Online Archive of Film Critic Sean Patrick
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Movie Review My Bloody Valentine
My Bloody Valentine (1981)
Directed by George Mihalka
Written by John Beaird
Starring Neil Affleck, Paul Kelman, Laurie Hallier, Don Francis, Cynthia Dale
Release Date February 11th, 1981
Published February 14th, 2023
My Bloody Valentine 1981 is a low budget horror success story. The film was made for about 5 bucks and a 6 pack of beer, and it went on to become a beloved cult classic. Does that make it a good movie? Not really, but, from a business standpoint, it's undeniably successful. Year after year, on Valentine's Day, My Bloody Valentine grabs a sizable chunk of the streaming market and makes this little horror movie that could into one of the greatest low budget success stories of the 1980s. Again, that doesn't make it an actual good movie, but it is impressive.
In the town of Valentine Bluff, somewhere in Cananda, a mine accident killed left four men dead and one man, Harry Warden, alive after he resorted to murdering his fellow miners and eating their flesh to survive. Harry winds up in a coma until a year later when he wakes up and murders the men responsible for the accident. As we join the story, we are 20 years removed from Harry Warden's rampage. It's established that this is the first Valentine's Day celebration since the murders 20 years ago.
Valentine's Day was outlawed in the town because the men who were responsible for the mining accident, the men subsequently murdered by Harry Warden, caused the accident by leaving the mine to attend the town Valentine's Day Dance. Now, the next generation of miners in Valentine Bluff have petitioned to bring back the celebration. This sets off Harry Warden who returns having been triggered by the celebration of Valentine's Day. Warden is supposed to have been locked away in a mental institution but now, the sheriff can't confirm if he's alive or dead.
Meanwhile, in a romantic subplot, a rivalry has arisen between T.J (Paul Kelman) and Axel (Neil Affleck). T.J is the son of the mine owner and has recently returned to town to work at the mine. T.J's ex, Sarah (Lori Hallier), has moved on with Axel and T.J is quite jealous. This rivalry will come to a head when the miners are told that their Valentine's celebration has been canceled by the mayor (Larry Reynolds), and the Sheriff (Don Francks). They've discovered a pair of bodies, possibly the work of Harry Warden and they are moving to cancel Valentine's Day as quickly as possible.
Thus, the miners have invited themselves to a trap when they move their Valentine's Day celebration to the mine shaft. There they will line up to be Harry's next victims by enacting classic slasher movie tropes such as trying to have sex or going places they aren't supposed to go and running the wrong direction to escape the killer. The question then becomes, is this really Harry Warden or is this a copycat with a completely different motive?
That should be the question. The reality, however, is that My Bloody Valentine is far too lazy to concern itself with details that make sense. Instead, director George Mihalka settles for revealing the killer's origins in the final minutes of the movie, as a twist. It renders much of the rest of the movie rather dubious and superfluous. None of the characters introduced really matter to the plot, they suddenly exist as cannon fodder as we find out who the killer is.
Find my full length review at Horror.Media
Movie Review: Your Place or Mine
Your Place or Mine (2023)
Directed by Aline Brosh McKenna
Written by Aline Brosh McKenna
Starring Reese Witherspoon, Ashton Kutcher, Jesse Williams, Zoe Chao, Tig Notaro
Release Date February 10th, 2023
Published February 13th, 2023
The slapdash, clumsy and derivative new romantic comedy, Your Place or Mine still manages to have moments of grace and genuine romance. It's a shame the movie is so dedicated to playing the rom-com greatest hits that it cannot fully take advantage of the few good moments. No, sadly, the latest effort from the generally quite good writer-director Aline Brosh McKenna is by far her most mundane, by the numbers effort. Despite a pair leads with decent chemistry, Reese Witherspoon and Ashton Kutcher, Your Place or Mine falls well short of rom-com greatness.
In Your Place or Mine Reese Witherspoon is Debbie and Ashton Kutcher is Peter. We meet them on the first night they hooked up, 20 years ago, following a game of poker. Shortly after that, Peter told Debbie that they should not be together as he's bad at being in relationships. Somehow, they remained not just friends but best friends and went on with their lives. Each gave up their dreams, her to be a book editor and him to be an author, and found vague levels of success in other endeavors. She's an accountant for her son's school and he's a movie conception of a consultant, the nebulously defined but wealthy kind of fallback character job that hack screenwriters assign so as not to have to spend time on backstory.
A clumsy opening series of scenes sets in stone the very obvious arc of this already quite obvious romance. Debbie needs to loosen up and have some fun, Peter needs to learn how to be responsible to others and become selfless. Commence the deus ex machina. The brilliant Rachel Bloom drops in from a completely different movie and sets the plot in motion by not being able to watch Debbie's son, Jack (Wesley Kimmel), while Debbie was set to go to New York to see Peter and take a course to advance her accounting career.
