Classic Movie Review Jurassic Park 3

Jurassic Park 3 (2001) 

Directed by Joe Johnston 

Written by Peter Buchman, Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor 

Starring Sam Neill, Tea Leoni, William H. Macy, Alessandro Nivola 

Release Date July 18th, 2001 

Published June 14th, 2023 

After having compromised to make arguably the worst movie of his remarkable career, The Lost World Jurassic Park, Steven Spielberg was finally ready to leave the dinosaurs behind. There was no amount of money that studio executives could promise Spielberg in order to get him back in the director's chair for Jurassic Park 3. That said, staying on as Executive Producer, and retaining his lucrative back end deal, Spielberg did have a hand in choosing his directorial successor. 

Joe Johnston is a long time friend and collaborator of Steven Spielberg and happened to be coming off a pair of well liked and successful films, the 1995 blockbuster, Jumanji, and the critically beloved 1999 drama, October Sky. That plus having worked behind the scenes on each of the previous Jurassic Park movies made Johnston the most natural choice to pick up the reigns on the popular franchise. With Johnston came a new writing team for Jurassic Park 3. Out was writer David Koepp and in was the unlikely duo of Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, fresh off the success of very non-Jurassic Park indie hits Citizen Ruth and Election. 

It's strange to think that Alexander Payne chose to follow up Election, a black comedy of razor sharp wit, with something as wit-free as Jurassic Park 3. Much like Spielberg did his career worst work on The Lost World Jurassic Park, it would be fair to say that Jurassic Park 3 marks a low point in the career of Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor. A paycheck is a paycheck and being hot off of a critical and commercial hit created the strange cosmic coincidences needed to put the future auteurs behind Sideways into the Jurassic Park universe. 

That said, while I do think this is the worst script of the career of Payne and Taylor, that doesn't mean the movie is that bad. Jurassic Park 3 is actually an improvement over The Lost World Jurassic Park. Director Joe Johnston smartly keeps his Jurassic Park movie under 100 minutes in length and maintains a frenetic pace throughout its 96 minute runtime. A script this thin could not sustain a movie much longer than that, especially with characters this obnoxious and simplistic. Making Jurassic Park 3 any longer than 96 minutes would be an agonizing watch. As it is, it's not great but it is fast and the action is genuinely well directed. 

Jurassic Park 3 returns Sam Neill to the role of Dr. Alan Grant. After being greatly missed in The Lost World Jurassic Park, having Neill back in Jurassic Park 3 is, at the very least, a welcome bit of nostalgia. Also briefly back is Laura Dern as Dr. Ellie Sattler. Her inclusion is perfunctory and convenient, a loving nod to the original Jurassic Park. She's there to be used as needed by the script to underline a plot point early on and provide a convenient ending for the film. 

Sorry, my cynicism keeps sneaking through. I was talking about being happy to see Dr. Grant again. Sam Neill is a steady, calming, soothing presence in Jurassic Park. He's an absolute necessity as he provides a grounded element amid the chaotic special effects frenzy that Joe Johnston is unleashing in Jurassic Park 3. It's easy to see where Johnston's work on Jumanji influenced his work here. Much like Jumanji, Jurassic Park 3 is at its best when it doesn't stop running, upping the stakes, and being an action movie. 

The plot kicks in when Dr. Grant receives an offer to play aerial tour guide for a rich married couple. Paul and Amanda Kirby have charted a plane to fly over Isla Sorna, the second of John Hammond's dinosaur islands and the location of the last movie, The Lost World Jurassic Park. Grant is promised that the plane will not land on the island and that he will just narrate a few facts about what few dinosaurs can be seen during the flyover. What he doesn't know is that he's actually on a dangerous rescue mission. In a convoluted opening sequence, Paul and Amanda's son, Eric has been stranded on the island.

The crew aboard the plane are actually mercenaries who've been hired to extract the boy from the island. Naturally, things don't go well and people end up getting eaten by dinosaurs. Since we don't know the names of the actors playing the mercenaries, and they lack what I like to call 'main character powers,' they're the first to go. The only name supporting actor, Michael Jeter, is also doomed for being a liar and a bit of a weasel, bad guys getting ugly comeuppance is a trope of the Jurassic Park films, aside from John Hammond, the greatest villain of the series, who gets to escape because he's played by kindly grandpa, Richard Attenborough. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review Chevalier

Chevalier (2023) 

Directed by Stephen Williams 

Written by Stefani Robinson 

Starring Kelvin Harrison Jr., Samara Weaving, Lucy Boynton, Martin Csokas 

Release Date April 21st, 2023 

Published June 13th, 2023 

To talk about why Chevalier doesn't work, I need to talk about the ending. Now, since this movie is based on the true story of Joseph Bologne, Chevalier de Saint-Georges, his French title, I don't think this is a spoiler alert situation. Besides that, the fate of the main character is not part of the ending of the movie, that's handled with some clumsy text that ties up the life of the Chevalier de Saint-Georges in a tidy bow and explains why he went unrecognized and little known for so many years. Thus, I don't consider this a spoiler. But, if you disagree, you have now been warned. 

