Movie Review: The Twilight Saga Eclipse

The Twilight Saga Eclipse (2010) 

Directed by David Slade 

Written by Melissa Rosenberg

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Bryce Dallas Howard, Elizabeth Reaser

Release Date June 30th, 2010 

Published June 29th, 2010

The Twilight movies are about sex. Sex is why the Cullen family, and indeed all Vampires are so damned Gap model attractive. Sex is why Taylor Lautner’s Jacob, and the rest of his Wolf pack are shirtless for most of the movie. The denial of sex from Edward to Bella, from Bella to Jacob, is the driving force of the plot of the latest Twilight chapter “Eclipse” and it makes for one exceptionally irritating tease. Not to mention one truly irresponsible and outdated morality play.

As we rejoin the “Twilight Saga,” a young man in Seattle is being menaced in the rain. He is soon bitten and will become a Vampire, the first in an army of newborn Vamps under the control of the evil redhead Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard). She is building an army to attack the Cullen Clan and especially Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), the love of Victoria's mortal enemy Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson).

Bella and Edward, reunited after Edward tried to runaway in “New Moon,” are now in the full blossom of love, as demonstrated by the two of them reading poetry in a flowery meadow together. How else would you know they were in love? Bella is still pestering Edward about becoming a Vampire while Edward talks of marriage.

Meanwhile, Bella has drama with her pal Jacob, yet another of Edward's sworn enemies, who happens to also be in love with Bella. Bella has feelings for Jacob and this love triangle is supposed to be a source of deathly, primal, tension that smolders off of the screen but as written and played it comes off much more like two boys fighting over a favored toy.

Bella and Jacob haven't spoken in the months since she chose Edward over him but, when Victoria returns to their tiny corner of Washington State, Jacob wants to know that Bella is protected and that he and his wolf pack are ready to do the protecting if Edward and his vampires can't do it. Victoria’s army leads to a truce between the Cullen clan and the Wolf pack and some newborn vampire heads get crushed in the film’s best sequence.

The battle scenes staged by director David Slade have a crisp, professional look that was desperately lacking in the first two Twilight movies. Slade's experience on the vampire flick “30 Days of Night” definitely pays off here even as he is restrained by a bloodless PG-13 rating. Did you know that Vampires are made of marble? I’m not kidding, freaking marble, like tabletops. Goofy as that sounds, the visual of marble crushed by Vampire fist and Werewolf teeth is pretty cool.

As an action movie, this is certainly the best of the Twilight brand of action. But, “Twilight” is not about Vampires and Werewolves punching and biting one another in some CGI universe. No, “Twilight” is about sex, more to the point, it's about spreading a fear and loathing of sex. Stephanie Meyer has crafted a morality play in which Vampirism and the Werewolf version of eternal love, known as ‘Imprinting,’ are merely poorly veiled metaphors for sex. The pain of turning into a Vampire, the fear of Edward’s uncontrollable ‘blood’ lust and Jacob’s animal sexuality are Meyer’s way of making sex dangerous and foreboding.

In the “Twilight” series sex is threatening, mystical and frightening unless you are married. It’s the Purity Ring of movie franchises, clinging desperately to an outdated idea of chastity as the only way to live. Teens are sexually active and the more society attempts to frighten them away from sexuality the more dangerous teen experimentation becomes. Instead of teaching teens the joy of safe, responsible sex, “Twilight” preaches abstinence through fear and encourages ignorance in the form of outdated moralism.

If you must send this chastity/abstinence/purity message then at least do it better than this. In The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, the message is delivered with Ms. Meyer and screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg employing undercooked analogies, juvenile romantic fantasy, and groan inducing monologue that run page after page apparently communicating what the writers felt could not be communicated by the cast through that talent known as acting.

Like the first and second film in the saga, “Eclipse” is for fans only. Those who love the books are blind to the immature romance, the stolid monologues, and the attempt to push an abstinence message in the guise of a Vampire movie. I’m sure if Twi-hards would pull their eyes away from Edward’s gleaming skin or Jacob’s rippling abs they would see this series for what it is; but trust me that is never going to happen.

