Movie Review: Freddy vs Jason

Freddy vs Jason (2003) 

Directed by Ronny Yu 

Written by Damian Shannon, Mark Swift

Starring Monica Keena, Kelly Rowland, Jason Ritter, Lochlyn Munro, Robert Englund, Evangeline Lilly 

Release Date August 15th, 2003 

Published August 14th, 2003 

The few people who stayed to the end of the god-awful Friday the 13th: Jason Goes To Hell were treated to a finale which saw Jason’s hockey mask pulled into the ground by Freddy’s glove. It was exactly what horror fans had been hoping for especially since Jason Goes To Hell was the first time Jason Voorhees had worked under the banner of New Line, also home to Freddy Krueger. Now ten years later the horror fan's wet dream is finally realized onscreen and under the direction of Ronny Yu, its everything a horror fan could have ever wanted.

It’s been a couple years since the people of Springwood have been terrorized by child-murderer Freddy Krueger who, thanks to tight-lipped parents and dream suppressing drugs, has been banished from memory. Never one to give up, Freddy searched the bowels of Hell and found a way to get back his children. The plan is to send the Crystal Lake killer Jason Voorhees to Elm Street to kill in a way that reminds everyone of Freddy.

Back on Elm Street, yet another hapless family has been talked into buying the house that Freddy has committed so much mayhem. It’s current residents are the Campbell family, daughter Lori (Monica Keena) and her Dad, Mom it seems died a mysterious death. This weekend Dad is out of town and Lori has her friends Kia (Kelli Rowland) and Gibb (Katherine Isabelle) over. Of course there is one or more unexpected guests as well, Gibb’s boyfriend and his buddy as well as a certain hockey mask wearing weirdo. This being the film’s first kill, it had to be memorable and a scene that many have called the craftmatic adjustable teen certainly fits the bill.

From there, the bodies begin to pile up, most of them at the macheted hand of Jason, something that really ticks off Freddy who desperately wants in on the bloodshed. Bloodshed is indeed the main component of this film and there are buckets of blood all over the place. Beheadings, crushings, heads twisted off bodies, all in good fun. Freddy and Jason also spill each other's blood which for a pair of dead guys they have a lot of blood.

The film’s special effects have improved greatly over each of the series previous outings thanks to the work of production designer John Willett and art director Ross Dempster as well as an excellent team of effects artists. Of course, the best effects are Freddy and Jason themselves. Robert Englund’s Freddy is as witty and quick as ever and newcomer Ken Kirzinger, who took over the role of Jason from Kane Hodder, is everything that Jason is supposed to be. It was said that Kirzinger was hired because of his sympathetic eyes, which is curious because Jason has only one eye.

Director Ronny Yu, considered by some to be Hong Kong’s top horror director because of his cult classic The Bride With White Hair, delivers not just another slasher flick but a stylish horror classic that combines the worst of both film series with a directorial flourish the raises the creative bar beyond anything either series has done before. And Yu has done it without sacrificing history, without losing what made people follow these to characters through some awful sequels.

Forget the bad acting from the film’s twenty something cast of victims, forget the numerous plot holes, Freddy vs. Jason is pure visceral fun and excitement that, at least for fans of the genre, is an absolute masterpiece. Blood soaked fun that delivers on it’s promise and hints at a future for this crossover series.

Movie Review SWAT

S.W.A.T (2003) 

Directed by Clark Johnson

Written by David Ayer, David McKenna

Starring Samuel L. Jackson, Colin Farrell, Jeremy Renner, L.L Cool J, Josh Charles, Michelle Rodriguez, Olivier Martinez 

Release Date August 8th, 2003

Published August 7th, 2003

Can anyone give me one plausible reason why this film is related to the 70's TV show indicated in its title? Other than that killer theme song that is. Outside of the song, there is no necessity to relate this movie to that lame Robert Urich lead TV serial, other than maybe to avoid the hassle of having to explain that they are not related. Why tie the film to this sinking lead weight of a 70's TV bomb? S.W.A.T only lasted one season on ABC. It's not as if remakes of 70's TV shows are guaranteed blockbusters. That only works when you can populate the lead roles with super hot babes like Charlie’s Angels.

