Movie Review Vampire Academy

Vampire Academy 

Directed by Mark Water 

Written by Daniel Waters 

Starring Zoey Deutch, Lucy Fry, Joely Richardson, Gabriel Byrne 

Release Date February 7th, 2014 

Budget $30 million dollars 

Box Office $15 million dollars 

Rotten Tomatoes 17% 

Vampire Academy exists simply as a marketing concern. Sure, the film is based on a series of successful young adult novels, but the reality is much crasser in nature. The makers of Vampire Academy have no real interest in the books; they're inherent appeal or doing justice to why the books became successful. No, Vampire Academy exists because somewhere in Hollywood someone saw the books, heard they were set in a school for Vampires, and got the idea for the awful tagline "They 'Suck' at School." Hey-o!

Vampire Academy supposedly tells the story of two best friends who attend a school where one is trained to protect the Vampire high class, and the other is part of the Vampire high class. Zoey Deutch stars as Rose, a Dhampir, and a protector of the Vampire high class known as the Moroi. Rose's best friend is the future Moroi Queen, Lissa (Lucy Fry). Together the two have formed a psychic bond that allows Rose to read Lissa's thoughts and even see through her eyes as narratively convenient a talent as I've ever heard one.

There is a third class of Vampire called the Strigoi, a race of killers who briefly give the film a dangerous life. Unfortunately, the Strigoi don't really matter unless there is a sequel. Yes, Vampire Academy is so wildly, cluelessly, market-driven that the most interesting narrative complication is one built solely to create the chance of another cluelessly market driven idiot movie.

There isn't a single genuine moment in Vampire Academy. Every empty scene evokes an attempt to appeal to a fictional youth market devoid of the conscience needed to know they are being marketed to without consideration of taste or intelligence. And in case you don't believe me, just check out the brooding Robert Pattinson look-alike, Dominic Sherwood, the filmmaker, cast in the role of one of the girls' love interests and tell me that wasn't a calculated decision.

Vampire Academy isn't a movie; it's a 90 plus minute commercial for itself. Each scene is trailer ready; every line of dialogue intended to explain things you should be able to understand out of sheer scene construction. Maybe the filmmakers are assuming you're not very bright simply because you decided to see this movie. Maybe they're right.

Movie Review The Monuments Men

The Monuments Men 

Directed by George Clooney

Written by George Clooney, Grant Heslov  

Starring George Clooney, Matt Damon, John Goodman, Cate Blanchett

Released February 7th, 2014

Budget $91 million 

Box Office $156 million 

Rotten Tomatoes 30% 

The Monuments Men first popped on people's radar when George Clooney announced that the film would not remain in Academy Award contention in 2013. According to Clooney and the studio, filming went into overtime and reshoots were needed, causing the studio to abandon the initial December release date and forgo any last-minute Academy screening.

I wanted to believe that this was the case as I was really hoping The Monuments Men would be as good as the early Oscar buzz indicated. Sadly, having now seen The Monuments Men I can report that it is far from an Oscar contender. Don't be mistaken, the film is not bad. Rather, it's just not an Academy Award level movie despite the Academy Award level talents of Mr. Clooney and co-stars Matt Damon, Jean Dujardin, John Goodman and future Oscar winner (wishful thinking) Bill Murray.

The Monuments Men tells the mostly true story of Art Historians, Architects and Scholars, drafted into the fight to save Europe's great historic treasures in the wake of World War 2. At the time their mission began Adolph Hitler had begun stealing art from collectors across the continent for the purpose of hanging them in his new Fuhrer Museum. As the film progresses however, and Hitler's Germany begins to fall, it becomes a race against time to stop Hitler from destroying the treasures he stole.

There is a great movie to be made of this material, but The Monuments Men is not that movie. Now, I understand that the preceding line implies The Monuments Men isn't a very good movie but in fact it's a rather pleasant film with a minor sense of humor and a deep respect for the mission undertaken by the real life 'Monuments Men.' Unfortunately, the film isn't as interesting as the idea of the film. The editing is sloppy, at times muddling the timeline of the film, and the ending is jarringly abrupt. 

The casting of The Monuments Men may be the film's biggest challenge and failure. The dream team casting of Clooney, Damon, Dujardin, Goodman and Murray created expectations that the film simply could not match. There is a strong corollary to an NBA All Star team. Yes, you have the greatest players in the game on the court together, but no REAL game is being played. It’s as if Clooney and writing partner Grant Heslov felt they had finished the movie simply by assembling the perfect cast. 

The casting of The Monuments Men creates an expectation of greatness that the film simply cannot match. Casting Goodman and Murray implies good humor with an edge of poignancy. Casting Clooney and Damon in a big ensemble evokes the 'Ocean's' movies and a sense of funny camaraderie. Unfortunately, The Monuments Men is never played for laughs even as the cast could get those laughs and still pay respect to the danger of a World War 2 story.

