Movie Review: Enchanted

Enchanted (2007) 

Directed by Kevin Lima 

Written by Bill Kelly 

Starring Amy Adams, Patrick Dempsey, James Marsden, Timothy Spall, Idina Menzel, Susan Sarandon

Release Date November 21st, 2007

Published November 21st, 2007 

Historically, Disney has not been comfortable having their history poked fun at. Indeed, there have been lawsuits and recriminations when anyone would dare to make light of Disney's fairy tales. Well that was the old Disney. The new Disney attitude arrives with the release of Enchanted a film that doesn't so much make fun of Disney's past but rather is playfully irreverent toward it; while also reinventing and reinvigorating the formulas.

Most importantly, Enchanted brings to a mass audience the charming young star Amy Adams who following this starring role should break out into major stardom.

The kingdom of Andalasia is a cartoon paradise where a beautiful young peasant sings a song with her animal friends and awaits the arrival of her prince and her happily ever after. The peasant girl is Giselle (Amy Adams) and her prince is Edward (James Marsden) a vainglorious but good natured blowhard. The two fall immediately in love and are to married moments after meeting.

The couple's marriage plans are derailed however when the prince's step mother Queen Narissa (Susan Sarandon) see's Giselle as a threat to her thrown. Taking on the classic look of crone, the Queen tricks Giselle into falling into a magical waterfall that transports her to an entirely different dimension. When Giselle comes around she finds herself in a strange place, New York City circa 2007.

Trapped with no way home, Giselle wanders the streets and hopes for Edward to rescue her. In the meantime she is taken in by Robert (Patrick Dempsey) and his six year old daughter Morgan(Rachel Covey). Morgan is convinced that Giselle is a real princess, Robert is more than just skeptical, he thinks she's a loon.

Enchanted, directed by animation vet Kevin Lima (Tarzan), sends up a number of classically Disney set pieces. From helpful woodland creatures, given a disturbingly New York twist, too characters breaking into impromptu song and dance routines choreographed as if Busby Berkley just happened to walk down the street spilling his imagination all over the place. Everything classically Disney is given a playful tweak.

Shrek tried and sometimes succeed in pulling  off the same irreverent trick but Enchanted is free of the snarkiness of the green ogre's jibes and the baggage of the Jeffrey Katzenberg litigiousness. It's nice to see Disney finally have a sense of humor about it's past and director Kevin Lima and writer Bill Kelly made that possible by not trying to destroy the tradition of the mouse house but reinvent it with a more modern sense of humor.

Of course, the real reason that Enchanted is so enchanting is star Amy Adams. This lovely young actress who burst on the scene with her Oscar nominated performance in Junebug, is the perfect choice to play a princess. With her warm welcoming eyes and her wonderful heart on her sleeve, Adams is exceptional in the role of Giselle. So good in fact is Ms. Adams that she could win an Oscar for this feather light comedy, she's that good here.

Patrick Dempsey, so charming as television's McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy, tones down the charm to play a classic romantic male lead, the hard hearted stuffed shirt who is softened by love and romance. Providing some grounding for the more magical elements of Enchanted, keep an on Dempsey for some of the films big visual gags as slowly but surely he gives into to all of the singing and dancing magic.

Enchanted is one of the best live action family films to come along in this decade. It's also one of the better romantic comedies as well. The magical premise, the bursts of music and humor make Enchanted truly a joy to behold. Best of all, the film delivers Amy Adams to mass audiences that didn't see Junebug or somehow missed her terrific supporting turn in Catch Me If You Can.

The tremendous star turn of Amy Adams combined with the heart filled yet irreverent script of Bill Kelly and the well managed direction of Kevin Lima make Enchanted a delight for families and romantics alike.

Movie Review Hitman

Hitman (2007) 

Directed by Xavier Gens

Written by Skip Woods

Starring Timothy Olyphant, Dougray Scott, Olga Kurylenko 

Release Date November 20th, 2007

Published November 19th, 2007

Have you ever seen somebody who is clearly trying hard to be cool? He looks cool on the surface, but closer inspection shows the strain, the hard work that went into being cool. Hitman is a movie that is trying very hard to be cool, but the strain shows. Desperately aping the sleek style of the Matrix while trying to capture the cool of the sadly overlooked 2002 flick Equilibrium, a film of such effortless cool that even failing at the office does little to diminish it, Hitman comes of as desperate and uncool. 

Timothy Olyphant stars in Hitman as a nameless assassin who is said to be the best killer in the world. Raised in a secret society and trained in diapers to be a stone cold killer, our nameless hitman is given only a number, 47, and a barcode tattoo on the back of his head. Sent to Russia to assassinate the Russian President, a former hardliner going soft toward the west, 47 finds himself wrapped in Russian politics when the man who he knows he killed continues to make public appearances after his death.

On the assassin's trail is a hard charging Interpol agent Mike Whittier (Dougray Scott). His pursuit of the assassin is dogged and determined and yet he carries a grudging respect for the skill and efficiency of the killer. When the two catch up to one another the determined stares are nearly as lethal as the bullets.

Directed by Xavier Gens, Hitman is far from being a bad movie. Rather, Hitman is a thinly premised action flick that looks much cooler than it actually is. Highly stylized, quickly choreographed violence is nothing new and Hitman arrives looking like a poseur. We've been there since The Matrix, and we've done that a few times already this year alone, Smokin' Aces, Shoot'Em Up.

So why isn't Hitman really cool? Because it's too late. This highly stylized, high body count action movie is already becoming out of date. In fact, this action sub-genre has already been sent up and blown away in Michael Davis' Shoot'Em Up. That doesn't mean there are no more thrills to be garnered from the highly stylized action movie but that Hitman simply doesn't do enough to innovate or set itself apart from what has come before it.

Timothy Olyphant oozes charisma and machismo but I'm not sure this is the right role for him. Anyone who remembers his terrific performance in Go or his foul mouthed role on television's Deadwood will find him hard to believe as an asexual hitman monk. Co-star Dougray Scott plays the good guy better than expected in Hitman. Often typecast as a faceless baddie, Scott shows good guy range never seen before in his journeyman career.

No doubt Hitman will satisfy audiences with short attention spans. Only a moviegoer who has already forgotten the last stylized action flick they saw will truly enjoy the derivative action of Hitman. On the bright side, Hitman is the rare video game adaptation that doesn't entirely suck. Director Xavier Gens is a more than competent director. His action is solid, if unspectacular. He's far better than most directors left with the task of interpreting artless video games into movies.

Hitman is too familiar to be great and is far less cool than it wishes it were. Trying to be cool is the most uncool thing you can do. That's the unfortunate place where the makers of Hitman find themselves.

Movie Review: Awake

Awake (2007) 

Directed by Joby Harald 

Written by Joby Harald 

Starring Hayden Christensen, Jessica Alba, Lena Olin, Terrence Howard 

Release Date November 30th, 2007

Published November 29th, 2007

Anesthetic awareness is something that happens to a small percentage of patients placed under surgical anesthesia. The patient is thought to be made unconscious by the anesthesia but for whatever reason they are not fully under. For some patients it can mean recalling conversations that took place between the surgeons for some it's a modest amount of pain.

For a small percentage of patients anesthetic awareness means full awareness of everything from the surgical banter to the pain of surgical steel slicing skin and cutting bone. The new thriller Awake from writer-director Joby Harold takes this concept and builds a surprisingly captivating thriller around it.

Hayden Christensen, yes baby Vader himself, stars in Awake as Clay Beresford. A son of privilege's, Clay has never wonted for anything. Now as an adult, Clay has one thing he desperately needs, a new heart. Clay is dying unless he can get a heart transplant. While his mother (Lena Olin) is maneuvering to get a world renowned heart surgeon (Arliss Howard) to perform Clay's surgery, he has become attached to his own doctor, Jack Harper (Terrence Howard).

Adding to the mother son tension is Clay's secret romance with mom's assistant Sam (Jessica Alba). Clay and Sam have been sneaking around together for months, difficult because mama's boy Clay still lives at home and works for mom's company. When his surgery day finally arrives Clay must tell mom that not only have he and Sam been sneaking around, they married in the middle of the night.

Once the surgery is under way the real twists and turns begin. A last minute replacement anesthesiologist (Christopher McDonald) fails to put Clay completely under. This leaves him fully awake but unable to move or speak as the surgeons begin there work.