Knowing that his friend is counting on this class in New York, Peter decides to get on a plane and go to L.A and watch Jack while Debbie stays at his place in New York. While in New York, Debbie befriends the best character in Your Place or Mine, Peter's ex-hook up, Minka, played by Zoe Chao. To say that Chao steal the movie is an understatement. She's the character with the most personality, the most organic growth, and all of the best jokes in the movie. She befriends Debbie as a sort of mini-deus ex machina as it is her job within her subplot to get Debbie to find Peter's book and give it to a sexy book editor, played by Jesse Williams.
Williams is obvious roadblock between Debbie and Peter's happily ever after. He offers her an alternative romance with someone she is more obviously compatible with. But, we already know where this is headed and the movie doesn't give Williams much to play to turn his role into anything more than a speed bump on the way to the obvious conclusion. It's incredibly disappointing to watch these terrifically talented people acting out a script that is the bare minimum of effort and confounding why someone as talented as Aline Brosh McKenna fell back on so much lazy screenwriting.
Find my full length review at Geeks.Media
Movie Review Project Wolf Hunting
Project Wolf Hunting (2023)
Directed by Hongsun Kim
Written by Hongsun Kim
Starring Seo In-Guk, Dong Yoon Jang, Jung So Min
Release Date February 14th, 2023
Published February 9th, 2023
Deep within the bowels of a freighter steaming from the Philippines, traveling to Busan, lies a secret that most of the men on board are not aware of. The freight ship is carrying a group of criminals that had escaped to the Philippines back to face justice in South Korea. The secret cargo in the basement appears to be a living corpse. He's being seen to by a doctor and there are indications that he is somehow, miraculously alive, though how that's possible is a deep, dark secret.
The living corpse is clearly very dangerous. He's being held down flat in a metal cage structure. He's heavily sedated and constantly under guard. This being a movie however, we know that this monster will not remain locked up for long. Then there are the inmates, a dangerous lot of murderers, rapists, and assorted scoundrels. They know their fate back in South Korea and at least one of them, with a lengthy rap sheet, is determined not to see Busan any time soon.
Aiding the malevolent inmates are a group of gang members posing as boat staff. They've managed to smuggle guns, drugs, and money on to the boat with the intent of hijacking the boat and directing it wherever their captured leader wants to go. Standing in their way is a strangely calm, fearless, and stalwart fellow inmate. This man carries a secret that is loosely related to the caged zombie monster in the lower decks and the shady pharmaceutical company that has had a hand in arranging this boat trip.
That's a lot of plot and there are several notable characters but that is not what Project Wolf Hunting is all about. Instead, the monster man in the lower decks is at the heart of the movie. His escape and ensuing, bloody, gory, violent rampage takes up most of the action of the movie. This is a terrifying monster, part Frankenstein's Monster, part zombie and seemingly unstoppable, one of his first acts is to punch an inmates jaw right off of his face in explicit fashion.
Once this unstoppable monster is loose, Project Wolf Hunting is a very different movie. The conspiracy plot, involving the pharmaceutical company is still playing out, but that's very much not the point. Rather, the movie changes to become a series of ever escalating violence and gore. The monster unceasingly pursues anyone he can get his hands on, brutally crushes their bones as their blood sprays uncannily in all directions.
Director Hongsun Kim doesn't make much time for characters or stories to be told. Rather, he's more interested in his special effects, especially blood spatter. If watching the ways Kim can spray blood on walls, on other people, on various boat components, is of interest to you, you will love Project Wolf Hunting. I must say, it worked for me. The shift from a rather mundane narrative to the absolute nuttiness of a gorefest was kind of a fun twist.
Find my full length review at Horror.Media
Movie Review Condor's Nest
Movie Review: Elizabethtown (Original Review)
Elizabethtown (2005)
Directed by Cameron Crowe
Written by Cameron Crowe
Starring Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst, Judy Greer, Susan Sarandon, Paul Schneider
Release Date October 14th, 2005
Published October 13th, 2005
For me, a new Cameron Crowe film is like the release of Lord Of The Rings. I will line up days in advance, I will play the soundtracks of his previous films at obscene volumes and I will pore over the texts of the script as if they held the answer to life itself. Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous, Say Anything and Singles are not just any other movies. To me they are masterpieces.
So I have been anticipating the release of Elizabethtown ever since the final credits on Vanilla Sky rolled off the screen in 2001. To say I am a little disappointed in Elizabethtown is one of the hardest things I have ever written. By the standards of an average movie Elizabethtown is great. By the standards of Cameron Crowe, however, Elizabethtown is a step backwards.
Orlando Bloom plays Drew Baylor, who looks like a man on his way to his own execution. Drew is a shoe designer for a Nike-esque company in Oregon and his first creation, a shoe called 'Spasmodica', has just failed so spectacularly that the company stands to lose nearly a billion dollars on it's recall. As Drew's boss (Alec Baldwin in a minor cameo) explains, the shoe was so poorly received by the public that one industry observer was quoted as saying the shoe could cause millions of people to return to bare feet.