Instead of the movie we think we should get, a poignant comedy about the literal defense of art and culture, we get a dutiful drama that tells a worthy story of heroism without much flavor or insight. The film is respectful to a fault and avoids the humor these actors could create in an effort to remain respectful of the war and the mission. This leaves a rather bloodless, occasionally sloppy, effort that is difficult to dismiss as bad but certainly not worthy of a full critical recommendation.

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Movie Review Bob Marley One Love

Bob Marley One Love (2024) 

Directed by Reinaldo Marcus Green

Screenplay by Terence Winter, Frank E. Flowers, Zach Raylin, Reinaldo Marcus Green

Starring Kingsley Ben-Adir, Lashana Lynch, James Norton

Release Date February 14th, 2024 

Published 

You can tell that Bob Marley One Love has four different credited screenwriters. The film has the chaotic feel of too many cooks in the kitchen. That's not to say that this is a bad movie, as music industry biopics go, this is among the better ones. Rather, it's just an observation of the style and tone of the movie which seems to shift gears oddly. You can sense a herky jerky quality of visions for the story changing and merging, and ideas not entirely cohering. The chaos comes however, in a haze of marijuana smoke and good vibes that prove to a saving grace. 

Bob Marley One Love stars Kingsley Ben-Adir as musician, radical, and revolutionary, Bob Marley. A star beloved around the world, Marley once wielded so much power that warring factions of Jamaica's would be leaders, vied for his attention, alternately threatening and offering to protect Marley from harm. All the while, Marley asks for none of this responsibility, accepting the kind offers from both sides while naively hoping that he can bring the two sides together by the sheer force of good vibes. Bob Marley One Love portrays the star as a man overwhelmed by wielding far more power than he deserves and a desperate ache for peace for himself and the people who have raised him to such a position of power in his home country. 

Capturing the contradictions of Bob Marley is actor Kingsley Ben-Adir who has a knack for playing historic figures who died before their time. Just a few years ago, Ben-Adir gave a stirring performance as Malcolm X in the movie One Night in Miami, a stagy but compelling based on a true story drama about Malcolm trying to recruit Muhammad Ali, Jim Brown, and Sam Cooke, to rally together and use their collective star power in the fight for Civil Rights. In that film, Ben-Adir's casual charisma took a bit of the edge off of Malcolm X, making him feel real and human versus the outsized radical reputation assigned to him by a society seeking to blunt his influence. 

Find my  full length review linked here. 

Movie Review Waiting for Dali

Waiting for Dali (2024) 

Directed by David Pujol

Written by David Pujol, Miguel Garcia Navarette

Starring Jose Garcia, Ivan Massague, Clara Ponsot

Release Date June 18th, 2024

Published June 18th, 2024

The story of Waiting for Dali begins in Barcelona, Spain, in 1974 with a revolution in progress. Workers at a local restaurant have joined a revolution against the Spanish government and are now facing persecution.  Albert0 (Pol Lopez) and his brother, the second top chef at their restaurant, Fernando (Ivan Massague), have no choice but to turn to a mutual friend and fellow revolutionary, Francois (Nicholas Cazale) for help. 

Francois's plan has the trio travel to the small Spanish village of Cadaques where Alberto and Fernando will have to swallow their pride and take work in a kitchen that is not under their leadership. It's an especially big step down for Fernando who was making a name for himself as a French cuisine expert in Barcelona. Now, he's a prep cook at a seaside restaurant called El Surreal. The owner, Jules (Jose Garcia), built the restaurant solely on the hope that one day he might get the famed artist, Salvador Dali to eat there.

Cadaques in 1974 was centered entirely around Salvador Dali who chose the town as his home. Dali's blessing was a make-or-break proposition for any business in town. Thus, when Jules opened his seaside restaurant, he hung his hopes on getting Dali to eat there. Each day, Jules ventures into the main part of town in hope of getting the famed artist to take his menu or try some free food. And each time, he's unable to get anywhere near Dali. Much to his dismay. 

Find my full-length review linked here. 

Movie Review Longlegs

 Longlegs (2024) 

Directed by Osgood Perkins 

Written by Osgood Perkins 

Starring Maika Monroe, Nicolas Cage, Alicia Witt, Blair Underwood 

Release Date July 12th, 2024 

Published July 12th, 2024 

If you haven't seen the movie Longlegs yet, I recommend seeing it before you read this review. Not because I plan on having spoilers in this review. Rather, it's because Longlegs is a great movie to go into not knowing much about it. The less you know about Longlegs, the more shocking, scary, and unnerving the experience of Longlegs will be. This is not a beginner's level horror movie. If you like films like Hereditary or The Silence of the Lambs, this is on that level, a level that requires a threshold for shocks built up through years of genre study. 