Movie Review: The Twilight Saga New Moon

The Twilight Saga New Moon (2009) 

Directed by Chris Weitz 

Written by Melissa Rosenberg

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Billy Burke, Kellen Lutz, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning, Anna Kendrick, Peter Facinelli 

Release Date November 20th, 2009 

Published November 19th, 2009

I am not a member of the cult of Stephanie Meyers. I have only skimmed her series of teen Vampire novels and I found what I did read to be insipid. Her faux- teen angst combined with proto-Shakespearean catchphrases barely serve to cover her puddle deep metaphors for chastity and purity. Sure, she's got Vampires and Werewolves but each is about as dangerous in Ms. Meyers' universe as feral cats. Never mind her complete disregard for decade’s worth of established Vampire lore. 

The movie made from her first book, Twilight, was made tolerable only through the earnest efforts of the talented lead actors Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Though they seemed as uncomfortable with Ms. Meyers goofball pseudo-romance as I was, they sold it like champs. Too bad they had to come back for a sequel.

When last we left preternaturally bummed out Vampire Edward and his beloved Bella they were sharing a moment at the Forks High School Prom. Since then Bella has been suffering nightmares that she believes can only be cured by becoming a Vampire herself. Edward declines, he likes her better not dead.

Things come to a head on Bella's 18th birthday when she cuts herself and is nearly devoured by Edward's family. Feeling guilty that he cannot protect Bella, Edward calls the whole thing off and disappears. A devastated, Bella then falls into the arms of her pal Jakob (Taylor Lautner). Too bad for Bella that Jakob too has a deep, dark, supernatural secret, he's a werewolf who kills Vampires. Ooooh, feel that tension rise?

I am supposed to believe there is tension there, I think. To tell the truth, New Moon, as crafted by directed by Chris Weitz, is such a shambles of mixed motivations, missing scenes and bizarrely edited dream sequences, it's a wonder I managed to feel anything but blind confusion. New Moon is not for the uninitiated. If you have not read the books and even if you have seen the first film, you will likely be at a loss to follow New Moon's many preposterous plot turns. Thankfully, I watched New Moon with a fan or I would have given up after the opening dream sequence or the second ghost Edward. Don't ask.

Fans of the books, I am told, will be exceptionally satisfied with New Moon. The fan I watched it with was in tears at one point from the giddy thrill of seeing her favorite scenes rendered before her eyes. She was also forced to explain things to the rest of us so often that she likely missed a few scenes. It didn't matter to her, the book lives in her brain.

Whither Mr. Pattinson and Ms. Stewart. The yeoman effort that carried them through Twilight is missing almost entirely in New Moon. Mr. Pattinson spits every piece lame dialogue through his clenched, sculpted jaw while Ms. Stewart plays with her hair and cries as her way of fighting through the morass of Stephanie Meyers' puddle deep metaphors and Bard-light dialogue. We get it Stephanie Meyers, Vampire bite equals sex. Sex before marriage means damnation. Blah, blah, blah. I have seen sixth grade school plays with more complex use of metaphor. Insipid representations aside, New Moon is a chore even without the dull witted moralizing.

The Twilight Saga New Moon is a new kind of modern blockbuster, a self reflexive movie meant only to appeal to people guaranteed to love it unconditionally. Fan, as we often must remind ourselves, is short for fanatic, and only a fanatic could so willingly overlook the glaring flaws of writer Stephanie Meyers and the movie made of her book New Moon.

Movie Review: Twilight

Twilight (2008) 

Directed by Catherine Hardwicke 

Written by Melissa Rosenberg 

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Anna Kendrick, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli

Release Date November 21st, 2008 

Published November 20th, 2008

I must first admit my ignorance of the Twilight phenomena. Not spending much time chatting with members of the tween set, having no teenage daughters, I was blissfully unaware of writer Stephanie Meyers anguished teen vampire romance series. Now that the series and movie have become inescapable the culture vulture in me has absorbed as much as I can about the series without resorting to actually reading the weighty tomes themselves. Does the overall ignorance of the book prevent me from offering fair insight of the movie? Hardly.