The ending of Chevalier, starring Kelvin Harrison Jr. as Joseph Bologne, famed composer and former friend and confidante of Queen Marie Antoinette, is set at a concert performance. Bologne is set to perform a piece that has a title intended to support the French Revolution, the bloody battle that will bring down Joseph's former friend, Marie Antoinette, played by Lucy Boynton. After being warned by the Queen that she will destroy him, take away his title, and ruin him professionally, Bologne wastes no time being conflicted, he immediately takes the stage and begins to perform this fiery piece of music. 

The Queen responds with unsurprising disdain, she sends her top General, a bullying Aristocrat named Montalamare (Martin Csokas) into to the concert to arrest and or execute the Chevalier. The crowd intervenes to save their favorite composer who briefly stops the show to confront the General. Then, Bologne waves his hand, indicating for his symphony to continue playing. But, after doing this, the Chevalier leaves. Walking out of the concert, the Chevalier passes by the fleeing Queen with a defiant glare and then, in slow motion, he walks off and text takes care of the rest of his life. 

That slow motion walk is a very silly moment. Contextually, Bologne has just started his concert. He has a large and excited crowd that came to see him perform. Yes, he is almost murdered by the General, I'm sure that was hard for him, and reason enough to leave and end the show. But, he appears to be unfazed by this near-death experience. He's perfectly calm and cool as he walks out of his just begun concert performance. The Chevalier then smirks his way past the fleeing Marie Antoinette, and segues into a slow motion walk to the camera. 

But, question, where the hell is he supposed to be going? The concert just started. Where is he going? I imagine that the filmmakers were thinking 'and then he walks into history' or some such nonsense. The self-congratulatory tone of this sequence comes off as very, very silly. The character just seems like an oddball who will have to sheepishly walk his way back to the theater to finish the concert, perhaps. Or, he's just going home to, I don't know, take a nap? He's going to a bar to get drunk while others finish his concert or spill into the street to yell obscenities at the Queen. 

Regardless of wherever this film version of Bologne's life is headed, the movie has rendered him as a joke. By trying so desperately to craft an 'iconic' ending, they've managed to make their star and his character seem very silly. It appears that they had no idea how to end the movie and just thought a Baywatch slow-mo to camera walk was the only way to get out of having to portray the actual French Revolution, which Bologne fought in against the crown and ended up leading the first all black battalion of the French Army. 

We only know that because star Kelvin Harrison Jr. is forced to stand in front of the camera in freeze frame as onscreen text informs us of why the Chevalier fell into obscurity. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the Cliff's Notes, I was glad the movie was over, but it doesn't make the silliness of the ending of this otherwise tepid and forgettable biopic any easier to take. I will also grant that a slow-mo walk to camera is an entertaining choice, if not a good one. It marked the first time in the nearly 2 hours of Chevalier that I had an emotional reaction to the film, if not the emotion the movie was seeking. Derisive snorting laughter was, I'm assuming, not the filmmakers intent. 

Movie Review Opening Night

Opening Night (2017) 

Directed by Isaac Rentz

Written by Gerry De Leon, Greg Lisi 

Starring Topher Grace, Paul Scheer, Alona Tal, Anne Heche, Taye Diggs

Release Date June 2nd, 2017 

Opening Night has the kind of scrappy charm that you want out of a musical. It’s shaggy and flawed but it’s also fun-loving and freewheeling. The story of a Broadway stage manager struggling with personal demons from his own seemingly failed Broadway career, the movie may not have the polish of a Hollywood production but it makes up for it with moxie and the can-do spirit of an underdog production with nothing to lose.

Topher Grace (That 70’s Show) stars as Nick, the stage manager for a Broadway production called “One Hit Wonderland.” The show within the movie stars N’Sync’s J.C Chazez, sending up himself with gusto and a hint of poignancy, playing a one hit wonder singer taking a journey that is part A Christmas Carol and part It’s a Wonderful Life. The theme of the musical is the theme of the movie: can someone bounce back after early success becomes a quick failure?

Relative newcomer Alona Tal shines as Nick’s recent ex-girlfriend and chorus girl Chloe who winds up thrust into the lead role opposite Chasez when the show’s lead actress Brooke (Anne Heche) suffers a blow to the head and is accidentally dosed with Ecstacy in one of a couple plots that stumble their way on stage and quickly off without the best possible resolution. I was hoping Heche would be given something more to play here, she hints at depths of sadness in the character, but sadly she ends up a bit of a plot device before a credits scene sendoff that, at the very least, has a funny punchline courtesy of scene-stealing comic Paul Scheer.

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review The Lost Boys

The Lost Boys (1987)

Directed by Joel Schumacher

Written by Janice Fischer, Jeffrey Boam, James Jeremias

Starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, Jason Patric, Kiefer Sutherland, Dianne Wiest, Jamie Gertz

Release Date July 31st, 1987

The Lost Boys turns 30 years old this weekend, July 28th, 2017, and the movie has not aged well. While it’s not quite the embarrassment that was the Twilight movies, The Lost Boys is bad in its own unique ways. While nostalgia might cloud fans of the Coreys’ first team up (Haim and Feldman for those aren’t fans of Tiger Beat circa 1987) the reality of The Lost Boys is that director Joel Schumacher is an epically bad filmmaker and teamed with a cast of not ready for primetime teenagers, and a minimal budget, Schumacher’s modest talents are entirely overwhelmed.

