Movie Review: Catwoman

Catwoman (2004) 

Directed by Pitof 

Written by John Brancato, Roger Ferris, John Rogers 

Starring Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Frances Conroy, Benjamin Bratt 

Release Date July 23rd, 2004 

Published July 23rd, 2004 

I don’t know what your opinion is, but for my money Michele Pfeiffer’s Catwoman in Batman Returns rocked. She was sexy, she was funny, and she and Michael Keaton’s Batman had a fiery chemistry. If ever there was a chance for Catwoman to be made into a stand-alone film character, it was with Pfeiffer and director Tim Burton about 12 years ago.

Of course, timing and good buzz do not mean much to dunderheaded studio execs whose arrogance tells them they can sell anything at any time. That arrogance is what gives us this new Catwoman movie without Pfeiffer and Burton and without any connection to Batman. Halle Berry and someone called Pitof are behind this Catwoman and while Berry fits the costume that is about all that fits in this lame repackaged comic book misfire.

Patience Phillips (Berry) is a mousy wannabe artist who works in advertising because she’s too scared to be a real artist. While working on a big project for a new cosmetics line, Patience comes across a chilling secret; the company’s newest product is an addictive face-destroying disaster. Before she can do anything about it she is found by the evil cosmetic company henchman and killed.

Yes indeed, Patience died, but is reborn when a gaggle of Cat’s discovers her body and one special cat delivers some kitty CPR. The strange cat called Midnight is owned by an even stranger woman, a crazy cat lady played by Six Feet Under star Frances Conroy. The crazy cat lady explains how Patience was brought back to life as a Catwoman and that she will now have all sorts of new powers and odd cravings.

Before Patience became Catwoman she met a guy, a cop named Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt). Tom happens to be the cop on the case when Catwoman is accused of robbing a jewelry store and eventually multiple homicides. The idea that Tom doesn’t recognize Patience is Catwoman is suspension of disbelief stretched to its breaking point. Catwoman must prove her innocence and stop the evil cosmetics company led by Laurel Hedare (Sharon Stone). If your thinking catfight, well duh.

Here is the amazing thing. Most, if not all of this mindblowingly-ridiculous plot is played straight. Anyone with half a brain could sense the camp potential of this material. Anyone that is, except for director Pitof who thinks he’s making a straight action movie. Pitof also convinced his star Halle Berry to play this material with a straight face which sinks any chance she had of succeeding in this role.

Halle’s Patience is a female Steve Urkel who, when she becomes Catwoman, is never believable. Delivering awful cat puns and mimicking cat behaviors, Berry comes off as something akin to a furry, minus the proper furry costume. She's got the cat cosplay down but any trace of anti-hero turned superhero is distinctly lacking. Part of the joy of Catwoman is her villainous side that softens ever so slightly via the tempting attraction to Batman. Since there is no Batman in this universe, Catwoman is forced to rely entirely on a badly contrived plot and the aforementioned and awful cat puns. 

There is the romance aspect, yeesh! Halle Berry and Benjamin Bratt spark the chemistry of two good friends or perhaps cousins who are a bit too close for comfort. But they never connect as potential bedmates. Benjamin Bratt has never been this bland on screen even on TV's Law & Order which didn't require much personality to begin with. Bratt is almost catatonic in Catwoman, his expressions rarely change. It doesn’t help that he’s saddled with a detective character more clueless than Clouseau.

The only member of the cast with any awareness of the camp material they’ve been given is Frances Conroy who tosses her dignity to the wind as the crazy cat lady. Conroy has to deliver the films most laughable dialogue as she explains what a Catwoman is and how it came to be. She deserves some kind of award for delivering her monologue with a straight face, though it likely took a few takes.

Pitof a former visual effects supervisor on films like Alien Resurrection and Luc Besson’s Joan Of Arc flick Messenger, he learned a little on those films as he does show some visual flare. However as a novice director he also has an unhealthy obsession with closeups and flashy unnecessary camera movement. The guy has some talent and with time he could round into a pretty good director but he is very raw and much too raw for such a high-profile project.

Though his background is reportedly in special effects, director Pitof comes off like an amateur when it comes to CGI. The Computer Generated Images in Catwoman are absolutely abysmal. Part of the problem could be that many of us have recently seen great CGI work in Spider-Man 2 and or I, Robot, two tremendously accomplished special effects spectaculars. But, the real problem is the seeming lack of care and ability behind the CGI in Catwoman. Just look at the way Halle Berry's Catwoman glistens when she becomes a special effect. She becomes shiny and rubbery and obviously not a person. She could be a character in a Pixar movie, that's how damningly obvious the special effects of Catwoman are, it's as if a Toy Story character emerged in real life but remained animated. 

The problem with Catwoman is the fact that it was made at all. There was a clamor for a female Superhero franchise but not this one. Wonder Woman has been gestating for awhile with a number of actresses and directors attached and unattached at various times. Catwoman had its moment in time back in the nineties on the heels of the success of Batman but that time has passed,

This Catwoman was doomed from the moment it was greenlighted. Doomed by executive overkill, businessmen whose only concern is printing money off of well-known properties. They put this film on the fast track, rushed the production, went cheap on a young, inexperienced director and maybe thought casting one of Hollywood’s hottest actresses would guarantee box office even if the quality film wasn’t there.

They were wrong. Very, Very Wrong!