Movie Review: All About Steve

All About Steve (2009) 

Directed by Phil Traill

Written by Kim Barker

Starring Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper, Thomas Haden Church, Ken Jeong

Release Date September 4th, 2009

Published September 4th, 2009

You don't watch a movie like All About Steve as much as witness it. Like a crime in progress or a car accident, you were there, you were slightly traumatized and later, in a daze of disbelief, you recounted your experience to authorities. All About Steve is such a remarkably bad movie that it may actually be an insult to a car wreck to make the comparison.

All About Steve began life as a drama about a mentally challenged woman whose syndrome involves an obsession with crossword puzzles. Through a pity blind date she meets a man who was unaware that he was going out with a handicapped person. After being accosted by her, he tries to reject her in a way that spares her feelings. Instead, he stokes her fire and she begins a cross country trek to show her love for him.

It was to be a dramatic journey of self discovery for this spunky mentally challenged gal and a role that would deliver to whomever played it; a chance to show real dramatic range. Somewhere along the line things were derailed in a fashion that even Amtrak could not imagine.

OK, I was lying about the film's origin as a drama. As far as I know, All About Steve is everything its creators intended it to be. It is a broad, boneheaded, nonsensical romantic comedy about one crazy person chasing a sad wretch across state lines aided by people of similar diminished mental capacities. What anyone saw in this remarkably misguided screenplay is truly baffling. 

Sandra Bullock stars as Mary. She somehow subsists as a crossword puzzle creator. We are told that this is her only job and that she only publishes in one paper, once a week. If there is a newspaper in this country paying a crossword puzzle maker a living wage for one days work then I think we know why the papers are going out of business.

Mary has no social life. So, her meddling parents set her up on a blind date. This poor, doomed soul is Steve played by Bradley Cooper. Subjected to 10 minutes with Mary, in which she says about a million words and attempts to have sex with him, before they have even pulled away from the curb of her parents' home.

Steve blows her off nicely but saying he has to work and 'wishes she could come' he unwittingly sets himself on a path to disaster. Soon, Mary is fired from her job for somehow publishing an all Steve crossword (How did it get in the paper? All she did was drop it off? Did they fire all the editors but keep the type setter and and the wacko crossword chick? Logical questions are not welcome here.), Mary hits the road to follow Steve to work.

Work for Steve is as a cameraman for a fictional cable news outlet. His reporter pal, Thomas Haden Church, thinks Mary the stalker is a funny prank and encourages her by repeatedly telling her where the crew is headed next. Mary follows to a protest involving a baby with three legs, a hurricane/tornado and finally to a sinkhole that somehow swallowed several deaf children.

The three legged baby, if you don't get the joke already, is one of a number of juvenile jokes in this blisteringly stupid movie. A baby with three legs is the subject of protesters who want to the leg cut off and those who don't who then get to chant 'save the third leg'. If you need the joke explained maybe you are the audience for this movie.

Wildly moronic, utterly inept and a just plain disaster, All About Steve is not merely one of the worst films of 2009, it's a candidate for worst of the last decade. Poor Bradley Cooper seems absolutely lost in the morass of this idiocy. Sandra Bullock on the other hand indulges every last moronic twist.

I could almost recommend this bizarrely horrendous movie just for the explanation that Bullock as Mary gives for her blindingly red boots. It's a brief bit of dialogue but it is so astoundingly doltish that you can't help but indulge a condescending, ear splitting, gut laugh, not quite what the movie intended for this moment.

If I see a movie as bad as All About Steve again this year, I may have to quit the critic biz. There is a limit to the mindblowingly awful that one person can endure. I think I am safe. All About Steve sets such a high bar of badness it would be remarkable if anything could approach it.