Fired from the only job he has ever known, Drew returns home with dark intentions. He plans to kill himself and begins fashioning a very unique suicide device involving a kitchen knife and some workout equipment. It must be seen to be believed. Drew's attempt is foiled by his cell phone's unending musical ring which he cannot resist answering.
The call is from his younger sister Heather (Judy Greer). Their father has died. On a trip back to his hometown, the tiny Kentucky hamlet Elizabethtown, Dad had a heart attack. At his mother Hollie's (Susan Surandon) request Drew must go to Elizabethtown and retrieve the body for cremation in Oregon and represent the family in whatever tribute the Elizabethtown Baylor's have planned. The two sides of the family have rarely had contact.
On his flight from Oregon to Kentucky Drew meets Claire, a chirpy stewardess who takes a special interest in making sure he knows where he is going. Claire is obviously attracted to Drew despite, or maybe because, of his morose attitude. She gives him directions to get to Elizabethtown and her phone number in case he gets lost and it seemingly could have ended right there.
When Drew finally arrives in Elizabethtown the culture shock and his newfound family are so overwhelming that he needs to talk to someone and Claire is his choice. The two talk an entire night and get together to watch the sun come up. They agree to be friends but it's clear both are fighting fate. They are meant for each other.
That is the very bare bones of Cameron Crowe's Elizabethtown, yet another very personal and deeply felt story for Crowe but also one he can't quite get a handle on. There are three important plots in Elizabethtown. First is Drew's failure at work. Second, the family drama including his father's death and meeting his extended family. And third is his romance with Claire. To make this movie work Crowe needed to coalesce each of these three plots into one story. Unfortunately it just never happens.
I enjoyed both lead performances by Bloom and Dunst but the relationship is so far unrelated from the family drama and Drew's work drama that it feels almost like a separate movie. Dunst delivers a character that is very unique. Some might say that she is more fantasy than anything, but I believed that this character would do the things she does. She is quirky and forgiving and troubled in her own ways. It's a complex part that has great potential but there are scenes missing, important scenes and dialogue that might better have integrated her into the rest of the story.
Bloom's performance is complicated for different reasons. He was not the first choice for the role. Initially Ashton Kutcher was cast as Drew. Bloom was the better choice of the two but because Cameron Crowe's male protagonists are so well remembered Bloom is competing with the ghosts of the past and he pales in comparison to the likes of Tom Cruise, John Cusack, Campbell Scott and even young Patrick Fugit from Almost Famous.
Cameron Crowe does not do Bloom any favors in his scripting or direction. Much of Elizabethtown plays like Cameron Crowe's greatest hits. Dunst's character is a mixture of Renee Zellweger's needy but lovable single mom in Jerry Magure and Kate Hudson's ethereal groupie from Almost Famous. Drew's wacky extended family in Elizabethtown are older versions of the wacky neighbors from Singles or the inebriated party goers from Say Anything. And Drew himself carries the DNA of both Jerry Maguire and Lloyd Dobler.
Even the film score, once again lovingly crafted by Crowe's wife Nancy Wilson, feels as if it were lifted from Almost Famous. Check out the scene just after Susan Surandon's exceptional speech at the memorial. Drew and Claire meet in the hallway and the acoustic guitar score comes in just a little too loud. The scene is a poignant moment where Drew tries once again to explain that he and Claire cannot be together. The music in the scene is lovely but sounds almost identical to music used in a scene in Almost Famous where William tells Penny she has been sold out by the band and won't continue with the tour. This may be just the anal retentive Crowe fan in me coming out but it bothers me to hear Crowe simply repeat himself.
Thankfully, the same cannot be said of the film's pop soundtrack. Once again Cameron Crowe brings together an eclectic mix of classic hits and forgotten or overlooked favorites that compliment the story and occasionally comment on it. In the film's climactic scenes in which Drew drives his fathers ashes cross country back to his home in Oregon he is accompanied by an amazing soundtrack that Claire made for him as a sort of musical map of America. The reasoning is contrived but the emotion these scenes and songs evoke are real and very moving. No director mixes pop music, storytelling, and imagery as effectively as Cameron Crowe.
Cameron Crowe movies are known for romance, smart characters, and great music. Elizabethtown overflows with each of those elements but, unfortunately, Crowe cannot corral them all into one story. Each of the individual characters from Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst in the leads to Susan Surandon, Paul Schneider and Loudon Wainwright in supporting roles are all interesting characters but they are all parts of different movies. Bloom shares scenes with each of them and yet seemingly never at the same time.
The romance of Elizabethtown works in individual scenes such as Drew and Claire's all night phone session and the first night they make love and the aftermath the following morning. You definitely root for them to be together. But the movie is as much about this romance as it is about Drew's family, which is in a whole other film.
The family drama is a strong plot. Susan Surandon is exceptional in her one big scene at the memorial in which she does standup comedy, tap dances and reconnects with her extended family by opening up about how much she and they all loved her husband. Crowe does an excellent job of establishing the late Mitch Baylor as another member of the cast. Lovely sepia toned flashbacks of Drew with his father, perfectly aged photos and even the actor laying in the coffin with just the slightest hint of a smile that Drew dubs whimsical all serve to help the audience feel the loss.