Written and directed by Joby Harold, Awake has more twists and turns than you might expect from such a unique and seemingly constrictive plot. The movie has taken nearly two years to get to the screen. Harold and company finished filming in late 2005 but Harold could not find a final cut that he was happy with. Nearly two years later he has found just the right combination of ludicrous melodrama and edge of your seat excitement.

There is a definite B-movie quality to every thing about Awake. This aesthetic however, really works for this slightly goofy material. The story involves a guy wandering around outside his body trying to get someone to help him and then taking an inner journey through his memories to figure out how he got there. There is an even more goofball moment late in the film that works on it's own logic but I won't reveal it here.

So much of Awake has a B-movie thrill from the modest nudity (Side Boob) of Jessica Alba to Hayden Christenson's weird take on existential angst. His harried inner voice as he, paralyzed by anasthetic listens intently to his surgeons is both goofy and engaging. Just the right amount of disbelief and earnest horror mingle in his breathless attempts to move, shout or just squeeze out a tear.

Jessica Alba makes for terrific eye candy but the twists and turns of this plot call for a different actress. To reveal more might jeopardize some of the unique twists and turns of this off the wall but more often engaging little thriller. Without giving to much away, someone like Elisha Cuthbert or Erika Christensen would likely have been more appropriate for the role. For one thing, their star power would not completely overwhelm the already weak draw of Hayden Christenson, as Ms. Alba most certainly does.

Perfect for her role however is Lena Olin. As Clay's shifty, scheming mother Olin is snaky and sexy. Appearing to be the villain of the piece, Olin brings unique shifts in tone and twists you will not see coming. She threatens to bring some civility and talent to this B-movie enterprise. Thankfully, respectability is out the window by the time mommy brings the films biggest and most laughable twist. Yes, it's goofy as all get out, but it works in the logic of this ludicrous universe.

Writer-Director Joby Harold smartly attacks this B-movie material by creating his own unique universe where the ill-logic of the films many twists and turns can exist in their own believable way. There is no attempt to make these situations realistic, the film flows with the ludicrous and outlandish and creates a way for those things to exist and be quite gripping.

Awake is far from great 'cinema' but for cheap, goofball melodrama, existential angst and a tapping of real human fears (awake on an operating table! Yikes!) this is a crafty and fun little flick, more than worthy of a turn in your DVD player.

Movie Review The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (2007) 

Directed by Julian Schnabel

Written by Ronald Harwood

Starring Matthieu Amalric, Emmanuelle Seigner, Anne Cosigny 

Release Date November 30th, 2007

Published December 25th, 2007 

Jean Dominique Bauby was a remarkable man even before the extraordinary end of his life. A globetrotting journalist who climbed the highest peaks, leapt out planes and lived the life most people dream of, the editor of the French edition of Elle Magazine could never be accused of taking life for granted.

That was the cruel irony of his fateful end. Bauby suffered a stroke at age 42 that left him paralyzed and suffering from what is called locked in syndrome. His mind was clear and vibrant but he was unable to move or communicate. The story of how Bauby in this condition still managed to author a bestselling book is captured in remarkably vivid fashion in Julian Schnabel's The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

Matthew Amalric stars as Jean Dominique Bauby and it is a remarkable transformation. The handsome French actor, glimpsed only briefly, in flashback, as he really looks, transforms completely into the role of a man trapped inside his own body. In the coma however, we catch only a few moments of Amalric as Bauby.

What director Julian Schnabel does so remarkably is use his camera to show us what Bauby's perspective was on his condition, literally and figuratively. Working from the text of Bauby's own bestseller, Schnabel and Oscar winning cinematographer Janusz Kaminski show us everything from Bauby's bed ridden and wheelchair bound perspective.

The script by Oscar winner Ronald Harwood (The Pianist) infers from Bauby's book what Bauby's inner monologue was like in all its desperate, often sad, determined and darkly humorous musing. Thus we are inside Bauby's mind and watching through his eyes and we are riveted by his inner strength and struggle.

With the help of his speech therapist (Marie Josee Croze) and the support of his ex-wife (Emmanuelle Seigner) Bauby made use of the only working parts of his body, his left eye and his brain and developed a way to communicate. Making use of an assistant he managed to use a series of blinks to write a book about his struggle and the film of his inner struggle is stunning and compelling.

While you may think that the first person perspective is limiting, Schnabel and Kaminski make use of fantasy and other cinematic tricks of the trade to give us different perspectives and some of the most remarkable cinematography of the last year.

French with French subtitles, if you aren't a fan of foreign films you won't like The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. If you are open minded however, you will get to experience an extraordinary true story crafted by a master director. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is a remarkable piece of filmmaking.

Movie Review Rachel Getting Married

Rachel Getting Married (2008) 

Directed by Jonathan Demme

Written by Jenny Lumet 

Starring Anne Hathaway, Rosemarie Dewitt, Bill Irwin, Anna Deveare Smith, Tunde Adebimpe, Debra Winger

Release Date October 3rd, 2008 

October 15th, 2008 

I was not prepared for the emotional experience of Rachel Getting Married. After watching it for the first time in November of 2008 I was left raw and vulnerable and incapable of capturing the experience in words. The film worked me over and the experience is one of the most exhilarating and exciting moments I've ever had at the movies.

Directed by Jonathan Demme, Rachel Getting Married tells the story of a New England family in the midst of a storm of emotions. On the one hand, eldest daughter Rachel (Rosemarie Dewitt) is getting married in the family's long-time home and a guest list of family and friends is pouring out the windows.

On the other hand, youngest daughter Kym is leaving rehab after an extended stay, recovering from an addiction to pills and alcohol. Kym and Rachel have always had a complicated relationship, the kind that only sisters can have. They have competed, unwittingly, for their parents' attention their entire lives. Kym through drugs and antisocial behavior, Rachel by trying desperately to be the good daughter.

Mom and Dad are divorced. Mom, Abby (Debra Winger) has retreated from her daughters. Dad, Paul (Bill Irwin) has lived and died for every moment of his daughters lives to an uncomfortable degree. He's remarried to Carol (Anna Deavere Smith) who balances his doting with calm presence.

The action unfolds over three days and nothing you might expect to happen happens. Rachel Getting Married never takes the easy way out. It doesn't have major set piece moments that can tie up a good trailer or marketing campaign. What it has in abundance is truth. Truth in how families interact. Truth how small slights can escalate into lacerating arguments.

Truth in how tragedies never really leave us. This family in Rachel Getting Married has had a tragedy and when the film is over that tragedy lingers over each of them. That is not to say that the film is filled with doom and gloom. Far from it. In fact, for as much sadness and heartache as there is, there is also joy, much of it found in music.

In a wonderfully passive way we learn that much of both families blending in this marriage are musically inclined. There is someone playing an instrument somewhere in the background of most scenes and it's all rather incidental and not a greek chorus to underscore drama or meant to distract. It just sort of is there. Music is just part of the lives of these people.

Movies shot with a digital handheld camera can be distracting and disjointed for us in the audience. We were all raised on film and the mostly crisp clean images that film provides. DV can tend to be sloppy and in the wrong hands invite a queasy feeling in the audience as if the camera would stop moving around so much.

However, the DV really works here. It feels as if we are a member of this troubled but loving family. We are more than mere witnesses to their sadness and joy, we are made a part of it by this handheld style, as if we were running the camera.

It's a phenomenally underappreciated achievement, one that should have earned Jonathan Demme an Oscar nomination for Best Director. On the bright side, Jenny Lumet who wrote the absorbing, exhausting and cathartic screenplay was nominated and will likely win the award for Best Original Screenplay.

Lumet learned so much from her father, the legendary Sydney Lumet, that it really is no wonder she can write something as brilliant as this. She has an ear for dialogue, an ear for the way families speak to one another that few writers can match.

Listen to the way Rose Dewitt and Anne Hathaway talk to each other. The rhythm, the patter, the bracing insight and the quick painful insult. It's remarkable. Listen to the way Hathaway bites off her words, her inflections, the wounded animal way she has of speaking when offended or hurt. Much of it is Hathaway, some of it is Lumet, all of it is brilliant.

I could go on for days about why Rachel Getting Married is one of the best movies I have ever seen, but I think I need to stop gushing now. I will just say that no other movie in the past 12 months has impacted me more and stayed with me longer than Rachel Getting Married and I think if you give it a chance you will feel the same way.

