is only because Brooks still carries a copyright on the much more apt subtitle.

The Fountain is the prize

Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) begins his fourth big screen adventure in London where a failed attempt to rescue his old pal Gibbs (Kevin McNally) leads to Jack being captured himself and being brought before King George (Richard Griffiths, leading a parade of great cameos). The King surprisingly doesn't want to kill Jack but rather to hire him.

The Spanish have found a way to reach the legendary Fountain of Youth and King George wants Jack on a ship leading the way to the Fountain before the Spanish King can drink from it and earn eternal life. Jack has a different plan; though it does involve traveling to the fountain. After an elaborate escape, easily the best scene of the film, Jack finds himself face to face with Jack Sparrow, an imposter hiring a crew under his name.

Blackbeard

The imposter is Angelica (Penelope Cruz) , one of Jack's former flames. After a brief sword fight Jack is scuttled aboard Angelica's ship which happens to be a ship belonging to the legendary bloodthirsty pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane). Angelica seeks the Fountain of Youth on behalf of Blackbeard and Jack is put in charge of getting them there.

Meanwhile, in the tale of Blackbeard and the Spanish is the Royal Navy sailing under a very unusual command. Captain Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) has gone straight and is now loyal to the crown. Barbossa is also chasing the Fountain and after grabbing Gibbs he has Jack, Angelica and Blackbeard in his sights as well.

A Mermaid, Jack

"Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" also features a subplot about a young clergyman played by Sam Claflin and a mermaid named Syrena played by Astrid Berges Frisbey. This plot unfortunately is completely superfluous and really should have been cut from the movie. Claflin is a nice enough actor but if this role was going to matter it needed to be played by someone people recognize.

Sadly even with a new director, Academy Award nominee Rob Marshall, stepping in for Gore Verbinski, "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" suffers from the same bloating that partially sank "Dead Man's Chest" and mired "At World's End" in murk and boredom. There are a solid 40 minutes that could be cut from "On Stranger Tides" 'nearly 140 minute run time and the tightening would make a far better movie.

As it is, the length renders a pretty good movie as a movie. I liked a good deal of "On Stranger Tides," especially Captain Jack's escape from the King's castle. By the end however, I could not wait for "On Stranger Tides" to be over; it didn't help matters that there is a post credits sequence to help set up the next "Pirates" sequel.

Be sure to stretch your legs

Flaws aside, Captain Jack Sparrow is an iconic creation. Even in less than stellar sequels Johnny Depp is wildly entertaining and he is no less charismatic in "On Stranger Tides." The character hasn't gained much complexity or depth through four movies but he has retained spirit and invention and the little touches that Depp brings to Captain Jack from his wildly swinging walk to his, all limbs flailing run, to the minor inflections on his words, Deep breathes a whole lot of life and fun into this shallow character.

Because Johnny Depp is very funny as Captain Jack Sparrow I cannot completely dismiss "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides." Keep your expectations low and your brain turned off and you might just have a good time. Be warned, you might want to get up and take a walk about midway through the movie. "On Stranger Tides" is long enough to make your backside ache if you stay seated for too long.

Movie Review Pirate Radio

Pirate Radio/The Boat That Rocked (2009) 

Directed by Richard Curtis

Written by Richard Curtis

Starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Bill Nighy, Kenneth Branagh, Rhys Ifans, Nick Frost, Emma Thompson

Release Date April 1st, 2009 

Published November 12th, 2009 

Oh how sad, a good premise gone bad. Pirate Radio has a sensational premise. Set in 1966 it tells the story of a Rock N' Roll radio station moored off the shores London. Why is the radio station on a ship in the Atlantic? Because 1966 was the year that rock music was banned in the UK. Brilliant subversives took the cause of rock n roll to the sea and broadcast rock, soul and pop tunes to millions.

If you think the premise is good, how about the fact that Pirate Radio is written and directed by Richard Curtis, the brilliant mind behind Four Weddings and A Funeral and Love Actually, with a cast that includes Oscar winner Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Bill Nighy, Kenneth Branagh, January Jones and Emma Thompson. How could this have gone so very, very wrong?

Pirate Radio tells the story of some heroic music lovers. Quentin (Bill Nighy) is the fun loving; sea-faring owner of Rock Radio, the most listened to pirate radio station on the high seas. His ratings are high thanks to an American DJ known as The Count (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) and a collection of oddball jocks including failed comic Angus (Rhys Darby), shy morning guy Simon (Chris O'Dowd) and ladies man Dave (Nick Frost).

Together they roll the high seas rocking, drinking and engaging in general debauchery. Or so we are told, one of the failings of Pirate Radio is how often the film leaves the best stuff off screen. This is supposed to be a movie about rock radio in the 60’s. Girls, drugs, booze, sex. And yet, we rarely see any of it. It's one thing to imply wild, rock n'roll good times but Pirate Radio can't even imply good times well enough.

Into this allegedly wild environment young Carl (Tom Sturridge) arrives. Kicked out of school for some reason, Carl's mom (Emma Thompson) sends him to stay with Quentin who may or may not be his father. What Carl or his new roommate, known to everyone on the boat as Thick Kevin (Tom Brooke) , do in exchange for staying on the boat is anyone’s guess.

Then again, motivation for any of these characters is lacking throughout Pirate Radio. So truncated is the character development in Pirate Radio that scenes arrive, exist and disappear seemingly at random. One moment a character is on the radio and in the next he's sitting around with the other DJ's laughing and drinking and while it's all congenial, even occasionally funny, there isn't much of anything going on.

Tension is supposed to build with the arrival of a new DJ named Gavin (Rhys Ifans) but again we aren't sure why. Yes, he's cocky and dismissive but we know too little about him or the people he rubs the wrong way to care why anyone is so terribly upset. Gavin is initiated in a bizarre contest with the Count that wastes a good 10 minutes of screen time.