Longlegs stars Maika Monroe as FBI Agent Lee Harker. Relatively new to the FBI, one of Harker's first field experiences is seeing her partner murdered right in front of her. This came immediately after she had advised her partner that the man they were looking for, a dangerous serial murderer, was in a house she'd seemingly identified at random. Is she psychic? Is this a premonition? How did she manage to pick the one house out of a cookie cutter neighborhood, as the one where the killer was staying? 

Harker's premonition and her subsequent capture of the killer, brings Harker to the attention of FBI Boss, Carter, played by Blair Underwood. Carter is after an even more dangerous and unpredictable killer who has claimed the name Longlegs in his seemingly nonsensical letters to law enforcement. Longlegs has been tormenting the FBI since the late 1960's, annihilating entire families without even stepping foot inside the family home. 

Carter hopes that whatever gift Harker has, even if she isn't psychic, that she might be able to bring something fresh to this stalled investigation. And she immediately pays off by solving Longlegs' cypher that has been part of all of the murders to this point. Somehow, Longlegs immediately knows that Harker is now on his case and, in a scene of stomach-churning suspense, he comes to her home to drop off a birthday card. 

Find my full length review linked here. 

Movie Review Borderlands

Borderlands (2024) 

Directed by Eli Roth 

Written by Eli Roth, Joe Crombie

Starring Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Ariana Greenblatt Jack Black, 

Release Date August 8th, 2024 

Published August 8th, 2024 

Borderlands is a bad movie in the least interesting way. Take, for instance, Trap, M. Night Shyamalan’s most recent film, as of this writing. I’m mildly obsessed with Trap. That is a film that is bad in a very interesting way. Trap is misbegotten. It’s a failure in every possible way but it's ambitious and unique while being objectively bad. Borderlands, on the other hand, is bad in ways that are indistinguishable from other movies. It’s boring, it’s derivative, and, despite an all-star cast and a video game playground, it lacks personality. 

Cate Blanchett stars in Borderlands as Lilith, an intergalactic bounty hunter who plays by her own rules. If I had a nickel for every time a movie had a character like Lilith, I’d have enough to open a savings account at a local bank that comfortably accrues interest over time. Borderlands is boring in the same way that local banking with a small amount of money is boring. Lilith isn’t a character, she’s a collection of traits that look good in a trailer. She’s got an odd haircut, she’s sexy because Cate Blanchett is objectively sexy, and she shoots first and asks questions later just like every other cliche badass sci-fi character. (Yawn). 

Lilith is an anti-hero because she takes money from an evil corporate guy, Edgar Ramirez, making bank on being the most basic-bitch, go-to bad guy in Hollywood, to find his daughter. She’s the key to an ancient blah blah blah on some distant yadda, yadda, yadda. You get the gist. Ariana Greenblatt plays Tina, the daughter in question. Tina has been kidnapped by a mercenary named Roland (Kevin Hart) , former employee of the boring corporate villain, who is perhaps also seeking the magic whatever it is on the wasteland planet something or other. 

Find my full-length review linked here. 

Movie Review The Substance.

The Substance (2024)

Directed by Coralie Fargeat

Written by Coralie Fargeat

Starring Demi Moore, Margaret Qualley, Dennis Quaid

Release Date September 20th, 2024

Published September 19th, 2024

The Substance is one of the best movies that I have ever seen. It's the best movie of 2024, so far. And I do not recommend that you go and see it. I understand that that is a strange series of sentences, a legit dichotomy. How can I say that a movie is among the best that I have ever seen and in the same paragraph not recommend that you go and see it? I will try my best to unpack these seemingly opposing thoughts.

The Substance stars Demi Moore as Elisabeth Sparkles, a fitness guru of many years' experience. Imagine Jane Fonda from the 80s, including her Academy Award winning acting career and you have the basic template for Elisabeth Sparkle. Though she looks incredible for her age, she's being pushed out of her fitness empire by a sleazy male executive, played by Dennis Quaid at his most ingeniously grotesque.

After surviving a horrifying car accident, almost unscathed, Elisabeth is recommended a special treatment called The Substance. Essentially, The Substance will create a youthful doppelganger who will share Elisabeth's life, splitting things 7 days at a time. With The Substance, Elisabeth brings her younger, supposedly better, self to life in the form of Sue, (Margaret Qualley). She's Elisabeth but with the pert, supple, and perfect body of a twenty-something.