Movie Review Quarantine

Quarantine (2008) 

Directed by John Erick Dowdle

Written by John Erick Dowdle, Drew Dowdle 

Starring Jennifer Carpenter, Jay Hernandez, Columbus Short, Steve Harris, Dania Ramirez 

Release Date October 10th, 2008

Published October 10th, 2008 

Yawn! Another horror remake. Ah, but there is a twist this time. Quarantine isn't a Japanese or Chinese ripoff but rather a trashing of a Spanish horror movie. At least the film has one innovation.

Jennifer Carpenter stars in Quarantine as a reality TV host whose assignment this week is to follow the Los Angeles fire department on a 911 call. First though we are introduced to her assigned fire fighters. Jay Hernandez and Jonathan Schaech are the firefighters and they are a couple of likable sorts. Hernandez is knowledgeable and respectful. Schaech is boorish and flirty. Carpenter takes to them both quickly and in another movie this would be quite a love triangle. In Quarantine however, these attractive actors are merely bait.

Finally getting a call, Jennifer jumps aboard a fire engine with her fighters and soon arrives at the scene of a medical emergency in an old apartment building. Inside one of the apartments an old woman has been screaming in pain and not responding to the knocks and calls of neighbors and super. The firefighters arrive with the police and eventually break down the door. Inside the old woman has a crazed look on her face and soon she has attacked and bitten a cop so badly that he bleeds to death. As Hernandez and a cop played by Columbus Short tend to the injured cop, they and the rest of the building's tenants find themselves locked inside the building by the CDC.

Someone or something is infecting the residents and the CDC is not about to let anyone carry it to the outside. This sets up a cat and mouse game between the infected, flesh eating zombie types and the trapped tenants, cop, firefighters, our intrepid reporter and her loyal cameraman (Steve Harris). The film is shot entirely from the cameraman's perspective, as if we are watching the documentary in progress. Yes, for those who suffer from shaky cam-itis aka motion sickness, Quarantine is one of those movies. Like Cloverfield and The Blair Witch Project, Quarantine operates on the guise that these events took place and we are watching after the fact.

If only being unoriginal and a cause of mass projectile vomiting and dizziness were Quarantine's only issue. Sadly, star Jennifer Carpenter's performance rivals the remake and motion sickness issues by being the least believable TV personality since Angelina Jolie's dopey reporter in Life of Something Like It. Acting more like a spoiled teenager than a TV reporter, Carpenter giggles and flirts and exploits her access to the firemen for no other purpose than she thinks they're cute. She tells the camera that she has always wanted to be a fireman but I find it hard to believe she wanted to be anything other than a magnet for cute boys.

Things devolve further as we get into crisis mode in the apartment building. Now, no one would ever assume when they are responding to an emergency that you might end up dealing with cannibalistic, rabies ridden zombies. However, after the old woman has killed the cop and a firefighter someone should become a little more suspicious and cautious. But no. Instead characters still wander into dark areas throughout the building, fail to stick together and are picked off one by one as they remain heavily in denial about their situation.

I didn't buy a second of it. Carpenter breaks the believability with her ditz reporter and everyone else puts off because the plot requires them to be tools. As one after another is picked off our involvement with the story and the characters becomes less and less until we get to the inevitable end that we absolutely know is coming.

The style gives away the ending, not that there was much suspense involved anyway. The point and purpose to a movie like Quarantine is to try and frighten with atmosphere and camera tricks. That it fails is a function of poor craftsmanship and a lack of deeper ideas than a scary noise off camera that suddenly becomes something on camera.

Movie Review Public Enemies

Public Enemies (2009) 

Directed by Michael Mann

Written by Ronan Bennett, Ann Bideman, Michael Mann

Starring Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Marion Cotillard, Billy Crudup, Stephen Dorff

Release Date July 1st 2009

Published June 30th, 2009

Public Enemies arrives in theaters with the hype and release date of the typical summer blockbuster. However, this is so not a typical summer blockbuster that the ad campaign, trailers and 4th of July weekend release date actually threaten to be detrimental to the film. The idea of Public Enemies as a blockbuster is a disservice to the actual movie, a far more meditative and unique movie. 

Thoughtful, filmic and observant, this crime drama from the brilliant Michael Mann is everything your average summer movie is not. Yes, there are chases, bank robberies, and bullets and the look evokes classic gangster movie mythology but Scarface this is not. Michael Mann sets out with a goal of capturing history in his lens and in doing so brings an almost documentary realism to the proceedings.

In striving for gritty realism, Mann eschews the outsized, mythic and outlandish aspects of the gangster/anti-hero stories of the past. Thus much of what audiences are expecting to get in Public Enemies will not be there.

Johnny Depp stars in Public Enemies as the legendary outlaw John Dillinger whose life revolved around robbing banks. Dillinger lived for little else than the thrill of the hold up. Everything else in life from women to the trappings of fame in fortune were distant second to pulling off a bank job quickly and efficiently.

Dillinger is alleged to have robbed more than 2 dozen banks and even a couple of police stations. He famously escaped from prison twice as well, both prison breaks, daring and unique as they are, are featured in the film. Ironically, as bold and daring as these escapes are, director Michael Mann refuses to make them cute or play up the naughty anti-heroic fun that other directors might have reveled in.

Mann observes these escapes and if you happen to find it humorous that Dillinger escapes one prison with a wooden gun and by stealing the warden's own vehicle, driving it past a small army of soldiers meant solely to stop him, that is your prerogative. For Mann, Public Enemies is not a celebration of the American anti-hero or the Robin Hood myth of Dillinger.

Public Enemies is a dry observance of a historic figure, the important moments of his life and his death. The performance of Johnny Depp is most evocative of the director's intent in bringing the life of John Dillinger to the screen. Here Depp is free of mannerism, tics and actorly flourish. All of the colorful aspects of past Depp performances are gone from his Dillinger in favor of a quiet intensity.

Much of the performance remains behind his eyes. Watch the eyes and see Dillinger the man, coldly practical but also frightened, confused and conflicted. Some will sit impatiently waiting for what's behind those eyes to be expressed in some kind of physical or verbal flourish. I can tell you now, you will be left waiting. This is Johnny Depp at his most quiet and controlled. It worked for me, it may not work for most, especially you fans of Captain Jack Sparrow.

Now, I say the film is cold and observant. However, where there is warmth is in the classic touch of Cinematographer Dante Spinotti who brings a hint of classic gangster movie to the film. At times, and it is fleeting, the film takes on the look of the old Warner Brothers period gangster films whose mythic anti-heroes the film so ironically brushes aside. It is nevertheless an at times breathtakingly beautiful tribute to old Hollywood.

Also spectacular is the period production design of Nathan Crowley, the costume design of Colleen Atwood and the superior editing of Jeffrey Ford and Paul Rubell. These aspects of the film often make readers of movie reviews roll their eyes and say who cares but Public Enemies is a movie that revels in and works brilliantly because of these oh so intricate and detailed touches.

Not your typical blockbuster, Public Enemies is an extensively detailed and ingenious piece of filmmaking. An classic Oscar contender dressed up as a blockbuster star vehicle for a fourth of July weekend. I love, love, love this movie but I can understand if some people walk out unsatisfied, Public Enemies is not exactly the movie that the marketing campaign sold you on.

Movie Review Prom Night

Prom Night (2008) 

Directed by Nelson McCormick 

Written by J.S Cardone 

Starring Brittany Snow, Scott Porter, Jessica Stroup, Johnathon Schaech

Release Date April 11th, 2008

Published April 11th, 2008 

I have seen the movie Prom Night 3 times. The first time, I dismissed it as just another PG 13 teen horror movie. The second time I was modestly impressed with the compact plotting and the director's crisp clean visuals. Now, having seen it on Blu Ray, the visuals even more pronounced, I am fully impressed with Prom Night as just the right kind of throw away Saturday night horror movie. An easy, disposable rental that may not stick with you long after it's over but will compel you while it's on.

Brittany Snow stars in Prom Night, similar in name only to the 1980 Prom Night, as Donna Keppel. Two years prior to the films events, her parents and little brother were murdered. The killer was Donna's teacher who professed to having killed them so that he and Donna could run away together. He was caught and sent to a not so high security mental institution.