Kenneth Branagh, playing the necessary villain as the officious government prat Sir Allistair Dormandy, is the only actor to discover his character's purpose. Though his proper British stiff is well lampooned he too lacks nuance beyond repeatedly defining himself as a jerk. At least he has a definition. Branagh's put upon assistant Mr. Twatt, yes you read that right, is a one note joke that gets less funny each time it is uttered.

There may be a behind the scenes reason for the complete failure of Pirate Radio. The film was released 8 months ago in England; then called The Boat That Rocked. The film was 20 or so minutes longer and allegedly had a lot more character stuff. Maybe, just maybe, there is something in there to explain the actions of these characters and give them depth beyond the caricatures. Then again, as it is Pirate Radio feels over long; making the film longer has rarely improved any movie.

Then again, there is a rumor that the original didn't have this version's prolonged, shipwreck of an ending, or at least didn't linger on it as much as this version does. That could definitely be an improvement. No matter what the first version of Pirate Radio/The Boat that Rocked looked like this version stinks out loud.

Movie Review Pink Panther 2

Pink Panther 2 (2009) 

Directed by Harald Zwart

Written by Steve Martin, Scott Neustader, Michael H. Weber

Starring Steve Martin, Jean Reno, Alfred Molina, Emily Mortimer, Aishwarya Rai, Andy Garcia 

Release Date February 6th, 2009 

Published February 6th, 2009 

Steve Martin used to be funny. I know it. I think. Wait, yes. Yes, Steve Martin was funny. The Jerk was funny. His first few SNL hosting gigs were funny. Three Amigos was funny. It's just that in the last decade or so Steve Martin has been so terribly unfunny that it's easy to forget when he was funny. The bad has been overwhelming the good in recent years. 

Arguably, the nadir of the last decade of Martin's career came when he chose to replace the late great Peter Sellers in The Pink Panther. Martin's The Pink Panther was a slipshod, insulting and stupid little kids movie that showcased Martin as still being able to do a pratfall but not being funny while doing it.  Somehow, Martin has convinced himself that the mess of Pink Panther was ok enough that we need another Pink Panther and though this sequel is slightly more coherent than the first film; Steve Martin remains terribly, forgettable, unfunny.

Inspector Clousseau (Martin) has been busted back down to parking duty when we join the story. However, when the Pink Panther diamond is threatened by a thief who's been stealing treasures all over the world, France turns to Clouseau and a dream team of worldwide investigators to solve the crime. Joining Clouseau in this dream team is Italian ladies man Vincenzo (Andy Garcia), British deductor Pepperidge (Alfred Molina), Japanese tech wizard Kenji (Yuki Matsuzaki) and an alluring true crime writer Sonia (Aishwarya Rai). No points for guessing that one of the dream team is really the bad guy.

Can someone explain to me why Steve Martin and the makers of the Pink Panther movies think the word Hamburger is so hilariously funny? The first film spent far too much of its run time working over that word and the gag continues in the sequel and even less effectively. I'm baffled, why this running gag? Why the word Hamburger? 

Then again, to try and locate some kind of comedic logic in the modern Pink Panther movies is a truly lost cause. This is a movie that still believes politically correct jokes are funny. Lily Tomlin shows up as an American working for the French government trying to fix Clouseau's penchant for politically incorrect statements. The last time these jokes were funny President Clinton was in office.

The Pink Panther 2 is somehow not as bad as the first film but that is a supremely low bar. Dull, witted and predictable, the overall feeling one can take away from Pink Panther 2 is disappointment. Disappointment over the fact that we know Steve Martin used to be funny and he just isn't anymore. And disappointment that The Pink Panther used to be entertaining before it became entwined with Steve Martin. 

Movie Review Pineapple Express

Pineapple Express (2008) 

Directed by David Gordon Green 

Written by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg 

Starring Seth Rogen, James Franco, Gary Cole, Rosie Perez, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson, Bill Hader

Release Date August 6th, 2008 

Published August 5th, 2008

Pineapple Express is arguably the Citizen Kane of stoner movies. In this tiny comedic sub-genre there is little competition to overcome, nevertheless this witty, oddly violent pot comedy squeezes more laughs out of its stoner heroes than 2 Harold and Kumar movies combined. That is likely because of the behind the scenes all star team involved.

The guys behind Superbad and Knocked Up, writer, actor Seth Rogen, his writing partner Evan Goldberg and producer Judd Apatow combine their talent for stoners with a heart of gold with the tremendous directorial skill of indie veteran David Gordon Green to create a stoner comedy that, at the very least, is better than any of the stoner comedies to come before it.

Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) is a pot smoking, talk radio loving, process server who spends his time in costume delivering subpoenas for a living while really living for his next hit. Dale's dealer is Saul (James Franco) a sweet, good natured drug dealer who thinks Dale is his friend when in reality, they wouldn't know each other if Saul didn't sell pot.

Saul has just come into possession of some new weed called Pineapple Express. It is supposed to be grown in such a unique way that it actually gets you higher than any other pot in existence. Saul sells some to Dale who is unfortunately smoking it in front of the home of another drug dealer, Ted Jones (Gary Cole), when he witnesses the dealer kill a man.

Leaving behind his rare weed, Dale is convinced that the joint can be used to find Saul and if they find Saul, that would lead to finding him. And he's right. Ted and a corrupt police officer, played by Rosie Perez, identify the weed and go after Saul who goes on the run with Dale and well, a whole lot of stuff happens and a whole lot of stuff gets smoked.

Pineapple Express is the rare comedy that zigs when you think it will zag. Unpredictability is the film's hallmark as instead of just bumbling through a series of gags, director David Gordon Green goes for edgy comedic violence and often leaves your jaw dropped with it. Some of the violence is painfully funny, some of it is shocking but all of it serves the purposes of the plot that propels from one entertaining scene to the next.

Seth Rogen and James Franco make for a terrific comic team. Exhibiting the kind of male bonded performance that is now the hallmark of the Apatow brand of comedy, Pineapple Express has given rise to the term Bromance to describe the extraordinarily close yet platonic bond between two male best friends. Rogen and Franco do everything short of make out to demonstrate how much they care about each other and the more they push the line, the funnier it gets.