The story of The Lost Boys began life as a kid’s adventure movie surrounding the bizarre idea of Peter Pan as a vampire, explaining why he was always a teenager, and attempting to lure Michael, eventually played by non-child Jason Patrick, and his brother Sam (Corey Haim) to become one of his "Lost Boys" hence the title that seems confusing minus the Peter Pan story. The Peter Pan aspect was ditched when director Richard Donner bolted from the project for the chance to direct Lethal Weapon. (Why did they keep the name? It means nothing without… oh never mind.)

In the story, as it plays out in the finished film, Michael and Sam have moved to Santa Carla from Phoenix after their mother, played by Dianne Wiest, divorced her husband and lost her job. They are going to live with their eccentric grandfather, played by the perfectly cast Barnard Hughes, who specialized in playing oddball grandpas. Hughes is one of the many extraneous idiocies of The Lost Boys as his character is little more than a series of creepy, supposedly endearing, quirks that have nothing to do with the plot.

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review The Emoji Movie

The Emoji Movie (2017) 

Directed by Tony Leondis

Written by Tony Leondis, Eric Siegel, Mike White

Starring T.J Miller, James Corden, Patrick Stewart, Anna Faris

Release Date July 28th, 1997

What is there to be said about The Emoji Movie? That’s what I have been asking myself for the more than an hour since I sat down to write this review. This empty, mostly competent, 90+ minute ad for smartphone apps doesn’t inspire much to be written about it. Sure, I could rail against the empty, soulless, mercenary nature of what amounts to app product placement the movie, but I have been shouting into that void since the trailer for the film hit and no one seemed to care then. So, let’s just start writing and see what happens.

The Emoji Movie centers around Gene (Voiced by T.J Miller), a professional "Meh" emoji on his first day on the job in Textopolis, a home for Emoji’s inside a teenager’s phone. Gene’s parents Mel and Mary Meh (Steven Wright and Jennifer Coolidge) aren’t sure Gene is ready for the job of expressing indifference because, unlike other Emojis in Textopolis, Gene is able to perform other Emoji functions beyond just being the face of Meh.

When Gene panics and ruins a text to a girl by making a funny face instead of Meh, he’s set to be deleted as if he were a virus. This leads to Gene having to flee Textopolis with his new pal Hi-5 (James Corden) to find a hacker named Jailbreak (Anna Faris) whom he hopes will be able to reprogram him to be Meh and help Hi-5 get back into the favorites page of his owner’s phone where he was once among the most oft-used Emojis.

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review The Fifth Element

The Fifth Element (1997) 

Directed by Luc Besson

Written by Luc Besson, Robert Mark Kamen

Starring Bruce Willis, Milla Jovovich, Gary Oldman, Chris Tucker

Release Date May 7th, 1997 

I love the way Luc Besson views the universe. Besson sees the universe in bright bold colors. It’s the way I would like to view the universe. While my mind is often clouded by the often sad and tragic state of humanity, and especially man’s inhumanity to man, Besson manages to look beyond and see the beauty beyond our planet and into the stars.

The best example of how Luc Besson sees the universe, aside from his dazzling yet somewhat empty new film Valerian and the Planet of A Thousand Cities, is the 1997 film The Fifth Element, this week’s classic on the I Hate Critics movie review podcast.

The Fifth Element was well ahead of its time, a sci-fi movie filled with vibrant color, extraordinary costumes, and remarkable, often mind-blowing, special effects and production design.

If only that same vibrancy extended to the characters. You see, for as much as I am dazzled by the spectacle, the visual dynamism of Luc Besson and The Fifth Element, he’s not a director who is particularly interested in characters. Besson, though thoroughly detailed in costumes and set design and special effects, is not a director of actors.

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review La Bamba

La Bamba (1987) 

Directed by Luis Valdez

Written by Luis Valdez

Starring Lou Diamond Phillips, Esai Morales, Joe Pantoliano, Elizabeth Pena

Release Date July 24th, 1987

Somehow, despite having seen the movie La Bamba more than a dozen times in my life, watching the movie on its 30th Anniversary felt brand new. La Bamba was a film of my youth; I was 11 years old when the film hit theaters in 1987. I watched it repeatedly when it was on pay cable and free TV in the later 80’s and 90’s and then the film fell from my memory. You might be wondering how I could have allowed something I must’ve treasured to leave my memories. The answer is more complicated than I had imagined.

La Bamba, the movie, we will get to the song later, tells the story of teenage rock star Ritchie Valens who nearly became a footnote in musical history when he was killed in a plane crash alongside the legendary Buddy Holly and fellow rising star The Big Bopper, on February 3rd, 1959, after having released only 3 hit singles and being a mere 17 years old. Though his popularity was rising in 1959 with people comparing the young Chicano rocker to Elvis, Valens wasn’t nearly the star Buddy Holly was and could have been preserved in history only by his family and community had it not been for this remarkable 1987 biopic.

Director Luis Valdez is a legend in his own right and in his own unique way. Desperate for an outlet for his plays, Valdez approached legendary California union activist Cesar Chavez about creating a theater troupe among the striking migrant workers. Chavez agreed only after Valdez devoted time to union organizing, time which he also took to recruit actors and performers from among the striking union to join him. He founded a troupe called El Treato Campesino, The Farmworkers Theater, which has become the creative home for Mexican Americans of many talents over the past 50 plus years.