Two years later, as Donna is readying for Prom Night, teach (Jonathan Schaech, a long way from That Thing You Do) has escaped and is returning for his prize. Only detective Wynn (Idris Elba), the man who put the teacher away 2 years ago, can protect Donna but not knowing whether the teacher is really coming after her, he doesn't want to ruin prom. Thus sets up a Prom Night showdown. Donna and her friends and the hidden cops all over a luxury hotel vs a determined psychopath. Let the body count commence.

Why the cops don't just close in on Donna and whisk her away to safety, prom be damned, is an admittedly weak premise, they don't want to ruin prom, but if you can put that aside, Prom Night isn't half bad. Director Nelson McCormick (TV's Prisonbreak, Nip Tuck) has a strong visual sense and takes advantage of the luxury hotel setting for some terrific use of set design.

Overcoming J.S Cardone's weak screenplay which paints the director into numerous logical corners, McCormick does a tremendous job of keeping things  fast paced, exciting and even fun, if you like horror movies.

I am generally opposed to PG-13 horror movies. I think if you are going to make a horror movie, you can't limit yourself with restrictions on gore, violence, language and nudity. Granted, not all of those are necessary for horror, but they help. Director Nelson McCormick overcomes the limitations with a sizable body count and a creeptastic performance by Jonathan Schaech.

With his dirty stubbled face and intense creep eyes, Schaech sells every inch of this character even as his intentions are unclear. Writer Cardone never figured out exactly what the teacher intended to do once he caught Donna. Run away and live sickly ever after with her as a captive? Kill her on the spot. If he is just going to kill her, why does he pass up several shots at just getting it done?

The movie irritatingly screws with the audience more than once with the teacher passing up on killing Donna at most vulnerable moments. That said, there is more good than irritating in what makes up Prom Night.

No, Prom Night is not a great movie but for a formula teen horror picture it's solid and well crafted. The killer is creepy and disturbing and the heroine is someone we don't wish harm upon. It has the basics down and given the recent track record of the teen friendly horror genre, that is all we can really ask. It's nothing more than a saturday night rental, nothing you will remember on Sunday.

Break out the popcorn and beer and enjoy 88 minutes of well crafted cheese ball horror.

Movie Review Princess and the Frog

Princess and the Frog (2009) 

Directed by John Musker, Ron Clements

Written by Rob Edwards 

Starring Anika Noni Rose, Bruno Campos, Keith David, Jennifer Lewis, Oprah Winfrey, Terrence Howard, John Goodman

Release Date December 11th, 2009 

Published December 10th, 2009

Many of you are of the classic tale of The Princess and the Frog. For the uninitiated, it's about a Princess who meets a frog. They kiss, he magically transforms into a handsome prince and they live happily ever after. Disney's take on this story transfers the settings to early 1900's New Orleans, and instead of having the frog turn into a prince, they turn a prince into a frog and then the princess as well.

It's 1916 and Tiana dreams of living out the dreams of her late father. He wanted to open a restaurant and serve the best gumbo in Nawlins. Tiana has worked day and night for years and has saved enough to buy just the right space. When she is invited to cater her rich friend Charlotte's costume ball it should give Tiana all the money she needs to buy her restaurant.

Also attending the party will be the selfish, self involved Prince Naveen. All the Prince wants is to dance, play jazz and meet pretty girls. Unfortunately for Naveen, he's broke. His parents have cut him off and if he cannot charm Charlotte into marrying him, he may have to do the unthinkable: Get a job.

Before the Prince can get to the party he and his squirrelly assistant Lawrence are accosted by a voodoo witch doctor called Doctor Facilier. It is Facilier who places the frog curse on Naveen while replacing him with Lawrence in his guise. Naturally, Prince Naveen and Tiana's paths will cross and in trying to reenact the fairy tale, Naveen passes along his curse to her.

What follows is a trip deep into the Louisiana bayou, an encounter with a friendly, trumpet playing crocodile, a brave Creole firefly and a visit to Mama Odie, a powerful voodoo priestess who may be able to reverse the curse. More important on this journey are a series of jazzy tunes courtesy of the legendary Randy Newman.

The Princess and the Frog marks a return by Disney to classic hand drawn animation, a genre they abandoned nearly a decade ago. The ascendance of Pixar and Shrek had rendered hand drawn animation a dinosaur and Disney was right to place its bet on Pixar, it may pay off with a Best Picture nomination for Up, but that doesn't mean there isn't a place for the classic style.

The Princess and the Frog makes a strong case for the warm, comforting lines and colors that hand drawn has always thrived on. Combined here in The Princess and the Frog with a welcoming story, wonderful characters and great tunes, we see the form revived.

Princess and the Frog doesn't compare to say any of the Pixar movies, it lacks the story sophistication of those remarkable films. As a film specifically aimed at kids, this is the kind of movie you want your kids to enjoy, if there isn't a Pixar movie to watch. The Princess and the Frog is sweet and funny with characters of conscience, bravery and loyalty. I take issue with the anti-feminist aspects of the story (why can't a woman be happy and accomplished without a man around?) but that stuff will go over the head of kids.

Race is another topic, on the fringe anyway, in The Princess and the Frog. The movie does not explicitly address race but it is notable that Tiana is the first African American Disney Princess. Beyond that, the film's main cultural ingredient is New Orleans with its unique mix of African American and French traditions.   

With great songs, terrific characters and some laughs, The Princess and the Frog is great family entertainment.

Movie Review Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010) 

Directed by Mike Newell

Written by Boaz Yakin, Doug Miro

Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley, Toby Kebbell, Alfred Molina

Release Date May 28th, 2010

Published May 27th, 2010

There is little to really hate about “Prince of Persia.” The whole enterprise, aside from the awkward, possibly racist, casting choices, has a breezy afternoon serials vibe reminiscent of the goofball humor of Brenden Fraser's first tangle with “The Mummy.” Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't quite pull off daffy charm as Fraser does but he makes up for it with earnestness and strength.

As Dastan, Jake Gyllenhaal tackles a role made famous in an exceptionally popular video game. “Prince of Persia '' follows Dastan's adventure as he makes the luck-filled journey from street urchin to the adopted son of the King of Persia (Richard Pickup). Alongside his brothers Garsiv (Toby Kebbell) and the future King, Tus (Richard Coyle), Dastan fights to maintain the Kingdom of Persia which extends from Asia all the way to the Mediterranean.

As we join the brothers in action they've arrived at the gates of the holy city of Alamut, where rumor has it weapons are being forged for Persia's enemies. Inside the city awaits Tamina (Gemma Aterton) the guardian of the city and its traditions. Her main charge is protecting an ancient knife that contains the Sands of Time. If the knife falls into the wrong hands it might destroy all mankind.

Naturally, the knife will fall to Dastan while someone among his crew, perhaps his sneaky looking Uncle Nizam (Sir Ben Kingsley) will also pursue the knife and the conflict will divide the brothers and the Kingdom of Persia will fall into peril. Oh, and no points for guessing that Tamina and Dastan are destined to fall in love.

Yes, “Prince of Persia” is far from original but that isn't such a horrible crime because it's also entertaining and lighthearted. Director Mike Newell cleverly keeps things moving fast and doesn't dwell on a plot that is merely window dressing for modest special effects and Jake Gyllenhaal's athletic running, jumping and posing.

As for Mr. Gyllenhaal, he doesn't seem entirely comfortable in such a straightforward hero role. He works hard to bring energy to the part and some wit but you can sense an actor longing for something a little meatier to play. Instead he has minimal dialogue and a romance that adds up to little more than sideways glances, childish bickering and almost kisses leading up to one big kiss.

Just about any actor could have played the “Prince of Persia.” All they needed to do was buff up and work on their delivery of expository dialogue. Gyllenhaal gives it about as much as any other actor could give such a minimalist character. He blends well with the average special effects and is fun to watch kissing Gemma Aterton.

All that said the film breezes by in terrifically forgettable fashion; moving at a pace that keeps you involved and doesn't irritate by pretending to be anything more than a thrill park ride or a videogame. There is no assumed importance, no pretension, just quick paced, good natured, earnest action beats.

In the 30's and 40's audiences paid 25 cents to see a serial not unlike “Prince of Persia.” No, they didn't have modern effects but they did have the same sense of breezy adventure, fast paced action and tame attempts at romance. “Prince of Persia” is far from great cinema but for a fast paced summer adventure it’s not bad.