Pineapple Express doesn't reach the comedic highs of Superbad or Knocked Up but as stoner comedies go, it doesn't get much better than this. Terrifically funny, surprising and shockingly violent, Pineapple Express never goes where you expect it to. Rogen, Apatow and now David Gordon Green are at the forefront of modern comedy and now with Pineapple Express they can continue to write their own ticket in Hollywood.

Write it, roll it up and smoke it, if they want to.

Movie Review Pet Cemetery

Pet Cemetery (2019)

Directed by Kevin Kolsch, Dennis Widmyer 

Written by Jeff Buhler

Starring Jason Clarke, John Lithgow, Amy Siemetz 

Release Date April 15th, 2019

Published April 14th, 2019

Jason Clarke, what happened man? I thought we were cool. I loved your work in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes but since then, you just keep letting me down. Winchester? Chappaquiddick? Serenity? Everest? The worst Terminator movie? What’s up man? What are you doing? You’re better than this. It’s clear your agent is a demon from the lower realms. Otherwise, I cannot explain the repeated terrible decisions that have culminated in Pet Cemetery. (Yes, I know the movie misspells ‘Cemetery’ with intent and I don’t care.)

Pet Cemetery is an adaptation of a rather weak Stephen King story about, wait for it, you won’t believe it when I tell you, a family in Maine. I know, right? A Stephen King movie in Maine, that almost always happens in his stories. This family is made up of Louis (Clarke), a doctor, his stay at home wife and mother of his children, Rachel (Amy Siemetz), daughter Ellie (Jete Lawrence) and a 2 year old son, Gage (Hugo Lavoie).

This particular family in Maine has made the mistake of hiring the most sadistic realtor in history. How else to explain selling the family a cottage so close to a busy, semi-truck heavy, highway that it's a hazard to be standing near, let alone attempting to cross. And in the backyard? Oh just a gate that leads to the realm of the dead and a creepy pet cemetery where local kids go to bury their pets while inexplicably wearing the kinds of Halloween masks that would give themselves nightmares for days. Seriously, are these kids supposed to be in a cult? No kid does this and isn't desperately mentally ill.

So, the death highway on one side and the gate between the living and the dead on the other: let’s watch what happens next. John Lithgow, so far beneath his dignity and talent he appears to be attempting to cry for help using the crinkling wrinkles of his bad makeup job as some kind of funky visual code. Lithgow is the idiot who informs his new neighbor about the hell’s gate behind his home after hearing that Ellie’s cat, Church, has been hit on the death highway.

He does this despite being fully aware of the curse on the hell’s gate. He had a dog as a kid and discovered the terrible power of the woods to bring back the dead in physical form but not in a recognizably happy or emotionally well adjusted form. They don’t come back the same and that’s certainly the case with the once cuddly Church, who returns in a deeply dyspeptic mood. He’s mean and has claws at the ready for everyone in the family.

Despite this glaring evidence of awfulness, Louis the utter dimwit, chooses not to put Church back into the actual realm of the dead with a humane syringe full of sleepy juice. Nope, he lets the cat go in the woods only to see it return and start the third act. I won’t spoil anything here, there are variations from both the book and the 1989 version of Pet Cemetery that I will allow misguided souls who wish to suffer this movie to discover for themselves.

I will say that not a single thing about the third act is nearly as scary as this overly insistent score claims it is. The twists and turns of the third act of Pet Cemetery are a procession of mediocre jump scares, poor decision making at the necessity of an idiot plot and unexplained weirdness. Mom has a plot in the movie that makes so little sense in the movie that I want to write a sonnet on just how ill-considered this subplot is. It’s really a wonder to watch the filmmakers introduce this plot and bail on giving it any kind of rationale.

If there is one thing in Pet Cemetery that is remotely effective, it’s the one thing that is all about me and nothing to do with how the movie works. I have a traumatic fear of seeing an Achilles Tendon sliced. It’s a fear that is entirely irrational and all my own. It started in childhood, perhaps with the original Pet Cemetery, and it has been an all consuming, gut-wrenching, personal nightmare ever since. I give the filmmakers here zero credit for tapping that particular well in my mind. They gave away this particular scare in the trailer which gave me ample time to leave the theater until the moment passed.

Pet Cemetery is a terrible, borderline unwatchable mediocrity. Honestly, I wish Pet Cemetery were a more conventionally bad movie. Instead, Pet Cemetery is bad in the least interesting ways. The acting is boring, the scares are bland, the direction is uninteresting. It’s all got an air of professional polish but nothing stands out as being very good. It’s bad but not in a bold or original way, it doesn’t take any chances.

I hate a number of movies for a number of reasons but I respect bad movies that take big old swings and misses. That’s interesting, being way off the mark, really missing the boat takes vision and care. The Room is that kind of movie. A visionary bad movie with a singular perspective that happens to be the exact wrong singular perspective. To a lesser extent, Suicide Squad is an example of interesting bad. They had a terrible idea how to make that movie and they stuck to their guns and failed in a spectacular fashion that I can’t help but respect a little.

No one who made Pet Cemetery appears to care about what they are doing. There is a distinct workman-like approach to Pet Cemetery, as if everyone were working hard toward building something they had no personal investment in. They could all be building different parts of a couch to be assembled and delivered as much care and personal involvement. It would be a sturdy couch but lumpy and ill-suited to all other decor.

That’s a wordy, snarky, jerky, way of saying Pet Cemetery is bad and don’t waste your money on it. As for Jason Clarke, whom I addressed at the start of this review: come back to us man. It’s not too late. I still think you can act. I still see that awesome performance in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes somewhere behind those mostly dead eyes. It’s not too late man, you can pull out the skid. I see you’re moving to television, that’s a really good first step.