Then again, maybe that is the theory here, but with reverse genders. Colin Farrell, LL Cool J and even Sam Jackson to a point could be considered eye candy for the ladies. That said you could do that without the TV connection. So we are back to my original question. Regardless of the TV connection or the eye candy, S.W.A.T. as directed by cop show vet Clark Johnson is a somewhat competent action movie/police procedural.

Colin Farrell stars as Jim Streets, the same role as Bobby Urich on TV but the comparison ends there. Streets is a swat team member who joins his fellow teammates at the site of a bank robbery. It's a nightmare scenario that evokes memories of a real life incident in Brentwood, California just last year where two heavily armed men shot it out with police in broad daylight, a scenario they were rumored to have cribbed from the Michael Mann’s Heat. Call it art imitating life, imitating art.

Anyway, Street and his partner Gamble (Jeremy Renner) are deployed on the roof and gain access to the hostages being held by two more armed men inside the bank. Despite being told to wait, Street and Gamble make a move and put down the bad guys and save the hostages. Unfortunately one hostage is wounded during the rescue and the boys are rewarded with a demotion for Street and firing for Gamble who pulled the trigger.

Cut to six months later, Street is stuck cleaning guns amongst other of the worst jobs a cop can do and still be a cop. Things change though when an ex swat leader named Hondo Harrelson (Jackson) returns from retirement. Hondo's gig is to help the LAPD remake its image by assembling a top-notch new SWAT team, a team more competent and efficient than ever before. Hondo's first choice is Street, but not before he jumps through some hoops and watches the rest of the team come together. The recruits are Deke (LL Cool J), Sanchez (Michele Rodriguez), McCabe (Sports Night's Josh Charles) and Boxer (Brian Van Holt).

There’s a couple of montages of the personal lives and training sequences and one very well choreographed training sequence set on a decommissioned airplane. We then move headlong into the main plot of the film which is the transfer of a high profile prisoner, an international drug runner named Montel (Olivier Martinez). Sounds easy, and it would have been except Montel has, through the throng of media covering his shootout with police and eventual arrest, offered 100 million bucks to anyone who can get him out of police custody and back home to France.

What's surprising is that despite the typicality of the stunts featured in the film’s trailer, S.W.A.T. unfolds very logically from the opening hostage sequence to the training all the way to the final gun battles. Director Clark Johnson makes even the biggest stunt sequences that have never been seen in real life seem perfectly plausible in the context of the film. Though I must quibble with the drug dealers who happen to have rocket launchers laying around just in case they have to break a rich guy out of jail for 100 million dollars. Hey, that is why we have the willing suspension of disbelief?

Almost everything in S.W.A.T. is pro quality, especially the casting which smartly unites a number of recognizable faces both well known and the type that you know you've seen before but you've never known the name. The cast makes any of the rough spots of the film easier to take because we like the actors. Each actor is very sympathetic to the audience.

However, despite all that I liked about S.W.A.T., the film has two massive, nearly unforgivable flaws. One is its ending which goes ten minutes too long. The other is one massive lapse in the otherwise impeccably logical flow of the film. There is a decision made by one character that calls that character's sanity into question. It's a decision that is so highly illogical that it renders what comes after it ridiculous. It's one of those moments where if the character makes the right decision, the one that is obvious to everyone but him, the film would be over right then. If you can't fix a logical hole better than this, don't make the movie.

For most of the time S.W.A.T. is a suspenseful, action filled thriller. It's a rare actioner with a logical narrative thrust to it. Until, of course, the demons of film shorthand step in and ruin everything. It's a shame because there are elements of a pretty good movie sprinkled throughout this otherwise dreary television retread. 