Movie Review Police, Adjective

Police, Adjective (2009) 

Directed by Corneliu Porumbolu 

Written by Corneliu Porumbolu 

Starring Dragos Bucur 

Release Date May 1st 2009 

Published May 1st, 2009 

The title Police, Adjective is instructive. The movie from Romanian writer-director Corneliu Porumboiu is as much about the police as it is about descriptive words. While ostensibly a flatfoot procedural about a detective on trial of a possible drug dealer, the film comes down to one terrific semantic debate about right and wrong.

Cristi (Dragos Bucur) is a young police detective in a tiny Romanian village where one can assume there isn't that much crime. Why else would he spend eight days on the case of three teenagers whose crime is smoking hashish? Nevertheless, Cristi goes diligently about his work first following one then another of the teens and meticulously documenting his findings.

Cristi is avoiding the chief of detectives because he knows that he will advise a sting operation to catch the teens in the act. Through his investigation Cristi has come to see this as entirely unnecessary. For one thing, hashish is unlikely to remain illegal much longer in ....Romania.... as the continent of ..Europe.. seems ready to make it legal. ....Romania.... is one of the last holdouts and the one with the most severe punishments.

The case is founded on one of the teens, whom Cristi calls Squealer, real name Alex, tattling on his pal Victor as payback for Victor gaining the romantic attention of the third teen, a girl named Doina. Alex is unaware that the crime he is putting his friend up for is actually defined as supplying drugs, not merely possession, and could land him in prison for nearly 8 years.

Cristi cannot carry the destruction of young Victor's life over something as meaningless as a joint. All of this leads to a showdown with his officious, bullying and startlingly brilliant chief of detectives Anghelache (Vlad Ivanov) who doesn't care for Cristi's crisis of conscience or his feelings about the trends of law in ..Europe... Angheleche is by the book and much of the scene hinges on a book, a dictionary and a series of specific definitions.

If that sounds dull to you I assure you that as filmed by Corneliu Porumboiu it is far from dull. Admittedly, the plot is thin, much of the real fascination in Police, Adjective is in technique than in typical storytelling. The ways in which Poromboiu observes, wordlessly, with no score, Cristi merely observing, sometimes walking, sometimes just waiting, are striking in composition and clever camera movement.

Students of film will watch with rapt attention the ways in which Poromboiu signifies the important players with minor, unspoken details. We observe the teens just as Cristi does. The lack of a distracting monologue or score invites us to make the same mental notes as Cristi, as if we too are investigating. It bonds us with him and makes the scenes more resonant when he isn't investigating, scenes involving his home life with his new wife.

These scenes are observed with all of the noise of daily life, the TV, Music and such, all the noise not present during Cristi's endless hours observing his suspects. The scenes with Cristi's wife are punctuated with a pair of resonant conversations that become important subtext to the film's third act, Cristi's showdown with Anghelache.

Police Adjective is a fascinating film, at once an experiment in the language of film and of language period. It also functions as commentary on state repression through law and a cry against the abuse of the law. In ....America.... one could compare what likely happened to poor Victor with the victims of so called Mandatory Minimum laws, in which offenders have spent endless years in jail over what are minor offenses. A smart American filmmaker might use Police Adjective as a great jumping off point for a work in that vein. 

Police, Adjective of course, works just fine on its own as a brilliant work from a brilliant writer-director.  

Movie Review Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides (2011) 

Directed by Rob Marshall

Written by Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio

Starring Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane, Geoffrey Rush 

Release Date May 20th, 2011 

Published May 19th, 2011 

In the "Star Wars" spoof "Spaceballs" the brilliant Mel Brooks invited cast and audience back for the sequel "Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money." The fourth "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie is subtitled "On Stranger Tides'' but I believe it is only because Brooks still carries a copyright on the much more apt subtitle.

The Fountain is the prize

Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) begins his fourth big screen adventure in London where a failed attempt to rescue his old pal Gibbs (Kevin McNally) leads to Jack being captured himself and being brought before King George (Richard Griffiths, leading a parade of great cameos). The King surprisingly doesn't want to kill Jack but rather to hire him.

The Spanish have found a way to reach the legendary Fountain of Youth and King George wants Jack on a ship leading the way to the Fountain before the Spanish King can drink from it and earn eternal life. Jack has a different plan; though it does involve traveling to the fountain. After an elaborate escape, easily the best scene of the film, Jack finds himself face to face with Jack Sparrow, an imposter hiring a crew under his name.

Blackbeard

The imposter is Angelica (Penelope Cruz) , one of Jack's former flames. After a brief sword fight Jack is scuttled aboard Angelica's ship which happens to be a ship belonging to the legendary bloodthirsty pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane). Angelica seeks the Fountain of Youth on behalf of Blackbeard and Jack is put in charge of getting them there.

Meanwhile, in the tale of Blackbeard and the Spanish is the Royal Navy sailing under a very unusual command. Captain Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) has gone straight and is now loyal to the crown. Barbossa is also chasing the Fountain and after grabbing Gibbs he has Jack, Angelica and Blackbeard in his sights as well.

A Mermaid, Jack

"Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" also features a subplot about a young clergyman played by Sam Claflin and a mermaid named Syrena played by Astrid Berges Frisbey. This plot unfortunately is completely superfluous and really should have been cut from the movie. Claflin is a nice enough actor but if this role was going to matter it needed to be played by someone people recognize.

Sadly even with a new director, Academy Award nominee Rob Marshall, stepping in for Gore Verbinski, "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" suffers from the same bloating that partially sank "Dead Man's Chest" and mired "At World's End" in murk and boredom. There are a solid 40 minutes that could be cut from "On Stranger Tides" 'nearly 140 minute run time and the tightening would make a far better movie.

As it is, the length renders a pretty good movie as a movie. I liked a good deal of "On Stranger Tides," especially Captain Jack's escape from the King's castle. By the end however, I could not wait for "On Stranger Tides" to be over; it didn't help matters that there is a post credits sequence to help set up the next "Pirates" sequel.

Be sure to stretch your legs

Flaws aside, Captain Jack Sparrow is an iconic creation. Even in less than stellar sequels Johnny Depp is wildly entertaining and he is no less charismatic in "On Stranger Tides." The character hasn't gained much complexity or depth through four movies but he has retained spirit and invention and the little touches that Depp brings to Captain Jack from his wildly swinging walk to his, all limbs flailing run, to the minor inflections on his words, Deep breathes a whole lot of life and fun into this shallow character.

Because Johnny Depp is very funny as Captain Jack Sparrow I cannot completely dismiss "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides." Keep your expectations low and your brain turned off and you might just have a good time. Be warned, you might want to get up and take a walk about midway through the movie. "On Stranger Tides" is long enough to make your backside ache if you stay seated for too long.

Movie Review Pirate Radio

Pirate Radio/The Boat That Rocked (2009) 

Directed by Richard Curtis

Written by Richard Curtis

Starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Bill Nighy, Kenneth Branagh, Rhys Ifans, Nick Frost, Emma Thompson

Release Date April 1st, 2009 

Published November 12th, 2009 

Oh how sad, a good premise gone bad. Pirate Radio has a sensational premise. Set in 1966 it tells the story of a Rock N' Roll radio station moored off the shores London. Why is the radio station on a ship in the Atlantic? Because 1966 was the year that rock music was banned in the UK. Brilliant subversives took the cause of rock n roll to the sea and broadcast rock, soul and pop tunes to millions.

If you think the premise is good, how about the fact that Pirate Radio is written and directed by Richard Curtis, the brilliant mind behind Four Weddings and A Funeral and Love Actually, with a cast that includes Oscar winner Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Bill Nighy, Kenneth Branagh, January Jones and Emma Thompson. How could this have gone so very, very wrong?

Pirate Radio tells the story of some heroic music lovers. Quentin (Bill Nighy) is the fun loving; sea-faring owner of Rock Radio, the most listened to pirate radio station on the high seas. His ratings are high thanks to an American DJ known as The Count (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) and a collection of oddball jocks including failed comic Angus (Rhys Darby), shy morning guy Simon (Chris O'Dowd) and ladies man Dave (Nick Frost).