Freed of the need to refer back to the efficacy of book to movie I am able to judge the movie for what it is without the weight of the literary literalism that will, no doubt, arise within those who find Stephanie Meyers words sacred. Twilight is a loosely Shakespearean romance that lifts, as does much modern romance, from the Bard's Romeo and Juliet, a tale of tragic, agonized love. Edward Cullen is a shy, pasty faced young man with no friends in school. He hovers close to four equally pallid brothers and sisters and rejects the world around him.

Bella Swan is similar in ghostly appearance to Edward. Her pale whiteness an oddity as her character comes from the sun drenched deserts of Arizona. Nevertheless, Bella and Edward could bond over the necessity for sunscreen but they don't. Bella is also similarly afflicted with the need to avoid social interaction. Though she is adopted by a social group of boys and girls in her new school in Forks Washington, where this story plays out, Bella is never comfortable. Her elusive manner and general social discomfort are yet another bonding opportunity for she and Edward.

And bond they do. After nearly 2 acts worth of scenes of doubt and confusion, Edward and Bella admit they are destined to be together. Therein comes the major complication. Aware to us from the start, Bella is thusly introduced to Edward's deepest secret; he is a vampire. Moreover, her blood has a particular scent that drives him near frenzy. He fears that he cannot control the instinct to devour her but he cannot stay away from her either. For her part Bella is infatuated with Edward's stunning edifice. The kid is great looking. Add that face to his tortured poet manner and he is irresistible.

Now, if you can't follow the glaring metaphors, shining nearly as bright as Edward's diamond dust skin in the bright sunlight (I'll explain later), you really should pay closer attention. Meyers and now screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg, have crafted an allegory about sex, teens, hormones, abstinence and marriage. Lust, temptation and resistance are Twilight's true subjects. Vampires are merely the construct, an enticement to read more about the strength it takes to love but not make love. If Bella and Edward are anything more than lusty teens longing for a backseat or basement couch I'll eat my hat.

The dangers of the vampire are merely a representation of all that could go wrong should the teens indulge their urges. Edward could infect or even kill Bella if he allowed things to go to far. Indeed, Edward carries the burden of much of the metaphor, his being the dangerous condition. Bella is merely tempting and tempted.

The metonymy is fairly simpleminded and once you have sussed it out and discarded it as obvious; you are left with director Catherine Hardwicke and her exceptionally mediocre effort to give it cinematic life. Twilight the movie, beyond the metaphor, is a flabby, shabby effort of a mind numbing length and amateur special effects. Then there is absolute disregard for all that we know of vampires. Edward and his family walk in daylight. No burning skin, no running for cover, not even a passing reference to the need for sunscreen. Now, the Cullen clan does have issues with the sun but it's not a fiery death they fear.

Click here for my review

Movie Review Jumper

Jumper (2008) 

Directed by Doug Liman 

Written by David S. Goyer, Simon Kinberg, Jim Uhls 

Starring Hayden Christensen, Jamie Bell, Rachel Bilson, Kristen Stewart, Michael Rooker, Anna Sophia Robb, Diane Lane, Samuel L. Jackson 

Release Date February 14th, 2008

Published February 13th, 2008

David Rice (Hayden Christensen) can be anywhere he imagines in a moment's notice. Surfing in Hawaii, lunching atop the sphinx, or across his apartment without having to step around the coffee table, David has the ability "Jump" anywhere. It's a cool talent to have. David uses this unique talent to rob banks. Don't fret, he leaves IOU's. That is the premise of Jumper the latest from director Doug Liman starring the perpetually quivery Hayden Christenson.

As a teenager David Rice fell through the thin ice of a lake and was nearly killed. At the last moment he imagined the local library and was transported there. Slowly coming to grips with this new ability to go anywhere he wants with a single thought, David starts by using his new ability to escape his angry bitter father (Michael Rooker). Needing a getaway location, David takes off for New York and is soon robbing banks to finance a comfortable lifestyle. It is then that he meets Roland Cox (Samuel L. Jackson) who is some kind of supernatural cop. Roland explains the plot, David is a Jumper and Roland is a Paladin. Paladin's hunt Jumpers and kill them.