Movie Review Percy Jackson and the Olympians

Percy Jackson and the Olympians The Lightning Thief (2010) 

Directed by Chris Columbus

Written by Craig Titley 

Starring Logan Lerman, Brandon T. Jackson, Alexandra Daddario, Sean Bean, Pierce Brosnan, Steve Coogan, Rosario Dawson, Catherine Keener, Uma Thurman 

Release Date February 12th, 2010

Published February 11th, 2010 

All Percy Jackson needs is a little forehead scar to complete the shadow of Harry Potter that lurks all throughout this unexceptional effort to craft another teen appeal sequel machine. Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, based on a popular series of novels from an author achingly jealous of the millions raked in by J.K Rowling, even goes so far as to hire former Potter director Chris Columbus just to make sure you don't miss the connection.

Logan Lerman is the titular Percy Jackson, a gap model good looking kid rendered a nerd for the purpose of making him relatable. As we join the story Percy and his pal Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) are sitting by the pool waiting for the plot to kick in. When it finally does, Percy finds out that he is a demi-god, the long abandoned son of the god Poseidon (Kevin McKidd from TV's Grey's Anatomy).

This is revealed to Percy after one of his teacher’s morphs into a bat-winged demon and tries to kill him for stealing Zeus's lightning bolt. Zeus is played by that master of stern blandness Sean Bean (Lord of the Rings). Zeus's bolt is the most powerful force in the universe and somehow he has allowed it to be stolen by a kid who can hardly pass a 10th grade lit class. This does not speak well of the Gods.

The embarrassment and anger is likely to lead to a war of the gods unless Percy, Grover and Percy's assigned love interest, fellow demi-god Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario), can find the bolt and the thief and return them to Mt. Olympus which for tourism purposes is located in the Empire State Building.

At least J.K Rowling had the inventiveness to create her own world from scratch in Harry Potter, Percy Jackson rips the work of hundreds of years for its remarkably dull characters. Drawing on centuries of stories about the gods and their offspring, the story of Percy Jackson as adapted by Craig Titley from Rick Riordan's unexceptional book series, manages to be dull about characters with unlimited powers and astonishing back stories.

Then again, this is only the introduction. Percy Jackson is set to be a film series and thus all that is required here is a primer on Percy and the other lead characters including the aforementioned gods, best friend, love interest and Pierce Brosnan as, arguably, the most dignified half-man half horse in film history.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on Percy Jackson, the Olympians and the lightning thief. It is, like so many modern studio features, merely a sequel machine meant to pump out just enough plot for us to come back next time. Why should anyone really ask anymore from a film with such a limited goal?

Sure, J.K Rowling and her film partners have taken her work and enhanced and enriched it on screen with each subsequent film to the point where the film work is as grand as or even grander than it is on the page. But why should every movie have to have such aspiration, especially when modern audiences don't seem to require that much hard work.

Ah, Percy; for a compromised rip-off teen friendly franchise you're not so bad.

Movie Review Penguins of Madagascar

Penguins of Madagascar (2016) 

Directed by Eric Darnell, Simon J. Smith

Written by Michael Colton, John Aboud 

Starring Tom McGrath, Chris Miller, Christopher Knights, Benedict Cumberbatch, Ken Jeong, John Malkovich

Release Date November 26th, 2016

Published November 27th, 2016

What is the point of reviewing "Penguins of Madagascar?" I know this movie was not made with my particular sensibilities in mind. I could say it's my job to appraise ``Penguins of Madagascar '' and other such films but you know that already and it doesn't really justify the point either; unless you're as deeply concerned about my work obligations as I am. 

So, why do I write about "Penguins of Madagascar?" I don't know, why don't I write something and see if I arrive at a point. That could be fun, or funny or a complete waste of both of our time. 

Skipper, Rico, Kowalski and Private are side characters generated for the series of "Madagascar" cartoons that justified their existence by giving big stars like Ben Stiller and Chris Rock major paychecks that they otherwise might not have gotten. The Penguins then proven to be so winning with audiences that they were spun off for their own TV series on Nickelodeon. I have never seen, nor do I have any knowledge of the cartoon series beyond the fact of its existence. I can assume that because it exists, the Penguins must be popular. 

"Penguins of Madagascar" serves as an origin story for how our four flippered heroes came together and became super secret government agents of some sort. First, we see them as children rescuing the egg that would become Private, the cute one. This will be Private's journey even more than the rest as he attempts to rise from being 'the cute one' to being a valued member of the team, Skipper's favored phrase for praising Rico and Kowalski. 

Private gets his chance to improve his status when the foursome is kidnapped by Dave the Octopus (John Malkovich), a revenge seeking former zoo-mate from the Bronx zoo. Seems everywhere Dave went he briefly became a star before the Penguins showed up, upstaged him with their cuteness, and left him to rot in under-filled tanks with zero adoring fans. Now, Dave wants revenge, not just on our heroes but all Penguins everywhere. 

Attempting to thwart Dave is "North Wind" a super-secret spy organization headed up by Agent Classified (Benedict Cumberbatch) and his team of wild animal heroes that includes the voices of Ken Jeong, Annette Mahendru and Peter Stormare. You will have to see the movie to get the joke about the name Agent Classified, it's a runner and it's kind of amusing. 

I've painted all of the pictures of the plot that are necessary so where do I go from here? How about.... Is "Penguins of Madagascar '' funny? Yeah, kind of. I realize that's not a great answer but this isn't a great movie either. The jokes are groaning familiar from other modern referential and self-aware animated movies. There isn't a great deal to the modest joy of "Penguins of Madagascar '' that you couldn't get from a 500th viewing of "Despicable Me" or any of the "Madagascar '' movies. 

In fact, the more I think of it, the less reason there is for "Penguins of Madagascar '' to exist at all. The animation isn't too far off from a random video game. The humor is derivative, the characters fun and cute but nothing much about them is memorable beyond one of them having the lovingly English tones of Benedict Cumberbatch. The lead performers are all unknown voice actors who are fine to listen to but don't leave much of an impression. 