The extended family and friends are an interesting collection. I really enjoyed Paul Schneider as Drew's cousin, a failed rock star with an out of control son and a difficult relationship with his father played by Loudon Wainwright. There was some lovingly detailed work in crafting Schneider and Wainwright's characters that are hinted at but the film does not have time to get too into that.
The film would work better if Claire had been as much a part of the family drama in Elizabethtown as she is the romance plot. Crowe never connects her to the family drama, which could have been done simply by making her a family friend from Elizabethtown and not some random stewardess. Put Claire in Elizabethtown, connect her to the family and maybe you can connect the two separate stories. Because she is outside of it the movie is disjointed and it never comes together.
For me, writing even a slightly negative review of a Cameron Crowe movie is torture, but it's undeniable. Aside from the awesome soundtrack, Elton John's "My Father's Gun" is my new favorite song by the way, Elizabethtown only works as a sketch of a good Cameron Crowe movie. A number of good scenes and good characters great music but not a great movie. Fans of Cameron Crowe will find a lot of specific things to love in Elizabethtown: scenes, characters, music. I would recommend it for them with the warning that they may be disappointed by the film as a whole.
Movie Review Irreversible
Irreversible (2002)
Directed Gaspar Noe
Written by Gaspar Noe
Starring Monica Bellucci, Vincent Cassell
Release Date May 22nd, 2002
Published February 7th, 2023.
Irreversible begins with the end credits moving backwards and immediately sets you into the disorientation you are going to experience as the story unfolds backwards. It's not just the credits moving backwards, or the words of the credits being inverted, it's Gaspar Noe's camera which moves not in the sense of being a fly on the wall but rather like a fly that never stops moving, looping, flying here and there up and down and upside down. It's legitimately headache inducing. It's intended to be.
This camera/fly will lead us back in time, back inside a nightclub called Rectum where a murder has just occurred. We've just seen to men removed from the club to an ambulance and accompanied by Police. We are about to learn why they are surrounded by cops as the two have them have just brutally beaten a man to death so violently that his head is basically gone. It's not just the camera though that is leaving us achy and disjointed, the soundtrack is a swirling vortex of sound rising and falling, loud and then quiet. It's a disquieting, swirling and painful hum.
I will give the soundtrack credit, as hard as it is to listen to, it causes the kind of tense anxiety that our main character, Vincent Cassell's Marcus, is feeling as he shoves his way through this sex club searching for the man who sexually assaulted and nearly murders Marcus' girlfriend, Alex (Monica Bellucci). Marcus is rage personified and the red lighting of the club seems to match the red-hot intensity of his burning, violent anger. Noe peppers the scene with scenes of hardcore gay sex that is nearly as disturbing as the violence that the scene is building to.
Sex and violence in the world of Gaspar Noe go hand in hand. A man who claims to know where Tenia, the man Marcus is looking for, can be found begs Marcus to Fist him in the ass, something that may in fact be pleasurable but carries with it a sense of something violent in the word fist, a part of the body far more often associated with punching, pounding or the breaking of facial bones. As the man points in the direction of someone who may be Tenia, more sexual violence is nearly enacted as Marcus finds himself in the position of being forcefully taken by this supposed Tenia.
That's when the murder occurs. Pierre (Albert Dupontel), Marcus's friend, and a man who also once loved Alex, steps in to rescue his friend. He does so by bashing the supposed Tenia with a fire extinguisher. Here, again, Noe's camera is as much an accomplice to the action as it is capturing the image. The movement of Noe's camera as Pierre proceeds to finish the job of bashing in this man's skull is stomach churning, nearly as much the sick, twisted, gross mess that is the man's face as Pierre's assault increases in violence.
What has led to this violence we will soon find. Again, Irreversible unfolds from the end to the beginning. We follow Marcus and Pierre through Marcus' single minded pursuit of Tenia, his intent is revenge and when we see what he is intending to avenge, we come to understand his feelings. Marcus' beloved, Alex (Monica Bellucci) is in a coma after having been sexually assaulted in a scene that has become infamous for its dedication to the true horror of rape.
I am going to use the word rape because that visceral description is more truthful. Calling this sexual assault is far too sanitary for what happens to Alex. Alex is raped. This man, Tenia, who we find is not the man that we've just seen Marcus and Pierre beat to death, is a vile, rotten, bit of scum. We see him first assaulting another woman in this underground tunnel. When Alex objects, Tenia turns to her and enacts a scene of gut wrenching, horrific sexual violence.
Whether you find this depiction of rape offensive or exploitative is purely subjective. I am not here to argue with you about that. If you are offended by this scene or find it to be exploitative of the crime of rape, I understand and respect your feelings. I can also identify with you in that, when I saw Irreversible following its controversial debut at the 2002 Cannes Film Festival, which made headlines for audiences walking out in droves during this scene, I also found the scene deeply offensive. I thought Gaspar Noe was a sick individual for committing such degradation to film.