Narrowly escaping his paladin encounter, David meets a fellow Jumper named Griffin (Jamie Bell) and is warned that Paladins will kill everyone he has ever known in their attempt to find him. This leads David back home and to the girl who he left behind, Millie (Rachel Bilson). While David watches out for the Paladins, he and Millie rekindle their childhood romance. Once the Paladins arrive however, it kicks off a worldwide war between Jumpers and Paladins. 

It's not a bad comic book premise really. The problem is it's underdeveloped as a movie. The rules for Jumpers and Paladins are vague and are sloppily made up as the movie goes. along. Rules then are disregarded when the plot requires them to be. The idea is merely a hanger on which director Doug Liman and his effects team can hang a number of huge special effects shots and a travelogue of worldwide locations from Tokyo to London to Rome to whatever other touristy location a majority of the audience might recognize. The effects aren't bad, for the most part, but who cares. If I wanted to watch the world go by I would watch the Travel Channel.

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review In the Land of Women

In the Land of Women (2007) 

Directed by Jon Kasden 

Written by Jon Kasden 

Starring Adam Brody, Kristen Stewart, Meg Ryan, Olympia Dukakis, Makenzie Vega 

Release Date April 20th, 2007 

Published April 25th, 2007 

As a writer myself, I am naturally sympathetic to writers as characters. I was seduced by Sideways because Paul Giamatti's sad sack, unsuccessful novelist, hit just a little close to home. Barton Fink is an almost impenetrable piece; but for the writers of the world it's a work of uncompromising genius because it's about a writer.

So, I was destined to identify in some way with Adam Brody's Carter in the new movie In The Land of Women. As a heart broken writer myself, I can easily relate to the selfish, self loathing, self centered sadness that leads one to write either wondrous prose or sad pathetic trash. Carter's writing is left purposefully vague but the writer's angst is written on Brody's face in a star-making performance.

As Carter Webb; screenwriter for 'feature length softcore erotica', Adam Brody captures that writer's longing to take what has been so desperately percolating in his brain and communicate it to a world he just knows will understand its genius. In Carter's case it's a story about his time in a pricey private high school; far removed from the typical high school experiences of the John Hughes variety.

He's been trying to write this story for years but can't find the words. He will put this story further to the side when his actress girlfriend, Sophie (Elena Anaya), gets her big break and dumps him. Devastated and looking for an escape; Carter takes up an offer to care for his grandmother, Phyllis (Olympia Dukakis), in a tiny Michigan suburb; miles and miles away from his disappointments in Los Angeles.

On his arrival in Michigan Carter finds his grandmother living in filth and slightly demented. On the bright side; his neighbors are a fantastic group of women. There is Sarah (Meg Ryan), mother of two wonderful daughters and the wife of a louse who she knows, without actual evidence, is cheating on her. Smart and headstrong and more than a little quirky, Sarah is the first to befriend Carter when he moves in.

Sarah's daughter Lucy (Kristen Stewart) is equally resourceful and headstrong but far more impetuous than her mother. She takes on Carter after her mom asks her to take him to a movie. Lucy's little sister Paige (Mackenzie Vega), is a strange little thing, funny but just slightly off in every way. This quirky trio each bring Carter into their confidence for their own reasons and through them Carter finds some of the fulfillment his life was lacking.

If you aren't rolling your eyes at that description then you are quite generous. My description doesn't quite do justice to the more subtle pleasures of In The Land of Women. Don't get me wrong, my description is accurate, but thanks to a talented ensemble, the more ugh-worthy moments become palatable and the truly enjoyable moments will have you smiling till the end.

Jonathan Kasdan is the progeny of Hollywood royalty. His father, Lawrence Kasdan, directed Body Heat, The Big Chill and Grand Canyon. Brother Jake Kasdan is a rising star, writer and director in his own right; whose Zero Effect is an underappreciated gem. The pedigree gives Jonathan a professional edge and that professional edge is not just the rub of a famous family.