Together they roll the high seas rocking, drinking and engaging in general debauchery. Or so we are told, one of the failings of Pirate Radio is how often the film leaves the best stuff off screen. This is supposed to be a movie about rock radio in the 60’s. Girls, drugs, booze, sex. And yet, we rarely see any of it. It's one thing to imply wild, rock n'roll good times but Pirate Radio can't even imply good times well enough.

Into this allegedly wild environment young Carl (Tom Sturridge) arrives. Kicked out of school for some reason, Carl's mom (Emma Thompson) sends him to stay with Quentin who may or may not be his father. What Carl or his new roommate, known to everyone on the boat as Thick Kevin (Tom Brooke) , do in exchange for staying on the boat is anyone’s guess.

Then again, motivation for any of these characters is lacking throughout Pirate Radio. So truncated is the character development in Pirate Radio that scenes arrive, exist and disappear seemingly at random. One moment a character is on the radio and in the next he's sitting around with the other DJ's laughing and drinking and while it's all congenial, even occasionally funny, there isn't much of anything going on.

Tension is supposed to build with the arrival of a new DJ named Gavin (Rhys Ifans) but again we aren't sure why. Yes, he's cocky and dismissive but we know too little about him or the people he rubs the wrong way to care why anyone is so terribly upset. Gavin is initiated in a bizarre contest with the Count that wastes a good 10 minutes of screen time.

Kenneth Branagh, playing the necessary villain as the officious government prat Sir Allistair Dormandy, is the only actor to discover his character's purpose. Though his proper British stiff is well lampooned he too lacks nuance beyond repeatedly defining himself as a jerk. At least he has a definition. Branagh's put upon assistant Mr. Twatt, yes you read that right, is a one note joke that gets less funny each time it is uttered.

There may be a behind the scenes reason for the complete failure of Pirate Radio. The film was released 8 months ago in England; then called The Boat That Rocked. The film was 20 or so minutes longer and allegedly had a lot more character stuff. Maybe, just maybe, there is something in there to explain the actions of these characters and give them depth beyond the caricatures. Then again, as it is Pirate Radio feels over long; making the film longer has rarely improved any movie.

Then again, there is a rumor that the original didn't have this version's prolonged, shipwreck of an ending, or at least didn't linger on it as much as this version does. That could definitely be an improvement. No matter what the first version of Pirate Radio/The Boat that Rocked looked like this version stinks out loud.

Movie Review Pink Panther 2

Pink Panther 2 (2009) 

Directed by Harald Zwart

Written by Steve Martin, Scott Neustader, Michael H. Weber

Starring Steve Martin, Jean Reno, Alfred Molina, Emily Mortimer, Aishwarya Rai, Andy Garcia 

Release Date February 6th, 2009 

Published February 6th, 2009 

Steve Martin used to be funny. I know it. I think. Wait, yes. Yes, Steve Martin was funny. The Jerk was funny. His first few SNL hosting gigs were funny. Three Amigos was funny. It's just that in the last decade or so Steve Martin has been so terribly unfunny that it's easy to forget when he was funny. The bad has been overwhelming the good in recent years. 

Arguably, the nadir of the last decade of Martin's career came when he chose to replace the late great Peter Sellers in The Pink Panther. Martin's The Pink Panther was a slipshod, insulting and stupid little kids movie that showcased Martin as still being able to do a pratfall but not being funny while doing it.  Somehow, Martin has convinced himself that the mess of Pink Panther was ok enough that we need another Pink Panther and though this sequel is slightly more coherent than the first film; Steve Martin remains terribly, forgettable, unfunny.

Inspector Clousseau (Martin) has been busted back down to parking duty when we join the story. However, when the Pink Panther diamond is threatened by a thief who's been stealing treasures all over the world, France turns to Clouseau and a dream team of worldwide investigators to solve the crime. Joining Clouseau in this dream team is Italian ladies man Vincenzo (Andy Garcia), British deductor Pepperidge (Alfred Molina), Japanese tech wizard Kenji (Yuki Matsuzaki) and an alluring true crime writer Sonia (Aishwarya Rai). No points for guessing that one of the dream team is really the bad guy.

Can someone explain to me why Steve Martin and the makers of the Pink Panther movies think the word Hamburger is so hilariously funny? The first film spent far too much of its run time working over that word and the gag continues in the sequel and even less effectively. I'm baffled, why this running gag? Why the word Hamburger? 

Then again, to try and locate some kind of comedic logic in the modern Pink Panther movies is a truly lost cause. This is a movie that still believes politically correct jokes are funny. Lily Tomlin shows up as an American working for the French government trying to fix Clouseau's penchant for politically incorrect statements. The last time these jokes were funny President Clinton was in office.

The Pink Panther 2 is somehow not as bad as the first film but that is a supremely low bar. Dull, witted and predictable, the overall feeling one can take away from Pink Panther 2 is disappointment. Disappointment over the fact that we know Steve Martin used to be funny and he just isn't anymore. And disappointment that The Pink Panther used to be entertaining before it became entwined with Steve Martin. 

Movie Review Pineapple Express

Pineapple Express (2008) 

Directed by David Gordon Green 

Written by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg 

Starring Seth Rogen, James Franco, Gary Cole, Rosie Perez, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson, Bill Hader

Release Date August 6th, 2008 

Published August 5th, 2008

Pineapple Express is arguably the Citizen Kane of stoner movies. In this tiny comedic sub-genre there is little competition to overcome, nevertheless this witty, oddly violent pot comedy squeezes more laughs out of its stoner heroes than 2 Harold and Kumar movies combined. That is likely because of the behind the scenes all star team involved.

The guys behind Superbad and Knocked Up, writer, actor Seth Rogen, his writing partner Evan Goldberg and producer Judd Apatow combine their talent for stoners with a heart of gold with the tremendous directorial skill of indie veteran David Gordon Green to create a stoner comedy that, at the very least, is better than any of the stoner comedies to come before it.

Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) is a pot smoking, talk radio loving, process server who spends his time in costume delivering subpoenas for a living while really living for his next hit. Dale's dealer is Saul (James Franco) a sweet, good natured drug dealer who thinks Dale is his friend when in reality, they wouldn't know each other if Saul didn't sell pot.

Saul has just come into possession of some new weed called Pineapple Express. It is supposed to be grown in such a unique way that it actually gets you higher than any other pot in existence. Saul sells some to Dale who is unfortunately smoking it in front of the home of another drug dealer, Ted Jones (Gary Cole), when he witnesses the dealer kill a man.

Leaving behind his rare weed, Dale is convinced that the joint can be used to find Saul and if they find Saul, that would lead to finding him. And he's right. Ted and a corrupt police officer, played by Rosie Perez, identify the weed and go after Saul who goes on the run with Dale and well, a whole lot of stuff happens and a whole lot of stuff gets smoked.

Pineapple Express is the rare comedy that zigs when you think it will zag. Unpredictability is the film's hallmark as instead of just bumbling through a series of gags, director David Gordon Green goes for edgy comedic violence and often leaves your jaw dropped with it. Some of the violence is painfully funny, some of it is shocking but all of it serves the purposes of the plot that propels from one entertaining scene to the next.

Seth Rogen and James Franco make for a terrific comic team. Exhibiting the kind of male bonded performance that is now the hallmark of the Apatow brand of comedy, Pineapple Express has given rise to the term Bromance to describe the extraordinarily close yet platonic bond between two male best friends. Rogen and Franco do everything short of make out to demonstrate how much they care about each other and the more they push the line, the funnier it gets.

Pineapple Express doesn't reach the comedic highs of Superbad or Knocked Up but as stoner comedies go, it doesn't get much better than this. Terrifically funny, surprising and shockingly violent, Pineapple Express never goes where you expect it to. Rogen, Apatow and now David Gordon Green are at the forefront of modern comedy and now with Pineapple Express they can continue to write their own ticket in Hollywood.

Write it, roll it up and smoke it, if they want to.

Movie Review Pet Cemetery

Pet Cemetery (2019)

Directed by Kevin Kolsch, Dennis Widmyer 

Written by Jeff Buhler

Starring Jason Clarke, John Lithgow, Amy Siemetz 

Release Date April 15th, 2019

Published April 14th, 2019

Jason Clarke, what happened man? I thought we were cool. I loved your work in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes but since then, you just keep letting me down. Winchester? Chappaquiddick? Serenity? Everest? The worst Terminator movie? What’s up man? What are you doing? You’re better than this. It’s clear your agent is a demon from the lower realms. Otherwise, I cannot explain the repeated terrible decisions that have culminated in Pet Cemetery. (Yes, I know the movie misspells ‘Cemetery’ with intent and I don’t care.)