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review Dunkirk

Dunkirk (2017)

Directed by Christopher Nolan 

Written by Christopher Nolan 

Starring Fionn Whitehead, Kenneth Branagh, Jack Lowden, Barry Keoghan, Harry Styles, Tom Hardy, Mark Rylance, Cillian Murphy

Release Date July 21st, 2017

With The Dark Knight trilogy and Inception, director Christopher Nolan has ascended to that rarefied air of directors who can sell a movie with his name alone. Nolan now stands shoulder to shoulder with fellow relative newcomers J.J. Abrams and Joss Whedon and the original superstar director, Steven Speilberg.

The proof comes with the release of Dunkirk, Nolan's latest film and one with a minimum of star-power, rough, non-commercial subject matter, and a World War II setting that has rarely been the home of four quadrant hits without the back up of major stars like Tom Hanks or John Wayne. If Dunkirk is to succeed it will be the director of Batman who makes it happen.

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media

Movie Review Scream 5

Scream 5 (2022) 

Directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett 

Written by JamesVanderbilt, Gary Busick, Kevin Williamson

Starring Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox, David Arquette, Melissa Barrera, Jenna Ortega 

Release Date January 14, 2022 

Published June 13th, 2023

Just a few years ago the WWE had an issue. There are moves in wrestling called 'Finishers.' The 'Finisher' is supposed to end a match. When the 'Finisher' is struck, 1, 2, 3 almost always should follow. But, for a time, WWE forgot about the concept of the 'Finisher.' Wrestlers began surviving finishing moves. Moves that used to be finishers in the 1980s were no longer effective enough to end a match. Even the most protected finishers, the ones that NO ONE got up from, began to become not fully effective. 

The choice, and it was a choice, it's a scripted medium, to allow wrestlers to survive a finishing move, began to affect the drama of matches. When a finisher becomes ineffective, the drama, build to an ending of a match becomes drawn out and less dramatic. I mention this in a review of Scream 5 because it's become concerning how ineffective a finishing maneuver in the Scream universe has become. I'm speaking of stabbing. Stabbing is supposed to be a finishing movie for the masked villains of the Scream universe. However, as they enter further and further into the franchise, stabbing has almost become a transition move. 

Today, when someone in a Scream movie gets stabbed it's more of a brief hindrance than something that leads to death. It's becoming an epidemic in the Scream franchise that a stab wound is as easy to survive as a paper cut. The drama and excitement of the killer getting their hands on a main character and putting a knife to them is beginning to dissipate as we are less and less worried that a character will die from having a sharp implement repeatedly stuck into vital organs. 

Scream 5 is a minor course correction for this issue. In Scream 5, a main character finally dies from repeated stab wounds. It's a rare shocking moment in a franchise that is growing short on shockers as it ages into adulthood as a franchise that is now in its mid-20s. The death of this main character, which, by now, most of you are aware of, caught many off guard when the film was released in 2022. It's a shock death that may be responsible for reviving the franchise, even as this character was widely beloved and a reason many enjoyed this franchise for so long. 

That death aside, Scream 5 revives the franchise in other ways. Most importantly by providing a pair of leads who are likable and easy to root for. First and foremost, young Jenna Ortega, who has since this film, shot to fame on the Netflix Addams Family series, Wednesday, joined the franchise as seemingly the first victim. In an upending of expectations however, Ortega's Tara Carpenter survived her multiple stab wounds. The attack on Tara introduces the actual new face of the Scream franchise, Melissa Barrera as Tara's older sister, Sam Carpenter. 

Sam has been apart from her family for some time but she returns to her hometown of Woodsboro when she learns that someone attacked her sister. Joining her is her boyfriend and co-worker, Richie Kirsch (Jack Quaid), a bit of a doofus but a seemingly decent guy. When Tara decides to investigate the attack on her sister, she also drafts in Tara's friends, Twins Mindy (Jasmin Savoy Brown) and Chad (Mason Gooding), and Wes (Dylan Minnette). Together, the group seeks out the one person who might be able to shed some light on the attempted murderer or murderers, former Woodsboro Sheriff Dewey Riley (David Arquette). 

Now back in Woodsboro and living in a trailer home, pining for his ex-wife Gale (Courtney Cox), who remains in New York as a big time news anchor, Dewey is reluctant to get involved in another Woodsboro murder spree. Dewey's been through this a lot, lost a lot of people and survived having been stabbed many, many times. To say that he's not eager to go back into the fray against a brand new Ghostface is an understatement. But, when he finds out about Tara's secret connection to the original Ghostface killers, he decides to get involved. 

In a move that was controversial, to say the least, the new Scream creative team, directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett and writers James Vanderbilt and Guy Busick, have introduced a seemingly supernatural element to the Scream franchise. Via Tara's connection to one of the original Ghostface killers, we find that long dead murderer having conversations with and giving advice to Tara as she fights for the life of herself and her friends against the new Ghostface killers. It's a strange choice and one that I can understand was quite off-putting to long time fans of the franchise. 