Movie Review: Freaky Friday

Freaky Friday (2003) 

Directed by Mark Waters 

Written by Heather Hach, Leslie Dixon

Starring Lindsay Lohan, Jamie Lee Curtis, Harold Gould, Chad Michael Murray, Mark Harmon

Release Date August 6th, 2003 

Published August 6th, 2003 

1976's Freaky Friday preceded a craze for body switching movies in the 1980's. Remember Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold in Vice Versa? George Burns and Charlie Schlatter in 18 Again? And horror of horrors Kirk Cameron and Dudley Moore in Like Father Like Son. Most recently Rob Schneider pulled off the trick in The Hot Chick. So, history was solidly against the new Freaky Friday starring Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsey Lohan.

Dr. Tess Coleman (Curtis) seems to have everything in her life working like clockwork, a thriving psychiatric practice, a book deal and her fiancé Ryan (Mark Harmon). Everything is good except for her difficult teen daughter Anna (Lohan) who is struggling in school, dresses from a thrift store and spends her time playing in a rock band in the family garage.

Anna is also unhappy about Tess's fiancé and upcoming wedding. Unfortunately, Tess is too busy to notice. Everything finally comes to a head between mother and daughter when Anna asks to skip the wedding rehearsal to play in a battle of the bands. Mom says no, leading to a screaming match at a Chinese restaurant. The mother of the owner of the restaurant is one of those oddly beatific old Asian women that exist only in Hollywood to dispense supernatural advice and/or meddling. In this case, the old women uses some mystical fortune cookies to teach mother and daughter how difficult each other’s lives are.

The next morning, the freaky Friday of the title, Mom and daughter have switched bodies and it couldn't happen at a worse time. Anna has an important test and a burgeoning flirtation with a boy that mom would not approve of, Jake played by Jake Murray. Meanwhile, Mom has a patient she absolutely must see and a big surprise from Ryan, who also is her book editor. After visiting the restaurant again and consulting the fortunes from the cookies, they find that the only way to reverse the switch is through learning to understand each other.

That may sound hokey, and it is, but Director Mark S. Waters has some surprises along the way that leaven the potential after-school special moments. A funny script by first timer Heather Hach and two excellent lead actresses help Waters deliver a family movie that avoids the treacly pitfalls of most non-animated family films.

Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday has the best role she's had since True Lies and she tears into it with the same fervor and imagination. She shifts from uptight adult to slacker teen in a perfectly natural manner. Unlike a Judge Reinhold or Dudley Moore from those awful 80's body switch movies, Curtis never embarrasses herself. There are a couple of uncomfortable over the top moments but considering the circumstance of the story that’s easily forgiven. As for Lohan, she doesn't pull of the switch quite as well as Curtis but she is game enough to get through the rough spots and earns and maintains audience sympathy through the body swap and back.

I honestly expected to hate this film, not just based on the history of films with similar stories, but also because it's yet another Disney retread. Whether it's recycling their theme park rides or betraying their animated library with awful straight to video sequels, Disney has shown a distinct lack of creativity. However, that lack of new ideas has yielded Pirates of the Caribbean, possibly the summers best film, and now this remake. Freaky Friday is a surprisingly, or maybe even shockingly, funny family film. It's seems Disney at least has the brains to hire creative people even if the ideas and stories are less than creative.

Movie Review American Wedding

American Wedding (2003) 

Directed by Jesse Dylan 

Written by Adam Herz

Starring Jason Biggs, Allyson Hannigan, Seann William Scott, January Jones, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Fred Willard, Eugene Levy

Release Date August 1st, 2003 

Published July 31st, 2003 

The first American Pie movie flew in under the radar in the summer of 1999 and with it's combination of sweetness and sickening humor charmed teenage audiences to the tune of well over 100 million dollars. The second film was not at all a surprise when it became a hit at the box office, but was surprising because it also managed to balance the sweet and sick as well as the original. Now comes American Wedding and you might think there is no way writer Adam Herz can do it for a third time but he does, a sweet sick, funny movie that while not as consistently funny as it's predecessors is still a disgusting, funny movie with a good heart.