Pet Cemetery is an adaptation of a rather weak Stephen King story about, wait for it, you won’t believe it when I tell you, a family in Maine. I know, right? A Stephen King movie in Maine, that almost always happens in his stories. This family is made up of Louis (Clarke), a doctor, his stay at home wife and mother of his children, Rachel (Amy Siemetz), daughter Ellie (Jete Lawrence) and a 2 year old son, Gage (Hugo Lavoie).

This particular family in Maine has made the mistake of hiring the most sadistic realtor in history. How else to explain selling the family a cottage so close to a busy, semi-truck heavy, highway that it's a hazard to be standing near, let alone attempting to cross. And in the backyard? Oh just a gate that leads to the realm of the dead and a creepy pet cemetery where local kids go to bury their pets while inexplicably wearing the kinds of Halloween masks that would give themselves nightmares for days. Seriously, are these kids supposed to be in a cult? No kid does this and isn't desperately mentally ill.

So, the death highway on one side and the gate between the living and the dead on the other: let’s watch what happens next. John Lithgow, so far beneath his dignity and talent he appears to be attempting to cry for help using the crinkling wrinkles of his bad makeup job as some kind of funky visual code. Lithgow is the idiot who informs his new neighbor about the hell’s gate behind his home after hearing that Ellie’s cat, Church, has been hit on the death highway.

He does this despite being fully aware of the curse on the hell’s gate. He had a dog as a kid and discovered the terrible power of the woods to bring back the dead in physical form but not in a recognizably happy or emotionally well adjusted form. They don’t come back the same and that’s certainly the case with the once cuddly Church, who returns in a deeply dyspeptic mood. He’s mean and has claws at the ready for everyone in the family.

Despite this glaring evidence of awfulness, Louis the utter dimwit, chooses not to put Church back into the actual realm of the dead with a humane syringe full of sleepy juice. Nope, he lets the cat go in the woods only to see it return and start the third act. I won’t spoil anything here, there are variations from both the book and the 1989 version of Pet Cemetery that I will allow misguided souls who wish to suffer this movie to discover for themselves.

I will say that not a single thing about the third act is nearly as scary as this overly insistent score claims it is. The twists and turns of the third act of Pet Cemetery are a procession of mediocre jump scares, poor decision making at the necessity of an idiot plot and unexplained weirdness. Mom has a plot in the movie that makes so little sense in the movie that I want to write a sonnet on just how ill-considered this subplot is. It’s really a wonder to watch the filmmakers introduce this plot and bail on giving it any kind of rationale.

If there is one thing in Pet Cemetery that is remotely effective, it’s the one thing that is all about me and nothing to do with how the movie works. I have a traumatic fear of seeing an Achilles Tendon sliced. It’s a fear that is entirely irrational and all my own. It started in childhood, perhaps with the original Pet Cemetery, and it has been an all consuming, gut-wrenching, personal nightmare ever since. I give the filmmakers here zero credit for tapping that particular well in my mind. They gave away this particular scare in the trailer which gave me ample time to leave the theater until the moment passed.

Pet Cemetery is a terrible, borderline unwatchable mediocrity. Honestly, I wish Pet Cemetery were a more conventionally bad movie. Instead, Pet Cemetery is bad in the least interesting ways. The acting is boring, the scares are bland, the direction is uninteresting. It’s all got an air of professional polish but nothing stands out as being very good. It’s bad but not in a bold or original way, it doesn’t take any chances.

I hate a number of movies for a number of reasons but I respect bad movies that take big old swings and misses. That’s interesting, being way off the mark, really missing the boat takes vision and care. The Room is that kind of movie. A visionary bad movie with a singular perspective that happens to be the exact wrong singular perspective. To a lesser extent, Suicide Squad is an example of interesting bad. They had a terrible idea how to make that movie and they stuck to their guns and failed in a spectacular fashion that I can’t help but respect a little.

No one who made Pet Cemetery appears to care about what they are doing. There is a distinct workman-like approach to Pet Cemetery, as if everyone were working hard toward building something they had no personal investment in. They could all be building different parts of a couch to be assembled and delivered as much care and personal involvement. It would be a sturdy couch but lumpy and ill-suited to all other decor.

That’s a wordy, snarky, jerky, way of saying Pet Cemetery is bad and don’t waste your money on it. As for Jason Clarke, whom I addressed at the start of this review: come back to us man. It’s not too late. I still think you can act. I still see that awesome performance in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes somewhere behind those mostly dead eyes. It’s not too late man, you can pull out the skid. I see you’re moving to television, that’s a really good first step.

Movie Review Percy Jackson and the Olympians

Percy Jackson and the Olympians The Lightning Thief (2010) 

Directed by Chris Columbus

Written by Craig Titley 

Starring Logan Lerman, Brandon T. Jackson, Alexandra Daddario, Sean Bean, Pierce Brosnan, Steve Coogan, Rosario Dawson, Catherine Keener, Uma Thurman 

Release Date February 12th, 2010

Published February 11th, 2010 

All Percy Jackson needs is a little forehead scar to complete the shadow of Harry Potter that lurks all throughout this unexceptional effort to craft another teen appeal sequel machine. Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, based on a popular series of novels from an author achingly jealous of the millions raked in by J.K Rowling, even goes so far as to hire former Potter director Chris Columbus just to make sure you don't miss the connection.

Logan Lerman is the titular Percy Jackson, a gap model good looking kid rendered a nerd for the purpose of making him relatable. As we join the story Percy and his pal Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) are sitting by the pool waiting for the plot to kick in. When it finally does, Percy finds out that he is a demi-god, the long abandoned son of the god Poseidon (Kevin McKidd from TV's Grey's Anatomy).

This is revealed to Percy after one of his teacher’s morphs into a bat-winged demon and tries to kill him for stealing Zeus's lightning bolt. Zeus is played by that master of stern blandness Sean Bean (Lord of the Rings). Zeus's bolt is the most powerful force in the universe and somehow he has allowed it to be stolen by a kid who can hardly pass a 10th grade lit class. This does not speak well of the Gods.

The embarrassment and anger is likely to lead to a war of the gods unless Percy, Grover and Percy's assigned love interest, fellow demi-god Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario), can find the bolt and the thief and return them to Mt. Olympus which for tourism purposes is located in the Empire State Building.

At least J.K Rowling had the inventiveness to create her own world from scratch in Harry Potter, Percy Jackson rips the work of hundreds of years for its remarkably dull characters. Drawing on centuries of stories about the gods and their offspring, the story of Percy Jackson as adapted by Craig Titley from Rick Riordan's unexceptional book series, manages to be dull about characters with unlimited powers and astonishing back stories.

Then again, this is only the introduction. Percy Jackson is set to be a film series and thus all that is required here is a primer on Percy and the other lead characters including the aforementioned gods, best friend, love interest and Pierce Brosnan as, arguably, the most dignified half-man half horse in film history.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on Percy Jackson, the Olympians and the lightning thief. It is, like so many modern studio features, merely a sequel machine meant to pump out just enough plot for us to come back next time. Why should anyone really ask anymore from a film with such a limited goal?

Sure, J.K Rowling and her film partners have taken her work and enhanced and enriched it on screen with each subsequent film to the point where the film work is as grand as or even grander than it is on the page. But why should every movie have to have such aspiration, especially when modern audiences don't seem to require that much hard work.

Ah, Percy; for a compromised rip-off teen friendly franchise you're not so bad.

Movie Review Penguins of Madagascar

Penguins of Madagascar (2016) 

Directed by Eric Darnell, Simon J. Smith

Written by Michael Colton, John Aboud 

Starring Tom McGrath, Chris Miller, Christopher Knights, Benedict Cumberbatch, Ken Jeong, John Malkovich

Release Date November 26th, 2016

Published November 27th, 2016

What is the point of reviewing "Penguins of Madagascar?" I know this movie was not made with my particular sensibilities in mind. I could say it's my job to appraise ``Penguins of Madagascar '' and other such films but you know that already and it doesn't really justify the point either; unless you're as deeply concerned about my work obligations as I am. 