20 plus years later, I've grown up a bit. I'm less of a hothead, less prone to a hot take. Watching Irreversible today, I found the scene horrifying but understandably so. Noe wants you, the audience, to confront fully what happened to Alex. The scene is unflinching and Noe's unmoving, unblinking camera, fully static for the first time in the film, on the ground at the same level as Belluci's Alex, forces us to identify with Alex, to feel her horror.
Noe has rightly pointed out that having the camera moving in this scene places you not in Alex's position but rather in the position of the man assaulting her. It changes the dynamic of the scene, it becomes more artificial and exploitative, as if the camera were searching for bits to show you that you could see if you were there looking around at what was happening. Holding the camera at floor level, keeping us fully in Alex's space, puts us fully at the mercy of the situation.
Find my full length essay at Geeks.Media.
Movie Review The Outwaters
The Outwaters (2023)
Directed by Robbie Banfitch
Written by Robbie Banfitch
Starring Robbie Banfitch, Angela Basolis, Scott Schamell
Release Date February 9th, 2023
Published February 8th, 2023
An opening series of cards tell us that a group of young people went missing on August 8th, 2017. We know this date because that was the date that one of these young people made a terrifying 911 call. Five years later, footage from memory cards found with a digital camera is found and that's what constitutes the entirety of The Outwaters, a found footage horror movie written and directed by and starring, Robbie Banfitch.
The Outwaters recalls shockers such as Cannibal Holocaust or Martyrs in its dedication to being stunning. It's truly a movie you cannot prepare yourself for. You think you are ready; you think you know how to handle grisly movies and then you watch The Outwaters and your faith in your experiences as a moviegoer are shaken. I'm someone who has watched and reviewed movies online and in podcast format for two decades. I've seen more than my share of shockers and The Outwaters still shook me.
I really don't know where to go with this review. The plot of the film is superfluous, intentionally so. It's a hanger, it's a prompt, a motivation used to plant four characters where they need to be in order to enact unimaginable horrors upon them. That's not a criticism, that's just the reality of what The Outwaters is. I find this film dreadfully effective even as I fully understand that there will be many who look at this film and can make no sense of it and dismiss it as exploitation or violent trash.
I understand where you are coming from if you come away from The Outwaters with that feeling. I was leaning that direction for much of the movie. I honestly couldn't make out much of the middle portion of the movie. There are flashes of light here and there, swaths of bright red blood spread across barren desert floor, and strange looking creates that crawl around the ground. That said, so much happens in the dark that I could not tell you if we are dealing with aliens, demons, or a drug crazed violent rampage.
The found footage aspect is not one that you should spend time lingering on as it raises too many unanswered questions. One that will plague the more logical filmgoers is who exactly was taking the time to change the memory card in the camera as all of the violent chaos is unfolding. Then again, you could ask of any found footage movie why people would keep a camera rolling while a horror movie plot is unfolding in their real life. Look, you're going to have to just go with it.
Find my full length review at Horror.Media
Classic Movie Review Semi Tough
Semi Tough (1977)
Directed by Michael Ritchie
Written by Walter Bernstein, Ring Lardner
Starring Burt Reynolds, Kris Kristofferson, Jill Clayburgh
Release Date November 18th, 1977
Published February 7th, 2023
The classic on the latest edition of the Everyone's a Critic Movie Review Podcast was inspired by the release of the sort-of Football movie 80 for Brady. 1977's Semi Tough from director Michael Ritchie is also a sort-of Football movie. The film features football, it's about football players but Football is very much not what interest's director Michael Ritchie. Rather, Football is a vague vehicle to be used to create a colorful setting for three colorful characters.
Semi Tough stars Burt Reynolds as Billy Clyde Puckett, a running back for the Miami Football team. It was 1977 and licensing actual football team names was not something that movie studios were particularly interested in doing. Billy Clyde is lucky to play alongside one of his two best friends, Wide Receiver Marvin 'Shake' Miller. Both Billy Clyde and Shake live with their other childhood best friend, Barbara Jane 'B.J' Bookman. She's also the daughter of the owner of the Miami Football team, played by Hollywood legend Robert 'The Music Man' Preston.
The plot, what plot there is of it, kicks in when B.J begins to have romantic feelings for Shake. This upends the friendly dynamic of the trio as Billy Clyde grows more and more jealous of his two friends. All the while, Miami is winning their way through the playoffs and on to the Super Bowl. And the movie could truly not care less about the football aspect. As I mentioned, Football is the culture in which these characters exist and Semi Tough is far more of a character piece than anything remotely like a sports movie.
The biggest element of Semi Tough is a lengthy riff on self-help movements. If you're under the age of 30 you likely aren't aware of this but, your parents and grandparents who came of age in the 1970s briefly became obsessed with kooky self-help movements. EST for instance, the EST Movement, was a seminar in which a former Encyclopedia salesman berated people for endless hours over several days until people had emotional breakthroughs. That those breakthroughs came through the sheer force of inertia from being trapped in a hotel conference room for days while a salesman called you names was something we're not supposed to call attention to.
