Why I Walked Out

A question that I get regularly in my line of work as a professional film critic is "Have you ever walked out of a movie?" The answer is simply, yes, I have walked out of a movie. I have, in fact, walked out of two movies. I also went on to publish remarkably negative reviews despite not having finished watching these two movies. I felt strongly that I had seen far more than enough of each of these movies to make a value judgment about them and I don't feel any sort of ethical qualms about it. These were execrable films that were unlikely to improve markedly following my leaving. 

I left both films due to being severely grossed out. I will explain but please understand that while I will use as much tactful language as I can, I may have to describe some things that will be uncomfortable to say the least and disgusting at worst. Take that as a warning, the following passages on these two movies contain language of a gross and descriptive nature: Reader discretion is advised. Do me a favor, if you decide to continue reading, drop your own movie walk out stories in the comments, I am curious how many of my loyal readers have similar walkout experiences to mine. Thanks! 

Formula 51 (The 51st State) 

My first walkout came very early in my career. In 2001 I was assigned to watch and write about a troubled production called Formula 51. The film had been through the ringer during its troubled production having been initially titled The 51st State. The film underwent severe reshoots and was finally dumped unceremoniously in theaters with little promotion. The film stars Samuel L. Jackson as a drug dealer who has created a killer new drug. The drug is super addictive and everyone wants to get their hands on it. Jackson's Elmo has to outwit numerous killers trying to get his drugs and the recipe to produce it. 

I'm recalling the plot from memory so that could be a little off but that is the gist of it. Regardless, at about the halfway point of Formula 51 Jackson manages to avoid a group hitmen by giving them a severe diuretic. How he got them to take the drug, I have no idea. But as Elmo watches on from another room through a two-way mirror, the killers start to.... feel the effects of the super-laxative. You can imagine, the scene starts with bubbling and gurgling noises before descending into the baddies having massive diarrhea in the room and we have to see it. I can't recall how much of the fecal results we had to endure because after the first baddie began filling his pants, I walked out. 

Find my full length article at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review Fatal Instinct

Fatal Instinct (1993) 

Directed by Carl Reiner 

Written by David O'Malley 

Starring Armand Assante, Sherilyn Fenn, Kate Nelligan, Christopher McDonald, Sean Young 

Release Date October 29th, 1993 

Published October 31st, 2023 

Why is there no legacy for the movie Fatal Instinct? This brilliant parody of Basic Instinct, Fatal Attraction, and several other sex thrillers is absolutely hysterical from beginning to end. Legendary comic icon Carl Reiner is spot on in his timing, his direction is superb, and the jokes are nearly non-stop from start to finish. I can't understand it, why have most people have forgotten about Fatal Instinct? While Robin Hood Prince of Thieves and Hot Shots Part Deux are deservedly remembered for their 1993 releases, Fatal Instinct languishes in obscurity, and it makes no sense. All three of these movies, and Loaded Weapon, should all be fondly recalled as some of the best spoof comedies of all time. 

Armand Assante stars in Fatal Instinct and while he's not a natural comic actor, he's remarkably game for the nonsense being thrown at him in Fatal Instinct. Assante is Detective Ned Ravine, a good cop by night and a defense attorney by day. Thus, when we see Ravine bust a criminal during a stakeout at an amusement park, we also see Ravine become the man's defense attorney the following day in a series of very funny visual gags that I won't try to detail here. The visual jokes keep coming throughout the movie and you may have to watch Fatal Instinct a couple times in order to catch all the hilarious gags in Fatal Instinct. 

My favorite early gag is one I will try to lay out as it gives you a good sense of the sensibilities of Fatal Instinct. In the opening credits, if you're a huge music fan, you may make note of a credit for Clarence 'Big Man' Clemons. Indeed, Clarence is in the movie and he's used in a terrific running gag in which Sean Young, playing a noir femme fatale named Lola Cain is followed everywhere she goes by her very own sultry sax solo played by Clarence Clemons. It's a very simple but very effective joke that pays off later in another famous musician cameo that gets a big laugh. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Documentary In the Court of King Crimson

In the Court of King Crimson: King Crimson at 50 (2023) 

Directed by Toby Amies 

Written by Documentary

Starring Robert Fripp, King Crimson 

Release Date November 3rd, 2023 

Published November 3rd, 2023 

Robert Fripp is a bit of a control freak. The leader turned ruler of the band King Crimson has ruled the band with an iron fist for more than 50 years. The new documentary, In the Court of King Crimson: King Crimson at 50, details Fripp's control freak nature, the bridges that Robert has burned with past members and the comfort Robert has developed with a group of musicians who've grown comfortable doing what Robert asks of them. I sound like I am being critical but I am truly not intending that. If the members of King Crimson are happy taking orders from Robert, and the result is the exotic and extraordinary music of King Crimson, who am I to complain about it. 

King Crimson formed in 1969 and were fractured within their first year of existence. Two of the original members, having tired of Robert's iron grip on the band, decided that life was too short to be under the rule of Robert and left. Robert chose their replacements and moved on. Every so often over the next next 50 years, Robert would choose new band members and when he tired of them, no matter how long they'd been with the band, he'd fire them and replace them. A telling story has one band member who became part of an iconic lineup for the band was unceremoniously let go after over a decade with the band. He was the lead singer at the time. 

King Crimson is like a constantly evolving musical experiment with Robert Fripp as the mad scientist. Having helped to define the notion of a prog-rock band, King Crimson toured and recorded for 50 years while developing a loyal and dedicated fanbase who don't seem to mind that Robert Fripp openly berates them during shows for occasionally distracting him. The band is famously private about their live shows and have gone to great lengths to punish anyone attempting to record their show or even grab a still photo of the band during a show. It sounds almost impossible in the day and age of the smartphone but its true, King Crimson concerts are a phone free environment. 

Fripp is prickly and fastidious but also fascinating. He claims to practice playing the guitar for 6 hours a day. Seated in his living room, Robert will noodle away on the guitar, following his muse wherever it takes him for hours on end. So yeah, he takes King Crimson very seriously and he has for the past 5 decades. This makes the music of King Crimson that much more fascinating as the band appears to spend a good deal of their live performances jamming and riffing off of whatever Robert decides to play. It's an improvisation highly reminiscent of Jazz fusion but with a classic rock edge. And it sounds incredible. 

I've not spent much time listening to King Crimson in my life, they don't have many singles and, because of their prog-rock style, they were rarely on the radio. Hit singles are hard to come by when your songs run on for endless runs, solos, and random sounds that Robert Fripp has collected and catalogued over 50 years, slipping these sounds seamlessly into King Crimson live performances via a large tower he keeps on stage next to him. The tower gets more time and care than any piece of equipment on stage because if it fails, there is no back up. If it goes, all of the sounds go with it. 

Find my full length review at Beat.Media