So, why do I write about "Penguins of Madagascar?" I don't know, why don't I write something and see if I arrive at a point. That could be fun, or funny or a complete waste of both of our time. 

Skipper, Rico, Kowalski and Private are side characters generated for the series of "Madagascar" cartoons that justified their existence by giving big stars like Ben Stiller and Chris Rock major paychecks that they otherwise might not have gotten. The Penguins then proven to be so winning with audiences that they were spun off for their own TV series on Nickelodeon. I have never seen, nor do I have any knowledge of the cartoon series beyond the fact of its existence. I can assume that because it exists, the Penguins must be popular. 

"Penguins of Madagascar" serves as an origin story for how our four flippered heroes came together and became super secret government agents of some sort. First, we see them as children rescuing the egg that would become Private, the cute one. This will be Private's journey even more than the rest as he attempts to rise from being 'the cute one' to being a valued member of the team, Skipper's favored phrase for praising Rico and Kowalski. 

Private gets his chance to improve his status when the foursome is kidnapped by Dave the Octopus (John Malkovich), a revenge seeking former zoo-mate from the Bronx zoo. Seems everywhere Dave went he briefly became a star before the Penguins showed up, upstaged him with their cuteness, and left him to rot in under-filled tanks with zero adoring fans. Now, Dave wants revenge, not just on our heroes but all Penguins everywhere. 

Attempting to thwart Dave is "North Wind" a super-secret spy organization headed up by Agent Classified (Benedict Cumberbatch) and his team of wild animal heroes that includes the voices of Ken Jeong, Annette Mahendru and Peter Stormare. You will have to see the movie to get the joke about the name Agent Classified, it's a runner and it's kind of amusing. 

I've painted all of the pictures of the plot that are necessary so where do I go from here? How about.... Is "Penguins of Madagascar '' funny? Yeah, kind of. I realize that's not a great answer but this isn't a great movie either. The jokes are groaning familiar from other modern referential and self-aware animated movies. There isn't a great deal to the modest joy of "Penguins of Madagascar '' that you couldn't get from a 500th viewing of "Despicable Me" or any of the "Madagascar '' movies. 

In fact, the more I think of it, the less reason there is for "Penguins of Madagascar '' to exist at all. The animation isn't too far off from a random video game. The humor is derivative, the characters fun and cute but nothing much about them is memorable beyond one of them having the lovingly English tones of Benedict Cumberbatch. The lead performers are all unknown voice actors who are fine to listen to but don't leave much of an impression. 

Ahh, but you ask: Will my kids like it? Probably? It depends how discerning your child is. If you have a kid with some flair and taste he or she will likely squirm through the movie in hopes of getting on to something more worthy of their attention. If you have a kid who just likes pretty colors, loud noise and animals that talk,. then yes, yes that child will likely enjoy, consume and forget "Penguins of Madagascar" in short order. 

So, have I justified writing about "Penguins of Madagascar?"

Movie Review Penelope

Penelope (2008) 

Directed by Mark Palansky 

Written by Leslie Caveny

Starring Christina Ricci, James McAvoy, Catherine O'Hara, Peter Dinklage, Richard E. Grant, Reese Witherspoon

Release Date February 29th, 2008

Published June 25th, 2008

The Wilhern family has been cursed for generations ever since a great uncle impregnated and abandoned a commoner who subsequently killed herself. That girl's mother happened to be a local witch who placed a curse on the family. It would be visited on the first daughter born to a Wilhern woman. She would be born with the features of a pig.

Decades and generations passed with the lucky births of only male children until Penelope was born. Born to Catherine and Franklin Wilhern in 1970's London, Penelope immediately became an urban legend and journalists crawled through the walls in attempts to get a photo of the pig girl.

One of those reporters was Lemon (Peter Dinklage) who lost an eye to Catherine when he leapt from a kitchen bread basket attempting to get Penelope's photo. The family was forced to fake Penelope's death in order to give her a peaceful upbringing. Now, with word that the curse could be lifted if someone of similar lineage were to fall in love with Penelope, the girl with the pig nose is eager for love and marriage.

With the help of a matchmaker, Wanda (Ronnie Ancona), Penelope and her mother have vetted almost every blue blood in the country including a venal shipping heir, Edward Vanderman (Simon Woods) who was so frightened by her features that he leapt through a window. He was the first of her many suitors to escape without signing a confidentiality agreement. He immediately went to the police who threw him in jail for a night.

Eventually, Vanderman ends up with Lemon and the two conspire to expose Penelope. They hire a down and out member of the extended royal family, Max (James McAvoy) to seduce and photograph Penelope. The plan goes awry when Max actually falls for Penelope sight unseen and decides it best to leave her alone. Heartbroken, Penelope runs away from home and finds a whole new life. There is a good deal more to the story but I will leave to seee the movie yourself to find out. 

First time helmer Mark Palansky has a talent for good natured whimsy. With a top notch cast he creates a group of pleasant characters who are easy to like and root for. Christina Ricci is particularly winning in the lead role while Reese Witherspoon shines in her brief role as Penelope's first real friend. Ricci has a remarkable talent for playing lovable oddballs or dyspeptic, disaffected ingenues and her vast range is great help to Penelope.

That said, the whimsy of Penelope belies an all too light approach in the end. Yes, the movie is a modern fairy tale but even fairy tales have a lesson to impart or something that makes them memorable beyond being good natured. Penelope is so gentle and pleasant that it becomes cloying. The light hearted sweetness overflows what little good there is in Penelope. It's a shame because Christina Ricci could have done much more with this role if the film had been more ambitious. 

Movie Review Paul Blart Mall Cop

Paul Blart Mall Cop (2009) 

Directed by Steve Carr 

Written by Kevin James, Nick Bakay

Starring Kevin James, Jayma Mayes, Raini Rodriguez 

Release Date January 16th, 2009 

Published January 15th, 2009 

Similar to my recent review of My Bloody Valentine 3D, I love surprises. I never imagined a movie about a doughy mall cop would be anything other than a waste of time. Once again, I am happy to be proven wrong. Paul Blart Mall Cop is a goofball movie but it's one terrific goof.

Kevin James stars as the titular Mall Cop. Paul is a guy who has failed in his attempt to become a New Jersey State Trooper 7 times. Paul is hypoglycemic and when he doesn't get enough sugar he passes out cold. This condition has doomed Paul to nearly a decade as a mall security guard.

Good natured Paul takes his role very seriously, tracking mall traffic patterns, pulling over oldsters on scooters for reckless riding, and training new guards how to pretend they have a weapon. Despite his dedication and obvious sweetness, Paul is continuously taken advantage of and humiliated by shoppers and co-workers alike.

Nevertheless, with the help of a little Barry Manilow and a touch of Survivor, Paul always bounces back. Thus, when his mall is attacked by thieves with an overly elaborate and odd scheme, Paul becomes just the man to thwart them. Complicating matters are the hostages who include Paul's 12 year old daughter Maya (Raini Rodriguez) and the girl Paul has been crushing on for weeks, Amy (Jayma Mays).

Paul Blart Mall Cop was directed by Steve Carr, not a director known for skilled comic timing. His credits include the abysmal Eddie Murphy kiddie flick Daddy Day Care. Thankfully, the script was co-written by star Kevin James and comedian Nick Bakay who play off James's innate likability to sell a goofball PG action movie plot.

Early on, James and Bakay overdo Paul's many humiliations but once they get into the mall on black friday, things pick up and the Kevin James rolli polli charm offensive begins. Battling bad guys with guns, James is like a big tough teddy bear. He wins you over with his sweetness and then when he starts kicking butt you can barely hold back from cheering aloud.

I want to note that this film was produced by Adam Sandler who I feel has tried to make this movie before for himself and for others like Rob Schneider. Loud, violent with an ironic soundtrack and a bit with a dog. But, Sandler can't do it without delving into the dark side of his psyche where his taste for disgusting, bodily function humor and angry recrimination.

Where Sandler scores cheap points with his confident anger and bathroom humor, James is much smarter and more subtle. James does a Sandler movie without ever really indulging any Sandler-isms. No bathroom humor, just a sweet guy in a desperate situation whose reactions to this outlandish situation are where the jokes come from.

In the end, Kevin James is such a skilled and committed physical comic and such a winning personality that you can't help but laugh repeatedly with him and come to love the guy. Paul Blart Mall Cop is just pure fun.