For seven days this younger, allegedly better, version of Elisabeth will get to do all of the things that societal expectations, and stereotypical perceptions prevent Elisabeth from doing. This includes taking Elisabeth's former job as a TV fitness guru, sought after as a model and an actress. All the while, the mysterious people behind The Substance offer only dire warnings about consequences if Elisabeth/Sue fail to adhere to the strict rules of The Substance.

Well, of course, they don't follow the rules and, of course, there are consequences. My friend, dear reader, you are not prepared for the consequences of breaking the rules of The Substance. I am a veteran moviegoer. I have been doing this more than 30 years. I have seen some things at the movies. I've not seen anything quite like The Substance. The body horror of The Substance is terrifying, gut-wrenching, and extreme. It's justifiably extreme, but extreme may be an understatement for just how effective the body horror in The Substance truly is.

I've never been physically ill while watching a movie, but The Substance had me on the edge. In the end, I suffered a pretty serious panic attack and, as I write this, I am still recovering from seeing The Substance. Only my therapist will truly be able to help me unpack the feelings inspired by The Substance. This movie ripped into my psyche and found fears and anxieties that I didn't know I had regarding aging and my feelings and fears for the women in my life who have endured the intense, scrutinizing gazes that I've never had to endure.

I am speaking only as myself, other men may feel that they have been scrutinized over their bodies and their attractiveness, that's never been my experience. I can't say I am comfortable with my body, but I have never felt the kind of penetrating gaze that comes with people openly assessing, describing and feeling perfectly justified in sharing their feelings about the way I look. That's a privilege I've had as a pretty average looking duded. Demi Moore, on the other hand, none of us can begin to relate to her experience in the public eye.

Reflexively, many men will accuse Demi Moore of asking for it, asking for the attention and scrutiny of her looks. That's true but only to a point. If you say she was asking for the level of obsession with her looks that came with her remarkable fame in the 80s and 90s, you're out of your mind and merely trying to hand wave away the hard and deeply revealing conversation to be had about the way our culture dissects and inspects women's attractiveness in public spaces.

Casting Demi Moore as Elisabeth Sparkle is a master stroke that takes The Substance from being a great movie to a masterpiece. Not only is Demi Moore an incredible actor, but her lived experience in being one of the most scrutinized human beings in the world brings a disturbing verisimilitude to The Substance. Demi Moore's bold, brave, raw performance is an all timer. If she doesn't win an Academy Award for her work in The Substance it will be a grave injustice.

And I can say the same about her remarkable other half, Margaret Qualley. Qualley, ever an actress who is up for anything after working with the likes of Yorgos Lanthimos, Clair Denis, and Quentin Tarantino, goes even further in her fearless approach to exploring characters in The Substance. Qualley's particular talent in The Substance is laying the groundwork for her co-star's performance. Qualley and Moore don't spend much time in the same scene but in playing the same character in very different context, Qualley is incredible at creating the space that Moore will explore in other scenes. That's an underappreciated talent.

As I said, I believe The Substance is the best movie of 2024 and one of my new favorite movies ever. And I will never be able to sit through it again. This movie was emotionally exhausting. The excruciating details in the production design and the sound design are breathtaking and also way to effective. It's literally too good. I feel like some people won't be able to handle just how effective some of this stuff really is. I don't want to spoil any aspect of this for someone who wants this experience that I had but I want to help those who may not be able to handle this by giving you an example of what you are in for.

There is an early scene in The Substance, before the 'Substance' of the title has actually been fully introduced. It's a scene in a restaurant where Dennis Quaid's slimeball executive is firing Elisabeth without actually saying he's firing her. Throughout the scene, Quaid is eating shrimp, and the camera is in a deep, fish-eye close up of his face and mouth. The sound is getting every noise of chewing, crunching, swallowing and lip-smacking as he licks his fingers and dribbles food back onto his plate, his messy fingers throwing little bits of shrimp and sauce as he gestures. For me, this is a horror greater than any Saw movie has demonstrated.

And that's an early scene in The Substance. There is still plenty of extreme body horror to come after that that I won't go into. I could write a lengthy essay on just the food horror of The Substance as director Coralie Fargeat uses food so effectively that more than 12 hours after seeing the movie, my appetite has not returned. Elisabeth is gifted a French Cookbook in the movie and where many other movies have turned such food into works of art, The Substance turns food into horror that could put David Cronenberg off his dinner.

Writer-Director Coralie Fargeat is an auteur of the highest order. She's made a movie in The Substance that hit me harder than any movie I've ever seen. I will never forget seeing the movie Midsommar for the first time and feeling like I had seen movies for the first time again. The Substance gave me that same feeling, as if I am seeing movies with new eyes. I feel as if I walked into The Substance as one person and I came out a very different person. This comes not just from the remarkably horrifying visuals but equally from the grotesque sights and the depth of the ideas.

Click here for my full-length review.