Ahh, but you ask: Will my kids like it? Probably? It depends how discerning your child is. If you have a kid with some flair and taste he or she will likely squirm through the movie in hopes of getting on to something more worthy of their attention. If you have a kid who just likes pretty colors, loud noise and animals that talk,. then yes, yes that child will likely enjoy, consume and forget "Penguins of Madagascar" in short order. 

So, have I justified writing about "Penguins of Madagascar?"

Movie Review Penelope

Penelope (2008) 

Directed by Mark Palansky 

Written by Leslie Caveny

Starring Christina Ricci, James McAvoy, Catherine O'Hara, Peter Dinklage, Richard E. Grant, Reese Witherspoon

Release Date February 29th, 2008

Published June 25th, 2008

The Wilhern family has been cursed for generations ever since a great uncle impregnated and abandoned a commoner who subsequently killed herself. That girl's mother happened to be a local witch who placed a curse on the family. It would be visited on the first daughter born to a Wilhern woman. She would be born with the features of a pig.

Decades and generations passed with the lucky births of only male children until Penelope was born. Born to Catherine and Franklin Wilhern in 1970's London, Penelope immediately became an urban legend and journalists crawled through the walls in attempts to get a photo of the pig girl.

One of those reporters was Lemon (Peter Dinklage) who lost an eye to Catherine when he leapt from a kitchen bread basket attempting to get Penelope's photo. The family was forced to fake Penelope's death in order to give her a peaceful upbringing. Now, with word that the curse could be lifted if someone of similar lineage were to fall in love with Penelope, the girl with the pig nose is eager for love and marriage.

With the help of a matchmaker, Wanda (Ronnie Ancona), Penelope and her mother have vetted almost every blue blood in the country including a venal shipping heir, Edward Vanderman (Simon Woods) who was so frightened by her features that he leapt through a window. He was the first of her many suitors to escape without signing a confidentiality agreement. He immediately went to the police who threw him in jail for a night.

Eventually, Vanderman ends up with Lemon and the two conspire to expose Penelope. They hire a down and out member of the extended royal family, Max (James McAvoy) to seduce and photograph Penelope. The plan goes awry when Max actually falls for Penelope sight unseen and decides it best to leave her alone. Heartbroken, Penelope runs away from home and finds a whole new life. There is a good deal more to the story but I will leave to seee the movie yourself to find out. 

First time helmer Mark Palansky has a talent for good natured whimsy. With a top notch cast he creates a group of pleasant characters who are easy to like and root for. Christina Ricci is particularly winning in the lead role while Reese Witherspoon shines in her brief role as Penelope's first real friend. Ricci has a remarkable talent for playing lovable oddballs or dyspeptic, disaffected ingenues and her vast range is great help to Penelope.

That said, the whimsy of Penelope belies an all too light approach in the end. Yes, the movie is a modern fairy tale but even fairy tales have a lesson to impart or something that makes them memorable beyond being good natured. Penelope is so gentle and pleasant that it becomes cloying. The light hearted sweetness overflows what little good there is in Penelope. It's a shame because Christina Ricci could have done much more with this role if the film had been more ambitious. 

Movie Review Paul Blart Mall Cop

Paul Blart Mall Cop (2009) 

Directed by Steve Carr 

Written by Kevin James, Nick Bakay

Starring Kevin James, Jayma Mayes, Raini Rodriguez 

Release Date January 16th, 2009 

Published January 15th, 2009 

Similar to my recent review of My Bloody Valentine 3D, I love surprises. I never imagined a movie about a doughy mall cop would be anything other than a waste of time. Once again, I am happy to be proven wrong. Paul Blart Mall Cop is a goofball movie but it's one terrific goof.

Kevin James stars as the titular Mall Cop. Paul is a guy who has failed in his attempt to become a New Jersey State Trooper 7 times. Paul is hypoglycemic and when he doesn't get enough sugar he passes out cold. This condition has doomed Paul to nearly a decade as a mall security guard.

Good natured Paul takes his role very seriously, tracking mall traffic patterns, pulling over oldsters on scooters for reckless riding, and training new guards how to pretend they have a weapon. Despite his dedication and obvious sweetness, Paul is continuously taken advantage of and humiliated by shoppers and co-workers alike.

Nevertheless, with the help of a little Barry Manilow and a touch of Survivor, Paul always bounces back. Thus, when his mall is attacked by thieves with an overly elaborate and odd scheme, Paul becomes just the man to thwart them. Complicating matters are the hostages who include Paul's 12 year old daughter Maya (Raini Rodriguez) and the girl Paul has been crushing on for weeks, Amy (Jayma Mays).

Paul Blart Mall Cop was directed by Steve Carr, not a director known for skilled comic timing. His credits include the abysmal Eddie Murphy kiddie flick Daddy Day Care. Thankfully, the script was co-written by star Kevin James and comedian Nick Bakay who play off James's innate likability to sell a goofball PG action movie plot.

Early on, James and Bakay overdo Paul's many humiliations but once they get into the mall on black friday, things pick up and the Kevin James rolli polli charm offensive begins. Battling bad guys with guns, James is like a big tough teddy bear. He wins you over with his sweetness and then when he starts kicking butt you can barely hold back from cheering aloud.

I want to note that this film was produced by Adam Sandler who I feel has tried to make this movie before for himself and for others like Rob Schneider. Loud, violent with an ironic soundtrack and a bit with a dog. But, Sandler can't do it without delving into the dark side of his psyche where his taste for disgusting, bodily function humor and angry recrimination.

Where Sandler scores cheap points with his confident anger and bathroom humor, James is much smarter and more subtle. James does a Sandler movie without ever really indulging any Sandler-isms. No bathroom humor, just a sweet guy in a desperate situation whose reactions to this outlandish situation are where the jokes come from.

In the end, Kevin James is such a skilled and committed physical comic and such a winning personality that you can't help but laugh repeatedly with him and come to love the guy. Paul Blart Mall Cop is just pure fun.