Jonathan is a legit talent, smart with his camera with a good sense of control over his storytelling. He needs to work on his pacing; at times In The Land of Women drags; nearly to a halt; but, for the most part, the good natured spirit and a very talented ensemble carries over the boring aspects. The story is a little ham-fisted thanks to a couple of truly melodramatic plot points, the disease of the week, and the conveniently evil spouse, but, with time, I'm sure, Jon Kasdan will eventually work out the kinks.

Like his director, Adam Brody is a legit talent. The kid languished for a few overly ironic seasons on TV's The O.C. Now with the yoke of weekly teen melodramatics off of his shoulders he really shows what a funny, sardonic and appealing actor he truly is. His Carter Webb is a lovable sort who has your sympathy from his first pathetic whimper to his final irony laced smile.

Reminiscent of a young Tom Hanks in the looks department, he could be the heir to the throne that Robert Downey Jr was never able to claim. Filling the void of the generation's sad comic voice, Brody is angst rendered in flesh with the perfect sardonic armor and just good looking enough to be appealing beyond his humor. Downey Jr. was set to become to the 80's teens what Brody could be to this upcoming generation, a hipster icon.

Against my better judgment, I liked much of In The Land of Women. The melodramatic elements can be a little irritating and overwrought, and the film drags a bit in the middle but the overall movie works. It works because Jon Kasdan is a director with a passionate voice and a genuine love of these characters and because of a tremendously talented ensemble lead by rising star Adam Brody and a strong comeback performance by the lovable Meg Ryan.

No need to wait for the DVD, take someone you like to see In The Land of Women.

Movie Review: Zathura

Zathura (2005) 

Directed by Jon Favreau 

Written by David Koepp, John Kamps

Starring Josh Hutcherson, Jonah Bobo, Dax Shepard, Kristen Stewart, Tim Robbins 

Release Date November 11th, 2005 

Published November 10th, 2005

It is one thing for Hollywood studios to slap together big, dumb, loud blockbusters for teens and adults. But when they extend that brainless genre to kids that is where we as an audience must draw the line. The new kid targeted adventure flick Zathura is a rarity for its kind: a big, dumb, loud action movie aimed at the pre-teen market.

Two bratty brothers, Walter (Josh Hutcherson) and Danny (Jonah Bobo), bicker and annoy one another until Danny discovers a unique board game in the basement of their dad's (Tim Robbins) house. The game, Zathura, is a 50's era space adventure, a metal gears and paint concoction that was likely the X-Box of it's time.

Danny the younger brother wants to play but older brother Walter just wants to watch Sportscenter. When Danny turns the key and presses a button to start the game Walter finds he will have to play whether he likes it or not. The game has shot the boys into space and the only way to get home is to finish the game before the various meteor showers, robot malfunctions, or bloodthirsty aliens finish them.

Along for the ride is the boys' sister, Lisa (Kristen Stewart), who was supposed to keep them out of trouble but because of the game, she now finds herself frozen in cryo-sleep, as one of the game cards helpfully explains. Also joining the boys for this adventure is an astronaut (Dax Shepard) who was lost in space some 15 years ago after he and his brother had played the game.

Directed by Jon Favreau, Zathura is a surprisingly bombastic and ridiculous exercise in over modulated special effects and a complete lack of subtlety. The light touch that Favreau brought to his last kiddie flick, the very funny Elf, has been replaced in Zathura by a sledgehammer, hammering into place a pair of unlikable, often nasty, child characters into a predictable plot that is desperately padded to reach a feature length run time.

Zathura was adapted by David Koepp from a short illustrated novel by Chris Van Allsburg. The padding is necessary because Van Allsburg's book is a far from feature length at a mere 32 pages. Many of those pages are filled only with Van Allsburg's lovely charcoal drawings. That does illustrate the challenge that Jon Favreau and David Koepp faced in this adaptation but it does not excuse the choice to make the characters insufferable little brats who push the plot forward with the worst decisions imaginable all while the entire movie shrieks and rumbles like a sugared up kindergarten class. 