In Semi Tough, EST becomes BEAT, a very direct riff on EST, right down to Bert Convy's sleazy guru opening the meetings by calling his new students A##holes. From there, he tells them that if they have a problem, it's entirely their fault, they choose to have these problems and can choose not to have these problems. This nonsense apparently worked on Shakes who came out of his visit to BEAT a complete convert, a true believer. It does not work on B.J who finds the whole experience exhausting. This leads to a conflict between Shakes and B.J that may end their marriage plans.
Find my full length review at Geeks.Media
Spoiler Alert: Consecration's Unholy Ending
Classic Movie Review: Loaded Weapon 1
Loaded Weapon 1 (1993)
Directed by Gene Quintano
Written by Gene Quintano, Don Holley
Starring Emilio Estevez, Samuel L. Jackson, Kathy Ireland, Whoopi Goldberg
Release Date February 5th, 1993
Published February 6th, 2023
On the new Everyone's a Critic Movie Review Podcast Spinoff, Everyone's a Critic 1993, myself and my co-hosts, Amy K, and M.J, watch movies that were released 30 years ago that week. One movie per week and the month of January 1993 was truly awful. It was a miserable time for movies. Leprechaun was mildly entertaining but certainly not great. Body of Evidence was downright traumatizing in how sleazy it was, and Hexed, starring Arye Gross, is among the worst movies Hollywood has produced in the last 30 years.
Thus far, the best movie we've watched is another of the worst of all time. Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice is one of the great hidden gems of the So-Bad-Its-Good pantheon. It's one of the best unintentionally funny movies I've ever had the pleasure of watching. But, the pleasure is tinged with it being a solely ironic appreciation. In the first month of the new podcast, we have not seen a single good movie. February changed things immediately.
On the first weekend of February, 1993, Hollywood managed to finally release a good movie. National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1 stars Emilio Estevez and Samuel L. Jackson in a Naked Gun style spoof of the Lethal Weapon movies. This might sound like a tired idea but the reality is that Loaded Weapon 1 is a hidden gem, an oasis of genuinely funny comedy in a sea of terrible movies of the early 1990s. Before the Scary Movie franchise ruined parody movies seemingly for the rest of time, Loaded Weapon 1 stuck to the basics of the spoof genre and created a forgotten classic.
The plot of Lethal Weapon 1 is brilliantly silly. William Shatner plays General Mortars, a former Army General turned drug kingpin. For reasons that are ingeniously silly, he needs a piece of micro-film to help him turn Cocaine into Girl Scout Cookies that he can distribute via a subsidiary of the Girl Scouts, headed up by Kathy Ireland as Miss Destiny Demeanor. Tim Curry co-stars as the General's right hand man and right away, from the introduction of Curry as Mr. Jigsaw, you get a sense of the wonderful silliness at play.
A girl scout gets out of a van and begins skipping towards the door of a suburban home. Just before knocking, she stubs out a cigarette. The home is a safe house where an ex-cop, played by Whoopi Goldberg is hiding out. When she finally opens here series of comical front doors and locks, we see Curry dressed as a Girl Scout and speaking with a thick, Middle-European accent. Deadpan, Goldberg invites him in so she can buy cookies and ends up dead. The back and forth in this scene is wonderfully silly and sets a terrific tone for the rest of Loaded Weapon 1.
From there we will unite our Riggs and Murtagh characters, Emilio Estevez as the haunted and suicidal detective with nothing to lose, Sgt. Jack Colt, and family man detective, on the day before his retirement, Sgt. Wes Luger. Luger also has a tragic backstory where he nearly killed his partner and has since been unable to shoot a gun without shaking uncontrollably, a bit that pays off multiple times in Loaded Weapon 1. Each gag is better than the last.
Find my full length review at Geeks.Media
Movie Review Consecration
Consecration (2023)
Directed by Christopher Smith
Written by Christopher Smith
Starring Jena Malone, Danny Huston, Janet Suzman
Release Date February 10th, 2023
Published February 6th, 2023
Consecration stars Jena Malone as Grace, a doctor living in America who is called to Scotland when her brother dies under unusual circumstances. Grace's brother, a Priest, is accused of having murdered another Priest before taking his own life. Naturally, Grace does not believe that her brother would have done such a thing or taken his own life. Thus, a mystery unfolds, who killed the Priest and who killed Grace's brother and portrayed it as a suicide?
Aiding or perhaps hindering Grace's search for the truth is Father Romero (Danny Huston). Father Romero claims to be at the convent where Grace's brother was found to re-consecrate the place and bring it back to God. He claims that he can't do that as long as lies are being told about the death of Grace's brother. So, he offers to help Grace find the truth. Meanwhile, Mother Superior (Janet Suzman) lingers in the back of many scenes looking menacing and admitting that she may have tainted the evidence surrounding the murder and Grace's brother's death.