Wedding finds our hero Jim Levenstein (Jason Biggs) just out of college and preparing to ask his girlfriend Michele to marry him. However in typical American Pie fashion things go horribly awry in Jim's restaurant proposal. Jim's penchant for very public humiliation finds him with his pants down, Michele under the table and his Dad (Eugene Levy) accidentally popping the question for him. Despite it all Michele agrees to marry him and were off.

Back for the sequel are Jim's friends Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) and Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas). There job in the wedding will be to make sure their nemesis Steve Stifler (Seann William Scott) is kept as far away as possible. They fail that mission miserably and it's not long before the Stifmeister has worked his way into the wedding party and into the good graces of Michele's virginal sister Cadence (January Jones).

The amazing thing about this film series is this endlessly appealing cast. It's one of the great quirks of filmmaking that the producers of the American Pie films have lucked into one of the best casts ever. Each cast member is so likable that no matter how outrageous or stupid their exploits become we in the audience will forgive them anything. Jason Biggs is especially appealing as Jim. From the beginning Jim's haplessness has earned our sympathy, his every humiliation bringing him closer to the audience. Our embarrassment for Jim makes us cheer for him ever more to succeed in the end and Biggs is perfectly cast.

Thomas and Nicholas are somewhat shortshrifted in American Wedding, the plot doesn't leave them much to do other than observe, especially Nicholas who disappears numerous times throughout the film. Alyson Hannigan's role also seems slightly underwritten but in her scenes she like the rest of the cast is endlessly sympathetic and lovable.

Where the first two American Pie films could be considered ensemble works American Wedding is clearly lead by Biggs and Sean William Scott's iconic Stifler. The raging ID Stifler is in full on personality overload. Scott mugs and preens like Jim Carrey on crack. Stifler hasn't aged one day past junior high school and his hijinks are the films high and low points. If you thought Stifler beer and semen cocktail from the first film was bad, or his urine bath in number two, just wait til you see his homage to John Waters in American Wedding.

Missing from this sequel are Mena Suvari, Chris Klein, Natasha Lyonne, Shannon Elizabeth and Tara Reid and that their MIA status isn't even eluded to is one of the films few major problems for those of us who have invested in this franchise. That said the remaining cast is strong enough to carry on without them and they are helped out greatly by newcomer January Jones who helps to fill in the babe gap left by Reid and the rest.

The films staging and logic isn't as strong as the first two films. There are times when the film feels like less than a narrative or more like a series of sit comic sketches. That said, the key to American Wedding are these beloved characters and whatever the film lacks in cohesiveness is easily forgiven for the chance to hang out with these funny and memorable characters that some of us have grown up alongside during the American Pie franchise. 

Sometimes, a little goodwill goes A LONG WAY. 

Movie Review Spy Kids 3D Game Over

Spy Kids 3D Game Over (2003) 

Directed by Robert Rodriguez 

Written by Robert Rodriguez

Starring Darryl Sabara, Antonio Banderas, Carla Gugino, Alexa Vega, Ricardo Montalban, Sylvester Stallone, Mike Judge 

Release Date July 25th, 2003 

Published July 26th, 2003 

Robert Rodriguez's original Spy Kids was an ingenious marriage of kids movies and James Bond action-fantasy. It was safe enough for kids with just enough to appeal to parents and with its low budget, was a huge box office hit. The second film was slightly less successful in its appeal to wide audiences as well as box office, but was still a big enough hit to justify another sequel. That sequel is a gimmicky jump into the realm of video games, Spy Kids 3D.