That said, I really liked seeing this actor back in the Scream franchise. I enjoyed the way his introduction into this story became a red herring and a sort of secret superpower for Tara that evened the playing field a bit between the killers who could seemingly be anywhere at any time and their target, Tara. Supernatural elements absolutely violate the canon of the Scream franchise but, considering how often the main characters of the franchise have survived numerous stab wounds and gunshot wounds, one could argue that the supernatural was creeping into the Scream franchise throughout the run of the series. 

Scream 5 was intended to be a passing of the torch from one generation to the next. Thus, we get the return of Neve Campbell as Sidney Prescott. Now a mom with a life thriving outside the spotlight of her survival of multiple murder attempts, Sidney returns to Westboro following the death of that main character I mentioned earlier. One thing that Scream 5 absolutely gets right is the reunion of Courtney Cox's Gale and Campbell's Sidney. I was legitimately choked up by the sight of the two of them together, especially under the circumstances of the moment. Scream 5 gets this lovely moment right and it sets a good tone for the rest of the movie. 

The final act of Scream 5 moves at a good clip and the motivation of the dual killers of this Scream iteration are well played out, darkly humorous, as is tradition, and filled with bloody, bloody violence. Stab wounds are rendered mostly ineffective by the end of Scream 5, a fact that dooms Scream 6, as you can read in my 2023 pan of that film, but only after we've reached the credits of this take on the series. Stabbing is losing its potency, but it isn't until we find our main characters are completely indestructible that in Scream 6 that the movie completely rolls into a sad parody of itself. 

I was quite surprised by how much I liked Scream 5. I liked the new characters, I enjoyed the murderous set pieces that carried some genuine suspense, and I really enjoyed the use of our Scream originals. David Arquette, Neve Campbell, and Courtney Cox are old hands at this point but each remains a welcome and beloved presence in these films. Scream 6, in fact, suffers from a lack of Campbell's steady, graceful and resourceful presence. But Scream 5 has our beloved trio and each is used to wonderful degree to welcome the new cast and establish this new era for the franchise. Sadly, as I write this review after having seen Scream 6, the new era of Scream has already crashed and burned in my estimation. But, at least Scream 5 was good. 

Classic Movie Review Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 (1993) 

Directed by Stuart Gillard 

Written by Stuart Gillard 

Starring Paige Turco, Elias Koteas 

Release Date March 19th, 1993 

Published June 2023 

It was clear that the makers of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise was fast losing steam right about the time Vanilla Ice appeared in TMNT 2 to rap the phrase 'Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go!' It's at about that point that as a culture we had come to the conclusion that the necessity for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle feature film was no longer a necessity. And yet, against all good sense and taste, the makers of the franchise pressed on with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a screamingly minor entry in a franchise that had only narrowly found the energy for one and one half part of a movie and sequel. 

And yet, someone forked over a $21 million dollar budget to send the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles back in time to some loose configuration of a past somewhere in Asia. Time travel is yet another signpost in the sweaty, desperate creation of a third Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Someone really promised more than they could possibly deliver to convince anyone that this was worth doing. Nothing in the film certainly justifies why this sequel was ever brought to the light of day, let alone unleashed on an unsuspecting public in movie theaters. 

My heart goes out to the parents of 1993 who must have napped or stayed in the car while their kids watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3. The chore of sitting through this nonsense is like a parent being grounded by their kid and made to sit in time out for 90 minutes. This is a screamingly inessential film, a movie that has no right to exist in any way and yet somehow it does. Time, effort, and cold hard cash was dedicated to bringing this movie to the world and, for the life of me, I cannot imagine why. 

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them

The Opposite Sex and How to Live With Them (1993) 

Directed by Matthew Meshakoff 

Written by Noah Stern 

Starring Arye Gross, Kevin Pollak, Courtney Cox, Julie Brown

Release Date March 26th, 1993 

Published June 9th, 2023 

There is a scene in the 1993 'romantic comedy' The Opposite Sex and How to Live With Them that demonstrates the ugly toxicity of the early 1990s. Courtney Cox has gone to the beach with her new boyfriend, played by a sentient loaf of wonder bread named Arye Gross. As he lounges on the beach, Gross's friends grab Cox and drag her away to play some beach game. When she returns, she's nude, save for a towel. His friends have stripped her naked during this 'game' and she was able to limp back to her boyfriend who could not be less interested in her plight. 

Cox's character appears shaken by this. She makes clear that she did not consent to being stripped nude by her boyfriend's friends. And yet, the tone of the scene is clearly comic. We are expected to laugh about this implied sexual assault. We know this because Gross appears to find this situation very funny as he jokingly blames her for letting his friends drag her into their game. Apparently, she should have known better. That scene is par for the course on how ugly, toxic, and misogynistic this movie is, especially through the lens of 30 years later. 

For those thinking I am going to defend this in any way by saying 'it was a different time,' I will not be doing that. What happened in this scene was wrong when it took place as it remains wrong today. This casual attitude toward assault is reflective of a culture at the time that excused far too much awful male behavior with the phrase 'boys will be boys.' That attitude is almost always followed by an admonishment of the victim, blaming the woman for putting herself into this situation. You can think, it's just a movie or it's just this movie, but this movie is a product of the attitudes of the time. It's a reflection of the casual ugliness around it. 