Eventually we learn that members of the convent blame a demon for the death of both Priests. A Nun claims that a demon possessed Grace's brother, causing him to murder the other Priest and causing him to take his own life. Whether or not such a demon exists or if the death of Grace's brother was orchestrated by members of the convent is the mystery that drives Consecration as it proceeds through its horror movie story, one bubbling with religious imagery.
The conclusion of Consecration is frustrating and deeply unsatisfying. The whole thing turns on a Deus Ex Machina that is broad to downright silly. Essentially, one of our characters turns out to be able to be anywhere at anytime and has been orchestrating everything we have seen since the start of the movie. We learn this when we are taken back in time via flashback that shows us everything that the rest of the movie was incapable of implying.
Jena Malone usually makes better choices than this. Malone is wonderful at playing haunted characters with deep, dark, secrets and yet, Consecration makes her weepy and weak. It doesn't suit her. She ends the movie in a much different place than she began but it feels unearned. Malone is not the wilting flower type, she has a natural strength that she brings to most of her performances. Trying to tamp that down in Consecration via bad wig and weepy eyes simply doesn't work.
Find my full length review at Horror.Media
Movie Review Linoleium
Linoleum (2023)
Directed by Colin West
Written by Colin West
Starring Jim Gaffigan, Rhea Seahorn. Katelyn Nacon
Release Date February 24th, 2023
Published February 19th, 2023
Linoleum stars Jim Gaffigan as Cameron, a scientist and star of a failing children's television show. Cameron dreams of being an astronaut and as we join the story, he's sending in an application to NASA. And then a corvette falls out of the sky. Inside the car is what looks like a younger, slightly better-looking version of Cameron. Later, he relates the story to his family, including his soon-to-be ex-wife, Erin (Rhea Seahorn), and his loving if capricious daughter, Nora (Katelyn Nacon). Cameron also has a son but I am not even sure he's in the credits for the film, he exists to be indifferent to his father and the story in motion around him.
Cameron's basement man-cave is stocked with NASA memorabilia which we see as Cameron is sneaking off to sleep apart from his disapproving wife. The following day we learn that the man in the Corvette crash is a scientist and astronaut whose uncanny resemblance to Cameron is intended as a way of commenting on the shortcomings of his dreams. Where this similarly looking man has succeeded in all of Cameron's dreams, Cameron himself, is a failure. This notion culminates in this man, Kent Armstrong, taking Cameron's job as host of his children's show.
Running parallel to this odd story about Cameron and his doppelganger is that of Cameron's daughter, Nora (Katelyn Nacon). Nora is awkward and acerbic, unpopular at school but not really caring for popularity. Nora then meets Marc (Gabriel Rus), a new kid in school who happens to be the son of Cameron's doppelganger. Nora and Marc slowly build a romantic connection despite Nora saying she's gay more than once early in the film.
That sounds more problematic than it is as there is an explanation. That said, the explanation is bizarre and may leave some audience members deeply confused. The final act of Linoleum sees three parallel stories seemingly merge at different points in time. Characters begin to merge in terms of timelines and it all coalesces into a very interesting conclusion, though one that remains open to interpretation. I can understand audiences that are deeply put off by how Linoleum plays out.
Find my full length review at Geeks.Media
Classic Movie Review Untamed Heart
Movie Review Magic Mike's Last Dance
Magic Mike's Last Dance (2023)
Directed by Steven Soderbergh
Written by Reid Carolin
Starring Channing Tatum, Salma Hayek
Release Date February 10th, 2023
Published February 14th, 2023
Can I recommend a movie solely on the strength of the sexual chemistry between the two leads? It seems like a thin premise for recommending a movie. But, Channing Tatum and Salma Hayek are so incredible together, so insanely sexy together, I kind of want to recommend Magic Mike's Last Dance. Even as the plot seems like nonsense and the story feels cobbled together on the fly, the smoldering sexual chemistry of Channing Tatum and Salma Hayek is so fiery, it's kind of worth suffering the nonsense for.
Magic Mike's Last Dance returns Channing Tatum, and his washboard abs, to the role of Mike Lane, stripper turned furniture maker, turned bartender as we join this story. Mike's dream of making handmade furniture failed amid the pandemic and he has sustained himself as a bartender for hire at parties ever since. That's how Mike meets Maxandra (Salma Hayek). She's a bored, rich, soon to be divorced cougar who has hired Mike on the recommendation of one of her employees.
According to said employee, Mike can give Maxandra the kind of experience she's been craving, the kind of male attention she's desired since deciding to leave her husband. Indeed, Mike reluctantly agrees to her terms and provides such an experience. Showing off his insanely sexual lap dance skills, Mike sweeps Maxandra up in a lusty tornado of writhing flesh and she's hooked immediately. Though Mike doesn't want to be a kept man, he can't resist when Maxandra asks him to follow her to London, her primary home.