You may remember 3D, the failed experiment from the 1950's and 60's that was last used to try and revive the Nightmare On Elm Street horror franchise. That film was also produced by Dimension films so maybe they just had a bunch of those glasses just laying around and that inspired them to do this. Whatever the inspiration, it was a bad idea when it was first used and with the advances in technology these days, it's a bad idea in Spy Kids 3.

As we join the story, Juni Cortes (Daryl Sabara) has quit being a secret agent and is now a small-time private investigator solving cases about missing dollies for a buck apiece. All the while his former spy bosses are trying to get him to come back and help on an important case. Juni's sister Carmen (Alexa Vega) has been taken hostage inside a video game called Game Over.

When Juni hears that his sister is in trouble, he returns to save her and joins her inside the game. Once inside it's time to put on our 3D glasses and watch as Juni battles fellow game players in games that resemble Tron crossed with Robot Jox. Juni, with the help of some other kids trapped in the game, go in search of Carmen and a way out of the game. They must also figure a way to shut down the game without releasing its maniacal creator, the Toymaker (Sly Stallone), who has been imprisoned inside the game world for years. Toymaker is holding Carmen hostage and hopes to use her to get himself out.

Also helping Juni is his grandfather (Ricardo Montalban), a former secret agent who was left in a wheelchair because of the Toymaker. In the game world though Grandpa can walk, run and fight crime like he used to. Juni and Carmen's parents, played by Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino, are nowhere to be found until a quick cameo near the end of the film. Also in cameos are a number of well-known stars George Clooney, Alan Cumming, Mike Judge, Cheech Marin and Salma Hayek. Most surprising is a cameo by Elijah Wood that was met by a surprisingly loud cheer. The cameos are the film's most appealing moments.

The 3D is an unnecessary and highly annoying gimmick, I had a headache from the first time I put on the glasses all the way to the end of the film. However, what's worse is the film’s trite family movie cliches. Where the first two Spy Kids movies were like cinematic cotton candy, Spy Kids 3D is brussel sprouts. Good for you but not very tasty. The film is filled beginning to end with after school special messages about teamwork, family, tolerance and forgiveness.

That's all well and good if it's couched in an entertaining story but Spy Kids 3D doesn't have a story. It has cheesy 3D environments that have long been rendered useless by the advances in computer technology. The CGI characters in films like Shrek and Finding Nemo are far more impressive than anything ever done with 3D. I would rather see Spy Kids in computer animation than the ugly 3D environments created for Spy Kids 3D.

Maybe director Robert Rodriguez was too distracted with his next film Once Upon A Time in Mexico to worry about making Spy Kids 3D. You can see from Mexico's stellar trailer that that film had his full attention. Spy Kids 3D is a throwaway gimmick sequel to a series that hopefully has seen its final adventure.

Movie Review Seabiscuit

Seabiscuit (2003) 

Directed by Gary Ross

Written by Gary Ross

Starring Tobey Maguire, Jeff Bridges, Chris Cooper, Elizabeth Banks, Gary Stevens, William H. Macy

Release Date July 25th, 2003 

Published July 24th, 2003 

The first trailers for Seabiscuit came in late January/early February and were not well received. They looked kind of dopey and sappy, like every other horse movie ever made. It didn't help that Tobey Maguire evoked the same winsomeness that made The Cider House Rules so relentlessly dull. It also didn’t help that the film was directed by the same guy who made Pleasantville a beat you over the head message movie, Gary Ross.

Subsequent trailers have managed to rehab the film’s image into that of the first Oscar contender of the year and that is somewhat accurate. Despite a number of reservations, I wouldn't be surprised to see Seabiscuit come roaring down the stretch in late February at the Oscars.

Adapted from Laura Hillenbrand’s surprise best seller, Seabiscuit relates the rise of a racehorse with the resurgence of an America in the wake of The Depression. Tobey Maguire stars as Red Pollard, a jockey and part time boxer who was sold by his parents to a horse stable after his parents lost everything in the market crash. Red grew up bouncing from race track to race track working in stables and riding in races while at night getting his butt whooped in bar room brawls. In one fight in Mexico, Red is beaten so badly he loses sight in one eye.