The entirety of The Opposite Sex and How to Live With Them is terrifically awful. Moment one to moment last, this very stupid, mind-numbing 'romantic comedy' is never funny. It's a cringe inducing relic and somehow, it's a mere 30 years ago that this gross movie was released. If you wonder why we are reckoning with toxic masculinity and a culture of sexual harassment to this day, this movie is indicative of where we were just three decades ago. It was a time when were so comfortable with men assaulting an unwilling female victim that we made a joke of the assault in a romantic comedy. Let that sink in for a moment. 

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media

Movie Review Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017)

Directed by Luc Besson 

Written by Luc Besson

Starring Cara Delavigne, Dane DeHaan, Clive Owen, Rihanna, Ethan Hawke 

Release Date July 21st, 2017 

I cannot decide which is the more difficult type of review: positive without fawning, negative without being mean-spirited or ambivalent. The last type of review is where I find myself with the new movie Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets:; utter and complete ambivalence. There is much to admire about the latest from director Luc Besson (The Fifth Element, Leon: The Professional, among others) but there is also plenty of empty, sci-fi spectacle.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets stars Dane Dahaan (The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Chronicle) as Agent Valerian who, alongside his partner Sgt. Laureline (Cara Delavingne), are investigating a monstrous and ever growing space station that is home to some form of every species in the universe. Our agents are on hand, however, to investigate a threat to the so-called city of a thousand planets.

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review The Big Sick

The Big Sick (2017) 

Directed by Michael Showalter 

Written by Emily V. Gordon, Kumail Nanjiani 

Starring Kumail Nanjiani, Zoe Kazan, Ray Romano, Holly Hunter

Release Date June 23rd, 2017 

The Big Sick broke my heart into a million little pieces and slowly pieced it back together throughout its gentle, sweet and very, very funny 120 minutes. Featuring an unconventional but brilliant lead performer, a radiant love interest and two of the best possible supporting players anyone could ask for, The Big Sick is, thus far, the best movie of 2017.

Kumail Nanjiani stars in the mostly true story of his love story with real life wife Emily Gordon, who also co-wrote the screenplay for the film with Kumail. The unconventional love story finds Kumail struggling to balance the demands of his traditional Pakistani born family with his desire to live outside the strictures of religion and in a more conventional style of American, big city life.

Still discovering who he is and what he believes in, Kumail stumbles into a romance with Emily, played by Zoe Kazan, equally thoughtful and searching young person. While each playfully and sarcastically discusses their unwillingness to become attached to the other the attraction becomes something neither can deny as they discover in each other pieces of themselves that they didn’t know existed.

Click here for my review of The Big Sick at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review Blind

Blind (2017) 

Directed by Michael Mailer 

Written by John Buffalo Mailer 

Starring Demi Moore, Alec Baldwin

Release Date July 14th, 2017 

In nearly 20 years as a film critic, I have seen more than my share of terrible movies. I have seen The Room without the Rifftrax commentary track. I sat all the way through The Happening with my mind reeling at the incompetence of M. Night shyamalan’s most incomprehensible work. And I have seen all the Transformers movies which should qualify me for some sort of movie critic combat pay. But in nearly 20 years I can genuinely say I have never seen anything quite like Blind.

Blind is a film of such remarkable, incomprehensible awfulness that it can comfortably stand alongside the oeuvre of Tommy Wiseau and not feel out of place. Directed by longtime producer and first-time director Michael Mailer, Blind takes very talented, formerly big name stars, Alec Baldwin and Demi Moore, and renders them as amateurs via a script, editing, and direction that could only kindly be described as amateurish at best, and blatantly, intentionally incompetent at worst.

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review The House

The House (2017) 

Directed by Andrew Jay Cohen

Written by Brendan O'Brien 

Starring Will Ferrell, Amy Poehler, Jason Mantzoukas, Jeremy Renner, Nick Kroll 

Release Date June 30th, 2017

Oh, how I hate The House! This one note joke of a comedy about morons trying to send their daughter to an upscale college is an embarrassing and sad mess. Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler star in The House as a married couple about to empty their nest when they send their daughter off to Bucknell University. However, when they lose out on their daughter’s scholarship due to a scheme by a corrupt city council member (Nick Kroll) they are forced into criminal behavior to make their daughter’s college dream come true.

Ferrell and Poehler play Scott and Kate, a married couple with the believability and romantic chemistry of a brother and sister. With no options to send their daughter to college they decide to take up their friend Frank’s advice and join him in running an illegal casino out of his mini suburban mansion. Playing off the cliché that the house always wins they set out to steal the money of their neighborhood friends who are so eager to break the monotony of suburbia that they don’t mind losing loads of money to do it.

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review The Lost World Jurassic Park

The Lost World Jurassic Park (1997) 

Directed by Steven Spielberg 

Written by David Koepp 

Starring Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore, Vince Vaughn, Pete Postlethwaite 

Release Date May 23rd, 1997 

Published June 12th, 2023 

The Lost World Jurassic Park fails to recapture the magic and wonder of the original. Why? That kind of lightning in a bottle is simply hard to catch a second time. With no Sam Neil, no Laura Dern, and only Jeff Goldblum returning, The Lost World Jurassic Park felt mercenary and obligatory. Someone at the studio backed several brinks trucks worth of cash at Steven Spielberg's door, promised him he could make any movie he wanted, but only if he delivered another dino-blockbuster. Unlike the wide-eyed wonder of Jurassic Park, The Lost World Jurassic Park plays like a market tested blockbuster more interested in reaching four audience quadrants than satisfyingly entertaining the people who made up those quadrants. 

