Birthday Girl (2002)
Directed by Jez Butterworth
Written by Tom Butterworth
Starring Nicole Kidman, Ben Chaplin, Vincent Cassel, Matthieu Kassovitz
Release Date February 1st, 2002
Published February 2nd, 2002
I just read Roy's column about movies that are guaranteed to suck. In it, Roy asks how some movies get made. I have wondered that myself quite often. Not when it comes to Miramax films though. I know that if Miramax puts out an obvious piece of crap with a star in it, it is because said star probably owed Harvey a favor.
That is the only way to explain Nicole Kidman's starring in the dreadful English thriller Birthday Girl. As a Russian mail order bride named Nadia, Kidman acts as if she has a figurative gun to her head. Her every expression screams "let's get this over with quickly."
Ben Chaplin is John, Nadia's through the mail hubby. John is a shy, loser bank teller in a small English town. He explains in voiceover that because the town is small there are few eligible women. So rather than looking outside his own zip code, John jumps online and orders a mail order bride from Russia. (You know you can get anything on Ebay these days.)
Anyway let's try to forget that the likelihood of John's mail-order bride looking anything like Nicole Kidman; obviously she is more likely to look like someone named Nick than Nicole. Putting that aside, let's talk plot. Nadia speaks no English and she smokes like a chimney, two qualities John explicitly said he didn't want. But wouldn't you know it, he forgot to get a receipt so they won't take her back. (Always, always get a receipt.)
Oh right the plot. After trying to send her back she convinces him to keep her by taking off her clothes. She can't speak English but she is a hell of a negotiator. Soon it's her birthday and out-of-town relatives show up. Nadia's cousins Alexai (Vincent Cassel) and Yuri (Matthieu Kassovitz. He made this before Amelie so we forgive him.)
Well it turns out the cousins are actually partners in crime, con men who convince John to rob his bank branch in broad daylight by holding Nadia hostage. Now we must understand that John doesn't know Nadia is working with the con men. Still, in the robbery scene, his opportunities to put an end to the whole thing are numerous. One word to a coworker or any of a number of cops, or during the get away (or not ordering a Russian mail-order bride in the first place) would have enabled him to escape.
Birthday Girl is yet another film where one intelligent decision by either lead character would end the film in the first 30 minutes.
Would someone please wake Ben Chaplin before filming him please? Honestly, every film he has been in I've wanted to check his pulse, maybe hold a mirror under his nose to see if he's breathing. This guy makes Al Gore look like Carrot Top. What a surprise that Birthday Girl has been gathering dust since it's completion in mid 2000. It might have stayed on the shelf had Kidman not had the best year of her career in 2001 with two hit films and a best actress Oscar (which she won a mere five days before Birthday Girl opened.) One of those quirks in timing I'm sure.
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