Parallel to Red's story is that of a bicycle salesman named Charles Howard who moved out west to find his fortune selling bikes in mining towns. One day a man asks Charles if he could fix a car, and though he's never done it before, Howard is ingenious enough to figure it out and in so doing found his true calling. Seeing the rise of the automobile, Howard opens the very first Western car dealership and becomes a millionaire. Though Howard was one of the lucky people who survived the market crash, his life was not immune to tragedy. While working at his dealership one day, Howard found that his young son Sean had died after borrowing one of dad's cars to go fishing. The death of his son was also the end of his first marriage.

Looking for ways to cope with these dual tragedies, Howard heads to Mexico where he meets a strange old horse trainer named Tom Smith. An old time cowboy, Smith still sleeps under the stars and trains horses not just to run races. He simply loves horses regardless of their abilities. Howard and Smith then look for a horse to run in races and find a real nag. An undersized, intemperate sire of a Triple Crown winner, named Seabiscuit. For a jockey they find the only man who wasn't afraid to ride the angry Seabiscuit, Red Pollard, and soon the too short horse with a too large jockey is running and winning every race.

The main story arc of the film is Howard's attempt to entice the owner of Triple Crown winner War Admiral into a match race with Seabiscuit. While the film posits the match up as a David and Goliath story, I couldn't help but see it as an ego contest between two rich guys at a time when people were starving. Call me cynical if you like, but as the owner of War Admiral and Howard negotiate the terms of the big race while sitting in a New York country club, I couldn't help but imagine the number of people in line for soup just down the road from them. I couldn’t help but think how truly insignificant a horse race is. 

I realize that the race was in reality very inspiring to poor Americans coming out of The Depression but in reality, they were watching one massive ego battle between two rich guys. I guess I can't feel sorry for the number of poor people who threw in their last quarter to sit in the infield to watch the match race, they gave their money willingly. However, at a time of such poverty should there have been a charge to see this race, especially when the money raised all went into the pockets of the already very rich owners? I realize politics has no place in this film’s glossy repainting of its period but if you're going to tie your story to the rebirth of the country, it's fair to take a more realistic look at this idealized story.

All that said, Seabiscuit from a filmmaking standpoint is a very competent professional production. Ross may present a glossed over version of reality but it's a beautiful rendering of said gloss. Seabiscuit is visually very well produced and far better than Ross' previous effort, the annoyingly overwrought message picture Pleasantville.

The performances in Seabiscuit are where its award chances are, especially the supporting performance from William H. Macy as the cartoony comic relief race announcer Tick Tock Mcglaughlin. As always, Jeff Bridges is outstanding and once again shows why he is the most underappreciated actor in Hollywood. Of course, Tobey Maguire is the film’s lead and though I find his dewy-eyed innocence routine somewhat grating, I don't think it's entirely his fault. The script betrays him in the hero department, painting Red as an innocent kid even as he grows into a man living in Mexico, dallying with prostitutes and fighting in bars.

Chris Cooper delivers yet another solid performance and though it may not be as memorable as his Oscar winning turn in Adaptation, it underscores his amazing range. Finally, some praise for real-life jockey Gary Stevens who plays Red's best friend and rival, George Woolf. Stevens delivers a very relaxed and real performance and his riding ability of course is well showcased in the film’s very well orchestrated racing scenes.

There are a number of good things about Seabiscuit, especially its acting. However, the falseness of the re-imagined reality of the period continues to nag at me and thus the impact of the film’s centerpiece, the match race between Seabiscuit and War Admiral, felt hollow to me. I just can't cheer what amounts to an ego contest between two rich guys no matter how athletic and beautiful the horses may be.