Movie Review Paranormal Activity 3

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) 

Directed by Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman  

Written by Christopher Landon 

Starring Katie Featherston, Lauren Bittner, Chris Smith 

Release Date October 21st, 2011 

Published October 21st, 2011 

If you have seen one Paranormal Activity movie, you've seen all three Paranormal Activity movies. Yes, the characters are different in each movie but the style and the general set up and execution are pretty much the same.

Paranormal Activity 3 is dressed up as a prequel intended to shed light on how the sister characters from 1 & 2, played by Sprague Graydon and Katie Featherston, ended up as targets of evil spirits but the prequel aspect doesn't really matter much; if you can really tell which sister was in which movie you care much more than I did.

The bottom line is that the set up and execution is the same for each of the movies. Cameras are trained on a home where strange things keep happening. Cameras are pointed at the beds of family members, as well as in the living room and kitchen.

Long stretches of film pass with nothing happening until something seems to move. More time passes and the movements become more noticeable. Finally, a crash is heard and something potentially deathly happens as the audience leaps in their seats.

The set up worked in the first '"Paranormal Activity" movie because of the novelty of director Oren Peli's no budget approach. "Paranormal Activity 2" however, exposed the holes in this premise and added the hoary concept of a child in danger.

"Paranormal Activity 3" wears out the welcome of this once novel approach to horror filmmaking in the first 30 minutes of the movie. Irksome characters standing in for the mother (Lauren Bittner) of the two sisters, Katie and Kristi, from the first two films, played as children by Jessica Tyler Brown and Chloe Csengery, and the mother's boyfriend (Christopher N. Smith), are no different from the characters troubled in the first two films.

The boyfriend carries his camera everywhere he goes for no other reason than the plot requires it. He sets up cameras throughout the house and with no surprise whatsoever causes friction with his girlfriend, even as the cameras clearly capture the ghostly presence that is wreaking havoc throughout the house.

If there is one modest innovation in "Paranormal Activity 3" it is a rotating camera jerry-rigged onto a rotating fan base. As the camera pans between the kitchen and living room we know that it will reveal something terrifying eventually and the slow turn of the camera is an effective piece of suspense until it too wears out its welcome.

"Paranormal Activity 3" is yet another in a long line of cynical cash grabs that don't even have the decency to hide their commercial intentions behind even low rent entertainment. The modest scares of "Paranormal Activity 3" rarely rise to the level of those in the first film, mostly because they're basically reruns.

Movie Review The Golden Compass

The Golden Compass (2007) 

Directed by Chris Weitz 

Written by Chris Weitz 

Starring Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig, Sam Elliott, Eva Green, Ian McKellen, Dakota Blue Richards 

Release Date December 7th, 2007 

Published December 6th, 2007

It is the most perfect irony that church organizations are planning to boycott a movie about a Vatican-esque organization that tries to silence those who think differently from them. Church folk are livid over the new movie The Golden Compass from director Chris Weitz. The film is based on the first novel in the "His Dark Materials" series from author Philip Pullman.

Pullman has been accused and has done little to deny that his book series is anti-church with a specifically atheistic bent.  The movie however, is far from strident. The Golden Compass as a movie is not a religious or anti-religious tract. Rather, as a movie this is a family friendly adventure epic with terrific special effects, a compelling story and a star-making lead performance from young actress Dakota Blue Richards.

Lyra Belaqua (Richards) seems like a normal kid, running and playing with the other children like a classic tomboy. Spunky, smart with a rebellious streak, she lives a privileged but not spoiled existence at Jordan College where her uncle Asriel (Daniel Craig) is a welcome but controversial presence. His investigations of parallel universes and a magical dust that connects these universes together have many in power quite nervous.

An organization called the Magisterium feels that what Asriel does in his research is heresy. They go as far as trying to kill him. It is Lyra who saves his life and soon he is off for the north for further investigation. Meanwhile, Lyra is visited by Mrs. Coulter. Not often impressed with the adults around her, Lyra is surprisingly taken with Mrs. Coulter and is taken on as her guest with promises of a trip to the north to see her uncle.

Before she leaves, Lyra is given a gift, a golden compass that allows her to see into the future. Only she can interpret its symbols and make it work and she must keep it from Mrs. Coulter at all costs, Mrs. Coulter is a member of the magisterium. When Mrs. Coulter demands to see the compass Lyra runs away and thus begins an adventure north with the aid of an ancient seafaring race, a flying ace called an aeronaut (Sam Elliott) and a warrior race of polar bears.

The Golden Compass was adapted and directed by Chris Weitz, an ambitious young director with one masterpiece (About A Boy) and one disaster (American Dreamz) under his belt in his short career. A family action adventure fantasy would not seem like material right up his alley but Chris Weitz really pulls it off. This is a terrifically eye catching adventure that combines visual splendor with terrific storytelling to create a rousing adventure.

Though Weitz has never worked with major effects before in his career you wouldn't know it from The Golden Compass. From the awesome polar bears in full combat gear and olde english accents to the icy landscapes of the north country, The Golden Compass is as visually accomplished and daring as anything in The Chronicles of Narnia or even The Lord of the Rings and with a more human voice than either of those impressive epics.

The reality of The Golden Compass controversy is this, if someone walks into this movie searching for an agenda they will likely find it. That can be said about any number of movies but applies particularly here. Those who want the film to have an anti--church agenda will find one, they will have to employ some intellectual dishonesty to get there but they will get there.

The Golden Compass as a stand alone movie however, is no tract but rather an exciting, innovative family action adventure that takes the best of the Narnia and Rings franchises and humanizes them with deeper storytelling and equal visual splendor.

Young Dakota Blue Richards is entirely unaffected by any dark agendas. Her performance is pure joy and excitement. This pre-teen British actress is a stunner in a lead role that would overwhelm most actresses her age. Her spunk and pluck are so convincing and so winning you may forget just how young she is, then her vulnerability is displayed and you are won over all over again.