That said, this is Steven Spielberg so the movie isn't as bad as it could be. Spielberg is far too good of a director to make a genuinely bad film. Rather, this is the rare soulless Spielberg effort. It's a Spielberg movie where you can sense his heart isn't completely in it. There is a great visual gag in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back where the titular heroes visit the set of a Scream sequel. There, we find director Wes Craven not paying attention to directing and instead counting his money and telling his actress, Shannen Doherty, to do whatever she wants. That's how I picture Spielberg except, instead of counting his money, he's paying for a different and far better movie to start production while he occasionally tells his actors to run. 

The Lost World Jurassic Park begins by telling us that billionaire John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) has learned nothing from his Jurassic Park experience. He has another island full of dinosaurs and sees them as his ticket to get his dream of Jurassic Park back on track. Hammond calls upon Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) to help him by going to this island and certifying that the dinosaurs are safe and accounted for on this new island. Dr. Malcolm refuses the lucrative offer until Hammond tells him that Malcolm's girlfriend, Dr. Sarah Harding (Julianne Moore), is already on the island. 

Malcolm takes the offer from Hammond but not to co-sign a new park. Malcolm is going to this new island on a rescue mission. Along for the ride are a guide, Eddie Carr (Richard Schiff) and a hotshot photographer, and greenpeace activist, Nick Van Owen (Vince Vaughn). Once on the island, they must try to find Sarah while also trying not to become dinner for the burgeoning new wildlife. Soon after this however, they will find themselves having to compete to save the dinosaurs from Hammond's idiot nephew, Peter Ludlow (Arliss Howard), and a big game hunter played by Pete Postelthwaite. 

The trailer back in 1997 carried a very big spoiler: The dinosaurs, at least one of them, the fearsome T-Rex, is coming to America. Commercials and trailers touted a dinosaur raging through city streets. This revealed further just how mercenary the whole effort was. The T-Rex doesn't arrive in America until the 3rd act and revealing that this dangerous dinosaur was going to rage through the streets of San Diego rather harms any chance of building tension and suspense as to where the movie was going to go. It's a great visual but spoiling it in the trailer made it very clear that The Lost World Jurassic Park was more of a marketing campaign than a movie. 

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review Adventures in Babysitting

Adventures in Babysitting (1987) 

Directed by Chris Columbus 

Written by David Simkins

Starring Elisabeth Shue, Keith Coogan, Anthony Rapp, Maia Brewton 

Release Date July 3rd 1987

This weekend a minor 80’s gem turns 30 years old with little fanfare but plenty of positive memories, especially for young girls. Adventures in Babysitting is a lovely little 80’s nostalgia piece that, though some of its unintended politics haven’t aged well, the film’s silly little heart was always in the right place and that’s more than can be said about most 80’s teen comedies.

Adventures in Babysitting casts the winning and refreshing young Elizabeth Shue who gets roped into babysitting for The Anderson family after her no-goodnik boyfriend (Bradley Whitford) breaks off their date to a fancy restaurant. Having nothing better to do, Chris accepts the babysitting money to sit with Sara (Maia Brewton) and Brad (Keith Coogan), a boy two years younger than Chris and nursing a years long infatuation with her.

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review Despicable Me 3

Despicable Me 3 (2017)

Directed by Pierre Coffin, Kyle Balda

Written by Cinco Paul, Ken Daurio 

Starring Steve Carell, Kristen Wiig, Trey Parker, Miranda Cosgrove, Jenny Slate, Julie Andrews 

Release Date June 30th, 2017 

Despicable Me 3 is so wildly mediocre, so achingly adequate, and so puzzlingly prosaic, I can barely bring myself to write about it. In all honesty, I have spent more research time for this review googling synonyms for mediocre than I have considering anything related to the production of Despicable Me 3. The latest bit of barely above average animation from the company Illumination is so very much just OK that just trying to find the energy to type words about it is taxing.

Despicable Me 3 picks up the story of former super-villain Gru (Steve Carell) as he continues his career as a newly formed hero. Alongside his now wife Lucy (Kristen Wiig), Gru is hot on the trail of the newest super-villain, a stuck in the 80’s former child star named Balthazar Bratt (Trey Parker), who uses gum and rubix cubes as super-weapons. It’s a clever idea for about 5 or 6 minutes and then it becomes tiresome and then forgettable.

Ah but don’t worry, Despicable Me 3 has a second uninspired plot. In this one we find that Gru has a twin brother named Dru. The joke of Dru is that he’s in good shape, has hair, and is bad at crime. That’s it, that’s the joke. On top of that, we’re supposed to find it hilarious when Gru’s mother cruelly hides his brother from him before telling him that he was her second pick. Hilarious familial cruelty you guys! Oh, and Gru’s mom is an old perv with two male swim coaches she leers at creepily, you know, to entertain the kids. (Yes, I remember that joke has been in the other films; it was creepy and unfunny then as well.