Movie Review Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life

Lara Croft Tomb Raider The Cradle of Life 

Directed by Jan De Bont

Written by Dean Georgaris 

Starring Angelina Jolie, Gerard Butler, Noah Taylor, Ciaran Hinds, Djimon Hounsou, Til Schweiger 

Release Date July 25th, 2003

Published July 24th, 2003 

The first Tomb Raider, directed by action hack Simon West, was typical Hollywood action. Big, dumb and loud. That the film was even mildly watchable can only be attributed to its star, the charismatic, sexy Angelina Jolie. Despite the underperformance of the film at the box office, Paramount locked into a sequel even before the first film was completed. Enter director Jan De Bont, master of the big, dumb, loud action picture and what you get is another dull exercise in Hollywood action movie-making with another performance by Angelina Jolie that is the film’s only strong point.

Lady Croft is back in tomb raiding mode after an earthquake off the coast of Greece opens an underwater tomb that once belonged to Alexander the Great. Croft, with a pair of assistants, raids the tomb and finds a number of valuable artifacts. Most important to Lara is a glowing orb of indeterminate origin. Croft doesn't get much of a chance to investigate it as she and her assistants are attacked by members of a Chinese gang who steal the orb and leave Croft for dead.

Naturally Lara escapes and with the help of British intelligence learns that the gang members were working on behalf of the world’s most wanted terrorist, a former Nobel prize winning scientist named Jonathan Reiss. The orb that Reiss is purchasing from the gang members is actually a map that leads to the most dangerous weapons in the world, Pandora's Box.

It's Lara's mission to steal the orb from the Chinese gang before they can sell it to Reiss but to do that she needs the help of an ex-flame and former army colonel named Terry Sheridan. However, Sheridan will need to be sprung from prison before he can help. Sheridan is in jail in Russia after betraying his troops and selling secrets to an unnamed enemy. The past between Sheridan and Lara as well as Sheridan's treachery add an interesting level to the partnership and Jolie and Butler have a good chemistry.

All of that setup takes a while and even as it happens, we are treated to a number of big, dumb, loud action scenes. The tomb that once belonged to Alexander The Great is completely destroyed in Lara's shootout with gang members. This sequence features some God-awful effects. Especially bad is a scene where Lara climbs a large stone likeness of Alexander to get to the glowing orb. Lara is obviously not Angelina Jolie or even a stunt double. 

It looked to me as though it were the CGI video game Lara Croft. The action sequence that followed the fight and the destruction of the tomb is just as bad as Lara cuts her arm to attract a shark, which she then punches in the face and rides to the surface. It would have been more appropriate had Lara jumped the shark. Once on the surface Lara finds her boat has been sunk and she is left floating on a piece of it for three days, the cut on her arm and the sharks conveniently forgotten.

From there it's more big, dumb action. Bullets are fired at a rate that would make our military blush and more bad CGI stunt sequences test the patience of attentive audience members. The film’s most unintentionally funny moment happens when a camera travels over the ocean, a chuckle-inducing reminder of De Bont's Speed 2.

The only appealing aspect of Tomb Raider is star Angelina Jolie. The star is the only person involved in the film who isn't on autopilot. Her charisma is undeniable and can't be reigned in by the weak script and weaker action. Her co-star Gerard Butler wakes up occasionally to spark some sexual chemistry with Jolie but he is too busy auditioning to be the next James Bond to become a fully fleshed out character in Tomb Raider. Jolie's real co-star is that silver bodysuit she wears in the underwater tomb sequence, a wardrobe piece that will fuel the fantasies of teenage boys for years to come.

For all of Jolie's effort, she never really had a chance. The producers of Tomb Raider 2 wanted a by the numbers action movie that capitalized on the video game’s built in appeal and they got it. Just like the original Tomb Raider, the sequel hits all the usual action beats that are familiar to audiences. Paramount pictures will likely get exactly the results they were looking for from Tomb Raider 2. (Ed. Note – They didn’t, much to your pleasure)