Even with the stunning special effects, with an icy beautiful Nicole Kidman, even with James Bond himself Daniel Craig on screen, Dakota Blue Richards is without doubt the most impressive performer in the whole of The Golden Compass.

I urge anyone who believes that The Golden Compass is some strident anti-religious tract to see the movie. Unless you really, really force it you will not find this agenda you are searching for. My bet is that half way into this well told, visually garish epic you will have forgotten your agenda and be absorbed by this wondrous story that Chris Weitz has so well brought to the screen.

Movie Review: Alvin and the Chipmunks

Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007) 

Directed by Tim Hill 

Written by Jon Vitti, Will McRobb, Chris Vicardi 

Starring Jason Lee, David Cross, Cameron Richardson, Justin Long 

Release Date December 14th, 2007

Published December 14th, 2007

There are times when the disdain Hollywood has for the common man cannot be denied. In the case of the new CGI-live action collision Alvin and the Chipmunks the obvious disdain rages from star David Cross' condescending performance to the music that the makers of Alvin and the Chipmunks assumes Americans would absolutely love, quality be damned.

On the outskirts of Los Angeles three Chipmunks are filling their tree for the winter when suddenly the tree is coming down. Thrown on to the back of a truck, the Chipmunks now former home is on it's way to the lobby of a record company as a Christmas decoration. Scanning their new digs, Alvin (Justin Long), Simon (Matthew Gray Gubler) and Theodore (Jesse McCartney) find their isn't much of a food supply.

Jumping out of the tree their timing could not be more fortuitous. Leaving the record company, with a giant basket of muffins is Dave Seville (Jason Lee). Dave has just failed his latest attempt to sell one of his rather depressing tunes. His former friend Ian (David Cross), now a big time record producer, has just told him to give up his dreams because neither Britney, Christina or Justin will ever sing one of his songs.

Unknown to Dave, the Chipmunks have stowed away in his stolen muffin basket and are coming home with some big surprises. Not only can they talk, these chipmunks can sing and dance too. Soon Dave is writing them a hit Christmas song and they are so impressing Ian that they have a record deal and a hit record in less than a week.

From there the film becomes a parody on the rigors of the music industry and a typical kids movie about the creation of an unlikely family. Neither of these two competing plots is very interesting. Directed  by Tim Hill, the auteur behind the Garfield sequel A Tale of Two Kitties, Alvin and the Chipmunks rolls off of the kids movie assembly line with all of the typical family movie parts in place.

Bathroom humor, family values and a whole lot of slapstick make for just another upbeat and forgettable piece of kids movie flotsam.

Where Alvin and the Chipmunks is slightly more insulting than the average kids movie is in the films attempts at music industry satire. In these scenes Alvin and the Chipmunks fly up the charts with hip hop infused takes on the 50's and 60's novelty records that propelled them into our pop culture more than 40 years ago.

The Chipmunks Christmas song and Witch Doctor are innocuous enough and such a part of the Chipmunks pop culture cache that their inclusion and update are passable. It's later when the chipmunks begin singing awful hip hop originals that things become insulting. As the chipmunks, Dave and David Cross' slimy record producer Ian each readily admint, these songs suck. Yet each is portrayed in the film as flying up the charts, selling millions of copies and selling sold out tours.

I've never been one to credit our culture for having taste but these songs are so execrable that even a less than discerning public would easily reject them. Nevertheless, the film persists that even though the chipmunks themselves dislike the music the sheep like masses eat it up without question.

The most curious and often insulting thing in Alvin and the Chipmunks is the performance of comedian David Cross. One of the funniest stand up comics working today, Cross is bizarre and even grotesque in his role as a slimy record producer working the chipmunks to exhaustion. His performance begins as a satire of douchebag faux cool. However, as he transforms into the film's lead bad guy the performance becomes more one note and insulting.

Is my taking offense at this little kids movie misplaced? Maybe, but that is my true feeling. If the movie has no respect for its audience, why should I have respect for the movie. Is Alvin and the Chipmunks otherwise inoffensive? Yes, and it's even technically impressive in the way it integrates the CGI Chipmunks with the real world. That doesn't change the fact that the film is disrespectful to it's audience.

Movie Review Paranormal Activity 2


Paranormal Activity 2 (2010) 

Directed by Tod Williams 

Written by Michael R. Perry, Christopher Landon

Starring Micah Sloat, Katie Featherston

Release Date October 22nd, 2010

Published October 21st, 2010 

You can never go home again. It's a quote I live by as a way of looking forward instead of looking back. Sometimes, it seems that all Hollywood can do is look back. Sequel after sequel attempts to recreate the brilliance of an original and 99.9% of these sequels fail. Why? Because, you can't go home again. You can't recreate greatness. Failing to look forward inevitably leads to falling down. The makers of “Paranormal Activity 2” are at the moment tumbling into the abyss.

I won't spend much time on a plot description as many of you are going to see this film and may actually find a way to enjoy it; I understand a good buzz might help. Essentially, a California family finds themselves plagued by unseen forces. The actions of these unseen forces, possibly linked to the past of mom, Kristie, are caught on the family's new in-home security system; cameras conveniently placed everywhere from the patio to the bedroom of the new baby, Hunter.

Doors slam from unseen forces acting on them. Drawers and cabinets spill their contents for no earthly reason. And, noises and voices can be heard late in the night and their source is nowhere to be found. For nights on end these creepy things keep happening, all captured on camera and pored over the following morning by the dazed and confused family.

The key to the first “Paranormal Activity,” released just a year ago, was the surprise and the seeming newness of director Oren Peli's approach. Sure, we'd seen something of it's like in “The Blair Witch Project” and “Open Water,” each film features first person filmmaking that claims to be found footage cut together by those hoping to piece together a horror story as if from an investigators perspective.