Read my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park (1993) 

Directed by Steven Spielberg 

Written by Michael Crichton, David Koepp 

Starring Sam Neill, Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, Richard Attenborough 

Release Date June 11th, 1993 

Published June 12th, 1993 

To say that Jurassic Park was ahead of its time in film technique would be an understatement. Somehow, Steven Spielberg made a massive CGI world come to life that still looks good today compared to much more expensive movies that came after it. Spielberg's dinosaurs of 1993 are, for me, more appealing than anything created since by his peers such as George Lucas or James Cameron. Spielberg's magical realism, the grounded story he tells about humans and dinosaurs, is filled with wonders that Lucas and Cameron forego in favor of spectacle. 

Spielberg still believed in actors and performances while Lucas and Cameron appeared to feel that actors got in the way of their vision. Spielberg never lost sight of what truly compels an audience, characters they can relate to, fear for, and root for. In selecting his cast for Jurassic Park he didn't choose giant movie stars, he chose people who were well known for their skillful acting. Sam Neill, Laura Dern, and Jeff Goldblum, the core of the Jurassic Park cast, were actors first and movie stars a distant second. 

Spielberg needed their skillful performances to truly give life to the monsters he was using CGI to bring to life. It would be mildly impressive to see the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park on their own but the dinosaurs take on a greater sense of wonder when actors are able to convince you that the dinosaur is in front of them. The wonder and excitement of these performers is truly what gives life to the CGI creations of Spielberg's brilliant behind the scenes team. 

Jurassic Park kicks off on a horror movie cliché. A black actor is tasked with letting the monstrous T-Rex out of its cage and, in unfortunate horror movie fashion, the black guy dies first. I'm not calling the scene racist, it's not really my place to make that judgment. I'm merely pointing out one well worn trope that was strangely present throughout the history of horror and monster movies. And, make no mistake about it, while I am not sure I would call Jurassic Park a horror movie, it's most certainly a monster movie. 

Dinosaurs in Spielberg's universe, especially the vicious raptors and the horrifying T-Rex, are introduced in classic monster movie fashion. Much the way that Godzilla and his cadre of fellow movie monsters are introduced in their films, Spielberg establishes his monsters as dangerous killers, slows down to show us how beautiful his monsters can be, and then unleashes the monsters upon his heroic human characters. The nature of the suspense of Jurassic Park is no different than the nature of the suspense of 1950s drive-in monster movies that you can easily imagine Spielberg himself having enjoyed. 

Spielberg is undoubtedly making a drive in monster movie, he's just doing it with modern tools unavailable to the forgotten generation of monster movie makers who delighted drive-in audiences of the 50s with the unforgettable sight of giant spiders, aliens, and gorillas. Godzilla is owed a debt as is King Kong who was the T-Rex of 1933, impressing audiences then just as Spielberg's fearsome dinosaur impressed us in 1933. Jurassic Park is a great improvement over the monster movies of the past but Spielberg is also fearlessly paying homage to movies that he grew up with and help generations fall in love with the spectacle of going to the movies. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media. 

Movie Review Transformers Rise of the Beasts

Transformers Rise of the Beasts (2023) 

Directed by Stephen Caple Jr. 

Written by Joby Harold, Daniel Metayer, Josh Peters, Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber 

Starring Anthony Ramos, Dominque Fishback, Pete Davidson, Peter Cullen 

Release Date June 9th, 2023 

Published June 9th, 2023 

I'm going to make a strange comparison but here, but hear me out: Transformers is basically, The Little Mermaid market tested for boys. That's not to say that either is gender exclusive, rather merely that the market testing will tend to find the chaotic silliness of Transformers has more appeal among young boys than it does among young girls. Young girls meanwhile, prefer the colorful magic and music of The Little Mermaid to the clattering cacophony of chaos that makes up the Transformers franchise. 

It helps both films that the intended audiences for each film have not reached their full intellectual development. I'm of the belief that anyone who has reached mental maturity really doesn't enjoy the Transformers movie but rather, are tolerant of its existence. As long as their are children who delight over the silliness of Robots who turn into cars, there will always be an audience for the Transformers. Whether that is a good or bad thing is wholly subjective. 

Transformers Rise of the Beasts tells the story of creatures called Maximals. They have a key to a portal between universes and their home world is destroyed by a giant planet eating robot that wants the portal key in order to reach other planets to eat. Naturally, the Maximals bring their super dangerous portal key to Earth where, millions of years later, the planet eating robot guy sends his minions to retrieve the portal key and kill anything that gets in their way. 

The portal key is discovered on Earth by a museum intern with big dreams of being an archaeologist. Dominique Fishback plays the wide-eyed and curious intern, Elena, who will prove pivotal to protecting the Earth from the robot invaders. The evil robots have a name of some sort but my brain refused to retain that. Elena will soon be partnered with would be criminal and former good guy soldier, Noah (Anthony Ramos). Noah has somehow become partnered with the Transformers and is searching for the portal key on behalf of Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen). 

If you haven't lost interest yet, good for you. I checked out around the time I heard the name 'Maximals.' I understand that some of you may have a nostalgic connection to the robot-animal hybrid. I'm told that the Maximals had their own cartoon show that was popular at one time. That's great, I don't relate to that at all. I played with Transformers as a kid and I think there were  animal Transformers when I was into the toys, but I don't really remember. I stopped caring about Transformers years ago. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media