The special effects in Zathura are the film's strong point. Jon Favreau creates a terrifically cartoonish outer space that is perfectly in line with a child's imagination. The robots and aliens are cool looking, with the robot also providing the films few moments of genuine laughter. If I have any issue with the aliens it's that they may be a little too scary for the young audience that is being sought after by Zathura.

Unfortunately, the weak points of Zathura are a group of unlikable, unendurable characters. The brothers bicker constantly and meanly and when they aren't bickering with each other they are bickering with their dad played by Tim Robbins in a forgettable cameo or they are bickering with their even less enjoyable sister played by Kristen Stewart. Are kids, especially young brothers, often at each other's throats? Yeah, maybe. Does that make me want to watch a movie about them being at each others throat's? No, especially when the film is supposed to be a fun filled space adventure.

The game plot of Zathura is a direct lift from Jumanji and that is not surprising as both are based on books by Chris Van Allsburg. The books were, in fact, sequels though in the movie there is no recognition of one to the other aside from essentially similar plots.  Where Jumanji succeeds and Zathura fails is in creating characters we like and enjoy spending time with. Robin Williams may have his moments of being cloying and pandering but he can always pull out a big joke here and there and when he's on he is one of the funniest actors in the business. Jumanji only has a few moments of the best of Robin Williams but I will take those few moments over just about anything in the laughless Zathura.

Where is the wonder of a trip to space? Where is the excitement of adventure? In Zathura we have nothing but kids running from loud explosions in between bursts of ugly brotherly spats. Couldn't we have just one scene where the kids enjoy the magic of space? I realize the astronaut has long since been replaced by the sports or TV celebrity in the imaginations of children but come on, space is space and what kid couldn't find being in outer space more important than fighting with their sibling?

Zathura is a frustrating 84 minutes of big, dumb, loud action, special effects and sibling rivalry. Most frustrating, however, is the missed potential of such an interesting plot and such an interesting director. Jon Favreau has the potential to be a very good director if he can develop his characters better than he does in Zathura. He has the right ideas in there but the wrong approach and thus Zathura is a less than stellar effort. Safe for kids between 10 and 13 who enjoy loud noises and big bright explosions Zathura certainly has an audience but it's an audience that would be better served with more attention to character than to how loud you can crank the volume before the speakers blow.

Movie Review: Adventureland

Adventureland (2009) 

Directed by Greg Mottola 

Written by Greg Mottola 

Starring Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg, Ryan Reynolds, Bill Hader, Matt Bush, Kristen Wiig, 

Release Date April 3rd, 2009 

Published April 2nd, 2009 

When one thinks of Superbad, the hit 2007 comedy from director Greg Mottola, the first word that comes to mind is not thoughtful. That word however, provides a strong description of Greg Mottola's two other directorial efforts. The Daytrippers, the film that brought Mottola to the attention of Hollywood decision makers, was a thoughtful and gentle comic road trip. Now comes Adventureland which, like Daytrippers, is thoughtful as well as gentle nostalgic, sentimental and romantic in its offbeat way.

Jesse Eisenberg stars in Adventureland as Brennen a soon to be New York college student who was  planning for a trip to Europe for the entire the summer before college. That was before his dad lost his job and Brennen lost his funding. Now, even college in New York is in question unless Brennan can start raising money on his own.

Being more of a thinker than a laborer, Brennen finds there is not much out there in the unskilled labor market. Thankfully, an old friend, Frigo (Matt Bush), is able to land him a gig at a local amusement park, Adventureland. Brennen will be in the games section where every contest is rigged and no one, NO ONE is allowed to win a big ass panda. These are the rules laid down by the park manager Bobby (Bill Hader) and his wife Paulette (Kristen Wiig).

With only the goal of making money on his mind, Brennen is shocked when he meets Em (Kristen Stewart) a thoughtful outcast not unlike himself. The two spark some romantic chemistry quickly but there are any number of complications that will keep them apart, not the least of which is Brennen's virgin status and Em's shall we say 'experience'. This isn't so much a boundary as a truth. You will find throughout this wonderful movie that truth is a default setting for these characters no matter how complicated that truth is.

Click here for my review