Find my full length review at Geeks.Media
Movie Review Batman Begins (2012)
Movie Review Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantumania
Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantumania
Directed by Peyton Reed
Written by Jeff Loveness
Starring Paul Rudd, Evangeline Lilly, Michelle Pfeiffer, Michael Douglas, Jonathan Majors
Release Date February 17th, 2023
Published February 15th, 2023
In the Quantum Realm Janet Van Dyne (Michelle Pfeiffer) believed she would live out her days alone and lost. Then, a spaceship crashed in front of her. Inside was a man with no name, though she would eventually know him as Kang (Jonathan Majors). For a time, Janet and this nameless man worked together to try and escape from the Quantum Realm. That partnership ended when Janet found out who Kang really was, an entity, a being, a God, known as Kang The Conqueror.
Kang once held a mastery over time. His God-like powers allowed him to travel the multiverse where he destroyed entire branch universes in order to consolidate his own power. Trapped in the Quantum Realm after Janet betrayed him, Kang built an empire and kept searching for a means to escape. That chance to escape comes after Janet has managed to escape, with the help of Scott Lang (Paul Rudd), aka Ant-Man. It takes a little time but when Cassie Lang built a machine that could map the Quantum Realm, it opened a portal that sucked in Cassie, her dad Scott, Janet, her husband, Hank Pym (Michael Douglas), and Janet's daughter, Hope Van Dyne (Evangeline Lilly), aka The Wasp.
Now trapped in the Quantum Realm and separated from each other, the family must find a way to reunite. All while being pursued by Kang who hopes to steal whatever means allowed Janet to escape from the Quantum Realm. That means being, Pym Particles, the creation that allows Ant-Man and The Wasp to shrink or grow in size and take advantage of the strength of ants. Kang believes that this technology could be used to restore the MacGuffin that gave power to the ship that stranded him in the Quantum Realm and allow him to travel to and conquer universes as he had done before he was exiled.
And that's the plot of Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantumania. Can Scott Lang overcome the God-Like powers of Kang the Conqueror and keep him from destroying countless universes. It's a solid and relatively simple plot but one that lacks much in terms of depth. Scott Lang's character arc isn't much. He wishes he could go back to before The Snap and be with Cassie as she grows up. Kang, with his ability to manipulate time, might be able to give him that wish. However, though the trailer seems to indicate that Scott would be open to working with Kang, that doesn't happen in the movie.
At no point is Scott not the Ant-Man we've always known, a slightly gawky devoted dad and practical screw-up. The movie doesn't change him much nor, does it appear that his experiences saving the world alongside the Avengers seem to have changed him much. He's perhaps become overly cautious when it comes to Cassie, urging her not to take risks or do anything that might risk her safety, even if said thing is the right thing to do. That's not really much of an arc but that's about all that we get in Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantumania.
In terms of arcs, none of these characters seem to have much growth or change. Janet Van Dyne does open up to her family for the first time since she has been back in her own universe but that's only because of the dangerous circumstances at play and not due to any emotional growth on her part. As for Hank and Hope, they're mostly sidelined here. Hope especially, seems to have less dialogue and screen time than in the previous Ant-Man movies. Michael Douglas has a few moments where he looks cool but he's mostly superfluous to the plot.
Find my full length review at Geeks.Media
Spoiler Alert: Character Arcs and Functionality in Knock at the Cabin
Spoiler Alert: The Absence of Consequence in Infinity Pool
Movie Review Ocean Boy
Ocean Boy (2023)
Directed by Tyler Atkins
Written by Tyler Atkins
Starring Luke Hemsworth, Rasmus King
Release Date February 3rd, 2023
Published February 1st, 2023
Ocean Boy, or Bosch and Rockit in many other, non-American markets, is an Australian crime, surfing and family drama. The film stars the Zeppo of the Hemsworth clan. Luke Hemsworth as Bosch, a farmer and small-time drug kingpin. Bosch sells weed and does pretty well with it. His crime empire is threatened when a corrupt cop tries to force Bosch to start selling cocaine. Bosch is, at the very least, smart enough to recognize the dangers of selling cocaine versus the relative safety of sticking with pot.
Meanwhile, Bosch's teenage son, Rockit, is basically feral. Though being 13 or 14 years old, Rockit can't read. All Rockit ever wants to do is surf and or, hang out on the beach. At school, on the rare occasion that he goes to school, Rockit is mocked and mistreated by his schoolmates. His teachers are not much better as they've clearly not bothered to actually try to teach the kid, preferring to pass him from grade to grade without question.
The plot of Ocean Boy truly kicks in when a wildfire destroys Bosch's crops, and he loses the cocaine that he was supposed to sell. Going on the run with his son, Bosch tries to put a positive spin on things by convincing his son that they are simply on holiday and camping on the beach in a resort town. This lie can only carry things so far and soon, father and son are deeply at odds. Meanwhile, the baddies are hot on Bosch's trail. The cocaine he lost was very expensive and the corrupt cops want their money back.
Find my full length review at Geeks.Media linked here.
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