The main difference with “Paranormal Activity” was the supreme payoff that director Peli delivered like a gut punch to his prone audience well captivated by his talent for creepy images and clever sound play. Fair to say much of “Paranormal Activity” played on the stock horror cliché of the misplaced noise but the low budget spirit, the film cost under 15 grand to make, gave the film a clever underdog spirit that made the cliché charming.

”Paranormal Activity 2” has no such underdog spirit; it is indeed the well renowned favorite heading into the Halloween horror movie box office sweepstakes. Audiences enter the sequel knowing what to expect and getting exactly that, over and over and over again. Scene after scene of set up, noise, jump and back to daylight for a brief post mortem before the lowlight cameras pop on again and await the next jumpy noise or thing that moves that shouldn't.

By the sixth night this reviewer couldn't wait for the Demon to finally arrive and finish either the family or him off. “Paranormal Activity 2” is a tedious attempt to recreate the scares of the first film but lacking the clever visuals and anchored to a lame back story to connect it with the first film that I'm sure is meant to be surprising but is merely perfunctory.

Original director Oren Peli stepped aside for the sequel, offering only a pass at the script. The sequel is directed by Tod Williams a talented storyteller who’s “Door in the Floor” was a pompous but effective character piece. Sadly, Williams is on auto-pilot in “Paranormal Activity 2” which frankly is the rare film that might have benefited from a little pomposity. At least then the characters would exist beyond their ability to play scared.

You can't go home again but you can go to the bank whenever you want and that is impetus behind “Paranormal Activity 2”. Paramount Pictures is going to the bank and we will bankroll them because we want to believe that you can go home again, that the things we loved before can be recreated for us. Sequels play on a modern nostalgia in which something is lamented just days or months after it came into existence.

”Paranormal Activity” was a phenomenon just a year ago but it may as well have been a decade ago in our disposable culture and pop junkies began lamenting the past mere months after the film was available on DVD. Now, that lament is being channeled to the big screen in a cash grab attempt to tap our memories to get to our wallet. It's the height of cynicism and topped with the tedium of the actual film, it makes “Paranormal Activity 2” an unbearable experience.

Documentary Review: Distant Harmonies Pavarotti in China


Distant Harmony Pavarotti in China 

Directed by Dewitt Sage 

Written by Documentary 

Starring Luciano Pavarotti 

Release Date February 4th 1988 

Published September 27th, 2019

In 1986, in celebration of the 25th Anniversary of starting his world famous career in opera, Luciano Pavarotti went to China. As only a man of his superstar stature could Pavarotti booked a three week tour in the cloistered and controlled environment of Communist China. It was, at once, a historic moment of cultural exchange and an exchange of propaganda. The documentary, Pavarotti in China was created to further the propaganda on both sides, one slightly less sinister than the other.  

With its heavily sanitized take on the Chinese approach to art and the 'openness' of the Chinese government, Pavarotti in China was a win for the Communist regime of then President Deng Xioaping. But it was also a win for Pavarotti who was paid handsomely for the trip. Pampered as few western stars would be, Pavarotti smiles and pretends that all that is happening is mere publicity. If he's aware that he's providing cover for what we know are human rights abuses and state sponsored censorship, Pavarotti is happy to feign ignorance on camera. 

This week, that documentary, retitled Distant Harmony: Pavarotti in China, is being re-released to theaters. Why? Perhaps it is to celebrate 30 years since the documentary was completed and released. Or, it could just be that a small company acquired the rights to a documentary and decided that there was a buck to be made in retitling it and peddling it on the digital marketplace for the first time in the 30 years since it was released. 

Distant Harmony: Pavarotti in China opens with an odd and off-kilter trip into some uniquely Chinese customs. Art in China, in broad strokes, has a bombastic, colorful and intense style that is a lot for a westerner like myself to take in and begin to reckon with. The tradition known as kabuki has had plenty of exposure in the west but it has most often been used to demonstrate bombast, pomp and circumstance, a shorthand burlesque of ancient Chinese tradition. 

Here, it is used to demonstrate just how unique Pavarotti was from what audiences in China were used to in art. Western opera was slowly becoming a part of everyday culture in China, its innocuous, bellowing love ballads and richly dense orchestration always proved safe for the communist censors sensitive to the potential infiltration of ideas of freedom as symbolized by so much of American popular culture. 

 Distant Harmony: Pavarotti in China was directed by veteran Dewitt Sage who, based on the evidence at hand in the documentary, was happy to focus on Pavarotti's big smiling face while turning a blind eye to state sponsored censorship and well known human rights abuses. Pavarotti is show to be excited to perform before an audience which pays most of their monthly income to see him. The audience has no choice but to do this, attendance at Pavarotti's concert was mandated by the government. 

So, families starved specifically so that they could attend Pavarotti's performance. That, of course, is never mentioned in the doc. You find that out with a simple Google search though which doesn't shine a great light on either the documentary or Pavarotti who had to have known while he was there who he was performing for. That said, the documentary is desperately careful to avoid anything that shines an even slightly negative light on China and Pavarotti appears perfectly willing to simply perform his music and provide no fuss in regards to how people in China are paid so little that 3 weeks of pay is barely enough to purchase a ticket to Pavarotti's show, a show they are required by their government under penalty to attend. 

Even a performance of the supposedly subversive bohemian play La Boheme is but a toothless ode to young romance once the Chinese censors get involved. I’m assuming the censors got involved, it’s clear that Pavarotti’s performance of La Boheme is not intended to have any edge to it, none of the passionate rhetoric of La Boheme is heard during the performance. At the heart of Distant Harmony: Pavarotti in China is that disconnect between Pavarotti the artist and Pavarotti the man. 

Is Pavarotti a gutless, heartless, mercenary out for a buck regardless of morality or is he genuinely so naïve to the human rights situation in China that the suffering never registers with him? Distant Harmonies is not a movie intended to grapple with that idea and yet, it unintentionally begs that question and almost forces anyone with a brain to question Pavarotti's motives. The documentary just wants to be a Pavarotti travelogue in China but it take a significant amount of delusion to believe that that was actually possible. 


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